Ultimate Spider-Man (2011) s01e12 Episode Script

1x12 - Me Time [Spider-Man.]
Yes, it is New York City, [scream.]
and no, tornados don't tear up the avenues here every day.
Or ever.
Luckily New York has me, Spider-Man, and luckily I have my Spidey-Cycle.
I love being me right now! Woo-hoo! Finally! I was startin' to wonder how much damage it took to draw out a hero-shaped punching bag! Hero? That's not a name I get called much.
Now I'm gonna feel bad takin' you down, Whirlwind.
Whirlwind to Octagon.
Bug took the bait.
Whoa! Whoa! [grunting.]
Wh-wh Ow! Come on out, spider! Squashing you will be a breeze.
[grunts.]
What guy has two thumbs and the courage to pull this thing off? This guy! Go, me! Whoa! [retching.]
[Doc Ock.]
Whirlwind? What's happening? Whirlwind! Oh.
Hey, kids.
[retching.]
Stay in school.
[vomiting.]
Textbook take-down of Whirlwind, kid, but I'd stay downwind of my breath, Fury.
But you're still doin' way too much collateral damage.
Damage? What damage? [car alarm.]
[laughs.]
It was like that when I got here? That's not coming out of my allowance, is it? Nothing a couple hours' training back at SHIELD won't fix.
- Let's go.
- Uh, no.
A few hours in "Fury time" means the rest of the weekend in real time.
You said if I pulled this off, I'd get some "me time.
" Call if there's a real emergency.
[whistles.]
- Oh, cool! The Spider-Cycle! - Oh, look at that! You might wanna rinse that out.
Ugh! On my own, and no Nick Fury.
Huh? [Aunt May.]
Peter, got a call from the gals to do something in the great outdoors.
Leftovers in the fridge.
Back Sunday.
Love, Aunt May.
What's she doing this time? Woo-hoo! [laughs.]
Eat my dust! It's high in fiber! Ugh.
Maybe I'd rather not know.
Wait.
I have the whole place to myself? Woo-hoo! Peter Parker's Spidey-pad is open for business! Good night, New York! [video game noises.]
This is the life.
What next? Spaghetti bath? A camera? Who's spying on me? Dr.
Doom? Wizard? Fury? [echoing.]
Fury! I'm Nick Fury, Director of SHIELD, and I can tell you what you had for breakfast this morning.
Blah blah blah! - You think this is funny? - High-larious.
You think this is fair? Go on.
Explain it.
I'm sure you've got some whopper of a reason for spying on me in my own home like I'm a common criminal.
There's a little thing called trust.
Besides, what if Aunt May was, y'know, not decent? [shudder.]
This ain't my first rodeo, kid.
What does that even mean? And why is it your answer for everything? This ain't my first rodeo, kid.
Ugh! Aah! Eww! [gulp.]
This ain't my first rodeo, kids.
[moos.]
- This ain't - Your first rodeo.
We know.
You're spying on me? - Basic security protocols.
- Like I'm some rookie who hasn't earned your trust a gajillion times already? You signed off on this when you signed up for SHIELD.
No way I did! Did I? This authorizes us to place security cameras at your home for Ooh! When do I get my jet-pack? Look, Parker, you're not some special case.
Every one of you SHIELD kids signed off on this.
I'd like to see you prove that.
Yeah, I signed it.
Who wouldn't sign it? We had to sign it Yo, if Fury says you signed it, you signed it.
Man up.
Sometimes the act of watching is not the same as the act of seeing.
Of course I signed it.
Loving my jet-pack, by the way.
I hate how thorough you are.
And why give a jet-pack to a guy who can already fly? It's not to spy on you.
It's to look out for your aunt when you're not home.
La la la la! Not listening, Fury! You lost me at "hello.
" I didn't sign on so you could monitor my life.
And as of now, you don't.
I'm off for the weekend.
Think about what you're doin'.
What I'm doing is having fun for once.
And what I'm thinking about is all that stuff had better be out of my house when I get back.
And and where exactly is my jet-pack? Until you can answer that one, I'm off the clock.
Spider-Man, to find out your every secret, I must capture you.
Susceptibility to Vertigo.
Noted.
More observing, Octavius? You waste my time, you squander my money, you try my patience I think it's time I pulled the plug on this little science project of yours.
You know I have the means.
What do you think? More patience? Or a simple ka-boom? Do not treat me like a child, Osborn! I'm almost there.
Trust me, what I learned from Whirlwind this morning I did trust you.
Gave you all the time in the world and one simple task: Learn the secrets of Spider-Man's powers so I could exploit them as a weapon.
Do I have those secrets? No.
Do I have an army of Spider-Men to sell? I do not.
Why shouldn't I blow your lab to kingdom come right now? Because I I have a fail-safe contingency.
I will bring him in myself.
[laugh.]
What's so funny? A shut-in scientist who can't even wipe his own mouth well, without those tentacles, at least.
By the way, you're welcome for those again.
Sundown, Octavius.
No results? You're off the payroll permanently.
[yells.]
Results? Oh, just wait, Norman.
Just you wait till I get my new hands on him.
[screaming.]
- Are you scared? - Oh, yeah! My Spidey-Sense is tingling, and I like it! Feels like you could fall out at any minute, right? - Aah! - Spider-guy? - Aah! - Whoa! Spider-Man allow me to introduce myself! [struggle.]
Worst "me day" ever.
[struggling.]
He called me a shut-in.
Prattled on about my uselessness.
I hope he can see me now that I have you.
First of all, who is he? You should reference all your pronouns.
And second of all, you don't have me! Hey, day off! And who are you supposed to be anyway? Captain Cockroach? The Enemy Anemone? - Crab Claw Clem? - I am a Doctor! You need a doctor! And a very elaborate straitjacket! I am not insane.
I am the twilight of your creeping existence.
Nope.
Nothing insane about that statement, mister.
Doctor! Doctor? What, do you have a PhD in squid arms? Hey! That's a good handle for you [Spider-Man.]
Doctor Octopus.
Catchy, huh? [grunt.]
Do not mock me! [yelling.]
Fun fact: Octopi can't fly! So, happy landings.
Yikes! He should have trusted me to capture you.
I should have trusted myself! Oh, this is magnificent.
Again with the he? Who he? I'll worry about him.
You worry about me! Ok, he's actually starting to scare me.
You're so much more impressive in person.
I can't wait to dissect you.
Dissect? You? I file villains like you before home room.
You're outta your league, Doc Ock! And what's yours, spider? Little League? Ohh.
[whistle blows.]
Comedy violation! Flag on the joke! First down, Spider-Man! Resume play! Aah! I know far more about you than you realize.
[all screaming.]
This morning I was on the verge of losing everything.
Now, I'm this close to proving my worth by the might of my own hand! Yeah, I wouldn't exactly call that a hand.
[yelling.]
Wait! Wait! Before I go, I need to point out one thing.
A final request? You do know an octopus has eight limbs, hence the word "octo," right? Things to think about.
[growls.]
I know you, Spider-Man.
You care deeply for others.
Don't you? - Put him down! - Make me.
I think I had this same conversation in the second grade.
- Get off! - Make me! Jungle gym! Let go of my arm! [screams.]
I never understood the joy of hunting down another living creature.
- But you have taught me.
- I suggest a new barber.
Or just give me a bowl and some cliers and I can hook you right up.
Witty until the end.
- Commendable, but pointless.
- You know what's shocking? Yah! [yelling.]
[whistle blows.]
Comedy violation! Flag on the joke! First down, Doc Ock! Resume play! Yeah, I know, I know.
That "shocking" line wasn't exactly classic, but whoa! Eww.
I look as wavy and saggy as Doctor Wavy and Saggy out there.
Uh-oh.
I was handsome once.
This can be yours, for three easy payments of go home forever and never come outside again.
[screams.]
Do you have any idea how many years of bad luck you just bought? - You're trying my temper.
- And I don't like it! [whistle blows.]
Comedy violation! Flag on the jo Oh, come on, that was a good one.
See, he said "Trying my temper," and acted like I tried it and didn't like Never mind.
Told you not to go it alone.
This is the Hall of Mirrors, not the Hall of Life Lessons.
Whoa! Aah! You're coming with me.
[struggling.]
Over my dead body! If you insist.
They call this a fun house? And what excuse will you bore me with today before I cut your purse strings and cast you off forever, Octavius? - I believe you owe me an apology.
- Is he Just asleep, for now.
So, I just wanted to, y'know, admit that I may have been a tad hasty in giving you back my communicator.
Now you see where our intrusiveness comes in handy sometimes? Absolutely.
We're not really having this conversation, are we? Nope.
[groans.]
He's stirring.
You need to find out what gives him his powers and I'll find out what I choose to and let you know when and if I feel like it! Don't you dare talk to me like that.
Octavius out.
This won't hurt for long.
You might want to wake up now.
[screams.]
Huh? Such a clever bug.
It's arachnid! And you call yourself a doctor? Stay still! Call me crazy, but I'm not into the whole neck buzzsaw thing! [Norman Osborn.]
What are you doing? Complete my mission, or I will destroy you, you incompetent fool! Here's some news for you! I have a mission of my own! Get out of my head! Stop tormenting me! Hey! Are you talking to "him" again? Tell him to show himself so I can web-slap both of you.
Aah! Can I borrow a phone? I want to see if my buddy Nick Fury can hop on over and pop you one! Doesn't anyone have a land-line anymore? Nice aquarium.
We're underwater? Great.
What to get for the SHIELD Director who has everything? An aquatically themed lunatic with a doctorate! Who apparently doesn't own a cell phone, either! Uh-oh.
Stalker.
Wow.
Spied on twice in one day.
Let me guess.
You're just looking out for my best interests, too? [grunts.]
My only interest is my own.
Everything I am everything I've become requires that you be put down like a sick pet.
Yeah.
Thought so.
But bonus points for calling me pet.
Seriously, though, what's up, Doc? I want to know what makes you tick, and that requires that you perish! Crazy stalker says what? - What? - Too easy.
These look important! [gasping.]
What a sticky situation.
Boom! Quip of the day! You've blown it, Octavius.
And while I will regret losing the spider, I can't have him tracing you back to me.
You're fired.
Oh.
It's you.
Save the sugar! I'm flooding here! What's your location? I don't know! Doctor Octopus' lab! Doctor what? Look, I need help underwater! Quick! Lock onto the signal, fast! I'm too pretty to drown! [gasping.]
Got it! You're a hundred feet under the east river! - How did ? - Look, I'm sorry! Ok? Is that what you wanna hear first? I was wrong to take my "me time.
" Now trace this link because my Spidey-sense is going crazy! - Duck! - Duck? No, fish mostly.
Oh! Fury! Get here! Dude, does "imminent danger" mean nothing to you? [grunts.]
Get off! [groaning.]
This is gonna be bad, isn't [bubbled speech.]
Translation: I'm saving your life because it's the right thing to do, even on my day off! Real translation: I'm only saving you so I can come make fun of your name while you're in prison! [gurgling.]
- Wake up again? - That would help, sure.
Uh, how long was I asleep? Try unconscious.
And lucky to be alive.
Ugh.
Feel like I've had the Hulk dropped on me.
[sniff.]
Oh.
Smells like it, too! We got your signal, but by the time SHIELD arrived, there was nothing salvageable left.
- Doc Ock? - No trace.
Whoever was behind the lab explosion did not want anything to be found.
And there was some pretty advanced tech wreckage, too.
I really screwed this one up, huh? Some of us have to learn the hard way, but believe it or not, you did good work today.
Doc Connors is very pleased.
[Connors.]
This is incredible.
You came back with a very unique cybernetic device.
You were clutching onto it like your life depended on it.
Hey, Nick? I can call you Nick, right? [crickets chirping.]
Director Fury, I just want to say I appreciate what you and SHIELD have done for me.
Honestly, I'm a better hero for it.
And I do want to keep Aunt May safe from nut jobs like octopus so Compromise? One camera outside, and you destroy all the existing footage? And you can consider me back on the clock.
Parker, for a snot-nosed kid, that's a pretty adult thing to say.
Hey, this ain't my first rodeo.
That's a joke.
[laughs.]
Seriously, though, you're gonna destroy those tapes, right? Erased.
Within 24 hours.
[Computer.]
23 hours, "And then, the second little pig said" [rocket ship sounds.]
I'm Nova.
I have a jet-pack, and I don't even need it.
[laughing.]
Best security tape ever! [all laughing.]
[jet sounds.]
[beep.]