True Jackson, VP (2008) s01e12 Episode Script

"true jackson vp" Was filmed in front Of a live studio audience.
ryan, what are you doing? what's it look like? Just chilling in the most Awesome hammock ever! that happens to be rare Indonesian silk.
yeah, well, keep it down Because I'm about to take A rare indonesian nap.
come in.
ohh! let's go, rookie.
It's the monthly Executives' lunch.
just a sec.
Let me just Get this out of my butt.
not you! I'm talking to the one That actually works here.
okay.
Let me just Get my purse.
oh, is that what this is? come along, true.
We're going to finique.
oh, but why? the monthly Executives' lunch.
You're an executive And it's lunch.
right.
oscar! Hold my calls.
I'll be at the department lunch, Unless it's someone From my department, In which cas I'm in a meeting.
oscar, isn't finique Really expensive? are you kidding? It's cheaper to actually Eat money.
actually, amanda, I'm really not that hungry.
well, you will be, Once you see the steak-stuffed Lobster on a bed of quail.
Ohh! It's to die for.
hold the elevator.
okay.
amanda, you're pushing The close button.
oh, am I? ah, thank you.
you're welcome.
you're welcome.
oh, did you hear? Max is getting New office furniture.
well, it's about time.
I've seen nicer chairs On a subway.
Ha ha ha! Ah, I'm just kidding.
I've never been on a subway.
so what kind of furniture Is he replacing it with? all animal prints.
Fake zebra, fake bobcat, Hedgehog.
no fake hedgehog? no.
He hates hedgehogs.
ooh! first time in finique? how'd you guess? I call that The finique flinch.
Look.
ooh! yeah, I'll give you a moment.
what are you doing? this is sort of expensive.
well, I would imagine so.
Kopelman here had three orders Of spaghetti.
hmm.
I'm glad It's not my turn to pay.
well, whose turn is it? yours.
you said what now? hibbert paid last month, I paid the month before.
It's your turn.
but I only had the bread.
And I didn't even Put butter on it.
oh, calm down And put it on your card.
what? The only card I have Is my library card And I can't even use it Because I still haven't returned "everybody poops.
" What? I've had it A really long time.
I'm talking about Your company credit card.
It's in your desk.
really? I never noticed it.
well, how have you been Paying for your expenses? what expenses? I come to work.
I bring my lunch.
I tell ryan to stop playing With the fire extinguishers.
Then I go home.
true, dear, one of the perks Of being an executive Is having your expenses Paid for by the company.
wow! Any chance we could Put this one on your card? I'll take care of the next one.
sure.
you know what, amanda? I think I'm going to like Being an executive.
is that ready for me? you know what? Can I have what he had? of course.
And do you mean him? Or him? surprise me.
Plus some cake And a side of carrots.
You don't sell t-shirts, do you? from my head to my toes it's all real and you know fresh and cool it's just what I do t-r-u-e j-a-c-k-s-o-n v-p working at a grownup job I never really knew I could work this hard used to sit at home and watch tv now I'm in an office as a new v.
P.
I'm always setting trends with my two best friends when things get out of hand we have a plan we're just messin' around and we're making new grounds for the whole wide world to see if you see us in town you know it's goin' down cause I'm the new v.
P.
one, two, three, four, I declare a thumb-- I win.
oww! I wasn't even done declaring.
that's called A preemptive strike.
I learned about it On the war channel.
Also did you know there aren't Real infants in the infantry? aw, come on, Next you're gonna tell me The navy seals Aren't really seals.
gee, fellas! I just went to the most Expensive lunch ever! Even though all I ate Was about five pounds of bread And a bite of this.
you ate a swan! it's not a swan.
It's cake.
swan cake.
Oh, that's so sad.
no, it's not.
It's about time somebody Showed swans who's boss.
what do you have Against swans? uh, hello! Field trip two years ago, Swan nipped my you-know-what.
oh, backpack? yeah, I just forgot the word For a second.
jackpot! It's a credit card And guess whose name's on it? Mine! True jackson, hey! hey! Why do you get a card? all the executives do.
Apparently you get to buy Whatever you want And the company pays for it.
I'm gonna have to Sit down for this.
Anything? I think so.
A bunch of us just spent like A zillion dollars at finique, And when the bill came, No one even looked at it.
If a waiter gave my dad That bill, he would've chased Him around the restaurant.
wow! If I could buy Anything in the world, I'd buy a talking pony.
It'd be so awesome, You'd never be bored.
what are you doing? I told you I'm doing my homework.
yeah, what's Your favorite song? You like pancakes? Thanks again for that salad.
could you give me, like, Two minutes? yeah, why? What're you doing? my homework.
who sings that song about The guy who likes the girl? beyonce.
no, the other one.
listen, I really have To do my homework.
you know what would be So good right now? Pancakes! Oh, man, I love pancakes.
pancakes, pancakes sure do love them pancakes now that I think about it, Maybe it's not such a good idea.
Hey! That pancake song Made me hungry.
Can you take us to finique? sure.
You want to come, ryan? oh, you knows it.
I'm gonna have a belly full Of swan cake.
And some justice.
that meal was awesome.
I've never had bow-tie pasta The size of actual bow-ties Before.
yeah, this joint is almost As nice as my favorite Restaurant.
snackleberry junction? ryan, the place has a guy Dressed up like a giant, Stinky hobo.
that's boxcar bob, The burger bum.
He's the reason you go To snackleberry j's.
will there be anything else? just a startled expression From my friends.
one finique flinch coming up.
that's not a real number! we could have put our lunch Through college for that And gotten a nice apartment Off-campus for my carrots.
watch this.
Put it on my card, todd.
And give yourself a nice tip While you're at it.
thanks, trug.
wait, wait, wait! Send the biggest steak You've got over to that dude.
On us.
will do.
why? my granddad always said If you see a guy In a big yellow hat, Send him a steak.
that's pretty specific.
yeah, old granddad had A lot of sayings like that.
Like if you see a nurse In a wedding dress, Buy her a taco, And then right as she's About to eat it, Knock it out of her hands.
by any chance, Was your granddad crazy? well, I for one don't mind.
I've always believed in karma.
Do something nice to someone And later someone will do Something nice for you.
much obliged.
ohh, yes! Oh, that's the real deal.
None of that itchy Indonesian crud.
where did this come from? I ordered it While we were at the lunch.
I put it on your card.
That's cool, right? I guess so.
Amanda did say we could order Things for the office.
I also ordered A foosball table And some sweatshirts.
For the office.
and a cell phone.
and another cell phone.
and one for you.
is this my phone? oh, I don't think Jumbo's gonna fit in here.
I'll go put it In the break room fridge.
oh, true, I was just going to buzz you.
You are about To get pinchbindered.
is that some sort Of weird initiation ceremony? Because I will tell you Right now, My underwear does not pull over The back of my head.
no, no.
Rose pinchbinder Wants to see you.
who's rose pinchbinder? she's mad style's accountant, And she is the meanest, Most frightening person here.
I thought that was amanda.
not even close.
Pinchbinder is the face Amanda sees in her nightmares.
did somebody call me? no, we just used your name In a sentence.
well, don't let it Happen again.
what does pinchbinder Want with me? oh, something about Abnormal activity On your company credit card.
define abnormal.
out of the ordinary.
country of origin? true, you know you're not Supposed to use that For anything other than Business expenses, right? of course.
But out of curiosity, What would happen if I spent A ton of money on lunch and junk For my friends? well, the last person who got Caught doing that lost his job.
ohh! and went to prison.
aah! My sweet sixteen Is next year.
I can't spend it In the slammer.
Don't just lay there.
Do something! aah! Uff! I'm sensing a tiny bit Of sheer terror.
I'm about to get Pinchbindered! yikes! I hope you wore Loose undies today.
no, it's the company Accountant.
She's looking for me.
I guess I'm not supposed To use the credit card For personal stuff.
well, are you or aren't you? Why can't they just Make up their minds? they did make up their minds.
And I'm gonna be in big trouble If we don't return Everything we bought.
not mr.
Beepy boop.
give me that.
Let's go.
oscar! yes, ms.
Pinchbinder.
pinchbinder? did you tell true jackson I was looking for her? I believe so.
while I'm here, We're gonna have to talk About your spending, oscar.
It's out of control.
my spending? that is a new headset, Isn't it? well, the old one-- return it.
The old one was perfectly fine.
see, that's not so bad, Is it? I'm sorry? true jackson! hey, a quarter.
ryan! oh, no, it's just A shiny button.
how are we gonna Get out of here? I have an idea.
true jackson? okay, we returned Everything we bought.
I'll never forget Mr.
Beepy boop.
There's an emptiness inside That can only be filled By $27 crab cakes, So let's eat.
oh, no.
The restaurant.
We spent a bunch of money there.
so? so it's gonna show up On the credit card bill.
We can't return food We've already eaten.
yeah, we can.
Dare me? we have to make That money back, Or I'm in serious trouble.
I've got an idea.
You know all those models That come through here? Let's pick the three prettiest And charge them 100 bucks each To hug me.
Hear me out.
Hear me out.
I know.
We can have An office garage sale.
lulu, we're not gonna-- Wait a minute, that's not A completely terrible idea.
that's what I'm here for.
at my first lunch, Hibbert said something About mr.
Madigan Throwing out his old furniture.
and before he does, We look under his couch cushion For old $1,000 bills? no.
no.
we sell the furniture To pay for our lunch.
I mean, he's just Throwing it out.
And that stuff is pretty nice.
totally nice.
Sitting on those Big brown chairs feels exactly Like getting a hug From a friendly bear.
how do you know What it feels like To be hugged by a bear? remember the field trip To the zoo? where you tried To kiss the kangaroo? no, the one before that.
oh, when you put the turtle On your head? guys.
sorry.
we need to find somebody To buy that furniture right away And before that accountant Hunts me down, stabs me, And puts me on her wall.
my uncle knows a guy Who's always buying junk.
I bet he'll take it Off our hands.
I don't know, That sounds kind of shifty.
yeah, that's his name.
What, you know him? thanks, shifty.
Say hi to uncle sketch If you see him.
true, there you are.
Rose pinchbinder is still On your trail.
I can't hold her off Much longer.
Shtold me that she could Smell lies and then she started Sniffing my head.
thanks, oscar, but hopefully That won't be a problem.
where's mr.
Madigan's Furniture? I sold it to pay off The company credit card.
Pretty smart, huh? that furniture was rented.
it was rented? mr.
Madigan exchanges it Every year for a new set.
this would be a good time For one of your Not terrible ideas.
we could run And never look back.
all right, that's good, That's good.
true jackson! Where is true jackson? hide me? Ow.
what's going on here? Where's mr.
Madigan's Furniture? it's in storage.
I'm having the floors cleaned Before the new stuff comes in.
oh, are you? Liar! What are you two doing? we're just reading.
we like to read.
That's why we're standing Next to this lamp.
that lamp isn't even on.
click.
ah! That's better.
where's kopelman going With those office supplies? what? run, kopelman.
kopelman! this is terrible.
I mean, I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand And it's pulling me in.
don't worry, true.
It's all going to be okay.
really? really.
that's great.
Thanks.
Shifty's bringing The furniture back.
oh, finally, some good news.
all we have to do is Pay his guys for their time.
Plus an 80% annoyance fee, But that's standard.
this is the worst day ever.
Even worse than the time amanda Replaced all my sour candy With marbles.
why didn't you say anything? I've been sucking on that marble For two days, waiting For the flavor to kick in.
don't blame me.
Blame amanda.
did somebody call me? no, we just used your name In a sentence.
I thought We talked about this.
Ohh! Why so glum, children? rose in accounting Is going to kill true For spending a ton of money.
you should have told me I'm only supposed To use my credit card For company purposes.
I thought it was obvious.
How long have you been In this business? three and a half weeks.
Now rose pinchbinder's gonna Fire me.
which wouldn't be bad.
yeah, it would.
oh, no, I meant for me.
I'd really like To turn your office into a gym.
Okay, listen, true.
I'm going to give you A piece of advice Based on many years As a corporate executive.
Lie.
what? instead of admitting Any wrongdoing, Pretend you're outraged At the accusation.
Watch.
oh, hey.
what? you hit me.
are you suggesting That I hit you? well, yeah.
how dare you? Apologize.
for what? apologize.
I'm sorry.
louder.
I'm sorry! see? As soon as pinchbinder Accuses you of overspending, Accuse her of accusing you Of something.
Yeah.
By the time she gets you Out of her office, you'll have A five percent raise.
I appreciate your trying To help, sort of, But I'm not a big fan of lying.
are you a big fan Of having security escort you From the building? Oh, I think I'll put The treadmill by the window.
Yeah.
she's crazy.
She should put the treadmill Against the wall And use the open area For free weights.
um, I'm true jackson.
You wanted to see me.
go.
go like leave? no, go like speak.
Talk.
Explain yourself.
well, there's not much To explain.
There was a credit card In my desk and I used it.
a three-pound steak At finique.
it's not as bad as it sounds.
It was for a guy I never met.
It's worse than it sounds.
ms.
Jackson, we are not In the business Of wasting money.
Would you believe that I have Never even been to finique? want me to take you? If I have to go to jail, Can it be one of the ones Where they wear orange suits, Not stripy ones.
Wide stripes make me look Kinda hippy.
wait a second.
I know you.
I know.
you held the elevator door For me this morning.
really? That was you? I've worked here For 18 years.
No one's ever held The elevator for me.
really? Oh, where I come from, That's just bad manners.
One time this guy Didn't hold the elevator open For my dad.
He ran up 47 flights of stairs Just to make him apologize.
go.
go like talk? no, go like get back to work.
and so I'm not fired And I'm not going to jail? no.
But-- I will be taking a little bit Out of your paycheck every week Until your lunch expenses Are paid off.
and mr.
Madigan's furniture? his what now? maybe I should sit back down.
go.
and if you ever want To go to lunch with me, I know some way cheaper places.
rosie, oscar said You wanted to see me.
cantwell, get in here.
What is this $500 lunch bill That landed on my desk today? how dare you! pancakes, pancakes sure do love them pancakes pancakes, pancakes lulu, what do you Keep singing? oh! Stupid pony.
I can't get that song Out of my head.
Anyway, I'm so glad You didn't get fired.
It would've been such a bummer Working for someone else.
lulu, We're kind of a package deal.
If I go, I'm pretty sure You go too.
you can't fire someone Without just cause.
It's in the company manual.
Unless I mess up somehow, I'm here to stay.
Anyway, I'm glad We're all still here.
may I help you? I'm looking for lulu.
oh, sure.
she's not here right now.
I'll wait.
So how about those mints? You like pancakes? They say it's gonna rain This week.
What's your favorite color? Man, I like that beyonce song.
And pancakes! pancakes, pancakes sure do love them pancakes