United States of Al (2021) s01e12 Episode Script

So far, it's been a very tight game.
You'll never believe what Dad did.
Do we have to establish an alibi? So, we were out riding bikes, and this dog runs out into the middle of the street, and all these cars were gonna hit it, and it was so scared, and then Dad runs out there and scoops him up in his jacket.
They almost got hit by a truck.
Brave and stupid.
Sounds like my brother.
Look what we found.
Get that out of here! Are you scared? Are you dumb? I forgot to tell you, Afghans don't really keep dogs as pets.
Okay, but Uncle Al, this is a nice dog.
Mm-mmm.
Mm, dogs are not nice.
They are wild animals who travel in packs and terrorize the streets at night.
Come on.
Just give him a little pet.
No, thank you.
I like having hands.
Al, relax.
This is a sweet little dog.
Fine.
I will pet it outside.
All right.
Come on.
That was close.
What happened to you? Hazel and I were giving the dog a bath.
In the house? Yeah, in the kitchen sink.
In the sink?! We wash our dishes in that sink.
From now on, each bite of food you take, dog.
Each sip of water you take, dog.
Calm down.
It's not a permanent thing.
All right, Lizzie's making some signs for us to put up.
We'll find his owner.
Or we can take him out to the woods and let him be the master of his own destiny.
Isn't that the American way? I can't do that.
Hazel loves him.
I understand, but I'm sure she could love a different animal.
How about a bird? - A bird? - Birds are great.
They fly, they sing, and if you get tired of them, you can eat them.
We're not getting a bird.
Okay, how about a rabbit? They're cute and furry, and if it doesn't work out, also very tasty.
- Target, one o'clock.
- On it.
I think we should name the dog Chesty after Lieutenant General Chesty Puller.
Chesty.
That used to be my nickname for your mom.
Really? Uh, probably shouldn't have told you that.
What if we call him Sergeant? I like that.
Then he wouldn't outrank me.
Do you think we could teach him to salute? Oh, don't get ahead of yourself.
There's probably a family out there looking for Sarge.
You called him Sarge.
Probably shouldn't have done that, either.
Oh.
Am I a bad person because I don't want them to find him? No, but we still have to try.
Do you remember a Marine's first core value? - Ugh.
Honor.
- That's right.
Honor guides Marines - to exemplify the ultimate - To exemplify the ultimate - in ethical and moral behavior.
- in ethical and moral behavior.
Exactly.
So we're gonna hang up all these signs and whatever happens, happens.
- Okay.
- Okay.
11 o'clock, fence.
We're out of staples.
Okay, well, that happens.
Let's go home.
Come on.
Get it, Sarge.
Get it, Sarge.
Hey.
Your mom just pulled up with the homework you forgot.
Aw, nuts.
Hey, could we build a house for him? Well, he's a sergeant.
Shouldn't he live in barracks? Oh, perfect! Nice try.
Whose dog is that? It's our dog.
We found him.
His name is Sarge, and we're gonna build him barracks.
Oh.
Well, that's just great.
Um, can I talk to you for a minute? You can.
Do you have to? What are you doing? Same thing I always do with you waiting to be yelled at.
That dog has to belong to somebody, and when they show up for him, she's gonna be devastated.
Nobody wants this dog.
All right? He's got no tags, and we put up signs so if they were looking for him, - they'd have called by now.
- Okay.
I just wish you wouldn't jump into stuff without thinking it through.
Hey, I saved that dog's life.
You're yelling at a hero.
I'm yelling at an idiot.
Oh, yeah? Go in there and ask Hazel which one of us she likes best right now.
The dad who got her a dog or the mom who got her homework? Go on, Chesty.
I'll wait here.
Can we add one more thing to the doghouse? Got to stop you right there.
First rule of contracting: once construction has begun, no additional changes can be made.
That's the source of all your cost overruns.
So what's your idea? A webcam so I can watch him sleep.
Oh, great.
Now I got to run power to this thing? You weren't planning to? All right, I'm checking out.
I got to take a shower for my date.
Ooh, that's setting a dangerous precedent.
I like this woman.
I want to smell good.
I don't want this.
Stop bringing it to me.
Playing fetch? No.
I am trying to get rid of this disgusting wet ball, and he keeps bringing it back.
- That's fetch.
- Okay.
What is it called when you throw the ball and he doesn't come back? I'd like to play that game.
You're trying so hard to be grumpy, but how can you resist his cute little face? Oh! I hope you're happy.
No one will marry you now.
You promise? It starts with licks, but once it gets a taste, it will bite your face off.
Then you'll be the girl at school with no face.
Only 20 people a year die from dog bites.
A hundred die from coconuts falling out of trees.
- How do you know this? - Google, dude.
Well, I think it's repulsive you let a filthy animal lick your face.
A dog's tongue is cleaner than a human's.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Look where its clean tongue is now.
I'm gonna go wash my face.
You're not making it any cleaner.
Ooh! I hope you like brie.
Mm, it's hot cheese.
What's not to like? That wasn't me.
I know.
It's the leather.
Oh.
It's a real nice couch.
It's awful.
I hate it.
And I hate it, too.
My ex picked it out.
He thought it was funny that it made fart noises.
Well, not to brag, but none of my furniture farts.
Was that his, too? Nope, that's my grandma's.
- You're kidding.
- Mm-mmm.
One shot, 150 yards.
We had venison hamburgers for, like, two years.
How about that.
Any left? Man, that is one happy kid.
Of course she's happy.
She's a child.
She doesn't know anything.
Hey, do me a favor.
Will you stick your lower lip out? - Why? - That's how we pout in America.
I'm not pouting.
I'm just concerned about everyone's health and safety.
Well, there's nothing to be concerned about.
How do you know the dog is not carrying some kind of disease? We gave it a bath.
Okay, so if I brought home a raccoon, I could keep it as long as it had a bath? Yeah, I'd consider it.
Look, I wish you'd just take a moment to appreciate how great this is for Hazel.
Don't pretend this is about Hazel.
This is about you trying to make her mother look bad.
Yeah, and it's working.
Like, surprisingly well.
I'm glad you're so pleased with yourself, but you know me.
This creature and I cannot live under the same roof.
So, you are going to have to choose.
It's either him or me.
Why aren't you saying anything? I'm just trying to figure out where else you could live.
Thank you so much.
Come on in.
- I'll open a bottle of wine.
- I don't drink.
I know.
I am also very concerned that if it bites Hazel and she doesn't get the shots, a small dog the size of an ant will grow inside her stomach.
Right behind her belly button.
How am I just learning about this? He's not serious.
I am very serious.
My mother told me this when I was child.
His mother told him this when he was a child.
Look, this is just typical Riley.
He thinks he can do what he wants and saying sorry will fix everything.
That's what he tried to do with me.
I think saying sorry shows great strength 'cause you're not afraid to be vulnerable.
- Not now.
- Sorry.
It's 'cause Riley thinks he's always right.
Boy, does he.
Did you ever try to fold his T-shirts? Yeah, once.
I folded them right side to left side, which, apparently, is against regulations.
He had me taken off laundry detail.
I said, "Excuse me.
I am trying to do you a favor.
" Yeah, and then he'll say, "It's not a favor - if you do it wrong.
" - If you do it wrong.
I just got chills.
And you know, there's an even bigger pothole on the corner where the IHOP is.
Every time I drive over it, I'm like, "when the hell are they gonna fix this thing?" Got half a mind to show up there with a truck full of sand and fill it myself.
That'd show 'em.
Well, it's a temporary solution.
Ultimately, there was probably an underlying drainage issue and, oh, my God, why am I talking about potholes? I didn't want to ask.
S I'm so sorry.
I haven't been on a date in probably 30 years.
You're doing great.
- Thanks.
- Mm.
Not me.
No, it's the damn couch.
Oh.
I wish I could just dump it on my ex's front lawn.
Well, I got a truck out front.
We can do that.
Could you imagine? Hang on.
Oh, yeah.
Let's do it.
Why did I think dating is hard? This is terrific! How's it going? Awesome.
Even though everybody's mad at me for being a great dad.
It must be so hard to be you.
Hey, Vanessa just doesn't get it.
I basically missed out on six years of Hazel growing up.
I'm just making up for lost time.
This is where you're supposed to agree with me.
I really want to.
But? Those six years were not easy for Vanessa.
Being a single mom was really tough.
Oh, come on.
Hazel was the cutest, happiest baby ever.
I mean, all the videos I got, she was always laughing and cooing.
Those were curated, you ding-dong.
What? They were baby recruitment videos.
Nobody sends screaming baby videos to their husbands overseas, because they'd never come home.
I never really thought about it.
Well, start thinking.
Vanessa worked 12 hours a day, picked the baby up from her mom's, got her to bed, then put makeup on before she went to sleep just in case you Skyped her in the middle of the night.
Well, she didn't have to do that.
Of course she didn't.
She wanted to.
Look, she'll never know what you went through, and you'll never know what she went through.
But when it comes to Hazel, you should listen to her.
She put in the time.
I am right about the dog, though.
Sure.
- That's all I wanted to hear.
- Yeah.
I can't believe we're doing this.
- I know.
It's awesome.
- This is good.
- Yeah, ease it down.
- Right here.
Yeah, I'll put it down.
Ah! Ah.
Thank you, Art.
This is really fun.
Yeah, it's been fun.
Ah.
I'm kicking myself we didn't stop for eggs and toilet paper.
He's home.
Run! Aah! - Morning.
- Good morning.
Something smells good.
Yes, it is my heartfelt gratitude in the form of coffee and breakfast.
Please.
- You didn't have to do that.
- Oh, yes, I did.
I believe it's important to contribute in the home whether I stay one night or seven nights or however long dogs live.
Al, I think you might be overreacting about that dog.
Whoa.
He can tell us we're overreacting, but I don't think it's cool for us to say that to him.
New world, Babe.
#MeToo.
I don't think I'm overreacting at all.
That dog has his own home.
I live in a garage.
Awalmir.
Did I say that right? - Yes.
- Good, I practiced.
Awalmir, - you're our honored guest.
- Hmm.
And I respect your point of view, but maybe in this matter you're not right.
Are you saying I'm wrong? Those are your words.
Uh, what I'm trying to say is that dog might be really good for Hazel.
- Why? - Well, to answer that, I have to tell a story.
Ugh.
When I was a little boy, I didn't have many friends.
If it wasn't for my dog, I would have been very lonely.
Uh, Hazel's not lonely.
At one time or another, all kids are lonely.
I wasn't.
But, then again, I did share a bedroom with four cousins.
Hazel doesn't show it, but our breakup was really tough on her.
It's one of the reasons she's hard on Riley.
Why are you saying that? That's a great question.
I'm gonna do some thinking.
Look, just 'cause I tell you something about Riley doesn't mean you can just go blab it to his best friend.
Well, I was trying to build bridges, babe.
Hey, don't call me babe.
It's so condescending.
Sorry.
Low blood sugar.
You know what? I think it's time for you to go home.
It feels like you're looking at me.
Sit.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Good Sarge.
Good Sarge.
I'm back.
You left? So, Hazel, how is it going with your Sergeant? Great.
He slept in my bed last night.
Well, isn't that revolting.
Maybe you'd like him more if you gave him a little pet.
Fine.
Hold him in case he goes crazy.
That's good.
Now say something to him.
I would rather not.
Come on.
You can do it.
He doesn't speak Pashto.
He doesn't speak English.
What's happening here? I'm touching a dog on purpose.
How's your day going? Can you give me and Hazel a minute? Of course.
Oh, that is not good.
What's up? We just got a call about Sarge.
Yeah.
Are you sure it's their dog? Yeah, I'm sure.
And they got a little boy your age who's been crying for two days.
- That sucks.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Mom told me this might happen.
Maybe we should have listened to her.
It's not fair.
Oh, I know.
I'll make it up to you, okay? I promise.
How? You like birds? Not really.
Do you think we could still finish the doghouse? Maybe Sarge's family will take it.
That's a great idea.
He's a good boy.
Yeah, also, he's a she.
Don't know how we missed that one.
- - Okay go.
Hi, Riley.
Hazel and I miss you.
We're so proud of you.
Oh, okay.
She's definitely peeing on me right now.
Hey, Riley.
Everything's great here.
Your girls really miss you.
Okay, that sucks.
Can you stop the camera? You stop, too, please.
Now say, "hi" to Daddy.
Oh, she spit up all down your back.
Will you take her? - No way.
- Lizzie! Aw.
Look at your two sleeping beauties.
They're resting up until you come home.
- Did you get it? - Yeah.
Okay, just send that one.
Delete the others.
Never.