Animaniacs (2020) s01e13 Episode Script


[THEME SONG PLAYING]
It's time for Animaniacs! ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
Parents will complain-y ♪
Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
[WARNERS LAUGHING]
ACTOR: Ah!
[PRIMAL SCREAMING]
[TIRE SCREECH]
WAKKO:
"Office of Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff.
Yes. Still practicing."
Wow. He's still practicing?
Well, he'll figure out
how to do it eventually.
[BANG]
- Dr. Scratchansniff!
Oh, we haven't seen you all season!
[RUMBLING]
- Oh
Ew, he doesn't look so good.
He also looks sick.
[RUMBLING]
- Oh
- Maybe he is sick.
- Here, let us take a look at you.
Hello, nurse. Hello, nurse.
BOTH: Hello, doctor!
Forceps?
WAKKO: Check.
Scalpel? Check?
YAKKO: Check.
Check.
Healthcare, American style.
[RUMBLING]
- Oh!
[GURGLE]
I think he's legitimately ill.
I am!
I have eine terrible food poisoning!
Meine sauerkraut
She was too sour.
[GAGS]
[FUNERAL BELL DONGS]
So, you're saying you're not
gonna eat the rest of that?
Guess you're the sour one
now, huh, Scratchy?
Ha ha, a funny comedy joke.
That was definitely
worth the 20 year wait.
[STOMACH RUMBLES]
Now, leave me to sulk in peace!
Aww, this isn't any fun
if he doesn't fight back.
Like the end of Rocky V.
I just feel sad and empty.
- Like the end of Rocky V!
- What if we help him?
- Wha?!
- Help Scratchansniff?
Come on, sibs. New reboot, new us!
Besides, we want the old
Scratchy back, don't we?
Who's with me?
Say, Doc,
anything we can get you?
[SNIFFLE]
Well, there is one thing
that would make me feel better
No, never mind.
- Tell us!
- Please!
We live to serve.
Okay. I want a can of
Hindenburg Cola.
Say what now, Gas'n'sniff?
Hindenburg Cola.
Just one more time for me there,
Scratch'n'stinky.
Hindenburg Cola.
Ja. It's a German soda.
A marvel of engineering prowess.
All its flavors in perfect balance, unt
these teensy weensy bubbles.
Zey will cure mein bloated
belly in nein time flat.
Easy! We just need
a vending machine and one dollar.
[CHUCKLES]
Has anybody got either of those things?
Well, I've got the vending machine,
but who carries cash in this economy?
Vending machine? Oh no, no, no, no.
Zis is the rarest of
sodas in all the world.
There is only one shop which sells it
in a place far, far away.
Mom und Pop's One Stop Top Pop Shop.
Mom and Pop's One Stop Top Pop Shop?
Ja. Mom und Pop's One Stop Top Pop Shop.
You will never find it.
[PHONE BEEPS]
YAKKO: Got it!
Mom and Pop's One Stop Top Pop Shop.
Come on, sibs. We got a montage to catch!
We'll save you, Scratchyyyyyyyy!
Ooh.
[SNIFFLES]
I should have joined Doctors
Without Borders with Hello Nurse.
[SIGHS]
[BUS RUMBLING, HISSING]
[♪♪♪]
[WIND BLOWING]
[PLANE RUMBLING]
[THUNDER CRACKS]
There it is!
[ANGELIC MUSIC]
[RINGING]
- Hey!
- Ah!
Welcome to Mom and Pop's
One Stop Top Pop Shop.
I'm Mom. May I help you?
Do you have any Hindenburg Cola?
Uh, uh instant granola?
Oh, you must be looking for
Mom and Pop's Oat Crop Hippie Shop.
I can give you directions.
No, no, no. Hindenburg Cola.
Lindenberg Victrola?
No, you want
Mom and Pop's Lindy Hop Record Shop.
They're just off the 405.
[DOT GROWLING]
Hindenburg! Cola!
Oh! Hindenburg Cola!
Yes. One can left.
Right down the back.
[DRAMATIC STING]
[SHATTER]
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCHWARZENEGGER-LIKE GRUNT]
It's it's you!
From the Greek games!
Ja, Nils Niedhart,
mister gold medals.
I thought you were in Hell!
Ja, I was! Then I tried to escape.
No one stopped me!
Anyway, I will be taking mein cola now.
Listen here, you big protein planet!
We came a long way for that soda!
Yeah! We need it for
a very good foil of ours!
So, hand it over!
And if I say nein?
Then, we'll write a sternly worded
letter to the animators.
Nice try, pooch chimps,
but this soda is almost as perfect
as mein physique.
And it even has these
teensy weensy bubbles!
[KISSING, BABY TALKING]
- Okay, that's just not right.
And again with the teensy bubbles!
[STRUGGLING]
[GIGGLES]
[♪♪♪]
[SMASHING]
[PINBALL NOISES]
[GRUNTING]
[STRUGGLING]
[SIGHS]
Hm?
Stop! Thieves! Mein bubbles!
[TIRES SCREECH, HONKING]
[PANTING]
[CREAKING]
[TIRE SCREECH]
[ANNOYED GRUMBLING]
[ANNOYED GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
[CREAKING]
[GROWLING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GRUMBLE]
Huh?
[DRAMATIC STING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[DRAMATIC STING]
[GRUNTS]
[DRAMATIC STING]
[SIGHS]
Well, das is just eine tautology.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[YELLING]
[CAR TUMBLING]
[SCREECH]
[GRUMBLING]
[YELLING]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
Ah! Oh
[CLANKING]
- Whee!
[GROANING]
- Ew.
We're gonna have to cut this
line if we're gonna save Scratchy.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
I hate that they can do that
without feeling self-conscious.
[SIGHS]
La-la-la! I like roller coasters!
[GRUNTS]
Very big man coming through!
It's not a brag! It's just the truth!
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Please stay behind the yellow line.
- But I've got to get to the coaster!
- Uh, sir--
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
You can write about this character-
building setback in your college essay.
[GRUNTS]
- Got it!
Whoa!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[PANTING]
[SLOW MOTION GRUNT]
[♪♪♪]
Hey! Zack Snyder!
It's a seven minute segment.
Move it along!
[GRUNT RESTARTS]
Here comes the photo!
[STRUGGLING]
I said sir!
[GRUNTS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
WAKKO: Got it!
Grab on!
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
Let's take this puppy in for a landing!
[NILS STRAINING]
[GRUNTS]
You can't get rid of me, Warners!
I can hang like this all day!
Look at these impeccable lats! Ah!
Bet you didn't know I was 5% salamander.
[STRAINING, GRUNTING]
[CRUNCHING, SQUISHING]
[YELLING]
[♪♪♪]
I'm deducting one point
for over-reliance on
meta-humor.
Mm, what was that?
Meta-humor.
Say what now?
Meta-humor.
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMING]
[RUMBLE]
Ah
[GLASS SHATTERS, GRUNTING]
[RATTLING]
[SIGHS]
Okay. We got the Hindenburg Cola,
Scratchy. Just like we promised.
[GROANING]
[RUMBLING]
[GRUNTS]
Ha! I got you, Warners!
I have been planning this elaborate ruse
since 19 und 98!
I'm not sick at all! ♪
[LAUGHING]
[RUMBLING]
A-but-but-but! Before you open it,
we should warn you,
it might've gotten a little bit shaken up.
I'm not sick at all!
The joke is on you for a change!
[GASPING]
Ah! I am ze new und improved
Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff.
The reboot Scratchansniff!
I am going to win sometimes!
And not just be the butt of
your elaborate slapstick gag-- Ah!
Ooh, the teensy weensy bubbles!
They are giving me
teensy weensy embolisms!
Ah ah ah ah choo!
Und I think I'm getting sick.
[SNEEZES]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the bubbles are everywhere!
[SMASHING CONTINUES]
Their prickly pops taste so sweet,
so delicious.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, the humility!
[BUBBLING]
[THUNDER CRACKS]
[PINKY AND THE BRAIN THEME PLAYING]
Gee, Brain,
what do you want to do tonight?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[♪♪♪]
They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius ♪
The other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
[SLAM]
[EPIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[PAPER CRINKLING] Dielectric film
should boost capacitance by
[SNIPPING]
[WHIRRING]
[♪♪♪]
Onward, Dust-Boy!
Show us the joy of the suck!
Whee!
Oh! Ah!
[GASPS]
Dust-Boy!
Are you okay?
DUST-BOY: I am incapable of feeling.
Aw, you sound just like my dad.
[MUFFLED GRUMBLING]
Brain, no!
You're holding them the wrong way.
It's bad luck!
And as for you,
you heuristic Hoover!
Mother of pearl!
You got him to open up to you, Brain!
He's not like my dad at all.
That's a state-of-the-art
self-navigation chip!
Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
I think so, Brain,
but a banana hammock? Hoo!
Not as comfortable as it sounds.
No, Pinky.
Lost. Lost.
Should I go to grad school?
This processor will provide
the perfect finishing touch
for my prototype! Behold!
Brilliant, Brain! What is it?
Oh. My apologies.
Disable active camouflage.
[BEEPING]
Brilliant, Brain! What is it?
I call it the Model B!
[ENERGETIC MUSIC]
Fully electric.
Zero emissions. Solar charging.
Voice control.
Digital copies of every Harry Potter film,
except the overly teen angsty
Order of the Phoenix.
Danny was still finding himself!
It's self-driving, too.
Egad, Brain! We'll make a fortune!
Au contraire, my friend.
We'll be taking quite the loss
on every vehicle sold.
The recommended
retail price for the Model B
is a mere $10. $12 for power windows.
But Brain, at that price,
everyone in the world
is going to want one!
Precisely, Pinky! And once they get in,
they're never getting out.
At least not until
I choose to release them.
With the entire world's population
trapped in their vehicles,
my ascent to the global throne
will be obstacle free!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[DOOR OPENS]
[PINKY GRUNTS]
- H-hello?
Is anybody there?
[WHIRRING, ZAPPING]
It's just the vacuum cleaner.
And you thought it was
a super-intelligent evil mouse.
I know what I saw, Carl!
DUST-BOY: Lost.
Maybe I'll take up yoga. Lost.
Yeah. Better send
the little guy in for servicing.
BRAIN:
Disable active camouflage.
[BEEPING]
And now, to simply release oursel--
[♪♪♪]
Deary me.
Open the doors please, Model B.
MODEL B: I'm sorry, Brain.
I'm afraid I can't do that.
[WHIRRING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[SMASH]
[GROANING]
[MOTOR WHINING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
Override system protocol!
[BUZZ]
Disable engine!
[BUZZ]
Engage emergency evacuation procedure!
[BUZZ]
Oh at least turn on the AC.
[BEEP, FAN BLOWING]
Now, you're just mocking me.
- Where are we going?
- There's no way of knowing.
The Model B is programmed
to keep its occupants
on the road until given
the order to release,
or until its battery runs flat.
We could be driving for a few minutes,
or all of eternity.
Road trip!
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
Car at night ♪
Speeding through the city ♪
Now it's morning, how about that? ♪
[STRAINING]
Brain tries to escape ♪
Ooh! What do these buttons do, Brain?
Pinky pushes buttons like a rat ♪
Ah!
Yes, it's a funny old country song ♪
To keep things moving along ♪
Banana hammock is
another word for a thong ♪
Not that one!
Banana hammock is just
another word for a thong ♪
[GASPS]
Whee-hoo!
[SPLASH]
There must be some way
out of here!
[YELLING]
There are some cows,
what rhymes with cows? ♪
PINKY: Egad, Brain, look!
It's a flock of cows!
Ah!
PINKY:
I'll bet that one's called Bill.
[MOOS]
And the one behind him is
Bill iam. Billiam!
What do you think that
one's called, Brain?
You're obviously
going to call him Billothy.
Amazing!
[BEEP]
[MOOING]
Wow, Brain! You don't know
what you're missing!
[HORN BLARING]
Oh no, it's a truck ♪
Just like that movie Duel ♪
Better hope it runs out of fuel ♪
Or drives off a cliff ♪
[HORN BLARING, CRASH]
Very clever.
Never seeing the driver of the truck
was way scarier than if we had!
Banana hammock's
another word for a thong ♪
Ouch
Banana hammock's
another word for a thong ♪
[MUFFLED] Seriously!
Come take a look at this window!
It's so shiny and smooth.
[COUNTRY SONG ENDS]
Oh, there
Are some cows, what rhymes with cows? ♪
Cows, cows, cows,
cows, cows, cows, cows! ♪
Perhaps when we get out of here,
you and I can
can join forces, old bean!
Yes! After all, you are of noble blood,
r-royal pine!
[KISS]
Ah!
[♪♪♪]
I had no choice! It was me or her, see?
Oh, it's time we face the facts, Pinky.
We're doomed!
I supposed we might as well talk.
Woohoo-hoohoo!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Brain, what nine characteristics
do you look for in a friend, and why?
Nope. Next.
Um Ooh! What's your biggest fear?
Mine is being burped on by a frog.
- Moving on.
Well
Ooh, I know!
You're always trying to work out
how to take over the world,
but you've never told me
why you want to
take over the world, Brain.
[♪♪♪]
Brain?
- If I answer this,
you'll let me expire in peace?
Cross my paws and hope to poit!
Very well. It all began with a
wavy transition and descending xylophone.
[DESCENDING XYLOPHONE]
[MICE SQUEAKING]
Take the one with the head
shaped like a Volkswagen.
He'll do.
[♪♪♪]
[CREAK]
[TYPING]
Subject Three Alpha Five Nine.
Prep the stunning plate.
[CLICK, BUZZING]
BRAIN: My hopes that this
stunning plate was a particularly
sumptuous cheese platter
were also misplaced.
[ZAPPING]
- Ah! Oh!
[ZAPPING]
Oh!
The idea is once
we remove the electronic stimulus
[ZAPPING CONTINUES]
he still won't go for the cheese.
Learned helplessness.
Alright, cut the power.
[CLICK]
[WHIRRING DOWN]
[♪♪♪]
BRAIN: From that day hence,
I vowed I would be the one in control.
Of myself, of my surroundings,
of the world!
But yet again, here I am,
totally helpless.
Perhaps for the last time.
Oh, Brain
I'm so sorry.
And what did they do to you, Pinky?
It must've been horrific.
Oh, well it was no picnic,
let me tell you!
They wanted to see if mice
could tell the difference
between Camembert and Brie. So,
they fed me all these amazing cheeses,
but I could not tell them apart!
[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH]:
So, it was a picnic then!
It even says right here on Wikipedia
that the difference in
flavors is so minimal
that many experts can't
tell the two apart.
I have always found Brie to be
a shade more nutty and--
Wikipedia?!
You've had a tablet this whole time?!
Well, it is a road trip, Brain. Duh!
[TYPING]
[BEEP]
MODEL B: Manual override.
[BEEPING]
Windows opening.
[WIND BLOWING]
[BOTH STRUGGLING]
[SCREAMING]
Pinky! It's now or never!
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Where do you think she's going, Brain?
I guess we'll never know, Pinky.
[WHIRRING DOWN]
[NEON BUZZING]
[DING DONG]
Dust-Boy! My old friend!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
MODEL B: You complete me.
DUST-BOY: You will always
have a part of me.
[ZAP]
[CANS RATTLING]
[SIGHS]
Come, Pinky.
Do your best to imitate
an opposable thumb.
We must get back to
the lab by tomorrow night.
Why, Brain? What are
we gonna do tomorrow night?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the wor--
Nyah!
[HORN BLARING]
[MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAIL TO THE CHIEF PLAYING]
Hello. I'm Dot Warner.
Also known as
Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa
Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Bobesca III,
but you can just call me
your favorite Warner sibling.
Today, I'd like to sing
a little song about
[CREAKING, THUMPING]
Oops!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Sorry, gentlemen. Well,
the song's not about these dummies anyway.
It's a little ditty I've composed
detailing the accomplishments
of the women behind the men.
Every single First Lady of
the United States of America!
Please put two minutes on the clock.
Oh no, no, no, no, no. Hold on.
You're going to sing about
every First Lady in two minutes?
Have you practiced this?
Well no, I have not.
[TICKING]
[♪♪♪]
[WHIRRING]
First First Lady Martha Washington ♪
Stood strong at Valley Forge ♪
And good old Dolly Madison ♪
Saved Martha's husband George ♪
From the British in the White House ♪
In the war of 1812 ♪
These were not just
wives of Presidents ♪
But patriots themselves ♪
Eleanor Roosevelt ♪
Lady on a mission ♪
Head of the United Nations
Human Rights Commission ♪
Just like a tea bag,
you knew Eleanor was strong ♪
'Cause she thrived when in hot water ♪
Just like me singing this song ♪
Lady Bird Johnson kept America clean ♪
Betty Ford and Nancy Reagan, too,
if you know what I mean ♪
Michelle Obama is an icon ♪
Who put veggies in your school ♪
And like Jacqueline Onassis ♪
The epitome of cool ♪
Rosalynn Carter lobbied for
the Equal Rights Amendment ♪
Florence Harding ran a paper ♪
Till her husband became President ♪
Abigail Adams helped
John form his politics ♪
And her son, John Quincy Adams,
was POTUS number six! ♪
Um, how many first ladies are there?
Just 45.
[TICKING]
- Uh, I hate to tell you this,
but you only have one minute left.
What?! Oh no! That can't be right! Ah!
[SMASH]
Martha Jefferson, that's just 11,
now I'll have to rush ♪
Pat Nixon and Melania Trump ♪
And Barb and Laura Bush ♪
Lou Hoover, Sarah Polk, and Lucy Hayes ♪
What was I thinking?
I had three verses ♪
On the tragic life of
Mary Todd Lincoln ♪
Louisa Adams, Frances Cleveland,
Elizabeth Monroe ♪
Julia and Letitia Tyler,
Mamie Eisenhower, oh no! ♪
Edith Roosevelt, Jane Pierce,
Ellen Arthur, I thought I had it in me! ♪
Caroline and Anna Harrison,
Helen Taft, Ida McKinley! ♪
Grace Coolidge, Lucretia Garfield,
only seven more to go ♪
Abby Fillmore, Rachel Jackson,
Margaret Taylor, yeah, so close! ♪
Eliza Johnson, Edith Wilson,
Julia Grant, so close, I can ♪
Thanks to Hillary Rodham Clinton,
we almost had the First Man! ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
- Wow, two minutes! You did it!
That's why the right man
for the job is always a woman.
[DING]
[♪♪♪]