Brothers (2009) s01e13 Episode Script
Follow the Story
So do you know if it's a boy or a girl? I sure do.
It is a big, healthy boy.
Ah.
Have you picked out a name? I have.
I'm gonna call him Cody.
That's a great name.
Wait a second.
Don't you already have a son named Cody? Yeah.
That worked out good.
My theory is if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Well, what were you gonna do if it were a girl? Codine.
Uh, hello.
Welcome to Trainor's.
May I help you? Yeah.
I'm looking for Mike Trainor.
Oh, he's over there behind the bar.
Are you a process server? I would have thought you'd ask me that question before you told me where he was.
Yeah.
No.
Thanks.
Michael Trainor? Meg Hutchinson, "psen magazine.
" Hey, nice to meet you, Meg.
Wow.
I haven't heard from you guys since we won the super bowl.
Listen.
I am a really big fan of yours, and I would love to do a cover story about you for our magazine.
Wait.
I don't remember you guys ever doing a cover story on a retired player.
You'll be our first.
That's our angle.
What does a future hall-of-famer do next? That's a good question.
Could the answer be Meg hutchinson? I'm flattered, but no, thank you.
I'm married.
Ok.
So, um, how do you wanna do this? I'd love to spend some time getting to know you and your family and just discuss where you are in your life right now.
Sounds good.
Great.
How 'bout we start tomorrow? If you're free.
Yeah.
I'll be here.
2:00? It's a date.
All right.
But not a date date, because you're married.
But, um, are you happily married? Ah heh.
Yes.
I will see you tomorrow.
What's happenin', partner? Oh, cover story of "psen magazine.
" I mean, chill, it's the biggest sports magazine in the country.
The last guy on the cover, he got a movie deal.
This could be my entree into Hollywood.
You're lookin' at the next great action hero.
Yeah, I could see it now.
"Rambroke.
" "I'll come save you.
Just help me with some gas money.
" 3 in a row.
The tigers are on the prowl, Adele.
We can't be stopped.
Oh, it was a great game, coach.
And watching you out there on that field being in charge made me wanna shake my pompoms.
Did you hear me cheering for you? Mm-hmm.
Adele Uh-huh.
Adele, come on.
We can't.
Sure, we can.
The boys aren't home.
There's nobody around to hear you scream.
Adele, come on, now.
I mean it.
No means no.
We haven't had sex, and the team hasn't lost.
That can't be a coincidence.
Oh, that's insane.
You think abstinence is gonna ensure your winning streak? Is this the latest superstition? All I know is I'm not changing anything until we lose.
Including those nasty socks you refuse to wash? Including these socks.
That's disgusting.
It's called athlete's foot for a reason, Adele.
If something were to happen to these socks, my whole career could be in jeopardy.
No.
We've been through this sort of thing before, and if there were any truth to it, you never would have lost a game from the first time when you wore your shoes on the wrong feet for 6 weeks.
And yet in the face of all this logic, you still say [Together.]
This time is different.
And if you remember, the time I lost with the shoes, I lost to a guy who hadn't taken his hat off in 10 years.
That's 'cause his superstition was more super than mine.
Oh, I give up.
Look, I'm sorry, baby, but you know when you're on a streak.
Look, some guys grow beards.
Some guys wear women's underwear Anything to get an edge.
Well, I'm not married to one of those guys, and we're gonna have a problem if I catch you wearin' women's underwear.
Support hose doesn't count, right? So this reporter from "psen magazine" wants to do a cover story on me.
Really? Whoa.
That's a big deal, Mike.
And it couldn't come at a better time, pop.
I mean, the cover story could change everything.
Yeah, but this ain't your first cover.
Didn't they have you on the cover of "mad" magazine? What, me worry? Stop that.
Come on.
Let's everybody eat.
I'm not too crazy about this chili, baby.
It's a little on the bland side.
Oh, that's what happens when there's no spice in the cook's life.
What's goin' on here? The team is on this winning streak right now, and your mother just Superstitions.
Mama, they work.
We didn't shower for a month, and we won the super bowl.
Yeah, that's 'cause the other team didn't want to catch body lice.
Look, I don't believe in superstition.
I don't need that stuff to have a great life.
Knock on wood.
Wait.
Mama, where's some wood? I wouldn't know.
I haven't seen any in a long time.
Anyhow, you can't control the outcome of a sporting event unless you're playing in the sporting event.
Now, I agree with you on that, mama.
Unless you in the game, you have no effect on the outcome, unless you turn your tv off when your team start losin'.
Mm-hmm.
Well, mama, all I'm sayin' is I wore women's underwear my entire rookie season.
Turned out great for me.
We talkin' about superstitions here, not lifestyle choices.
See? I'm not alone.
Oh, yes, you are.
You know, first they double-teamed me, and then they triple-teamed me, and then they moved the running back into the slot to try to fill the gap, and that's the last thing the quarterback saw, my gap.
I was on the way to my 97th sack.
Hell, I feel like I'm writin' this for you.
Yeah.
Mike, I know all the stats, but I wanna get to know the real Mike Trainor.
I know what you want.
You wanna hear about the super bowl.
You know, they tried to cut-block me.
I just jumped over the guy.
Next thing you know, I made the game-winning sack.
That's great, Mike, but I wanna get behind the player, behind the football.
Who is Mike before the game? That's a good question.
You know, let's start with the preseason.
Then I can talk about two-a-days.
It's twice the fun.
Oh, look at the time.
Mike, we've been talking forever.
It's only been 5 minutes.
Really? Are you sure? Yeah.
You haven't even heard the best part yet.
You know, in addition to my commentating duties, I'm gonna give you the biggest scoop in the sports world.
Get ready.
Are you ready? You're not gonna tell me you're making I'm gonna make a comeback.
A comeback.
Awesome.
You know what? I thought about going into movies, but I figure I can always be a movie star.
That's always there.
So your fallback plan is to be a movie star? Yeah, and my fallback fallback plan is to be a tv star, you know, like in "24.
" I'm twice as tough as that.
You can call it "42.
" They did wear helmets when you played, right? I'm messin' with you, Meg.
Lighten up.
Heh.
Look like Mike borin' you over there, huh? Meg, this is my brother chill.
Chill, come join us.
Please.
You can give me some insight on your brother.
Don't believe a word this guy says.
Why would I have to lie? Everything about you is practically public record.
Uh, except for the time he got beat up by Janice rivers in the fifth grade.
Mama taught us never to hit girls.
Mike, that girl was practically a man, and she's still lookin' to kick your ass.
Now, that is interesting.
This is the kind of stuff I wanna hear.
Oh, I got a million stories like that.
I'm sure Mike told you that he and I were on the same high school football team, right? Well, yeah, I know he told you about that.
No, he didn't mention you.
In fact, he didn't mention anyone except himself, unless they were being tackled, sacked, or Pummeled.
Pummeled.
Well, who am I supposed to talk about? Article's about me.
Actually, I wanted to interview everyone in your life.
It'll give me a fuller picture of you.
It's just to get some background.
Ok, as long as they're in the background.
So what position did you play? What position didn't I play? Well, they utilized me mostly as a quarterback, but I still hold the high school record for the most yards gained.
Wow.
Oh, slow down, Mr.
Braggy.
I still have the NFL single-season sack record.
I know.
I was a kicker.
She doesn't care about that.
Actually, I do.
How did you become a kicker? It started one day when my shoe caught fire.
Write that down.
Yeah.
Hey, baby.
You really don't wanna be in here right now.
What did I do? You chose your football team over me.
I thought you were fine with this.
Well, I thought I was fine with it, too, but it's been festering all night, and I'm not fine with it.
In fact, I'm really not fine with it at all.
Come on, Adele.
Baby, there's only 8 more games till the end of the season.
8? That's 8 weeks.
Well, 9, actually.
We got a bye week halfway through.
Unless we make the playoffs.
Come on! Careful.
You almost hit me.
Sorry I missed.
That isn't fair.
I put up with your superstitions.
Mine aren't stupid.
Why won't you put a hat on the bed? Because the last time I did, you sat on it, and I was still wearing it.
Well, I never hear the end of sitting on your head.
No.
Well, anyway, all my superstitions work.
Really? Yeah.
Is that a fact? Yeah.
Because from where I'm standing, you're headed for a streak of bad luck.
So how's it working for Mike? Heh heh heh heh.
Let me tell you something, missy.
I read all your articles, and I know what you're trying to do.
Ok.
Enlighten me.
What am I trying to do? Trying to dig up dirt on Mike for one of your nasty little retrospectives, like you did with Tyson, callin' the man violent and such.
I just told the facts.
He bit off a man's ear.
Fine.
But you're not gonna get any dirt from me.
You think I'm gonna tell you about the time I found Mike in the walk-in freezer with those scandawegian twins, you're sadly mistaken.
But I will tell you this.
I would not eat the brisket here.
No, no, no.
Look.
I'm not trying to do a hatchet job.
I'm a fan of Mike's.
Heh.
Oh, that's what they all say right before they hatchet you.
I had a cousin who was on "to catch a predator.
" That reporter made him look like a monster.
When I was 14, I was taught it was impolite to be a tease.
I am not trying to tear Mike apart, I assure you.
Good, 'cause you'd have to get through me and his Big Brother chill.
He's very protective of Mike, and you won't hear him comin'.
Look, I wanna know things like does Mike seem to miss football? I don't think so.
I mean, sure he makes us huddle up before we open, and then we get in a 3-4 defense.
I drop back.
Chill covers the corners.
Raul gets the front door.
I don't know.
Other than that, he doesn't seem to miss it, so No, that doesn't seem like it to me either.
Well, I'm tellin' you, Mike's an all-around great guy, and if you put anything bad about him in that article, let's just put it this way.
I know people who know how to cut brakes.
And when I say, "people," I mean me.
Just sayin'.
[Coughs.]
Hey, Mike, come on, man.
Let's do this paperwork.
All right.
Hey, man, where you been? Uh, Meg wanted to talk to me some more, so we had breakfast.
What'd you tell her about me? Well, actually we didn't talk about you.
We talked about me.
Come on, man.
You mean to tell me you didn't tell her how cute of a baby I was? Mike, you wasn't that cute of a baby.
That's why when people used to look at you, they would say, "oh, look at him.
God bless his little heart.
" Heh.
Whatever.
She was probably just trying to make you feel comfortable so she can get some dirt on me.
What, like your fear of clowns? That was a childhood thing.
Man, I've outgrown that.
Look, don't worry, man.
I didn't tell her anything about your little stupid issues.
Hey, mom on the other hand's the one you need to worry about.
She always thought that clown thing was cute.
Oh, I'm not worried about mom saying anything about that clown thing.
He's afraid of clowns, terrified.
Yeah, he's lucky that none of the other teams had a clown mascot.
He'd have lost every game.
Wow.
This is interesting.
Oh, hey, I'll give you another interesting factoid.
He developed his speed by running from kittens.
Yes, he's scared of them, too.
He was scared of everything that most kids found delightful Clowns, kittens, balloons.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I forgot about the balloons.
He got it in his head that balloons were floating clown noses.
See, he grew up in the eighties.
We didn't know much about child raising back in those days.
You two are great role models.
We try to set a good example.
Yes.
We've been married for 39 years.
Ah, most of them good.
Well, what's your secret? Well, good communication.
My wife What he's trying to say is that we work really, really hard at it every day.
And some days are harder than others.
Ok.
Well, let's talk about chill.
Um, I was researching his early football career, and he broke a lot of records, too.
Chill was an amazing athlete.
Chill was one of the best players I ever coached, and I'm not just saying that because he was my son.
Chill truly would have been great.
But don't you tell Mike I told you.
Yeah, don't tell him that.
Oh, and don't ask about his widdle blankie.
Ha! He took it to his first training camp.
Oh, let me show you the pictures.
Oh.
Well, we lost.
Do you wanna do it? My husband, the sweet-talker.
Oh, I'm sorry, Adele.
You know, I just thought that abstaining was making a difference.
With that and my lucky socks, I figured we'd be unstoppable.
Well, I have something to tell you, marcel.
Chill washed your lucky socks.
I knew something was different! See, they had the dirt, but they lacked the crust.
Sorry.
Me, too.
But you don't think it was the sex or the socks, do you, marcel? Well, truth is it was the team.
You know, I just do all that stuff to try to pretend I'm in control.
Fact of the matter is once the team takes the field, coach is pretty much a spectator.
So you gonna give up on the superstition? No, that'd be, well, bad luck.
But I'm never gonna give up on you again.
Come on.
Let me take you upstairs.
I'll help you out of those support hose.
I got this trophy right here for being the mvp at the all-city tournament.
And I got this trophy right here for breaking the college freshman rushing record.
And I got this trophy right here for catching the record-setting marlin off the coast of Belize.
Wow.
I must say your attitude is incredible.
Ah, man.
Achieving what you've achieved and then having it all taken away.
Must be tough.
Well, nothing was actually taken away from me.
I mean, granted I do use a wheelchair, but it's not like my life ended.
You know, I mean, I can still do almost everything I used to do, and some things, I do better.
But you were a gifted athlete, chill.
TheThe transition must have been hard.
Well, it wasn't easy, but one day, I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I realized I was lucky to be alive.
And pretty, too.
You're pretty amazing.
I will give you that.
And you were never jealous of Mike's career? Actually, I was, but if it wasn't gonna be me, I'm glad it was him.
Hey, Meg.
Hey.
How are you, Mike? I am doin' good.
I see you brought your photographer with you.
You know, if you're here for the cover, my left side's my best side.
Then again, all of me's pretty damn good.
I will keep that in mind.
Is chill around? No, he's not.
Um, I thought you were done with all your interviews.
Yes, II finished the article.
Ah, great.
Mike, um The article took a surprising turn.
You might not be crazy about it.
They told you about the clowns, didn't they? Yes.
And the kittens? Yes.
The balloons? Yes, and your widdle blankie.
Damn.
Mike, the article's about chill.
My brother? He's a better story.
He's an amazing person.
Sorry.
Didn't I show you this? Yes, twice, but it doesn't change anything.
Well, what about the 10 solo tackles I had in one game? Relive it with me.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike 8, 9, 10.
M-mike.
I'm sorry.
Ok? Be careful drivin' home tonight, sister.
Snip.
Come on, son! They're gonna be other articles.
Yeah, unless chill steals the spotlight again, pop.
I mean, he played on her sympathies.
It's that damn wheelchair, those puppy dog eyes.
Women fall for that stuff.
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Daryl "chill" Trainor is so amazing.
Man, stop braggin'.
Oh, I'm not braggin'.
That's a direct quote.
Page 18, baby.
Highlighted it for you.
Let's see.
Whoa.
Look at that.
Your picture's on the cover.
This is a fantastic photograph, chill.
Yeah.
I got 3 numbers while I was hangin' around the newsstand.
Let me tell you, this thing is better than a golden retriever puppy or a dead wife.
Hey, Mike, want me to autograph yours for you? Yeah, yeah.
Could you sign it to, um, "the brother I stabbed in the back"? Ok.
Mike, don't be like that.
Mom, I'm sorry.
This is supposed to be about me, not chill! I should go talk to him.
Nah, give him some time.
He'll come around.
Ha.
He better, because once America get ahold of all this beauty, it's just a matter of time before I'm on the cover of "people" magazine's most beautiful people, posin' like Matthew McConaughey.
Ha ha ha ha! Matter of fact, I may never wear a shirt again.
Holler at your boy.
Oh, behave yourself.
Mike, you wanna read this? I'm not gonna read it.
Well, just listen to the first line.
"My brother is my hero," said chill Trainor.
Let me see that.
Doesn't say that.
I know, but read it anyway.
Mike, this is a great party.
Chill's gonna love it.
Yeah, if he ever gets here.
When he does, he's gonna appreciate everything you've done for him.
I hope so, mama.
Ok, he's on his way in.
Everyone yell, "surprise.
" Yeah.
Everybody yell, "surprise.
" All: Surprise! Whoa.
What a surprise, man.
What's goin' on? We thought we'd throw you a party to celebrate your newfound fame.
Oh, man.
Mike, thanks, man.
Yo, I'm touched.
Yo, you've reached me in the depths of my heart, man.
I'll remember this till I die, and when I'm on my deathb Oh, shut up.
Everybody grab a glass.
I'd like to toast my brother.
Ah.
Ooh.
Ohh.
I keep forgettin' about this.
To my brother chill, the man who brings out the best in me.
To chill.
All: To chill! Ah, man, you really mean this, huh, Mike? Of course I do.
If it couldn't be me, I'm glad it's you.
Thanks, man.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna score me some magazine groupie love.
Michael, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you, mama.
I'm trying to become a better man.
Oh.
You finally figured out that women love the humble type, huh? Oh, yeah.
Heh heh.
Whaah! Yeah.
ha ha Mike, don't be like that.
[Whiny.]
I'm sorry, mama.
This was supposed to be about me, not chill.
Director: Hold on.
Can I have that exit one more time? [Laughter.]
It is a big, healthy boy.
Ah.
Have you picked out a name? I have.
I'm gonna call him Cody.
That's a great name.
Wait a second.
Don't you already have a son named Cody? Yeah.
That worked out good.
My theory is if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Well, what were you gonna do if it were a girl? Codine.
Uh, hello.
Welcome to Trainor's.
May I help you? Yeah.
I'm looking for Mike Trainor.
Oh, he's over there behind the bar.
Are you a process server? I would have thought you'd ask me that question before you told me where he was.
Yeah.
No.
Thanks.
Michael Trainor? Meg Hutchinson, "psen magazine.
" Hey, nice to meet you, Meg.
Wow.
I haven't heard from you guys since we won the super bowl.
Listen.
I am a really big fan of yours, and I would love to do a cover story about you for our magazine.
Wait.
I don't remember you guys ever doing a cover story on a retired player.
You'll be our first.
That's our angle.
What does a future hall-of-famer do next? That's a good question.
Could the answer be Meg hutchinson? I'm flattered, but no, thank you.
I'm married.
Ok.
So, um, how do you wanna do this? I'd love to spend some time getting to know you and your family and just discuss where you are in your life right now.
Sounds good.
Great.
How 'bout we start tomorrow? If you're free.
Yeah.
I'll be here.
2:00? It's a date.
All right.
But not a date date, because you're married.
But, um, are you happily married? Ah heh.
Yes.
I will see you tomorrow.
What's happenin', partner? Oh, cover story of "psen magazine.
" I mean, chill, it's the biggest sports magazine in the country.
The last guy on the cover, he got a movie deal.
This could be my entree into Hollywood.
You're lookin' at the next great action hero.
Yeah, I could see it now.
"Rambroke.
" "I'll come save you.
Just help me with some gas money.
" 3 in a row.
The tigers are on the prowl, Adele.
We can't be stopped.
Oh, it was a great game, coach.
And watching you out there on that field being in charge made me wanna shake my pompoms.
Did you hear me cheering for you? Mm-hmm.
Adele Uh-huh.
Adele, come on.
We can't.
Sure, we can.
The boys aren't home.
There's nobody around to hear you scream.
Adele, come on, now.
I mean it.
No means no.
We haven't had sex, and the team hasn't lost.
That can't be a coincidence.
Oh, that's insane.
You think abstinence is gonna ensure your winning streak? Is this the latest superstition? All I know is I'm not changing anything until we lose.
Including those nasty socks you refuse to wash? Including these socks.
That's disgusting.
It's called athlete's foot for a reason, Adele.
If something were to happen to these socks, my whole career could be in jeopardy.
No.
We've been through this sort of thing before, and if there were any truth to it, you never would have lost a game from the first time when you wore your shoes on the wrong feet for 6 weeks.
And yet in the face of all this logic, you still say [Together.]
This time is different.
And if you remember, the time I lost with the shoes, I lost to a guy who hadn't taken his hat off in 10 years.
That's 'cause his superstition was more super than mine.
Oh, I give up.
Look, I'm sorry, baby, but you know when you're on a streak.
Look, some guys grow beards.
Some guys wear women's underwear Anything to get an edge.
Well, I'm not married to one of those guys, and we're gonna have a problem if I catch you wearin' women's underwear.
Support hose doesn't count, right? So this reporter from "psen magazine" wants to do a cover story on me.
Really? Whoa.
That's a big deal, Mike.
And it couldn't come at a better time, pop.
I mean, the cover story could change everything.
Yeah, but this ain't your first cover.
Didn't they have you on the cover of "mad" magazine? What, me worry? Stop that.
Come on.
Let's everybody eat.
I'm not too crazy about this chili, baby.
It's a little on the bland side.
Oh, that's what happens when there's no spice in the cook's life.
What's goin' on here? The team is on this winning streak right now, and your mother just Superstitions.
Mama, they work.
We didn't shower for a month, and we won the super bowl.
Yeah, that's 'cause the other team didn't want to catch body lice.
Look, I don't believe in superstition.
I don't need that stuff to have a great life.
Knock on wood.
Wait.
Mama, where's some wood? I wouldn't know.
I haven't seen any in a long time.
Anyhow, you can't control the outcome of a sporting event unless you're playing in the sporting event.
Now, I agree with you on that, mama.
Unless you in the game, you have no effect on the outcome, unless you turn your tv off when your team start losin'.
Mm-hmm.
Well, mama, all I'm sayin' is I wore women's underwear my entire rookie season.
Turned out great for me.
We talkin' about superstitions here, not lifestyle choices.
See? I'm not alone.
Oh, yes, you are.
You know, first they double-teamed me, and then they triple-teamed me, and then they moved the running back into the slot to try to fill the gap, and that's the last thing the quarterback saw, my gap.
I was on the way to my 97th sack.
Hell, I feel like I'm writin' this for you.
Yeah.
Mike, I know all the stats, but I wanna get to know the real Mike Trainor.
I know what you want.
You wanna hear about the super bowl.
You know, they tried to cut-block me.
I just jumped over the guy.
Next thing you know, I made the game-winning sack.
That's great, Mike, but I wanna get behind the player, behind the football.
Who is Mike before the game? That's a good question.
You know, let's start with the preseason.
Then I can talk about two-a-days.
It's twice the fun.
Oh, look at the time.
Mike, we've been talking forever.
It's only been 5 minutes.
Really? Are you sure? Yeah.
You haven't even heard the best part yet.
You know, in addition to my commentating duties, I'm gonna give you the biggest scoop in the sports world.
Get ready.
Are you ready? You're not gonna tell me you're making I'm gonna make a comeback.
A comeback.
Awesome.
You know what? I thought about going into movies, but I figure I can always be a movie star.
That's always there.
So your fallback plan is to be a movie star? Yeah, and my fallback fallback plan is to be a tv star, you know, like in "24.
" I'm twice as tough as that.
You can call it "42.
" They did wear helmets when you played, right? I'm messin' with you, Meg.
Lighten up.
Heh.
Look like Mike borin' you over there, huh? Meg, this is my brother chill.
Chill, come join us.
Please.
You can give me some insight on your brother.
Don't believe a word this guy says.
Why would I have to lie? Everything about you is practically public record.
Uh, except for the time he got beat up by Janice rivers in the fifth grade.
Mama taught us never to hit girls.
Mike, that girl was practically a man, and she's still lookin' to kick your ass.
Now, that is interesting.
This is the kind of stuff I wanna hear.
Oh, I got a million stories like that.
I'm sure Mike told you that he and I were on the same high school football team, right? Well, yeah, I know he told you about that.
No, he didn't mention you.
In fact, he didn't mention anyone except himself, unless they were being tackled, sacked, or Pummeled.
Pummeled.
Well, who am I supposed to talk about? Article's about me.
Actually, I wanted to interview everyone in your life.
It'll give me a fuller picture of you.
It's just to get some background.
Ok, as long as they're in the background.
So what position did you play? What position didn't I play? Well, they utilized me mostly as a quarterback, but I still hold the high school record for the most yards gained.
Wow.
Oh, slow down, Mr.
Braggy.
I still have the NFL single-season sack record.
I know.
I was a kicker.
She doesn't care about that.
Actually, I do.
How did you become a kicker? It started one day when my shoe caught fire.
Write that down.
Yeah.
Hey, baby.
You really don't wanna be in here right now.
What did I do? You chose your football team over me.
I thought you were fine with this.
Well, I thought I was fine with it, too, but it's been festering all night, and I'm not fine with it.
In fact, I'm really not fine with it at all.
Come on, Adele.
Baby, there's only 8 more games till the end of the season.
8? That's 8 weeks.
Well, 9, actually.
We got a bye week halfway through.
Unless we make the playoffs.
Come on! Careful.
You almost hit me.
Sorry I missed.
That isn't fair.
I put up with your superstitions.
Mine aren't stupid.
Why won't you put a hat on the bed? Because the last time I did, you sat on it, and I was still wearing it.
Well, I never hear the end of sitting on your head.
No.
Well, anyway, all my superstitions work.
Really? Yeah.
Is that a fact? Yeah.
Because from where I'm standing, you're headed for a streak of bad luck.
So how's it working for Mike? Heh heh heh heh.
Let me tell you something, missy.
I read all your articles, and I know what you're trying to do.
Ok.
Enlighten me.
What am I trying to do? Trying to dig up dirt on Mike for one of your nasty little retrospectives, like you did with Tyson, callin' the man violent and such.
I just told the facts.
He bit off a man's ear.
Fine.
But you're not gonna get any dirt from me.
You think I'm gonna tell you about the time I found Mike in the walk-in freezer with those scandawegian twins, you're sadly mistaken.
But I will tell you this.
I would not eat the brisket here.
No, no, no.
Look.
I'm not trying to do a hatchet job.
I'm a fan of Mike's.
Heh.
Oh, that's what they all say right before they hatchet you.
I had a cousin who was on "to catch a predator.
" That reporter made him look like a monster.
When I was 14, I was taught it was impolite to be a tease.
I am not trying to tear Mike apart, I assure you.
Good, 'cause you'd have to get through me and his Big Brother chill.
He's very protective of Mike, and you won't hear him comin'.
Look, I wanna know things like does Mike seem to miss football? I don't think so.
I mean, sure he makes us huddle up before we open, and then we get in a 3-4 defense.
I drop back.
Chill covers the corners.
Raul gets the front door.
I don't know.
Other than that, he doesn't seem to miss it, so No, that doesn't seem like it to me either.
Well, I'm tellin' you, Mike's an all-around great guy, and if you put anything bad about him in that article, let's just put it this way.
I know people who know how to cut brakes.
And when I say, "people," I mean me.
Just sayin'.
[Coughs.]
Hey, Mike, come on, man.
Let's do this paperwork.
All right.
Hey, man, where you been? Uh, Meg wanted to talk to me some more, so we had breakfast.
What'd you tell her about me? Well, actually we didn't talk about you.
We talked about me.
Come on, man.
You mean to tell me you didn't tell her how cute of a baby I was? Mike, you wasn't that cute of a baby.
That's why when people used to look at you, they would say, "oh, look at him.
God bless his little heart.
" Heh.
Whatever.
She was probably just trying to make you feel comfortable so she can get some dirt on me.
What, like your fear of clowns? That was a childhood thing.
Man, I've outgrown that.
Look, don't worry, man.
I didn't tell her anything about your little stupid issues.
Hey, mom on the other hand's the one you need to worry about.
She always thought that clown thing was cute.
Oh, I'm not worried about mom saying anything about that clown thing.
He's afraid of clowns, terrified.
Yeah, he's lucky that none of the other teams had a clown mascot.
He'd have lost every game.
Wow.
This is interesting.
Oh, hey, I'll give you another interesting factoid.
He developed his speed by running from kittens.
Yes, he's scared of them, too.
He was scared of everything that most kids found delightful Clowns, kittens, balloons.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I forgot about the balloons.
He got it in his head that balloons were floating clown noses.
See, he grew up in the eighties.
We didn't know much about child raising back in those days.
You two are great role models.
We try to set a good example.
Yes.
We've been married for 39 years.
Ah, most of them good.
Well, what's your secret? Well, good communication.
My wife What he's trying to say is that we work really, really hard at it every day.
And some days are harder than others.
Ok.
Well, let's talk about chill.
Um, I was researching his early football career, and he broke a lot of records, too.
Chill was an amazing athlete.
Chill was one of the best players I ever coached, and I'm not just saying that because he was my son.
Chill truly would have been great.
But don't you tell Mike I told you.
Yeah, don't tell him that.
Oh, and don't ask about his widdle blankie.
Ha! He took it to his first training camp.
Oh, let me show you the pictures.
Oh.
Well, we lost.
Do you wanna do it? My husband, the sweet-talker.
Oh, I'm sorry, Adele.
You know, I just thought that abstaining was making a difference.
With that and my lucky socks, I figured we'd be unstoppable.
Well, I have something to tell you, marcel.
Chill washed your lucky socks.
I knew something was different! See, they had the dirt, but they lacked the crust.
Sorry.
Me, too.
But you don't think it was the sex or the socks, do you, marcel? Well, truth is it was the team.
You know, I just do all that stuff to try to pretend I'm in control.
Fact of the matter is once the team takes the field, coach is pretty much a spectator.
So you gonna give up on the superstition? No, that'd be, well, bad luck.
But I'm never gonna give up on you again.
Come on.
Let me take you upstairs.
I'll help you out of those support hose.
I got this trophy right here for being the mvp at the all-city tournament.
And I got this trophy right here for breaking the college freshman rushing record.
And I got this trophy right here for catching the record-setting marlin off the coast of Belize.
Wow.
I must say your attitude is incredible.
Ah, man.
Achieving what you've achieved and then having it all taken away.
Must be tough.
Well, nothing was actually taken away from me.
I mean, granted I do use a wheelchair, but it's not like my life ended.
You know, I mean, I can still do almost everything I used to do, and some things, I do better.
But you were a gifted athlete, chill.
TheThe transition must have been hard.
Well, it wasn't easy, but one day, I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I realized I was lucky to be alive.
And pretty, too.
You're pretty amazing.
I will give you that.
And you were never jealous of Mike's career? Actually, I was, but if it wasn't gonna be me, I'm glad it was him.
Hey, Meg.
Hey.
How are you, Mike? I am doin' good.
I see you brought your photographer with you.
You know, if you're here for the cover, my left side's my best side.
Then again, all of me's pretty damn good.
I will keep that in mind.
Is chill around? No, he's not.
Um, I thought you were done with all your interviews.
Yes, II finished the article.
Ah, great.
Mike, um The article took a surprising turn.
You might not be crazy about it.
They told you about the clowns, didn't they? Yes.
And the kittens? Yes.
The balloons? Yes, and your widdle blankie.
Damn.
Mike, the article's about chill.
My brother? He's a better story.
He's an amazing person.
Sorry.
Didn't I show you this? Yes, twice, but it doesn't change anything.
Well, what about the 10 solo tackles I had in one game? Relive it with me.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike 8, 9, 10.
M-mike.
I'm sorry.
Ok? Be careful drivin' home tonight, sister.
Snip.
Come on, son! They're gonna be other articles.
Yeah, unless chill steals the spotlight again, pop.
I mean, he played on her sympathies.
It's that damn wheelchair, those puppy dog eyes.
Women fall for that stuff.
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Daryl "chill" Trainor is so amazing.
Man, stop braggin'.
Oh, I'm not braggin'.
That's a direct quote.
Page 18, baby.
Highlighted it for you.
Let's see.
Whoa.
Look at that.
Your picture's on the cover.
This is a fantastic photograph, chill.
Yeah.
I got 3 numbers while I was hangin' around the newsstand.
Let me tell you, this thing is better than a golden retriever puppy or a dead wife.
Hey, Mike, want me to autograph yours for you? Yeah, yeah.
Could you sign it to, um, "the brother I stabbed in the back"? Ok.
Mike, don't be like that.
Mom, I'm sorry.
This is supposed to be about me, not chill! I should go talk to him.
Nah, give him some time.
He'll come around.
Ha.
He better, because once America get ahold of all this beauty, it's just a matter of time before I'm on the cover of "people" magazine's most beautiful people, posin' like Matthew McConaughey.
Ha ha ha ha! Matter of fact, I may never wear a shirt again.
Holler at your boy.
Oh, behave yourself.
Mike, you wanna read this? I'm not gonna read it.
Well, just listen to the first line.
"My brother is my hero," said chill Trainor.
Let me see that.
Doesn't say that.
I know, but read it anyway.
Mike, this is a great party.
Chill's gonna love it.
Yeah, if he ever gets here.
When he does, he's gonna appreciate everything you've done for him.
I hope so, mama.
Ok, he's on his way in.
Everyone yell, "surprise.
" Yeah.
Everybody yell, "surprise.
" All: Surprise! Whoa.
What a surprise, man.
What's goin' on? We thought we'd throw you a party to celebrate your newfound fame.
Oh, man.
Mike, thanks, man.
Yo, I'm touched.
Yo, you've reached me in the depths of my heart, man.
I'll remember this till I die, and when I'm on my deathb Oh, shut up.
Everybody grab a glass.
I'd like to toast my brother.
Ah.
Ooh.
Ohh.
I keep forgettin' about this.
To my brother chill, the man who brings out the best in me.
To chill.
All: To chill! Ah, man, you really mean this, huh, Mike? Of course I do.
If it couldn't be me, I'm glad it's you.
Thanks, man.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna score me some magazine groupie love.
Michael, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you, mama.
I'm trying to become a better man.
Oh.
You finally figured out that women love the humble type, huh? Oh, yeah.
Heh heh.
Whaah! Yeah.
ha ha Mike, don't be like that.
[Whiny.]
I'm sorry, mama.
This was supposed to be about me, not chill.
Director: Hold on.
Can I have that exit one more time? [Laughter.]