Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e13 Episode Script
Honesty, Integrity and Low Mileage (2)
[Giggling.]
Giddy up, Fitz! FITZ: We all do questionable things.
Bless you, my son.
I'm not saying I don't regret.
Of course I do.
I'm human.
I take my pants off one leg at a time.
But I don't obsess over the things I've done, the choices I've made.
Come here, Fitzy.
Why should I? Life is something to experience to savor.
I believe in honesty.
Save some for me, baby.
And honestly, I like to party.
[Laughing.]
Even if I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't.
What's that old Chinese pronoun? "Carpe Diem," live for the day.
If you let me go right now, I won't call the oops, and we can all just walk away from this thing.
Ring-a-ding, ding, no one gets hurt.
Okay.
We don't have to test that theory.
Oof.
Fuck.
Is this some kind of perverted sexual thing? 'Cause I could get behind that.
What do you think this is? Uh, to be perfectly honest, I'm kind of getting mixed signals.
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' This is a sex thing.
I knew it.
[Laughing.]
The striped wallpaper, the floral-print drapes.
I'm gonna say the Cornwallis Inn on Highway 7, Room 104? No.
106.
Do you always talk so much when you're afraid? "Fear is the enemy of logic.
" Frank Sinatra.
And what about now? Take it easy there, darling.
Uh, I'll finish.
You can go help with the camera.
I know you.
Get away from the chair.
Now! And you, just shut up.
You know, when my partner Larry realizes I'm missing, you guys better watch out.
He's like a killer robot from the future.
Relentless, unstoppable, and totally dedicated to me.
[Oinking.]
Is my name Mark? Or am I Dave? Does Mark like beer? Is Dave a Scotch man? Perhaps Mark fancies red wine, and Dave only drinks club soda.
How is this photo linked to Richard? Who am I? And what is up with that hair? So tell me, are you and Fitz ready to go down? Huh? For, uh, Rupta's Prestige Auto shall be victorious.
You know, if we had machine guns, we would be firing them in the air.
It is sad that the Fitzes won't be here to feel the crushing blow of defeat.
Uh, what do you mean by this, cousin? Yes.
What-- Has something happened to Richard? You better tell me what you know, or I will punch you in your face! Okay, if I did something to Richard Fitzpatrick, it would be news to sing aloud.
All right? You large and gangly one.
Oh, please.
You do not even have the nerve.
Larry may not be capable of violence, but Mark sure as hell is! Or maybe Dave! Dah.
Cousin, do you have something to tell me? Victory is ours! OW! Shut up and read.
Out loud! No fuckin' way! -Why not? -'Cause it's bullshit.
"A danger to women," "an evil, selfish man.
" You make me sound like I'm Satan.
I'm not evil.
Ask Sonja, she'll tell you.
There's no Sonja here.
[Sighing.]
What are you doing? It was a wild guess! Hardly.
Sonja's scent is unmistakable.
A bouquet of cinnamon and lavender, with just a hint of baked bread.
And what about you, Ali? You think I wasn't gonna recognize you? Those eyes.
Those two silver mirrors, but for a brief, beautiful moment, reflected the happiness that I never thought I truly deserved? You had your chance.
You blew it.
Richard? Hey, Richard? Hey, where are you, Richard? Ah! Kevin.
I blew it with both of you.
But there isn't one moment that I don't cherish.
We weren't just strangers in the night, baby.
Jesus.
I think we made a terrible mistake.
We are warrior goddesses.
Don't let some crappy Sinatra lyrics sway your resolve.
But maybe we could just let him go? Like I said, no harm, no foul.
You do nothing but harm.
You ruin lives, destroy families, you spread disease.
You claim to be some master seducer, but you haven't identified me yet.
What's the matter, Casanova? Can't recognize one of your conquests? Need to smell me again? How about a blow job? I never forget a tongue.
Though you might have to slip in a finger.
Here's a hint.
Nope.
See, ladies? Words.
I don't remember you because I never did you.
Oh, you screwed me, in more ways than you can imagine, because you're evil, and you're selfish, and that is why you must be destroyed.
Uh, I thought that we were doing an internet PSA.
Uh, I'd never agree to losing him for good.
Uh, yeah.
No, me neither.
This better be really fucking important, because they're starting to show videos of the dead guys, and I like to know which one of those bastards I've outlived.
Just admit it was you all along, sending me that photo, locking us in the warehouse, using a sweet childhood toy to confuse and devastate your own son.
We both know you'd do anything to keep Richard from the awards, and when your plan to sabotage failed, you had him kidnapped.
Save it, Pantyface.
If I want him gone, it'll be quick and mean.
I don't have time for cat-and-mouse bullshit.
And what's Plan C? Hm? Reveal that he cheated on his dealership exam? Thanks, Larry.
No, no.
I -- Oh, no.
Hey, Cara.
Check it out.
I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.
I'm scoring the interior of the pipe for maximum fragmentation.
I still think you should use a diesel and fertilizer compound.
Yeah, but sulfur and potassium nitrate makes a prettier boom, you know, like shock and awe! This isn't a fireworks display, Josh.
Don't worry.
Just sparkly enough to blow you a nice, little hole out of that joint.
And you'll be ready by tonight? [Whistling.]
Stay strong, my love.
I'll try.
Obviously, there's been a simple misunderstanding, so I propose we take a few moments for private reflection and meditation, and then we'll debate about what to do with it.
-I'll get some white wine.
-Perfect.
Oh, and a turkey club, no tomatoes.
Oh, come on, guys.
It's my big day you're messing with.
You at least gotta feed me.
-Nothing for him.
-He has low blood sugar.
Oh, shut up.
Go get the wine.
Okay, Larry.
You can do this.
You're a part of Richard, you're his conscience.
Maybe.
Just close your eyes and let him guide you to him.
Yeah.
Who am I? Larry, Mark, Dave? MAN: Hey, Mark, is that you? What did he say? Dave? Universe, just give me a damn sign.
[Phone ringing.]
-Larry speaking.
-Larry, you gotta hurry.
They are gonna chop off his private parts.
Upstairs, Room 106.
I'm coming, partner.
To Sisterhood.
Yeah.
A little dry here.
[Knocking on door.]
One word, and they'll be putting you back together like a jigsaw puzzle.
Who is it? LARRY [ High-pitched voice .]
: Room service.
You ordered him food.
Just leave it outside.
You have to sign for it.
Unhand him! Who the hell is that? Larry.
Pleased to -- That's what you brought to rescue me with? You idiot! Oh, nice.
The guy comes to save you, and you insult him? Glad to hear you're an equal opportunity prick! I came to save my partner, and that's what I'm going to do.
Oh, and you think we're just gonna let him go? Well, where I come from, if you've got a fox in the henhouse, you kill the fox.
Well, who made you judge, jury, and executioner? [Scoffing.]
No, Larry is right.
Richard Fitz is no fox.
I am very attractive, though.
Okay, can you truly stand here before me and say that Richard is responsible for all the ills that have befallen you? Okay.
Hands up.
Who thought that they could tame Richard Fitzpatrick? I thought I could, and I lost a kidney.
Who's fault is that? His or mine? -That bastards.
-His.
Well, he deserves a trial.
He has a point.
And do you really think there's any chance in hell he could win? I say we show that bastard what he's made of.
Whole truth, nothing but.
The Women versus Richard Fitzpatrick.
All rise.
I could use a little help.
Richard! There you are.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I found a broom closet.
It's unlocked, and it smells like industrial cleaner.
I don't know why that turns me on so much, but it does.
Is this all I am to you? The sexual equivalent to a convenience store? "Thank you, come again.
" -What's your problem? -isn't it obvious? I'm tired of being treated like a piece of meat.
Or you haven't told your cousin about us yet.
He's making it most difficult.
But I cannot let his venomous rage toward your family keep me from ravishing you in the most time-effective manner possible.
Oh, baby, I -- I -- Can't even bring yourself to say the words.
Don't you get it, you big sap? I can't say those three words first.
Because if I say them first and you don't say them back, my heart might explode.
Is that what you want, to blow me up? What if we say the words at the same time? -I'd like that.
-I'd like that, too.
-I love you.
-You terrify me.
That's close enough.
Perfect.
My cousin will never find us in here.
We did it in the broom closet, the bathroom, and garage, in an office, a car -- Oh, lots of cars.
Uh, the bar, and a couple of hotels.
This one, actually.
ALI: Okay.
And were you boyfriend and girlfriend? I wanted to be, but he had a different term for it.
"Buddies who --" You know.
When I realized he didn't respect me, I broke it off.
And you have never had relations with Mr.
Fitzpatrick again? No.
Well, once.
Right after his wife died, we did it in a van.
Fucker.
I'm sorry.
Is that allowed? Miss Lester, do you recall the events leading up to Richard's stay in a detox facility? Um, wasn't that the day he tried to kill you? Nice question, numb nuts.
Yeah, but before that, did he not accuse me of lying to you in order to "get into your pants"? Yes.
And how did he respond when you challenged his intentions, vis-Ã -vis said pants? Well, he said that he was trying to get into my pants, too, but at least he was honest about it.
Thank you.
Well, he was.
Know what I hate about action movies? The lack of well-rounded female characters? Why do bad guys use different colored wires for their bomb? You know.
Hero shows up, and his buddy's all, "Cut the red wire!" That's why I used one colon Red.
In honor of your hat.
Oh, Josh, that's so sweet.
Can we talk about the trigger? Ah.
I went old school.
Alarm clock.
Think 21st century.
Jet pack? Cell phone.
Ä°t's risky.
Then I can detonate it by phone, and you'll have a plausible alibi.
And then we can be together? Yes, Josh.
So then we can be together.
Awesome.
-I always knew that-- -[ Dial tone.]
Oh, okay.
I had just gotten a divorce, and I needed a car.
But from the moment I saw him, he was all I wanted.
The way he flirted with me Our test drive was a dream.
And the promises he made.
How we could throw it all away and run off together, and follow the open road stretching out before us.
Sounds like something I'd say.
You lied to me.
I wove you a dream.
Some dream.
I flushed $5,500 on a rusted-out Corolla with bad CV joints because I thought you wanted me.
Now, if that's not a lie, I don't know what is.
If there's one thing I never forget, it's the women I've enjoyed.
You think I wouldn't try and hit that? She is attractive.
Ä°t's a choice piece of trim with some grade-A sweater meat.
There's no way I wouldn't throw it in her.
Of course you would.
There's no way that Richard Fitzpatrick wouldn't come on to a woman he found attractive.
Cha.
That is a very sad story, Miss Carlisle, and a very nice turtle neck.
Is there a question here? Yes.
Yes, of course.
Do you think I look more like a Mark or a Dave? What does that have to do with anything? Definitely a Mark.
Thank you, Sonja.
it's been driving me nuts.
And there's nothing worse than an identity crisis.
Ä°sn't that right, Julia? Ask a question or sit down.
Tell me, did you leave any details out of your story? No.
You told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? -Yes.
-Where did you get your sex change? -Johns Hopkins.
-Objection! No, wait.
I -- -A Corolla? -No, wait -- Carl LeBlanc? You do remember me.
No, no, no -- Not another step.
Oh.
Man hands.
May I see you in chambers? Um, in light of new information, I'm willing to cut a deal.
How about a thumb? You're talking to a man who had his kidney stolen.
There's no way I'd agree to any kind of willful mutilation.
Well, he's not getting out of here in one piece, Larry.
You know what I think? I think you're afraid to let Richard testify in his own defense.
-I am not.
-What scares you more? The fact that he might admit that he doesn't love you, or that he does? [Sighs.]
Ask your questions.
Boop.
CARA: You've connected the cell to the bomb? Yes.
And you remembered to load the explosives? Yes.
What do you think I am? Some kind of moron? [Charging noises .]
[Laughing.]
Why are you -- I don't get -- [Laughing.]
Uh oh.
[Sighing.]
Wait a minute.
We're not using this bomb to break you out of juvie, are we? Nope.
And that story about Fitz, about him and your mom and the divorce and your step dad, was any of that true? Every good lie contains a kernel of truth.
Why? What did Fitzy ever do to you? There are rules in life, Josh, and Richard Fitzpatrick doesn't follow them! That is all the reason I need! This is about rules? What's so fucking great about following rules? You mean, like the red-wire rule? Oh, shit.
You better run, Josh.
You don't have much time.
Oh [Gagging.]
From hell's heart, I stab at thee.
Oh, fuck.
Who can I call? For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.
Hey, Kasib! Yes? Yes, who is this? Drats! -it's Josh.
-Josh? Josh McTaggart.
-Josh-- -I rented your safe house.
-Josh McTaggart, yes! -Yeah! Hey! Yes, I remember.
-Uh, what's shaking? -Yes, I remember you.
Fuck.
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Call me "Fitz.
" All right.
Fitz, do you love any of the women in this room? Fitzy loves all women.
I love them young and old, big and small.
Hell, I might even love a new recruit.
Play your cards right, Carl.
Permission to treat as hostile? Please.
You work at Fitzpatrick Motors with your father, Ken Fitzpatrick.
Are you the top salesman there? I have been in the past, yes.
And do you think your father respects you? Come on, Larry.
Quit fucking around.
Yes or no? No.
Your mother abandoned you as a child.
Yes.
Because she loved you? Come on, Larry.
You were there, man.
You know how she feels about me.
Does your mother love you? No.
Come on.
You're supposed to be fucking helping me here.
What I'm trying to do is show these ladies that you never had a chance, that you aren't capable of love.
Who is this? Who is it? Who is it? Ä°t's just some -- Just some fuckin' toy rabbit.
Yeah? And what's your name for him? FITZ: I, um -- LARRY: What's your name for him? -Kevin.
-Kevin.
And what would you do if I did this to Kevin? Huh? What would you do? Don't you hurt him, you son of a bitch! Okay, that's enough fucking around.
You let him go! He never did anything to you! -We've seen enough.
-Just let him go.
No, I think he deserves to be punished! Sit down, Carl.
Give me that.
[Phone ringing.]
Larry speaking.
Hey, Lar.
Um, so listen.
Um, remember the dealership? Something kind of happened.
Ä°t's kind of funny, actually, when you think about it.
[Busy tone.]
Fuck, fuck, fuck! -Really? -And it is big, boy.
-It is a big one.
-isn't that something? Okay, uh, well -- You see -- Josh has built a bomb in the garage.
Yeah, and he's using a cell phone as a trigger, and he has to stay on the line, otherwise the bomb could explode, and destroy the dealership and maybe an entire city block.
-What the fuck? -Yeah.
He's a little flummoxed.
He could really use our help.
Well, untie me! For luck.
Mm.
Cinnamon.
Thanks.
A whole bunch of cupcakes.
And I was like, "l don't like cupcakes.
" Stay on the line, Josh.
Keep talking.
Fuck! Okay.
No.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Don't let anything happen to him.
Richard, let's go.
Not on my life, Mr.
Fitz.
Okay, we're on our way, Josh.
Just keep talking, buddy.
Richard Fitzpatrick! You have dishonored my family, and I will be avenged! [Yelling.]
Oh, my nose! You cannot let them procreate! The Fitzpatricks and Ruptas cannot mix! You are the enemy! The child will be beige! And it was the middle of the night, and all I had to eat was mealworms for three fucking days in a row, and I had a theme song in my head.
I couldn't get it out of my head, and I didn't remember what TV show it was.
So I just kept walking and singing.
MAN: And the award for Richard, Richard! Your award! MAN: Salesman of the Year! Let's go! We're not gonna have a dealership if we don't haul ass.
Come on! Richard, you have my word.
If we get through this alive, I will go.
If it's what you want, I will get out of your artfully blow-dried hair, once and for all.
-Halle-fuckin'-lujah.
-MAN: And the award -for best -Let's go! MAN: used-oar salesman of the year goes to Marlene, she gave me the steel wool which made it all really-- Hey, Larry.
I was just talking to you on the -- Hey, Fitzy.
Hey, Fitzy.
I didn't think you were gonna show, what with you being all pissed at me and stuff.
Yeah! it's my fucking dealership, man! And my fucking life! I'm sorry! The junior survivalist bitch.
She lied to me.
And you're an asshole.
But you never lied to me.
And I miss that, man.
The being-the-asshole-not-lying shtick.
Go fuck yourself, Josh.
Thanks, man.
-No, don't! -What? Okay.
-How come all the wires are red? -Yeah.
Yeah, it's cool, huh? See, I was thinking-- We gotta get this thing out of here and blow it up somewhere.
The GT.
That cursed mother fucker.
Richard, are you out of your mind? You're going to destroy that car again, with us in it? You got a better idea? -No.
-No.
-Why? -Come on.
Josh, open the door.
Go break some fuckin' rules, Fitzy! Whoo! Richard would be very honored to receive this award.
Unfortunately, he's not eligible.
[Crowd gasping .]
Richard Fitzpatrick does not have a dealer's license.
[Chattering.]
Pick up, pick up.
Pick up, pick up, pick up! We've lost signal! She can't get through! Fuck! We've got a signal! That's somehow anticlimactic.
[Ringing.]
J' Let someone start believing in you J' J' Let him hold out his hand J' J' Let him touch you J' J' And watch what happens J' J' When someone who can look in your eyes J' J' And see into your heart J' J' Let him find you and watch J' J' What happens J' Morning.
You made the right decision, partner.
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
J' Let someone J' J' With a deep love to give J' J' Give that deep love to you J' J' And what magic you'll see J' J' Let someone give his heart J' J' Someone who cares like me J' J' Let someone give his heart J' J' Who cares like me J'
Giddy up, Fitz! FITZ: We all do questionable things.
Bless you, my son.
I'm not saying I don't regret.
Of course I do.
I'm human.
I take my pants off one leg at a time.
But I don't obsess over the things I've done, the choices I've made.
Come here, Fitzy.
Why should I? Life is something to experience to savor.
I believe in honesty.
Save some for me, baby.
And honestly, I like to party.
[Laughing.]
Even if I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't.
What's that old Chinese pronoun? "Carpe Diem," live for the day.
If you let me go right now, I won't call the oops, and we can all just walk away from this thing.
Ring-a-ding, ding, no one gets hurt.
Okay.
We don't have to test that theory.
Oof.
Fuck.
Is this some kind of perverted sexual thing? 'Cause I could get behind that.
What do you think this is? Uh, to be perfectly honest, I'm kind of getting mixed signals.
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' This is a sex thing.
I knew it.
[Laughing.]
The striped wallpaper, the floral-print drapes.
I'm gonna say the Cornwallis Inn on Highway 7, Room 104? No.
106.
Do you always talk so much when you're afraid? "Fear is the enemy of logic.
" Frank Sinatra.
And what about now? Take it easy there, darling.
Uh, I'll finish.
You can go help with the camera.
I know you.
Get away from the chair.
Now! And you, just shut up.
You know, when my partner Larry realizes I'm missing, you guys better watch out.
He's like a killer robot from the future.
Relentless, unstoppable, and totally dedicated to me.
[Oinking.]
Is my name Mark? Or am I Dave? Does Mark like beer? Is Dave a Scotch man? Perhaps Mark fancies red wine, and Dave only drinks club soda.
How is this photo linked to Richard? Who am I? And what is up with that hair? So tell me, are you and Fitz ready to go down? Huh? For, uh, Rupta's Prestige Auto shall be victorious.
You know, if we had machine guns, we would be firing them in the air.
It is sad that the Fitzes won't be here to feel the crushing blow of defeat.
Uh, what do you mean by this, cousin? Yes.
What-- Has something happened to Richard? You better tell me what you know, or I will punch you in your face! Okay, if I did something to Richard Fitzpatrick, it would be news to sing aloud.
All right? You large and gangly one.
Oh, please.
You do not even have the nerve.
Larry may not be capable of violence, but Mark sure as hell is! Or maybe Dave! Dah.
Cousin, do you have something to tell me? Victory is ours! OW! Shut up and read.
Out loud! No fuckin' way! -Why not? -'Cause it's bullshit.
"A danger to women," "an evil, selfish man.
" You make me sound like I'm Satan.
I'm not evil.
Ask Sonja, she'll tell you.
There's no Sonja here.
[Sighing.]
What are you doing? It was a wild guess! Hardly.
Sonja's scent is unmistakable.
A bouquet of cinnamon and lavender, with just a hint of baked bread.
And what about you, Ali? You think I wasn't gonna recognize you? Those eyes.
Those two silver mirrors, but for a brief, beautiful moment, reflected the happiness that I never thought I truly deserved? You had your chance.
You blew it.
Richard? Hey, Richard? Hey, where are you, Richard? Ah! Kevin.
I blew it with both of you.
But there isn't one moment that I don't cherish.
We weren't just strangers in the night, baby.
Jesus.
I think we made a terrible mistake.
We are warrior goddesses.
Don't let some crappy Sinatra lyrics sway your resolve.
But maybe we could just let him go? Like I said, no harm, no foul.
You do nothing but harm.
You ruin lives, destroy families, you spread disease.
You claim to be some master seducer, but you haven't identified me yet.
What's the matter, Casanova? Can't recognize one of your conquests? Need to smell me again? How about a blow job? I never forget a tongue.
Though you might have to slip in a finger.
Here's a hint.
Nope.
See, ladies? Words.
I don't remember you because I never did you.
Oh, you screwed me, in more ways than you can imagine, because you're evil, and you're selfish, and that is why you must be destroyed.
Uh, I thought that we were doing an internet PSA.
Uh, I'd never agree to losing him for good.
Uh, yeah.
No, me neither.
This better be really fucking important, because they're starting to show videos of the dead guys, and I like to know which one of those bastards I've outlived.
Just admit it was you all along, sending me that photo, locking us in the warehouse, using a sweet childhood toy to confuse and devastate your own son.
We both know you'd do anything to keep Richard from the awards, and when your plan to sabotage failed, you had him kidnapped.
Save it, Pantyface.
If I want him gone, it'll be quick and mean.
I don't have time for cat-and-mouse bullshit.
And what's Plan C? Hm? Reveal that he cheated on his dealership exam? Thanks, Larry.
No, no.
I -- Oh, no.
Hey, Cara.
Check it out.
I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.
I'm scoring the interior of the pipe for maximum fragmentation.
I still think you should use a diesel and fertilizer compound.
Yeah, but sulfur and potassium nitrate makes a prettier boom, you know, like shock and awe! This isn't a fireworks display, Josh.
Don't worry.
Just sparkly enough to blow you a nice, little hole out of that joint.
And you'll be ready by tonight? [Whistling.]
Stay strong, my love.
I'll try.
Obviously, there's been a simple misunderstanding, so I propose we take a few moments for private reflection and meditation, and then we'll debate about what to do with it.
-I'll get some white wine.
-Perfect.
Oh, and a turkey club, no tomatoes.
Oh, come on, guys.
It's my big day you're messing with.
You at least gotta feed me.
-Nothing for him.
-He has low blood sugar.
Oh, shut up.
Go get the wine.
Okay, Larry.
You can do this.
You're a part of Richard, you're his conscience.
Maybe.
Just close your eyes and let him guide you to him.
Yeah.
Who am I? Larry, Mark, Dave? MAN: Hey, Mark, is that you? What did he say? Dave? Universe, just give me a damn sign.
[Phone ringing.]
-Larry speaking.
-Larry, you gotta hurry.
They are gonna chop off his private parts.
Upstairs, Room 106.
I'm coming, partner.
To Sisterhood.
Yeah.
A little dry here.
[Knocking on door.]
One word, and they'll be putting you back together like a jigsaw puzzle.
Who is it? LARRY [ High-pitched voice .]
: Room service.
You ordered him food.
Just leave it outside.
You have to sign for it.
Unhand him! Who the hell is that? Larry.
Pleased to -- That's what you brought to rescue me with? You idiot! Oh, nice.
The guy comes to save you, and you insult him? Glad to hear you're an equal opportunity prick! I came to save my partner, and that's what I'm going to do.
Oh, and you think we're just gonna let him go? Well, where I come from, if you've got a fox in the henhouse, you kill the fox.
Well, who made you judge, jury, and executioner? [Scoffing.]
No, Larry is right.
Richard Fitz is no fox.
I am very attractive, though.
Okay, can you truly stand here before me and say that Richard is responsible for all the ills that have befallen you? Okay.
Hands up.
Who thought that they could tame Richard Fitzpatrick? I thought I could, and I lost a kidney.
Who's fault is that? His or mine? -That bastards.
-His.
Well, he deserves a trial.
He has a point.
And do you really think there's any chance in hell he could win? I say we show that bastard what he's made of.
Whole truth, nothing but.
The Women versus Richard Fitzpatrick.
All rise.
I could use a little help.
Richard! There you are.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I found a broom closet.
It's unlocked, and it smells like industrial cleaner.
I don't know why that turns me on so much, but it does.
Is this all I am to you? The sexual equivalent to a convenience store? "Thank you, come again.
" -What's your problem? -isn't it obvious? I'm tired of being treated like a piece of meat.
Or you haven't told your cousin about us yet.
He's making it most difficult.
But I cannot let his venomous rage toward your family keep me from ravishing you in the most time-effective manner possible.
Oh, baby, I -- I -- Can't even bring yourself to say the words.
Don't you get it, you big sap? I can't say those three words first.
Because if I say them first and you don't say them back, my heart might explode.
Is that what you want, to blow me up? What if we say the words at the same time? -I'd like that.
-I'd like that, too.
-I love you.
-You terrify me.
That's close enough.
Perfect.
My cousin will never find us in here.
We did it in the broom closet, the bathroom, and garage, in an office, a car -- Oh, lots of cars.
Uh, the bar, and a couple of hotels.
This one, actually.
ALI: Okay.
And were you boyfriend and girlfriend? I wanted to be, but he had a different term for it.
"Buddies who --" You know.
When I realized he didn't respect me, I broke it off.
And you have never had relations with Mr.
Fitzpatrick again? No.
Well, once.
Right after his wife died, we did it in a van.
Fucker.
I'm sorry.
Is that allowed? Miss Lester, do you recall the events leading up to Richard's stay in a detox facility? Um, wasn't that the day he tried to kill you? Nice question, numb nuts.
Yeah, but before that, did he not accuse me of lying to you in order to "get into your pants"? Yes.
And how did he respond when you challenged his intentions, vis-Ã -vis said pants? Well, he said that he was trying to get into my pants, too, but at least he was honest about it.
Thank you.
Well, he was.
Know what I hate about action movies? The lack of well-rounded female characters? Why do bad guys use different colored wires for their bomb? You know.
Hero shows up, and his buddy's all, "Cut the red wire!" That's why I used one colon Red.
In honor of your hat.
Oh, Josh, that's so sweet.
Can we talk about the trigger? Ah.
I went old school.
Alarm clock.
Think 21st century.
Jet pack? Cell phone.
Ä°t's risky.
Then I can detonate it by phone, and you'll have a plausible alibi.
And then we can be together? Yes, Josh.
So then we can be together.
Awesome.
-I always knew that-- -[ Dial tone.]
Oh, okay.
I had just gotten a divorce, and I needed a car.
But from the moment I saw him, he was all I wanted.
The way he flirted with me Our test drive was a dream.
And the promises he made.
How we could throw it all away and run off together, and follow the open road stretching out before us.
Sounds like something I'd say.
You lied to me.
I wove you a dream.
Some dream.
I flushed $5,500 on a rusted-out Corolla with bad CV joints because I thought you wanted me.
Now, if that's not a lie, I don't know what is.
If there's one thing I never forget, it's the women I've enjoyed.
You think I wouldn't try and hit that? She is attractive.
Ä°t's a choice piece of trim with some grade-A sweater meat.
There's no way I wouldn't throw it in her.
Of course you would.
There's no way that Richard Fitzpatrick wouldn't come on to a woman he found attractive.
Cha.
That is a very sad story, Miss Carlisle, and a very nice turtle neck.
Is there a question here? Yes.
Yes, of course.
Do you think I look more like a Mark or a Dave? What does that have to do with anything? Definitely a Mark.
Thank you, Sonja.
it's been driving me nuts.
And there's nothing worse than an identity crisis.
Ä°sn't that right, Julia? Ask a question or sit down.
Tell me, did you leave any details out of your story? No.
You told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? -Yes.
-Where did you get your sex change? -Johns Hopkins.
-Objection! No, wait.
I -- -A Corolla? -No, wait -- Carl LeBlanc? You do remember me.
No, no, no -- Not another step.
Oh.
Man hands.
May I see you in chambers? Um, in light of new information, I'm willing to cut a deal.
How about a thumb? You're talking to a man who had his kidney stolen.
There's no way I'd agree to any kind of willful mutilation.
Well, he's not getting out of here in one piece, Larry.
You know what I think? I think you're afraid to let Richard testify in his own defense.
-I am not.
-What scares you more? The fact that he might admit that he doesn't love you, or that he does? [Sighs.]
Ask your questions.
Boop.
CARA: You've connected the cell to the bomb? Yes.
And you remembered to load the explosives? Yes.
What do you think I am? Some kind of moron? [Charging noises .]
[Laughing.]
Why are you -- I don't get -- [Laughing.]
Uh oh.
[Sighing.]
Wait a minute.
We're not using this bomb to break you out of juvie, are we? Nope.
And that story about Fitz, about him and your mom and the divorce and your step dad, was any of that true? Every good lie contains a kernel of truth.
Why? What did Fitzy ever do to you? There are rules in life, Josh, and Richard Fitzpatrick doesn't follow them! That is all the reason I need! This is about rules? What's so fucking great about following rules? You mean, like the red-wire rule? Oh, shit.
You better run, Josh.
You don't have much time.
Oh [Gagging.]
From hell's heart, I stab at thee.
Oh, fuck.
Who can I call? For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.
Hey, Kasib! Yes? Yes, who is this? Drats! -it's Josh.
-Josh? Josh McTaggart.
-Josh-- -I rented your safe house.
-Josh McTaggart, yes! -Yeah! Hey! Yes, I remember.
-Uh, what's shaking? -Yes, I remember you.
Fuck.
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Call me "Fitz.
" All right.
Fitz, do you love any of the women in this room? Fitzy loves all women.
I love them young and old, big and small.
Hell, I might even love a new recruit.
Play your cards right, Carl.
Permission to treat as hostile? Please.
You work at Fitzpatrick Motors with your father, Ken Fitzpatrick.
Are you the top salesman there? I have been in the past, yes.
And do you think your father respects you? Come on, Larry.
Quit fucking around.
Yes or no? No.
Your mother abandoned you as a child.
Yes.
Because she loved you? Come on, Larry.
You were there, man.
You know how she feels about me.
Does your mother love you? No.
Come on.
You're supposed to be fucking helping me here.
What I'm trying to do is show these ladies that you never had a chance, that you aren't capable of love.
Who is this? Who is it? Who is it? Ä°t's just some -- Just some fuckin' toy rabbit.
Yeah? And what's your name for him? FITZ: I, um -- LARRY: What's your name for him? -Kevin.
-Kevin.
And what would you do if I did this to Kevin? Huh? What would you do? Don't you hurt him, you son of a bitch! Okay, that's enough fucking around.
You let him go! He never did anything to you! -We've seen enough.
-Just let him go.
No, I think he deserves to be punished! Sit down, Carl.
Give me that.
[Phone ringing.]
Larry speaking.
Hey, Lar.
Um, so listen.
Um, remember the dealership? Something kind of happened.
Ä°t's kind of funny, actually, when you think about it.
[Busy tone.]
Fuck, fuck, fuck! -Really? -And it is big, boy.
-It is a big one.
-isn't that something? Okay, uh, well -- You see -- Josh has built a bomb in the garage.
Yeah, and he's using a cell phone as a trigger, and he has to stay on the line, otherwise the bomb could explode, and destroy the dealership and maybe an entire city block.
-What the fuck? -Yeah.
He's a little flummoxed.
He could really use our help.
Well, untie me! For luck.
Mm.
Cinnamon.
Thanks.
A whole bunch of cupcakes.
And I was like, "l don't like cupcakes.
" Stay on the line, Josh.
Keep talking.
Fuck! Okay.
No.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Don't let anything happen to him.
Richard, let's go.
Not on my life, Mr.
Fitz.
Okay, we're on our way, Josh.
Just keep talking, buddy.
Richard Fitzpatrick! You have dishonored my family, and I will be avenged! [Yelling.]
Oh, my nose! You cannot let them procreate! The Fitzpatricks and Ruptas cannot mix! You are the enemy! The child will be beige! And it was the middle of the night, and all I had to eat was mealworms for three fucking days in a row, and I had a theme song in my head.
I couldn't get it out of my head, and I didn't remember what TV show it was.
So I just kept walking and singing.
MAN: And the award for Richard, Richard! Your award! MAN: Salesman of the Year! Let's go! We're not gonna have a dealership if we don't haul ass.
Come on! Richard, you have my word.
If we get through this alive, I will go.
If it's what you want, I will get out of your artfully blow-dried hair, once and for all.
-Halle-fuckin'-lujah.
-MAN: And the award -for best -Let's go! MAN: used-oar salesman of the year goes to Marlene, she gave me the steel wool which made it all really-- Hey, Larry.
I was just talking to you on the -- Hey, Fitzy.
Hey, Fitzy.
I didn't think you were gonna show, what with you being all pissed at me and stuff.
Yeah! it's my fucking dealership, man! And my fucking life! I'm sorry! The junior survivalist bitch.
She lied to me.
And you're an asshole.
But you never lied to me.
And I miss that, man.
The being-the-asshole-not-lying shtick.
Go fuck yourself, Josh.
Thanks, man.
-No, don't! -What? Okay.
-How come all the wires are red? -Yeah.
Yeah, it's cool, huh? See, I was thinking-- We gotta get this thing out of here and blow it up somewhere.
The GT.
That cursed mother fucker.
Richard, are you out of your mind? You're going to destroy that car again, with us in it? You got a better idea? -No.
-No.
-Why? -Come on.
Josh, open the door.
Go break some fuckin' rules, Fitzy! Whoo! Richard would be very honored to receive this award.
Unfortunately, he's not eligible.
[Crowd gasping .]
Richard Fitzpatrick does not have a dealer's license.
[Chattering.]
Pick up, pick up.
Pick up, pick up, pick up! We've lost signal! She can't get through! Fuck! We've got a signal! That's somehow anticlimactic.
[Ringing.]
J' Let someone start believing in you J' J' Let him hold out his hand J' J' Let him touch you J' J' And watch what happens J' J' When someone who can look in your eyes J' J' And see into your heart J' J' Let him find you and watch J' J' What happens J' Morning.
You made the right decision, partner.
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
J' Let someone J' J' With a deep love to give J' J' Give that deep love to you J' J' And what magic you'll see J' J' Let someone give his heart J' J' Someone who cares like me J' J' Let someone give his heart J' J' Who cares like me J'