Empty Nest (1988) s01e13 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one, we fill the days We find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on And the beauty of it is, you can turn it over and do it again.
We don't need any more toys, Stan.
Okay, okay, you don't like this one.
I don't blame you.
I don't like it myself.
But this, this I like.
This I love.
Your huggable apache warrior.
This is hot.
The kids The kids can fight with him.
Why, you ugh! Or do a rain dance.
Hay-a-ma-ma, ay-ya-la-ya or if they're into the Indian rights thing, they can just be damn proud of him.
You Good-bye, Stan.
Unless you want me to bury your heart at wounded knee.
Okay.
I'll see you next month.
In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt if you watched death of a salesman.
What a depressing place this is.
Everybody around here is sick.
- Another bad date last night? - Yeah.
- She liked you? - Yeah.
- You didn't like her? - Yeah.
Oh, now, you'll find somebody.
It'll happen all of a sudden where you least expect it, like a bat in your blouse.
Harry? Harry, oh, Harry, I have to see you, please.
All right, Jenny, just take it easy.
Hi, Alec.
Hi, how are you? All right, just take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong.
Well, you see, Alec has developed this little problem.
He has this fear of Um well, balloons.
- Balloons? - Uh-huh.
You mean he's afraid of balloons when they go pop? No, Harry, they don't have to be doing anything, just floating.
And he's just so scared to death of them.
He hides behind my leg.
I mean, I don't know what to do.
There are gang fights and drug addicts out there, and I live in terror the circus will come to town.
Just don't worry about it, all right? Now, listen, Alec, your old pal Harry is gonna take care of your balloon problem, okay? Okay.
Oh, good, good.
Now, listen, I have a good friend down.
He's a child psychologist.
His name is James Philips.
He's right down the hall.
He's a lovely man.
And he's gonna take care of you.
Come on.
And Laverne will call over and tell him that you're on the way.
Oh, thank you, Harry.
I'm so grateful.
It's my pleasure, dear.
Come on, Alec.
Bye-bye, Alec, dear.
See ya.
Alec al you gonna walk him over? I'm thinking about it.
It's all right, dear.
Don't worry about it.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
Back to headquarters.
There you go.
Liz, is Jimmy with anybody? - No, Harry.
- Thank you, dear.
But he's not but still I'm called buttercup Poor little buttercup sweet little buttercup ahhh Hi.
Um You're not Dr.
Philips.
And you're not Beverly sills.
I'm, really I am so silly solly Sorry, sorry.
That's okay.
If I hear Gilbert and Sullivan, I get a little crazy, because they're, like, my favorite.
- Mine too.
- Really? Did you know the two of them never really got along? Yes, I did know that.
Bud I have absolutely no idea who you are.
Oh, hi, I'm Dr.
Harry Weston.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
I'm Dr.
Diane Hardy.
I'm filling in for Dr.
Philips.
He spoke very highly of you.
Of course, he never heard you sing, I'm sure.
Dr.
Hardy Uh well, Dr.
Hardy, I have a little patient.
His name is Alec.
And it seems that he has developed a kind of phobia for balloons.
And you'd like me to see him as a patient? Mm-hmm.
I'd be glad to do that.
Oh, that's great.
I appreciate that very much.
Is there anything else? Um Uh Yeah I was wondering Well, I just i was thinking that maybe See, if you I would like to see you.
I don't see anyone over 12.
No, no, no, no.
No, I mean I mean I would like to see more of you, unprofessionally, I mean.
Out of uniform, so to speak.
Not entirely.
That's that's not Not what I meant.
You are asking me for a date.
Yes, I'm sorry.
No, don't be.
I'd like that.
Really? That's terrific.
When? I don't know.
Thursday, 8:00, dinner? Dinner oh, I love dinner.
Something else we have in common.
You want to ease up on the starch? At some point, daddy's gonna want to bend.
You're giving homemaker tips? You, whose idea of a spring cleaning is rotating boyfriends? Girls! Girls! I can't find my lucky shirt! Where's my lucky shirt? I'm ironing it! Oh.
Well, forget it.
I don't need it.
I don't have a suit.
I can't go without a suit.
I'm steaming the wrinkles out of it, daddy.
Would you listen to him? He's acting like this is his first date.
He's been going out with this lady for two weeks.
He likes Dr.
Hardy a lot.
You know, no matter how hard I try, I do too.
I don't know.
There's something odd about her.
I always pictured daddy with someone more I don't know, cozy.
Okay, here we go.
What? I like her, so you have to hate her.
You cannot stand, not once, to agree with me, can you? That's ridiculous.
I just don't like her.
She's a top psychologist Intelligent, cultured, beautiful.
What is it you don't like about her, Barbara? Her clutch purse? I don't know.
It's just something.
Well, this is perfect.
I've ruined my hair.
Here, put this on.
Your hair looks great.
No, it doesn't.
Look at this, watch.
It doesn't move.
It's that dumb men's hair spray.
I don't know I buy these things.
I got the hair of Gibraltar.
God forbid the woman wants to run her fingers through my hair.
She'll break a nail.
I i I'm talking too much, right? No, it's okay.
No, you can tell me.
It's It's just that i I want to say so much to you.
You know how some things seem unimportant until you find the right person to tell them to? You know, like, big things, little things, like how your day was and what your dreams are and why you would pick this restaurant.
Yes no, well, it's fun.
And I want some fun.
I want to forget about cholesterol and forget about calories.
And, my god, this is making me hungry.
Let's order.
Let's get some food here.
Hi, my name's Tracy, and this is my first day-ay-ay! Ordering may be tougher than you think.
It's okay.
She'll be back, and I will stop talking.
I promise.
I will.
I'm acting like a child, aren't I? I am.
No.
No, I'm acting like Ernest borgnine in that movie Marty, you know, where he couldn't stop talking because he's having such a wonderful time, you know? I mean, Ernest borgnine is hardly a child, although I'm sure he once was.
Have you decided? Yeah, I want to have double cheeseburgers, everything on them, chili fries, and two chocolate shakes no, no, no, he'll have that.
I will have a green salad, no dressing.
Diane, come on, live a little.
Order some croutons.
Excuse me, would you mind giving me just a little push? Sure, here we go.
Let's get back to you.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
What's the matter? That girl.
She's coming back skating towards me with cheeseburgers and chili fries and a chocolate shake.
Come, come, move over.
God, I love Bruce Willis.
Sure, he's tough with a bazooka stuck in his belt, but you get him on my ship in bad weather, he'd be throwing up with everybody else.
What an incredible night.
And look, my incredible family.
Daddy, what are you so happy about? Well, I had a hamburger, and I had a chocolate shake, and I wrapped the sprained ankle of a waitress, and I'm in love.
I am in love.
I am in love.
Daddy, are you serious? You're in love with her? I just realized myself while I was driving home.
I am in love.
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
Where's camera? I want to get a picture of me in love.
Harry, you're my best buddy.
I got to be honest with you.
Dump her.
What? Something about Diane I can't put my finger on.
Charley, I'm happy.
Go home.
Okay, but I know women.
This one is t-r-u-b-e-l.
Daddy, about this whole thing with you and Diane Oh, baby, how dumb can I be? I'm so sorry.
I know how difficult this must be for you.
I know how you feel about me and other women.
No, no, I just want to say I think she's wonderful.
You do? Yes.
She likes her.
And Barbara.
Barbara likes everybody, right, sweetheart? Heh? Barbara? Honey I'd like to say I like her.
I would really like to say that, but I just can't.
I really like her, daddy.
Barbara, sweetheart, spend a little time with Diane, and you're gonna have to be falling love with her too.
Okay, let's get a picture of Harry Weston in love.
Let me think about Diane just for a minute here.
I'm telling you, Laverne, at toys "r" us, they're mauling each other to get their hands on these things.
Hold on, there, Tex.
Aren't you forgetting something? You see that? He forgot his hat.
Stan, I don't want to send you away empty-handed.
I'll take a box of them Lincoln logs.
You got it.
And as a special bonus gift, a ball-point pen.
A girl wearing a bikini? Not anymore.
Stan, get out of here.
Hey, doc.
Hi, doc.
- Hi.
- Hi, hi.
Thanks for lunch, Harry.
You're welcome.
You realize that that was our ninth meal together? We should celebrate.
Let's go out to dinner.
Hey, did you tell her about Alec? Alec? Is there a problem? Well, as a matter of fact Um Alec's mother called, and she just seems a little concerned.
Shouldn't we discuss this in private? Oh, yes, yeah, excuse me, dear.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Thank you, dear.
Uh, Diane, Alec thinks you don't like him.
Aww.
He says you won't let him call you Diane.
That's true.
And that when he got scared, you wouldn't give him a hug.
Oh, Harry, I have to maintain my professional distance.
I have to remain objective, detached.
That's how I work.
I'm sorry.
No, you're right.
None of my business.
Forgiven.
So what time are we having dinner tonight? Our tenth meal will be at 6:30, and the theater at 8:00.
Okay.
Now, before I go, let me see that shy smile that makes me weak in the knees.
No, Harry, not here.
No, we can't do this here.
We can't do this here.
Here, take this.
No one will be suspicious.
Just act real normal.
All right, go ahead.
All right, now, you watch that skinned knee, and I want you to stay on the mat during naptime.
Ha-ha.
Oh, she's an amazing woman.
I don't like her.
You don't, huh? She is tougher than my mama's meatloaf, and my mama's meatloaf can drive nails.
Oh, Laverne, you don't understand.
That's not the way she is.
That's just her way of treating patients.
What is it with everybody? She's a terrific lady.
I don't like her.
Laverne, to save you from some rather painful embarrassment, let me point out to you that you're talking about the woman I love.
And tonight after the theater, I'm gonna drive to the beach, and I'm gonna tell her so.
I don't like her.
Yeah.
Too dark.
It's too light.
It's too dark.
I wonder if god had this problem.
Of course, he had six days to work it all out.
I don't unders Ah, all right, perfect.
Whew.
Coming! Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It's awfully dark in here.
Yeah, well, I didn't have six days to figure it out.
What? No, no, no, you're right.
It's dark.
I will turn them up.
Dreyfuss! Dreyfuss, what are you doing? I'm sorry.
He's usually very friendly with strangers.
If you had broken in, he'd be licking your face.
Go on, get.
That's a beautiful table, Harry.
Thank you.
Dr.
Hardy, dear, may I have this dance? I thought you'd never ask.
Ah.
Oh You know, I could do this all night.
Well, so could I.
But we should probably eat so we can get to the theater.
All right, just another twirl or two.
Well, we better get there on time or parking will be a mess.
Wait a minute, I thought I was leading.
Hold on.
I have a great idea.
Let's forget the theater.
Harry, we can't forget the theater.
Why not? We have tickets.
Forget the tickets.
Harry, you're being very irresponsible.
I know.
Isn't it wonderful? Oh, I haven't felt like this in 30 years.
Oh, yes.
Come on, listen.
I have an even better idea.
What? Let's skip dinner, skip the theater, and go right to the beach.
I have this rather major revelation I would like to share with you.
You want to go to the beach At night.
Yeah.
Isn't that romantic? Well, Harry, it's It's very creative.
Maybe if we plan for it sometime and we don't have tickets for something, yeah? Oh, no, Diane, this moment may never come along again.
And if tickets are a problem, I can take care of that for you.
There you go.
Gone.
Harry What did you do? I made the world go away.
No, you didn't.
You made it very difficult for us to get into the theater.
Diane, Diane, come over here.
Trust me on this.
I know what I'm talking about.
Is that the top half of a four? Diane Harry, we're supposed to be eating now so we can get to the theater on time.
We had a plan.
You don't just suddenly change a plan with no reason at all.
Of course you do, Diane.
That's what romance is all about.
Not for sensible people.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Something's very wrong here.
Oh, Harry Let's just talk about this later when you're not so upset.
No, no, just wait a minute.
You see, I have developed these feelings for you, and instead of having a joyous celebration, I'm having some dumb fight over these unimportant, stupid theater tickets.
Well, maybe if you'd just calm down.
Calm down? I don't want to calm down.
Why don't you get angry? I just tore up your tickets.
Get a little steamed.
I am steamed.
That's your best steamed? You think this is steamed? Hi, guys.
I will show you steamed.
Charley, get the hell out of here! Okay.
Harry, I don't know what it is you want from me.
Diane, I want you to laugh when I tear up theater tickets on a whim.
I want you to be happy when I take you to a diner with skating waitresses.
And to tell you the truth, I want you to let your patients call you by your first name, and if they're scared, give them a little hug.
I'm sorry.
I I can't be what you want me to be.
Listen, let's just forget it, please.
Um Make my knees weak again, I can't.
Oh, dreyfuss Life was a lot simpler when we were young, wasn't it, huh? Do you remember that? We had a bad day, we chewed a little shoe, we felt better.
Remember? No more.
Hey, pal.
Daddy, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at the theater? The evening did not go well.
What went wrong? Too much light.
But Diane's so terrific, daddy.
What happened? Oh, dear, I don't know.
I found out that i I was in love with somebody I didn't really like.
We got into an argument.
At least I did.
She didn't get involved.
I wanted to pull my heart out.
She wanted a good parking space.
I knew it.
I knew there was something wrong with her.
Yeah, that's true.
You knew.
So did Laverne.
Laverne knew? Yeah, Charley.
Charley? Even dreyfuss knew.
Dreyfuss knew? Yeah, I think I knew too.
I just didn't want to admit it.
You know, when you're in love, you just want to see the good stuff.
Dreyfuss knew? Oh, daddy, don't be too hard on yourself.
It happens to all of us.
I thought Diane was great.
I have the worst instincts on the planet.
Everybody knew, but me.
The damn dog knew.
I'm sorry.
This must be very hard for you.
Oh, I don't know, dear.
I guess it hurt a little but I found out something very important.
I found out I could fall in love again.
I can lift the garage door and I can fall in love again, and that feels very good.
Hmm.
Oh, that's my date.
I met him last weekend.
You're going to love him.
He is a wonderful, wonderful guy.
Hi, Carol.
I'm sorry, Jeff.
It's over.
Aren't you proud of me? Well, not really, dear.
You were standing on dreyfuss' tail.
Jeff!