Duck Dodgers (2003) s01e13 Episode Script

That one hurt, captain.
Divert more power to the shields.
Protectorate spacecraft, you have entered Martian territory.
Surrender your vessel or be destroyed.
Commander, this is a medical supply ship.
Our navigational instruments are damaged.
We-- I'm sure the Martian Tribunal will be more than understanding.
Put us between those ships, cadet.
Aye, aye, captain.
Enemy targeted.
Weapons charged.
Fire.
- Whoa! - Aah! Feel like picking on someone your own size? Ah, Dodgers.
Quite the maneuver.
Perhaps we can-- [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Hang on, I'm getting another call.
Turn off the cell phone.
Dr.
Woe? I can't believe it.
Just sit tight.
I'll be right there.
Sorry, Dodgers, but I have to go.
My archenemy has seized control of the Martian palace.
Archenemy? But I'm your archenemy.
Did you think that a Martian commander of my stature would have you for an archenemy? Gaaakk the Eviscerator.
Octina.
Tarvoxx Nineteen.
Now, those are enemies.
My dear fellow, you're not even in my top 10.
Frankly, I consider you more of a minor irritant than an actual foe.
I rank you somewhere between Incontinento the Ever-Moist and the boy who keeps throwing my newspaper in the bushes.
Oh, well, gotta run.
Toodles.
Yahoo! We did it.
We saved the supply ship.
Wahoo! Up top, captain.
Captain? Is something wrong? Wrong? What could be wrong about chasing some little Martian jerk around the galaxy, only to find out he has another.
I feel so betrayed.
But, captain, you're young.
You'll make other enemies.
[SNIFFLES.]
- Really? - Eh.
Who am I trying to kid? I'm a terrible enemy.
Balderdash.
You're an excellent enemy.
Why, most people already don't like you.
That's true.
Boy, I bet that if I put my mind to it, I could be downright detestable.
I think you missed my point.
DODGERS: Set a course for Mars.
Dr.
Woe, we meet again.
Congratulations on your dramatic entrance, commander.
But who's going to pay for my window? Your window? In case you haven't noticed, I've taken control of the palace.
If you don't believe me, ask your queen.
I'm afraid he's right, commander.
Unless you can defeat him, Dr.
Woe will rule Mars.
You fiend.
All right, Woe, choose your weapons.
I've always been fond of the laser saber.
Then laser sabers, it is.
Prepare to meet thy doom.
You've improved since we last met, but I am still the master.
Not for long, Woe.
Let's take this to higher ground.
If we must.
Now, fight.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
It is I, the impressively potent Duck Dodgers.
I don't care who you are.
You're paying for that window.
Do you know this duck? No.
Uh, barely.
He's nobody.
Nobody? Listen here, Brunswick, only family members are allowed to call me nobody.
Oh, so this is the guy.
Have you taken a close look at him lately? DODGERS: He's a Jell-O head with a turkey neck cauliflower ears, prune lips and hot dog breath.
Frankly, he sounds more like the HomeTown Buffet than an evil archenemy.
Commander, who is this interloper? Oh, he's just some guy I have to deal with from time to time.
It's nothing, really.
He's lying.
We've been, how shall I say it, doing battle for some time now.
Ooh.
This is making me very angry.
And I bet he never even mentioned that weekend in Barbados.
COMMANDER: Time to let the gas out of this hot air bag.
Say goodbye, Dodgers.
Goodbye.
Wow, that's a lot of gas.
You're paying for those.
[WOE LAUGHS.]
Behold, my secret weapon: An army of giant acid-spitting insects.
Nyah! Oh, dear.
Ready to surrender? Not while I have these.
You're going to defeat me with a handful of rice? It's not rice.
It's an army of instant Martians.
Just add water.
All right, Woe, let the final battle begin.
DODGERS: Not so fast.
You weren't going to start without me, the mad professor Insaneo.
[DODGERS LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
I am really sorry about this.
Your silly schemes are nothing compared to my fiendish machinations.
Behold, my malevolent hunchback assistant, Josephus.
I don't have a hunchback.
Who knows what sort of crazed and twisted monstrosity I will unleash? [MANIACAL LAUGHTER.]
Now feel the fury of [KITTENS MEWING AND PURRING.]
some of the cutest little kittens you've ever seen.
- Kittens? - It's all I could come up with on a such short notice.
I know there's only five of you and you're tiny and weak.
But together, you can do it.
Let's show them what teamwork is all about.
This is really quite pathetic.
Yes, very sad.
[KITTENS SCREECHING.]
Aah! Aah! Ooh, get them off! Get them off me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, aah! Let's pretend like this never happened.
WOE: Just think, my dear queen a simple pull of a lever is all that separates me from total domination of Mars.
COMMANDER: Not so fast, Dr.
Woe.
You leave me little choice but to use this, the Martian Psychonic Scrambler.
You wouldn't dare.
I would, too.
Prepare for scramblization.
Goodbye, Dr.
Woe.
Oh, dear.
[COMMANDER SHOUTING IN PAIN.]
I thought that you might stoop to something this low, commander.
So I brought along these mirrored sunglasses.
I don't want to go swimming in my underpants, Grandma.
The neighbor girl will see me.
Oh, no, it looks like I'm doomed.
But looks, milady, can sometimes be deceiving.
- Dodgers? - In this guise I prefer to be called the Evil Lord Destructocon.
But you're not evil.
Aren't you trying to rescue me or something? Oh, yeah, I guess I'm not too evil.
Please refer to me as the Benevolent Lord Destructocon.
And behold, my fiendish-- I mean, friendly sidekick Chaos Lad.
Couldn't I have at least worn a T-shirt? Look, Dodgers, I'm going to flip this switch drop her into the fiery, molten lava and spend the rest of my evening making bucket-head here wish he was never born.
Help me! Help me! Oh, yeah? Well, listen up, prune boy.
That little bowling-ball-headed shrimp happens to be my little bowling-ball-headed shrimp.
And if anyone is gonna defeat these Martian losers, it's me.
So hit the bricks, baldy.
[WOE SCREAMS.]
Too late, Dodgers, Mars is mine.
It's getting a little toasty in here.
Fear not, milady, I will free you from your gilded cage.
[MARTIAN QUEEN SCREAMS.]
- Dodgers, that was magnificent.
- 'Twas nothing.
And I never knew you could shoot laser beams out of your eyes.
Well, there's a lot of things you don't-- - Laser whats out of my where? - Curses.
Thank you for flying Air Dodgers.
You may now exit the vehicle.
My hero.
Uh, I mean, my enemy.
My very-hated enemy.
Right back at you, baby.
WOE: Ha-ha-ha! So long, suckers.
You haven't seen the last of Dr.
Woe.
[WOE SCREAMS.]
[HEAVY THUD.]
Ow.
Nice work, Chaos Lad.
You're a credit to sidekicks everywhere.
Can I put my clothes back on? My nipples are getting cold.
Carry on.
You know, Dodgers, I've been looking for a personal archenemy myself.
Perhaps we could discuss this over dinner.
Wait, wait.
You can't run off with her.
After all, you're my archenemy.
Your archenemy? My dear fellow, you're not even in my top 13.
Come along, my dear.
We have important enemy matters to discuss.
But, Dodgers, you can't leave me like this.
Those other enemies meant nothing to me.
I wonder if Tarvoxx Nineteen has an opening.
- Rockets are locked, commander.
- This will be my finest hour.
[ALERT BLARING.]
This doesn't look good, captain.
The Martians are preparing to fire.
I can see that, cadet.
Who can that be? [SA'AM LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
It be General K'chutka Sa'am.
And I'm a-preparin' to blast you to space smithereenies.
Um, this actually isn't a very good time for me.
Too bad.
I'm a-here to-- - Dodgers, what is the delay? - The little runt's looking for a rumble.
I was really hoping to annihilate you before noon.
Well, I hate to throw you off schedule.
CANASTA: Attention, Duck Dodgers.
Now who's a-crashing the party? I think it's my gardener.
I'm not your gardener.
I'm Nasty Canasta, intergalactic bounty hunter.
Oh, yeah, I remember you.
You're that cowboy guy.
- I seek your destruction, Dodgers.
- Take a number.
Dodgers is mine.
I think not, you hairy little hamster.
Dodgers is mine.
Gee, I never knew you cared.
Dodgers, I don't mean to interrupt anything important - You are.
- but your annual inventory review is two weeks late.
Can we talk about this another time? Your flip attitude about inventory analysis does not become a Protectorate officer.
Captain Dodgers, sir, do you have a second? - Of course not, cadet.
- I just thought I'd let you know my niece and nephews are coming to visit for a whole month.
Isn't that nice? We will discuss this later.
Dodgers, are we going to do battle or what? Yes, we are going to do battle.
SA'AM: But what about me? CANASTA: Forget you, short stuff.
Dodgers is mine.
Tough beans, bounty hunter.
Tough beans to you.
Come on, Dodgers, let's fight.
COMMANDER: I was here first.
SA'AM: I'll get him.
SA'AM: He's mine.
CADET: Captain Dodgers are you allergic to ferrets? Dodgers, it's me.
I've decided to take you back.
That's it! I quit.
- You what? - Please, Dodgers, make sense.
Yeah, you can't quit.
I grow tired of these cosmic hijinks.
I'm getting a respectable job.
- What else could you do? - I have many other skills.
Ha, ha! Oh, please.
Did he, ha, ha say skills? Ha, ha! Hardy har har.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
SA'AM [LAUGHING.]
: Can't take it! I must be good at something.
Ouch! MAN: Let's see, three years at the Cordon Bleu in Paris personal chef to the Queen of Mars, appeared on Iron Chef twice.
Chairman of the League of Women Voters.
Almost too good to be true, Chef Dodgers.
You know what I think when I see a résumé like this? I think I'm the luckiest restaurant manager in town.
Welcome aboard, Chef Dodgers.
Hmm.
Have we met? And this is the kitchen, totally state-of-the-art.
And we've also just hired an assistant for you.
Oh, trainee.
Hello, Mr.
Neighborly.
- What did you say your name was? - I'm the new trainee.
Hmm.
You ever been to Sheboygan? All right, trainee, this is it, the lunch rush.
This is what separates the men from the boys.
So heed my words and tarry not, keep pace or we shall be overwhelmed.
'Tis a fate worse than death.
So good luck, trainee.
Aren't you gonna help? I'd really love to, but I'm reading the new John Grisham novel - and I can't put it down.
- Oh, okay.
I guess he knows what he's doing.
DODGERS: Oh, trainee.
Yes? What's this word? Cat.
Ah, thanks, buddy.
And don't fall behind.
[DODGERS LAUGHING.]
This John Grisham is, ha, ha, ha, hilarious, boy.
- Ooh, boy.
- That's not supposed to be funny.
It's a legal thriller.
I hate it when these comedians feel like they have to branch out into drama.
Pathetic.
[THUD.]
[NEIGHBORLY SHOUTS IN PAIN.]
Dodgers.
Ha, ha, sorry, Mr.
Friendly.
NEIGHBORLY: Neighborly.
- Neighborly.
Oh, my, these orders are really stacking up.
[NEIGHBORLY LAUGHING.]
This John Grisham cracks me up.
Two eggs over easy, wheat toast and a side of hash browns.
Two eggs, wheat toast and a side of hash-- Fried potatoes.
- Spaghetti and meatballs.
- Spaghetti and meatballs.
Hot dogs au gratin with hollandaise sauce.
Corn on the cob.
Cheese fries.
Turkey dinner with all the fixins.
Hamburger, T-bone steak, pot roast, Salisbury steak, neck bones, prime rib rib eye steak, one duck dinner.
DODGERS: Cancel duck dinner.
There.
[TRAINEE SCREAMS.]
- Fire! - Stand clear, trainee.
There.
All is well.
No, it's not.
All the food is a mess.
Don't worry.
I'll just activate the Auto Chef.
He'll take care of everything.
[AUTO CHEF BEEPING.]
Where did he come from? Well, when the mama robot and the daddy robot fall in love and get married-- NEIGHBORLY: Dodgers, I've got an emergency on my hands.
I'll finish my story when I get back.
I didn't get to the good part yet.
I've heard a rumor that a new restaurant is moving into the neighborhood.
It's no rumor, Neighborly.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Melvyn, manager of the new Melvyn's Restaurant.
I just wanted to warn you so you can prepare to go out of business.
Don't count on it, Melvyn.
My customers are loyal.
Free refills on soft drinks at Melvyn's.
[CROWD CHATTERING EXCITEDLY.]
Farewell, loser.
Where are you going? Hey, free refills.
[NEIGHBORLY GROWLS.]
Get back here.
We've got to figure out a way to save the restaurant.
All right, trainee, are you set? I have the restaurant motivator ready.
Full speed ahead.
Um, I pretty much only have up, down, forward and back.
Okay, let's do forward then.
He's going to ram us.
Battle stations, everyone.
[CROWD SCREAMING.]
I mean, free refills.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Well, if it's chicken he wants, it's chicken he'll get.
Ramming speed.
- Um.
- Just push the forward button again.
Evasive maneuvers.
Hit the up button.
Whoa! - Ha, ha! Direct hit.
- But we just knocked his sign off.
No restaurant can survive without proper signage.
[MELVYN SCREAMING.]
[HEAVY THUD.]
MELVYN: Free refills.
Well, Dodgers, Neighborly's is back open for business.
We'll see you tomorrow.
I think you've got a great future here.
Good night, Mr.
Neighborly.
Good night, trainee.
Good night, Captain Dodgers.
Goodnight, cadet.
- Captain.
- Cadet.
Cadet? What are you doing here? I was hoping you'd consider coming back to the Protectorate.
It just hasn't been the same without you.
And it hasn't been the same without you.
Although it has been eerily similar.
[English - US -SDH.]