American Housewife (2016) s01e13 Episode Script

1 Come on, get in the car Family breakfast.
Mom, I have to practice my squat jumps for volleyball.
Your what? Oh, good Lord.
If I did that, Anna-Kat wouldn't wouldn't be the only one peeing in the yard.
Get in the car.
Oh, and we have to stop by Office Depot.
I need to make some posters for the school's recycling drive - chairman.
- You can start by recycling that stupid blue bag from The New York Times that you leave next to the toilet every day.
- Do I have to go? - Yes! I want a fun family outing.
Now get in the car.
- [Lock clicks.]
- Mom, we talked about the sweat pants Westporters get dressed to go out in public.
We're not Westporters.
We are renters who live in Westport.
It is a small distinction, but I cling to it.
[Sternly.]
Now, get in the car.
Mama, I found this on the windshield.
A "concerned" neighbor thinks we should get the dent in our minivan fixed.
It's sullying the neighborhood.
And look at that unsigned.
There's something very wrong with this place.
Coward! Anna-Kat, the weird-versus-cute ratio is getting way out of whack.
Don't talk to your sister like that.
She's always embarrassing me.
You should see how she walks down the hall at school.
Hey, isn't that your sister? Yeah.
She's feral.
We found her in the woods.
I don't care if she's setting the teachers' lounge on fire.
You're her brother, and you need to have her back.
Katie: And just in case I actually do care if you set the teachers' lounge on fire.
- Mnh-mnh! - No cellphones.
I have rights.
[Scoffs.]
Isn't that cute? No, you don't.
Whoever told you that is not helping you.
I am in charge, and we are going to have a low-tech family breakfast like we used to do back home.
Westport is our home.
We're not visiting.
You know, I saw on Facebook that everyone from our old cul-de-sac got together for the annual kickball game.
Carl made that punch in a trash can that he always brings.
What's that stuff called? - Trash Can Punch.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
They didn't even think to invite us.
Because we don't live there anymore.
We still kind of live there.
In no way, shape, or form do we live there.
That's why I said "kind of.
" I'm bored.
Okay, let's play a family game.
I Spy.
Who wants to go first? I'd love to go first.
Oh! I spy Alice coming in, and I spy you in sweat pants, so I spy me going over to her.
It's "I spy with my little eye"! Oh! I spy with my little eye the girls from the volleyball team.
I Spy is really bringing this family together.
Why don't they want to eat with us? You should be happy they're making friends.
Yeah, Westport friends.
Look at them They're probably talking about their Christmas vacation in Turks and Caicos.
I am angry that I even know what Turks and Caicos is now.
And look at Taylor and her friends They are splitting a muffin four ways.
Why? Because this town muffin shames women, and it starts early.
I just wanted to do something as a family, and this town is getting in our way.
Can I have some cream? Soy, almond, cashew, or lactose-free? Mnh-mnh.
Half-and-half.
Half almond, half soy? No.
Half milk, half fatter milk.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We stopped carrying cream.
Nobody wants it, because it's very unhealthy for you.
No This was not the day to say that.
I want cream and other normal stuff.
I object to gluten-free pancakes, turkey bacon, and almond soy milk! I want real milk.
Why can't any of you in this town be normal and regular? And why can't any of you drink cocktails out of a trash can like the rest of America?! Huh?! This might be why they don't want to eat with us.
Well, that about wraps up the popular phase of our childhood.
The cream was my last straw.
Now I get why Fat Pam moved away.
I wonder what her last straw was.
Maybe she got her arm stuck in one of those tiny blouses that they sell on Main Street and couldn't get it out.
Then the seam split, she had to roll it up in a ball, hide it in her pants, and then throw it out in the ladies' room.
I'm worried about how specific that example was.
No bright-siding it We just don't fit in, and I haven't liked it since the minute we got here.
I love it! I have such a good feeling about this! Hello! Hi! I'm Katie.
- Ah, nice to meet you.
- This is my husband, Greg.
- Hello.
- Hello.
And this is Taylor and Oliver.
Hi.
You play volleyball? - Yes.
- Westport Unified has a great team.
Oh, good to know.
I played when I went there State champions, 1956.
Yeah, but do you have a Quidditch team? Oliver's going through a very intense Harry Potter phase.
We still like him, but it's been a struggle.
Come on in.
I'll show you the place.
You two go wait in the car.
To Platform 9 3/4! [Exhales sharply.]
That Lemony Snicket phase is looking pretty good right about now.
- They can come in.
- Oh, no.
Our youngest daughter Anna-Kat is in the car.
She is afraid of strangers, lawns, and germs.
We're actually moving to Westport to help her so hopefully she'll be rolling around your lawn covered with germs with a stranger.
Okay! [Laughing.]
Well, come on in.
So, that's it.
[Exhales sharply.]
It's really nice, but I don't know.
It's a little out of our price range.
Maybe we should look at other towns.
- You see like down-to-Earth people.
- We are.
We're very respectful of the laws of gravity.
He makes jokes like that.
I like you two.
If you're interested, I'll figure out a way to make it work.
[Car horn honks in distance.]
- Well, thank - [Horn honks.]
- Thank you very - [Honking continues.]
Well, that's our Anna-Kat.
She also doesn't like confined spaces or cars.
But bright side She hates Harry Potter.
Mm-hmm.
What'd you think? I'm not sure.
Do we belong in a fancy town like this? Well, hello.
I'm Pam.
I live across the street.
- [Car horn honks.]
- Katie.
I'm Greg.
I'm gonna go deal with that.
Are you thinking of moving in? - Maybe.
- Oh, well, you just have to.
Well, I don't know much about the town.
Oh, the people of Westport are so warm and welcoming.
You have to rent it.
I just can't let you go! [Laughs.]
Pam: Could I do such a thing? Could I trick this lady into moving here so there'd be another fat housewife in Westport? Fudge? You are so sweet.
Apparently, I could.
I think I'm gonna love it here.
Katie: She tricked me.
Damn you, Fat Pam.
[Engine shuts off.]
What the hell? Oh, my God.
They're selling our lawn.
Greg: You have no right to sell our house out from under us.
Yes, I know it's not our house, and you have every right to do it, so I was wrong about that.
But surely have some sense of moral obligation? Okay, so I was wrong about that, too.
To be fair, you don't own the house, your mother does, so I would like to have her contact information.
No, I am not going to do that to myself.
Wow.
Don just went premium cable at the end there.
Why don't we just buy the house? I'll give you several million reasons why we can't do that.
We can rent.
There's a place on Bayberry Lane for $17,000 a month.
I'll give you 15,000 reasons why we can't do that.
What do we do? Move to a normal town with normal people with restaurants that have normal coffee additives.
- We can't leave Westport! - We're all happy here.
Not all of us.
This is a sign that we should move.
And there is a literal sign in our front yard telling us that we have to move.
So it's a sign and a sign.
I won't accept that.
You know what? We don't need Don to tell us where his mother is.
We can look up Linda Smith online and convince her to change her mind.
Linda Smith.
I'll give you 14,753 reasons why that won't work.
Right.
I know Taylor and Oliver would be mad if we moved to a town like this, but they were mad the first time that we moved, and they got over it.
Well, what about Anna-Kat? She's taken a bit of a step back lately.
Dr.
Ellie says it's all part of the process, but I don't know.
Maybe a fresh start someplace new is exactly what she needs.
- Do you have any soy milk? - No.
- Cashew milk? - No.
- Lactose-free? - No.
Rice milk? Any other questions? No.
You've answered them all correctly.
This table is sticky.
I'm supposed to bus my own table? I am a U.
S.
citizen.
Look at him He doesn't care.
None of these people care here.
They're not worried what they're wearing or how many calories are in egg whites or if they brushed their teeth this morning.
Did you not brush your teeth this morning? Not sure.
A town like this is where I belong, - not Westport.
- Katie, you can't move.
Think about us Without you, we're just two wealthy minorities sitting on the same side of a table.
[Chuckling.]
Aren't you gonna miss this? I mean, Westport is beautiful.
I know, but nothing in there fits me, - a candle in there costs $300 - [Laughs.]
and there's a restaurant that will serve you an entire three-course meal inside a mason jar.
Still, you can't move.
Move? You can't move.
If you move, that'll make me the second-fattest housewife in Westport.
What's this? Sit.
This is an intervention.
So, I want to review the rules We can say anything we want to say to Mom without repercussions? - Yes.
- Okay.
I'll go first.
Mom, your wanting to move makes me feel She just walked away.
Huh.
I did not account for that.
You know, I promised the kids you'd listen to what they had to say.
- Yeah, I got that - [Drawer closes.]
but no thank you.
What's going on, honey? Oliver has his first girlfriend, Taylor is the captain of the volleyball team, and Anna-Kat is finally making friends, I'm Chairman of the I do not want to hear about the Recycling Committee.
It's not a hard position to acquire.
Sounds like the First Lady of Recycling needs an attitude adjustment.
The kids don't want to move.
You would have heard that if you had stayed for the intervention.
I am not going to be lectured by my children.
They destroyed my body and my career and almost all my furniture.
But you're the one who was always pushing for family breakfasts and family outings and I am done being judged by all the supermodel mommies when I drop the kids off without a full face of makeup.
I am done with them telling me that my car is dented and that I have to wear a bra in the grocery store.
I'm done with this place, Greg.
And seeing that sign go up in our yard just made it all clear to me.
You know, I let you be captain of this ship most of the time, because you enjoy it, and you're better at picking TV shows than I am.
But just so that we're on the same page, everything you just listed They're all about you.
Nothing about how the kids feel about this place or how I feel, but I guess that's all that matters How you feel.
Mom, your wanting to move makes me feel - [Door opens.]
- [Door closes.]
- [Grunts.]
- What is she doing? [Grunts.]
Mom, what is going on? I may not belong here, but the rest of you do, and that's what counts.
Let's do this.
- [Grunts.]
- Yeah! - Yeah! - [Laughter.]
You realize the house is still for sale, right? [Sighs.]
I ruined the moment.
Here you go.
Okay shut the curtains and lock the doors.
They can't buy what they can't see.
- [Lock jostles.]
- Todd: Hello? Anyone home? My key doesn't work.
We changed the locks.
Go away.
This house is not for sale.
It is.
That sign with my name on it says so.
Just open up.
This tray of cookies is getting heavy.
Hey! We're not going anywhere.
Yeah! [Bleep.]
you, Todd! Too much? You know, people don't really need to see the inside.
Whoever buys this house is just gonna tear it down.
Then we're going down with it, like Benjamin Guggenheim in the Titanic.
Good reference, baby.
This is a very bad situation, but a very good cookie.
The real-estate agent is right.
Whoever buys this house is just gonna tear it down.
I wonder if the landlord thought of that.
Don, what can we do to make you reconsider? That's easy Outbid the cash offer that's already come in.
Or you could take a look at this.
Is it a pile of cash? You can't put a price tag on these.
It's a box of your old stuff.
We found it in the basement.
I haven't seen this baseball glove in 30 years.
- Takes you back, doesn't it? - Yeah.
You probably have a lot of memories in this house.
Sure do.
Just so you know, when someone buys this place, they're gonna tear it down.
Flatten it like it was never there.
And all those childhood memories - All those precious childhood memories.
- they'll go down with it.
In a cloud of dust scattered across the fruited plains.
[Sniffs.]
Linda: I'm sick of it You bought your mistress an apartment.
Why don't you move in with her? Get out of my life! Mr.
Smith: You're drunk again! You're always drunk! [Sobs.]
Yeah, lots of memories all bad.
I hope they level this place.
You look like you're gonna cry.
Use this.
We are not going to give up.
We're going to call every Linda Smith in the tri-state area until we find your mom.
She went back to her maiden name when my dad died.
You'll never find her.
Aww That's where my cat Helen had her last diabetic seizure.
He's already getting offers.
We're out of time.
I'm afraid it's over.
No, it's not.
We just have to find the woman who owns the house.
Who's gonna get her up to speed? Not it.
Group photos of all the championship teams are on the trophy case with the players' names written underneath.
Mrs.
Smith was on the 1956 championship team.
The photo would have her maiden name.
You are a genius.
Right? [Laughs.]
- Okay.
Spell "genius.
" - Um Honey, walk away.
Leave a winner.
Problem The school's locked and Don's gonna try to sell this place as fast as he can.
Monday's gonna be too late.
Unless a member of the family were an elected committee official entrusted with a key to the school.
Oh, my God, something good has finally come from volunteering.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
The trophy case is at the end of the hall.
[Music stops.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa motion sensors to the alarm.
- This isn't gonna work.
- How are we gonna get past them? - We're not.
- We should just go for it.
We can't just go for it.
I'm Chairman of the Recycling Committee.
If we get caught, that could all go away.
Are the motion sensors those little red lights - that flash when people walk by? - Yeah.
I can get past those without them blinking.
- I do it every day.
- Ohh.
So that's why you walk down the hall like that.
Uh-huh.
It's bad luck to make them blink.
Follow me.
[Music resumes.]
[Music continues.]
[Music stops.]
I just realized we didn't all have to do this.
I don't care.
We're having a fun family outing.
Now, let's find Don's mom.
Okay.
Hmm I think that's her Linda Tepper.
- Linda Tepper.
Good.
- [Gasps.]
I'm gonna throw you all for a loop here Good job, Taylor.
Good job, Anna-Kat.
All right.
Let's go.
[Music resumes.]
There's no way I'm doing that again.
[Music stops, alarms wailing.]
Babe, I'll be stripped of my position! You're the only idiot who wants that job.
[Grunts.]
- Ms.
Tepper? - Yes? Katie and Greg Otto We rent your house in Westport.
Of course! Look at you.
- [Chuckles.]
- You stayed the same.
- Mm.
- Every woman who moves to Westport starves herself to fit in.
I was afraid you might, too.
Nope.
I'd like to say I tried, but I didn't.
We'd love to talk to you about selling the house.
Don told me you were moving.
Well, that's true, but only because he's kicking us out.
That kid 50 years old, and he is still giving me headaches.
It never ends.
Please don't tell me that.
I thought you couldn't take it anymore and wanted to move on, just like I did.
I have my days, believe me.
I get it.
I grew up there.
Then all these stuck-up people moved in, the town started changing.
The last straw for me was when Garrity's Liquor store was turned into a juice bar.
- Bastards.
- Juice.
What is it with Westport and the juice? - She really doesn't like juice.
- Mnh-mnh.
So I quit I quit Westport.
And when I met you, I thought you are just what that place needs, that you would give them all a much-needed kick in the ass.
She didn't let you down.
She kicks so much ass, she doesn't have time to take names.
[Chuckles.]
He still makes jokes like that.
You and your family can live there as long as you like for the same rent, as long as you keep giving them hell.
Deal.
And if we could put that whole "Rent forever" thing in writing, I'd feel a lot more comfortable.
So, we are staying put for good.
Oh-hoo-hoo! I am so happy.
Doris and I practiced having breakfast without you.
- It was bad.
- So bad.
- [Chuckles.]
- I had to sit across from her and watch her miss her mouth with her straw over and over and over.
All this is a lot of negative energy for one person to absorb.
We need you.
Just give it to me straight What is the least-weird milk product you've got? - Here's some cream.
- But I thought We started carrying it again just for you.
Really? You guys did that just for me? Do you even know my name? Angry lady, extra bacon? Close enough.
[Chuckles.]
- [R.
E.
M.
's "Shiny Happy People" plays.]
- The truth is, I had no idea what I was getting into when we moved to this town.
But now, well, now I know.
Westport is the land of hot moms and coddled kids, golden doodles and avocado toast, alkaline water and coffee colonics.
It's everything I can't stand.
But for better or worse it's our home.