Bojack Horseman (2014) s01e13 Episode Script

1 Joy to the world, Todd is here He drank up all your beer Oh, I'm sorry, did I startle you with holiday cheer and good will towards man? No, I just had this terrible dream that you were a person that existed and that you were in my room for some reason.
And then I woke up and it was true.
Do you know what day it is? Oh, shit, is it like our anniversary of that one day that I forgot to tell you how annoying you are? No, that was July 14th.
You can remember it because it's also Bastille Day.
- Christ, are you annoying.
- BoJack, it's Christmas! Well, don't get too excited.
I didn't get you shit.
Ha! Shows what you know.
When you were passed out, I used your credit card to buy me this new hat.
Merry Christmas to me.
It looks exactly like your old hat.
Yeah, it's my favorite kind of hat.
Thanks, buddy! Okay, great, Christmas transaction complete.
Please leave now.
Or we could watch Sabrina's Christmas Wish.
Hard pass.
What? Come on, you love Horsin' Around! Yeah, but I always skip the Christmas ones.
Because the themes of family and togetherness are a chilling reminder of your own isolation? No, but thank you for that.
Todd, special holiday episodes are always stupid.
Cynical cash grabs by greedy corporations looking to squeeze a few extra Nielsen points out of sentimental claptrap for mush-brained idiots who'd rather spend their Christmas watching a fake family on TV than actually trying to have a conversation with their own dumb families.
I like it when people on TV hug each other.
Oh, come on, buddy! It's Christmas! Fine, if it'll make you shut up, I begrudgingly acquiesce to a half-hour of shared holiday acknowledgment, but only because I get a residual check every time somebody watches one of them.
Hurray! Begrudging acquiescence! Three little orphans, one, two, three Without a home or a family tree Until this horse said, "Live with me!" And now we've got a new family We're laughin' and learnin' and lovin' a lot Every new day is a dream We were lost and now we're found And we're Horsin' Around Horsin' Around is filmed before a live studio audience.
Eggs sunny side up, just like you like 'em.
The hash has been thoroughly browned and your pancakes have extra chocolate chips.
- Any questions? - Just the one.
Who are you and what have you done with Olivia? Can't a sweet, young, lovable orphan make breakfast for her favorite horse without having ulterior motives? You're right, I'm sorry, Olivia, this is very sweet.
- And speaking of ulterior motives - Well, I walked into that one.
That cute leather jacket I like is on sale at the galleria.
As always, all roads lead to a cute leather jacket.
I gotta say, I've never understood the appeal of fashionable clothing.
Um, that's the understatement of the century.
Trends come and go, but give me a pair of sensible winter socks, and for years to come, I can keep my tootsies toasty.
Haven't you kids ever heard that it's better to give than to receive? Well, by that logic, isn't giving you the opportunity to give me a leather jacket really the best gift of all? Well, I've heard of a one jacket mind, but this is ridiculous.
"One jacket mind"? What the hell is a one jacket mind? I just want to look good when I'm on the back of Joey Saratoga's motorcycle.
Besides, I've never had a Christmas before and I want to make sure this one's really special.
Hold on, you mean to tell me you've never had a Christmas at the orphanage? - What's a Christ mas? - What's a Christmas? Wha Only the most wonderful time of the year.
You hang up stockings, sing carols, - and wait up for Santa Claus.
- What's a Santa Claus? - What's a Santa Claus? - Is there an echo in here? Santa Claus is the best.
He's this jolly old fat man who lives up at the North Pole, and every year he flies all over the world leaving presents for all the good boys and girls.
We get presents just for being good? That's too much, man.
That's my favorite line! That's right, but you have to be really good because Santa Claus is always watching.
Even when we go to the bathroom? That's too much, man.
Yeah, she said it again! This Santa Claus guy sounds like a real piece of work.
Yowza-yowza-bo-bowza! You kids just wait, this is gonna be the best Christmas you ever had.
- So, better than no Christmas? - A thousand times better.
A thousand times zero is still zero.
- Ethan, you want those winter socks? - Do I? Then don't be such a wise guy over here, eh? - Is Mr.
Liberatore in? - Look at you all business.
No, "Hello, Tracy.
Your hair looks nice, Tracy.
How's your mother, Tracy?" Ah, sorry, Trace, I'm just trying to get ahead so I don't have to work on Christmas this year.
Since when do you care about workin' on Christmas? Are those little rug rats making you soft? No way, I'm still the top earner at this firm.
I'll buzz Mr.
Liberatore and let him know you're here.
I know he wanted to check your progress on the Manzanita briefs.
Tracy, if you wanted to see my briefs, all you had to do was ask.
Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were flirting with me.
Kiss her! Mr.
Liberatore is gonna make me come in on Christmas, I can feel it.
You know, he has got to be the meanest, snootiest, penny-pinchingest And he's right behind me, isn't he? Actually, I'm listening over the intercom.
Oh! I can't say I'm not disappointed.
Time was, I thought you were a go-getter.
Hey, I go, I get.
Ever since those orphans moved in, you've become awfully distracted.
If you want to be made partner, you'll have to show some initiative.
You know, Jacob Goldstein's coming in on Christmas.
- Jacob Goldstein's Jewish! - He is? The boys at the country club are not gonna like that.
Anyway, you can spend Christmas morning with your little tater tots, but I want you in here by the afternoon.
Remember, this is your career we're talking about.
- It's quiet.
- Too quiet.
And a Goober in a pear tree Go home, Goober! For your information, I was invited here personally by The Horse himself to sprinkle a little holiday magic into your dull, Gooberless lives.
Since when does Santa wear sunglasses? I thought it was time old Saint Nick got a bit of an update, you know what I'm sayin'? Let me guess, instead of "Ho, Ho, Ho," it's "Yo, Yo, Yo.
" And, uh, maybe later I could get you under the mistletoe-toe-toe? I've got three words for you Goober: No, no, no.
Kiss her! All right, Sabrina, are you ready for the big surprise? A tree inside the house? Now I've seen everything.
And that's not all.
Look who came to visit.
- Hey! Go home, Goober.
No, that's not Goober, it's Santa.
Please, I'd recognize that cologne anywhere.
You had to wear the cologne.
Ha, classic Goober.
Are you gonna keep talking? 'Cause I'll just pause it.
Okay, okay, I won't talk.
- You're getting into it, aren't you? - No, why are we doing this? You have to watch cheesy old holiday specials on Christmas, - it's tradition.
- Why? They're never any good.
Things don't become traditions because they're good, BoJack.
They become good because they're traditions.
You know, you can't just make yourself sound smart - by saying things backwards.
- Oh, I can't, can't I? Still don't believe I let you talk me into this.
And I still don't believe Goober ended up molesting all those Laker Girls.
Goober did not molest those Laker Girls, the actor who played Goober molested those Laker Girls.
- Hey, this is nice, right? - No, shut up.
All right, all right, little lady, you got me.
But, uh, listen, I'm actually workin' for Santa as one of his helpers, so anything you say to me I can relay to the big man himself.
Is there anything you want to ask Santa for? Now's your chance, anything you want.
Well, I guess what I really want is a personalized pencil set.
A pencil set? Sabrina! At the orphanage, I always had to share everything.
If I pencils that had my name on them, everyone would know, "Hey, these pencils are Sabrina's! Hands off, bumsky!" I don't think you're getting this whole Christmas thing.
You can ask for anything, you don't have to be shy.
Well, I guess I wouldn't mind a Pretty Pony Princess play set.
Now you're thinking Christmas.
Keep going, what do you want more than anything else in the world? - I can ask Santa for anything? - Anything at all.
And if I'm good, Santa has to give it to me? That's the deal, as long as you're good, all your Christmas dreams will come true.
Okay, I know what I want.
Santa, I want my Mommy and Daddy to come back! - Aww.
- Aww.
- Ooh! - This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
Look how sad you are, you're a really good actor.
Are you gonna interrupt every five minutes? - Because I will ask you to leave.
- And spend Christmas by yourself? No one should be alone on Christmas.
Did we learn nothing from John McClane in "Die Hard"? John McClane was alone on Christmas, that's how he saved the day.
He wasn't alone, he had that cop helping him, the dad from Family Matters.
That wasn't the dad from Family Matters, it was just the same actor.
I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be the same character, - they're both cops.
- Yeah, but one was a cop in Los Angeles - and the other was a cop in Chicago.
- Maybe he moved.
He didn't move, they had different names! Witness Protection.
- Hey, this is nice, right? - No! Oh, Charles Krauthammer, you have done it again.
Yes, Mr.
Liberatore.
Of course, Mr.
Liberatore, I'll get right on it, sir.
Yeesh, I've heard of being a work horse, but this is ridiculous.
I just hate that he's making you work on Christmas.
- What is this, Communist Russia? - I know, it's a bummer, but we can find other times to be together.
Hey, maybe I'll chaperone your prom.
I can meet all your friends, talk you up to this Joey Saratoga fella, maybe even take a spin on the dance floor.
You know, back in my day, I could really bust the regular move.
Well, just got done shoveling the walk! I'm being really good just so there's no confusion for Santa over whether or not he should make my Christmas wish come true.
Santa, if you're listening, I'm Sabrina! Sabrina, I'm glad you're getting into the Christmas spirit, but, you know, bringing your parents back is a pretty tall order.
Not for Santa.
Santa can do anything, just as long as I believe, right, guys? You wanna handle this one? Sabrina, there are some things even Santa can't do.
Okay, I get what's happening.
You're trying to make me think Santa won't bring me my Mommy and Daddy so that when he does, I'll be even more surprised.
Just when I thought Christmas couldn't get any more magical.
See you later! I've heard of great Christmas expectations, but this is ridiculous.
Now no matter what Santa brings, she'll go from "reindeer" to "reindon't.
" What are we gonna do? Horse, maybe you should tell her that her parents aren't coming.
I can't do that, she'll never believe in Santa Claus again.
And we're sure Santa can't bring people back from the dead? On Dancer, on Prancer, on Necromancer? I'm thinkin' no.
Oh, my God, I got it.
Maybe if we can trick her into being bad, she'll think Santa's mad at her.
That way, when Christmas comes and her parents don't show up, she'll just think it's her own fault.
Brilliant! She'll still believe in Santa, plus she'll be extra well-behaved for the whole year so she doesn't blow it again.
Hold on, you kids want me to trick Sabrina into being bad just so she won't stop believing Santa? Never in a million years would I resort to something so low.
No, we better keep brainstorming because I am definitely not doing that idea.
How desperate do you think I am? You are really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one.
No, I will clearly not be pursuing that line of action.
No way, no how.
So, you want me to sit here and watch the cookies but not eat them? This seems like a trick.
He's doing the thing he said he wasn't gonna do! These cookies are for Santa.
If anyone eats them, he'll be really mad.
I need you to guard them.
It's a very important job.
Well, I guess it is about time I start earning my keep around here.
I knew I could count on you.
Remember, no matter what, don't eat these delicious, home made, fresh out of the oven, warm, gooey, chocolate chip delights.
I'll leave you here alone with these cookies which are delicious.
Okay, cookies, it's just you and me.
Ooh, they look so yummy.
What would Mommy and Daddy say? "Sabrina, I'm your Daddy and I say, 'Don't eat the cookies!'" "Listen to your Father, honey, he knows what's best.
" Okay, Mommy and Daddy, I love you.
I don't think she's taking the bait.
That's because you didn't put any milk out.
You can't have cookies without milk.
- That's like Wang without the Chung.
- Any chance she'll crack? I'd say your odds are about as good as a democrat being elected president.
Yeesh, I've heard of "lookie, lookie, don't eat the cookie," but this is ridiculous.
What? You guys got any other bright ideas? Maybe I should go eat the cookies? Well, if she's not gonna, somebody should.
- Oh, my God, it's Christmas! - Oh, it's Christmas! Yes, sensible winter socks! You knew! - Ooh, what could this be? - Well, I wanted to make sure you look really cool on the back of that motorcycle.
You didn't! You didn't! You didn't.
Motorcycle crashes are one of the leading causes of brain injury.
If Joey Saratoga doesn't care about this, then Joey Saratoga doesn't care about you.
Wow, this present shows you really care, so in a way it's even cooler than a new leather jacket.
Take it from me, being safe is totally radical.
Is this my present? It's a Pretty Pony Princess play set, just like you asked for.
- Is that it? - Well, it's pretty cool.
She comes with a tiara and everything.
Oh, okay.
And cue the waterworks in 30, 29, 28 four, three, two, and - Hey, what's this? - A letter? Who could this be from? Open it, Sabrina.
Oh, wow.
Wow! - Wow! - What does it say? How should I know? I can't read.
"Dear Sabrina, this is a letter from your parents.
Even though we can't be with you on Christmas, we're in heaven looking down on you and we want you to know we love you very much.
You are a good girl and we are very proud of you.
Love, Your Mommy and Daddy.
" Isn't that great, Sabrina? A letter from your Mom and Dad.
- No, that's not what I asked for.
- Sabrina I didn't want a stupid letter, I wanted my Mommy and Daddy.
- I know you're upset, but - I hate this.
I hate Santa Claus and I hate trees and I hate you and I hate Christmas! Was it something I said? Why would it be something Ethan said? No, that's the joke, it wasn't something Ethan said, - that's why it's funny.
- Oh Okay.
- Can I come in? - Even if I say no, it's not like anyone ever listens to what I want.
Sabrina, I really screwed things up.
I got so excited trying to make you excited, I forgot the true meaning of Christmas.
Christmas isn't about getting everything you want.
It's about being around the people that care about you.
I did everything right.
Why wouldn't Santa Claus want me to be happy? I'm sure he does, he just Santa Claus works in mysterious ways.
It's like when I make you eat vegetables.
Sure, they taste yucky, but you have to trust that I know what's good for you.
So, Santa Claus made my parents dead because - he thinks it's good for me? - Yeah No! - Santa Claus didn't make your parents dead.
- But he didn't save them either.
No, he That's not how Santa works.
You said Santa Claus is always watching, so if he's watching why doesn't he help us? Does he enjoy watching us be sad? Is that how he gets his kicks? - No! - Are we all just pawns in Santa's sick game? What kind of pervert is he? Oh, no, Santa's watching us right now! I'm sorry, Santa! I didn't mean it.
Please don't hurt the people I love.
No, Sabrina, Santa Claus isn't real.
What? He's a lie that grownups made up because we like to believe that there's an order to the universe and that good behavior will lead to happiness, but the fact is that just isn't true.
What? You can't be good just because you think some fat guy in a red suit is gonna bring you presents.
You have to be good just to be good.
That's all there is.
- Whoa - Look, I don't know why things happen, I don't know why some people get everything and some people are orphans.
All I know is I spent last Christmas alone at my office.
I didn't get a tree, I didn't put up any decorations or sing carols, and I didn't try to get any little girls to believe in Santa Claus.
Sabrina, you and Olivia and Ethan are the best things that have ever happened to me, and if it took your parents dying for you to be part of my life, well, then I'm glad your parents died.
Oh, you don't mean that.
No, I do, I'm glad your parents are dead and are never coming back.
Well, when you put it that way, I guess I am, too.
I know that sometimes I make a mess of this whole thing, a horse raising three human kids while also juggling work and trying to have a love life thing, - but there's one more present.
- Is it from Santa Claus? - No, it's from me.
- Oh! Wow, pencils! What do they say? - Sound it out.
- Sa Sab Sabrin rine rine Sab Sabrine Sabrinay.
Sabrinay.
- It says Sabrina.
- Oh! I can't bring your Mommy and Daddy back, but as long as I'm around, you'll always have a place to keep your pencils.
Thanks.
Maybe it's just because I never had a Christmas before, but this is the best Christmas I've ever had.
Me, too.
Olivia, Ethan, look what I got! Hello? Listen, Mr.
Liberatore, I've given it a lot of thought and I'm not Well, I'm not comin' in to work today.
If I have to choose between my career and the people I care about, well, then I'm sorry, but I'm putting people first.
You know, it took guts to call in and tell me that, the kind of guts we need on our executive board.
If that Scrooge, Jacob Goldstein, wants to work on Christmas, - he can work somewhere else! - Fire that Jew! I'm making you partner.
Well, I'm really glad to hear that, Mr.
Liberatore.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go spend Christmas with the people I love.
Hi, I'm a Pretty Pony Princess.
I'm a pencil.
Well, I guess everything turned out okay.
How'd you get her to come back down? Let's just say I made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
Yowza-yowza-bo-bowza! Well, I gotta hand it to you, even though it didn't work, that letter you wrote was really something.
I didn't write that letter.
I thought you wrote that letter.
- I didn't write the letter.
- Wasn't me.
Then where'd it come from? Ho, ho, ho! Well, that sucked.
So the letter was actually from her parents? Uh, I think it was from Santa.
That's why there was a "ho, ho, ho" voice at the end.
So in the world of this show, there is a Santa.
No, I don't know, we were all on cocaine.
God, I can't believe I spent nine years of my life - making that dumb show.
- It wasn't all dumb, BoJack.
The episode where Sabrina had a black friend really started the conversation about racism.
And the episode where Ethan looked directly at a solar eclipse really started the conversation about not looking directly at a solar eclipse.
- Yeah - Well, anyway, Merry Christmas.
I know, it's really just another day in a year full of days, nothing all that special about it other than the significance we give it, but still, I'm glad I got to spend part of the day with you, BoJack.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, um, Horsin' Around had eight other Christmas episodes.
If you're not doing anything else today, we could watch another one, I mean, just to see how stupid it is.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
But don't talk in the middle of it.
- Zip! - You can talk a little bit.
- Don't be weird about it.
- Okay.
Hey, after we watch "Horsin' Around," - can we make holiday cookies? - No.
- Can we sing carols? - No.
- Can we roast a Christmas goose? - No.
- Can we play dreidel? - No.
- Can we get a tree? - No.
- Doesn't have to be a Christmas tree.
- Still no.
- Can we be visited by three spirits? - No.
- Can we be visited by three kings? - No.
Can we go outside and make snow angels? What snow? It's 72 degrees out.
- Can we make driveway gravel angels? - No.
- Can we drink eggnog? - No.
- Bourbon and eggnog? - No.
- What about just bourbon? - Fine.
It's Christmas time again And that means Santa's in his sled He's flyin' through the night time Got presents in the morning It's Christmas time again And that means sleighin' with your friends Eatin' cookies by the fire You can't sleep 'cause you're not tired It's Christmas time and all your friends are here It's Christmas time let's ring in the New Year Let's light the tree and talk about the past Do you believe in I believe in you, Santa It's a Kazzaz-trophe!