Dan Vs. (2010) s01e13 Episode Script

(gasps ) ( grunts ) No.
I won't go.
- ( grunting ) - Let me go.
You can't make me.
I'll wait in the car.
Dan: I don't like this at all.
Why did I let you talk me into this? It's time you joined the lnformation Age.
Sounds like a cult.
You need a computer, Dan.
Man on P.
A.
: Customer service to computer department, please.
Yeah.
You're the last person in the world to not have lnternet access, except maybe a weirdo in a cabin in the woods somewhere.
What's so great about the lnternet? You can watch TV on your computer.
I can watch TV on my TV.
You can keep track of your friends.
He's right here! Plus I had him chipped.
Maybe he doesn't need a computer.
Man on P.
A.
: Manager to cash register four.
We need him to have a computer.
It'll give him something to do when you and I want to be alone.
What's he going to do on the lnternet? Something I could help you with, sirs and ma'am? We're trying to explain to my friend why he needs a computer.
- Oh.
Do you blog? - Do I what? ( laughs ) Oho, you're one of those.
Okay, check this out.
( bagpipes playing ) - ( gasps ) - Is that "Scotland the Brave"? That cat is playing the bagpipes without the use of opposable thumbs.
Show me another one.
( electronic bagpipes playing ) Dan: They're dancing.
And this is always available for free? I'll take it.
Mmm.
- ( typing ) - ( music playing ) ( Dan chuckles ) See, Mr.
Mumbles? It's all about rhythm.
While not as inventive as other videos in this genre, "Dancing Cats Video Number 3,620" is not without some pedestrian charm.
Quaint choreography and sincere-- ( sparks crackle ) What? What happened? My computer's broken.
Oh.
Oh.
( chuckles ) We don't work on that model anymore.
It's obsolete.
How could it be obsolete? You sold it to me yesterday.
( sighs ) I'm very sorry, sir, but that entire platform has been discontinued.
They're releasing the new platform this weekend.
- See? - ( choir sings ) Dan: Look how happy that dork is.
Make this thing work like that thing.
( laughing ) Well, okay.
Please come back when you're ready to upgrade, sir.
( groans ) Technology! ( computerized tones play ) ( bird squawks ) Hey, Dan.
Sorry about your computer.
You want me to ask Elise if she can fix it? The computer is dead.
It goes unmourned.
Really? You're letting it go? We need to drive to Silicon Valley.
I've got a score to settle with Barry Ditmer.
Barry Ditmer did not break your computer.
Maybe not personally, but he's the one who made it obsolete.
The guy invents a whole new computer system every year and inflicts it on a docile public.
He does it with music players, movie players.
You can't stop technological progress, Dan.
People only say that because no one has tried.
This Sunday, Barry Ditmer is going to unveil the Omnicron Violet computer system, and we are going to stop him.
I can't drive you to Silicon Valley this weekend.
Well, stop hemming and hawing.
I need your help.
I am going to destroy Barry Ditmer.
( steady beeping ) ( doorbell rings ) Enter.
Sir, one of our passive listening devices - has detected a threat.
- Oh? Play audio.
Dan: I am going to destroy Barry Ditmer.
( yawns ) Who do you think it is? The Chinese? ( laughs ) We don't know for certain.
Voice recognition software came up with a blank.
Either it's someone who has never owned a computer Maybe some weirdo in a cabin in the woods somewhere.
or they're using some sophisticated voice-altering device.
We traced the signal to this apartment building in the San Fernando Valley.
It's obviously a front.
Why do you say that? Please don't show me that.
You know I can't stand filth.
Yes, sir.
At any rate, it's probably a derelict apartment peopled by squatters.
All this leads meto believe that we have a credible threat on our hands.
Hmm.
Recommendations? Just one.
( beeps ) - ( beeps ) - Man: Dancing Shadow, your mission is to provide security to prominent technology tycoon Barry Ditmer.
Our government has determined that his safety Our government has determined that his safety - is priority Alpha One Venti.
- When do I leave? Sky-Tender will drop in 20, ( helicopter blades whirring ) I'm starving.
Why didn't you pack any food? I didn't know we were going on a road trip, did l? Well, do you at least have any water in the car? Bottled, preferably.
As opposed to tap? ( liquid pours ) Hello.
Mr.
Ditmer? Thank you, llsa.
Forgive me if I don't shake hands.
Human contact of any kind is my primary phobia.
Don't worry about offending me, sir.
I'm here to help with security, not make friends.
Excellent.
That's what I like to hear.
- ( phone beeps ) - ( dog whines ) I'll take a quick tour of the facility, then report back with some recommendations.
Human beings are so analog.
Ugh.
Where are we, anyway? I don't know.
We're not on my map anymore.
- This is your fault.
- ( beeps ) Hi.
It's Elise.
Leave a message.
- Hey, gorgeous, it's me.
- ( babbling ) I just wanted to check in.
We're a little lost, and I thought maybe you could help us get back to the freeway.
And you'd better not use the lnternet.
Shh.
Do you mind? I'm trying to leave a message.
Oh, just tell her you've left her.
He's left you! I didn't leave her.
I haven't left you.
He's left you, and he's never coming back.
Dan, let go.
The phone is attached to my head.
( tires squealing ) - Just watch the road.
- Give my phone back.
I'm trying to leave a message for my wife.
You should be trying not to kill-- ( both scream ) ( engine sputters ) Dan! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Noggin' boppin'.
I got noggin' boppin'.
If you're hurt, we should get you to a hospital.
Ah, it'sjustlike lizards.
Rainbows are nature's rainbows.
Oh, man.
I'm going to find my phone and call the paramedics.
- ( beeps ) - ( crackles ) No one ever returns from los paramédicos.
Uh-oh.
It's a little spooky out here.
You are such a baby.
( wolf howls ) Are you sure you're okay? You were even less coherent than usual.
It was just a little massive head trauma.
Hey, I've had some of that myself.
( both scream ) That accident sure looked like a doozy.
- You saw it? - I always keep an eye on the road, just in case someone breaks down.
It's part of what I do.
That sounds very fulfilling.
On a related note, is there a garage near here? Sure, there is.
What you do, friend, is you go a mile that way This is all technology's fault.
Now do you see why we have to stop it? You boys trying to stop technology? Sounds crazy, I know.
Crazy like my socks! What? I hate technology too! Makes me all bloop, boing ( babbling ) Ding ding! Finally, a kindred spirit.
Nice to meet you Hiram.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
Why don't I help you push your car to that all-night ge-rage.
( gasps ) Then you two can spend the night at my house while they fix it! I think maybe a hotel.
I think that sounds great.
Thank you, Hiram.
What if he's some kind of wackadoo? Hey, later tonight, we can sit around in our jammies, eat some jerky, and I'll teach you how to throw a hatchet so it'll split a skull clean in half.
Seems fine to me.
( whales calling ) ( gasps ) I see you noticed Barry's antigravity waterfall.
It has to do with the ionic charge of the water molecules - versus the surface area-- - I see how it works.
Home, sweet home.
Lovely place you have here.
Now, if you boys are thirsty, that kettle's where I sterilize my drinking water.
Actually, I am a bit parched.
It's also where I take my baths.
( groans ) What time is it, by the way? Well, let's see.
According to the stars, it's nigh on 8:53.
Where's your television? My stories are about to come on.
Television? Oh, not in my house.
Tell you what, why don't you entertain yourself with my zoetrope.
with my zoetrope.
( owl hoots ) So does this guy ever blow up or something? ( scoffs ) I mean, there's not even a story arc.
Oh, I got one of a plus-size woman in a bubble bath, but it's-- ( gasps ) it's for my eyes only, if you get me.
- We get you.
- Agh.
Ilsa: Holograms are so last millennium, don't you think? Barry's been working on direct synaptic interface.
You mean mind control.
Isn't it exciting? Soon his signal will go out to the entire world.
I named her Peggy.
Yeah, still prefer television.
I'm getting a feeling you don't hate technology as much as I do.
Probably not as much.
I do like television.
( screeches ) So that's how it is.
Well, let me tell you I got something way better than television.
Have a seat.
We should probably get going.
Sit down! We'll call this puppet Dean.
Oh, hang on.
Something's missing.
That's better.
I think these characters are based on us.
( sighs ) Don't be ridiculous.
No one would do that.
And here's Dean's big, dumb friend.
We'll call him Moose.
Moo! Wait a minute.
I think these characters are based on us.
Eagle's Nest, this is Dancing Shadow.
We have a situation.
Barry Ditmer is developing mind control technology.
Recommend immediate neutralization.
Negative, Dancing Shadow.
Your job is to provide security, - not investigate Mr.
Ditmer.
- But-- Stay on mission, Dancing Shadow.
Forget the mission.
I didn't give up antiquing so some nerd could control people's minds.
And now that I've knocked Moose unconscious with the plowshare, I'm going to do unspeakable things to you, Dan.
( gasps ) I mean Dean.
"Oh, no.
What will become of us?" Well, I'll be honest.
I'm probably going to cook and eat you.
But first, let's have a little fun.
"Oh, no.
This isn't my idea of fun.
" Oh, my.
Look at the stars.
We should really get going.
You're not going anywhere.
Yeah, Chris, sit down.
I want to see how this ends.
- Not great for us.
- Hah! Dan: Hey, Hiram! ( giggles ) ( gasps ) Peggy! ( ax whirring ) Hey! Be careful! Nice throw, by the way.
How did you-- It's all in the wrist.
You got to flick it out at the end of the throw.
ah.
Thanks.
( wails ) All my things! No! I'll get you boys for this if it's the last thing I ever do! I promise you you will pay! ( scoffs ) That guy is so angry.
Well, you did just burn all of his stuff.
Yeah, but to be fair, it wasn't very good stuff.
I've completed my preliminary report, Mr.
Ditmer.
The bad news is that I've discovered your long-distance mind control device.
"Mind control" is such an ugly term.
I prefer "guiding synaptic processes from afar.
" But your signal's too weak.
At least I got here before you perfected it.
It needs some work, true, but in time, the entire population will be hopelessly compelled to buy whatever pointless new gadget I bring to market.
You do not want to be trapped in here with me.
Here's the Mark ll-- shorter range, but a much more powerful signal.
And who's going to try to put that thing on my head? I am.
- Hyah! ( groans ) - ( metal clangs ) Let me introduce the lndependent Logistics and Security Android, ILSA for short.
So can we go home now? Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress? You have to let this go, Dan.
Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram? ( laughs ) What are you talking about? Oh, well, you hate technology.
He hates technology.
He's incredibly angry.
You're incredibly angry.
Who's angry?! How dare you?! - I'll strangle you! - See? I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.
If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.
Oh, I think that's a stretch.
You know what? We are going to talk about this.
We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.
from the ax murderer before we stop the car.
We've gone 30 miles.
There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot.
( both scream ) Hiram: To the ends of the Earth! Chris: Well, I've been wrong before.
- ( metal clangs ) - ( grunts ) ( metal rings ) Don't let her touch me! ( gasps ) I shall obey.
She almost touched me.
Dan: Okay, let's go destroy Omnicron Violet, ruin Barry Ditmer's day, and go home.
How are we going to get inside? I'm thinking grappling hooks and climbing equipment.
Always taking the easy way.
Think you're so great just because you're one of the richest and most important people in the world.
Jerk.
ILSA: Voice recognition complete.
That is the individual who threatened you.
Would you please terminate them for me? I hear and obey.
Where could he be? He is the boss, right? I imagine he'd be on the top floor.
Ohh! What was that? Chris? Chris evaporated? No.
It's too chilly for that.
Elise? Where did you come from? What are you doing here? Eliminating a threat to Mr.
Ditmer.
Don't take this the wrong way, but chrome is not your color.
Prepare to be terminated.
How does one prepare to be-- whoa! - Seriously? - Seriously.
I knew it! You never liked me! Go away.
Nobody in here but us boxes.
It's all in the wrist.
You got to flick it out at the end of the throw.
Hah! - ( gasps ) - Whoa.
( groans ) Where am l? I'm sorry.
Don't kill me.
Dan, it's okay.
I'm myself again.
Forgive me if I'm not entirely reassured.
That was an amazing throw.
You cut off the mind control headband without hurting me at all.
Yeah? I mean, yeah.
That is what I meant to do.
Stay with Chris.
I am going to shut down Barry Ditmer.
Nuh-uh.
I'm going to shut down Barry Ditmer and break his computer.
Computer voice: You will find a penny.
Your pockets are full of sand.
- That's weird, isn't it? - Beats elevator music.
You sure he can't just trap us in here? Every computer system can be overridden.
This one was a piece of cake.
Computer voice: You can't see me, but I can see you.
Rainbows are nature's rainbows.
Don't think I didn't notice, by the way.
- Notice what? - Chris, you knock unconscious.
- Me, you try to kill.
- ( scoffs ) I was under mind control, Dan.
It wasn't my fault.
All I ever do is reach out to you.
Well, it looks like my new security consultant has failed me.
Would you destroy them, please? - With pleasure.
- Thanks.
I got this one.
Score to settle.
I completely understand that.
( metal scrapes ) ( metal clangs ) No! Barry! ILSA! Nooo! Activate security protocol "Barry's in trouble.
" - ( whimpers ) - Prepare to be terminated.
- Uh-oh.
- Man, I hate technology.
( elevator dings ) There you are.
- Hiram! - Barry? You two know each other? I'll say.
We used to be partners until Barry here stole my ideas, froze me out, and stole my half of the company.
How dare you treat this unstable cannibal that way? I dropped off the grid after that.
I've lived off the land for 1 5 years.
And the occasional stranded motorist.
You never had the vision, Hiram.
Oh, I have a vision, Barry.
Track with me on this.
First I'm going to finish with the little guy here.
Little guy? How about I show you my little fist, hill person? Andthen I'm coming afteryou.
Not if my security robots have anything to say about it.
Not if my security robots have anything to say about it.
Destroy them, all of them.
- With pleasure.
- Hey, technophobe! TV is awesome! ( growls ) Dan: Gah! ( alarm blaring ) No! Destroy.
- Destroy.
Destroy.
- Hiram: Yahoo! - Destroy.
- ( cackles ) This isn't over! ( cackles ) Whoo hoo hoo! Dude.
Whoo! - Don't touch me.
- ( cackles ) Destroy.
Destroy.
Destroy.
We've got to get Chris and get out of here.
Dan: The whole place is coming down.
Wow.
Those structure fires really get out of hand.
- You would know.
- ( laughs ) I sure would.
Take that, technology.
Take that, Barry Ditmer.
You know, I retract my previous statement.
You look fine in chrome.
Thank you, Dan.
( theme music playing ) Crowd: Ahh.