Foreign Exchange (2004) s01e13 Episode Script

1
(upbeat music)
(gentle music)
- Dad, what are you doing
for your wedding anniversary?
- [Craig] Plenty of time to
worry about that, sweetheart.
- It's tomorrow.
- No, it's not.
We've only been married for four months.
- Yeah, four months tomorrow.
- Duh!
Anniversary means every year.
- You should do something,
otherwise Jackie will
think that you don't care.
- Not a chance.
Oh, you think so?
- Showing you care is what
marriage is all about.
- I could take her for a special day out.
- That's a wonderful idea!
And when you get back, we could have
a nice family dinner ready.
- What do you mean we?
- That'll be great.
- Meredith!
- And I could write a poem.
(Craig chuckles)
- [Wayne] I'm outta here.
- Wait for me.
- Aw, fellas, where's the team spirit?
- We're a perfect team.
We're both leaving together.
- You have to do the cooking, Brett.
- What?
- Jackie's favorite, roast chicken.
- I can't cook.
- Sure you can, Brett.
You'll love it.
- Who asked you?
- You can help too, Wayne.
You're doing dessert.
- Me?
- Sure you can, Wayne, you'll love it!
- That's great, fellas.
I really appreciate it.
Well done, sweetheart.
- Isn't it nice that both the boys
have agreed to help?
(light music)
- [Tara] But surely this
kind of thing is illegal.
- Stop being such a drama queen, Tara!
- Actually, until we turn 16,
Miss Murphy's our locus parentis,
which basically gives her the right
to make us do anything.
- I don't care what kind of locust she is.
Slave labor is slave labor.
- This is child exploitation.
If we were children, which,
of course, we're not.
- What are we doing it for anyway?
- Hey, watch it!
- That's the way, keep at it.
I want this place to really sparkle.
- Why, Miss Murphy?
- Never mind why, Tara,
just do it, please.
- The school has absolutely no right
to make us do the cleaning.
That's why Brett and Seamus are here.
- Normally, you'd be right, Martin,
but we have a visitor coming,
and I'm relying on you
all to help me in this.
We need a team effort.
- This is one team I'd
rather not be a part of.
- So who do you reckon's coming?
- It must be someone important.
- Yeah, it better be.
(light music)
- Hey, Wayne, will you help
me blow up these balloons?
- Yeah, sure.
Anything for my baby sister.
(balloons popping)
- Stop it!
Stop it!
What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
I'm blowin' up the balloons. (laughs)
Wayne Payne, you are a true comic genius.
- Wayne, you're a true pain.
So what's happening, Meredith?
- [Meredith] You want to
hear my poem so far, Brett?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- The day was so cloudy and blue
when Jackie and Craig said I do.
A wedding full of bliss
I'm glad I didn't miss.
- That's great, Meredith.
- Are you just saying that,
or do you really mean it?
- No, no, no, no, no, Jackie'll love it.
- [Meredith] You gonna
start cooking dinner now?
- I'm just gonna dash over to Hannah's,
see if she'll give me a hand.
- That's cheating!
- No, that's sensible.
(upbeat music)
- Maybe it's a rich person who wants
to donate money to O'Keefe's.
- I think it's one of
the school governors.
- [Girl] Do you think so?
- No way.
They're visiting all the time.
We never have to do this.
- You finished here, girls?
- Almost, Miss Murphy.
- Almost, Miss Murphy.
- Well done.
We should check these corridors for damp.
It's about time they were inspected again.
(tense music)
Did you see that?
- I most certainly did.
(door creaks)
Must be something faulty
with this light switch.
- Is it dangerous?
- It won't be after I fix it.
- [Miss Murphy] It's
absolutely vital the school
looks in good shape.
- A million euros is
an awful lot of money.
I wouldn't've thought the
school was worth that.
- [Miss Murphy] At least that.
It's a very large property.
- [Seamus] So that
includes the land and all?
- Everything, buildings,
grounds, the whole lot.
- It's just outrageous.
We should write a letter to the minister
of education about this.
- What good would that do?
- You're right.
Better if we visit them
in person, a group of us.
I do the talking, of course.
- And what would you say?
- It's not what you say,
Hannah, it's how you say it.
- And how do you know how to say something
if you don't know what it
is you really wanna say?
- Honestly, Hannah,
you can be so negative.
You should watch it, you know,
you're getting a reputation.
(window rattles)
I am so sick of these junior boys
trying to get my attention.
- Oh, hi, Tara.
How are ya?
- It's for you.
- Me?
- The lunatic from down under.
- [Hannah] Brett!
- Hannah, I need to see you.
- Well, is it important?
- Of course it's important.
Do you think I'd be doing this
if it wasn't important?
- (sighs) All right, I'm coming.
(gentle music)
This had better be good.
- They're selling it.
- What?
- The school.
Miss Murphy's selling the school.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- No, it's true.
I just heard her tell Seamus.
- The portal.
Brett, they can't sell the school!
- Sell it?
Did you say they're selling the school?
I've got some disturbing news.
They're selling the school.
- Cool.
We get a long holiday.
- Uh, duh.
Do you really think they're
just gonna let us off school?
No.
They're just gonna send
us to some terrible
place with an even
worse uniform than here.
- What if they don't
have a good science lab?
- What if they ban nail polish?
- It's easy.
I'll get father to buy it.
- Wow, would your dad
really be able to afford?
- Cormac, Martin's father is one
of the richest men in Ireland.
- My family would have to
run the place, of course.
- And you could be head boy,
and I'd be head girl.
- I think I prefer the school to be sold.
- Okay, some changes are
- If it wasn't for the portal,
I'd probably agree.
- Going to have to be made.
Uniforms.
- I just don't understand
why Miss Murphy's selling.
O'Keefe's is her whole life.
- [Tara] Decent hairstyles.
(watch beeping)
- Oh no.
Look, I've gotta go.
Get thinking up.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Where are you going?
- I've gotta go cook.
Excuse me.
- What?
- This year's.
Ugh.
I'm thinking this year's green is good.
- Cormac, could I borrow that big brain
of yours for a sec?
(upbeat music)
- All right, preheat oven to 200 degrees
and roast for two hours.
Easy.
Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Jackie always roasts potatoes
and veggies with the chicken.
- I know, Meredith, I know.
- Aren't you gonna peel the potatoes?
- [Brett] Nope.
- You could at least wash the dirt off.
- No, it adds a bit of color.
All right.
Now the gravy.
- That's not how Jackie does it.
- Well, it'll be an even
bigger surprise then, won't it?
Hey, Wayne, when are you
gonna start your dessert?
- Totally under control.
Just worry about your job, mate.
- Gravy's supposed to be hot.
- I know, and it will be
after I bug it in the microwave.
(light music)
Chicken tastes better
without gravy anyway.
- So what would put you
off wanting to buy a house?
- I don't want to buy a house.
- I know that, Cormac.
But if you did, what would put you off?
- [Cormac] That's tricky.
- Anything at all, let your mind roam.
There's no right or wrongs here.
- I guess if it didn't have cable TV.
- That's ludicrous.
That's not a good reason
not to buy a house.
- You, you just said--
- What I meant was how do we put people
off buying O'Keefe's?
- Oh, right, right.
Right, O'Keefe's.
Okay, um, what if we
put out a press release
saying that the school was haunted?
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I could make a hologram.
- Cormac.
- That'd be easy.
All I would need would be
some fiber optic cable,
- Cormac.
- a laser.
- Ghosts only come out at night.
We need something that will
put people off during the day.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- There must be some way.
(tense music)
(Seamus screams)
- Seamus, you all right?
- Wh-what the blazes?
Where did you come from?
- [Brett] I, I was just um--
- Did you see that flash?
- Are you sure you're okay?
You don't want me to call a doctor?
- No, no, I'm fine.
Nothing's the matter with me.
Something definitely wrong
with that wiring, though.
I'll have to investigate that one.
And while I'm doing it,
here's your work for today.
- I can't do all this on my own.
- You'll have to, laddie, and you'll have
to get started straight away.
- Sweep steps before Cold Cream arrives.
- Colm Creamer.
- What's that?
- Not what, who.
He's a bigshot from Dublin,
and he's comin' to look around
the school at lunchtime.
- Why?
- What is this, the
Australian inquisition?
On your way and get crackin' on that list.
- So that's the best we can come up with?
Release a swarm of rats?
- I'm havin' doubts about
that one now, Hannah.
- I think we're doomed, Cormac.
(door opens)
- Listen, I just found out something.
- Can't you ever just enter the room
like a normal person?
- Seamus just told me the
buyer's coming at lunchtime.
- But that's only an hour away.
- So here's a thought,
if it's so important
to clean the school up
to impress this guy,
why don't you just do the opposite?
- Trash the place?
- Yeah, yeah, it might put him off.
- Yeah, well look, it'd take more
than just a bit of a mess
if this guy's a serious buyer.
He'd have to see all the structural
defects of the building.
- Like what?
- Well, I don't know.
I'm not a builder, but I'm sure there's
books around here that'll tell us.
- Come on, Cormac, Miss Murphy is not
going to show him all
the bad things, is she?
- No, so we'll just have to make sure
she's not the one showing him around.
- How?
- Well, we'll distract her.
- What about Seamus?
- Seamus?
He's distracted most of the time anyways.
- Okay, so who's going to show him around?
(gentle music)
Oh no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, not me, no.
- But you're the caretaker's assistant.
That's the perfect qualification.
- Yeah, but I know
nothing about buildings!
- It's amazing what you can
learn in an hour, you know.
- I'll go get the distractions organized.
- Miss Murphy, is it?
I'm afraid Mr. Creamer's
had a problem with his car,
so he'll be arriving by train shortly.
Could you arrange for someone to pick
him up at the station, please?
- Can't he get a cab?
- Um, Mr. Creamer's very
nervous about taxis.
He hoped you could pick him
up personally, Miss Murphy.
- Well, (sighs) I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you.
I know we can count on you.
Goodbye.
(upbeat music)
- Okay, Brett, okay.
The signs of damp.
- Mold, peeling wallpaper
and condensation.
- Good, good.
Okay, the three Ws.
- The three Ws?
- Come on, Brett.
- Um.
Remind me.
- Wood warped, walls yellow, wet smells.
- Oh yeah, those three Ws.
- Okay, the signs of bad plumbing.
- Leaking water, and--
(watch beeps)
Oh, no, I have to go check on the dinner.
- Dinner?
- Um, lunch.
I'm helping Cook with lunch.
Thanks, Cormac.
I think I'm on top of it.
(gentle music)
I don't understand!
I did exactly what the book said!
- Did you turn the oven on?
- Of course I turned the oven on.
- You big dope.
- Hey, hey, it must've been Wayne.
He came in here after I left,
and he turned it off.
Anyway, that doesn't matter.
- But Jackie and Dad will be back soon.
- All it takes is simple maths.
If it takes two hours
to roast at 200 degrees,
if we turn this baby up to 400 degrees,
it'll be done in--
- An hour!
- Exactly!
See, plenty of time.
(tense music)
- Hello?
- [Brett] Mr. Creamer?
- That's right.
- You're early.
I'm Brett Miller.
Miss Murphy got held up,
so I've been told to show you around.
- But, you're just a student.
- Actually, I'm the assistant caretaker
and associate maintenance supervisor.
- Oh.
All right, let's get to it then.
- Right this way.
Well, here we are in the cellar,
and this is where we find the three Ws,
walls yellow, wet smells and
(light music)
Well, well, that looks like mold to me.
- You know your stuff, Brett.
- Uh, I do my best.
Now, over here, we have the three Ns.
- Psst, psst.
Hey, hey, psst.
- Brett.
- Now, I'm no roof guy, but I reckon
anyone who was actually thinkin'
of buying this dump would
have a lotta work to do.
- Brett!
Brett!
Miss Murphy!
- Good.
Now, can you show me
the classrooms, please?
- Uh, what about checking out the grounds?
Our football pitch is really something.
Right, classrooms it is.
(tense music)
- Miss Murphy.
Thank goodness you're here.
Um, there was a man looking
for you, a Mr. Creamer?
Brett's just showing him around.
- Brett?
- Um, they went this way.
- Thank you, Hannah.
- Oh no, um
(tense music)
I couldn't stop her.
She's in the building.
- Doesn't matter.
This isn't working anyway.
I've shown him all the worst parts
of the school, and he's
even more interested
than he was before.
- You're joking.
- No!
I even showed him that girl Gronia's room,
you know the one that
collects the insects?
Not even that put him off.
(footsteps approaching)
- Thank you, Brett.
I'll take it from here.
You must be Mr. Creamer.
- Miss Murphy.
Um, there's been a bit
of a mix-up, apparently.
- Apparently, but, as I'm here now,
I'll show you around.
- Uh!
What are we gonna do?
(watch beeps)
- I've got to get home.
- Brett.
- Sorry, I'll be back as soon as I can.
- It's the third door on the left.
- Thank you.
- I'll meet you in my office.
- I suppose we'll have to start
looking for a new school.
- I hope not.
- Isn't Mr. Creamer buying it then?
- Buy it?
Mr. Creamer's an insurance surveyor.
It's time to renew our policy.
(light music)
- So that's why we did all that cleaning?
- Yes.
If the school looks well cared for,
it could save us money.
- So you're not selling up?
- Selling up?
What on earth gave you that idea?
- Possibly the stupidest
person I ever met.
- [Brett] Please, no!
(smoke alarm beeping)
It's ruined!
- Maybe it's just burned on the outside.
Yuck!
It's raw!
We can't eat that!
- We're going to have to.
Just scrape off the black bits.
- (laughs) How's dinner going, Brett?
- It's going fine!
- It doesn't look too fine.
- You just stick to your desserts, okay?
- No problems.
I'm just goin' down to
the shops to buy it now.
- [Brett] Keep scraping, Meredith.
I've got to go.
(upbeat music)
- Look you, stop that!
You'll be fired for vandalism!
What are you doing?
- I'm gonna flood the place.
It'll put Creamer off.
- No, it's okay.
The school isn't for sale.
- What?
- Creamer's an insurance man.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- Great.
Great, how are we gonna explain this one?
(footsteps approaching)
I'll have to admit
that I came through the portal
and I made a mistake, and--
Mm.
(throat clears)
(rock music)
- I don't know what came
over me, Miss Murphy.
- I don't know what came over her.
I was standing there
minding my own business,
and she plants one on me.
- With no encouragement
from you whatsoever?
- Absolutely not.
He had nothing to do with it at all.
- I find that hard to believe.
- It's the truth.
- Had better be, young man.
Miss Murphy takes a dim view of those
who take advantage of a position of trust.
- As for your punishment,
I see that despite
everyone's efforts, the school
is looking filthy again.
- Clean-up duty?
- Double clean-up duty.
You may go.
- Thank you, miss.
(gentle guitar music)
- And Hannah?
- [Hannah] Yes, miss?
- Don't be in too much
of a rush to grow up.
You have all the time in the world
to be kissing boys.
Seamus?
- [Seamus] Miss Murphy.
- You'll be glad to know that Mr. Creamer
has provisionally approved insurance cover
provided that these jobs get done.
- Is the man barkin' mad?
Does he realize how long it'll take
to fix all this?
- Apparently so.
He was very grateful to Brett
for pointing out the problems to him.
- Ooh, right.
Then I think this belongs to you.
- Thank you for being so helpful, Brett.
(bell rings)
Ah, lunchtime.
Let's hope Cook has
prepared something tasty.
- It's her famous Irish stew, again.
- Really?
Delicious.
And I've just remembered
I've got some work to do.
Maybe just a sandwich at my desk.
(gentle music)
- Oh, hi.
Cleaning?
- Yeah.
- Right.
Well, I better get going.
- Right.
- Hannah, about that kiss--
- Don't.
Don't ever mention it again.
- Right, okay then.
See ya.
Hi, Agnes.
You got any lunch left?
- Tons.
Everyone's appetite's off today.
Don't know why.
- I heard it was delicious.
- You did?
- Yeah, do you mind if I take some home?
- Just help yourself to whatever you want.
- Thanks very much, cheers.
(gentle music)
- Oh, this is all so special.
The table looks absolutely lovely.
- Well, there would've been balloons.
- (laughs) You asked me to blow them up.
I only did what you asked.
- Never mind.
I'm thrilled you've
gone to so much trouble.
- And I've written a poem to celebrate.
- Oh, how sweet.
- (throat clears) Happy
Marriage by Meredith Payne.
A dress, a cake, two rings,
two hearts beat when the choir sings.
Doves coo when they hear I do.
The party ends, goodbye from friends.
The sun sets you were picked
The moon is married to the stars,
everyone departs in cars.
The end.
- Thank you, darling.
That was lovely.
- That was fantastic, sweetheart.
- [Brett] Your anniversary
dinner is served.
- What happened to the roast chicken?
- Yeah, what happened
to the chicken, Brett?
- I, uh, changed my mind.
Come on, dig in while it's still hot.
- Mm, Irish stew.
Very brave, Brett.
Where did you get the recipe?
- From Hannah.
- Oh, this is the most disgusting thing
I've ever tasted.
- Wayne, be fair.
Ugh, has this got celery in it?
- I think so.
- Sorry, mate, I'm allergic to celery.
Better not eat any more.
- Yuck, this is horrible.
- Oh, come on, guys.
It can't be that bad.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Foul, you're right.
Oh, sorry.
- Oh well, at least I got dessert.
Here you go.
This stuff is ace.
- Ugh.
- Who's for takeaway?
- Great.
- Sounds good to me.
- Yeah.
Next time you guys have
an anniversary dinner,
can I just wash the dishes?
(parents laugh)
(upbeat music)
(electronic music)