Ugly Americans (2010) s01e12 Episode Script

Some people think they know it all.
For this preachy to traverse, answer me this riddle first.
That they have all the answers.
Earth, stone, flame or air.
Which is neither foul nor fair? I don't know.
I don't know.
Then I shall feast upon your bones! Quagle, are you threatening to eat people again? That's your fourth infraction this month.
I'm so sorry, sir.
He's a diversity hire.
That'll be $6.
75.
And zip up your vest.
This is a work environment.
Sorry, mister.
Hmm.
[sighs.]
Hmm.
Splash! What do you think about this one? I think it's mine, and I wish you were wearing pants.
None of your pants fit.
Randall, what's with the grooming? This really conflicts with your casual hobo look.
Can't do cas-hob tonight, dude.
I got into the night terrors' house.
Night terrors.
Wha? Isn't this the reality show where they throw a bunch of horny idiots into a house together just so people can watch them hook up and fight? Vishnu has finally answered my prayers.
How did you get on this show anyway? Audition tape.
I re-edited the video I made for my job interview at the bank.
Randall, they said it was impossible for someone with so much charisma to be an unstoppable man God.
How did you prove them wrong? It's all about my four-part philosophy: Strength fitness, sex power, dance aggression, windsurfing.
Uh? They're very lucky to have you.
Okay, everyone, we have a new member joining us today.
Quagle, would you like to introduce yourself? If you wish to avoid demise, you must conjure my name within three tries.
Oh, great.
He's pulling a rumpelstiltskin.
Your name is quagle.
Mark said it, like, five seconds ago.
You know, you might want to hold back on the riddles, friend.
I got a riddle for you, skim.
Who's got no opposable digits and gets laid every night? This guy.
I have riddle too.
What tastes like terrible food? It's my wife's cooking.
[Laughter.]
It really is not good.
[Laughs.]
It's really terrible.
Okay, why don't you guys take it outside.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Look, there must be something you have in common with everyone.
What do you do for fun? The answer to this riddle posed is how I keep so indisposed.
Is the answer to that riddle, riddles? [Sighs.]
Yeah.
Welcome, cast mates, to the night terrors' house.
And here's your producer, Clark dungaree.
[Australian accent.]
Hey, there, superstars.
Are you ready to get real? Oops.
I'm on fire.
Jose, it happened again.
Thank you! [Applause.]
Take this down.
Idea for show: Pants on fire.
Two kids, one fire extinguisher.
Who will the parents choose? Remind me later.
Yes, it is I, Clark dungaree, producer of night terrors and america's oldest hooker.
We vetted thousands of applications, and you are the six most likely to make fools of yourselves on national television.
Mm-hmm.
Now, good reality tv is about the three "f"s: Fighting, [Bleep.]
Ing, and fight-[Bleep.]
Ing.
So with that in mind, I encourage you to drink up, bitches! All: Oh! Ah! I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Seriously, start drinking.
I guess we shouldn't be surprised he lives under a bridge.
Oh, I hope those aren't human.
Well, I don't understand.
Can't you afford a place with the pay from your job? Wait a minute.
Do you sleep on a pile of uncashed paychecks? Timminy, tomminy, tumminy, turr, what pray tell is a paycheck, sir? Enough with the riddles.
No, mark, I don't think he knows what money is.
Now, frame this shot for maximum bitchiness.
Oh, you smell like an Asian market.
All your toes look like big toes! At least I have toes.
Hmm, galen, I think your pixie dust is giving me a contact high.
Oh, Randall, I love being alone with you.
Good, good, now, remember, you are contractually obligated to get weird.
You think all those paychecks would have gotten him more space.
When the cable guy said he'd be here between 9:00 and 2:00, I took him at his word.
Let's just cut out the middle man.
Bink.
Now you get all the channels for free, and I do mean all the channels.
[Moaning.]
That's right.
Explore your body.
Wait, I don't want to send him the wrong message.
I'm just showing him how the world really works.
Change the channel.
Tonight on night terrors I will stake you, bitch! I totally have a crush on Randall, but my dad would kill me if he found out he's not Jewish.
[Screams.]
[yells.]
Oh, I've never actually seen Randall attack somebody before.
I better look into this.
Fine.
I'll handle rain man over there.
Hey, buddy.
How you feeling? - I've got a kiefer sutherland-grade hangover.
Did you see the show last night? How did it look? How did I look? It looked like you broke through a door to attack someone.
Yeah, they got my sauced up and then locked all the bathrooms.
What was I gonna do? Piss in the closet? I mean, I did do that, but Why is society more obsessed with these heightened, manufactured situations than they are with actual reality? Because real life is stupid.
Why don't you come by the set today, and I'll prove it to you.
I swear on the life of my future children, Ethan and desiree, you will never see me on that set.
I really shouldn't have told you about this.
Night terrors is my favorite series, mark, right behind so you think you can disembowel.
Mark lilly.
Great.
Sign here.
Initial here.
Thumbprint here.
Secondary thumbprint here.
And if I could just Ow! Hey! Very good, sir.
You guys are real, right? Hello.
Wow, this is not as exciting as it is on television.
Camera 12! Camera 27! Bathroom Cam! Ah! Camera 12! Camera 12! Boring! Cue jock jam! All right.
Not sexy enough! Cue sprinklers! Oh, so wet in here.
Too sexy! Cue kitten "b" roll! [Cat meows.]
Too precious.
Cue leatherface! [Screaming.]
Cue status quo! And I was like, "don't talk to me like that.
" Cut.
Rewind that back.
Now zoom in.
Is that Sheila yawning on my set? Bring him to me.
Hey, where's my dramatic sting? Oops, sorry, sir.
[Dramatic beat.]
It's too late.
The moment's passed.
How dare you come onto my set and make a craven display of boredom! I'm sorry.
I'm just here because my girlfriend is a fan.
I've been in this business for 20 years, mark.
If 400 series and 2 tons of weapons-grade cocaine have taught me a anything, it's this: Everyone wants to be on my shows.
Well, not I.
Now, unhand me.
Go if you want.
But know this: You signed away your rights when you came in the building, mate.
I, mark lilly, consent to let Clark dungaree videotape me wherever he wants and to use said footage in perpetuity throughout the universe.
Hey, you took a blood sample? I took a lot more than that, mark.
Mom? What? He's famous.
Quagle, I know the world must seem like a scary place, but by the time I'm through with you, you'll fit right in.
Hey, powers, that horse of yours didn't come through yesterday.
You owe vito 3,000 clams.
Carmine, hey, um I need a few more days.
Can I get an extension? I don't know.
Let's ask your knees.
[Screaming.]
Why? Why? [Siren wailing.]
Whoa, that was close.
They almost touched actual leg.
Real world lesson number one quagle, get yourself a pair of fake knees, and always stretch.
As you get older, it's harder and harder to pin your calves to the back of your thighs.
Are you writing this down? Fake knees.
Yeah.
I hope you took note of my pained screams.
Pure cowardice.
But you have to work up to it if you want believability.
I practice twice a day.
The neighbors hate me.
Now jump! I'm not paying any insurance to these ass[Bleep.]
! Ya! The guy shows classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder.
- Uh-huh.
This whole producing thing is just a way for him to exercise his egomania.
Totally.
Give someone like that millions of dollars and a camera crew? He could actually be a danger to society.
You said it.
[Knocking at door.]
What did I miss? The bean dip refused to set.
Grimes? What are you doing here? We always watch night terrors together, mark.
It's kind of our thing.
Cosmo? - You know it, girlfriend.
- Oh, great.
Tonight on night terrors, she was falling for Randall, but will a handsome stranger become galen's new object of desire? Oh, please don't let that be me.
Hello.
Damn it! Hey! Ow! How dare you flirt with some stranger.
Wait, you know that's not how it opened.
You were there.
Looked real to me.
Okay, evyone, today we're going to talk about privacy.
It is the foundation of a civil society.
Hey, mark lilly! Prepare for an ass kicking you can not prepare for.
Randall, what are you doing? This is where I work.
Just roll with it, dude.
It's gonna be great for ratings.
You stole my girl! The camera loves you.
Why [Dance music.]
What vocation accepted by choice requires aid of neither foot nor voice? I don't know.
What? H[Bleep.]
Job.
He's referring to a h[Bleep.]
Job.
I liked it.
But that brings us to lesson number three.
People are terrible.
Twayne, we really need to beef up security around here.
Or we could keep things exactly the way they are.
Mm.
Fosters.
Now that's Australian for beer.
Hey, wait a minute.
Have you been talking to Indeed he has, mark.
Mr.
bone raper here has given my cameras full access to these premises.
In exchange for a percentage of the product-placement revenue, naturally.
Mm, oh, pizza hut.
You truly are America's favorite pizza.
Will you just leave me alone? You can make this all go away in an instant by just admitting that the reality I create is better than the shabby, real reality you live within.
Okay.
Your reality is better.
No deal! You're not getting out of this that easy! Boom! Hmm, that's new.
[Phone ringing.]
Callie, I'm sorry.
I can't talk right now.
I'm certain my phone has been tapped.
Oh, you are crazy, mark.
It's complicated, okay? They want me to teach you to play by the "rules.
" But there are no rules, man.
There are no rules, only the rule of chaos! Ya! Don't you see, quagle? You can't rise above the cesspool.
You've got to conquer it! And occasionally, you have to run from the po-po.
Hit it.
[Frantic instrumental muc.]
[groans.]
Boom.
What's that? Ha! Yo! This guy's a scumbag over here.
hey, it's almost 10:30.
Quiet down.
The show's gonna start! On tonight's night terrors Well, let's see how they're misrepresenting my life this week.
Mark, when am I going to see you again? I'm sorry.
I can't talk right now.
What's wrong, is there someone else? Look, it's complicated, okay? Shh.
Here comes me.
You stole my girl! We interrupt this dreck to bring you a breaking report.
Huh? Night terrors has been canceled due to ongoing psychotic episodes by Clark dungaree.
If you have information on his whereabouts, please contact the police.
This is not to be confused with the show Clark dungaree's psychotic episodes.
Craaaap.
Well, at least he's out of my life.
[Mumbles.]
Shh.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
Sleep well, sweet prince.
You're going to need all your strength to get through what I have in store.
Wha? What's going on? You have 30 seconds of consciousness, mark.
So listen carefully.
By the time I'm done with you, actual reality will seem so mundane, you won't be able to stomach your real life.
You're you're insane.
You want insane? I once took a crap in a bag and sent it to a network, an actual bag of crap! They booked 24 episodes! You want to blame someone, mark, they created the monster standing in front of you.
I always wondered where bag of crap came From And What have you done to me? Reverse liposuction, mark.
Your personal weight-loss journey will touch the hearts of millions.
Listen, Clark.
Ah! You are clearly haunted by some sort of childhood trauma.
No time for that, mark.
Weigh-in is in 30 minutes.
[Groans.]
Okay, let's get him pumped.
And save the fat.
I have a new idea for a show.
I dare you to eat that.
Were you bullied as a child? Did your father withhold affection? Wrong, and wrong again, mark.
[Sobbing.]
I'm so happy.
[Gunfire.]
Clark, I know you can hear me.
You have to trust me.
I'm a social worker.
This is what I do.
Boom! Maybe you just had a really mundane childhood, and now you feel the need to compensate with all these overproduced scenarios.
My God, mark.
You're right.
You're right about me.
I'm ready to go home now.
So this is where you grew up.
My father owned a paint store called tones.
It only sold shades of beige.
My mother was a paper clip distributor.
Back then, my name was [No accent.]
Stan Grossman.
My reality was boredom, and I hated them for it.
I invented the persona of [Australian accent.]
Clark dungaree, Australian megaproducer [No accent.]
And left my old life behind.
Stanley? Could that be you? He came back.
Stanley's home.
Hello, parents.
It's been too long.
This just in.
Panic on the George Washington bridge as a disgruntled former employee has threatened to blow himself up.
Revenge will be mine! Oh, my God.
I got to do something.
The full resources of [Bleep.]
Factor productions are at your disposal mark, except for the private jet.
That's the set of my newest show, jet brothel.
What the hell happened? You had one job to do.
I don't get it.
I taught him everything I know.
Really, I've got a riddle for you.
What's big, ugly, and about to be a bloodstain on the George Washington bridge? Give me this.
Quagle, it's me, mark lilly.
You don't want to do this.
I hate you! I hate everybody! Lookok, we owe you an apology.
We were trying to help you fit in, but if there's one thing I've learned this week, it's that nothing good comes from trying to change who you are.
If you want to tell riddles and live under a bridge, that's okay.
I lost my job! We'll find something else for you to do.
You can write puzzles on the backs of cereal boxes.
You have plenty to live for.
[Gasps.]
And cut! Huh? Wonderful, just wonderful.
- Did I look good? - Great job, sir.
Thank you, mark.
This is gonna make beautiful television.
Television? Can we try my line again? I really think I can do better.
What about our breakthrough? It was all part of my new tv show, i'm going to [Bleep.]
With you, mark lilly.
It airs this march on spike.
But your parents Character actors, mark.
I made it all up.
So you really are Clark dungaree? Nonsense, I'm the third Clark dungaree.
The real Clark dungaree has been retired for 15 years and living like a king in patagonia.
One day, I too shall retire and pass the persona on to someone new.
Perhaps to you, mark lilly.
Perhaps to you.
Boom! They say that perception is reality.
But when you let entertainers control how you perceive the world, you can end up with a pretty warped view of reality.
[Gunshot.]
All I know is, you shouldn't believe everything you see on television.
There's still one thing I don't get about that whole situation.
How did Clark convince Quagle to participate in that bridge stunt? Quagle didn't care about money.
I don't know.
Everybody wants something.
Yeah, well, I hope he found somewhere he can fit in.
Hi there, and welcome to "Riddle me this", the game show where people solve riddles for cash and prizes.
I'm your host, quagle the troll.
Let's meet our contestants, shall we? Have another.