Aaahh!!! Real Monsters (1994) s01e13 Episode Script

(bell tolling)
(thunder)
(owl hooting)
(growl,
baby cries)
(growl,
man screams)
I'm outta here!
(thunder)
(screaming)
(evil laughter)
(crowd clapping
in rhythm)
I like rice.
We're back and
we're talking to
scared, whimpering
victims of
monster sightings!
Hey, hey,
do I look scared?
Am I whimpering?
I'm a monster
hunter, okay?
I hang out in sewers and
filth and hunt monsters.
It's a dirty job,
but someone's got to do it.
I like rice.
Yeah.
So, how many
have you caught?
Well, that depends on
how you define caught--
and why do I hunt
monsters?
I'm going to
tell you why.
Because monsters pop out of
toilets, closets
and from under the beds, scaring
the wits out of people.
And turning them into--
I like rice!
Rice-loving lunatics!
So, I understand you
were scared by monsters
who came out
from under the
bed.
I wasn't scared,
and there was only one.
How about you,
Murray?
It's the former
Murray the Monster
from children's television,
ladies and gentlemen.
I saw three.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah, well, I saw four--
the elves brought them.
They think
we're all crazy.
Go ahead and laugh.
(laughs sarcastically)
Very funny.
A bunch of clowns
we have here.
I'm laughing
with ya!
But you won't be
laughing for long.
Not when I come in here
with a real monster.
Oh! Color me crazy.
Sounds like
a challenge!
Anyone willing
to take it on?
No? Well, how about
if I throw in a new car?
What are
you doing?
Yes, it's a
beautiful Venturi.
That's my car.
It's got all the
features you'd ever want
and it's already
broken in.
You can't give them
my car.
And to make sure
you always have gas money,
a check for $1 million!
That's right, folks.
You have one week
to make a cool million
just by nabbing
a real, live monster!
Uh-oh, look at
the time.
Now remember,
you have a great day
because you've
suffered enough.
(cheering and applause)
A million dollars
and my car?
Monsters, schmonsters.
Come on, these people
are lunatics.
Don't let it
get to you, kid.
They think I'm crazy, that I'm
imagining the whole thing.
They've been saying that
to me my whole life.
What do you do?
Me? I just cover
my ears.
I wasn't scared.
Of course you weren't.
I'm never scared.
I know that.
Of course, if you ever were,
it'd be okay, you know that.
I mean, we all get scared
sometimes, I mean,
especially after
seeing a monster.
Even you?
Me? No.
But then, I'm a
professional.
Not some amateur
risking his neck
for a used car
and a lousy million.
Hi-ya!
(growls,
man screams)
(growls,
monster screams)
(The Gromble)
I have just one teensy tiny
question for you,
Master Ickis.
Yes, your Gromble-ford?
How can this
possibly cause this?
Well, it's quite
simple, sir, you see--
Silence!
All right,
one more time.
But listen very,
very carefully.
You are
the monster.
You scare humans and their
cute little puppies.
They don't
scare you!
Are you sure
you are all right?
Fine, fine.
Well, you don't
look fine, fine.
Maybe that's how he
looks when he's fine, fine.
I'm not fine,
okay?
I'm miserable.
Now everybody thinks
I'm a coward.
Hey, that dog was scary.
He had sharp teeth, a big growl
and little pink bows.
Thank you, I feel
so much better now.
What Krumm is trying to say
is we all get scared sometimes.
You're just trying to
cheer me up.
I'm surprised you haven't
offered me a--
Larvae?
See?
And I still
don't feel better.
(Simon)
Tuesday, 0:1800 hours.
A night like any other:
garbage, filth, vermin.
Gosh, I love it.
But underneath,
terror.
Terror so real
you can smell it.
(inhales deeply)
(gagging)
Note to myself,
never smell terror in a dump.
But hark, what--
what's that?
I said I'd
like to be alone.
You mean, without me?
Right.
Oh.
Gotcha, gotcha,
gotcha, gotcha, gotcha!
Beat from down under!
Got you!
You're not a monster.
You haven't seen him
in the morning.
Say, aren't you
that guy from TV?
Well, yes, as a
matter of fact, I am.
Wait a minute--
what are you doing here?
Hunting monsters.
Isn't it fun?
You're hunting
what?
I've got my eye
on that Venturi.
You cannot
hunt monsters!
You're a--
a family.
Well, we're probably
not as good as you.
Oh, "probably,"
you say?
Probably not!
You don't know the first thing
about hunting monsters!
You people think you
can just waltz in here
and find some monster
hiding behind every tree.
It takes years of training,
a sharp eye and--
Look, there's a monster
behind the tree.
(man)
By George, that is a monster.
What? Where?
Good work, sweetie.
That?
(laughs)
You call that
a monster?
That's nothing but
a bunny rabbit.
Krumm, I thought
I told you--
(screams)
Krumm!
Help, help!
Yes!
You're mine.
You are
all mine.
The monster
is mine.
I'm lost
Lost forever in the
black pit of despair.
Alone, forgotten.
Without a home.,,
and I'm getting
nauseous.
Don't worry, buddy,
I almost have it.
Oblina!
(Ickis)
Good thinking!
(Krumm)
There's more to me
than just a
delightful stench.
(Simon)
Yes! Yes!
I did it!
I
did it!
I did it!
Wow, you got
a monster?
Of course
I got a monster.
Why?
Why, you may ask?
Because I'm good,
I'm good.
I'm really,
really good.
I'm better than
good, I'm bad.
(kiss)
(Ickis)
He said he was gonna save me.
Of course he's
gonna save me.
How's he gonna save me?
What if I'm unsaveable?
Is that a word?
Krumm, oh,
thank goodness.
I knew you'd come.
Don't worry, buddy,
I got it all figured out.
Yes! I did it!
I did it!
I did it.
Two monsters!
Oh, I'm bad.
Oh, I'm really bad.
Oh, I'm so bad.
I'm worse.
Look, I'm not one of
those UFO crazies
you're always putting
on the air, got it?
I'm a monster hunter.
(clanging)
Just a minute--
Who is it?
(deep voice)
Delivery.
What kind of
delivery?
Delivery.
Well, come on in,
I'll be right there.
(Simon)
Yes, that's right.
I said real
monsters.
(monster)
I said left!
(monster)
I went left!
I meant your
other left!
Will you
keep it down?
Hey, 10 monsters,
live television.
It's gonna cost
you, buddy.
No, no, the other way--
other way!
Will you excuse me
for a minute?
Ooh, the lamp.
(monster)
The lamp.
(monster)
The lamp!
Ooh
(monsters
screaming)
Whoa! I'm worse!
I'm worse
than worse!
I'm Simon,
the Terrible!
(laughs)
Move over!
No, you move over.
Will you be quiet?
I am trying to think.
What are we
going to do?
Shh, let her
think!
Let her what?
Think, think!
I don't stink.
After a careful review
of the problem
from every conceivable angle,
I have finally concluded that--
Yes, yes!
We are done for.
Then after the talk show
circuit, of course,
there's the book deal,
video games, "Simon Sings".
He's the one
who scared me!
It's okay--
he can't get out.
(phone ringing)
Wait!
(gasps)
(gasps)
You're scared
of me?
No way! You are the one
who's scared.
Am not!
Are too!
Am not!
And I wasn't scared when
you hid under my bed either.
Were too!
Were not!
You weren't scared at all?
Nope.
Not the least
little bit?
That's right.
Fine well, I gave it
everything I had.
You did?
Yeah.
Well, maybe
I was scared.
You were,
really?
A little bit.
Don't get too close
to that cage.
No way.
The scariest thing is when
your parents are out
and your babysitter's
asleep and you hear
this awful scratching
noise at the window
and you know, for sure,
it's the--
Rolling Gagantsu
with 17 heads!
Uh, yeah, sure.
Or the boogeyman!
(laughing)
He's scary too?
Want a cookie?
Oh! Oh, no, no,
no, thanks.
Um, listen, Bradley, I want you
to pretend something, okay?
Okay.
Okay, um, pretend that
you're up in a dump, right,
and you're gathering
grubs and suddenly,
a monster hunter
sneaks up behind you
and throws you in a cage and
wants to put you on TV.
I went on TV,
it was awful.
I know.
Well, if he puts us on TV, then,
well, everyone's gonna know
that we exist and then they'll
hunt us down and well, then
(Simon)
Bradley!
Give me a hand with
these cages, will ya?
Then it'll be the
end of us, Bradley.
It'll be
the end of me.
Come on,
I'm already late!
Where's
where's my monsters!
It was--
it was so weird.
This ray blasted out of
his eyes and I couldn't move!
And then all of a sudden,
this voice in my head
commanded me to open
the cages and I couldn't stop.
They're more devious
than I thought!
I should have
known that!
Why didn't I know that?
Because I'm stupid,
that's why!
I'm not bad.
I'm not terrible.
I stink!
(Bradley)
Cookie?
(people screaming)
Oh, must be another sale
over at Lunatic Willy's.
That guy's
really bonkers.
Yeah, why don't you go
home and get some rest?
I'll close up.
What a scare!
You were great,
Ickis.
I was, wasn't I?
Oh, nights like this make me
glad to be a monster.
Marvelous,
absolutely marvelous.
Bring on more humans.
Ooh, I'm not
through yet.
Wait for me.
I'm going to grab one
last look around.
Do be careful,
Ickis.
You know how the Gromble frowns
on this sort of improvising.
Right back.
(toilet flushes)
(Ickis)
Hey!
What's wrong
with him?
I have absolutely
no idea.
Perhaps he's gone
completely mad.
Whoa!
Having fun,
were you?
Oh, you will not believe
what I saw in there.
It was
incredible.
(people
screaming)
(gasp)
(monsters
laughing)
Quite a successful little
mission, my valiant vermin.
I only have one
teensy, weensy question.
What exactly
were you doing?
I-I couldn't
help it, sir.
I was swept away!
It was all
so magnificent.
I see.
Can anyone tell me
what are
the most fiendish devices
ever invented by humans?
(speaks gibberish)
She says, "soap."
Well done, Snorch.
But today I have
one more item to add,
more diabolical
than soap.
It's television.
(all murmuring)
Television?
But your Gromble-osity,
TV isn't bad.
Did you see
yourself, Ickis?
You were tapping
your toes.
Well, it wasn't like--
You were snapping
your fingers.
Okay, but I--
You were shaking
your groove thing!
He's right,
you were.
Ickis, you don't
know the danger.
What if a human had come along
and surprised you?
He would have seen his
first dancing monster?
You would have
been history!
Listen to me,
my little dust mite.
TV is mankind's most
sinister creation.
It can suck the brains
right out of your head.
(all murmuring)
Neat!
And turn you into
one of these.
A potato.
(all)
Ew!
A smooth, fresh, healthy,
good-for-you vegetable.
I don't believe it,
I don't believe it.
Not TV, not TV.
It cannot be bad,
it can't!
Stop pacing, Ickis.
You are making
me woozy.
Besides, by now, I am sure
everyone will have forgotten.
(monsters laughing)
Shall we dance?
Shall we?
I've never two monsters
with less rhythm!
We'll just see
who has the last laugh.
What are you going
to do, buddy?
I'll show them.
I'll show them all.
I'll bring them all back to that
store, that's what I'll do.
Then they will see.
I will--
You cannot be serious!
Bring the whole class
back to Crazy Jed's?
Why, that's crazy!
Crazy maybe, but I'll-I'll-I'll
find a TV, then!
That's it, I will find a TV
and I will bring it back here.
But Ickis, you heard
the Gromble.
TV is more
dangerous than soap.
What if you turn
into a potato?
Yeah? What would
we tell your parents?
There has got to a be television
in here someplace.
Humans always
throw away the good stuff.
Aha!
This one's
too small anyway.
I gotta find a big one,
like in a store.
Oh, let me see
I--
That's all you have
to say, "I"?
How are you?
What do you think?
I couldn't find one
that was big enough,
so I decided
to build one.
A television?
Ickis, dear,
you are obsessing.
Let it go.
No, no,
the television!
Forget about it!
Where are you going?
Well, I certainly
do not want to be here
when the Gromble finds
out what you are up to.
Well, don't worry
about me.
Who says I'm worried
about you?
You're leaving too?
No offense, pal,
but she's got a point.
(grunting,
struggling)
(explosion)
(coughing)
I was this close.
Ha!
Ha-ha!
(speaks gibberish)
Mr. Ickis,
the Snorch would like to know
when you will have it,
this television?
What if the Gromble's right and
we all turn into potatoes?
(speaks gibberish)
Snorch is afraid
of nothing.
Look, he's choosing
the yellow wire.
(speaks gibberish)
He likes
the color yellow.
All right.
Where's Kilowag?
I've got a bad feeling
about this.
(crackling)
Oh yeah
Yes! I told you!
What'd I tell you?
Ahh
Indeed, it is as beautiful as an
unborn larvae is a foot.
Wait, wait!
This isn't TV.
Well, at least someone
still has a brain.
(speaks gibberish)
He says the overall harmony of
the disparate parts was
in all probability due to the
pervasive use of yellow wire.
Personally, I like purple.
(speaks gibberish)
Oh, but yellow's
very nice, beautiful.
(kiss)
Look, this isn't TV.
It doesn't have dancing
or any of the other stuff.
So?
"So"? I am going back to
Crazy Jed's to figure out
what's wrong and you
are coming with me, mister.
Well, when you put it
like that, how can I say no?
It's not a
very good picture.
It's not turned on.
I like
yours better.
Maybe it's
the wires.
No, mine's got
lots of wires.
Looks tasty.
That's it,
that's it!
I don't have
that thing.
Satellite dish.
Krumm, come on,
we got work to do.
Don't you ever think of
anything else but food?
Beverages?
(hiccups)
(door opening)
(hiccupping)
This video camera's
giving me heartburn.
I can still
taste the knobs.
(chuckles)
Hey, this looks
pretty good.
Yes!
What?
(screaming)
It's perfect.
(monster)
Oh no, Gabby's gone!
Thelma's gone too.
Poor thing, such a short
and sweet life.
You named them?
But of course, how else
could we tell them apart?
Look, Snorch!
Thelma's back!
Oh, quel joy!
(laughs)
It's happened
so quickly.
Look, their brains
have turned to skankem.
Okay, this time
I got it.
Whew!
Thelma, Gabby,
Arlo
You have destroyed them all,
and for what?
And don't forget those
ever-popular root veggies--
beets, turnip, carrots--
Hey, I want
my TV!
I don't understand it!
Where's the
singing and dancing?
(speaks gibberish)
What's he saying?
He says you will
bring back Thelma
or he will make
you potato.
Wow!
Come on, buds,
let's rage!
(cheering
and laughing)
(screaming)
Et tu, Snorche?
We heard about this device and
came to disarm it when--
Enough!
(gulp, static)
So, you just couldn't leave
well enough alone, could you?
You had to experience
this for yourselves.
(hiccup)
Ickis, do you realize
it took one single day
to turn your classmates
into brainless fools?
(hiccup)
Um, I wouldn't go so far
as to say fools, sir.
Dimwits, maybe.
Well, I won't
tolerate it anymore!
Do you hear me?
I won't have it.
It's disruptive,
it's corrosive
and it's, it's
it's me.
Now that's
entertainment.
Ooh
Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.