Friends s01e13 Episode Script

-I'm sorry! -That is it! You barge in here and you don't knock? You have no respect for privacy.
No, you wait! -Can I just say one thing? -What?! That's a relatively open weave.
I can still see your nippular areas.
The One With The Boobies Honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are other things.
When the phone rings and she takes a shower.
That's pretty much it.
-But you tell it really well, sweetie.
-Thanks.
Okay.
Now go away so we can talk about you.
Okay.
I'll miss you.
-lsn't he great? -He's cute.
He likes you so much.
I know.
He's so sweet.
And so complicated, you know? And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky.
Think you'll do it on his couch? I don't know.
That's a little weird.
It's vinyl.
Okay, you guys want anything else? -Could I have? -We're all out.
Anybody else? Did I miss something? No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
What were you doing seeing her boobies? It was an accident.
I wasn't across the street with a telescope.
Can we change the subject, please? These aren't her "boobies.
" These are her breasts.
Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
I always liked "Bazoombas.
" Gives them a Latin spin.
Can we drop this already, please? Why are you embarrassed? They were very nice boobies.
"Nice"? They were "nice"? That's it? I mean, mittens are "nice.
" Okay.
Rock, hard place.
Me.
You're so funny! He's really funny.
I wouldn't wanna be there when the laughter stops.
Whoa, back up there, sparky.
What did you mean by that? It seems that maybe you have intimacy issues that you use your humor to keep people at a distance.
I mean, I just met you.
I don't know you from Adam.
Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
-How did you know that? -It's textbook.
Hey, you guys.
You all know my dad, right? -How long are you in the city? -Two days.
I got a job.
I'm better off staying with Joey than going back and forth on the ferry.
-I don't know this one.
-This is my friend Roger.
-Good to meet you.
-You too.
-What happened to the puppet guy? -Dad.
Oh, excuse me.
So, Ross, how's the wife? Chandler, say something funny.
I gotta go.
Miss you too.
-I love you, but it's getting late -Say hi.
Hey, Ma.
I made the appointment with Dr.
Bassida and Excuse me? Did you know this isn't Ma? Her name's Ronni.
She's a pet mortician.
Sure.
So, how long you been? Remember when you were a kid, I'd take you to the navy yard? -Since then? -No, it's only been six years.
I wanted you to think of a nice memory so you'd know I'm not a terrible guy.
-What are you doing? -Chopping garlic.
You don't crush it? You're having an affair, I chop garlic.
It's a wacky world.
Joe, you ever been in love? -I don't know.
-Then you haven't.
-You're burning tomatoes.
-You're one to talk.
Your dad's in love.
The worst part is, it's with two different women.
Oh, man! Please tell me one of them is Ma.
Of course one of them's Ma.
What's the matter with you? It's like if you woke up and found out your dad leads this double life.
He's like actually some spy working for the ClA.
That'd be cool.
This blows! Do you think Dad cheated? I don't think so.
That would involve sex.
I'd like to think that our parents don't do that.
I know.
Why can't parents just stay parents? Why do they have to become people? Why do they have? Why can't you stop staring at my breasts? What? What? Didn't you get a good enough look? We're all adults here.
There's only one way to resolve this.
Since you saw her boobies you have to show her your pee-pee.
You know, I don't see that happening.
Come on.
He's right.
Tit for tat.
Well, I'm not showing you my tat! -It's Phoebe.
-And Rog! Come on up.
Oh, good! Rog is here.
-What's the matter with Rog? -It's a little thing.
I hate that guy! So he was a little analytical.
That's what he does.
Come on, he's not that bad.
You're wrong! Why would I marry her if I thought that she was a lesbian? I don't know.
Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.
Why? Why would l? Why? I don't know.
Maybe low self-esteem? Maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling.
Maybe Wait! Go back to that "sibling" thing.
Well, I don't know.
You could've sabotaged your marriage so the sibling would feel like less of a failure.
That's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures.
-You think I'm a failure? -lsn't he good? Yeah.
No, that's not what I was saying.
I thought you were on my side.
But maybe you sucked up to them so they'd favor you.
I married a lesbian to make you look good! You're right.
I mean, you're right.
It wasn't just the Weebles, but the Weeble Play Palace and the Weeble's Cruise Ship with this lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.
And Mom just gave them all away.
That's tough, tough stuff.
Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta go.
-Feel better.
-We're gonna be late, sweetie.
-Thanks for everything, Mon.
-No problem.
Listen, it was great seeing you again.
Mon, easy on those cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love.
I hate that guy! Good night, you guys.
Oh, look.
It's the woman we ordered.
Hey, can we help you? No, thanks.
I'm just waiting for Joey Tribbiani.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Oh, no, not you.
Big Joey.
Oh, my God! You're so much cuter than your pictures.
I'm Ronni.
Cheese Nip? Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a nip.
Most people, when their pets pass on want them like they're sleeping.
Occasionally you get a person who wants them in a pose.
Like chasing their tail.
Or jumping to catch a Frisbee.
Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.
-That's a good one! -Hey.
Hey, Dad.
Ronni's here.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Hello, babe! What are you doing here? Oh, you left your hair at my place.
I thought you'd need it tomorrow.
Thank you.
So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk? Look, I shouldn't have come.
I better go.
I'll miss the train.
-I don't want you taking that thing.
-Where do I stay? Here? We'll go to a hotel.
We'll go to a hotel.
-No, you won't.
-No, we won't.
If you go to a hotel, you'll be doing stuff.
I want you here so I can keep an eye on you.
-You're gonna keep an eye on us? -Right.
As long as you are under my roof you're gonna live by my rules.
That means no sleeping with your girlfriend.
Wow, he's strict.
Dad, you'll be in my room.
You can stay in Chandler's room.
And Chandler will be? Out here with me, bunking up.
Oh, bunking up.
If you smell s'mores, don't be alarmed.
Thanks.
You're a good kid.
I'll show you to my room.
That sounds weird not followed by, "No, it's late.
" This is just for tonight.
Tomorrow you gotta change.
Change? -Break up with Ronni -I can't! Then come clean with Ma! This is not right! I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room! Hey, kickie! -What are you doing? -Getting comfortable.
-I can't sleep in my underwear.
-Well, you're gonna.
I was thinking about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls.
Are they end-to-end, or tall, like pancakes? You know, how I date all these women.
I always figured, when the right one comes along I'll be able to go the distance.
Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking You're not him, you're you.
When they wanted you in your father's business, did you cave? -No.
-No.
You chose the out-of-work-actor business.
That wasn't easy, but you did it.
I believe when the right woman comes along you'll have the guts to say, "No, thanks, I'm married.
" -You really think so? -Yeah, I really do.
-Thanks, Chandler.
-Get off! -Hi.
-Hi.
May I help you? Joey said I could use your shower since Chandler's in ours.
Okay.
Who are you? Oh, I'm Ronni.
Ronni Rapalono.
The mistress? -Come on in.
-Thanks.
I'm Rachel.
Bathroom's there.
Ronni, how long has Chandler been in the shower? Oh, like five minutes.
Perfect.
Fasten your seat belts, it's pee-pee time.
-Hey, Mr.
Trib.
-Hey, good morning, dear.
Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing.
-What's with you? -I thought it was Chandler! You were supposed to be in there so I'd see your thing! Sorry, my thing was in there with me.
-How's it going? -Good.
Roger's having a dinner thing.
He wanted me to invite you guys.
-So, what's going on? -Nothing.
It's just.
It's Roger, you know? There's something about We just feel that he's.
-We hate that guy! -We hate him! -We're sorry, Pheebs.
-Okay.
Don't you think it's just that he's so perceptive it freaked you out? No, we hate him! I'm sorry.
-Ma! What are you doing here? -I came to give you this and this! Big ring! Why'd you fill your father's head with garbage about making things right? Things were fine this way! There's chicken in there.
Put it away.
For God's sake, Joey! Really.
-Hold on.
You knew? -Of course I knew.
What do you think? Your father is no James Bond.
You should've heard his stories.
"I'm sleeping over at my accountant's.
" -What is that? Please! -So then, how could you? Do you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling.
Nothing made him happy.
Not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle.
Now he's happy.
I mean, it's nice.
He has a hobby.
Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful but what the hell are you talking about? -I mean, what about you? -Me? I'm fine.
Look, honey, in an ideal world there'd be no her and your father would look like Sting.
And something else: Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along he's so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive.
He's been more loving.
It's like every day is our anniversary.
-I'm happy for you? -Well, don't be! Now everything's screwed up.
I just want it the way it was.
Ma, I'm sorry.
I just did what I thought you'd want.
I know you did, cookie.
I know you did.
So tell me.
Did you see her? Yeah.
-You're 10 times prettier than she is.
-That's sweet.
Could I take her? With this ring, no contest.
Oh, no! Don't ever do that! -What? -I'm sorry.
I have a thing, which means you can't ever do that! -What's wrong, sweetie? -Nothing.
-No, what's wrong? Come on.
-Okay.
It's nothing.
I'm fine.
It's just It's my friends.
They have a liking problem with you in that they don't.
They don't? But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see.
They don't see all the good and sweet stuff.
-They think you're a little -What? Intense and creepy.
-Oh.
-But I don't.
Me, Phoebe.
-I'm not at all surprised about that.
-That's why you're so great.
It's quite typical behavior when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic.
You know, this kind of codependent, emotionally stunted sitting in your stupid coffeehouse, with your stupid big cups which might as well have nipples on them.
And you're all like, "Oh, define me! Define me! Love me! I need love! You talked to your dad? He's gonna keep cheating on Ma like she wanted.
Ma will keep pretending she doesn't know.
And my sister, Tina, can't see her husband.
He got a restraining order.
Which has nothing to do with it.
I found out today.
Things have changed here on Waltons'mountain.
-So, Joey, are you okay? -Yeah, I guess.
It's just You know, they're parents.
After a certain point, you gotta let go.
You gotta let them make their own mistakes.
And think, in a few years, we'll turn into them.
Oh, please.
If I turn into my parents, I'll be an alcoholic blond chasing men or I'll end up like my mom! -Hey.
-Hey, Pheebs.
How's it going? Okay, except I broke up with Roger.
-Yeah, right.
-No, no, really.
-What happened? -I don't know.
I mean he's a good person, and he can be really sweet.
In some ways, I think he is so right for me.
It's just.
I hate that guy! Hi, Joey.
What's going on? Clear the tracks for the boobie payback.
Next stop, Rachel Greene.
Joey, what the hell were you doing? Sorry, wrong boobies! Hello, Joey! Hello, dear!