Bewitched (1964) s01e13 Episode Script

- Everything is just beautiful, Samantha.
- Thank you, Gertrude.
If I look a little green, it's pure envy.
I break out whenever I see a friend happily married.
Your turn will come.
- I know, but when? - As soon as you meet the right man.
Have any idea where he's hiding? I'll bet Darrin knows plenty of nice single men.
I don't wanna seem too eager, Samantha, but I'm always available.
I'll have him invite someone to dinner Friday night.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Don't worry.
It's only an inexpensive replica.
It could be replaced.
- It didn't look inexpensive.
- Looks can be deceiving.
Now, are you gonna be able to come for dinner Friday night? Sure, but I think you'd be better off inviting Hurricane Hannah.
- Don't be silly.
See you Friday night.
- Thanks.
What time Friday? Eight o'clock.
I told you it could be replaced.
Honey, I'm home! - Hi there, sweetheart.
- Hi, baby.
- Did you have a hard day at the office? - The usual.
I bet you're glad to have a nice home to return to.
- You bet I am.
- Can I fix you a drink? Thank you, sweetheart.
I bet some fellows at the office aren't that lucky.
- None of them are.
- Some probably aren't even married.
Are you driving at something, Sam? - Why would you say that? - Something about your approach.
There are probably lots of attractive bachelors at the office, aren't there? Why? Does every question have to have a "why" behind it? Look, nobody asks a question like that without an ulterior motive.
Now own up.
What is it? Do you have some single girlfriend looking for a husband? Well, there is one lovely girl I know.
Who? - Gertrude.
- Do I know her? You met her at the hospital benefit.
Was she the one with? No, that's Lola.
Was she the one with? No, I think you're thinking about Nancy.
I am thinking about Nancy.
Forget about Nancy.
Think about Gertrude.
She didn't make much of an impression on me, Sam.
She'll make a fine impression on some poor Ionely boy at your office.
No, she won't.
I don't know any poor Ionely boys.
What about that artist friend of yours, Kermit? Oh, you're kidding.
Kermit's having a ball being single.
Women throw themselves at his feet.
What a life that Kermit lives.
You were leading the same kind of life when you met me and you were glad to give it up.
Weren't you? Sure, I was, Sam, but a girl like you doesn't come along every day.
Neither does a girl like Gertrude.
I have an idea.
Why don't you ask Kermit to dinner Friday night? Sam, if there's one thing Kermit is not in the market for, it's a wife.
Darling, I'm just asking you to invite him to dinner not his wedding.
For me? Please? - Hi, Kermit.
- Hiya, Darrin.
- Boy.
- You like her? - Who wouldn't? - Her name's Susan.
- I know.
I met her with you a few times.
- Yeah, that's right.
I guess you're busy Friday night, aren't you? Yeah, she asked me out to her place.
- That's that.
- That's what? My wife had the crazy notion that you'd like to have dinner at our house.
- Is Samantha a good cook? - Pretty good.
- I'll come.
- And walk away from that? Well, I can always walk right back.
I hope.
What time? - Dinner's at 8.
- I'll be there.
Hey, that's mine, buddy.
Oh, yeah.
Candles? We always have candles when we have guests.
- Tonight I'd like the lights on.
- Why? So Kermit can get a good look at your friend Gertrude.
Darling, don't make it sound as if I'm trying to put something over on him.
Well, aren't you? When he gets to know her, he'll thank you for bringing them together.
If she were a girl that would make an impression on Kermit I'd remember her from the benefit.
Don't judge everybody's taste by your own, sweetheart.
- One man's meat is another - I know this man's taste, Sam.
Believe me.
- Now, you behave yourself.
- I'll try.
Hi, I hope I'm not late.
No, you're the first one here.
Come on in, Gertrude.
- Hi, Darrin.
Nice seeing you again.
- Hi, Gertrude.
Nice seeing you again.
Married life must agree with you.
You've put on a little weight.
Well, have I? Well, you look just about the same.
Oh, really? I better retreat to the powder room and see if I can do something about that.
- I don't remember her at all.
- Darrin.
I'll get it, honey.
- Hello, Darrin.
- Hi.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Hi, Samantha.
- Hello, Kermit.
- What will I do with this, Darrin? Oh, my gosh.
Was it valuable? - Don't ask.
- Don't kid.
Don't worry.
It can be replaced just like that.
Stop trying to frighten the poor man.
I'll do that.
- Hi, I'm Gertrude.
- Oh, I'm Kermit.
Thanks for setting me straight about that vase.
My old buddy here had me worried for a minute.
That vase happened to be an authentic relic.
So am I.
Were you warned about me, or do I come as a horrible surprise? You're a delightful surprise.
Tell me all about yourself.
It's a terribly uninteresting story.
Why don't you tell me all about you.
With pleasure.
You just happened to hit on my favourite subject.
He likes her.
Where did she get the idea that vase could be replaced? Oh, don't worry about it, darling.
It can.
- Samantha, is Gertrude a? - A what? You know.
Really, Darrin.
Now come on.
They've taken to each other.
Isn't that nice? Nice isn't the word.
It's strange.
You're surrounded by beautiful girls day and night.
- I must come as quite a shock.
- What do you mean? - I'm not exactly the model type.
- You're a very lovely type.
And I wish you'd stop running yourself down.
Darrin, this girl is terrific.
Where have you been hiding her? You'll have to ask my wife that question.
- What are you people drinking? - I'll have a Crazy Charlie.
- What's that? - It's my own invention.
It's Two parts vodka, one part gin and one part bicarbonate of soda.
How in the world did you know that? I don't know.
I must be psychic.
I'll have a Crazy Charlie too.
It sounds interesting.
- Two Crazy Charlies coming up.
- Make that three.
Three Crazy Charlies, and one bicarb of soda.
Straight.
I can't get over you knowing about Crazy Charlie.
I bet you two find you have a lot of things in common.
Kermit, come here.
I need your help.
- I'll go.
- I want Kermit.
Excuse me.
What do you think of him? As a rule, I don't like handsome men.
But he's the exception.
- Be careful.
- Of what? - Gertrude.
- What's the matter with her? I'm not sure.
She seems perfectly okay to me.
I know more about these things than you do.
- Since when? - Since I got married.
Listen, chum, a marriage license is not a Master's degree.
- I know what I'm talking about.
- So do I.
Take my advice.
Ignore that girl.
- I've got a better idea.
- What? I'll ignore you.
Oh, Kermit.
Here.
Thank you.
It's different.
- So are you.
The curlew are passing over early this year.
- Don't tell me you're a bird lover.
- It's my one passion.
Don't tell me you are.
I have many hidden passions.
That's one.
Hey, I've got a great idea.
You want me to go bird watching with you tomorrow morning.
Gertrude, that's absolutely astonishing.
Confess.
You possess supernatural powers.
Samantha, can I speak to you in the kitchen for a minute? - When? - Now.
Excuse me.
Is Gertrude a witch? Darrin, is that why you've been acting so funny? - I've been acting funny?! - I'm glad you recognize it.
- Come on.
I want a straight answer.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- For Kermit's sake! - Gertrude is no more of a witch than Than you are! I thought so.
- I forgot myself for a minute.
- Oh, no, you didn't.
All right.
Gertrude is a witch.
All of my friends are witches.
We're just waiting for the right time to swoop down on Morning Glory Circle and claim it in the name of Beelzebub.
- Oh, come on, Sam, quit kidding.
- Who's kidding? I have to check my roast.
- Sam.
- Yes, dear.
- Do something for me, will you? - Anything.
- Tell me honestly, is she or isn't she? - Is she or isn't she what? Sam, this is serious.
Kermit stopped dating all of his old girlfriends.
He's gone out with Gertrude every single night.
That does sound serious.
What I wanna know is why? Don't you think you ought to ask him? I did ask Kermit.
He can't figure it out either.
It's obvious they like each other very much.
It's obvious she's a witch.
Does a girl have to be a witch to make a man give up all his old girlfriends? If the man's Kermit and the girl's Gertrude, yes.
- That's ridiculous, Darrin.
- I know your tricks, Samantha.
I didn't use one single trick to bring them together.
- That proves she's a witch.
- How does that prove it? How did she know about Crazy Charlie? Well, I just did it to get them started.
She's very shy, you know.
And the curlew.
You brought them over a wee bit early this year, didn't you? They were on their way anyway.
It was only a couple of weeks.
Do you realize this nonsense could end up with those two getting married? - Wouldn't that be nice? - A joke's a joke, but this is no joke.
He shouldn't be married under a spell.
Nobody gets married under a witch's spell.
We haven't got that kind of power.
- No? - No.
A man meets a girl, they fall in love, and he asks her to marry him just like you asked me.
How do I know I wasn't under your spell? Is that what you think? I don't know what I think except I do think Gertrude's a witch.
What do you have against witches? Well, nothing personally, but But what? We'll talk about it tomorrow.
- Hi, Darrin.
- Kermit.
- Did you okay those layouts? - Not yet.
- Kermit, I think we better have a talk.
- About what? - The way you're treating your friends.
- What friends? - For example, Susan.
- Susan? You haven't called her since you met Gertrude.
I haven't gone out with anybody but Gertrude.
Is that any reason to turn your back on a friend like Susan? Susan's not a friend.
She's a girl.
Susan is a person.
And she's interested in you as a person in your career, in your mind.
You've gotta be kidding.
Come on, okay those layouts, will you? - I can't now.
I'm too busy.
- When will you be able to? - Not until tomorrow.
- They have to go to the engravers.
- Maybe late tomorrow.
- How late? - Ten o'clock.
- At night? We'll have dinner and drinks.
I'll meet you at the Interlude at 10:00.
Of course I remember you, Darrin.
You work with that treacherous Kermit who hasn't called me in a month.
A spell? Well, if he's been sick, I'm sure I can make him feel better.
All right.
The Interlude at 10.
I'll be there.
- Hello, Kermit? - Sorry to disappoint you.
It's only me.
If I sound like a giddy girl in love, it's your fault.
- What are you doing tonight? - I plan on going to sleep early.
It's the first night in weeks I won't see Kermit.
And I think I know why.
Kermit and Darrin are meeting at the Interlude tonight.
Darrin says it's business, but monkey business is more like it.
He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going along and I want you to meet me there at 10:00.
Good.
You know something, I miss Gertrude.
- That's sweet.
- It's crazy.
She's the only girl I never run out of conversation with.
- I think I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
- That's wonderful.
What made you suddenly think of a thing like that? I didn't suddenly think of it.
I've thought about it for weeks.
- Hi.
- Susan.
- I hope I didn't keep you waiting.
- Oh, hi, Susan.
- Waiting? - No, no, of course not.
I don't believe you've met my wife.
Sam, this is Susan.
- Hello.
- I'm sure you'll get to like each other.
- I'm sure.
- Won't you sit down, Susan.
- Thank you.
- Please, take my chair, Susan.
It's funny, Kermit and I were talking about you today, weren't we, Kermit? - I'm glad to hear that.
- He said some very nice things.
Very nice.
Did you tell him about the night our car broke down near that funny roadhouse? We walked through the rain.
You swept me up in your arms and carried me.
And I slipped.
We went splashing into that muddy water.
I'd almost forgotten.
Susan's quite a girl.
- I'll bet.
- When Darrin called me today I had misgivings as to whether I should see you.
- But now I don't.
- You two had some marvellous times.
Don't bet on that, you'd lose.
But you said Kermit carried you through the rain.
And dropped me in the mud puddle.
Oh, those rippling muscles are nothing but butterfat.
But he was doing his best.
I bet you had real fun together.
Fun? Oh, it was terrible.
I'm glad I finally got the chance to tell you off.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to leave.
Don't hesitate on my account.
- Now, wait! - For what? I've had it with this musclebound Sir Galahad.
Don't ever call me again.
And that goes for you too.
Susan's never talked like that before.
It is strange.
She was so friendly at first.
She wouldn't have if my wife had powdered her nose instead of twitching it in people's business.
- I didn't say a word.
- You didn't have to.
- I'm looking for a Mrs.
Stephens.
- Of course, right this way.
My goodness.
Look who's here.
- Gertrude! - Kermit! I don't know how you got here, but I'm sure glad you did.
I wanna ask you a question.
- Would you excuse us? - Yes, of course.
- Dirty pool.
- All's fair in love and war.
Samantha, once and for all, stop interfering in Kermit's wife.
Life! Samantha, Gertrude would like you to join her in the powder room.
- She's crying.
- What did you say to her? - I asked her to marry me.
- Congratulations! What are you looking so unhappy about? - I'm the one getting married.
- I sorry I have to tell you this.
There doesn't seem to be any other way.
- Tell me.
- You're not gonna believe this.
- I believe whatever anybody tells me.
- Gertrude's a witch.
- Except that.
- I'm not kidding.
- Listen to me, Kermit.
- Look stop making insinuating remarks about Gertrude or I won't invite you to the wedding.
Sweetheart.
Wake up, or by the time we get to the wedding Gertrude will have already flown off on her broom.
Very funny.
Very funny.
Oh, dear.
It's raining.
An omen of things to come for poor Kermit.
No witch would let herself get married on a day like this.
Matter of fact, no witch would even attend a wedding on a day like this.
Good.
A union embodying such an ideal is not to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly and in the fear of God.
Into such a union, you come now to be joined.
If there be any here present who knows any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined in marriage I require him now to make it known or Darrin, you wouldn't say anything, would you? - Well - They're so much in love.
And it isn't witchcraft.
You do believe me, don't you? I believe you.
- For ever after to hold his peace.
Do you, Kermit, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, and forsaking all others will you cleave to her and to her only so long as you both shall live? - I will.
- Do you, Gertrude, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to love and to cherish to have and to hold, and forsaking all others will you cleave to him and to him only so long as you both shall live? - I will.
- I now declare you man and wife.
- Wasn't that a marvellous party? - It was great.
I can't get over how much Kermit's changed.
Changed? Yeah, it's just been a few weeks, and he's Well, I don't know.
He's acting like a Married man.
You know something, Sam? Love can cast almost as powerful a spell on a man as witchcraft.
I'll let you in on a little professional secret: It's a lot more potent than anything we can conjure up.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Here we go again.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Couldn't you have found a safer place? This was bound to happen again.
Well, I thought it would be all right.
Would you do me a favour? Would you put it back together again? I thought you didn't like me correcting mistakes that way.
I'm making an exception.
Please put it back together again.
All right.
That's fabulous.
- Would you like me to do a little magic? - You? Magic? - What did you have in mind? - Something that you'll like, I think.
Be my guest.
What do you know, it worked.
That's one you can count on.
It'll work every time.