CHiPs (1977) s01e13 Episode Script

How dare you! That's the crudest remark I've ever heard.
It's okay.
It's It's okay, we'll get you to a hospital.
Okay, okay.
My wife, she have a baby now.
Okay.
Hey, come back.
Hey, come back.
Hey, don't leave me.
Come back, officer! Ten minutes? More like 30.
It was an emergency.
I'll split it with you.
Fifteen.
Yeah, now I know why you're always broke.
You can't add.
Come on, what happened? My motor home had a sudden illness.
The generator died.
No electricity, no water pressure, no air conditioning, no nothing.
I had to get a mechanic to fix it.
A mechanic? You need a surgeon.
All right, you can laugh.
You got a home, you got a place to stay.
All I got is an emergency on wheels.
Thirty-minute emergency.
We'll have to see if Getraer thinks so.
Hey, he's just a sergeant.
Nobody asked him to think.
Help.
Help.
Over here, help me, please.
Over here.
Come.
Over here.
Help.
Help, please! You came back.
Gracias, gracias, you came back.
What do you mean I came back? and Alvarado.
Quick, mi esposa.
Ponch, call for an ambulance.
Make sure it's equipped for a premature.
This lady doesn't have much time.
- Easy, easy.
- L.
A.
15 Roll a county rescue for emergency in childbirth.
Okay, just a minute now.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid.
There you are.
There you are.
There you are.
Okay, just bear down.
Relax, okay? Let mother nature take its course.
Bear down.
I'm afraid.
No, no, I can't.
- No.
- Don't be afraid.
Okay, come on, just take it easy.
Just hang on.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Please, it's our first baby.
We can't lose it.
Nothing can happen.
Please don't let nothing happen.
Everything is gonna be great, it's gonna be great.
- We do this all the time.
- Yeah, we do this all the time.
- We're experts.
We're specialists.
- Yeah.
I'm the second-best baby-deliverer in the world.
He's the first.
You're a very lucky woman, you know that? Thank you, gracias.
At least you have a car.
My mother had me in a bus.
And look how beautiful I turned out.
No.
No.
Okay, just bear down one last time.
Just bear down one last time.
Ponch, look.
I'm a father! I'm a father.
I'm a father.
Hey, no cigars.
I'm sorry.
Next time, I have.
- It's a girl! - No, it's a boy.
Okay, it's a boy! - Where were you? - Delivering a baby.
Yeah, well, welcome to the club.
Hey, partner, you were beautiful.
You got hands of a surgeon, did you know that? Yeah, well, I had a little help from Mother Nature.
But, hey, you didn't do too bad yourself.
Yeah, I guess I did pretty good, huh? I did do a terrific job.
- Thank you.
- Hey, it's okay.
- Gracias, gracias.
- Any time.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
What a life.
I bring a baby into the world and become an orphan myself.
All in one day.
Okay, Ponch, I tell you what.
If your motor home isn't fixed, you can move into my apartment.
I thought you'd never ask.
For a little while.
Well, if it isn't Ponch, the pediatrician.
Congratulations, guys.
You cheapskate.
It was a whole baby.
Hey, my wife is four months along.
You guys gonna be available? Dr.
Jon would be okay.
But sure got an ugly nurse.
What do you guys know? You're car cops.
Well, we do know Getraer wants to see you on the double.
I wonder what Getraer wants with us.
Probably wants to offer congratulations.
Hi, sarge, wanna see us? Oh, yeah.
Wanna take a seat? I bet you wanna offer congratulations on the delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Ponch, baby boy, remember, baby boy? Hey, either way, it was a baby.
And it wasn't easy, sarge.
I mean, the strain alone can wear down a normal man.
Yet me and my faithful partner here, we delivered new life into this world under the most adverse conditions, sarge.
Fine, Frank, fine.
Now, would you mind sitting down? Look.
I had a complaint today.
It seems that one of my motor officers was a little more than charming to a certain female motorist.
I believe the term is "coming on strong.
" The young lady checked the squad pictures out in the hall and picked you out, Jon.
Wait a minute, she picked me? Yeah, it's more than just being a little friendly with the ladies.
She claims that you upset her and she pulled out into traffic without looking.
I wasn't even there.
I know you weren't, Jon.
But that couple you played doctor for they identified her car as the one that cut him off and you as the officer involved.
In fact, she said you came to check him out and then left to get your partner.
I don't care what they said.
It's not true.
I was Jon, I believe you, you know that.
- All right, then.
Why don't we go out - Look, departmental procedure Departmental procedure says I have got to follow through with the report.
Don't you understand? Yeah, yeah, I understand.
Look, you were the only one on the beat at that time.
And that girl says she spoke to a uniformed officer and swears it was you.
Sarge maybe it was one of those play cops? Right.
I mean, one of those wackos that gets off thinking they're one of us.
That's what I've been thinking.
It's a possibility, and if so this guy's dangerous.
Well, look, anyway, for the record, you guys never ride alone and they say this officer was alone.
Wait a minute.
As a matter of fact Jon, we better get going.
Sarge will take care of everything.
Right, sarge? See you later.
Come on.
We gotta get going.
He's busy.
We've taken enough of his time, come on.
Yeah, you guys can go.
Hey, Ponch, you really didn't have to cover for me.
Hey, I wasn't.
I was covering for me.
It was my emergency, remember? Yeah.
I can't understand how that girl said she could identify me.
I wasn't even there.
Hey, come on, Jon.
Between the glasses, the uniform and the helmet, the public can't tell us apart.
You know, you've seen one, you've seen them all.
Pull it over.
All right, I wanna see everybody's license and registration, please.
May I see your driver's license and registration, please? Look, officer, I'm really sorry about this.
But this really isn't my fault, you see.
You're going over 80, you're weaving in and out of traffic.
Keep that up, you'll be celebrating a funeral instead of a wedding.
Yes, sir.
Will you knock it off? Must be the champagne.
- Wait a minute.
You've been drinking? - Oh, no, sir, not me.
She has, my girlfriend.
I mean my wife.
Just a few glasses, that's all.
- Thank you.
- I'm really sorry about this.
We're just trying to get away on our honeymoon, you see.
These are my friends back here.
They followed me from the party.
We're trying to get away.
They think we're just fooling around.
Today.
Look, I'm sorry if I caused any problems.
My friends too.
You know, they just think it's funny doing this.
Hey, it'd be funny at 55.
Yes, sir.
I'm really sorry about that.
I was trying to outrun them.
I'm in the Navy.
I just got a couple days' leave.
I'm trying to get away.
- Yeah, you're on leave? - Yes, sir.
Okay, I'll be with you in just a minute, all right? The guy probably has a 24-hour leave too.
- All right, where's Dorfner? - Hey, Ponch, listen.
Hey, partner, you're gonna have to help me out with this.
- It'll take an hour to write these up.
- An hour? - At least, yeah.
- That's just enough time.
What are you talking about? I tell you what.
I give you an hour's head start on your buddies back there and just keep it at 55.
Consider it a present from the California Highway Patrol.
- Terrific.
- Thank you, officer.
You're really super.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I really appreciate this.
- You bet.
Have a nice honeymoon.
- Thank you.
- Hey, what happened? - It's okay, we deliver babies too.
They escaped.
How's it going? Hey, you take this.
Okay, Ponch.
And this one.
Oh, matched luggage.
Does it come in any other colors? Hey, I forgot my weights.
Ponch, you'll only be here one night, remember? One single night.
Hey, I can't let my body get flabby, can I? How are you gonna play with this thing with no strings? I was gonna restring it while I was here.
Yeah, okay.
Here.
Hi, Jon.
- How are you doing, Sandy? - Fine, thanks.
I'll talk to you later.
- Okay.
- Who's that? Just a neighbor.
My hero.
Perfect timing.
The bundle on the right is yours.
Oh, thanks a lot, Alice.
- I'll get the door, partner.
- Okay, Ponch.
Wow, how do you do it? Neat as a pin.
- Hey, hi, Dana.
- Hi, Jon.
Different lifestyles, Ponch, that's all.
I'm sorry, Jon, I didn't realize you had company.
Hey, that's okay.
I'm Ponch.
I'm gonna be staying here with Jon for a while.
Will I be seeing a lot of you? I think you've seen enough all ready.
Hey, you don't have to go.
Can't you stay? Oh, that's okay.
I'm losing my sun anyway.
- I'll see you later.
Thanks, Jon.
- You bet.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Thanks.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Who is that? - That is Dana.
- Dana, huh? Hey, come on, Jon, you know what I mean.
What's the story? She's just a stew and she's a neighbor.
She doesn't get any sun on her side of the building so she comes over here and uses the terrace whenever she wants.
Yeah? And that laundry chick, who's that? That was Alice.
She's a legal secretary.
I supply the quarter, she does the wash.
She's a good friend, that's all.
Yeah, well, how many friends like that you got around here, huh? Well, let's see.
There's Nancy, she's upstairs and comes down does the cooking once in a while.
There's charlene.
There's Mary, she does the shopping once in a while.
Charlene's the one that does a little dusting.
Yeah, well, how come you didn't tell me about these lovelies before, partner? I didn't know it was important to you, okay? You didn't know it was important? Hey, Ponch.
Do you really have to put all that stuff in there? Hey, come on.
I gotta keep this stuff fresh.
Oh, come on, that stuff has enough preservatives in it to last forever.
Jon, I like the filling in my Ding Dongs at a certain temperature.
Yeah.
So they don't get gooey, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
No more rock at this hour.
Oh, Ponch.
Hey, the roommates look a little tired this morning.
You bet I'm tired.
I mean, like, how can a man sleep? Every time I doze off another beautiful lady wanders into the apartment to see if Jon needs anything.
I mean, like, he's been adopted by 30 foxy ladies who tend to his every need.
- Hey, come on.
All they are is just - And he calls them friends.
He's the friendliest guy in the whole building.
Oh, and like, the door, it opens automatically to the sound of female breathing.
Okay, old buddy.
It's the kid's turn.
You can't believe this guy.
Stays in my apartment, everybody knows him.
He snores all night, makes this animal noises and he starts walking around at 2:30 in the morning.
- Hey, I get hungry.
- He gets hungry.
You know what? He sleeps with a teddy, a little teddy.
- I've seen him hug it.
- It's not a teddy, it's a pillow.
Oh, it's a pillow.
I tell you.
That's the brownest, fuzziest, wuzziest little pillow I've ever seen.
You love it, Ponch, you love it.
All right, all right, maybe.
But if I had all the friends you had, I wouldn't need it.
Like Alice friend, Mary friend, Jane friend, huh? So that's where they all end up, huh, Jon? What do you mean? Oh, come on.
I saw you up on the Hollywood yesterday.
Hitting up on that brunette in the sedan.
You saw me? - Yeah.
- Hey, come on, Bar, that wasn't Jon.
So, what's the description of this guy you saw, Baricza? Well, it could've been Jon's twin brother.
- Tall, blond hair, just like him.
- Are you positive? Yeah, hey, sarge, I'd recognize that blond baton anywhere.
It's a Baker trademark.
Looks like our theory of a double is right on target, fellas.
I meant to tell you something, sarge.
Ponch and I were separated yesterday.
I had a personal emergency.
At what time? Between 10 and 10:30.
Time of the accident.
Sorry, sarge.
Look, we'll all be sorry if we don't find this character.
Because right now I have to send in a report to Sacramento saying that you were alone at the time of the incident.
What kind of turkey rides around on a motorcycle, thinking he's a cop? Well, the M.
O.
Is usually the same.
They think the uniform and power that goes with it is an answer to an uneventful life.
Guys who wanted to be cops who couldn't make the grade usually because of twisted minds rather than bodies.
They're usually not out to hurt anybody, just to play hero.
In this case, to impress the ladies.
The real danger is that in an emergency situation on the freeway when people look to him for help, he obviously can't deliver.
Most of the time, the public can't tell the difference between us and them.
And of course, that's the real problem for us.
Now, this particular turkey is without conscience.
He caused a very serious accident and left the scene.
So we've gotta find him, and fast.
We can't do it in here.
Let's get to briefing and get out of here.
Hey, I'll never leave you alone again, partner.
Thanks.
Hey, that's Getraer.
Looks like he's hitting the bricks for once.
Mister, you're under arrest.
Shove it, pig, just shove it.
You could've killed somebody.
Highway is not a drag strip.
I'm in no mood for a sermon.
You're not, huh? Well, you're gonna get one anyway.
- Come here.
- Come on, he's talking to you.
- Put your left hand on your head.
- Big deal.
Look, you may not give two cents for your life but there's a lot of people out there who do care about theirs.
Oh, that's real funny.
Is that why you ran me off the road? Because you're worried about life? Look, that's a stolen car and that's a felony.
You call the shots, kid.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Hey.
What's the matter with you? Is it cops? Or you just hate the world in general? What's it to you? You gonna arrest me? Or are we gonna stand around here and play reform school all day? I think that's a little too late for that, old buddy, come on.
- Hey, how are you doing? - Pretty good.
How are you doing? The motor home, almost finished with it? Soon as I'm done.
Let me start all over again.
The motor home, this one, it's mine.
When will you have it fixed? - This one? - Yeah.
We got a problem.
I couldn't get a replacement generator for it.
That thing's so old, they don't make them anymore.
I don't know what we'll do.
- You gotta be kidding.
- No.
Hey, what am I gonna do? I need it.
I live in it.
In that? You gotta be kidding.
- Don't look like anybody could live there.
- Hey, never mind the inside.
You're supposed to work on the generator.
I got a generator that's almost like the one that burnt out.
I'm gonna have to rewire that thing.
It'll take me another day.
Another day? You live in there too? No, I was just curious.
Thanks.
Hey, I'll do the best I can.
Please do, okay? I miss my home sweet home.
Yeah, and I miss mine too.
Oh, hi, Jon.
I was just using your hair dryer.
- I blew a fuse in my apartment, okay? - Oh, sure.
- Great.
Thanks.
- You bet.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Bye.
- Bye.
How come you didn't ask her to stay? Because she was finished drying her hair.
You should have asked her to stay for coffee.
I would have offered her a Ding Dong or something.
What's the matter? I don't know.
Just this double-character thing starting to get me down.
Hey, easy, huh? You know the whole squad is behind you.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, we're gonna get this dude.
Hey, that's a promise from old Ponch to his best buddy.
Yeah.
Thanks, Ponch.
I just hope it happens soon.
Hey, it will be, partner.
It will be.
Hello, officer.
May I see your driver's license and registration? - What did I do? - You were doing 40 in a 35-mile zone.
That's ridiculous.
I wasn't going over 30.
Are you gonna give me your license or do I have to run you in? All right.
Jobina Dennings, 166 Ivy Lane.
That's the swinging singles place over by Eagle Street, isn't it? If you're going to write a ticket, do it and get it over with.
Hey, look here, babe.
What do you say you just drive home, and I'll tag along behind you? And then I'll stop up for a little nightcap.
And How dare you? Look, I want you to know Officer Block, I'm gonna report you.
Oh, no, you don't.
What are you doing? Give me back my keys.
Let me have those.
What are you doing? I know what goes on in the swinging single places.
A cop who risks his life in the line of duty isn't good enough for you, is he? Let me go.
You're scaring Let me go.
No.
Are you crazy? Let me go.
What do you think you're doing? Not a bad movie, huh, partner? Yeah, Ponch, thanks.
It was a good idea.
Hey, looks like one of our guys is in trouble.
Give me those keys back or Let go of me.
What are you doing? - Hold it.
We're cHPs.
- She was resisting arrest.
- He's a liar.
Let me go.
- Ma'am.
- I won't hurt you.
- Let me go.
- Hey, hey.
- I'm gonna report both of you.
- You're in it together.
- Ma'am.
Ma'am.
- Let me go.
- We don't wanna hurt you, all right? - Don't Let me go.
- Relax a minute, we don't want All right, hold it, freeze it right there.
Lady, step away from them.
Okay, now what's going on? Their friend stopped me and then made dirty insinuations and attacked me and these two came along and helped him.
Hey, listen, we're cHPs, okay? We're gonna reach for IDs.
You do it very slowly.
We were assisting another officer and Where did he go? Hey, he split.
He's a phony officer.
Haven't you heard about the phony CHP officer? Yeah, the phony.
We had a teletype in briefing.
Yeah.
You mean he wasn't a real cop? - Well, listen, we're gonna have to - Please, I just wanna go home.
I don't I can't take any more of this.
We don't blame you, after what that jerk put you through and us coming along and making it worse.
Just relax and everything will be fine.
Hey You look like him.
What? You look like him.
Yeah, I know.
I gotta write a report on this.
My partner's really good with reports so he'll give you a hand, right, partner? Yeah, thanks, Ponch.
Listen, we're really sorry.
Really, now.
I just think I'm too shaky to drive home.
We'll be glad to drive you home.
Hey.
I mean that as innocent as it sounds.
Please.
Thanks.
All right.
Come on.
Why me? What's the matter? Power go off? Hey, you are off, all right? You're not only a danger to yourself, you're a danger to my peace of mind.
Because of a little music? Come on, it's too quiet around here.
No sounds, no beat.
Put a seashell up to your ear and listen to the beat of the seashore, okay? I mean, I don't wanna share it with you.
I don't know.
Maybe nothing's wrong with you.
All this stuff I don't Maybe I'm crazy.
I don't know.
I just wonder how much a new motor home for you is gonna cost.
Who is it? It's Jon.
- Oh, Jon, hi.
- Hi.
Listen.
I'm sorry, can I borrow your couch for the night? Sure, come on in.
What is with you, you turkey? Driving a monster like this doesn't give you right of way.
Well, maybe the signal broke, but I'm big enough for you to see, stupid.
Oh, yeah? I got better things to look for than dummies like you.
If you want to test your bumper, why don't you just drive into a brick wall? At least a brick wall's got more brains than you.
Brains! You do not know the meaning of the word "brains.
" You realize you're blocking half the city street with Well, if you'd watch where you were going! - Watch where I was going? - That little car - You talk about brains, fellow.
- It's a big locomotive, how can you hit it? - You can't even see, can you? - Oh, I can.
- I am going to teach you a lesson.
- LA 15 I am going to teach you a lesson because I can take it.
Calm down, all right? It doesn't look like anybody's injured.
No use getting injured by fighting.
- All right.
- Need an 11-84 for assistance.
Do me a favor, will you? Put out an APB on his brain.
Hey, how about doing me a favor, okay? You guys finished? Get a load of the size of that thing.
Must be a heck of a thing to drive? We gotta get this traffic cleared up.
So can you move it? - Nope.
- What do you mean? I'm not moving until all the paperwork's filled out.
Hey.
Want it moved? Move it yourself.
I'll make a deal with you.
We'll both move the engine.
Deal? Well, maybe.
Hey, beauty, what's happening? How many horsepower has she got? - Thirty-six hundred.
Yup.
- Thirty-six hundred? You wanna try it? No, I mean, I don't know how.
I mean, I couldn't.
It's your last chance.
- Well, no, I mean, like, I'm in uniform - Yeah.
And everything, I couldn't Hey, Jon.
- He's mine, baby.
- Not until I'm finished with him.
He's even better-looking than you are.
Wait a minute.
Are you guys really cops? Yeah.
We're really cops.
Except that it comes from the inside not from what you're wearing.
- Hey, yeah? - How are you doing? Okay, how are you doing? Now wait a minute, wait a minute, let's not go to through that again.
I'm the cop who owns the problem you're working on.
Oh, this one? Well, it's okay, I guess.
Well, is that just a guess? You see, I got the generator hooked up but I can't get the dumb thing to work.
Hey, wait a minute.
You said you'd have that thing fixed today.
Hey, I'm sorry, guys, I'm gonna need more time.
Here, Ponch.
What are you doing? You can have my apartment, my stereo, my car, everything.
What? Yeah, you can have Cerie, Roni, Sandy, Charlene, Alice, all of them.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna stay right here.