Code Monkeys (2007) s01e13 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
Dave: I love you, whores!
Jerry: 3 new games
all shipping tomorrow?
This is completely insane!
I mean, I'm all for
overachieving of course,
but we're gonna be up all night.
Dave: Is this too much?
Clare: Ew!
Pull your pants up, freak show!
[Zip]
Mary: Well, Todd finally
passed out.
Clare: He looks fatter
in his sleep.
Todd: Mmm.
Mother, please kiss me
on the lips.
Mmm. Mmm.
Dave: I've got to put
a stop to this
before we hear the phrase
"Mother, suck it."
Todd: Aah! My back!
Mary: Now that's just wrong.
Todd: It's not my fault.
I had a 64-ounce Big Sip,
my bladder was compromised
during the fall.
Larrity: Oh, help! Benny's been
kidnapped by ninjas!
Jerry: What?!
Todd: Oh, my back!
Larrity: Somebody let
a cat loose in here?
Never mind. Benny and I
were just out
for a father-son-type drive.
It was real dreamy like.
Benny: Oh, Mr. Larrity,
it seem like
the sandwich you gave me
is stuffed with gold coins.
Larrity: Damn straight,
and there's a lot more
where that came from--ha--
if you keep your mouth shut
about that whore
who jumped in my trunk
already dead, "ca-peach"?
Benny: Whores are crazy.
You taught me that,
honorable father.
Larrity: Well, you are
a good student.
Larrity, voice-over:
And then all the sudden,
these crazy ninjas jumped out
like in them Chinamen movies.
Benny: Mr. Larrity,
what's happening?
Larrity: We're being attacked
by black people!
No, wait. They're ninjas!
I'd like to see you dodge
hot steel, ninja.
Benny: Oh! Mr. Larrity, help me!
[Voice reverberating]
So that's when I--
Yes, Jerry?
Jerry: Why are you holding
a flashlight
in front of your face
when all the lights are on?
Larrity: Jerry, my granddaddy
told me something
I'll never forget.
He said if you want to
win a war,
you gots to always keep
them guessing.
Dave: And we're at war?
Larrity: You're damn right!
Jerry: Ohh!
Larrity: A war with Protendo.
They the ones behind all this!
Dave: How do you know that?
Larrity: Instinct, boy.
Now back to the story.
Some of them ninjas
stayed behind
to finish me off.
Then they moved like
greased lightning on a pig,
faster than [beep]
on a rain-soaked tin roof,
or like liquid lightning
what's dumped from a cup.
And for only the ninth time
in my life,
I was completely powerless,
and I--I--I lost Benny,
and that's why we're
going to Jap'n to rescue him,
and, yes, Black Steve,
hell just froze over.
I'm gonna pay overtime.
Steve: Hell, yeah!
Larrity: Yes, Bobbies, what?
Mary: Don't you think it's
possible this could be a trap?
I mean, Takeda Matsui is
the head of Protendo.
-And?
-And you killed his brother.
Larrity: When was that?
Mary: It was 7 weeks ago.
They broke the one-day
efficiency record.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Men groaning]
Aah! Agh!
Jerry: Oh, my god!
Larrity: I could have sworn
that guy's name was Willie,
but what's your point?
Mary: My point is maybe
he wants to kill you
or all of us.
Larrity: Look. It don't matter
if it's a trap, people.
You don't come into Big T's
house Christmas morning
and take a [beep] on my lap.
Benny's one of us,
and God only knows
what tortures he's
already undergone
at the hands of them
merciless yellowmen!
Takeda: The food,
is it satisfactory?
Benny: It's not bad.
I'm still waiting
for my Pixy Stix, though.
Takeda: Salarymen, what
did I tell you?
Now stop dishonoring me
and find Pixy Stix
for our honored guest.
Salarymen: Hai!
Takeda: It won't be long
before Larrity comes
searching for you,
my little Malaysian hostage.
Benny: I'm Korean, fool!
I'm out of here!
Takeda: Very sorry, Benny,
but you will not be
going anywhere.
Ha ha ha!
Benny: On second thought,
I think I can hang
with you people.
You got cable
in this place or what?
Larrity: Since you all are gonna
have to be my strike force,
I'm gonna assign
each of you a role.
Fatty, I know these guys
are gonna have
some crazy security systems,
and I need your crazy
computer brains to beat it.
Todd: By the power
of Grayskull--huh--
God, this is heavy.
Agh. My back.
Larrity: Jerry, I need your
everyman personality
to help soothe
these Japanese.
They love geeks over there,
so you should be bigger
than Eddie Murphy
selling gold chains.
Jerry: Oh, OK.
Larrity: Black Steve,
I have no idea
what I'm gonna do with you,
so you're not coming.
Steve: Fine, bitch.
I didn't want no part
of this half-assed
con job no how.
That hurt's my [beep] heart.
Larrity: Dave, it says here--
Steve: I really wanted to go
to Japan.
Larrity: Says right here
on your resume
that you're a master
of the Japanese language.
Dave: Sí.
Larrity: Whoo!
Color me impressed!
Dave: Tango, hombre, agua.
Larrity: And last but
certainly not least,
ladies, apparently, you
have vaginas
and will trade them like
currency on the high seas,
so no bawlin' when you take
that trip to torture town.
Clare: Cool! Torture town!
Mary: What?!
Clare: Come on, Mary.
Free trip.
Mary: You really are stupid.
Mr. Larrity I will not--
Larrity: No more talking.
Now pack your things
and meet me at Pier 69
in 20 minutes.
The fate of the world
depends on it.
Takeda: Amazing. You have
tested all these games.
[Pbbt]
Benny: That's what I think
of your stupid game,
and that's what I think
of your sucky, sucky game.
Your game isn't even worthy
of being farted on!
It's the worst game I ever seen,
but I going to make you a deal.
Now go. I got my eye
on you, bitch.
Takeda: I begin to see why
Larrity cares for you so much.
You are number one game tester.
-You direct, efficient.
-Aah!
Benny, I know our relationship
began as hostage taker
to hostage.
Perhaps when this is over,
you can come work for Protendo.
Benny: You got a cigarette?
Clare: Whose vagina do you
think will go for more, Mary,
mine or yours?
Mary: I could care less, Clare.
Clare: Totally mine.
Mary: Mine.
Jerry: Where is Larrity?
Dave: He's not coming, dude.
Larrity smelled
of whiskey and whores.
Oh! Just like your dad did
the night he told us
the Super Bowl was fixed.
Jerry: Shut up!
Larrity: Welcome aboard
the S.S. Notajetski.
It's a little prize I stole
from them Ruskies
during the late unpleasantness
in Vietnam.
Now get on in, everybody. Yeeha!
Clarence: Going down ♪
Larrity: Oh, yeah. Clarence
insisted on coming, too.
Clarence: I always insist
on coming ♪
Larrity: Thank you.
That's disgusting.
Mary: What the [beep]?
It's Harrison Ford!
Larrity: Oh, right. I'm also
bringing Harrison Ford along.
He's a master of these
types of adventures,
and, uh, also, he's great
at finding things that are lost
like arks and stuff.
Ford: For the last time,
that is the character I play--
Indiana Jones,
and he found treasures,
not some Asian midget
with a two-pack a day habit!
Larrity: Damn you,
Harrison Ford!
Benny is a treasure,
you son of a bitch!
[Slap]
Dave: Wow. Larrity's got more
back hand than John McEnroe.
Ford: Shut it, runt!
Dave: Ha ha!
Make me, Blade Runner!
Ford: Laugh it up, fur ball.
Dave: Han Solo cut me. Awesome.
Jerry, take a picture.
Larrity: OK, people.
Enough playing grab-ass.
Put the lipstick on the pig,
and let's it to the rodeo.
Come on!
[Snort]
Why can't I go to Japan?
I'm the one who speaks
[beep] Japanese.
Dean: Hey. I got lost on the way
to work again this morning.
Yo. Where is everybody?
Oh, no. You killed them.
Look, look.
I won't say anything.
I can help get rid
of the bodies.
We're gonna need a hole
and some gasoline.
Just don't kill me, Black Steve.
Please, bro.
Steve: No. They're all in Japan
rescuing Benny,
all of them except me.
Dean: Aw, dude.
I want to go to Japan.
I love reggae music
except for the fact it has
the word "gay" in it.
Steve: Hey, fool.
Reggae music is from Jamaica.
I ought to shoot the [beep]
out you right now.
Wait. You still got
that company credit card?
Larrity: We glide
through the deep
like a silent assassin.
Dave: Whoa! Lesbian mermaids
starboard bow.
Man: Captain Remus,
you better hear this.
Dave: OH, man. One of them's
about to go downtown, right,
and then the other one, like,
she had her hand on the boom,
and then there was lady tongue--
Remus: Give me the periscope,
you ass.
The Notajetski.
Larrity, that old salty bastard!
Load torpedo tubes, comrades.
Dave: Um, does somebody want to
do something about that?
Larrity: We been spotted!
It's the Ruskies!
Ford: Russians?
Dave: No, the Ruskies.
Man, you don't listen, do you,
Working Girl?
Larrity: Yeah. I owe them
about a billion dollars,
and they're being total
dillholes about it.
Remus: Larrity,
you son of a whore!
Time to feel the wrath
of Mother Russia!
This time the Blue September
will sink you at last, Larrity.
Larrity: Sink me?
You're going down faster
than your mama at
a [beep] sucking contest. Over.
Remus: No. You're going down
faster than your dad did
on our first date. Over.
Ford: What the hell
does that mean?
Remus: Junior, is that you?
Jerry: This is it,
isn't it, Dave?
We're gonna die here, right?
Dave: Not if years
of useless video game playing
has anything to do about it.
It's time to pull the old
asses and elbows.
Remus: Blast! The day is theirs.
Todd: Uh, what are you doing,
Mr. Larrity?
Larrity: Gots to scuttle
the ship, son.
Leave no trace.
Mary: Won't we need it
to get back?
Larrity: Always leave them
guessing.
Always leave them guessing.
Clare: Mr. Larrity,
stop, no!
Jerry: Dave and Harrison Ford
are still on board!
Larrity: Who cares?
Jerry: Oh, man.
Larrity: Suck it up, people.
No use crying.
Dave and Harrison Ford are dead.
Them's the wages of war.
Jerry: That wasn't war.
You killed them.
Larrity: Did I, Jerry?
Did I really,
or was it Protendo
that killed them?
Jerry: No, it wasn't.
It was you!
Larrity: Are you sure
about that?
Jerry: Yes, I am!
Larrity: Huh. Ah, well.
Let's go to Tokyo, everybody.
Come on!
[Thunder]
Dave: Dude, we were so lucky
that sub had an escape capsule.
Ford: Nice job managing
to fart it up
for the 10 seconds we were
in there!
Dave: Yeah. You're welcome.
Ford: It's time for us to go
our separate ways, Red.
You're dead weight.
Harrison Ford waits for no man!
Dave: Ha ha!
Indiana Jones my ass.
-Where the hell am I?
-Maybe in hell.
-Who are you do, dude?
-Yogetsu,
first ever programmer
of video game in Japan,
and you are Dave
from GameaVision.
Dave: How do you know that?
Am I dead? Oh. Am I High?
Yogetsu: No, no.
Come with me.
Now you are high. Ha ha ha!
Damn it! Don't bogart that!
Dave: Sweet. Nice Dagobong,
but I still don't know
how you knew my name.
Yogetsu: "Gamer" magazine.
Big fan of Big Ass Dolphin I am.
-Level 23 I reach.
-Bull[beep].
Yogetsu: No. No bull[beep].
Dave: Master.
Yogetsu: Oh, no. Not master.
Bad Ass!
I know why you are here, too.
To stage rescue mission
at Protendo,
my former employer.
I create first ever game
for them called Wong,
but when crappy American
knockoff do better,
they fire me.
My knees they break many times.
Dave: Those bastards.
No respect for art.
-Yes.
-We're gonna go take revenge
on they anyway.
You can come.
Yogetsu; Not so easy.
First, you must train,
or you will die.
Dave: Train? It's just
a video game company.
How hard could it be
to storm in there?
Takeda: They are near now,
Benny.
My spies have found them,
so you'll need to stay here
for all time
for your safekeeping.
Benny: Oh yeah, right.
I heard that before.
Hey, Bruce Lee. This cig
ain't gonna light itself.
Let's go! Move it! Chop!
Takeda: Activate
the Grid!
Awe-inspiring, isn't it?
Benny: What? I seen
better lasers
at Pink Floyd concert.
Get it? Pink Floyd?
I got a million of them!
Takeda: Revenge calls.
Where could they be?
[Roar]
Larrity: They're all yours,
fellas.
Mary: What the hell?
Clare: Um, excuse me,
but just out of curiosity,
was there any variation
in the pricing
between my hoo-ha and hers?
Ow! Ow! I bruise easily.
Does this mean I can be
a geisha?
Larrity: As always, pleasure
doing business
with your fine gentlemen.
Let me know if there's
anything else
you'd be interested
in getting into.
Man: I can think of something
he can do for me.
Clarence: Sweet ♪
[Grunting]
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
[Slurping and kissing sounds]
Jerry: What are you gonna do
with all the guns, Mr. Larrity?
Larrity: I'm gonna shoot them!
Jerry: But we already had
a bunch of guns,
and don't think that
with Dave dead
we might have wanted
the extra people
to help us out?
You just sold Mary,
and Dave is dead!
Does no one care but me?
Larrity: Calm down, Jerry.
Clarence: Yeah, you're acting
really gay ♪
Larrity: Did you just
pee yourself?
Jerry: Yes. Damn it.
You'd think I'd be used
to having people
pull guns on me by now.
Clarence: Ooh, yeah ♪
Yogetsu: Jump! Down!
To the left!
Ahh. You suck!
You move like gay old lady.
Down! Jump!
Dave: Wolverines! I'm ready.
Let's do this.
Yogetsu: No. Not yet
complete your training.
Dave: We'll have to make do
because Dave has got
a taste for revenge.
Larrity: Hello, sweetie. Ha ha!
My name's Larrity.
I should have an appointment,
I think.
Woman: Ah, yes. Mr. Larrity,
it looks here as if you do
have appointment.
69th floor, please.
Elevator that way.
Todd: Well, they seem
rather nice. So polite.
Jerry: What the hell?
Larrity: Always keep
them guessing, Jerry. Ha ha!
Todd: You told them
we were here?
Jerry: Does it bother anyone
else that Dave is dead?
Todd: Ugh. Get over it.
Am I the only one who thinks
it might have been better
to, uh, have an element
of surprise?
Larrity: You know what?
You're right, Fatty!
Surprise! You're walking
the rest of the way!
Get going!
Todd: Stairs. Mr. Larrity,
I'm sorry.
Anything but that.
I'm too fat to walk.
You are a cruel--
Jerry: Do you realize that
you've eliminated
a third of our manpower?
Larrity: Keep them guessing,
Jerry.
Keep them guessing.
Jerry: Yeah.
You've mentioned that.
[Bear growling]
[Ding]
Larrity: Damn it! Laser grid!
Jerry, I need you to go
back down and find
the main electric cable
to the building
so I's don't catch a laser
to my keister.
Jerry: Well, where are you
gonna go?
Larrity:
Through the one door I got.
I'm sorry you don't get to
die with honor today, son.
Jerry: It's cool. Bye!
Larrity: All right, Big T,
you wasn't 3-time
Texas All-state Linebacker
for nothing.
We're gonna let it do
what it do.
Yeeha!
What the hell?
Takeda: You must be looking
for me, Mr. Larrity
and here I am,
but which one is the real me?
Ooh!
Son of a bitch!
Larrity: How about that
for a lucky shot?
Takeda: Salarymen, attack!
Larrity: Well, [beep] me
sideways and call me an Okie.
You're all actually ninjas,
ain't you?
I knew it. Always
with the gosh-darned ninjas.
Benny!
Takeda: Not so fast,
Mr. Larrity.
You've now stepped
into my office.
Larrity: I've gots to hand
it to you, Takeda.
This is one huge office you got!
Takeda: Yes. I used to share it
with my brother!
Dave: He's mine!
Larrity: Dave!
Takeda: Yogetsu-san?
I thought you dead.
Yogetsu: Not dead.
When threw me in that swamp,
I survive by eating
my own poop.
Larrity: That ain't right.
Takeda: Ugh.
Dave: Hey, Takeda.
I hope you're a fan
of getting your ass handed
to you.
Takeda: Actually, I am not.
Dave: Well, too bad because
your ass will indeed
be handed to you.
That sounded awkward.
I'm sorry.
Larrity: Jerry, cut the wires!
Jerry: Hey! Look who showed up!
Mary: Clarence and Gay Yakuza
rescued us,
no thanks to you.
Larrity: I could give
two shakes
of a polecat's ass!
Now cut them wires!
Benny, come here, boy!
Benny: You got my smokes,
Mr. Larrity?
Larrity: Naw, Benny.
I got your favorite Pixy Stix--
candy apple.
Benny: Daddy!
Dave: Aw, that's sweet,
isn't it,
parent-child reunion?
Todd: Ohh. I would have
got here sooner,
but then I fell down the stairs
because I had, like,
3 mini-heart attacks,
but I am fine now
except parched is not a word
that describes how thirsty I am.
I would kill for a juice box.
Takeda: Very well, Larrity.
You've won again,
but this time, I won't
be destroyed alone!
Ha ha ha!
There's no escaping
this time, Larrity!
Ha ha ha!
Larrity: Damn! He's right.
I never thought Big T'd go out
this way.
I always thought it'd be
at the hand of one
of my many wives.
Dean: It still will, Dad!
Come on, bro!
Larrity: What in the hell?
Thanks, boy! Ha!
What died on your face?
Dean: We got lost.
I went to Hawaii.
They make you grow
mustaches there.
Steve: Kusokurae, ninjas!
Dave: How's that brownie, man?
Jerry: Not great.
Hey, Dave. I'm really
glad you're not dead, man.
Dave: Yeah, me, too.
I dropped a double deuce
in the brownie bowl. Yeah!
Jerry: Aw, Dave!
Yogetsu: Mmm. These are good.
Dave: Yeah. You would like that.
Larrity: All right, people.
I know it's been a hard week.
Some of us got kidnapped,
and, well, others of us got sold
to Yakazua as sex slaves
and had to be rescued
by a couple queers.
Well, and a bunch of us
almost died.
Dave: Harrison Ford was killed
by a giant rock.
It was awesome.
Larrity: Yes. Thank you, Dave,
but the important thing is
that we pulled together
as a team and brought back Benny
to where he rightfully belongs,
locked in his brand-new cage
for his own safety of course.
Benny: Daddy!
Larrity: And so he can test
our video games.
[Cheering]
And now I think it's time
for us to take
this company to the next level.
[Elephant trumpets]
Wow! What is this place?
There ain't nothing up here
but some gobbledygoo
and some words down there
on the bottom.
Hey. Let's get back downstairs,
everybody.
Come on. Let's forget
we ever saw this.