Cougar Town s01e13 Episode Script

Huh.
I have to admit, last night was pretty OK.
Well, that's weird.
During "it" you were very vocal about how good "it" was.
[Chuckling.]
Well, yeah.
'Cause it's not sexy to moan, "Ooh.
This is so OK.
" Dude, it's not you.
It just didn't have any of my major turn-ons.
REO Speedwagon playing, the sound of rain outside, or the smell of pine.
My first boyfriend had a pine-scented air freshener in his pick-up truck.
- So the bar's been set very high.
- Exactly.
Look, this shouldn't be weird.
What we did was totally natural, like the wind, or not trusting Canadians.
I do hope we made a baby.
[Laughing.]
You should see your face right now.
It's hysterical.
I can't believe Jeff and I are over.
What am I gonna do now? There's not many men looking for a 40-something-year-old mom who needs lots of foreplay and is a mediocre cook.
This will make you feel better.
Hmm M&M tea.
OK, you're not allowed to mope around all day wearing a break-up blanket.
- I'm just chilly.
- And? And God gave me one last chance to be happy and I blew it.
I did not realize that God had taken such a personal interest - in this relationship.
- I know, it's weird.
- God didn't care, Jules.
- He did.
- He didn't! - He did.
You know what, neither of us can win this fight.
- But I know I'm right.
- She's wrong.
- [Knocking.]
- [Gasping.]
Wow! OK.
You're really naked.
I saw what you two did last night.
You better be careful.
My grandpa got beat up for watching ladies pee through a vent at the gas station.
Seems relevant.
Did Lover-Boy tell you he likes Jules? - What? - What? No.
I just said that someday I could end up with a girl like her.
- Jules is your "Someday Girl?" - My what now? A "Someday Girl" is someone who someday, someone else can see themselves ending up with someday.
It's super serious.
Someday Girl is a great title for a new song.
Oh I have to go see if Jules feels the same way.
Have fun with that.
Sometimes after a break-up, I make myself feel better by thinking about guys that I could someday see myself with.
Do you have anyone like that? - Nope, no one.
- OK.
- What about Grayson? - Oh, yeah.
In about ten years from now, when I'm done changing him.
The trick is to make him more emotionally accessible, while at the same time keeping him a little insecure so he continues all that work on his body.
It's a tightrope.
So, Grayson.
That's super.
That's a pinecone.
No matter how much you keep fondling it, - it's not gonna take you to Cabo.
- [Chuckling.]
OK I gotta go.
Be weirder.
Jeff had a really bad case of diarrhea once in Cabo.
- That's a good story.
- What am I doing? All right, I have to bust out of this funk right now.
Let's start by eating a crap-load of something.
Put on your elastic pants.
All right.
Hey, J-Bird, if you wanna funk-bust, come on by the boat and we'll pound back a box of that wine you like so much.
She has to choose between you and me? What will she do? Ease up, Ellie Nellie, all right? I'm dealing with something, too.
They're re-paving the parking lot where I keep my boat, so therefore I have to move it.
- I wish I owned my own parking lot.
- Really? That's what you wish for? - Mom, I'm gonna be late tonight.
- Be home by midnight.
And don't forget our rule: Do not wake me up when you get home.
Solid parenting, as always.
I'm a better mom with sleep.
What are you doing tonight? Hanging with the fellas.
You know, Jon, Skeetch, Toby, Keith.
All of Travis' friends sound like they're country western singers.
Makes sense.
We did name him after Randy Travis.
- No, we didn't.
- Well, you didn't.
No touching.
Someday girl! Someday I'll meet her in a someday world! You know what we should do? We should go up at the end, so Someday I'll meet her in a [higher octave.]
Someday world I can't work with you.
I have some bad news.
You're Jules' "Someday Guy.
" Sweet.
"Someday Guy" is a perfect follow-up single to "Someday Girl.
" You know you're actually the only man who gets less sexy when he plays guitar? - Why aren't you taking this seriously? - I promise to take it seriously - Someday - [laughing.]
- Hey, Andy? - Yeah? Please don't tell Ellie anything until I figure this out.
[Grunting.]
Lucky for you, tonight is sexy night and I'm not allowed to speak.
Apparently, it ruins the fantasy.
What? I don't like the onions.
I just like the fried circles.
Do you remember when we were eating here after that slag at the salon cut my bangs too short? You ate so many Fisherman Platters you made it on the wall.
[Ellie.]
Oh! Shh! Have a fried circle.
- [Phone beeping.]
- Hmm I've gotta go.
I forgot it was sexy night with Andy.
I hope he doesn't mind my fried shrimp belly.
Who am I kidding? I don't care.
Let me take that.
See ya! Wait a minute, I can't eat this stuff alone.
I mean, I'm going to, but then what? - Hey, Bobby.
- Hey.
- You have any of that pink wine? - I got white wine.
Well, mix in some Kool-Aid and make it pink.
- I've still got some white trash in me.
- You betcha! You know what sucks? I didn't even know you were Jules' "Someday Guy.
" I'm still gonna get punished.
If you're gonna get in trouble anyway, why not just hang out some more? Are you serious? I'm sorry, it's just that this "someday" stuff is so ridiculously girly.
[Girly voice.]
"If neither one of us is married in 20 years, we'll totally marry each other! Yay!" Right, because that always works out.
- We did have fun.
- Eh.
And it is raining out.
Plus, for some reason you smell like pine.
[Sighing.]
It's that damn pinecone.
- Hang on.
- What are you doing? It's like it's not even up to us.
Drinking out of a third place golf trophy makes you feel like a winner.
[Chuckling.]
Good thing I didn't get first place or you'd be blotto.
[Giggling.]
It's nice out here in the rain.
So what did you tell your parents you're doing tonight? I'm at a church lock-in with the National Honor Society.
- Well, I'm glad you're here.
- Me, too.
Oh I'm loving the belly.
- "No talking" means no talking.
- Sorry.
I know I'm having a pity party, but when you're our age and a relationship doesn't work, it's just easy to convince yourself that you're not going to have many more chances, you know? You're going to be just fine.
Trust me.
Thank you, Bobby.
[Laughing.]
Whoo.
- How fun was that? - Pretty damn fun.
Yeah, did you notice I had some new moves? I did.
Some are a little scary.
I know, I don't even like doing them.
But they make me feel dangerous, like a spy or a French person.
Hey.
This isn't really a big deal, right? Come on, J-Bird, this was bound to happen eventually.
No biggie.
At least it's not that awkward feeling you get when you wake up next to someone you barely know.
This is the worst morning ever! This is the best morning ever.
I can't believe you got all the way naked for me last night.
- I love you.
- Relax, Mr.
McNeedy.
It's not the first time we've slept together.
Whoo! What's up, sky? What up, trees? I am a man! - Doesn't even matter! - Hey.
Hey, you.
Oh, my God.
I'm so late.
My mom's gonna kill me.
Just leave the tent! I'll call you! It's my very first golf cart ride of shame.
- Jules! - Hi, Julie! It's not that bad.
Just pretend you're coming back from some fancy ball or something.
- Yeah, I'm Cinderella.
- I'm gonna grab us some coffees.
No, don't leave me! No! - I want a latte! - [Chuckling.]
Well, well, well.
Oh, good.
It's Barb.
Returning to the ex-husband.
Kinda like an old security blanket.
Sure, it's a little frayed around the edges, but it's still nice to wrap around your face.
How can you be that filthy this early in the morning? I've been up all night.
I guess I just got turned around.
Again and again - There's some shirtless frat boys! - Where? I'm so stupid.
I could have clung to the excuse that I didn't know how Jules felt.
Now that's gone.
You know, my mom always taught me to just jump in and do whatever I wanted without thinking, but I'm starting to feel like that is really bad advice.
So we had sex again.
There won't even be any proof once the bite mark on my knee heals.
That was really weird, by the way.
The reason why a woman's "Someday Person" is so sacred Please stop saying "someday.
" OK? Who cares about 20 years from now? Don't you get it? Sure, "someday" could be 20 years from now, but it could be tomorrow.
It doesn't matter anyway, Grayson.
Any chance you had with her is gone after the way you defiled me last night.
"Defiled" you? - That's not a good thing? - That No! I've been using that word wrong, like, forever.
[Yawning.]
- Morning.
- Morning! - Where are you coming from? - Garage sale.
Got these jeans there.
I traded my jeans for these jeans.
But they were identical jeans, so, you know, even trade.
- How was your night with the fellas? - Those guys are insane.
Bad-influence insane.
Ralphie wanted to spend the night throwing mannequins off a bridge, so, I came home, slept up in my room, like always.
I'm lying.
Are you lying? - No.
- Me, neither.
- Your hair's a little messy.
- No, it's not.
You all right there, buddy? Something stinks and I can't find it.
I'm worried it's in my nostrils.
Will you smell my nose and tell me if it stinks? At any point have you ever said to yourself, "Hey, here's a thought I shouldn't verbalize?" Hey, so I slept with Jules.
I know you're the wrong guy to talk to Why does everyone think that I care about Jules? No, look at me, I'm fine.
You want to talk about Jules, let's talk.
I'm just not quite sure how I feel about it, you know? It's a lot like soccer that way.
Hey, Trav.
What'd you do last night? - I was out with the fellas.
- Tell me their names.
- Willy, See-Saw, Mark and Doug.
- Tell me again.
Bill, Josh, Tad and Crazy Joe.
I saw you sneaking in this morning.
You were out all night.
Look, just don't tell my mom.
Oh, I'm not gonna tell your mom.
Because now, I own your ass.
Here.
Finish taking Stan on his walk.
I'm gonna go grab a nap.
[Clucking, whistling.]
How could you sleep with Bobby? It was just sex with an ex.
Oh, my God.
Hold on a second.
No, Jules, I don't think Sex with the Ex would be a great song.
It sounds like something an insensitive jerk would write.
Someone who doesn't understand what their audience is truly thinking or feeling.
It's a bad song, Jules.
Bad song.
That was odd.
And he is wrong, that would be an amazing song.
Hey, you wanna jam out some lyrics? What is with this neighborhood and the songwriting? Hey.
So, I did what I always do when I have a big dilemma.
- I thought it out while I got a tattoo.
- A Chinese character.
Oh, that's so creative.
How did you think of that? What's it mean? I thought it was the symbol for "strength," but it just means "food.
" That's OK, though.
I like food.
Look, I have to tell Jules.
She's my best friend.
But what am I gonna say? Why don't you just go ahead and blame me? 'Cause, honestly, I don't give a crap.
Sounds good.
Jules, you moved on from Bobby for a reason.
Why can't we just celebrate the fact that I'm not sad anymore? I'm not gonna end up back with Bobby.
But, you know, being with him was nice and it was comfortable, and he reminds me of why I don't want to be in a relationship.
Oh, my God, I just realized.
Everyone should have an ex-husband for when they break up.
I'm gonna write a book, and they're gonna put me on Oprah.
Oprah's retiring in, like, a year.
Oh, yeah.
And she's never gonna be on television again.
Wake up, Ellie.
Let's go get some pizza.
You just can't act like this is wrapped up.
It is wrapped up.
I wrapped it up.
- Jules.
- Wrapped up! How does Bobby feel? Trust me, hooking up meant nothing to either one of us.
Ahoy, land-lubbers.
Daddy's home! Bobby! - Travis.
- Dad.
- All wrapped up.
- Shut up.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe from my house, your house looks like an eyesore! [Man.]
Get that hunk of junk out of here! Jules, you coming up? I'm thinking I'll be better off neighborhood-wise if I pretend I'm angry about the giant yard-boat.
- You think they're gonna buy your act? - I can be pretty believable on this.
They're repaving my lot, remember? Lt'll only be for one night.
It'll be like old times.
Why is he doing this? You have to know Bobby still carries a torch for you.
- Deep down I think I always knew.
- [Door opening.]
- You know what the worst part is? - [Door closing.]
I like it.
- Hey, Jules.
- I mean How selfish do you have to be to have sex with someone without considering the consequences? It was raining, and REO Speedwagon rocks so hard.
- What are you talking about? - What? Just treat it like white noise.
You're gonna be fine.
Bobby's always been a guy who protects himself emotionally.
Yeah.
When we got married, he wanted me to say "I do" first.
He also wanted me to ride my bouquet down the aisle like a pony.
And you did, which was so sweet.
[Laurie.]
Because you are sweet, Jules.
You're sweet and kind and forgiving and White noise.
The point is, Bobby's fishing around to see if there's gonna be a chance.
As long as you don't fall back into any old husband-wife type behavior, you're gonna be safe.
And all this because I used Bobby as a sexual get-well card.
I mean, who ultimately has to pay the price? I feel like I always do.
Excuse me, I believe I ordered sliders and these are just small hamburgers, and my palate demands something a little more adorable.
- Fine.
- Why do you keep checking your phone? Because I'm waiting on a text from Kylie.
Last night, we, uh you know We spent the night together.
- You gonna tell your mom? - Would you tell your mom? - I still haven't.
- And now she won't return my texts.
We can figure this out.
The first time is pretty special.
- What did you say to her afterwards? - I was late so I ran off.
Hmm.
Welcome to the brotherhood of men.
[Sighing.]
Well, I couldn't tell Jules.
Did you know Jules slept with Bobby? 'Cause she was in a really bad place and now she regrets it.
Raise your hand if you can relate.
I only meant for me to raise my hand.
You're a very hurtful person.
You know what? No one has to know what went on between us.
Agreed.
[Sighing.]
Hmm There's only one tiny, bald problem.
Why are you guys buying me drinks? Hey, Jules, why are you all the way down there? Hey, Mom.
Dad.
OK, I'm gonna ask you something, but no follow-up questions.
Deal? - Bring it, Junior.
- Deal.
Say something amazing happened with someone, but you forgot to say how amazing it was.
And now said someone is probably really hurt.
- What would you do? - Is this a riddle? I would tell that someone how you really feel.
That's all a woman really wants to hear.
What woman? Couldn't be more lost.
Thanks for the insight, Mom.
Dad, thanks for the, uh - Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Don't you get it? Our son lost his virginity.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Was it me or did he seem a little cocky now? I do not want him to get cocky.
- He'll be fine.
- Do you know how old that makes us? [Chuckling.]
You know what else is funny? Is My biggest regret is that I messed up with you.
Jules, I would kill to have all this back.
How is that funny? Well, it's not funny "ha-ha," you know, it's more whimsical.
Uh, Bobby You said that all a woman wants to hear is how a man really feels.
- Well - I did, didn't I? - Well.
- You just think about it, all right? I'll be on my boat.
OK, even though I found a pill from China that helps with the heartburn I get from secrets, why would I want to keep this particular one for you two? Because if you tell, it will mess up all of our friendships.
- Getting sleepy.
- We'll give you whatever you want.
And I'm back.
All right, give me a sec.
I want Bobby's bar tab cleared.
- That's it? - No.
I want him to know that I did it.
And, Laurie, I want you To never tell Ellie that you saw me completely naked? She's ruining it.
I have to go talk to him, don't I? - You do.
- Will you do it for me? Sweetie, I wish I could.
[Groaning.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Remember this morning when you were so happy and I called you Mr.
McNeedy? - I feel bad about that.
- Good, you should.
Sorry about the 'tude.
I got a few beers in me.
Sweetie The second that you walk into the house, I relax.
Even on days when I get so mad that I actually do call a lawyer, I just remind myself how scary it would be to be out there drifting alone [Ellie.]
It's weird with relationships.
Two people can start off in the same place Kylie, you're such an amazing person.
Bobby, you are such an amazing person.
and then for whatever reasons, they split off in different directions.
I'm sorry I didn't say it this morning, but I'm so glad that my first time was with you.
Kylie, I love you.
Bobby, I love you.
But not in that way anymore.
[Chuckling.]
Well, you're not pulling any punches.
I just want to be really clear, for both of our sakes.
Honey, I'm so sorry, but we're just not gonna end up back together again.
We have so much history and we are We're always going to be attached.
But our happy ending is us as friends, raising our son together.
Hey, you can think about it longer if you want.
I wish I needed to.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you and I'm so happy that I'm not out there having to start over and look for what we have, because it's hard to find and even harder to keep.
I'm sorry, I'm just in an emotional place.
I'm glad you're here.
What? How does that long, boring speech not end with sex? Goodnight, Andy.
Sex with your ex It's really great Oh, but sex with your ex is a big mistake No, no, no Sex with your ex Sex with your ex Sex with your ex It's the best But you'll regret Sex with your ex [singing high notes.]
Very Earth, Wind & Fire.
Or not.