30 Rock s01e13 Episode Script

No, Jack, I'm not blaming you but everybody got food poisoning.
Food poisoning? That isn't possible.
That seafood was a gift from my friend, the owner of the Cleveland Browns.
They're very expensive freshwater clams from the Cuyahoga River.
My whole staff has been blorching for three days, so if there's any way that we could show a rerun-- I wish I could help you, Lemon, but I've already sold the ad time to the army.
Now, do the best you can, I need a live show from you in two days.
Uh, no, no, no, no.
That's not for you.
Bianca's coming.
Crazy Bianca is coming here? You make me wanna vomit.
Why? Because she wants something.
She only contacts me when she wants something, and she's bringing her lawyer.
Which means she's gonna try to bleed something else out of me in our divorce proceedings.
You're not all the way divorced? Well, we've been legally separated since 1989.
It's been a nightmare, Lemon.
I mean, one minute you're newlyweds making love on the floor of the Concorde, and the next your lawyers are fighting over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
You taught your dog to poop in a box? Bianca did, but I want that box.
Ugh.
It's gonna take all day and into the night to deal with that crazy woman.
Fighting, conniving, clawing at each other.
Are you angry or excited right now? I can't tell.
Mrs.
Donaghy and her lawyer are here.
I'm sorry, Johnny.
I'm a little early.
This would work on Ugly Betty.
Hey, guys.
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to work all night tonight till we get caught up.
What? Liz I can't believe you're gonna make us work all night on Valentine's Day.
Is it Valentine's Day? Oh, I totally forgot.
Hells, yes, Liz Lemon.
And I had plans.
Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.
Gross.
When you been married 17 years, you have to keep it spicy.
That's why me and my wife role-play.
She put on a Girl Scout outfit with a box of cookies, and I answer the door in my boxers.
Or I rent out a wheelchair, and she pretends to be my caseworker.
And in a way, she is.
Well, what about me? I just took a whole bunch of Cialis 'cause I have big Valentine's plans tonight.
With who? Uh, nobody.
Okay, you know, I'm sorry, you guys, but we have to get this done.
Let's order some dinner.
Cerie, do you mind working late on Valentine's Day? No, I don't care.
Aris and I are in a huge fight anyway.
Well--Aris? Is that your fiancé, Aris? Yeah, he keeps sending me all these flowers to apologize, but he's still insisting on having a Greek Orthodox wedding, but I really disagree with the church's stance on Cyprus.
Mm, so, um, Chinese? Or not? Liz, these are actually for you.
Who are they from? I don't know, it doesn't say.
Secret admirer! Too bad you gotta work all night! Johnny, thank you for speaking to me in person.
If this is about the dog box, I'm not giving in.
Oh, no, Johnny.
I feel so terrible for what happened at Gerhardt's party.
Really? I had a fabulous time at that party.
I want our divorce to be final.
All right.
I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
Fine.
I want the art supplies that I gave you on your 40th birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
Fine.
I want all of our love letters.
Fine.
I want all of your parents' love letters.
Fine.
I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Oh, damn it, Johnny, you know I love my big beef and cheddar.
Take it all.
Take the Arby's, take the house in Amagansett, take the Otto Dix paintings.
I don't care anymore.
I wanna move on.
Mrs.
Donaghy intends to relinquish all communal property.
We should have the papers for you to sign tomorrow.
Then I suppose we're done.
We're done.
Break out a bottle of champagne, but not the one that came with the shellfish.
Get some other bottle of champagne.
Hey.
Hey.
Did you send me these to be nice? Why would I send you flowers? Because it's Valentine's Day-- Oh, no! It's what? It's Valentine's Day? Again? Oh, did you blow it with your wife? It's too late, it's too late, I blew it.
Well, who cares, you know, it's just Valentine's Day.
It's also her birthday.
Ah.
Oh, I got the turkey club.
Hey.
Hey, what's up? Did you just come from a Suzanne Somers look-alike contest? Hilarious, Frank.
Actually, I just came from performing at Vagina Day.
Is that an off-shoot of The Vagina Monologues? No, we are in no way affiliated with The Vagina Monologues.
Vagina Day is a charity event founded by a group of celebrities who have, for whatever reason, never been asked to participate in The Vagina Monologues.
Every February 14, we improvise monologues about our lady parts for the homeless.
Oh, to benefit the homeless? No, just for them.
My vagina is a flower.
A weird ugly flower.
I remember the night I lost my virginity.
It was 1968, during the Democratic Convention.
Lemon, it's done.
What's done? My divorce, it's final.
[laughter.]
Mwah! I'm divorced, everyone! Who wants to grab a drink? Yeah, I really can't, Jack.
You're making us work all night, remember? Oh.
Hey, did you send me these because you feel bad? I did not and I do not.
Hey, Pete, you up for a quick cocktail? Sorry, I gotta duck out, I just found a Hallmark store open 70 blocks from here! Oh, Tracy, what do you say? A quick drink to celebrate my freedom? Aw, Jackie D.
, any other time, but I made plans with my wife tonight.
Just one quick one.
This is the best night of my life! All right-- just one! I gotta be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10:00.
Let's go.
Hey, Frank, marry, boff, kill.
Beyoncé, Paula Abdul, and Oprah.
Dude, that's beyond easy.
Boff Beyoncé, kill Paula, marry Oprah.
Okay, marry, boff, kill.
Cerie, Liz, and Jenna.
Once again, no-brainer.
Marry Liz, get with Cerie, kill Jenna.
I can hear you! (Liz) Frank, knock it off.
Don't play that game about people who are in the room.
Why not? Because it always starts out fun and then it gets weird.
But thank you for saying that you would marry me.
You didn't send me these, right? No.
Are you kidding me? Hi, um, my name is Liz Lemon, and I received flowers from your shop tonight.
And I can't tell who they're from.
No, no, I did read the card, but it's not signed.
No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess.
Well, that is just-- oh, oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually, they're from your mom.
Yeah, so tell your gay mom I said thanks.
We gotta order some more champagne, go and jump on my helicopter, and buzz Trump Tower until Don comes out on the roof and begs us to stop.
Yeah, sounds good! I just gotta call my wife, let her know I'm gonna be late.
Hey, Angie, listen, I'm gonna be-- Right.
I have to go.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That is the weak married man inside you talking.
I used to be like you.
Always remember, marriage is a competition, and after 18 years of overtime, I am finally going to claim victory! You live it up, J.
D.
You know where to find me if you need me.
Okay, I got a hard one.
Osama bin Laden, Martha Stewart, Jenna.
Bone Osama bin Laden, it'd shame him, and then his own people would murder him.
Marry Martha Stewart 'cause, you know, she seems like a dirty bird.
And kill Jenna.
Cerie, marry, boff, kill.
Lutz, Toofer, or Kenneth.
I'd marry Toofer 'cause he's classy.
I'd kill Lutz.
Sorry, Lutz.
The thought that you would do anything to me is awesome.
And I'd boff Kenneth.
What? Really? Okay, what's your problem with me? What? You're always making rudeomments.
You never wanna work with me.
Why don't you like me? 'Cause you're a big phony.
What? Everything about you is fake.
Your tan's fake, your hair's fake.
Not the front! You've never done or said anything real or genuine the whole time I've known you.
Oh, really? And does a phony bare her soul for the homeless? Because that comes from in here.
My vagina is a convenience store.
Clean and reliable.
And closed on Christmas.
Fakeand weird.
Now I would like to propose a toast to my ex-wife who tomorrow I'm going to be saying good-bye to for the very last time.
(women) Aww.
No, no.
No, no, no.
She is very, very mentally sick.
I mean, if you met her, you might think she's wonderful, but believe me, she is the succubus from the bowels of hell.
I mean, if I were forced to remember her as I first met her, when I first fell in love with her, then, yes, I-I, you know, suppose empirically she is very, very beautiful, but, uh But it's what's inside her that really makes her disgusting.
I wish I could touch her boobs again.
She really had a fabulous pair of boobs.
Ah.
I admit Sometimes I would fantasize about her getting various terminal illnesses, and I would nurse her.
To her death.
And she would say, "Johnny, I'm in so much pain!" And I would say, "Just hang in there a little longer, Bianca.
" Love.
They say that lightning never strikes twice.
But I know that I will love again.
And I'm never gonna be happy until I find that woman.
I think what I'm saying to you is what are you doing tonight? Shh.
[whispering.]
Kenneth.
This is your chance.
Cerie digs you.
Excuse me? And she's upset with her fiancé.
Cerie said she would do it with you.
Well, that just makes me perspire.
In fact, I think we need you and Cerie to go on a candy run.
Okay.
[quietly.]
But I need to-- (Lutz) She can't go by herself.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
Can I help you? Yes, sir.
We have reports of a nitrogen leak on this floor.
Oh, no, our room is fine.
I mean, we don't smell it.
Oh, it's odorless, sir.
I really need to check this room.
Well, could you hurry up? Because my wife and I are planning a really special night tonight.
Oh, it's for your own safety, sir.
Mm.
I'm detecting a lot of heat over here.
Is it dangerous? I don't know.
I think it's coming from my butt.
Oh, no, I'm married! That's how I like 'em.
Ah! What? Oh! Role-play, baby! Give it to me, baby! Oh, oh, yeah.
Okay.
I don't know who that is, but we done 'cause I'm not velcro-ing up again.
Just be cool.
Just bebe cool.
Hold on tight.
Who is it? Oh, Tracy.
We couldn't find a hotel room anywhere.
The whole city is booked.
We were hoping we could come here and party with you.
[heavily accented.]
Happy Valentimes! Baby, I'm sorry.
But he's going through some stuff.
Angie, do you like champagne? No, it gives me a headache.
This is a Krug Clos de Mesnil.
I was saving it for a special occasion.
And I thought to myself, my God, this is it, am I right? Good news, good friends.
I clean this too, or, uh, just the sex? Isn't she precious? Hey, fun fact about Vlem, she originally came here to study engineering.
Come on, doll.
You tell GE light bulb man I want Sophie's Choice out of my suite! Babe! Lemon! Are you coming? Let's stall for a minute.
It's so boring up there anyway.
You know, Aris is just so immature sometimes.
That's why I like you, Kenneth.
You're an old soul.
Thank you.
My momma thinks so too.
In fact, she's pretty sure I'm the reincarnated soul of Adren Twyford.
He was our town minister who died in an organ fire.
[beeping.]
Ugh.
He keeps texting me to meet him downtown at his club, even though he knows I'm working.
Well, it's like Dr.
Laura Schlessinger says, "Women should be more accommodating to their men for the health of the marriage.
" She sounds smart.
Is she really a doctor? No, I think she's kinda like Dr.
Pepper.
Well.
I'm gonna go meet him downtown then.
Thanks, Kenneth.
You give really good advice.
Kenneth.
What? How dare you? You're so weird.
Tell Liz I left, okay? All right.
Oh, and if you wanna tell those guys upstairs that we made out, it's all right with me.
Ooh, video games.
We could play video games.
This is the second-worst Valentine's Day we ever had.
Hi, is Mr.
Donaghy here? Another prostitute? Lemon, what do you say? You and me, Atlantic City.
We can be in the crepe line at The Borgata by dawn.
No, Jack.
What are you doing? I'm celebrating.
I want Bianca to see that I'm moving on.
Well then maybe you should call Bianca to help you carry your prostitute out of the hotel you were just ejected from.
You think I should? She'd probably come right down here.
You two are sick! This relationship is sick! You just don't understand, it's complicated! No, I don't understand! Let me ask you a question.
Marry, boff, kill.
Bianca.
Which do you wanna do? All of them.
All of them.
You've gotta get out of each other's lives, Jack, or you wilnever be happy.
Between the two of you, you are 100 years old, and this is not a dignified way for a 100-year-old couple to behave.
I know.
I know.
Uh, oh, leave her there.
It's nicer than where I found her.
Come on.
Happy Valentimes! You know what, friend? You got a loof nerve, calling me a fake.
You wear your thrift store T-shirts and your big weird glasses, and everybody says, "Oh, look at Frank, he's so cool.
He has a hat that says Extra Cheese.
" What does that even mean? It's pretty self-explanatory.
Admit it, you spend just as much time and energy trying to look weird as I do trying to look beautiful.
And you can act like you hate me, but if I tried to kiss you right now, you would totally do it.
'Cause you're a big phony jerk! And I just wanted to tell you that.
Okay, fine! I pooted.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Are you happy? Yeah, I'm happy, because that's the first time you've ever done something like a real person.
It's pretty cool.
I-I could do it again, but I wouldn't wanna show off.
Jenna.
I'm sorry I said I would kill you.
Thank you.
Snacks! What happened? So? Tell us? None of your beeswax.
He blew it.
Way to go, loser.
Oh, yeah? If I blew it, then how did I get her underpants? Just this last one, and then your marriage is officially dissolved.
It's almost like it never happened.
I wouldn't be surprised if that five-inch scar across my abdomen was suddenly gone.
Johnny.
Promise me you won't sell the Arby's.
No, I won't.
I'm gonna shut it down.
Leave it vacant.
Open the windows and let nature have at it.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
That's prime property on Highway 145.
Yes, there's not a thing you can do about it.
But it is irresponsible to the community.
They should sue you.
I hope they do.
Oh, I'll see to it.
I'll go right to the Telluride Chamber of Commerce.
Do it.
The case could be in court for months.
Maybe years.
Damn it, Johnny! Whoops.
Hello.
I'm sorry.
Can I help you? Hey, that's cool? Is that a French Planet of the Apes poster? - Yeah.
- Wow.
You know, I've heard that in Greece they have to change Charlton Heston's name on movie posters to Charlton Easton.
Because in Greek the word "Heston" means to poop yourself.
I'm sorry, do I know you? No, I don't think so.
Uh, you're Liz Lemon, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Uh, this is super awkward, but did you get two dozen pink roses last night? Yep, there they are.
Those are from you? Yes.
Uh, I work up in legal, and-- You're a lawyer? I prefer law stylist.
Uh, anyway, I meant to send these to my girlfriend, Liz Lemler, who works in accounting.
[softly.]
Oh.
Yeah.
There's actually supposed to be a box of chocolate-covered cherries with this, did you-- I don't know anything about that.
Fair enough.
She pouted all night because she thought I forgot to send her something.
I told her I did, but she didn't believe me.
She sounds great.
Yeah, she is.
Wellgood for you.
Here you go.
Sorry about the mix up.
N-no, no! They were delivered to you, they're yours now.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
But could I possibly get a photo? Of you with the flowers? Like with your ID? Oh, okay.
Is that all right? You know, just as proof.
All right.
There we go.
Aw, that's a cute one.
Thanks.
Sorry to bother you.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentimes!