Worst Week s01e12 Episode Script

- What's all this? - It's for your parents.
It's a little thank you for being so cool about letting us stay here Since our contractor is taking his sweet time working on our loft.
I did not know it was gonna take this long to fix a ceiling.
I did.
All right.
Watch out.
I'm gonna go upstairs with this.
There's a few pancakes there Which you have already found and are eating like a bear.
Good morning, Lazy faces.
Anyone hungry? Sam, what did you do? Just a little thank you for puttin'up with us the last couple of weeks.
Got, Blueberry pancakes for you, Angela, and a denver omelet, right, Dick? - Extra peppers? - You are such a darling! Why don't you just put it over there on the dresser? Come on, half the fun is eatin'it in bed.
- What's the matter? - Oh, god! Those kids need to move back into their own place.
- It hasn't been that bad.
- Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey! Please, no! Are Kinda runny.
-= 112 =- " The Article " VO By : ¤AkaZab¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
fr.]
Hey, guys.
I'm so sorry, again, for the breakfast in bed incident.
- Or should I say breakfast on bed? - How'bout you not say anything? You're right.
I am very sorry.
You're a wise man.
Sometimes it's better not to speak of things I Any word on when your apartment's gonna be ready? You want us out.
I get that.
Believe me, I'm with you, and the good news is any day now.
- The contractor says any day.
- Great.
That means two weeks in contractor language.
Okay, that's bad, because he actually did say two weeks.
Well i love having you kids here.
I'll call you after my lunch in the city.
Hey, so I was thinking that I might be into doing it in a pool or on an exercise ball.
Well, I will do it any way you want, babe.
This is not something I wanna hear about.
Eew, dad! No, we're not talking about that.
- It's for our birth plan.
- Birth plans? Dick, did you ever? In 1977, we did not have birth plans.
I went in I went under, and the next thing I knew, I was holding you in my arms and wearing a new tennis bracelet.
Well, that's awful.
Dad, where were you? I was in the datsun.
Waiting in line for gas.
Just trust Dr.
Royce.
He's excellent.
I do trust him, but I have a lot of questions, you know? I mean, do I want an epidural? Who do we want in the delivery room? Oh, good lord.
Angela don't worry.
It's not crazy stuff.
We're just gonna have family in there.
- Female family, dad.
- Don't count on me.
The obituaries.
I Kinda have a morbid fascination.
But mom, if you change your mind, I would really love you there.
Honey I don't think so.
I think there are some things that I just don't need to see.
Yikes! I couldn't agree more.
Hey, I'm running to meet Mel at the obstetrician's office.
So if anyone asks, can you please tell them? - You got it.
- Thank you.
Wait.
Say all that again.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, oh, god.
What's she - Nice couch.
- Thanks.
You're the first one to notice! Have a seat.
- It's very relaxing.
- Isn't it? So Sam I really like what you've done with the hot list.
- Thank you.
- So I'm taking you off it.
I can tell you're talented.
You should be writing features.
The hot list only takes up this much space.
I think you can handle This much.
Yes! Yes.
Features are what I've always wanted to write.
Thank you.
Well, don't thank me now.
Thank me tomorrow morning - On paper.
- Absolutely.
Thank you.
I'll i'll be right on that.
Although, just to be clear, you wanted me to write an article or a thank-you note? You're too cute.
You know what? I'll do both.
And I have another idea for a story about the guy that mines all the marble for the for the monuments.
I always thought it was an interesting thing i'd call it quarry story.
- Sounds a little like "snory story.
" - I know, but, that's the Kinda stuff they do at cap weekly, and I do wanna capture the tone exactly.
You're up.
First, could you fill this for me? You kidding me? I could fill this lady's hat.
But I won't! But I could.
- Are you coming? - One second.
I'm gonna do some quick market research.
I'll be right there.
Excuse me.
That's my magazine.
So put it down kidding.
I actually write for it.
Features.
What exactly do you like best in the magazine? I just needed somewhere to stick my gum.
Okay.
Right.
Thanks for the input.
Preciate it.
Excuse me.
Where did they put Clayton? Let's see room two.
Thank you.
Just pee in your hat.
Room two.
Well, so much for market research.
Where were you? - Looking at your mom's vagina.
- What? What are you doing? Dinner's in like, 20 min.
I'm eating mine upstairs.
Things are gonna be kind of awkward when your mom gets here, so Sam, you can't avoid her forever, okay? You need to just pretend like it never happened.
That's what she's gonna do.
Well, you know what? Just in case, i'm gettin'out of here.
Vagina.
So mel knows too.
- I'm in a nightmare.
- I am so sorry.
If I knew you had appointments at the same time, I wouldn't have wandered around.
You said you were having lunch in the city.
That's my code.
A lady never says that she's going - to her gynecologist's office.
- I say - I'm home! - God, okay not a word of this to your father.
I would die! - Are you kidding? - Fine.
Full house.
How nice.
- Angela, how was your day? - Uneventful.
- Didn't you have lunch in the city? - I can't remember.
There's my bird.
'Scuse me.
What's wrong with her? - What did you do? - Nothing! Did you notice anything? I don't know.
Everything's peachy.
Like this guy.
That is not a peach.
That is soap.
And you know what else? Why design a gynecologist's office where the exam room table is facing the door? Is the doctor so busy that he can't walk in and hang a right? Sounds efficient to me.
- Come back and talk for a minute? - Yeah, all right.
Let's do it.
Have a seat.
Don't trust that one.
Gonna go with the traditional route.
Doesn't really Come out very easily.
So quarry story.
- What'd you think? - It was researched and detailed, and it perfectly captured the tone of the magazine.
- Thank you.
- I hate the tone of the magazine.
It's dry and safe And boring.
I didn't transfer to DC.
To publish a safe magazine.
I came here to shake things up and find a great boyfriend who's not afraid to take it to the next level.
Good luck.
I'd love to see you try writing something more personal and risky.
Yes, I want to.
I like risks.
I like persons.
Then how about writing that story going around the office about seeing your mother-in-law's nee-nah? Okay.
You know about that.
There's no way I could write that story.
I'm sorry.
My mother-in-law would never speak to me again.
Okay.
Fine.
But if you wanna get published in the new cap weekly, you'd better write something in your own adorable voice.
- By 9:00 am Monday.
- You got it.
I am on it.
I am and believe me, I got a zillion ideas for that.
- This is perfect.
- Yeah, sorry.
I'm at your desk.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be.
I just needed a really quiet place to work.
You know what while I have you here, can I take your temperature on something? Would you at all be interested in a story about the time I wound up in a birthday party for Carl Lewis? I we were in Nashville.
What Nashville? Are you telling him the Carl Lewis story? Julie shot down quarry story, so I gotta come up with some new ideas.
Something personal, more in my voice.
- Well, that sounds doable.
- You'd think so.
But I can't seem to.
I don't know.
I've worked on a lotta stuff, and it all fizzles out.
I can't find one that.
You know, Julie had kind of a funny idea.
She thought I should write about what happened with your mom yesterday.
- You told people that? - No, no.
It got out To the the Smallish circle of everybody.
I'm sorry it's a funny thing, and I told a few people.
It'd probably be a good story to write.
I mean, not, you know, for me, but someone else to do.
Right? This is my mother.
She can't even handle being in her own daughter's delivery room.
I mean, she taught us to pee with the lights out.
If she thought that an article like this even existed, she would slip into a humiliation coma.
You're right, I'm not gonna do it.
And that's what I told Julie.
I'm not gonna write the story.
I'm gonna go with the carl lewis thing.
Good.
And we're totally sure it was Carl Lewis, right? What do you think? Yeah, what? He I don't know.
He says it's okay.
You never support anything I do.
Yeah.
That's Kinda funny.
But shut up.
All right, I'm gonna do it.
Gimme, gimme one.
You.
All right.
Here we go.
Sam.
Actually, I need to have that quilt please, that you're sitting on.
I have to leave in 15 minutes for my quilting circle.
It's my turn to lead.
- Are there four corners or.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
I warmed it up for you.
- Thank you.
Where's my.
- Honey, we need to.
- Good morning, ink face.
I see you wrote the vagina article.
Thank god you have it.
I thought.
I tried to write the Carl Lewis thing.
I did.
It I couldn't get a way in, you know? It's like I tried to think of different.
He's a very complicated character.
I tried to write bunch of other stories.
I really did, I just my brain kept coming back to this.
I had to get rid of it, just get it out, out of my system.
- I know I shouldn't have.
- You really shouldn't have.
- But I have to admit it's hilarious.
- Is it? You liked it? I think it's the best thing you've ever written.
And now it has to be destroyed.
- I know.
- But I'm really proud of you.
Isn't there a pool or an exercise ball where the two of you could do that? Let me help you get that ink off your face.
- Sorry, dad.
I finished that.
- Of course you did.
- That's cold.
- Don't be a wuss.
You hurt my feelings.
- Where's the article? - I don't know.
- It was.
- It was.
It's in your dad's newspaper.
- He there? He's not in there! - Where does he usually read the paper? - Sorry.
I need this.
- What the hell? We have about 15 seconds to find this article before your dad murders me.
Oh, god! Jiminy Chrismas When you find that article, I am going to destroy it.
I know, I know.
- Look over there! - It's not here! Well, where else would it be? Maybe I dropped it in the hallway.
No.
What's wrong? One of your mom's sewing patterns.
She must have dropped it - Oh, my god, Sam! - Your mom has the vagina article.
She's not in her room.
And she's not downstairs.
She must have already left for her quilting circle.
Well, I gotta get that article before she reads it.
All right, Sam.
I've had it! You and I are gonna have a talk right now about you respecting some boundaries around here! I wanna have that conversation too, because we gotta figure that out, but I can't do it now.
Can I call you, and we'll set a time? You're not going anywhere until you explain to me what that was all about! Dad, there is an explanation for all of this.
But believe me, - you don't wanna hear it.
- I wanna hear it.
Right now! - Vagina.
- I saw Angela's vagina.
- What? - It was an accident.
I was in an OB's office.
A very poorly designed OB's office.
And, I wrote an article about it, and I misplaced the article, and I thought that you had it.
And that's why I visited you in the bathroom.
But you don't have it.
Angela has it.
And long story short, right now your wife is on her way to a quilting circle with an article that I wrote about her vagina.
Please She'll never speak to him again.
Come on, everybody.
Let's gather up.
Here's something i wanna show you.
Okay, ladies, I came up with what I think is a fun and a fair way to distribute these quilt patterns so there won't be any hard feelings, you know, or bullying.
Like last time.
Thelma.
Now, this game was a real barn burner at wellesley.
And what we're gonna do is everyone's gonna take a blindfold, and then I'm going to spread these quilt patterns all over the center of the room like that.
And we've got three on one side, three on the other.
And When I say go, you're going to have 30 seconds to go and get as many quilt patterns as you can, okay? All right, but remember, ladies, calmly.
And once again, calmly Here we go! I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna get the pattern.
- He's got one of the patterns! - It's not a pattern.
"The day I saw my mother-in-law's vagina"? Angela, I I had to write something.
It's not gonna be Where were we, ladies? What were we doing? Burgoyne surrounded.
Turkey tracks.
That's always one of my favorites.
It was fun? And pinwheel.
I see you got pinwheel.
I should have been there with you.
Why didn't you wait for me? Every second counted, honey.
I couldn't wait for you to pee.
All right.
Stupid Tiny bladder.
Gosh, are you sure that you wanna go to a hotel? Yeah.
You know, I think mom might need a little break - from us right now.
- If you insist.
Here's your confirmation number.
It's all booked and prepaid.
For as long as you need it.
Until your loft is ready.
Thank you, dad.
Can I just.
I never snort.
I don't snort.
This is very funny! What, the article? You like it? It's a hoot.
When the when you When you and the drape! It's precious.
So you're not mad.
I was.
I was mad at first.
I was actually probably more embarrassed than mad.
But then I i read it.
It's not about me at all.
It's about Sam.
And it's how much I mean to him, and that's - that's nice to read about.
- Well my god, thank.
I mean, you know, I.
First of all, i'm glad I didn't offend you, 'cause it wasn't ever meant to be, you know.
That was just.
And second of all, I will never ever again mention your Vagina.
Mom, I'm impressed.
Well, I'm reading this, I mean, I've just been too uptight about this.
And honey, I am sorry that I said I wouldn't be in the delivery room with you when you're having your baby.
- Really? - Of course i'm going to be there.
I'm gonna be holding your hand! I'll be stroking your hair and rubbing your shoulder and No one's gonna make you look down there, mom.
Thank god! That's awesome.
And just so you know, I never intended to publish it.
- Just written to kind of you know.
- I know, dear.
Although, you seem so delighted by it, i would it be okay if I.
That'd be the last thing you ever did.
- So? What'd you think? - Get out.
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