Cybill (1995) s01e13 Episode Script

- (Doorbell) - Yes.
Hi, y'all.
I'm Debbie Dunn, your new neighbour.
Can I speak to the man of the house? Oh, you mean this? Oh, well, this isn't mine.
This is, er (Sighs) Why is it always me? (Canned laughter) - (Cybill on TV) I moved here from Paris.
- I can tell from your accent.
- Has anybody seen Eddie? - Is Eddie your little brother? - No, Eddie's my little mouse.
- Mouse! Honey, I'm sorry I was so jealous about your secretary.
(Studio audience) Oh.
Oh.
(Whines) Why is it always me? (Male announcer) Family House will be right back.
- So, what d'you think? - You look pretty, Mom.
So, anybody want some popcorn? I mean, I know it's not Shakespeare but it's kinda cute for what it is, right? Er, wait, Rach, I'll give you a hand.
The audience really seemed to like it.
They were laughing and laughing.
Oh, of course they were, dear.
It was very entertaining.
It was, wasn't it? Sort of a heart-warming, feel-good kinda show.
- Cute, frothy - Cybill I was being polite.
Don't you wanna see if little Billy finds his mouse? Loving one who loves you And then taking that vow Nice work if you can get it And if you get it Won't you tell me how? Before you speak, there aren't many jobs for actresses my age.
- I have to take what I can get.
- I didn't see it.
My first network sitcom? I told you it was on a week ago.
- I taped it.
- Don't watch it.
It wasn't very good.
- Dom Perignon.
- Oh, Ira, you shouldn't have.
- It was only a guest shot.
- It's not for your sitcom.
(Sighs) Actually, we both have things to celebrate.
- His book's being made into a movie.
- Your book? That's great.
TV movie? - Movie movie.
- Is there a star attached? - Anthony Hopkins.
- Oh, I adore him.
- That's what I said.
- Hello.
This is my news.
Well, you shouldn't have told me, Mr Braggy Man.
- That's incredible.
- They're sending me to London.
- You're kidding? - I meet with Anthony Hopkins next Monday.
- Oh, my God.
- One week.
All expenses paid.
- Wow.
- And - I'd really love you to come with me.
- You're kidding? Buckingham Palace, - Big Ben, Harrods? - So you'll go? - I didn't say that.
- What's the problem? We were gonna take it slow.
It's a big step.
- We went to Italy when we were married.
- We fought the entire time.
They eat late there.
We were crabby.
I just need some time to think about it, all right? Am I, or am I not, throwing a party Friday night? - You am.
- And is it, or is it not, - the first party I've thrown since my divorce? - It is.
So if Dr Dick, the fat, hairy walrus coincidentally decided to throw a party the same night, inviting all our mutual friends, would I, or would I not, be completely justified in any action I took? Don't tell me, Maryann.
I may be forced to testify against you.
It's bad enough that, after the divorce, he took Well, I took just about everything but I will not allow him to take my friends.
Maryann, that's $20 a glass.
At least taste it.
You're a great hostess.
Your party's gonna be a big success.
It's not enough that my party succeed.
His must fail.
Maybe it will, all by itself, and you won't have to do anything.
Now, the first thing we need is a swarm of killer bees.
- London, huh? - Yeah.
I did some stunt work on a James Bond film there.
Lost a chunk of my little toe in Trafalgar Square.
Well, if I decide to go, I'll keep an eye out for it.
Maryann wants to know if you're coming to her party? Oh, jeez.
Well, tell her I said thanks but I got this little thing I gotta do.
Bring her.
No.
Me and a couple of guys put together a band.
- Friday night's our first gig.
- You're singing again.
That's wonderful.
It's no big deal.
It's just, you know, something we're doing for grins.
Appaloosa Club, North Hollywood.
$5 cover but parking's free.
- I'll try and come after the party.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
- (Both) Hey.
- Oh, Cybill, I caught your new sitcom.
- What d'you think, honestly? I can see why you wanna leave the country.
Beat it.
- You're leaving the country? - Maybe.
Your dad's invited me to go to London.
- Is this about his movie? - Yes, it is.
But before I make the decision, I wanna know how you feel about it.
- Am I going too? - No.
- Can I stay here alone while you're gone? - No.
Then why are we having this conversation? Because we've all gotten used to the way things are since the divorce and this could lead to a lot of changes.
I wanna make sure you're OK with that.
If you two decide to get back together, that's fine with me.
- If you don't, that's fine too.
- You sure that's really how you feel? Yeah.
You should do whatever makes you happy.
Besides, in a couple of years, I'll be out of here, making a fortune selling black market computer chips in Eastern Europe.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
Mom, thanks for asking.
Sure.
Elzbieta, darling, I said the flowers go on the dining room table.
Oh, no.
No, no.
These flutes are all spotty.
We can't have spotty flutes.
Work with me, people, work with me.
- (Doorbell) - Door.
Puerta? Hello? Am I the only one who heard that? Hello? - Hello? - Oh, for God's sake.
- What can I do to help? - Nothing.
Everything's under control.
So why am I here? The party doesn't start for two hours.
- Yes, but Dr Dick's is already under way.
- Oh, no, come on.
- (Whinges) No.
- Ah, don't be a fuddy-duddy.
We're just gonna pour 20 pounds of Jell-O in his swimming pool.
While we're at it, we could put Limburger cheese in his air-conditioning ducts.
I was only kidding.
(Harp music) - You owe me.
You owe me big.
- Yeah, yeah, you're the best.
Now let's see what rat bastard friends of mine showed up at Dr Dick's party.
Can't we leave the cheese and go? Can't we? Look at that.
Elaine and Lyle Wagner are here.
How could they? I'm godmother to their son.
- We don't have time for this.
- Let's spit on them.
- No.
- (Mobile) - What's that? - My phone.
- You brought a phone.
Are you insane? - Shh.
You're making too much noise.
You're the one who brought the phone.
Hello.
Hold on.
Let me see if she's here.
Are you in for your agent? My agent? Arthur, what's up? No, this is a good time.
Three more episodes, you're kidding? They want me back on the sitcom.
They can't force you, can they? Shush.
Of course.
Make the deal.
I need the work.
- Monday? I go to England on Monday.
- (Quietly) Those bastards.
Oh, no.
No, OK.
Tell them I'll be there.
OK.
Bye.
- Ira will understand, right? - Sure he will.
Here.
Put this on.
I mean, it's only three episodes but if the character takes off - I could be a regular.
- A-ha.
Now, as soon as I uncover the Limburger, we crawl backward into the laundry room.
They may spin me off into my own series.
Look at Frasier.
- True, true.
Here we go.
- And Rhoda.
Don't forget Rho The masks.
The masks don't work.
- The masks don't work! Go, go, go! - Go, go! (Cybill) Crawl! Thank you.
Here you go, pal.
Maryann, thanks.
Great party.
You've done it again.
Oh, pish.
You hire a caterer, buy some flowers, toss a few swans in the pool.
Nothing to it.
Mm.
Sniff my hair.
Does it smell like cheese? - No, how about me? - No.
What? It's an American custom.
Ah.
Have you told Captain Showbiz about London? How could I? He hasn't shut up since he got here.
I don't know if there's one secret to great writing.
But for me, the key was getting beyond my own ego.
- Ira, can I steal you away? - One second.
My book isn't just about a failed marriage.
It's a study of how we, as a species, simply cannot communicate.
(Doorbell) Oh, look, refugees from Dr Dick's party.
I win.
You rotten, filthy, scum-sucking traitors.
Lyle and Elaine.
Now the party can start, my dearest friends are here.
Are you kidding? We wouldn't miss your party for the world.
Well, I know that my ex was throwing a little wingding tonight too.
- Oh, was he? - Maryann, we're your friends.
You're the one we love.
I never doubted it.
- Hallo.
- Hello.
At first, I was against writing the screenplay.
After all, I'm a novelist.
But Tony, excuse me, Sir Anthony Hopkins, would not take no for an answer.
(Mobile) Excuse me, probably the studio.
- Hello.
- Ira, this is Cybill.
- Cybill, where are you? - Near the dip.
Excuse me.
Very cute.
You know that call cost me 70 cents.
I promised Jeff I'd go and hear him sing and we need to talk about London.
Hey, I'm gonna be interviewed on the BBC.
Oh, that's great.
Listen, you know that sitcom I'm on? Yeah.
Still haven't watched it yet.
That's OK.
They want me back but I'd have to start on Monday.
- We leave on Monday.
- This would be a big break for me.
Oh, come on, Cybill, it's a sitcom and not even a good one.
"Why is it always me?" How banal can you get? - I thought you didn't watch it.
- I lied.
- I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.
- How thoughtful.
- You can't pass up a trip to London for that.
- That is my career.
This is what happened when we were married.
Your career came first.
- It put our relationship on hold.
- That's not true.
There was that show in New York.
You wouldn't move because it's too noisy.
- I'm a writer, I need quiet.
- I'm an actor, I need work.
Is your career more important because you're a man? You know what, Cybill? You're jealous of my success.
Course I'm jealous.
You're making a feature film with Anthony Hopkins and I'm in a stupid sitcom with a mouse.
But that's not why I'm not going to London.
I'm not going because I have a career, banal though it may be.
If I didn't, I wouldn't go anywhere with an arrogant windbag who has so little respect for me or what I do.
Attention, everyone.
I wanna thank you all for choosing my party over my ex-husband's.
That's all I really wanted, er Enjoy your dinner.
Lock up when you're done.
(Cheering, whooping) Quieten down, quieten down, cowgirls and animals.
This next guy that's gonna come up and sing is an old, dear friend of mine.
He'd done a lot of things for me.
Set himself on fire, jumped out of helicopters, taken punches.
Why? Cos he's an idiot.
No.
Cos he's a stuntman.
One of the great ones.
One of the great stuntmen.
As a matter of fact, he sings almost as good as he falls on his ass.
All right.
Put your hands together for Jeff Robbins and the Hollywood Cowboys.
(Whooping) Hey, Burt.
Never got paid for Cannonball Run.
Neither did I.
Sing.
We both heard that coyote calling As we watched the moon go down There was no reply No answer to be found Oh, this looks like a lot more fun than my party.
Where's the mechanical bull? - You didn't have to leave.
- You needed me.
Besides, I never liked those friends anyway.
Oh, look.
A bar.
Was howling at the wind Howling at the wind Like crying in the rain We both know this has to end We both know it's all in vain - Cos we could talk all night - Hey, Burt.
Remember me? Why, sure.
L-I couldn't forget a beautiful lady like you.
It was, er, a weekend in Pasadena, right? No, Cybill Sheridan.
Jeff's ex-wife.
- The bounty hunter.
- That was his second ex-wife.
Ah, I'm sorry, Cybill.
It's been a bad year for me and blondes.
I understand.
What are you drinking, Bandit? - What are you drinking? - Tequila shooters.
Excuse me, I'm gonna listen to Jeff.
Well, I'II, I'll try and stay with you.
Well, that shouldn't be too hard.
I'm not much of a drinker but I'll give it a try.
Like crying in the rain We both know this has to end - It's a crying shame - Howdy.
We could talk all night The worm is mine.
(Wheezes) Smooth.
- Shame on you and me - You can't just walk away like that.
Oh, yeah? How about I walk away like this? Cut that out.
(Audience whooping) Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
- Hey, Cyb, wanna do one together? - Oh, no, Jeff, that's OK.
Oh, come on.
Everybody, give her some encouragement.
Come on.
- (Whooping) - Cybill, we have to talk, now.
Oh, I have an audience and suddenly you have time for me? Well, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to wait.
Atta girl.
I want you to meet my best friend, my favourite ex-wife, Miss Cybill Sheridan.
(Inaudible) This song is an old favourite of ours and I'd like to dedicate it to my new girlfriend Chrissie.
Stand up, honey.
Run, Chrissie, run.
Well hello there My, it's been a long, long time How'm I doing? Well I guess I'm doing fine It's been so long now And it seems And it seems Like it was only yesterday Like it was only yesterday Ain't it funny Ain't it funny How time slips away How time slips away How's your new love? Well I hope she's doing fine I heard you told him You're gonna love him till the end of time I remember That's the same thing that you told me That's the same thing that you told me Yesterday Yesterday Ain't it funny Ain't it funny How time slips away How time slips away I gotta go now Tell Cybill I went home.
(Glass smashes) - Son, what are you doing? - Sorry, I'll buy you another one? - I wanted that one.
- Well, you can't have that one.
That one is gone.
You know, you've got a bad attitude, partner.
Partner? What is that? Are we in business together? - Ira.
- No, this man's being silly.
This is North Hollywood, not The Streets Of Laredo.
Ira, you're playing in a game with the wrong guy.
You see, this is Hal Needham.
Hal Needham.
Big, famous stuntman.
What are you gonna do, Hal, throw a fake punch at me? Is this wimp a friend of yours? Hey, I'm not a wimp, old-timer.
Ooh.
Old-timer? Don't say I didn't try to help you.
Oh, gimme a break! Aw, jeez.
(Jeff) Whoa.
I'm upright.
(Cat meows) (Screams) - Hey, some fun, huh? - Are you insane? We could be killed! Ah, come on.
A Western bar, hard liquor, Burt Reynolds, it's not like you weren't expecting it.
I'm gonna kill ya.
Thank you.
Ah, I'm gonna sue ya.
I'm gonna sue ya.
- Incoming.
- (Cybill screams) - Are you OK? - No.
I just got thrown over a bar, for God's sakes.
- Ira, I've been thinking.
- You're proposing a conversation now? - Would you rather go back out there? - (Smashing) No, I'm good.
I'm very happy for your success and I hope you have a great time in London.
- But this just isn't working.
- Oh, come on.
I'm sorry.
I have been a little full of myself lately and I shouldn't have said that about your show.
This is not about the show.
The show sucks.
I need someone who can be supportive of me, no matter what I'm doing.
- I can be supportive.
- Ira, we have been having the same fight, over and over since 1978.
What does that tell you? We're in a rut? We're breaking up again, aren't we? Can you look me in the eye and tell me things are ever gonna be different? Truthfully? No.
I'll always love you.
I'll always love you too.
So, what do we do now? Duck! (Cybill) Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
You wouldn't have liked England, anyway.
It's full of English people.
The only good thing about them is they hate the French.
It's still sad, though.
I guess Ira and I just weren't meant to be.
- We've still got each other.
- Yes, we do.
- To us.
- To us.
(Both belch) There's a lot more to life than killing yourself for a relationship.
- There's family, the arts.
- The quest for knowledge.
Spiritual pursuits.
You wanna drive down to Mexico and get our butts tattooed? OK.