Better With You s01e13 Episode Script

Hey! Did you use my razor? Oh! I thought it was mine! Your razor is pink and has a butterfly on it.
Your razor is light blue and has a butterfly on it.
It is a masculine moth.
So I used your razor.
What's the big deal? This.
Good morning.
Hey.
Are you wearing my deodorant? Yeah.
Mine ran out, like, three weeks ago, so I started using yours, and it is awesome.
Now I also use your moisturizer, your shampoo, and your nasal spray.
I-I don't own any nasal spray.
Mm, then why does my nose smell so minty? Honey, have you seen my bathrobe? Yep.
I'm wearing it.
It's so big and cozy.
Okay.
I'm fine switching robes.
It's airy.
You know what the best thing about being in a new relationship is? You're not so annoyed by the other person yet that you sleep half the day just to avoid them? It's that you're always learning amazing new things about each other.
Get this Casey loves Valentine's day.
Only four months till Valentine's day.
Only 67 days till Valentine's day! Only 13 days till Valentine's day.
He's being very secretive.
I think he's planning something big.
Ohh.
That is so sweet.
We can't let him do something big! That little bastard's gonna sink us both! I know.
We've gotta talk to him.
Where are you guys going? Uh, you know, just going to the gym.
You know, build our muscles.
Yep.
Funny.
Ben says he goes to the gym twice a week.
I stopped paying for that membership six months ago.
I cannot believe this! The last one of the temps that I hired for Valentine's day just quit! I run an e-card web site! Don't they know that Valentine's day is our busiest day of the year?! Why are they all quitting now? Oh, I don't know.
Some nonsense about wanting to spend the day with their boyfriends and girlfriends.
You know, it's my fault for hiring attractive people.
Next year, only uglies and chubsters.
Like the temps they hire at the club.
Yipes! "No wonder you're a temp.
" "No one wants to look at you that long.
" I'm in trouble here.
I just lost half of my workforce.
I don't understand.
It's a web site.
I thought it was run by robots.
No, I need actual people to answer the phones, solve customers' problems.
Valentine's day is tomorrow.
I mean, I'm never gonna find a new temp by then! We have to come to the rescue again, don't we? We have no choice.
It's what we do.
We've always cleaned up her messes.
Hey, guys, thanks for helping me with my report on Peru.
I'm sorry I waited till the last minute.
Well, I finished the map.
Look at where Peru is.
What the hell goes on down there? Mia, relax.
Maddie and I will help you out.
Oh, my God.
That would be so great.
You guys would really do that for me? Of course.
We always save you.
Remember your report on Peru? Yeah, well, you didn't save me that much.
I got a "c.
" Ohh.
That still eats at me.
I'd love to write that report again now.
I'd kill it! Hey, would you guys want to write (Both) No.
What if I just write it and you guys grade it? Fine.
"D.
" I'll take a thousand of these ecuadorean roses.
May I apologize for how I treated you earlier? Your "raccoon with a bandanna" t-shirt was, um, slightly misleading.
Pardon us.
Hey, what are you doing?! I'm I'm buying flowers here! No, you're not.
We do not buy expensive gifts on Valentine's day in this family.
You give one store-bought card, one rose.
That way no one looks like a hero, and no one looks like a jerk.
You've got to think ahead, son.
When Vicky and I were first dating, I made the mistake of going crazy on her birthday.
Now it's a 3-day festival.
Once you go big, you cannot go back.
Yeah.
I love this holiday, and it's my first one with Mia, and she's having my baby.
I'm just really excited to show her how much I care, so I appreciate that you guys have these rules, but, uh No, thanks.
This is exciting.
I haven't worked in an office since the '80s.
Do people still do a lot of drugs? Uh, no, mom.
Our company policy forbids drug use.
Okay, so just answer the phone "paper-free post," and here is a script of what to say Okay.
And a flowchart that should pretty much solve any problem that comes in.
Oh! I love flowcharts.
They're one of our country's most underrated charts.
Oh, and this is hunter.
He's our tech guy in charge of the servers.
How's volume, hunter? Very high, but I'm rerouting 45% of the traffic through two off-site slave servers, so it's all good.
Oh! Great.
All right.
Girls, any questions? Yes, Maddie.
Uh, I don't think you've learned this yet, but most professional offices have a wrist support that goes in front of the keyboard.
Oh.
Okay.
And I need one! I have a tendon thing.
You're only here for one day.
Do you really need one? Without one, there's a chance I'll have some stinging in this area here And sometimes here.
There's no easy listening music coming out of these headphones.
Uh, well, because that is a phone piece, and you broke it.
Maybe I did.
That guy's on drugs.
Okay, um, I'll run out, because hunter needs another backup drive anyway, and I will get you a wrist support and a new phone earpiece.
And a funny mug! I used to have one that said, "no coffee, no workee.
" Get it? Just follow the flowcharts, and if you have any questions, ask hunter.
Relax, Mia.
We got this.
Hello.
You've reached the Internet.
And I-I want the skywriting to say, "she walks in beauty, like the night, of cloudless climes and starry skies.
" You charge per letter? Okay.
How about, uh, "Mia #1"? But use the number sign, not the word.
Hey.
Today at 3:45, look to the northwest sky.
I'm not gonna do that.
So you know how I'm kinda your mentor? No, I have never thought of you that way not one time.
Well, as your mentor, I gotta tell ya, I know you think your Valentine's plan is good But take it from a savvy veteran, you're gonna want to stick to our rules.
Don't you ever miss Valentine's day? Not at all.
See, I don't need some forced holiday to celebrate my love for Maddie.
I show Maddie that I love her every single day.
Really? How'd you do it today? Well, today's a bad example.
She was real bitchy this morning.
Don't you ever miss making your lady feel like a princess? Don't you ever think about the the look on her face, her eyes all misty, because you know you've just surpassed her wildest dreams? Maybe it's just me, but I would miss it.
I miss it like crazy! I love my lady, you know, but Joel Joel he gets so angry, you know? He's like a he's like a monster.
Show Maddie.
Celebrate Valentine's day.
Let her know how you feel.
Two years ago, I wrote half a poem, but because of his stupid rules, I just I threw it away.
Finish it.
Finish that poem.
I still remember the way it started.
"'M' is for the magic I feel when you are near.
" Or get her a bracelet? We should ask that kid to get us some coffee.
I'm not sure that's his job.
All I heard was "server," and I want some coffee.
Paper-free post.
How may I help you? Oh, I'm sorry you're having trouble, but if you love her as much as you say you do, send her a real card.
Hey, kid, why don't you be a good boy and bring me some coffee? Coffee? Dude, I'm not getting you coffee.
I'm in the middle of rerouting the server, because one of the backup drives well, why don't you reroute some water through a coffee filter and bring it to me? I'm the chief technical officer here.
I do not get coffee, not even for Mia's grandmother.
I'm so glad you talked me into this.
I have missed Valentine's day, and I'll say it crafts are fun.
Can I borrow your Martini shaker? Vicki wore ours out and I what the hell is going on here? You're making valentines! We had a deal one store-bought card, one rose! Well, not anymore! I'm with Casey now.
It's Valentine's day, and we are pleasing our ladies.
You boys have no idea what you are doing.
This is a mistake.
If it's a mistake, then why does it feel so good? If you two shower Mia and Maddie with all this crap, you are going to make me look like a bad husband.
You got that right.
Check this out.
It's a heart-shaped card, and when you open it, a picture of me pops up.
Oh.
Really? You wanna do this? You wanna go? All right.
It is on! I am going to blow your Valentine's day out of the water! Do you two losers have any idea how many platinum card points I have? I will make you look like a 5-year-old who picked his mommy a daisy! But I will say, I have my work cut out for me.
Those are some shockingly delightful crafts.
Okay.
Here is your wrist support Your phone earpiece Oh, and a mug that says, "instant slut, just add vodka.
" Okay.
That's funny, 'cause it's true.
Hunter, I have your backup drive! Oh, he's not here.
He's not supposed to leave, especially not today.
Why would he leave? Because mom fired him.
What?! I had no choice.
He was bad for morale.
Grandmother? You can't talk to me like that.
You know what? You're fired.
Yeah, right.
You can't fire me.
Mia's your boss.
I'm Mia's mother.
That makes me the "super boss.
" What's your problem? What's got your 1983 power suit all in a bunch? Listen, kid, all I have to do is look at you.
You're 4 feet tall.
You've got your weird hair.
I can tell, you're gonna spend the rest of your life alone, so why don't you start now? Go back to your little geek cave, play your sad computer game until 5:00 in the morning, curl up on your used twin bed, pretend your blanket's a girl, make out with your pillow, and leave the business to the grown-ups.
You said that to him? And how did you know all that stuff about his life? And by the way, your flowchart needs work.
It doesn't say what to do if the servers go down.
The servers are down?! Uh, what the hell happened here? I mean, I asked you to come in and help me, and you just, like, ruin everything! It's okay.
My assistant Glen is on his way up.
He's great with computers.
One time, mine didn't work, and then he did something, and then it worked again, so Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Glen, Maddie's assistant.
She just texted me, "I need you.
" Sorry, Ben.
Looks like you're out, and I'm in.
Oh! Maddie! Hi! I'm sorry I took so long.
I got you flowers, got a haircut, and bought this suit.
Oh.
Oh! And here is a box of chocolate bars with your picture on them! Oh.
No, thank you.
I just need you to fix the computers.
Yeah, they're back here.
Come on! Hurry! Okay, but there's a horse-drawn carriage outside! He took a horse-drawn carriage to work? That guy's a character.
Hello, gentlemen.
Just wanted to check in and see how your Valentine's day plans were progressing.
Ohh.
How cute.
You've got a couple of those, uh, plastic air holders.
You mean balloons? Those aren't balloons.
These are balloons.
Oh, yeah? Well, I hired the chef from Bistro Jeanty To come here and prepare a delicious 5-course meal.
And I hired a masseuse to come and give me and Mia a couples massage.
You're not even in my ballpark.
Hey! Have you heard of Michael Feinstein, world-renowned pianist and American Treasure? Turns out, for 200,000 platinum points, he will come to your home and serenade you with a song I wrote expressly for Vicky.
You wrote a song.
Big deal.
I write songs all the time.
I wrote a song about Maddie.
You, uh, I think you meant Mia.
No, I did not.
I'm sorry the site isn't working.
Our servers are down, but we've got our best man working on it.
I can't fix that.
Oh, God.
I don't even know what that is.
It's, like, a wall of scary machines with no buttons, and it's so hot in there.
I need to lie down.
What am I gonna do? This is a disaster.
Mia, don't worry, okay? We'll all just cancel our Valentine's day plans and stay here till it's fixed.
But it's Casey's favorite holiday.
It'll break his heart.
Oh.
It won't break Ben's heart.
All I ever get is a store-bought card and a rose.
You get a rose? Happy Valentine's day.
This is Casey.
How may I make your heart swoon? Yeah, about that I'm stuck here.
I'm probably gonna be here all night.
The site crashed after my crazy mother fired the I.
T.
Guy.
I'm telling you, Joel, Mia hired some incompetent 14-year-old fool.
I had to fix everything, and now I'm gonna be here all night.
Plus, no one drinks at work anymore, so I have to do it In the bathroom! We were having computer problems, and everyone freaked out except for me.
Ohh.
Ben, if it weren't for me, this place would've fallen apart hours ago.
No, mom, I won't be needing the apartment tonight.
I know what I said.
It's not happening.
Oh, man.
I cannot believe Valentine's day is canceled.
The masseuse I hired is nonrefundable.
And Michael Feinstein is just sitting in my living room.
I can't believe all this food is gonna go to waste.
Yeah.
You know, it's still Valentine's day.
Maybe we could eat the food, maybe even tell the masseuse to come over here? I can get Feinstein to come over like that.
I had to hire the piano movers for the whole day.
So we can have our own Valentine's day here, the three of us? Yeah! All right! Yeah.
Is this gonna be Fun or weird? Fun! Really fun.
So fun.
Is your wife even coming? I didn't pay you to ask questions, Feinstein.
What would've taken hunter five minutes took me two hours, but the servers are back up.
I recovered all the cards that came in, and I sent them off, and after I said I would help hunter meet girls, he agreed to come back.
Wait.
You fixed all that? Honey, that's incredible.
Why do you sound so surprised? I run a pretty successful business.
Did you really not think I knew what I was doing? Oh, well, to be fair, it seemed like everyone else did most of the work, and you just, I don't know Like how we used to clean up all your messes, 'cause you never really knew what you were doing.
The reason it seems like everyone does the work around here is because they do, and that's the way I want it.
I can do it.
I just don't wanna do it.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, like the Peru report come on.
I knew if I didn't do anything till the last minute, I could get you two to do it for me.
I forgot it was due! You really did that to us? That's horrible.
Well, it's It's just that school was so hard for me And I had to wear glasses And I always lived in Maddie's shadow! You're doing it again.
Yeah.
You got me.
Well, I had no idea you were that deceitful.
I've been totally underestimating you.
Ah, yeah.
Never underestimate the youngest.
We are crafty.
Oh, hunter, you're back.
Thank God.
Okay, I got us up and running again, but we're only operating at, like, 40%.
I'll take care of it.
Ohh.
Just keep the mean lady away from me.
Oh! Oh! You know, you'd get me coffee, none of this would've happened.
When I say "no coffee, no workee," I mean it.
All right.
Well, I think hunter can probably handle things from here.
There's still a little time left.
What do you say we salvage some Valentine's day with the guys? Oh! Sounds good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Glen, we're leaving.
Oh, I'll go in a bit.
I still have a bunch of calls to make.
Hi, aunt Janet.
It's not happening.
It was a misunderstanding.
Yes, I wish I had listened to you, too.
So you guys ready to hear the Vicky song? Yeah, and, Feinstein, don't rush it.
He tends to rush.
O-okay.
my first morning treat is your blue and red eyes your ruddy cheeks are my "start the day" prize I kiss your cracked lips and my morning's complete you're not that tall your hands are small and once you threw up in the hall you take some time to get ready but when you're done you look okay oh, Vicky how 'bout a quickie? oh, Vicky I love you today Really? Thank you.
Oh, my God.
What's going on? Is that Michael Feinstein? Yes, it is! And that's the chef from bistro Jeanty.
Ah! Oh, my God.
You guys went crazy.
I can't believe you went to so much trouble, and we ruined it.
You guys never do stuff like this.
I feel terrible we weren't here.
Joel, this is so sweet.
I just want to kiss you.
Then do it.
Aw, honey.
I love you.
Oh, this is the best Valentine's day ever.
You're good.
There's pink champagne in the fridge.
I could pour everybody a glass.
No, let us.
It's the least we can do.
Did you guys see the looks on their faces, huh? You were right.
It was worth it.
Yeah, but how are you gonna top it next year? Hey, I could've saved 50,000 points and gotten Harry Connick Jr.
Keep playing.
Are you ready to see what I bought you for Valentine's day? Yes, please! Ohh.
Ding-dong! Uh can can I just ask one thing? Did you wash this after you bought it? Because, you know, a lot of times new clothes have chemicals that are bad for the skin.
They give you rashes and bumps and those nasty little whiteheads.
Oh, my God.
I forgot.
Ohh.
Are you ready to see what I got you for Valentine's day? Yeah, I've been waiting all day for this.
Ohh.
Why'd you circle June 2nd? Because that's the day that I'm gonna be able to fit into that.
Are you ready for your Valentine's day present? I am.
It's an erotic cake.
It's a dirty one this year.
It is amazing.
The people on top really look like us.
Well, they should.
I sent them those pictures we took in key west.
Oh, my God, Joel.
We said no one would ever see those.
Oh, don't worry.
I didn't give them pictures.
I just e-mailed them.