Family Ties (1982) s01e13 Episode Script

I bet we've been together for a million years and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed and I can't remember what I ever did before what would we do, baby without us? what would we do, baby without us? and there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other through ooh-hoo what would we do, baby without us? sha-la-la-la.
I don't mean to be rude, but do you guys mind if I use this room for a while? Oh, no, go right ahead.
Well, what I mean is What I'm trying to say Want us to leave? Well, not right away.
I was hoping you could help me clean up before you left.
Do we have to leave the grounds altogether? Can we find a room somewhere to hide? Oh, you don't understand.
Sherry Marshall's gonna be here any minute, and I'm anxious to make a good impression on her.
Who is Sherry Marshall? She happens to be a pi nu, the best sorority in the whole world.
She's the president! Is she coming alone or with some secret service agents? Yesterday, out of all the kids in Mrs.
pober's class, Sherry picked me to do her science project with her.
I think she may ask me to pledge the sorority, so I want everything to be perfect.
Dad, can you give me a hand with skippy? Oh, no! Why are you bringing him in here? Is that the voice of my beloved? Is that you, Mallory?! I'm not your beloved, skippy.
We've been through this before.
I am your neighbor and ex-babysitter.
What happened?! Oh, he was going out for a pass, and he ran into the pole.
I told you to run a down-and-in, skippy.
You were supposed to go to the pole and stop.
I did I stopped when I hit the pole! Get a cold rag, honey.
Come sit down, skippy.
Oh, mom! Don't let him sit down! Sherry's gonna be here any minute.
He's hurt.
He's got to sit down.
Well, then, at least cover him up with something.
Can't you talk nicely to skippy? Sorry, dad.
Listen, skip, uh It's vital that you leave now.
Someone very important is on her way over to see me.
Obviously, I don't want her to think I know you.
I understand.
Much better.
Come on, skippy, let's take a look at that scratch.
Steven: Yeah.
That's her! Quick get him out of here! Oh, Mallory! Hurry! Hurry! Before she sees me! Hi, Sherry.
Come on in.
Hi.
You know, I am really glad we're partners.
It's gonna be a lot of fun, and it's a great chance for us to get to know one another.
Yeah, great.
Where's Alex? Huh? Alex Keaton.
Isn't he your brother? I suppose technically he is, yeah.
Anyway, I was thinking about something along the lines of ecology.
Maybe a chart showing the breeding cycles Yeah.
So, uh, is he here? Well, I don't know.
We're really not that close.
I run into him now and again down at the market.
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
It's time for the commerce and shipping news.
Alex, we do mind.
We're doing a project for school here.
All right, all right.
I'll listen to it upstairs.
It's a lot more exciting in stereo, anyway.
Wait.
You know what? I'll go with you.
I just love the commerce and shopping news.
"Shipping.
" Ah.
Right.
You know, I don't think we've met.
I'm Sherry Marshall.
Great.
Take care of yourself.
So, anyways, what do you think about the ecology thing? Or maybe you have something else in mind.
Does Alex ever go out with any of your friends? No, never.
He says he has some kind of reputation to uphold.
That's too bad.
He's really cute.
I was hoping, um, we could double-date sometime.
Double-date? Me and you? But if Alex never goes out with your friends Uh, did I say "never"? I don't know what I was thinking.
You know, come to think of it, there's still some openings on our sorority list.
We're voting on them next week at our big dance.
That'd be a great place for a double date.
I forgot my globe.
Uh, how's your project coming? It's starting to shape up.
Ah! I've come up with a terrific idea for Mallory's science project.
Isn't Mallory supposed to come up with an idea? Her idea was for dad to come up with it.
Anyway, I think she should try making a scale model of a molecule.
Mallory can't even make a salad.
Steven, I can see it coming You're gonna do the whole project for her.
Unh-unh.
I learned my lesson on that relief map of south America I did for Jennifer.
I had to take an incomplete on that one.
I explained that to you, Jennifer.
I ran out of paste.
Anyway, I still think you should have handed it in.
Mrs.
dannon's pretty sharp.
I think she would have noticed if Brazil was missing.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Okay.
Uh, Jennifer, don't sit there.
That's Alex's chair.
Since when? Well, he prefers to sit there.
I think we should let Alex have his way on that.
He asks so little of us.
Have you been under your hair dryer too long? Morning.
Steven: Hey, Alex.
Oh, hi, Alex.
Your favorite chair is ready.
I've been holding it for you.
What kind of cereal will you be having this morning? This kind.
Let me get that for you.
Uh, would you like some toast to go with that? No, I'm, uh I'm going in early this morning.
I haven't got time to wait for toast.
Well, have dad's.
I'm sorry, dad.
I-i didn't know you wanted that.
Sure.
T-there was no way you could tell.
Alex, what would you say if I told you I could get you a date with one of the most popular girls in school? I'd say that I don't need your help to do that.
Like who? She is a wonderful girl with a great personality.
No, sounds bad already.
Look, Mallory, this wouldn't be your friend Sherry, would it? Right.
No way.
Why not? Well, just the fact that you want me to go out with her is enough reason not to.
That's sweet.
Look, Alex, for some strange reason, Sherry Marshall thinks you're cute.
Now, I want you to go out with her, say great things about me, and help me get into pi nu.
Mallory, you sound a little desperate about the sorority.
I'm not desperate, but I want to get in.
Is it worth joining the sorority, though, if you have to be manipulative and deceitful to get in? Yeah.
Aw, mom, you know what these things are like.
The hard part is getting in.
And then once you're in, then you can be yourself.
Well, that's my ride.
I got to be in early today.
Oh, what do you say, Alex? She really thinks you're cute.
Listen, Mallory, I don't go out with girls who have I.
Q.
S lower than room temperature, who have contagious diseases, or who are friends of yours.
And there's certainly some overlap in those three categories.
How's your science project going, dad? Well, it's not my science project, Jennifer.
It's Mallory's.
Having some trouble with it.
What is it? Uh, ice.
Don't let it melt.
No It's not really ice.
This is a perfect representation of a group of crystallized water molecules.
Your father's very proud of it.
He's hoping for an "a.
" Alex, why won't you help me out on this? It's just one date.
That's all.
It's the principle, Mallory.
I am not some cheap floozy available for one-night stands with people you want to impress.
Next thing, you'll be asking me to jump out of a cake.
Hi.
Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Hi, skippy.
Actually, no.
We're just going in to dinner.
As luck would have it, I'm free for dinner tonight! That is lucky.
Forget it, skippy.
She's kidding.
You're welcome to stay for dinner.
But call your mother.
She sent me over.
So, skippy, what do you think of my I mean, uh, Mallory's, uh, science project? Well, my dad I mean, mine came out better.
Mallory's not finished yet.
Alex, I'm not just here for dinner tonight.
I'm here for a victory celebration.
Congratulate me and pay me.
What are you babbling about? Well, remember that bet we made about six years ago that I would never get any grade higher than a "c" in school? Well, read this and weep.
This is a hygiene test.
This doesn't count.
Look at these questions.
"When do you use soap?" How could you miss that? A test is a test, Alex! You owe me 50 bucks! I haven't got 50 bucks.
It's dinnertime For one of you.
Your mother said I could stay, Mallory.
She's had a high fever, skippy.
She hasn't been herself.
Skip.
If I can get Mallory to let you stay for dinner, will you knock 5 bucks off? I'll take off $10.
You drive a hard bargain, skippy.
You know, I could be persuaded to, uh, forget the entire $50 if you could get Mallory to Go out with me.
I'd love to go along with you on that one, skip, but let's try and stay in the real world here.
Well, it's just a chance for us to help each other out, that's all.
Dinner is on the table! Mallory, uh, can I talk to you for a second? What is it? I was thinking, Mallory Yesterday, you came to me in your hour of need to ask of me a favor.
I think that my rejection might have been a little hasty.
You mean you'll go out with Sherry? Yeah, I-i think so.
Great! That is wonderful! Uh, there is, however, one small favor that I'd like to ask of you.
Name it.
Anything.
I'd like you to go out on a date with, uh Young irwin, here.
I'd rather enter a convent.
I'm flattered by the competition.
Come on, Mallory, we can make this palatable.
It doesn't have to be a long date.
You don't even have to be civil.
Do I have to talk to him? Skip? Well, a couple of words would be nice.
Of course you'll have to talk to him.
Then it's off.
Conversation's overrated, skippy.
The important thing is you'll be together.
Okay, forget the talking.
I'm flexible on that one.
Do I have to go out in public with him? That's up to Alex.
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
See, we'll double-date.
We'll go together to the pi nu dance.
I'm not dancing with him.
There's not gonna be any dancing, skippy.
There's got to be dancing.
This point is non-negotiable.
I don't think he's bluffing, Mallory.
All right, one dance.
Two dances one slow.
Mallory? I'd almost rather die than do this.
Sounds like a "yes" to me, skip.
Now, don't lay it on too thick, okay? I mean, tell Sherry how wonderful I am and all that, but don't get too gushy about it.
I'll try and control myself.
Hey, you two guys look great.
Oh, you really think so? I'm so nervous.
What's the big deal? The big deal is that my life, my reputation, my entire social status is in Alex's hands.
Then you shouldn't be nervous.
Oh? You should panic.
Well, everybody all ready to go? Alex: Yeah.
I guess.
You look terrific, Mallory.
Thanks, mom.
Mallory, uh, this is for you from mom and me.
Oh, thank you! Now, I was under the impression that you two weren't too crazy about the idea of my joining.
Well, we're not happy about the way you're getting in, but we know it's important to you.
Alex, what made you change your mind about going out with Sherry? Well, I, uh, I thought it over, and I realized that if it meant that much to Mallory, it means that much to me.
Okay, you don't have to tell us if you don't want to.
Steven: Skip! Skippy, what are you doing here? I told you I'd meet you there.
I know, but you didn't tell me where it was.
Uh, m-Mallory, I don't mean to pry, but I'm kind of surprised that, uh, you and skip Well, I mean, that the two of you That we're going out on a "date"? Yeah.
I had to do it.
It's the only way I could get Alex to go out with Sherry.
Yeah, you see, uh, I'm going out with Sherry so Mallory will go out with skippy so I don't have to pay skippy the money I owe him on a stupid bet.
Ah, to be young and in love.
So, this is a great sorority.
All girls, right? Right.
Well, I think you're making a great move asking my sister to join.
I mean, she is a girl and everything.
Alex Did anyone ever tell you that you have a really cute nose? This one? Yeah.
Yeah, I like the way it just sits right there, just right in the middle of your face.
Well, I've tried other locations, but I've always found that this one works best.
You're funny, Alex.
You know I find a sense of humor in a man to be incredibly Sexually exciting.
A priest and a rabbi are in a rowboat Hi, you two.
Having fun? We were.
Now, don't believe everything Alex tells you.
I do have some flaws.
Here's one now.
So, Alex, how you doing with your woman? Come on, skippy, I'm gonna have to dance with you sooner or later.
Let's get it over with.
They make a cute couple, don't you think? Now, where were we? Oh, I can't remember exactly.
Something about you finding me incredibly exciting.
You know, Alex, I've admired you from afar for a long time.
Well, now you can admire me from a-close.
Okay, everyone.
Okay.
This is the moment we've all been waiting for.
It's time to announce the lucky new members of pi nu! Congratulations, Karen Sheldon donna Baldwin annette marilla and Katie Brewster! Welcome to our little family.
Excuse me.
Are you sure you didn't miss any names on that list? No, that's all.
Um, my name's Mallory Keaton.
Can you check one more time? I don't see your name on here anywhere.
I don't think it was submitted.
I don't understand.
Come on, Alex.
Let's go home.
Alex, let's go.
Mallory, do you mind? Alex, my name was not on the list to pledge the sorority.
Oh, what are you talking about? Sherry, wasn't Mallory's name on the list? I don't know.
I'm not on the membership committee.
W-well, I thought you said you were gonna Well, mal, these things happen.
I mean, obviously, Sherry did all she could.
Alex, I want to go home now.
Sorry.
I-i know how you feel.
I'll see you there.
You're not coming with me? I have responsibilities, Mallory.
I'm needed here.
Mallory I'll take you home.
Mallory! Hi, dad.
Why are you sitting here in the dark? I was just thinking.
What's that? Oh, this is your, uh, science project.
I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd work on it a little.
How am I doing on it? I'll be honest, mal You're having trouble.
At this point, it's a "b" or a b-plus, at best.
Well, dad, what's important is not the grade but what you learn from it.
How was the dance? It's terrible.
I wasn't even invited into the sorority.
Honey, w-w-what happened? Do you want to talk about it? What happened is that Sherry never even put my name on the list.
I mean, she got what she wanted, then forgot all about me.
Oh, mal, I'm sorry.
How could I be so stupid? Sherry was just using me.
Look, this may be hard to face, but, uh, weren't you using her, too? That's different.
How? It worked for her.
Thought I heard voices.
How was the party? Jennifer, your brother is a jerk.
I know that.
How was the party? You didn't get in, did you? Nope.
I'm sorry, honey.
Forget them, Mallory.
We don't need those stinky p.
U.
S, anyway.
Pi nus.
Same thing.
How could Sherry use me like that? And Alex knew she used me, and he still stayed there with her.
Well, we haven't heard Alex's side of the story.
Well, what could he say? "I'm sorry Sherry ruined your life, but I think she's cute"? Yeah, he could say that.
I can definitely picture Alex saying that.
I never got my slow dance! The party's over, skippy! Aren't you afraid you're spoiling him? It's just skippy.
You know, Mallory, for someone who was treated rudely tonight, you haven't learned any lessons from it.
What do you mean? It's a little difficult for us to have any sympathy for the way Sherry treated you with skippy out there in the shrubbery.
Alex! Thought I saw a light on.
Alex, you have a lot of nerve coming back home.
Mallory, just hear me out.
Yeah, I'll bet Alex told that Sherry off.
You probably just didn't want to walk out on her.
You were just being polite, right, Alex? Right, Alex? Talk to me, Alex! Can I speak to Mallory alone, please? Well, you guys do have some things to work out.
Let's go on up to bed.
Skippy, why don't you go into the kitchen and make yourself a few dozen sandwiches? Okay, but don't go to bed without telling me.
I hope you're proud of yourself, Alex.
What kind of brother are you?! Wait a minute, Mallory.
Let's go back a few steps here.
You're the one who started this whole thing.
You wanted me to go out with Sherry.
You wanted me to like her.
Yeah, but you were supposed to stop liking her once I didn't get into pi nu.
I'm sorry I should have read my rule book on trickery and manipulation in teenage dating.
Ohh.
No.
Don't play martyr with me, Alex.
You used me to get out of your bet with skippy.
I used you? You used me first to go out with Sherry to get you into pi nu.
That's only because Sherry was using me to get to you.
Exactly.
Sherry used me.
You used me.
I'm the only one who got used twice.
And I wasn't even trying to get into anything! Well you know what I mean.
Listen to us.
We're arguing over which one of us was more sleazy.
I think you won.
Let's face it.
This has been quite an unsavory chapter in our young lives.
I guess.
You know, when you think of it, the only one of us who was pure of motive and noble of heart is that young man in there.
Skippy: I'm sorry! I-I'll clean that up! I don't know, Alex.
It's like I had temporary insanity or something.
I wanted to get into that sorority so bad that nothing else mattered.
Everybody goes through a moment or two like that in their lives, Mallory.
Where was my pride, my self-respect? They didn't want me.
Why did I want them? They do have great sweaters.
I'm sorry, Alex.
I really owe you an apology.
Well, it's possible that my behavior has not exactly been above reproach.
I owe you an apology, too.
Accepted.
You know, if it makes you feel any better, I told Sherry that if you weren't good enough for her, she wasn't good enough for me.
I'm not gonna be seeing her anymore.
That's for me.
But you just said Yeah, well, that's not Sherry.
That's Lisa.
She's the sergeant at arms.
She's not like those other girls.
You'd really like her.
I'll bet.
Why don't you go on up and go to bed? I will.
I got something to take care of first, though.
What? I owe somebody something.
Can you come in here, please? Irwin, they're playing our song.