Big Nate (2022) s01e13 Episode Script

1
- Ahh, I am loving
this morning.
[school bell rings]
It's one of those days
where nothing can go wrong,
a day when you smile
at the world,
and the world smiles back,
a beautiful day.
- [grunts]
[hums]
- Yeah, a perfect day.
[upbeat music]
Life is so, so good.
I mean, what could possibly go
wrong on such a beautiful day?
- Test!
- No!
Don't wanna go
to school today
The sun is red-hot
and I wanna play
But if I get caught,
they'll make me pay
Detention again
Math and social studies
just ain't my thing
Rocking with my band
is where I'm king
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test
- Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh
- Big Nate!
- Oh, please, please,
please make the stress go away.
- Nate, who are you talking to?
- Anybody that'll listen.
- [cackling]
Oh, Nate, now it really
is a beautiful day.
Just watching you fail,
it's the most glorious moment
of my young life.
- Stuff a sock in it, Gina.
For your information,
I almost studied,
but I just--I got
a little distracted repeatedly.
- Your goose is cooked,
and I'm enjoying the cracklins.
[cackling]
- [sighs]
- You boys ready for
the big middle school bake-off?
- Heck yeah.
We're gonna take it this year.
Take it!
- P.S. 38 sure could use
the prize money
from that competition.
- [grunts]
Ahh.
- Gentlemen, I just pushed out
a big blanket of positive.
We are not losing
this year to--
all: Jefferson Middle School.
- It's their Principal.
That demon Ms. Zagorac
always wins with her evil
but oh, so delicious
crab cake lobster muffins.
- How does she do it?
Every year she wins
another trophy for--
all: Jefferson Middle School.
- Positivity blanket,
gentlemen.
Wrap yourselves in its
plush hypoallergenic arms.
This year is ours.
- Ugh, how am I gonna get out
of tomorrow's chemistry test?
How?
Wait, what if
something happened?
Something so crazy
that there was no way
that the test could
take place tomorrow or ever.
Like suddenly the school
is magically teleported
to the moon,
and no one can hear
you study in space,
or a giant kaiju monster
battle of two gargantuas
breaks out right on top
of the school.
Or check this out.
It turns out that the school
is actually a giant spider,
and it decides to take off
and make a new home
in the Himalayas.
I mean, hey,
the school is living
its true, authentic self.
That's pretty sweet.
Okay, yeah, these are great.
But how the heck
can I make them happen?
- You know, Nate,
you could just study.
- Zip it, Gina.
Studying is not the answer.
It's too late for that.
- Nate, you are correct.
It is definitely far too late.
[cackles]
- [groans]
I just don't understand it.
There is something not quite
right about these soufflés.
- Ellen, would you mind?
I can't hear my inner feelings
of crushing panic
and despair over here.
- Hey, dorkus,
stop complaining
and let me borrow
your mouth hole.
- Nope, not interested.
- It's for your school.
I volunteered
to help your teachers
with the big
middle school bake-off.
I mean, they need all the help
that they can get
going up against--
both: Jefferson Middle School.
- Just taste it.
- Nope.
- Come on.
- No.
- What is wrong with you,
besides the obvious stuff?
- Look, I have
a big test tomorrow, and--
Mm-hmm, mm, yeah, yeah,
no, here's your problem.
You put in too much cream
of tartar,
and you let your egg whites
get dry
resulting in a distinct
lack of fluffiness.
- How do you know so much
about baking?
- Oh, yeah,
you remember that summer
when I set out
to discover the secret
of the world's
most perfect cupcakes?
I did it.
Behold, the world's
most perfect cupcake!
[laughing]
- If it was so perfect,
why didn't you save the recipe?
- Well, the world is not ready
for a perfect cupcake, Ellen.
I had to destroy it
in my colon.
[door creaks]
- Ah!
- Ta-da!
both: Ahh!
- Oh, hey, hey kids,
it's me, your dad.
- Dad, what are you doing?
You could have
ruined my soufflés.
Ah, they're okay.
They're perfect.
- I know I'm gonna regret
asking this,
but why are you dressed
like a clown, Dad?
- Well, son,
it's kind of sad really.
An older member
of my bowling team passed away.
He was an amateur clown,
and as a tribute,
me and my bowling buddies
decided to all attend
the funeral in clown costumes.
Neat, huh?
Don't I make a great clown?
- Dad, I gotta say,
you really scared us.
Wait a minute.
You really, really scared us.
All right,
here's the plan guys.
We're gonna shut
down the school
by convincing everyone
it's haunted.
- It's not that far-fetched.
Here in Rackleff, we have
a history of witchcraft.
But nobody knows about it.
- Yeah, including us.
- Yeah.
What are you talking about?
- Years ago, a ghostly coven
of man-witches
hunted the village of Rackleff,
kidnapping children
and cooking them
in their cauldrons.
Just thinking about
it makes my reflux--
[gagging]
- Whoo, It's a good thing
I'm here.
Scary performances
are my specialty.
I once had the starring role
in Edgar Allen Poe's
"A Telltale Heart"
in a stage adaptation
I created, wrote, directed,
did the costumes, catering,
stage managing,
and my favorite part
was that I played the heart
that was thumping away
under the floorboards.
Thump-thump,
thump-thump, thump-thump.
No one read
the reviews unfortunately
because it was back
in preschool,
and nobody could read yet.
- I for one was very moved
at your rehearsal.
- All right, guys,
operation no test is a go.
Let's decorate, and by the time
school rolls around tomorrow,
P.S. 38 will be
the scariest place in town.
- I see you, Nate Wright.
You will not weasel your way
out of tomorrow's test
for some crazy plan.
I will not allow it.
I will stop you.
[dramatic music]
Ew.
[spooky music]
- Whoa, look, it says here
that the horrid coven
of man-witches of Rackleff
was tried, sentenced,
and executed
right here on the spot
where P.S. 38 was built.
- Funny, I never noticed
that plaque before.
- It's giving me the creepies.
- Keep it, stealthy team.
[grunting]
- [whistling]
- Ew.
- [whistling]
[Huey Lewis' "If This Is It"]
- I've been phoning
all night and morning
I heard you said,
"Tell him I'm not home"
"Now you're confessing,
but I'm still guessing
I've been a fool for so,
so long
- Time to scare our way
to no test.
Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[upbeat music]
- Boo!
- Ahh!
- [laughs]
- [chuckles]
- Argh!
- To scare or not to scare,
that is the question.
- Hmm.
- Oh yeah, this is
looking really good.
Definitely gonna send everyone
running from the school
in terror tomorrow morning,
and then, no test.
Ha-cha!
Ahh!
- I know, I'm scared already.
- Chad,
what are you doing here?
- I have no idea.
- All right, well, you can stay
'cause you're cute.
- Aww, you're like
our little mascot.
Come here, come here.
- [panting]
- Aww, whose a little cutie?
- Thanks, guys.
[clanging]
all: [gasp]
- You hear that?
- Did one of you set up
a sound machine?
- That's not ours, Nate.
[tense music]
- [whimpering]
- That doesn't make any sense.
These old radiators
haven't been used in years.
- They're on now,
giving off a lot of heat, too.
[voice chanting]
- You guys hear that?
- Dissemble no more.
I admit the deed.
Tear up the planks.
Here, it is the beating
of his hideous heart.
- No, it sounds like chanting.
Good boy, Chad.
Sniff it out.
- Hm?
- That's kind of weird.
- [gasps]
[laughs]
- Lord Boom Boom Baggy Britches
was a clown's clown.
We all have big,
floppy shoes to fill.
Lord Boom Boom's horn would now
like to say a few words.
[honking]
If you please.
- [playing kazoo]
- At this time,
you may pay your respect.
- [sobbing]
- [sobbing]
- Oh, I really wanna know where
all that noise is coming from.
It could just be the pipes,
right?
I mean,
this place is pretty old.
Stuff rattles and creeks,
and
- Ooooooh.
[all screaming]
- [laughs]
[tense music]
[all scream]
- Gina, I thought so.
- You should have seen
the looks on your faces.
Your fear makes me
feel so alive.
- Beat it, Gina.
We've got stuff to do.
You're in our way.
- Not a chance, Nate.
I'm staying right here
with you to keep an eye on you
and make
your silly machinations
all come to a screeching halt.
- Machina--what?
Look, I don't know what
that means, but I don't care.
- Whatever, Nate.
- Whatever, Gina.
- Mmm.
I smell the beguiling aroma
of mystery meat.
I'm going to the cafeteria.
- Oh, that's a good idea, Chad.
We could decorate the cafeteria
just to be safe.
- I've been phoning
all night and morning
[all sobbing]
I heard you say,
"Tell him I'm not home"
Now you're confessing
- My makeup, it runs!
Ahh!
[tires screeching]
[crash]
[car alarm beeping]
[gasps]
[doorbell rings]
- Ahh!
- Ahh!
- What do you think
you're doing scaring my baby?
We're calling the police.
- What?
No, you don't understand.
My car!
- Brutus, kill.
[dog growls]
[dog barks]
- Ahh!
Ahh!
[splash]
[tense music]
- [grunting]
Well, hello, how are you?
I really like your--ahh!
- Chad, Chad!
- I knew it.
It's all connected.
This is just like the legend
of the horrible coven
of man-witches.
It all starts
with disappearing kids!
all: Huh?
[screaming]
- Is that--is that blood?
[both screaming]
[growl]
all: huh?
- You've hired somebody
to run around in a costume?
- No, I didn't do that.
I swear it.
- Right, whoever you are,
I'm going to stop you
from helping Nate.
He will not get out
of any tests.
Got you now,
Nate's co-conspirator!
- Huh, there's no one there!
- That's it, I'm outta here.
- I don't get it.
It's not possible.
Ahh!
all: Ahh!
- Oh, oh no, oh no.
The alarm's been set!
- If we trigger the alarm,
we'll get expelled,
which if I wanna go
to medical school
and eventually become
a highly paid ear, nose,
and throat specialist,
cannot happen.
- [gasps]
We're trapped.
- Wait, look.
- Teddy's already outside!
- Without triggering the alarm.
- How does he always do that?
And how we gonna get out?
- Don't give up hope, boys.
I know exactly how
to disarm this alarm.
- You do?
- How and why?
- This alarm is just like
the system I practiced on
for my role as Diamond Sal,
professional safecracker
and former Navy SEAL
wronged by the government
she loved.
It was a very complex part.
Now silence.
I need a minute
to get back into character
so I can crack the code.
- Hang on, I think there's
something wrong with me.
I think my conscience
is telling me
to go back and save Gina.
- What?
That's crazy.
- Yeah, you're right.
Let's get the heck outta here.
Wait, I just remembered Chad.
- Oh yeah, Chad.
- Oh yeah, Chad.
- Guys, we can't
let them get eaten.
- We don't know
they're being eaten.
[eating noises]
all: Ahh!
- Huh, that is clearly
what Chad and Gina
sound like while being eaten.
I'm gonna go save them.
- We'll go with you, Nate.
- We will?
- We will.
- No, I want you
to go on without me.
Tell my story.
Tell everyone
what happened here.
Put a nice soundtrack
underneath
with crescendoing violins,
maybe an obo or two.
- Hello, can you help me?
- Huh?
- I just need a hand out.
- Ahh!
- Wait, no, don't run away.
I need help.
[dramatic music]
- All right, here goes nothing.
[voices chanting]
- [gulps]
- Rise, rise, rise
- [gasps]
- Rise!
- Bring forth the blob.
- Blob, blob!
- Oh, this is so not good.
- Diamond Sal, she's the girl,
a total waif,
who can crack any safe,
or open a door.
- Whatever, Diamond Sal.
Let's just get out of here.
[alarm blaring]
[police siren wails]
- Hello, hello, I'm down here!
[chuckles]
- Hey, Joe, somebody triggered
the alarm at the middle school.
- Eh, it's just P.S. 38,
not like it's at Jefferson
or somewhere important.
- Better take a look anyway.
[siren wails]
- Ah!
- All right,
you stay here, clown.
We'll be right back.
- Be free,
Nate's crazy clown dad.
- Thanks--Teddy?
Why are you here?
- Oh, I'm just waiting around
because Nate is trapped
in the school
with some witches.
Yeah, you know, the ush.
- Well, this sounds like a job
for a middle-aged man
wearing a clown suit.
Nate, Nate!
- Rise, rise.
- Oh no, they're gonna feed
Gina and Chad
to that horrible blob.
- Rise!
- Ooh.
- Rise!
- No, I won't let you eat them!
[screaming]
- What are you doing,
you doorknob?
- I'm trying to save you
and Chad from the man-witches.
- [groans]
Mr. Rosa?
- We're not witches
of any kind.
- Wait, what?
What's going on?
Principal Nichols?
Coach John?
Mr. Galvin?
I don't get it.
What's with all the creepy
dough everywhere?
- We're practicing to win
the big Middle School
baking competition.
- We've created a special
triple-decker,
deep-dish pie cake.
- It's a pizza, a pie,
and a cake, get it?
- Yeah, but why are you wearing
those creepy robes and hoods?
- To keep our clothes clean
while we're baking.
Do you know how hard it is
to get pepperoni stains
out of a pair of khakis?
- We discovered
that the old boiler was
the perfect brick oven to work
on our special pizza
for the competition.
Kismet
- It's a pizza,
a pie, and a cake.
Get it?
You get it?
- They get it, John.
They're hip happening kids.
Be quiet now.
- That explains
the big blobby monster.
You were just feeding
a yeast mixture
in order for the dough to rise.
- Exactly.
- Which also explains
the thumping ghost bowl
in the oven in the cafeteria.
And the bloody handprint was
actually just
a marinara pizza sauce.
Oh, and that's the weird
eating sound we heard earlier.
Mmm, mm-hmm, whoa, okay.
Yeah, I see
what you did wrong here.
You got the ratio all wrong
for the amounts of yeast,
sugar, and flour.
Let's just see here.
Do a little bit of this,
stir this.
Yeah, I think
you're gonna find this
a better mix for your dough.
- Nate Wright, have you
really been paying attention
in my chemistry class?
- Pfft, no.
- But you've actually learned
about chemistry.
- Look, I just know about pizza
and baking, I guess.
- Baking is chemistry.
- Whoa, mind blown.
[crash]
Dad?
- I'm here to save you, son,
because I heard
about the witches,
and thank heavens you're okay.
And I was on my way home
because all I really wanted
to do
is just be a good clown
for my friend but was I?
I scared a child,
wallowed in sewage.
How does that honor
the memory of a fallen clown?
Ahh!
[door creaks]
- What's going on here?
- You can't take me again!
[comical music]
- [laughs]
- Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahh-ahh-ahh!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Oh, yeah,
It's a beautiful day.
Yeah, Mr. Galvin
actually canceled class
because he was so tired
from being up all night.
So I've gotten myself
and all my friends out of that
horrible chemistry test.
Yep, it promises
to be the best day ever.
- All right, class.
Welcome to the surprise
midterm social studies test.
- Guess there really
are witches in this school.
- [cackling]
[spooky music]