Friends with Benefits s01e13 Episode Script

1 - Good hustle.
- Yeah.
- Whoo! - Whoo! All right, so I'm at dinner with this girl, okay, and we're deciding what to get, and she asks me if I like fettuccini Alfredo.
- You hate fettuccini Alfredo.
- Of course I do.
It's like macaroni and cheese's rich, snobby cousin.
Well, I met this hot public defender playing tennis.
I'm a doctor; He's a lawyer.
- I'm just saying, sounds fancy.
- No.
See, I don't trust tennis people.
What's with all the grunting? Okay, you almost done with your hilarious tennis stand-up? I'm done.
So, we start flirting So, what really happens during a sidebar? Do you talk about legal issues, or do you vote on who's the cutest juror? Actually, we, uh, say the word "bailiff" over and over again until we all start to giggle.
Oh, uh, Sara, this is my doubles partner, Tasi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was just about to ask Sara to dinner tomorrow night.
Oh.
Sara would love to.
Perfect.
Actually, if you have a friend for Tasi, we could double.
Can I be the friend for hot Tasi? I was thinking that, but then I remembered that you don't like tennis people.
No, I think tennis people are great.
Sometimes I just say things that Well, wouldn't it be weird if we went on a double date? - Why? - Uh, because - Lucas and Tasi don't know about this.
- Sara, they don't need to know everything about us right off the bat.
Do they need to know about my trick ankle? Do they need to know about your shoplifting? - It's just candy, and it's not every day.
- Right.
Anyway, we're not just about this, you know.
We're friends, too.
Well friends go on double dates.
- Yeah.
- I'll set it up.
Yes! How about one for the road in case these tennis bastards don't put out? Huh? I'm making sheet angels! Man, I hope I like this guy.
Come on Yes! Ha-ha! Hey-yo! Isn't it gonna be a little awkward with you guys going on a double date? Why would that be awkward? Because because Ben and Sara are both - Capricorns.
- No, they're not.
- She's a Gemini; He's a classic Aquarius.
- Yeah.
Oh, by the way, Ben, disturbing news may arrive from an unexpected source today.
Okay, I will prepare myself for that.
Thank you.
Hey, we should go.
- Yeah.
- And I need you guys for a sec.
I have to give Ben some disturbing news.
From me— that's unexpected, right? Hey, guys, sorry that I forgot Fitz didn't know you were hooking up.
- Yeah.
- Why doesn't Fitz know that you guys are hooking up? We waited too long to tell him, you know? So if we tell him now, he'll think it's like like a thing.
- Which it so isn't.
- Yeah.
So to not make a big deal out of this, you're making a big deal out of keeping one of your best friends in the dark.
- Yeah.
- Exactly.
Well, thank you for dragging me into your drama.
'Cause this is very pleasant for me.
- Yeah, no problem.
'Kay.
- You're welcome.
Hey, Ri, can I get a daiquiri? Ordering daiquiris not only creates a ton of work for me, it makes you seem very, very feminine.
- Wow, harsh.
- Wait, maybe I'm not doing it right.
Okay, let me explain.
Last night I went to a gallery with Clay, this guy I'm seeing.
We were having a great time, and then Hi.
I'm Packard, the artist.
Oh, cool photos.
Let me tell you my process.
First, I listen to the soundtrack of The Graduate, and then I write down all the feelings that I feel Boring.
Bored.
I'm bored.
- Bored.
He said that? - I know.
But then he explained.
Our society is built on lies.
Question: What would happen if we all said exactly what we were thinking when we were thinking it? Answer: We'd make deeper connections with each other.
Summation: That's how I live.
I call it "Full Disclosure.
" That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
That's what I thought.
Then I tried it.
Bored.
Less bored.
Least bored I've ever been! - I got to meet this man.
- Well, Clay and I are going to a movie after my shift.
You guys can meet him then.
The man behind the method.
You guys, lies are very important to our society, okay? - Since the dawn of time - Bored.
Bored.
So, you went to med school right out of college? Yeah.
But I'm not career-obsessed or anything.
I did travel that summer, to my aunt's house in New Jersey.
I had a curfew, but I snuck out once.
Smoked a menthol under the boardwalk.
Whatever.
Ooh.
The point is, I like to party.
Drinking! Drinking! Drinking.
Yeah! Hey, you guys, watch this.
This is an imitation of me when I'm not on a date.
Oh, my goodness.
Awesome! - Oh, my God! - Awesome! - Yeah! - Wow.
That was too funny.
That was too funny.
- Oh, thank you.
- Nice! Looks like we need more drinks.
- Yes! - Next round's on us.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Be right back.
- Thanks, guys.
Am I crazy, or are we knocking this date out of the park? Tasi loves you.
Uh, Lucas loves you.
We're like the detectives from SVU, but instead of solving sex crimes, we have delightful dinners with people.
Correction: People have delightful dinners with us.
Oh! Yeah! Full disclosure— That movie was kind of No, you don't say "full disclosure," you just say what you think.
Oh.
Well, that movie was not my favorite cup of tea.
Your adding the word "favorite" to the expression "cup of tea" makes you momentarily ridiculous.
Zing! Clay got me.
Hey, I love this guy.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Not to pee, just to look at myself.
I thought that movie sucked.
You can't have a crappy plot and then just throw Don Cheadle at the problem.
- Bored.
- Man, you have bored'd me about ten times today! Okay? I think you have attention deficit hyperactivity Bored listening to you say each word of a well-known acronym.
You know what, Clay? You ought to write a book on full disclosure.
I train one of the higher-ups at Harper Collins.
I could pass it along for you, man.
I'm bemused and offended that a gym trainer whose name rhymes with "spritz" thinks he can help me with my life's work.
Proud of my appearance.
Leaving in a huff.
Going with you.
I'm a little tipsy.
I'm gonna get myself out of here.
I will walk you out.
- I had a really great time tonight.
- I had a great time tonight.
- Night's not over yet.
- I'm glad.
All right, so what do you guys want to do now? Sara Maxwell, hey.
Bit of a party foul earlier, but whatever.
Call me.
Ben.
Out.
Smax, hey.
Just saw a clip of elephants playing soccer.
Call me when your date's over so we can discuss, all right? Interesting it went to voice mail after one and a half rings.
So either you're on the phone with someone else, or you red-buttoned me— Either way, not loving it.
You talking to me? Are you talking to me? You're telling me that our dates are going equally as well, and you hook up with yours and I don't? To me? Go away.
I'm mad at you.
I know— I listened to your messages.
I brought you a peace coffee.
I put in lots of chocolate so it gets all clumpy like you like it.
I don't want your stupid coffee.
What's wrong with you? I thought the whole point of this was that we could see other people.
And now you're jealous? What? I'm not jealous, crazy.
Hey, we're also friends.
What you did last night was bad friend etiquette.
What? There's a bro-ho hierarchy, and you've prioritized the ho over the bro.
Are you calling me a ho? No, no, no.
In this scenario, Lucas would be the ho and you'd be the bro.
I'm a bro? I love that.
- I bet I'm the prettiest bro.
- Aw, get over yourself— you've been a terrible bro so far.
You know what? When my date fell apart last night, you should've pulled out of yours.
Wait.
I am supposed to bail on a potentially awesome guy because you had no game.
Hey, I'm not happy about it either, but that's the way it works.
- And that's what bro's do? - That's what bro's do.
Wow.
Well, if that's the case, I feel terrible.
Well, that's because your conscience is telling you that you've been horrible.
You know what? I was supposed to go out with Lucas tonight, but I'm rain-checking that ho and I'm hanging with my bro.
Come over.
I'll be on my best bro-havior.
Okay.
Rough pun, but thank you.
It's all good, bro.
Should we chest-bump now? I see no reason why not.
Ow! Yeah.
Ow! - Damn.
- That's why not.
Man, that Clay is a tool.
What does she see in him? Trying to understand why women do certain things is like trying to understand why certain powders turn into Jell-O when you add hot water.
It's better left a delicious mystery.
It's 'cause the hot water separates the molecules Aaron, I said it's better left a delicious mystery.
She deserves to be with somebody great.
Oh! Somebody like you? I have come to terms with the fact that Riley and I are not meant to be.
Just because we shared one night of fiery yet tender, carefree but meaningful, reckless yet protected Hey, hey, I get it.
Could we just tell her that he's awful? No, we can't tell her that he's bad news, man.
If we do that, it'll only make her like him more.
It's too bad Clay doesn't full-disclosure Riley the way he full-disclosures everybody else.
Man, she'd kick him to the curb in no time.
That's it.
We got to get him to insult her.
Okay, what is Riley bad at? Huh.
: I was so high, I did not recognize The fire burning in her eyes The chaos Maybe somebody else wants to sing.
Why? You're killing it.
Come on.
You're awesome.
Go again, go again.
That is fool-proof! We'll get Riley to sing, Clay will Simon Cowell her ass, and that'll be the end of him! Aah! God! Her heart is breaking In front of me And I have no choice 'Cause I won't say good-bye anymore.
Whoo! Yeah! So, Clay, what do you think about your girl's vocals? Wasn't listening.
Too busy thinking about having sex with her.
Oh, baby Mmm Mmm We're gonna go have sex before my shift.
Thanks for having us.
It was medium fun.
Bye.
I've forgotten your names.
Your shirt makes me want to kill myself.
Sorry.
Hey, I guess I should have called.
Um, got invited to a party.
Invited by who? Yeah, funny story.
Um, remember you rain-checking Lucas so we could hang? Well Ben, if you're with Tasi - No, I Yeah.
- Thank you, Ben.
You are with Tasi! What happened to all your stupid bro crap?! We're talking about different rules here, okay? You left me hanging on a double date, but I flaked on a casual hang-out.
You know? It doesn't have the same weight.
It's very nuanced.
"Nuanced," my ass.
You're just making up different rules for each situation.
I remember when I was first learning.
It's very frustrating.
I get it.
Okay, I have only been a bro for, like, one day, but I'm pretty sure that you're full of crap.
So, you know what? You know what? You can bro to hell! Okay, I think we should use subtle reverse psychology to You need to break up with Clay.
Why? I like him.
He's a radical thinker.
He's a radical douche.
And I guarantee you, he's not telling you everything that he thinks.
Mm-mm.
If he used his philosophy to insult you the way he does us I would be fine with it, because I'm fine with who I am.
Oh, please, Riley.
Come on.
If I told you the truth, you would crumble like that cake from that place I like.
That place on You don't know it! Okay.
There's one way to settle this.
I challenge you to a truth-off.
Or Riley breaks up with Clay, and we all go back to a normal, good, regular life.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's a "truth off"? We drop truth bombs on each other until one person can't take any more brutal honesty and surrenders.
Aaron can mediate.
No, no, I'm not gonna mediate.
I mediated when my parents would fight, and now I pee sitting down.
Really? That was the best episode of Nurse Jackie I have ever seen.
This show is so good.
I'm going to go freshen up.
Okay.
Ooh What You know, I'm not feeling so good.
I think I may take off.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
I'll text ya.
Go away.
I hate you.
I know.
I know.
But we can't fight right now.
We got bigger fish to fry.
What could be bigger fish than your selfish fish fish? Was that the right number of fishes? You, uh, you a little drunk? No.
The cork in my stomach is absorbing it.
I just found out Lucas and Tasi are hooking up.
I don't want to hear your lame ex - What? - Yeah.
They're friends and they're sleeping together, and then they go out with other people just to mock them.
- That is disgusting.
- I know.
Check it out.
I took a picture of Tasi's phone.
Let me see that.
Yeah.
Haven't heard from gyno wino.
Well, at least I won't have to listen to her long-winded stories.
Uh, her d-bag buddy's no picnic either.
Could you believe the way he ate off everyone's plate like a London hobo? We should totally double date again just to get ammo for post-bang LOLs.
They don't like my stories? And they didn't like my devil-may-care eating style? Look, now, I know you're mad, but we got to put that aside, okay? It's like when aliens attack, then suddenly America's friends with the Russians.
When were we not friends with the Russians? I don't know.
My dad always goes on about that.
All right, you're not off the hook.
- Mm-mmm.
- But you're right.
- This is bigger fish.
- Yeah.
We need to date these guys, delight them - Ooh.
- And then dump them.
These hos messed with the wrong bros.
I love it.
Did you at least like my banner? Yeah.
I like it, with the little little beer cup and little ball.
It's cool.
Okay.
Round one.
Fitz, drop your truth bomb.
Riley, you know how you wear that shirt with the big armholes, and you always ask us, "Guys, can you see my nipples?" and we say, "No"? Yeah? We can see your nipples.
I knew that.
Okay.
Good.
Great.
Riley, drop your t-bomb.
Okay.
Sometimes I go to the gym on Wednesdays because Grant teaches a better kickboxing class than you.
Grant just has a different style from me.
Grant is better.
Wow, guys.
This is fun.
Okay, who wants to play Scrabble? - Keep mediating.
- Keep mediating.
Fine, but I'm gonna go get my special blanket.
Can we do this? Can we hook them? Oh, they're like putty in our hands.
Now remember, short stories with a point, and a nice, clean ending.
And you, when the food comes, you're not in the cast of Oliver.
- Right.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And then I delivered the baby.
The end.
- Wow.
That's a really good story.
- Thank you.
Oh, hey, Ben, do you want to try some of my hummus? You know what? You ordered it.
You enjoy it.
Truth bomb.
Riley, you can't sing, and everybody knows it.
Okay, truth bomb.
Both your moms have hit on me.
Unsuccessfully.
Your moms have no game.
Enough! Okay.
Riley, enough.
Don't you get it? If everybody went around, saying everything that they wanted to all the time, then everyone normal would be crying all the time.
Don't you think that I have things that I want to say, but I don't? Of course I do! Sometimes I wish you guys were all just a-a little bit smarter.
And sometimes I want to ask Ben and Sara questions about all the sex that they're having, but I don't do that! Because I have discretion! What did you just say about Ben and Sara? I-I said, I want to ask Ben and Sara questions about what it's like to be Capricorns.
Wait.
Ben and Sara are hooking up? Did you know about this? Unbelievable.
Where are they now? They're on a double date at Hammock.
Man, come on.
You know how awkward it would be for them to be on a double date together? All right.
Cool.
If they want awkward, they're going to get awkward.
Has this whole thing left you feeling kind of - sexual? - No.
No.
Or me.
Sara, I have to admit You are really cool.
I would really like if we could Maybe we could see where this could go.
You two are having sex? - Whoa.
- How could you not tell me? I mean, no.
Me, Fitz! You know, every day, I listen to you guys whine about your petty problems.
"Oh, oh, do you think that he didn't call me back because I didn't shave my legs all the way up?" Uh, yes.
"Do you think my date was pissed because I, you know, tried to make my own condom?" Dude! No! I've never I have listened to you guys drone on about every single text message you receive, and now that you two are hooking up, I-I'm not privy to that information? We were right about them.
We are right about everyone.
- What? - Guys, listen.
- There's, um - Oh, okay.
Oh, good, go.
'Cause the joke's on you.
We are sleeping together.
And my stories kill! Most of the time.
I mean, just last Tuesday this guy at work was telling me Or wait, was it Wednesday? Anyway, he's a nurse.
- Sara, Sara.
- Not that there's any shame in that.
- They're-they're gone, so - Oh.
Did you try to make a condom? You shaved yourself hair shorts.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Whatever it takes Thanks for walking me.
Let me buy you a scotch and mostly soda.
I think I'm gonna call it a night.
But you love those.
Are you still upset about the truth off? I can't stand seeing you with Clay.
Okay? You are amazing and beautiful and nice to your friends.
And he is pretentious and mean and not nice to your friends.
And I know that sometimes bad news is-is good, because girls are like Jell-O, but I just I Oh, him? What? Aaron, I don't think Clay is right for me.
- You don't? - No.
Of course not.
Do you really think I believe I have a future with a guy who says everything he's thinking? He looks really good in suspenders.
I don't Yeah, maybe.
I don't.
I mean, Clay is fun to date.
For a little while.
And that's perfect, because I'm not looking for anything serious.
Which is why I wouldn't even consider dating you.
That makes me feel not-good.
No.
Now.
I wouldn't consider dating you now.
'Cause I get the feeling that if we did ever date, it would be kind of a big deal.
Where no one knows you at all And I'm not ready for that right now.
Yet.
You're out of control Oh.
A new pair of shoes could be salvation I think I'll have that scotch and mostly soda on the rocks, please.
Do you secretly just want a glass of seltzer? Yes.
Oh, that's my boy.
Whatever it takes.
Everything was going so well.
Oh.
You know, if Fitz hadn't shown up I know, it was in the bag.
We proved our point.
We're so much better than those two.
- Are we? - Yeah.
Because at least they weren't jerks to each other.
Hey, you were not a jerk to me, okay? I was a jerk to you.
And truth is, a lot of those bro rules are just ways for guys to get laid and then justify screwing over their friends.
I knew it! I can't believe I made a banner.
Okay, how about we make a deal? From now on, we got each other's backs no matter what.
We can always bro-ly on each other.
Sara, you can't just put the word "bro" in front of anything.
It's not like "smurf.
" Yes, I can.
Yes, you can.
Hey, babe.
I want to have sex with that woman as much as I want to have sex with you.
A dash more, because I've never had sex with her before.
Okay, yeah.
I'm out of here.
Mmm.
There's something wrong with your penis.
What? Size? Turgidity? Bored.
This is boring.
We're over.
Even the guys I date for a little while don't have to be d-bags.
Let's go.
No.
It's not full disclosure unless you say what's wrong with my penis! And you will die not knowing.
You'll never know what's wrong with your penis.