Carpoolers (2007) s01e13 Episode Script

Oh,let's see.
All right.
Moppinghe floor with a fat lady in a truck stop bathroom.
What? You guys wanted to know my worst sexual experience,right? No,thquestion was,"what was our worst job?" Oh,you meant job job.
Then I would have to say the same thing.
also my worst christmas.
proudly presents Carpoolers Season01 Episode13 So,michelle,tomorrow's bring your daughter to work day.
You excited? I can hardly wait.
Yeah,well,finally get to see daddy in action.
You can help me crunch some numbers.
Would you like that? First we'll take 'em,and we'll put them into digital subsets.
Then we'll check 'em against the master order book.
I mean,that's what you have to do on wednesdays.
And then we'll take the binary results from that,and maybe,just maybe, I'll let you see the raw data before we have to bifurcate them into different subsets.
Of course,dave is gonna call from accounting.
He's gonna wt his numbers and his reports,and I'm gonna give it to him,because I'm always on time yeah,that's right,girl.
You better get some rest.
Go morning! Hey,guys.
This is my daughter michelle.
She's coming to work with me today.
- Hey there! - Hi,michelle! Guess I'm in the back.
who brings home the bacon? Daddy does! she's not a baby,cindy.
No,um,I believe she was talking to me.
Who's widing in the backseat today? - daddy is! - Yeah.
I'm widing in their backseat.
Would any one of my parents be interested in a major decision inlving my life? Sure.
Why not? As you may know,I am one unit shy of a college degree.
Yeah,you never turned in your paper on the water-powered car.
It was both solar and water-powered,and I will be damned if I give them my ideas for free.
Nonetheless,I am returning to college.
Marm,that's wonderful! Yes,and the pride you'll feel as parents I'm sure will make theoney you're spending well worth it.
The money.
Yes,the money.
Knewhat was coming.
Tell me more about the money,son.
Father,as you must know,america is an expensive place, and web state university is one of the finest in the land,and,therefore,uh,costly.
Web state? It's an online university.
Well,I'm off to find my virtual classroom.
The seats next to the cute girls always go so fast,if you know what I mean.
Let me get over.
What's going on? - Hey,michelle.
- Yeah.
It's take your daughter to work day.
Yes.
That's laird's seat,by the way.
Okay.
I'll move--I'll move over.
There's a kid inhe car.
I can't swear with a kid in the car.
You know,actually,laird,I'd prefer if we never swore in the car.
Okay.
Um,anyone who wants to hear what I did last night and with whom and how many times should get out of the car now.
do you want to get some pictures of where your ddy gets his coffee every morning? - Okay.
- Okay.
She's so thrilled.
This is her rst time seeing her dad in action.
Don't blow it.
Blow it? How? You know what? You're her father.
You're the most important man in the world to her,so well,I do have a pretty cool job.
Yeah.
You want to explain what you do again? I'm a numbers guy.
I take numbers and put them into digital subsets.
And then I blankety-blank,blah,blah numbers guy.
Thank you for clearing that up.
Gracen's point is,what happens today could traumatize your daughter for the rest of her life.
that's actually not my point at all.
It should be.
You see,aubrey,you are a superhero in your daughter's eyes.
You're "dad man.
" You can do anything.
That how you felt about your dad? Sure,till the summer I found out he sold hot dogs at the ballpark.
That's why I can't commit to a woman.
I don't get the connection.
Who would? I think what laird's trying to say is,today's very important for your daughter's sense of self-worth.
foot-longs here! Get your foot-longs.
Foot-longs here.
Get your foot-longs.
Foot-longs here! we should do this more often.
You're right.
We should do this more often.
Oh,it's just so hard to find the time,what with all of life's rigmaroles.
did I use that word right? I don't think so.
Leila,I admire you so much.
I mean,your skin is perfect.
It is so focused.
Thanks I think.
And yet at times,it must get tired.
It must? You should try this.
It's made by green qen.
Its products contain live algae and are eco-friendly.
Wait.
Areyou selling this? What? Selling?No! Leila,please,this is a gift.
The big bottle's $88.
Ah,what the heck? Call it $86.
Cindy,is this a sales call? It is an improving-your-life call.
And 8 cents from every dollar goes to finding homes for polar bears displaced by shrinking ice floes.
I could have sworn you once said you like the planet.
where's your office,daddy? I need to take a picture of it for my school report.
What school report? On what my daddy does.
My friend's dad is a surgeon.
He's gonna take a picture of a beating human heart.
Where's your office? Is it huge? Eh,you know.
I'll bet you have the biggest office in the whole building.
Hello? Oh,yeah,of course I do.
what do you think? - Hey,you wanna see it? - Yeah! All right,well,come on in here.
Yeah,hurry up.
Get in there.
- I knew it would look like this.
- Yeah.
Take a picture,and let's get out of here.
Who are these people? Oh,honey,yeah,don't touch that.
I'll get that Yeah,yeah,I'm--I'm okay,honey.
I just cut my hand a little bit,e? aubrey? What the hell are you doing in here? Blood! It's an emergency! Uh,no,there's no need to-- you know,there's an awful lot about being a boss that I just love.
Like having your own bathroom.
But there are some things,aubrey,that I just hate about it.
Now we've had a pretty rough year here.
There's no denying that,and we're going to have to let some people go,and-- oh,no,no,no! I really hate to do this to you-- well,you know what I hate? Sitting here for 15 years taking crap from you.
You know what we call you behind your back? "Ace"? We call you "mr.
Stinky" and "stink machine.
" And you know why? Not just 'cause you stink as a boss,which you do, but because you actually stink! I think what I was gonna ask if you would help me by coming up with a list of employees you thought we should keep.
I wish you had told me that first.
Guys,you know what? There's no need to grab on me like that! This is a $200 suit! Be careful! Go easy,sister.
I didn't get fired! I've always been nice to you guys! Sorry.
Sorry.
So,michelle,did you finally get to see what your daddy does at work? He gets fired.
He got fired on take your daughter to work day? That is so sad.
You know,I thought his skin had that tired-from-beingired look.
Speaking of which,I'm selling so much green queen right now,it is crazy.
In fact,they're gonna let me franchise.
shut up.
I am so proud of you.
It's crazy.
These women just--they open their doors, and I say "hello" in a shy,midwestern way,and then bam! I friggin' nail 'em! Bam! Ka-ching time.
Can I get a ka-ching dance? Oh,you want a ka-ching dance? - I would like a ka-ching dance.
- Okay.
I'm the queen of the green 'cause I'm lean and mean and I'm a selling machine in my tight,white jeans smack that ass! I'm so disappointed in you.
What? It's cindy.
She skips in here,and before you kw it,she's slathered moisturizer on me, d then she's out at her car yelling,"ka-ching time!" Stopwhat are you doing? Don't stroke me.
I have to.
It's freaking me out.
You're so soft.
You're like a-- you're like a marshmallow right out of the bag.
Well,I am off to campus,so father,this would be an appropriate time to stop me and say something like, "son,I'm proud of you.
"You're completing your higher education in the privacy of your room.
" I-I'm proud of you,son.
I am.
I-I-I'm a little more proud of what you might achieve after you graduate.
Really? Like what? Like,uh,maybe getting a job or moving out.
I don't see it.
But anything's possible,as john quincy adams said at some point.
that's weird.
That's aubrey.
aubrey? He was fired.
Why would he still be driving? This ought to be nice and awkward.
aubrey,you know,you don't have to keep driving us.
No,come on.
Just 'cause I got axed doesn't terminate my responsibilities to the carpool.
Kinda does.
How you doing? I'm great! Oh,yeah.
Yesterday was just a speed bump--you know,a hiccup,a much-needed boot in the nuts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think everything overall's gonna be great.
You bet,buddy.
- Fantastic to get fired.
- Yes.
not--not really.
Listen,are you gonna look at some online job sites? - What are you gonna do? - Come on.
Are y kiddin' me? I'm not gonna dillydally with that old interweb bull jive.
No,I'm gonna rely on good,old-fashioned word of mouth and classifieds,hmm? The interweb's kind of here to stay,buddy.
Hey,come on,guys.
Don't worry about me.
I'm like the phillip mulcahey of numbers guys.
Who's phillip mulcahey? he's like the michael jordan of all data managers.
"who's mulcahey?" there's nothing out there.
I've called everyone.
I think numbers are going out of fashion.
All numbers? Yeah,use 'em while you got 'em.
I gotta find something,anything,before friday,or my daughter's not gonna be able to write her report.
You'll find something.
You're her superhero.
Oh,will you shut up with that? Yeah,I'm a superhero.
I'm jobless man.
My powers include feeling helpless and crying in the bathroom.
Uh,I've dlne some financial analysis like you asked, and it seems that your nest egg runs out in nine days.
Nine days? Don't panic.
Why shouldn't I panic? I'm in crisis,and I blame you three guys.
Well,you can think that if it makes you feel better.
What makes me feel better is a job.
Well,I may know of something.
Open.
Open.
Hey,I'm squeamish.
So keep thinking,guys.
I hesitate to say this.
What is it? Anything,I'll do it.
I may know of something.
Professor,your subject is ready.
welcome,class.
This is your model--aubrey.
Hi,everyone! Aubrey,please disrobe.
What? aubrey,take off your clothes.
Sir,this is an art class.
We need to see your naked form.
All right.
What's up,everybody? I can't do it! I may be desperate,but my soft,sweet brown skin is not for sale.
Well,I may know of something.
Now remember,I make 10% of everything you sell.
Got it.
Can you smell that? You know what that is? Green queen,with its all-natural ingredients.
Nope.
Money.
It's ka-ching time.
Thank you so much for letting us host a green queen party for aubrey.
Anything for the cult--cause.
We have some great men's products--leila! - How's your moisturizer working out? - Pretty well.
- Do you need any more? - No.
Okay,I'll take that as a maybe.
and as I demonstrate this aloe on my wife's feet,you'll notice how soft it is.
You know,I think it's sweet.
The guy set a goal for himself to have a job by the time his daughter did her report, and--and he did it.
He did it.
Yeah,but come on.
The guy's a lotion guy.
How embarrassing is that? Hey,my wife sells this stuff.
She's a woman.
So? Oh,god,you're one of those.
Marmaduke,where are you going with that keg? We're having a huge online frat party.
It's gonna be out of control.
Know what? Have a kid and then give me that look.
Aubrey,come here.
Okay,so this is your first green queen scene.
I know.
I'm really nervous.
- My daughter's out there,and I just want to make- - I was actually still talking.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
- So I'm your regional manager,and everything you say or do reflects upon me,so - got it.
Other than that,just,uh,make it your own.
Aubrey it up.
Good luck.
- Aubrey it up.
- All right! Hello,everybody.
I am so excited to introduce to you the newest star in the green queen galaxy aubrey! here I come! Yeah! keep it going,everybody! Wrinkles! you better run! Run away,wrinkles! folks,my skin used to be dryer than a lizard's elbow on the 4th of july.
no mor unh-unh.
You know why? - Tell me.
- green queen! Green queen,folks! - don't forget to mention the polar bears.
- I will,thank you.
Folks,let me tell you a little story.
This morning,I had the pleasure of meeting a little,old woman.
She'd been beaten down by life Several busted marriages Smoked the occasional cigar.
Yeah,it's true.
But I sold her some green queen.
This afternoon,I saw her in the store buying a bottle of rum, and she got asked for her I.
D.
! She got carded 'cause she looked too young to vote! come on!That's green queen.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Come on! Green queen.
Green queen Come on,folks,share the softness with me.
Green queen! - Tell me how that feels.
- Oh,it's so soft! It feels soft! That's what I'm talking about--green queen! Let's dance those wrinkles away! Come on! Green queen! Green queen I'm a,uh,I'm just hooked to you my watch-- No,no,no.
My watch is stuck.
Just take it easy.
no,no,no,no.
Just don't-- I'm never seen that done so well.
It's okay.
No,no,no,no.
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
this--this is okay.
I just-- I'm fine! really,I'm fine.
Aubrey.
Fired again.
Okay,kids,come on! Breakfast is ready.
who wants peanut butter? We had that for dinner last night.
No,no,sweetie.
This is the chunky kind.
It's different.
Don't you have to get ready so you can come to my school? Oh,yeah,sure,yes.
Let me get dressed.
I'm worried.
I called,and s outgoing message was just a bunch of kids screaming.
yeah,it always sounds like that.
- Really? - Yep.
Well,let'check on him anyway.
the fall of saigon here.
Aubrey! - how are you? - Lookin' good.
What are you guys doing in my house? Well,we saw your car out front,and we were just kind of wondering why you're not at your daughter's school.
'Cause I'm not going.
- This is all your fault.
- What? How is this my fault? You pushed him into your wife's green queen cult.
Whoa,it's not a cult.
It is a group of people led by a chasmatic leader who tells 'em what to say and do.
Guys,I'm right here.
All right,listen.
Get your butt out of the chair,aubrey,and go to job day.
Job day is for daddies with jobs.
When they have jobless d,let me know.
I'll be up and at 'em.
- He's got a point.
- What? Listen to me.
Maybe you're not your daughter's superhero,okay? Who cares? I can tell you one thing-- you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life if you don't show up for her today.
All right.
Put some clothes on! Here's the human heart my dad put the pig valve in.
 I helped.
Very impressive.
Thank you,atticus.
It's gonna be a tough act to follow.
Okay,michelle,your turn.
This isn't right.
Aubrey? Aubrey! Look,I can't let my little girl miliate herself.
Mrs.
Cutler,may I address the class? Oh,I guess so.
hey,guys,I'm michelle's dad,and I'm curreny unemployed.
It's not michelle's fault.
Actually,iS.
What is wrong with you? And that's why she doesn't have anything good to write in her report.
Yes,I do.
"When my daddy makes my lunch,"he always puts in a funny note to make me laugh.
"When he reads my bedtime stories,"he does all the silly voices.
If I have a spelling test,he helps me practice.
" Honey,"spelling" is with two l'S.
"It doesn't matter what he does during the day,"because his real job is being my dad.
And when it comes to that,he's the best.
" Thank you,sweetie.
Yes.
- Sweet.
- Thanks Does that teacher have some sweater knobs,orhat? Aubrey? Where have you been r the last three days? What do you mean? You fired me.
What? Come on.
No! No,I would-- you know I was just showing off for my daughter.
Don't you remember? I-I winked.
Didn't you see? I went uh,uh,yeah! Oh,yeah! That's why I hurled all those insults at you.
yeah,make it seem real.
- you were very convincing.
- Thanks.
I mean,you almost had me believing that I smelled bad.
- That's great,huh? - You! uh,you're,uh,you're sure your car can run on green queen? 300 miles a gallon,and the engine will run like one half its age.
and the exhaust smells like cucumbers.
web state university has got a lot of these kids to be proud of.
Next is maaduke brooker.
You may now print your dipma.
marm,we're just-- we're so proud of you.
It's a great day,son.
Did you get it? - Yes! - Good.
Okay,well,good.
There's a reception to follow,uh,in the bathroom.
Let me make sure there's ice.