Bizaardvark (2016) s01e13 Episode Script

1 (both sigh) Both: Did you say something? No.
Oh! (both sigh) Why are we having such a tough time coming up with a new song? It wasn't this hard to write "Love for the Haters" or "The Comeback Song.
" I know! What do all of those songs have in common? They've all made zero dollars! True! Also, all of our songs have been inspired by bad things happening in our lives.
Now that I think about it, life's been pretty good lately.
Maybe that's why our lyrics have been so unfunny.
(jazzy melody playing) Found forty dollars on the street Sometimes life is really neat! Got an "A" on our history test Sometimes school is just the best! Life is awesome awesome, awesome - It's hard to rhyme "awesome" - And that's okay! Have I really been smiling that much? How have you not punched me in the face? I couldn't make a fist! Life's been so good, I've just been going like this all the time.
I guess we just need bad things to happen to us to write great songs.
It almost makes me wish bad things would start happening to us right now.
(electrical crackling) Whoa I have powers! I wish that bully Tanya Wilcox would fall down the stairs! Now we wait.
(theme music playing) Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
It's terrible, Frankie! It's terrible! Oh no! Your parents found that stuffed animal you practice kissing on? His name is Kissy Koala and we don't practice anymore.
Anyway, bad things are happening.
My bike tire popped on the way to school, I lost my cell phone, and I found a rotten tuna sandwich in my backpack.
- With celery or without? - With! Oh! Gross! - (splats) - (man groans) Don't you see what's going on? The universe heard your wish for bad things to happen.
Now, we're cursed.
Paige, you say this every time something bad happens to us.
We're not cursed.
If we were, bad things would be happening to me too.
- Hi! - (both scream) It's me, Belissa, Bizaardvark's biggest fan! How do you always sneak up on us like that? Easy.
I just find out where you're going to be and then sleep there the night before.
That's horrifying.
What are you doing at Vuuugle? I got an internship here! It's not much, only ten bucks a day, but that's all they asked for.
I would've paid a hundred! Are you going to be here a lot? All the time! I get to sort the mail, make announcements over the PA system, open your mail.
I don't think that last one's Don't worry.
I'll throw away all the fan mail that isn't from me.
(laughs) I don't like competition.
Bye! (whistling) My mess! What happened to my beautiful mess? Surprise! I decluttered your studio! My chemicals, color-coordinated? Chainsaws on hangers? (shrieks) Stackable bins! Thanks for watching a perfectly perfect first installment of "Amelia's Ambush Decluttering.
" And cut.
Dirk, can we do one where instead of freaking out, you give me a hug and call me a miracle worker? Where's my lucky bandage? Your lucky what? My great-grandpa-bro's Lucky Dare Bandage.
Okay.
I understand even less now.
The year was a long time ago.
My great-grandpa-bro was the most famous dare man in the country.
He wowed fans with his incredible dares and crowd-pleasing catchphrases.
He rubbed the same bandage before every dare for good luck.
Great-Grandpa-Bro's lucky bandage was passed through the generations to me.
I've never done a dare without wearing it, and I've got a huge one coming up.
Wow, Dirk, this really means a lot to you.
I understand your pain.
My great-grandma was a famous narcissist, and she passed down a precious family heirloom to me.
This smile! Yeah, you get it.
You can't do a video without your smile, Amelia, and I can't do a dare without my bandage.
Whoa.
When you replaced your name with mine in this situation, it made me feel an emotion I've never felt for another person before.
I care.
Dirk, I will help you find your lucky bandage, or my name isn't Amelia Duckworth.
Your last name is Duckworth? I've got 17 questions.
One No.
My parents aren't ducks.
No more questions.
Hey! Paige, come on.
We really need to write a song.
When you're cursed, you have to enter rooms backwards to make sure the evil spirits don't follow you in.
That's what it says in Superstitions: The Super Edition.
More like Stupid-stitions: The Stupid Edition.
Up top! Now you made a joke about them, which means I have to add the three spins.
Sorry, universe.
Sorry, universe.
Sorry, universe.
Paige, there's no such thing as a curse.
Maybe that should be the name of our song.
There's no such thing as a curse - (crackles) - Oh! Touch your toes, touch the sky.
Touch your toes, touch the sky.
That was just a coincidence.
Uh I'll try your guitar.
- (crackles) - Oh my Coincidence, also a coincidence.
- Touch your toes, touch the sky.
- Sorry, universe.
- Touch your toes, touch the sky.
- Sorry, universe.
Bad things for Bizaardvark equals good songs for Bizaardvark.
I guess we just need bad things to happen to us to write great songs.
It almost makes me wish bad things would start happening to us right now.
(electricity crackling) Ooh, that light looks heavy.
- Touch your toes - Sorry, universe I'm helping.
But when it can't escape the planet's orbit, we call that "asteroid capture.
" Both: Princeps vale et gratias pro omnibus musica - (clears throat) - Ah! Ms.
Tyson, you messed up our chant! Now we gotta start over.
Both: Princeps vale et gratias pro omnibus musica Girls, does what you're saying have anything to do with science? It has everything to do with science.
Frankie made a wish for bad things to happen, and now we're cursed by unnatural dark forces beyond our control! You've gotta help us, Ms.
Tyson! Use your science magic! Hey, Gary.
Frankie, why don't you come down to the board and solve this problem? To the board? But I'm safe here.
You can do this.
Throw salt for good luck! Don't step on any cracks! - Don't write the number 13! - But the answer's 13! - It's not.
- Oh.
Whew.
I did it.
Maybe the universe isn't out to get us anymore.
And snip.
What was that? It was the universe! Great news! I found your lucky bandage! No way! You're amazing, Amelia.
I bet your duck parents are so proud of you.
They're not ducks Doesn't matter.
All right.
Time to get back to doing dares.
Here we go! Here we go! Something doesn't feel right.
Maybe I put it on too tight? Great-Grandpa-Bro's lucky bandage had a blood and sweat stain that formed a "D.
" There's no "D" on this one.
That's because I cleaned it.
(sniffs) It smells like strawberry.
With strawberry soap? Is that glitter? Okay, fine.
I made the bandage! And when I do something, I do it pretty.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.
It's okay, Amelia.
I guess I just have to accept that my lucky bandage is gone and probably in a Dumpster somewhere.
Here I cry.
(weeping) I can't believe how many bad things happened to us today.
We definitely should not have gone to ceramics class.
(thud, creaking) Oh no! Now there's a ghost in your closet.
I'm gonna bash him with my vase before he kills us! Both: One, two, three.
(screams) Hi! It's me, Belissa, Bizaardvark's biggest fan! Belissa? What are you doing in my closet? And why are you holding those garden shears? Well, I tried to use these, but they couldn't cut through your shirts.
Oh my You guys will never guess what I've been up to.
You know how you said you needed bad things to happen in order to write good songs? I'm the reason all those bad things have been happening.
What are you talking about? You mean the light that fell in our studio? Me.
- The planets that hit me in the face? - Me.
That guy at school who said I have a walrus face? - (mouths) Say yes.
- Uh yes.
See? I told all you this superstitious stuff was bogus.
Belissa's just nutzoid.
Mm-hm! Belissa, you have to stop doing bad things to us.
Okay? Okay.
There's just one other tiny other thing that I kind of already set in motion.
The mayor's mansion was broken into last night.
Witnesses reported seeing two teenagers at the scene of the crime.
Paige Olvera and Frankie Wong of the online comedy channel Biz Bizaardvark? Am I saying that right, Susan? Belissa! What have you done? I framed you and now you're wanted criminals! You guys are gonna write the best song ever! (laughs) Belissa, you framed us for a crime? What song did you possibly think we could write because of this? I don't know, I'm not really a singer.
Maybe something like Going away to prison Doing 25 years to life Wow, you have a really good voice.
Yeah, I'm so moved by it, I'm shaking.
Or maybe that's because I'm about to go to prison for 25 years to life! (sirens blaring) You have to undo what you did.
That's gonna be hard considering I made molds of your fingerprints and left them at the scene.
Also, I mailed in a confession letter saying that you did it, and I addressed it to "You Bumbling Cops and Your Ugly Wives.
" Frankie, what are we gonna do? We need a way out of this mess.
Don't worry, I have a Plan B.
Quick! To the getaway car! - Both: Getaway car? - I said quick! The getaway car is an ice cream truck? Did you steal it? Of course not.
You did.
Wink.
(sirens blaring) Yay! A police chase! Things look really bad for you guys.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you did it.
We didn't do it! Oh! Who's driving this truck, anyway? My cousin, Carl.
Don't worry, he has a lot of experience running from the cops.
Don't you, Carl? (ice cream truck music playing) Policeman (over bullhorn): Paige and Frankie, this is the police.
We know you're in there.
Pull the truck over.
Hello, police? This is Paige.
We just wanted to say that we're innocent and this is all a big misunderstanding.
We don't believe you.
We have 2,000 ice cream sandwiches and we're willing to negotiate.
Hang on.
Do you have icy pops? Uh Uh, um Would you accept the little ghost ones, with the gumball eyes? I don't know, let me check with my "ugly wife.
" He got my letter! Floor it, Carl! - (engine revs) - (music playing) Ta-da! You said your bandage was in the Dumpster, so I brought the Dumpster to you! Wow.
Thanks, Amelia.
I can't believe you would jump in the garbage just to find my bandage.
Huh? Oh, no.
This is my "Standing Next to a Dumpster" outfit.
I figured you would do more of the "garbage touching" part.
Well, either way, I appreciate it.
It's been a few days since my last Dumpster dive.
It's good for the soul.
Woo! That'll wake you up! All right, I'm going under.
I just found this! A pomegranate scrub? What is this, 2012? Oh, this is from 2012.
It's no use.
This is pointless.
You still didn't find it? Did you look everywhere? Everywhere but Garbage Cove.
Okay.
I'm glad you asked.
Garbage Cove is a small corner of the Dumpster that I can't fit my arms in 'cause they're too big.
I guess we'll just have to give up the search.
Dirk, wait! I will go to Garbage Cove.
(screams) My hair! My skin! My everything! How could someone throw away my book? Amelia, I really appreciate you doing this for me.
Now listen carefully, because it's easy to get lost down there.
First, dive straight down until you hit the rotting bushel of bananas.
Ew.
Then veer left until you hit Diaper Mountain.
Gross.
You'll then meet a rat.
If the bottom of the Dumpster you wish to see, you must ask him these questions three.
Yeah, we're not doing that.
You know what? You don't need any good luck charms.
The most important thing you inherited from your great-grandpa-bro wasn't his lucky bandage.
It was his courage.
Are you sure? 'Cause I haven't done a single dare without it.
Look, Dirk.
If I could dive into this Dumpster of garbage, you can do your dare without your bandage.
You're right.
I can do this.
Let's go! It's about time.
'Cause I think your rat friend is nibbling on my foot! Oh, Amelia, you're so naive.
It could be any number of rats.
(gasps) (screams) Hey! Hey! We're on the run from the cops and you're eating ice cream? I'm eating up my feelings! What are your feelings? (shrieking) (brakes squeak) - We're here.
- Where? Home.
We're going to live here together until it's safe to leave.
We'll stay as many years as we have to.
Years? Did she say years? We have to call our parents and let them know what's going on.
I don't have a phone because someone replaced it with a tuna sandwich.
It was me! I have mine! But I only have enough battery power left for one text.
Shoot! I meant to text an SOS emoji, but I accidentally texted a "poop" emoji.
And now my phone's dead.
Really? You saved that much time not typing "Help"? Type out a whole word? Like an animal? Wait.
That's actually a great idea for a song: "Oops I Texted the Wrong Emoji.
" Hey, yeah! Like when your mom asks if you're gonna be home before curfew and you mean to send a thumbs up, but you accidentally send a poop emoji.
Yeah, I should probably just delete the poop emoji from my phone.
This should be the first song we write when we get to prison! If we end up in different cells, we'll train a cockroach to pass our lyrics back and forth.
Yes! We did it! Be-liss-a! Be-liss-a! Be-liss-a! Wait, what's going on? You are going to love this! - What the - We're in Vuuugle? You said you needed bad things to happen to write good songs.
So I made you believe that you were fugitives.
All these guys from Vuuugle helped me fake everything, from the lighting to the siren sounds.
I was the newscaster.
And the cop.
(cockney accent) And the chimney sweep, guv'nah! (normal voice) But that part got cut.
I'll leave my headshot and resume at the front desk.
So you tried to help us by making us think we were framed for a crime and going to jail? Now accepting hugs! Hey, I have an idea.
How about I hug you around the neck, with my hands.
What she means is Well, I guess she said what she meant.
But thanks for the song idea.
I guess.
I don't know.
I'm getting ice cream.
(pop melody playing) Went on a date with a boy named Ben He said he'd like to see me again I meant to send him a smiley face But sent a puking guy in its place Oops! Wrong emoji There's no second date Oops! Wrong emoji He was my soul mate Oops! Wrong emoji I'm alone for prom I know a girl her name is Jess She asked me how she looked in this dress I meant to send her a compliment But accidentally sent an elephant Oops! Wrong emoji Now I have no friends Oops! Wrong emoji Cannot make amends Oops! Wrong emoji Lost my ride to school Went to text my Grandpa Hugh 'Cause today he turns 82 I meant to send a cake on my phone But accidentally sent this tombstone Oops! Wrong emoji I'm out of the will Oops! Wrong emoji Not my fault, but still Oops! Wrong emoji Probably should have called Oops! Wrong emoji Oops! Wrong emoji Oops! Wrong emoji Probably should have called So, everything our superfan did kind of worked, in a really strange and disturbing way.
What I'm hearing is: "Keep doing what you're doing.
" Belissa away! Do you think she really believes that she's flying? Honestly, so much has happened this week, I'm not sure I'm not flying.
Hey, Meels.
I'm glad you're here.
I'm about to do that huge dare I was telling you about: eating a piece of organic kale.
Wooo! So gross! Wait.
This is the big dare I swam through garbage for? Yeah.
You made me feel feelings, Dirk! You're welcome.
I just hope I can do what you say and eat this mountain of kale without my lucky bandage.
- There's really only one - Here we go! Yes! I did a dare without my lucky bandage and nothing bad happened! What's that on your shoe? Great-Grandpa-Bro's lucky dare bandage! It was with me the whole time.
That's why nothing bad happened to me!