Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e12 Episode Script
Kimmy Goes to Court!
1 We're almost there.
We just passed the water park on the outskirts of town.
Two more water parks, and we're in Durnsville.
Thanks for coming with me, Titus.
I owe you one.
Look, I know you don't want to be here, but you're the only one who can stop the Reverend.
That man could sell snow to an Eskimo, or a Pontiac Aztec to someone.
I'm gonna make waffles out of him.
That's a thing people say in Durnsville.
Well, West Durnsville.
It's really bad.
You folks having a smooth ride back here? Aren't you the bus driver? You can't be back here.
We're on a highway! You wouldn't be saying that if I was an airplane pilot, like my brother Allen.
[horns honking.]
He's so great 'cause he went to high school and only has one DUI.
You have to drive the bus! The Durnsville turn's coming up! [.]
[Bankston.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it [speaking.]
That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[singers.]
Damn it I am so glad you're here, Kimmy.
Me, too.
I can't wait to send the Reverend down the river.
Oh, we paved the river.
You're standing on it.
And I'm sorry you always have to clean up my messes, but it's what you do.
I mean, if you hadn't talked me down from my bunker madness, I'd still think I was Hulk Hogan.
Kimmy, do something.
Hulkster? It's me, "Macho Man" Randy Savage.
Ooh, yeah, brother! I wish we'd all been as strong as you down there.
But that's why we need you this one last time.
Well, as we say in New York, "Look at the marbling on that corned beef!" [laughs lightly.]
Also, I moved my bachelorette party up to tonight 'cause I want you to be there maid of honor.
I'd be maid-of-honored! So, Kimmy want to check out some of the old sights? Take a trip down memory lane? No, Memory Lane is where I got kidnapped.
Oh.
How about the bunker, then? What? Randy, just take us to the courthouse.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, just let me know.
I can let you in, 'cause even though I'm technically "suspended," I've still got my old police key ring.
Doon germit, where in the heck's my keys? Nope.
Ah, must have left them in the car.
Kimmy Schmidt, Carla Tuesday, WDUR.
I think of you as the Paul McCartney of the Mole Women.
- Why is that? - Isn't there a back door? Well, there used to be, but all the prisoners kept escaping through it, so we got rid of it.
But without a door there, they escaped even quicker.
Long story short, we dug a big pit out there.
Follow me.
I'll keep the crowd away like a Greenpeace volunteer.
Do you have a minute to talk about the environment? Do you have a moment to talk about the environment? Infidel! Why are you dressed like that? And who are these women? Did you actually find new people to join the Reverend's church? And this is only the beginning.
I got all these women from just one Lucille Roberts.
This isn't the beginning.
It's the end.
I'm gonna make waffles out of the Reverend.
Wow, I know you think he kidnapped you, or whatever, but that is an ugly thing to say.
Sorry we're late.
We were watching the movie Legal Eagles to prepare for today.
Someone's got a thing for Debra Winger.
More like Debra Schwinger.
So, two showers later, here we are.
Kimmy Schmidt, one more question.
Leave that pale, pale girl alone, Carla Tuesday.
She's been through enough.
And who are you? My name is Titus Andromedon.
I'm just here to support my friend and roommate, Kimmy Schmidt.
Breaking news: I'm here with the roommate of Mole Woman Kimmy Schmidt.
Carla, this isn't about me.
This is about justice.
Kimmy is a private person.
She doesn't want this kind of attention, the cameras in her face, the microphones.
Cameras.
But for her sake, I'll take all the attention, all of it.
Now please rise for the National Anthem.
For the red, white, and blue For the funny things you do America, America This is you Okay, Kimmy, there's no judgment in brainstorming.
So how about a solar-powered ice machine? You know, for picnics.
[Reverend Richard.]
Sister Kimmy.
Not having a vitamin D deficiency certainly suits you.
Hello, Rick.
Better get used to those handcuffs.
What handcuffs? Uh, hold on.
What handcuffs? Dang it.
That video made it look so much easier.
Can you just imagine that these are on you now? - Oh, my God.
- How'd he do that? [people gasp.]
[applause.]
That's what we're up against.
The only thing that matters is that for 15 years that man right there wouldn't let us leave the bunker, and that's the definition of kidnapping.
And of my Verizon contract.
[laughter.]
Objection.
You're paying for the network.
Compare coverage! But even I have to admit that Kimmy here is right.
The definition of kidnapping is to take away and keep a person as a prisoner.
Your honor, I would like to submit this dictionary into evidence as Exhibit A.
Wait, that's your first piece of evidence? And only.
Your honor, the defense rests.
Prosecution.
The prosecution rests.
Your honor, I don't have one question for this witness.
I have many questions.
[all gasp.]
Could you please state your name and residence? Kimmy Schmidt, New York City.
Oh! The Big Apple.
Just like the one Eve gave Adam.
And that's when all of our earthly suffering began.
Mortality, shame in our nakedness, burning your tongue on cocoa, junk mail, Mondays! [jury muttering.]
But that's not why Kimmy Schmidt is on trial.
I'm not Kimmy, tell me, where were you at the beginning of this trial? And why were you so heck-bent on not returning to Durnsville? Bad things happened to me here.
Oh, did you hear that? Kimmy Schmidt thinks that Durnsville is a place where bad things happen.
Well, call me crazy, but unlike Kimmy Schmidt, I happen to love this town.
I mean, I love casting a line out into the parking lot.
I love that it sometimes takes a little longer to get your coffee at Diane's Cafe.
Because of her limp.
[laughter.]
And I love going to a high school football game and cheering on the undefeated Durnsville Terns.
[all chanting.]
Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns! Now, Kimmy, isn't it true that when I saved you you were running away from home, from Durnsville, named after our magnificent founder, Zachary Ville.
I wasn't running from Durnsville.
I had just gotten into a fight with my mom about a super-short mini skirt she wanted to wear to my recital.
I was running away from her.
And there I was, minding my own business, sucking on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez.
Mellencamp! Whoo! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Kimmy Schmidt wasn't just running away from our beloved town.
She was heading east to Ohio.
Ohio's stupid.
Now, I might just be a simple country preacher, but it seems to me that if fewer people "ran away" from Durnsville, maybe Elston Buckner's tractor dealership wouldn't have had to close last year, and maybe the firehouse could have finally gotten a pole so Durnsville's finest wouldn't have to freefall 20 feet onto a concrete floor.
Now, I'm not saying that Kimmy Schmidt is solely responsible for all our town's troubles.
Objection! Overruled! But if she had stayed in Durnsville, like a real American, I know for a fact all of you would be rich right now.
[woman shouts.]
[gavel pounding.]
[crowd muttering.]
[pounding continues.]
Where'd all these potato bugs come from? Let's take a quick recess.
You mess with the big dog and you get the horns.
[whistles.]
Oh, thank you.
[spitting.]
What kind of country-ass sugar water is this? Well, well Word of advice, brother.
Sir, we are cousins at most.
I know this seems great now.
Free birthday-cake-flavored water, everyone paying you attention.
And it lasts forever.
No, sir.
After my viral video, I got a taste of fame.
I got to meet Truckasaurus.
I got to wave the checkered flag at an execution.
But there is a darker side to fame.
I don't think so.
And I've seen the first half of every Behind the Music ever.
I'm just saying, thanks to my "fame," the IRS started calling.
The Navy realized I hadn't been eaten by a whale.
And my dentist tracked me down.
I was way overdue for a cleaning, and those hurt! And they're all, "There's ham in your dry socket, sir.
" Nah, man, they didn't say that.
My point is [singing flatly.]
The other shoe is gonna drop You wait and see Yeah.
It's me.
Yeah, it's me So tell me, Kimmy, if it was so bad in the bunker, why didn't you just leave? As I said before, you never let us.
Oh, really? Because I recall a conversation I had with my client Where was that? Where's he going with this? "IDK.
" What does that mean? Is that a black thing? Yes, here it is.
You just said, under oath, that my client never gave any of you the opportunity to leave the bunker.
Uh, doy! Doy indeed, Ms.
Schmidt.
Your honor, if it pleases the court, I would like everyone to close their eyes and join me in a flashback.
All right.
[sighs.]
Ooh, my goodness.
That's 24 hours on the crank.
That's what she said! That's what he said, because she shouldn't be talking.
Haven't you learned your lesson yet? There's no world out there.
Yes, there is.
That rat I found in the air filter proves it.
That rat was a Devil's trick, just like when the Devil made it sound like I was arguing with a pizza guy about what a half hour means.
You're a liar.
And your pony tail's stupid.
My pony tail is cool.
God said so.
And I'm getting a little sick and tired of you, Kimmy.
I ought to throw you out that door and into that lake of fire, let the Devil and all his Freddys Krueger play baseball with your head.
Fine, do it.
I don't care.
Oh, you don't care? You think you know better than me? Even though God bought me this watch.
So if you're so sure of yourself, I guess you wouldn't object if I sent Sister Cyndee out into the wasteland.
What? Yeah.
We'll send Cyndee out into the apocalypse.
And if you're right, we'll have a big laugh at my expense, and by way of apology I will take you all to the water park of your choice.
But if you're wrong she'll burn up and die.
What's the matter? I thought you had this all figured out.
Sister Cyndee, could you join us in the grand ball tube? [Cyndee.]
Be there in a jiff! She trusts you.
She counts on you to take care of her, especially since you cured her Hulkamania.
So as long as you're absolutely sure What? What? [Cyndee.]
You could have let me go? [raspy.]
Eat your vitamins and say your prayers, Kimmy Schmidt! Dang it, my Hulkamania's back! [raspy.]
And it's a bad one, brotha! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, clearly my client offered to let these women go.
Kimmy Schmidt chose to stay.
Now, if that's kidnapping, lock me up and throw away the key.
Objection! There are no keys at the jail anymore.
It is a card with a chip in it, like at a Hampton Inn.
Remember our trip to Pittsburgh, hon? With the free USA Today? You go straight for the red.
I go right for the purple.
We are a classic USA Today couple.
[laughs.]
[sighs.]
Stop the presses.
My paninis can wait.
I'm talking to Kimmy Schmidt, the shame of Durnsville.
Me? But Ed Hardy was born here.
Kimmy, I did not raise you to embarrass me like that.
You didn't raise me.
That's what I just said.
Golly, Kimmy.
I was really counting on you to help get me back on the force.
"Local cop's hero step-daughter saves the day," that'd get the chief's attention.
Now all I got is, "Suspended cop rescued from bouncy house.
" Nice work, jagweed.
I depended on you.
You were supposed to be the strong one.
I know, and I was so mad at myself.
We could have gotten out of that bunker seven years ago.
I could have gotten to Brandon before he decided to be gay.
You don't decide to be gay.
I know.
You watch Magic Mike during a lightning storm like Brandon did.
Either way, I could have stopped it.
You're not my maid of honor anymore.
I don't know who you are.
[sighs.]
Where were you? I was at the courthouse the whole time.
Good job? Did you go on a radio show while I was testifying? I had to, Kimmy, for you.
Johnny and The Squatch from Z101 wanted to interview you.
I took that bullet, literally.
Why am I holding this trashcan lid? [gunshot zings.]
Why is this real? We on the radio! [The Squatch.]
You got Squatched! I got Squatched for you Squatched! Please, you love the attention.
"I'm your friend, Kimmy Wimmy.
I'm here to support you.
" Hey, how would you like it if I went, "Dar-dar-dar-dar, uh, nar-nar-nar Uh, nar.
" Ugh, forget it, Titus! Do whatever you want.
I'll still be the worst person in Durnsville.
You have not met The Squatch.
I blew it.
Everyone hates me, even Cyndee.
Especially Cyndee! The Reverend's gonna go free.
And your comforter smells terrible.
It's my cologne, Dutch Oven.
But that's not important.
Kimmy, you can't give up.
You are tee-nay-shee-us.
You got those folks in our neighborhood to stop shooting guns at the moon.
Yeah, but this is different.
I can't fix everything here by telling people the moon is Puerto Rican.
Stop it, you are the dictionary definition of "stick-to-it-ivity.
" Aretha! The dictionary! Titus, you're a genius.
So we're staying? I can do that interview for you on WTHR's 11:00 news? That's Indianapolis, Kimmy, the 25th biggest media market in America.
19th if you count deers looking through people's windows.
You go get on TV.
I'm gonna save the day.
And then I'm gonna talk to the front desk about getting a room with a roof.
Yes! I got two! And it went in the other lane, so it counts as double.
Cyndee.
Cyndee Pokorny! What are you doing here, Kimmy? Trying to ruin my bachelorette party like you ruin everything? Look, I know I messed up, and I can't undo what I did.
But we have to make sure the Reverend goes to jail.
And that means we have to get the evidence ourselves.
I have a plan.
Great, go do it.
My friends and I have a penis-shaped ice cream cake to get to.
[gasps.]
Ice cream? Do you know what part of the cow that comes from? Cyndee, I know you thought I was the strong one, but I was only strong when I was with you.
That time the Reverend tricked me, it's because I was alone.
I need your help, 'cause what we have to do right now is gonna be really hard.
What are you talking about? We're going back to the bunker.
Bunker? The bunker? Yay, wonderful.
Kimmy, this is my bachelorette party.
Yeah, and that's why we're going back to the bunker, where it's fun.
Please just trust me this one last time.
Fine.
But I'm bringing my cake with me.
Last one to the bunker is a mother of whores! Randy, I need your help.
Ah, take my wallet! I'll let you do stuff to me! Oh, Kimmy, no way.
You've already got me in enough trouble already.
But if I can bust these guys, they'll have to let me back on the force.
That's where Durnsville's only Italian family lives.
I'm gonna wait for them to do some organized crime, then I'm gonna shoot all of them.
Well, I've got an easier way for you to be a hero.
Good, 'cause as you know, I lost my gun in New York.
This one only shoots gum tape.
[gum gun whirring.]
Okay.
I'll keep a lookout up here.
And you guys make it quick.
I'm already in enough hot water with the mayor after I mistook his wife for a vending machine back when I was doing heroin.
It's here.
It's all still here.
Okay, Kimmy, we're here.
Right.
Gretchen, we're going to the pantry to get some beans for the party.
Garbanzo.
Of course.
It's a party.
So why don't you stay here.
Oh, my goodness, no one's turned the mystery crank in months.
I have to purify myself before I touch it.
Kimmy Kimmy, this isn't the way to the pantry.
This is the way to The Reverend's private tube.
But we aren't allowed in the RPT.
Exactly.
Why was that? What didn't he want us to see? [cat yowls.]
Holy smokes! It's the mayor's cat, Holy Smokes.
He's gonna get ate by a coyote.
I'll be right back, Mole Ladies! [door creaking.]
Okay, Titus, so Carol Doberman will be interviewing you from the studio.
Okay, good evening, Carol.
[laughs.]
Carol! Carol, no! Okay, got it.
Red leather yellow leather red yeller leather-leather Okay.
So we're scheduled to go on in about three minutes, so just sit tight, and I'll count you in when we're ready.
Now, my name will be at the bottom of the screen, right? Right.
Under that, would it be possible to put my phone number and "bald by choice"? [phone buzzing.]
- Sorry.
- Okay, thank you.
Gonna be famous Gonna be on TV Gonna be famous Soaring on the wings of my dreams The Pacers are in overtime, so we're gonna hold off on Mitch Locher over in the WTHR Sports Room and go to our continuing coverage of the Durnsville Mole Women.
I'm joined now by a friend of one of the women, Titus Andromedon.
Mr.
Andromedon, can you hear me? Gonna be rich Gonna buy a real belt And burn off my skin tags We've having a little trouble with the audio.
Gonna be immortal Got a date with eternity Got it.
Once I am famous I'll never be alone I'll have so many friends My answering machine will need a longer tape Moron, you're on the air.
No, no, no, no.
Ah! Oh, Carol! Oh, no.
Why? I want to start over.
I want to be a baby! Can you hear me now, Mr.
Andromedon? Don't say my name! And don't show my face! My pants! [farts.]
[door creaking.]
a [Kimmy.]
Ooh, I think I found the light.
[Cyndee.]
No, don't Oh, dang it, Kimmy! You just pulled out my earring! [Kimmy.]
Oh, sorry.
[Cyndee.]
How are we gonna find anything if we can't turn on the [old-timey music playing.]
How did the lights turn on? My ear is the light switch.
Unbe-fudging-lievable.
It's the Crank you for being a crank Crank you for being a crank That sucks! You jerk! Ah! [shouting in Spanish.]
Ugh! [screaming.]
[Kimmy.]
Guys, calm down.
If we really want to get back at him, we have to find something that will put him in jail for the rest of his life.
But he's gonna live forever! Why are there curtains in here? We're 20 feet underground.
Ay caramba.
We all caramba, Donna Maria.
But how are we gonna open this thing? June 6 [lock clicks.]
[all gasp.]
Gonna be famous Gonna be on TV Gonna be famous Soaring on the wings of my dreams Red leather yellow Don't say my name! And don't show my face! [farts.]
I want to start over.
I'm gonna be rich and burn off my skin tags Carol, why? Got a date with eternity Gonna be famous and burn off my skin tags Don't say my name.
And don't show my face! [farts.]
Good night, everybody!
We just passed the water park on the outskirts of town.
Two more water parks, and we're in Durnsville.
Thanks for coming with me, Titus.
I owe you one.
Look, I know you don't want to be here, but you're the only one who can stop the Reverend.
That man could sell snow to an Eskimo, or a Pontiac Aztec to someone.
I'm gonna make waffles out of him.
That's a thing people say in Durnsville.
Well, West Durnsville.
It's really bad.
You folks having a smooth ride back here? Aren't you the bus driver? You can't be back here.
We're on a highway! You wouldn't be saying that if I was an airplane pilot, like my brother Allen.
[horns honking.]
He's so great 'cause he went to high school and only has one DUI.
You have to drive the bus! The Durnsville turn's coming up! [.]
[Bankston.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it [speaking.]
That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[singers.]
Damn it I am so glad you're here, Kimmy.
Me, too.
I can't wait to send the Reverend down the river.
Oh, we paved the river.
You're standing on it.
And I'm sorry you always have to clean up my messes, but it's what you do.
I mean, if you hadn't talked me down from my bunker madness, I'd still think I was Hulk Hogan.
Kimmy, do something.
Hulkster? It's me, "Macho Man" Randy Savage.
Ooh, yeah, brother! I wish we'd all been as strong as you down there.
But that's why we need you this one last time.
Well, as we say in New York, "Look at the marbling on that corned beef!" [laughs lightly.]
Also, I moved my bachelorette party up to tonight 'cause I want you to be there maid of honor.
I'd be maid-of-honored! So, Kimmy want to check out some of the old sights? Take a trip down memory lane? No, Memory Lane is where I got kidnapped.
Oh.
How about the bunker, then? What? Randy, just take us to the courthouse.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, just let me know.
I can let you in, 'cause even though I'm technically "suspended," I've still got my old police key ring.
Doon germit, where in the heck's my keys? Nope.
Ah, must have left them in the car.
Kimmy Schmidt, Carla Tuesday, WDUR.
I think of you as the Paul McCartney of the Mole Women.
- Why is that? - Isn't there a back door? Well, there used to be, but all the prisoners kept escaping through it, so we got rid of it.
But without a door there, they escaped even quicker.
Long story short, we dug a big pit out there.
Follow me.
I'll keep the crowd away like a Greenpeace volunteer.
Do you have a minute to talk about the environment? Do you have a moment to talk about the environment? Infidel! Why are you dressed like that? And who are these women? Did you actually find new people to join the Reverend's church? And this is only the beginning.
I got all these women from just one Lucille Roberts.
This isn't the beginning.
It's the end.
I'm gonna make waffles out of the Reverend.
Wow, I know you think he kidnapped you, or whatever, but that is an ugly thing to say.
Sorry we're late.
We were watching the movie Legal Eagles to prepare for today.
Someone's got a thing for Debra Winger.
More like Debra Schwinger.
So, two showers later, here we are.
Kimmy Schmidt, one more question.
Leave that pale, pale girl alone, Carla Tuesday.
She's been through enough.
And who are you? My name is Titus Andromedon.
I'm just here to support my friend and roommate, Kimmy Schmidt.
Breaking news: I'm here with the roommate of Mole Woman Kimmy Schmidt.
Carla, this isn't about me.
This is about justice.
Kimmy is a private person.
She doesn't want this kind of attention, the cameras in her face, the microphones.
Cameras.
But for her sake, I'll take all the attention, all of it.
Now please rise for the National Anthem.
For the red, white, and blue For the funny things you do America, America This is you Okay, Kimmy, there's no judgment in brainstorming.
So how about a solar-powered ice machine? You know, for picnics.
[Reverend Richard.]
Sister Kimmy.
Not having a vitamin D deficiency certainly suits you.
Hello, Rick.
Better get used to those handcuffs.
What handcuffs? Uh, hold on.
What handcuffs? Dang it.
That video made it look so much easier.
Can you just imagine that these are on you now? - Oh, my God.
- How'd he do that? [people gasp.]
[applause.]
That's what we're up against.
The only thing that matters is that for 15 years that man right there wouldn't let us leave the bunker, and that's the definition of kidnapping.
And of my Verizon contract.
[laughter.]
Objection.
You're paying for the network.
Compare coverage! But even I have to admit that Kimmy here is right.
The definition of kidnapping is to take away and keep a person as a prisoner.
Your honor, I would like to submit this dictionary into evidence as Exhibit A.
Wait, that's your first piece of evidence? And only.
Your honor, the defense rests.
Prosecution.
The prosecution rests.
Your honor, I don't have one question for this witness.
I have many questions.
[all gasp.]
Could you please state your name and residence? Kimmy Schmidt, New York City.
Oh! The Big Apple.
Just like the one Eve gave Adam.
And that's when all of our earthly suffering began.
Mortality, shame in our nakedness, burning your tongue on cocoa, junk mail, Mondays! [jury muttering.]
But that's not why Kimmy Schmidt is on trial.
I'm not Kimmy, tell me, where were you at the beginning of this trial? And why were you so heck-bent on not returning to Durnsville? Bad things happened to me here.
Oh, did you hear that? Kimmy Schmidt thinks that Durnsville is a place where bad things happen.
Well, call me crazy, but unlike Kimmy Schmidt, I happen to love this town.
I mean, I love casting a line out into the parking lot.
I love that it sometimes takes a little longer to get your coffee at Diane's Cafe.
Because of her limp.
[laughter.]
And I love going to a high school football game and cheering on the undefeated Durnsville Terns.
[all chanting.]
Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns, Terns! Now, Kimmy, isn't it true that when I saved you you were running away from home, from Durnsville, named after our magnificent founder, Zachary Ville.
I wasn't running from Durnsville.
I had just gotten into a fight with my mom about a super-short mini skirt she wanted to wear to my recital.
I was running away from her.
And there I was, minding my own business, sucking on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez.
Mellencamp! Whoo! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Kimmy Schmidt wasn't just running away from our beloved town.
She was heading east to Ohio.
Ohio's stupid.
Now, I might just be a simple country preacher, but it seems to me that if fewer people "ran away" from Durnsville, maybe Elston Buckner's tractor dealership wouldn't have had to close last year, and maybe the firehouse could have finally gotten a pole so Durnsville's finest wouldn't have to freefall 20 feet onto a concrete floor.
Now, I'm not saying that Kimmy Schmidt is solely responsible for all our town's troubles.
Objection! Overruled! But if she had stayed in Durnsville, like a real American, I know for a fact all of you would be rich right now.
[woman shouts.]
[gavel pounding.]
[crowd muttering.]
[pounding continues.]
Where'd all these potato bugs come from? Let's take a quick recess.
You mess with the big dog and you get the horns.
[whistles.]
Oh, thank you.
[spitting.]
What kind of country-ass sugar water is this? Well, well Word of advice, brother.
Sir, we are cousins at most.
I know this seems great now.
Free birthday-cake-flavored water, everyone paying you attention.
And it lasts forever.
No, sir.
After my viral video, I got a taste of fame.
I got to meet Truckasaurus.
I got to wave the checkered flag at an execution.
But there is a darker side to fame.
I don't think so.
And I've seen the first half of every Behind the Music ever.
I'm just saying, thanks to my "fame," the IRS started calling.
The Navy realized I hadn't been eaten by a whale.
And my dentist tracked me down.
I was way overdue for a cleaning, and those hurt! And they're all, "There's ham in your dry socket, sir.
" Nah, man, they didn't say that.
My point is [singing flatly.]
The other shoe is gonna drop You wait and see Yeah.
It's me.
Yeah, it's me So tell me, Kimmy, if it was so bad in the bunker, why didn't you just leave? As I said before, you never let us.
Oh, really? Because I recall a conversation I had with my client Where was that? Where's he going with this? "IDK.
" What does that mean? Is that a black thing? Yes, here it is.
You just said, under oath, that my client never gave any of you the opportunity to leave the bunker.
Uh, doy! Doy indeed, Ms.
Schmidt.
Your honor, if it pleases the court, I would like everyone to close their eyes and join me in a flashback.
All right.
[sighs.]
Ooh, my goodness.
That's 24 hours on the crank.
That's what she said! That's what he said, because she shouldn't be talking.
Haven't you learned your lesson yet? There's no world out there.
Yes, there is.
That rat I found in the air filter proves it.
That rat was a Devil's trick, just like when the Devil made it sound like I was arguing with a pizza guy about what a half hour means.
You're a liar.
And your pony tail's stupid.
My pony tail is cool.
God said so.
And I'm getting a little sick and tired of you, Kimmy.
I ought to throw you out that door and into that lake of fire, let the Devil and all his Freddys Krueger play baseball with your head.
Fine, do it.
I don't care.
Oh, you don't care? You think you know better than me? Even though God bought me this watch.
So if you're so sure of yourself, I guess you wouldn't object if I sent Sister Cyndee out into the wasteland.
What? Yeah.
We'll send Cyndee out into the apocalypse.
And if you're right, we'll have a big laugh at my expense, and by way of apology I will take you all to the water park of your choice.
But if you're wrong she'll burn up and die.
What's the matter? I thought you had this all figured out.
Sister Cyndee, could you join us in the grand ball tube? [Cyndee.]
Be there in a jiff! She trusts you.
She counts on you to take care of her, especially since you cured her Hulkamania.
So as long as you're absolutely sure What? What? [Cyndee.]
You could have let me go? [raspy.]
Eat your vitamins and say your prayers, Kimmy Schmidt! Dang it, my Hulkamania's back! [raspy.]
And it's a bad one, brotha! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, clearly my client offered to let these women go.
Kimmy Schmidt chose to stay.
Now, if that's kidnapping, lock me up and throw away the key.
Objection! There are no keys at the jail anymore.
It is a card with a chip in it, like at a Hampton Inn.
Remember our trip to Pittsburgh, hon? With the free USA Today? You go straight for the red.
I go right for the purple.
We are a classic USA Today couple.
[laughs.]
[sighs.]
Stop the presses.
My paninis can wait.
I'm talking to Kimmy Schmidt, the shame of Durnsville.
Me? But Ed Hardy was born here.
Kimmy, I did not raise you to embarrass me like that.
You didn't raise me.
That's what I just said.
Golly, Kimmy.
I was really counting on you to help get me back on the force.
"Local cop's hero step-daughter saves the day," that'd get the chief's attention.
Now all I got is, "Suspended cop rescued from bouncy house.
" Nice work, jagweed.
I depended on you.
You were supposed to be the strong one.
I know, and I was so mad at myself.
We could have gotten out of that bunker seven years ago.
I could have gotten to Brandon before he decided to be gay.
You don't decide to be gay.
I know.
You watch Magic Mike during a lightning storm like Brandon did.
Either way, I could have stopped it.
You're not my maid of honor anymore.
I don't know who you are.
[sighs.]
Where were you? I was at the courthouse the whole time.
Good job? Did you go on a radio show while I was testifying? I had to, Kimmy, for you.
Johnny and The Squatch from Z101 wanted to interview you.
I took that bullet, literally.
Why am I holding this trashcan lid? [gunshot zings.]
Why is this real? We on the radio! [The Squatch.]
You got Squatched! I got Squatched for you Squatched! Please, you love the attention.
"I'm your friend, Kimmy Wimmy.
I'm here to support you.
" Hey, how would you like it if I went, "Dar-dar-dar-dar, uh, nar-nar-nar Uh, nar.
" Ugh, forget it, Titus! Do whatever you want.
I'll still be the worst person in Durnsville.
You have not met The Squatch.
I blew it.
Everyone hates me, even Cyndee.
Especially Cyndee! The Reverend's gonna go free.
And your comforter smells terrible.
It's my cologne, Dutch Oven.
But that's not important.
Kimmy, you can't give up.
You are tee-nay-shee-us.
You got those folks in our neighborhood to stop shooting guns at the moon.
Yeah, but this is different.
I can't fix everything here by telling people the moon is Puerto Rican.
Stop it, you are the dictionary definition of "stick-to-it-ivity.
" Aretha! The dictionary! Titus, you're a genius.
So we're staying? I can do that interview for you on WTHR's 11:00 news? That's Indianapolis, Kimmy, the 25th biggest media market in America.
19th if you count deers looking through people's windows.
You go get on TV.
I'm gonna save the day.
And then I'm gonna talk to the front desk about getting a room with a roof.
Yes! I got two! And it went in the other lane, so it counts as double.
Cyndee.
Cyndee Pokorny! What are you doing here, Kimmy? Trying to ruin my bachelorette party like you ruin everything? Look, I know I messed up, and I can't undo what I did.
But we have to make sure the Reverend goes to jail.
And that means we have to get the evidence ourselves.
I have a plan.
Great, go do it.
My friends and I have a penis-shaped ice cream cake to get to.
[gasps.]
Ice cream? Do you know what part of the cow that comes from? Cyndee, I know you thought I was the strong one, but I was only strong when I was with you.
That time the Reverend tricked me, it's because I was alone.
I need your help, 'cause what we have to do right now is gonna be really hard.
What are you talking about? We're going back to the bunker.
Bunker? The bunker? Yay, wonderful.
Kimmy, this is my bachelorette party.
Yeah, and that's why we're going back to the bunker, where it's fun.
Please just trust me this one last time.
Fine.
But I'm bringing my cake with me.
Last one to the bunker is a mother of whores! Randy, I need your help.
Ah, take my wallet! I'll let you do stuff to me! Oh, Kimmy, no way.
You've already got me in enough trouble already.
But if I can bust these guys, they'll have to let me back on the force.
That's where Durnsville's only Italian family lives.
I'm gonna wait for them to do some organized crime, then I'm gonna shoot all of them.
Well, I've got an easier way for you to be a hero.
Good, 'cause as you know, I lost my gun in New York.
This one only shoots gum tape.
[gum gun whirring.]
Okay.
I'll keep a lookout up here.
And you guys make it quick.
I'm already in enough hot water with the mayor after I mistook his wife for a vending machine back when I was doing heroin.
It's here.
It's all still here.
Okay, Kimmy, we're here.
Right.
Gretchen, we're going to the pantry to get some beans for the party.
Garbanzo.
Of course.
It's a party.
So why don't you stay here.
Oh, my goodness, no one's turned the mystery crank in months.
I have to purify myself before I touch it.
Kimmy Kimmy, this isn't the way to the pantry.
This is the way to The Reverend's private tube.
But we aren't allowed in the RPT.
Exactly.
Why was that? What didn't he want us to see? [cat yowls.]
Holy smokes! It's the mayor's cat, Holy Smokes.
He's gonna get ate by a coyote.
I'll be right back, Mole Ladies! [door creaking.]
Okay, Titus, so Carol Doberman will be interviewing you from the studio.
Okay, good evening, Carol.
[laughs.]
Carol! Carol, no! Okay, got it.
Red leather yellow leather red yeller leather-leather Okay.
So we're scheduled to go on in about three minutes, so just sit tight, and I'll count you in when we're ready.
Now, my name will be at the bottom of the screen, right? Right.
Under that, would it be possible to put my phone number and "bald by choice"? [phone buzzing.]
- Sorry.
- Okay, thank you.
Gonna be famous Gonna be on TV Gonna be famous Soaring on the wings of my dreams The Pacers are in overtime, so we're gonna hold off on Mitch Locher over in the WTHR Sports Room and go to our continuing coverage of the Durnsville Mole Women.
I'm joined now by a friend of one of the women, Titus Andromedon.
Mr.
Andromedon, can you hear me? Gonna be rich Gonna buy a real belt And burn off my skin tags We've having a little trouble with the audio.
Gonna be immortal Got a date with eternity Got it.
Once I am famous I'll never be alone I'll have so many friends My answering machine will need a longer tape Moron, you're on the air.
No, no, no, no.
Ah! Oh, Carol! Oh, no.
Why? I want to start over.
I want to be a baby! Can you hear me now, Mr.
Andromedon? Don't say my name! And don't show my face! My pants! [farts.]
[door creaking.]
a [Kimmy.]
Ooh, I think I found the light.
[Cyndee.]
No, don't Oh, dang it, Kimmy! You just pulled out my earring! [Kimmy.]
Oh, sorry.
[Cyndee.]
How are we gonna find anything if we can't turn on the [old-timey music playing.]
How did the lights turn on? My ear is the light switch.
Unbe-fudging-lievable.
It's the Crank you for being a crank Crank you for being a crank That sucks! You jerk! Ah! [shouting in Spanish.]
Ugh! [screaming.]
[Kimmy.]
Guys, calm down.
If we really want to get back at him, we have to find something that will put him in jail for the rest of his life.
But he's gonna live forever! Why are there curtains in here? We're 20 feet underground.
Ay caramba.
We all caramba, Donna Maria.
But how are we gonna open this thing? June 6 [lock clicks.]
[all gasp.]
Gonna be famous Gonna be on TV Gonna be famous Soaring on the wings of my dreams Red leather yellow Don't say my name! And don't show my face! [farts.]
I want to start over.
I'm gonna be rich and burn off my skin tags Carol, why? Got a date with eternity Gonna be famous and burn off my skin tags Don't say my name.
And don't show my face! [farts.]
Good night, everybody!