Undateable (2014) s01e12 Episode Script

Hey, everyone, I have good news.
Oh, the guy from One Direction finally wrote you back? Not yet, no.
Hey, is Harry Styles even legal? Yeah, he's 19.
Good, 'cause I would ride that kid like a jet ski.
Come on, what does Harry Styles have that I ain't got? He's, uh, talented, charismatic, and, um, moving into my own personal fantasy land, he is bi-curious for husky guys from his homeland.
Anyway, last night, I was kind of missing Nicki so bad that I called her, and we started talking about how there's no, you know, TV at the bar, but her parents have one in the garage, so the next time I go to visit, I can take it and bring it here.
Very cool, very cool.
Worst phone sex ever.
So, um, listen Why don't you just buy a TV? There's a lot of stuff I'd like to get for this bar, but I'm barely breaking even.
You know what they call that in Detroit? Rich.
Don't tell Justin, but I actually kind of dig One Direction.
I heard you from inside the office.
I'm pumped.
Baby, you light up my world like nobody else the way that you Okay, okay, get to the hair part, get to the hair part.
Do the hair part.
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed oh, oh, oh that's what makes you beautiful Yeah, yeah.
Sing that last part again.
- Do that last part again.
- Oh, oh, oh All right, now.
Here we go.
Come on.
Okay.
We are going.
"Undateable," starring me.
Well, we're both the stars.
Oh, is that is that you in the center with the leather jacket on? Oh, no.
That's me.
Hey, Baby Bird, we got to talk to you.
Um, if you could have one wish in the entire universe, what would it be? And before you answer, no, you can't wish to be an understudy in "The Book of Mormon.
" I'd wish for one night with Kate Upton.
Just one night, Shell? After that, I wouldn't need your damn magic.
I got a wand of my own.
Okay, well, I guess if I had one wish, I'd like for Nicki's boobs to be a little smaller.
I mean, it's not a sexual thing.
It's just, you know, I mean, her back hurts sometimes.
I just want her to be comfortable.
Obviously, my one wish would be that I never asked you what your one wish would be, so Look, the point is is that I got all these guys together, and we decided to chip in to help pay your bar loan.
So meet your new investors.
What? Guys, this is a lot of money.
Are you sure? Well, you've done so much for us, and we all had some money lying around, so You know, I set aside 40 bucks a week to take out potential lady friends, so I had about 8 grand just sitting there.
And I still had some money left over from my water-park settlement, so turns out that, uh, drowning and being pronounced clinically dead for 2 1/2 minutes in a wave pool can be very lucrative.
Uh, you know, I just I always kind of felt like this was our bar, so, you know, it's nice to To have Okay.
Breathe breathe in, Justin.
Come on! You're either gonna start crying or pushing out a baby soon.
Either way, I don't want to be here, so I'm gonna get home.
Danny Burton, freeze.
So, the way I see it, you have two options.
One, I give you a very long, passionate, intense hug.
Or, two, you have to listen to me while I tell you how I feel.
All right, pour your heart out, Baby Bird.
But I got to tell you, if it get too touchy-feely, I'm gonna cut you off right there.
- You see, friendship - Okay, that's enough.
You brought this on yourself.
I'm sorry, but this feels more like a threesome.
It feels good to help Justin.
We should celebrate, Les.
Maybe dinner and a movie? You can make me dinner.
Then we get naked and make a movie.
Let's do this.
You, me in the handicapped stall right now.
R really? No.
But I bet you can't follow me when I walk away.
Hey, guys, can I ask you two a hypothetical question? Say Shelly and I get invited to a party and, uh, we have this other friend Let's call him "Lursky.
" who tends to scare away other single people.
Can we just not invite him to the party? That's like lying.
You can't lie to Burski.
He's your friend.
You lie to him all the time.
Yeah, but in my defense, I don't really consider him a friend.
You know he means well.
Yeah, but "means well" is getting in the way of me crushing ass.
Hey, look, I get it, you know? It's like he's the exact opposite of me.
He went to college and doesn't move his mouth when he reads? She told me she was gonna start doing this.
It's called the "Danny drive-by.
" She was pissed when you broke her heart, so now she gets to slam you, and you never get the last word.
All right, well, that's not gonna accomplish anything.
Uh, exactly what Danny's parents said about him.
Oh, come on! Thanks again, guys.
Not only did I pay off my loan, but the new TV I ordered for you is going right there.
Well, that's great, Baby Bird, 'cause we are all focused on making this bar as awesome as it can possibly be.
Now, we, meaning me and the investors, just had a meeting, and we all decided that we should change the name of the bar.
Before you get mad, don't do the thing where you put your hands on your hips like some disappointed mom.
Yeah, "Black Eyes" is a bit of a confusing name, mate.
It sounds like "Black Guys.
" You know, there is a name that I've kind of been thinking about.
What about "Underdogs"? You know, it kind of fits us and Detroit, you know? Hmm.
Well, uh, we had a meeting just with our eyes, and we all decided that "Underdogs" is a terrible name.
Look, all right, I'm open to suggestions, all right? Let's just all keep brainstorming.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Careful, Justin.
Mixing business and friends can be tricky, especially with Danny.
He takes over everything.
No, he's not that bad.
He called my wedding "Danny's big day.
" Yeah, I did see the, uh the picture with him in a white tux, which was But anyway, that's not what's happening here.
Beep, beep! Here we go.
Beep, beep! Watch out, everybody! Move in.
Hi.
Whoa, w what the hell are you doing? It's a a new desk for our office.
"Our" office? Yep.
It's my wedding all over again.
Stay out of this.
I still haven't forgiven you for ruining my big day.
Do you love it? If you love it, make your face all red and try to get the veins popping out of your forehead.
He loves it, bro.
Just trying to stay calm, you know, 'cause this bar is, uh this bar is my baby.
And we know how protective people are of their babies.
Not my aunt Sophie.
Of course, she has had nine kids now.
Man, they shoot out of her like they're being fired out of a T-shirt cannon.
Boom! Is it a boy or a girl? I don't know why I'm getting emotional.
You're a very strange white woman.
I need to go rethink my life.
Look, man, we're just trying to make this bar better, okay? Hello? Danny's office.
Oh, you do not answer my phone in my bar! Um, in his defense, you did say you thought of it as "our" bar.
Oh, please, Brett! You're not even from this country.
Stay the hell out of it.
Hey! Why are you even fighting me on this?! Why would you want to answer the phone?! Why can't I do it? Just let me answer the phone.
Relax.
Hi.
Justin's office.
Hi.
Is Danny there? Sabrina, can I get a bar towel please? You're sweet.
Thank you.
Come on, why are you so upset? It's just I thought you guys would be more like silent partners.
"Silent partners"? What is that, the name of yours and Nicki's sex tape? Oh, no, that's "Gone in sixty seconds.
" Look, we should do some cool stuff to get more people to the bar.
Oh, my G wow! I never thought of that! I never thought that we should get people into a bar that I own! Oh, my God! I mean, you are such a genius! You look like an idiot, but oh, my God, you are the smartest guy I've ever seen! Hey, how should we solve world hunger? Should we give people food? Okay.
Look, just calm down, okay? And will you go to your happy place? Which, for you, I can assume is a giant warehouse full of free khakis.
Why are you getting so weirded out that I want to help run this place? All right, you know what, Danny? You're right.
I could use a breather.
So what do you say tonight, you run the bar, okay? You can do all the "cool stuff" you think that can get people here.
Okay, well, for what it's worth, I think that that's one of the coolest decisions you've ever made.
Right, and it's highly unlike you because you happen to be a control freak, and Oh, you think I can't do it.
I know you can't do it.
You want to know why? Because you hate hard work.
Aww! And you're terrible with numbers.
Oh, I'm terrible with numbers.
Really? most delicious number.
Okay, Danny, a girl orders two cosmos, one with premium vodka.
What's the sales tax? Uh, that depends.
How hot is the girl? Enjoy your night.
Just can't help yourself, can you? You got to take over everything.
Can you just give it up about your wedding day, okay? I made it better, all right? Remember how awesome your first dance was? I don't because you danced it! And F.
Y.
I.
, there is no such thing as a "traditional brother-solo dance.
" Oh, really? Then what's this? Here comes the wife's brother here comes the wife's brother weddings are super boring but here comes the wife's brother Hey, you guys have fun at that party last night without me? What are you talking about? We didn't go to any party.
Saturday's my volleyball night.
It's when I stay home and watch women play volleyball.
I saw the pictures you posted on Instagram last night.
#noburskiallowed.
I think deep down, I wanted to get caught.
Bursk, I swear it wasn't even that fun.
Stop lying, Brett.
Okay.
It was the best night of my life.
You guys could have just told me you didn't want me to come.
You bust my balls all the time, but I'm the lovable one in this group.
I'm like a puppy.
I'm a lovable puppy, and you kick me.
You're puppy kickers.
Leslie, we're leaving.
No? Okay.
Wow.
You actually made me feel sorry for Burski.
Was it worth it? I will answer that question by showing you an Instagram picture of me getting a piggyback ride from a very attractive gay man.
Brett, it's not a piggyback ride if you're facing each other.
#worthit! Hey, Baby Bird, look, I'm gonna say something that's gonna make myself feel very bad, so I want you to try and not be happy about it, okay? I can't run the bar.
Whoo! Okay, all right, okay.
The "whoo" is a little much.
Look, I just I don't know how to get people in the bar, all right? There's only two people in there, and even that's too many for me to handle.
Will you please come back.
Of course, okay? Justin to the rescue.
Oh! Did I say two people? I meant a hundred.
But as you know, I'm not very good with numbers! It's been like three hours.
How did you get so many people here? Uh, look, I don't want to overstate this, but in many ways, I'm like the center of the universe.
Are those two guys kissing? Oh, so I turned it into a gay bar.
Sundays only well, Sun-gays only.
He was actually smart.
Diana Ross was signing autographs at the Motown Museum.
He went down and passed out two-for-one drink fliers to anyone wearing a tight V-neck.
Well, we must've just missed each other.
You know what? The only problem now is trying to keep Brett focused on work.
Free shot to any Puerto Rican with amazing abs! God bless you, Danny Burton.
How come wherever gay guys go, attractive, single women seem to follow? Well, they think they're gonna get a night out without getting hit on.
Oh, they are sorely mistaken.
I'm just glad to see everybody's having fun.
Well, I'm glad you're glad, because the only reason that you wouldn't be glad to see your bar full of paying customers would be if it bothered you that the guy who got your friends to give you money found another way to make you even more money, and that's only something a very petty person would ever feel! That's why I'm glad.
I'm glad.
Okay, I'm gonna go to my office.
Our office.
Okay.
Thank you, Sabrina.
What's up with all the dongs, dude? Actually, Danny made Sunday nights into Sun Oh, I'm not talking to you, Brett.
Hey, Shelly, Psyche.
Not talking to you either, dude.
Leslie, nice cans.
What's going on? I just told a hot gay guy that I used to be a dude.
Look, you guys, ditching Burski last night was not cool.
They just don't get it, Danny.
Guys like you and me All right, look, I'm gonna stop you right there because no sentence should ever start that way.
Hey, you know that when you speak, you drive single people away, right? Of course.
Okay, well, what if I told you that that's what makes Burski the ultimate wingman? I would say you're mad simply insane! Hey, Bursk, you see that bachelorette party over there? All right, go over there and be yourself.
All right, look, every group has a Burski.
You just have to find out how to use your Burski, okay? Now, see? Look.
He's in, all right? Now, that girl has a large chest, so I'm assuming that Burski will bring up motorboating in 3, 2 And they explode, all right? But girls are like pack animals.
After they scatter, they're desperate to regroup, and they'll do that at the furthest point from Burski, which happens to be now right here.
Hey, girls.
This is Shelly.
He's like a human couch.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Ooh! Follow me.
Does this work for guys, too? You guys like butts? Hey, to Danny! Yay! Whoo-hoo! Look, if we're gonna keep having gay night, then we have to make a rule no hooking up with customers in the men's room.
Brett He was talking to me, and I'll do what I want.
You know, if we keep on making this kind of cash, you could give us a healthcare plan with dental! Ha ha! It's one good night.
I'd keep flossing.
Good night? That was like the best night ever.
But you have to think about the consequences, all right? Mo money, mo problems.
I can't believe that you're seriously bummed out because I pulled this off.
I'm not.
I'm happy! Y you don't look happy.
A lot of people look angry when they're happy.
Haven't you ever been to Germany? All right, so what? I "took over" the bar.
It's still your bar.
Great bar, Danny.
Hey.
No problem, Todd.
Look, I we made money.
You like making money, don't you? Okay, what do you want me to do? You really want me to admit that for years, I've put my heart and soul into this place, and I've never had a night even close to this? I suck at this! I'm a failure.
I mean, do you know what that feels like? Have you ever failed at anything in your life? No.
Oh, good.
You guys are all here.
I went to the bar looking for you.
Side note maybe lock the door next time you leave for the night.
I found a neighborhood dog up on the bar, drinking from the soda gun.
Anyway, uh, I just wanted to apologize for freaking out.
Well, you know what, Baby Bird? I'm actually glad you're here because I feel like I'm the one that owes you an apology.
Look, man, the reason why I've never failed at anything is because I've never even really tried anything.
I mean, the only job I've ever had was suing that water park, and I don't even know how to make that a full-time gig.
But, you know, you took your money, and you went all-in, and you bought a bar.
I mean, how how ballsy is that? I just did what I always do, and I I I take someone else's thing, and I make it my own.
I'm gonna take that as an apology for my wedding, as well.
Well, you know what? That's a different story, and everybody kind of knows that, all right? I put the whole thing up online, and I had people vote on it, and they all voted in favor of me.
Look, I'm sorry, Baby Bird.
How could I have been such an idiot? You opened your mouth and words came out? What is she, magic? This whole thing started because we wanted to change the name of the bar.
And it's your bar, so you can do what you want, but we thought that we had a suggestion, if you would take it, maybe name the bar after you.
You want to name the bar Justin's? Well, no.
Of course not.
That's a terrible name for a bar.
It sounds like an airport steakhouse.
Okay, what's what's the name, then? Baby Bird's? I remember the, uh the first time you called me that.
What the hell was that? Better put on a raincoat.
There's a cry a-brewing.
All right, no, no, no.
Look, look, I'm not good with this kind of emotion.
You can stop this, right? What if I hug you? Will that make it better, maybe make it go away? Okay.
I lied! Hey, girls, I'd really like to have sex with one of you Or both.
Why, hello, earth angels.
You really don't mind doing that? Of course not.
They're my friends.
I love them.
Aww.
That makes you a really good friend.
You know, one day, I'm gonna go to a group of girls, say something offensive, and I think one special lady's gonna stay.
I think that girl might be you.
You see, you and I have something that a lot of people L Leslie? Leslie?