All In The Family s01e13 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ Mike, Gloria arguing .]
All right, all right, all of youse.
Dummy up, huh ? 'Cause here it is.
Quote-- "and the lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, "and he slept.
"And he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh instead thereof.
"And the rib, which the lord God had taken from man, made he a woman and brought her unto the man.
" [ Barking .]
Mmm ! Ah, cut that out, eh ! That ain't all he brought her unto the man for.
"And Adam said, 'this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.
She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.
'" now, there it is in black and white.
We didn't crawl out from under no rocks.
We didn't have no tails, and we didn't come from monkeys, you atheistic, pinko meathead.
Archie, that's a fairy tale.
The whole idea of taking a rib out of Adam and making a woman, it's mandrake the magician time.
Do you hear that ? He's comparing the lord God to mandrake the magician.
Can you believe it ? No.
God is much better known.
Well, youse two may have come from monkeys and "bamboons," but not me.
The lord God created me in his image.
You mean God looks like you ? I ain't saying you couldn't tell the two of us apart.
Just saying he made us like him.
Like, for instance, with four fingers and a thumb on each hand.
He saw that one hand wasn't gonna be enough, so he give us two of them.
And then he put the hands here On the end of the arms Because he knew that's where they'd be handy.
That's why they're called hands, I suppose.
Will you stifle yourself ! God don't want to be defended by no dingbat.
Look, Archie, you're misunderstanding us.
We don't have anything against God or the notion of God.
I-it's what people do in his name that we don't like.
People hate in his name, people kill in his name.
That's right, daddy.
Look at Vietnam.
We're there with his blessings, because God is on our side.
Well ? [ Chuckling .]
You ain't gonna tell me he's on the side of them godless gooks.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Why not ? God created them gooks, too, didn't he ? I don't wanna talk to you no more.
Hi.
Hi, Mrs.
bunker.
Hi, everybody.
[ Mike .]
Hi, Lionel.
We're just finishing Saturday brunch.
Would you like to have something ? Yeah, go on over there, and you can take my chair, Lionel.
Just sit down next to the gook lovers, huh ? I gotta go up and take a shave.
Come on, Lionel.
No, thanks.
I've already eaten, Mrs.
bunker.
I just stopped by to find out if tonight is still on.
Tonight ? What's happening tonight, mom ? Uh I met Lionel's mother in the supermarket yesterday.
Well, you tell 'em, Lionel.
My mom invited your mother and father over for dinner tonight.
Really ? That's wonderful ! You're kidding.
- And you accepted, ma ? - Yeah.
Oh, that's great ! So they'll expect you about 7:00 ? Uh-- uh-huh.
Okay.
They're really looking forward to it.
I'll see you.
Lionel, I think it's really super our folks are getting together for dinner.
I couldn't believe it myself till I heard it with my own ears.
Are you gonna be there ? No.
But I'd sure like to tape the whole thing for my class in interracial communications.
I'll see you.
Yeah, Lionel.
Bye-bye.
Hey, ma, that's wonderful.
Daddy actually accepted to have dinner with the jeffersons ? It's amazing.
I never thought that would ever happen.
[ Gloria .]
That's really great ! You have discussed this with daddy, haven't you ? How does this sound ? Hello, Mrs.
Jefferson.
About dinner tonight, my husband's Uncle just died.
Mother ! His aunt just died ? You can't say that.
His aunt's in a coma.
Mother, stop.
You didn't tell daddy about this, did you ? I was too scared to.
Then I started to, and then he started telling me About having tickets for the mets game tonight.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Then I got scared again.
Gloria, what am I gonna do ? Go to dinner, ma, and make daddy go with you.
But how ? You know your father.
He ain't unclenched his teeth since the day they moved in.
Ma, I mean, knowing Archie, how'd you happen to accept in the first place ? Oh, I don't know.
Mrs.
Jefferson and me was havin' a nice talk In the supermarket.
And she asked me.
You know me.
I can't say no to nobody.
You can no to me all right.
See ? The nicest woman in the world.
She can't refuse nothin' to nobody.
But when her husband asks her, begs her not to use his razor, does she listen to him ? No.
Why don't you just go out and buy a gun, huh ? I'll shoot myself.
It'd be a lot less messy.
I cut myself four times in the last three seconds up there.
There's pieces of my face down the drain on the way to the ocean.
One of these days I'm gonna "de-head" myself.
Edith, for the last time, will you please not use my razor ? Daddy, I'm glad you're shaving close Because you and ma have been invited to dinner tonight.
Dinner ? I'm going to the mets game tonight.
Mike's going with me.
- I was.
- Huh ? If you're not going, I can't go with you.
On the other hand, I can still go, so I'll go with Gloria.
What are you talking about ? These people asked us to dinner, Archie.
And I said yes.
That was before I knew you had tickets for the mets.
Now that you know I got tickets, you can call "these people" and cancel.
She can't do that, daddy.
These people, they wouldn't understand.
"These people" ? Who are these people ? Tell him, ma.
Oh, that's all right.
You tell him, dear.
I don't mind.
[ Archie .]
Come on ! Somebody better tell me.
Who the hell are they ? It's the jeffersons, Archie.
Who are the jeffersons ? Oh, wait a minute.
Hold it.
You don't mean them new people that moved in down the block.
Yeah, Lionel's family.
They're really very nice people.
Oh, yeah, very nice.
They're wonderful people.
They're lovely people.
But they are also colored people.
- Better hold it there, daddy.
- Now, listen, little girl.
Been around a lot of places, done a lot of things, but there's one thing Archie bunker ain't never gonna do-- break bread with jungle bunnies.
What did you-- daddy, you stop that.
You're talking about Lionel's family.
That's right, Archie.
They invited you to dinner.
- They didn't throw a brick through your window.
- I'd sooner have the brick.
These colored people are always trying to use the social situation To raise their station.
That's right.
And using you is gonna launch them right into cafe society.
Listen, wise guy.
If you wasn't so prejudiced, you'd know very well what everybody else knows, that them people is inferior to us people.
Daddy, how can a man who believes in God talk like that ? Because I'm using the common sense that God gave me.
Common sense ? Archie, that's out-and-out hate.
Hate ? What has any of this got to do with hate, you dumb polack ? I am simply defending my God-given right as a free American Not to sit down to eat with my unequals.
Aah ! What's the use ? Edith, get on that telephone and cancel this thing with the jeffersons.
Archie, I can't.
That would hurt their feelings.
Their feelings ? What about my feelings ? Edith, Jim mcnab and me are circulating a petition through this neighborhood Not to sell no more houses to no more coloreds.
And here you have me sitting down to eat With the first colored family that "infilterated" the block.
I mean, Edith, I'm "mortifried.
" Well, maybe if we just don't stay too long after dinner.
No, Edith, get on that telephone ! Now, wait a second.
Why don't you do your own dirty work ? All right, big mouth.
I will.
You know the number.
Get them on the wire.
Archie, no.
No, please don't.
I ain't gonna hurt nobody's feelings.
Sit down, sit down.
Yep, there it is.
It's ringing.
Hello.
Is that Mrs.
Jefferson ? Uh, yeah, well, this is Mr.
bunker here.
Yeah, yeah, I know about that, but, uh, we ain't gonna be able to make it because my wife twisted her ankle very bad.
Say nothin'.
Now, don't say nothin'.
- Oh, boy.
- Shh, you ! Hello ? Yes.
Yes.
Well, uh, she twisted it real bad, and the doctor says that she can't leave the house.
Hold on.
The doctor's leaving now.
Uh, so long there, doc.
Yeah, I promise I won't let her leave the house.
Don't forget to send a bill.
Bye-bye.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, uh, it's just one of them last-minute sprains That's goin' around.
All right.
I will.
Yeah, I will.
I will.
Yep.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Bye.
Well, there it is.
No fuss, no muss.
Oh, Archie, that was terrible ! Telling her a story like that.
Boy, you are some liar.
You know, you oughta be in the defense department.
Daddy, you're so prejudiced.
You haven't even met Mr.
Jefferson yet.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Fine.
And that's just the way I want to keep it.
Oh, Lionel.
Yeah, Mr.
bunker.
When I heard about Mrs.
bunker's ankle, I rushed right over.
Well, she's in here resting.
Edith.
The doctor said you're supposed to stay off your feet, dear.
Sit down.
See what I mean, Lionel ? Yeah, I see.
That's a shame.
It's too bad this had to happen the first time you were coming to dinner.
Lionel, as they say, "que 'seray seray,'" you know.
And we was both lookin' forward towards it too, wasn't we, Edith ? I certainly was.
But, say, Mr.
bunker, are you sure there isn't somethin' else that's causing you to cancel tonight ? No.
You can be straight with me.
Because, frankly, we're having problems with my old man.
What's the matter with him ? Well, he's kind of old-fashioned, you know.
Says he just doesn't wanna sit down with whitey.
Is that so ? Oh, he'll get over it.
I just wanna make sure you didn't cancel because my folks are black.
No, Lionel, we're perfectly willing to come over And pick a few ribs with your family any time.
It's just that Edith's ankle the way it is, we can't make it.
I sure am happy to hear that, Mr.
bunker.
But, say, you won't be able to cook tonight, will you ? No, no, she's gotta stay off her feet.
Since mom's already fixed dinner anyway, and you do wanna meet my folks ? - Sorry to miss that.
- Then mom will be happy to bring the dinner over here.
That ain't gonna be enough light, Edith.
You ain't gonna be able to see your guests unless they smile at you.
Well, we're going now.
Wait a minute ! What's this ? What the hell have you got on here ? Hot pants, daddy.
Don't you like 'em ? I like 'em.
I think they're sexy.
Nobody's talking to you.
You got a case of the permanent hots anyhow.
You remind me of Fanny tuhane in them things.
Fanny tuhane ? Who's that ? She's a girl I used to know when we was kids.
She'd show you her bloomers for a bite of your jelly apple.
We're going to the ball game.
On my tickets too.
I'm never gonna forgive your mother for making me miss the mets like this.
[ Doorbell rings .]
There they are.
No, no, no, don't open it now.
Your mother's ankle ain't bandaged yet.
Hey, Edith ! Get your ankle in here, will ya ? What do you got there ? Well, I figured out it should be a hot compress.
Cold is for headaches, so hot is for sprains.
Let me be the doctor.
You got enough to handle being a dingbat.
Here, Gloria.
Get this outta here.
Just sit down, will ya ? Put that thing on your ankle.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Here they are.
All right ! I'm coming ! Gee, them colored people love to play with bells.
Hurry up now, huh ? Come on ! All right, go on.
Let 'em in.
Oh, hi, Mr.
mcnab.
Hi, Gloria.
Hi, Edith.
Good night ! Hiya, mcnab.
What are you doing here ? I got the pledge, Archie.
Had my daughter type it up for me.
Jimmy, I ain't got time for that now.
You was the one who was pushing to get this thing signed.
Can't we talk about it tomorrow, huh ? Would you just read this, so I'm sure I got it down the way you told me to ? I got so much to do around here.
Let me look at it.
"Petition.
Whereas we already got one house full of coloreds in the neighborhood, we the undersigned--" et cetera.
That's fine.
[ Doorbell rings .]
It's them.
I'll get it.
Edith, down.
It's who ? Some people that's dropping over.
Would you mind going out the back door ? Are they from the neighborhood ? They can sign it too.
Don't bother about that ! I'll talk to you tomorrow.
[ Doorbell rings .]
All right, I'm coming ! Gee, they love them bells.
Go on, Jimmy.
Go on.
Can't believe-- jeez.
This is your fault.
[ Bell rings .]
I'll go.
Edith, down.
Good evening, Mr.
bunker.
I don't believe you've ever met George.
Oh, no.
Come on in.
I'll just put these in the kitchen.
Yeah.
No ! Let me put them in the kitchen.
You sit down.
Just stay out here and say hello or something.
Mrs.
bunker, how's your ankle ? Oh, not bad If I stay off it and drink lots of liquids.
Mcnab, this thing ain't what it seems to be here.
It ain't, huh ? That's either the jeffersons Or the worst case of sun poisoning in history.
[ Edith .]
Archie, bring in the crackers and cheese ! All right ! Give me a minute here, Edith, huh ? Come on, will you, Jimmy ? Come on.
I'll talk to you about this whole thing tomorrow when we're alone.
What are you, bunker, some kind of a double agent ? I'm comin'.
Well, here we are.
I invited Mr.
Jefferson to sit in your chair, Archie.
It's so comfortable for a man, and I knew you wouldn't mind.
No, make yourselves at home.
Uh, do any of youse want a drink ? No, thank you.
Not anything for me.
Whatever you got.
Yeah, all right.
This is interesting, Louise.
"Whereas we already got one house full of coloreds in the neighborhood--" don't bother with that.
Just drink your drink and good luck to you.
Just some hunk of junk that somebody just slipped under the door.
I hate these handbills.
Why do you let them come into the house ? Who knows who brings them around ? Possibly the people on the un-welcome wagon.
Well, now, here's a toast.
To good neighbors.
They come in all colors.
White, off-white, lily-white.
I think I'll heat up the dinner now.
I'll help you.
Edith, stay.
Do-Dee-do-do do-do uh-- [ grunts .]
The tv's on the Fritz.
I sure wish we could watch it tonight.
Something special ? Anything.
You two just go right on talkin'.
I'll catch up on my readin'.
I see you're interested in our space program.
Yeah, that's a genuine facsimile there of the Apollo 14 insignia.
That's the thing that separates the U.
S.
of a From the red chinks and all them other losers.
You don't think we've got anything more important to do with $20 billion Than to send a guy up on the moon to hit a few golf balls ? What's more important than that ? How 'bout spending the money on earth to fight poverty, create a few jobs ? Oh, you sound just like my son-in-law now.
Your son-in-law's black ? No ! Nah, he's only a polack.
But, you know, he's filled with a lot of them radical, liberal ideas, which, I'm sorry to say, so is a lot of your black people.
We was arguin' over the Bible here this mornin', and, uh, my son-in-law's an atheist.
- You ain't one of them ? - No, I believe in God.
Well, now that's nice.
That's interesting, too, the way you people work yourself up From the snakes and the beads and the wooden idols Right up to our God.
What do you mean, your God ? Well, I mean, uh, you know, God is white, ain't he ? What makes you think God isn't black ? Well, because I was made in God's image, and you'll note that I ain't black.
Well, don't complain to me about it.
[ Chortling .]
I ain't complainin' about nothin'.
All the pictures you ever see of God, he's white.
Take that dago artist who painted God on the ceiling over in Rome.
You remember that ? You mean that white dago artist that painted it.
But every picture I ever seen of God, he's white.
Well, maybe you were looking at the negative.
Let's try to talk intelligent, huh ? If God was black, as you say, then his son would also have to be black.
You ain't gonna tell me that Jesus is black.
Well, now you're catching on.
They already proved that Jesus was an Ethiopian.
Wait a minute now.
You say he's an Ethiopian.
A presbyterian says a presbyterian.
But whatever he was, he was never black.
If God wasn't black, how come he built us so much better than you ? Are you kiddin' ? Look at the way it is, man.
Take us out of football, take us out of basketball, take us out of the Olympics, and what do you got ? I can't even think about it.
It's pathetic.
Well, let me ask you something.
How come all the astronauts are white ? Because they're picked by lily-white Americans like you Who only pick other lily-white Americans.
So what ? So nothing ! Keep your white astronauts.
Like I already proved to you, we've got God, who is black.
Well, the only answer to that is-- [ blows raspberry .]
Louise, we're going ! There's the door ! Please don't go.
Archie ! [ Blows raspberry .]
Oh ! Henry, what's going on here ? Your ankle all of a sudden got better, huh ? I'm sorry we had to lie to you.
My ankle wasn't really sprained.
It was just an excuse to try to get out of having dinner with you.
Edith, I have a confession to make to you.
This isn't my husband.
It isn't ? That's not your husband ? No, George didn't want to have dinner with you either.
When I couldn't change his mind, I didn't know what to do.
I was so embarrassed that I asked my brother-in-law Henry to come with me.
Your brother-in-law Henry ? Oh, what a lie.
This is what it comes to.
I agree to do this thing, Edith, and their real guy doesn't come over.
He don't want to sit down with whitey.
He stays home.
No, no, George didn't stay at home.
- Well, where's George ? - He's at shea stadium watching the mets.
All right, all right.
You had a big fight, and then what happened ? Then the women got the men to make peace.
How'd you do that ? We put the dinner on the table, and we all sat down.
What'd you eat, Archie ? Hog jowls and fatback ? I don't know what I ate.
He don't know what he ate, but he had three helpings of it.
Will you stifle yourself.
- Was it soul food, ma ? - No, it wasn't fish.
It was, uh, chicken tetrazzini and broccoli And egg salad and avocado salad.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape Before a live audience.