Greek s01e13 Episode Script

Previously on Greek - Are we in the wrong house? - I'm lizzi.
I'm gonna be here until ZBZ nationals determines that you girls are back on the straight and narrow.
I'm sure we'd be doing a lot better if lizzi hadn't made us dress like this.
We're intentionally being shunned.
Get outta my squad car! Decide this is going to be a great new semester, and it will be.
You think I can do that? We discussed it at the last chapter meeting.
That's right.
You weren't there.
- Where's the snow machine? - I'm so sorry.
It's bros and cheesaritos before hos.
I'm gay.
- You know, I can work with that.
- You can? Vitamin and prayer regiment can cure that.
Things have changed, Casey.
You have to accept that.
So you believe we have a future together.
In a world where there's no Casey Cartwright.
Check out the yummy boy buffet.
I don't have much of an appetite.
Casey, we are two newly-single college girls in a room full of boys and two-for-one drinks.
It will never get better than this.
Please, god, don't let that be true.
Come on, a little flirtation might do you some good.
I'm just not ready to dive back into the cru dating pool.
Not to mention the water's pretty icy for ZBZS.
Okay.
But I can be a great wing woman.
The goose to your Maverick.
Well, lock and load.
We got two bogeys at 12:00.
What are you doing? I am waving at cute boys.
There are two guys over there.
One of them will have to talk to me.
Okay, Goose, I'm about to eject you from the cockpit.
And I just got this top, so I'm gonna take it for a spin.
Hey, ladies, these are from the guys at the bar.
Well, thank you very much, forever 21.
We can't accept these.
Wing woman.
Right.
Sorry.
My mistake.
These aren't for you.
Looks like they've got the top guns.
Roll call! All those present, say aye.
- Aye.
- Great.
Okay.
First order of business.
There appears to have been an unfortunate incident in the upstairs bathroom that involved corn.
We're gonna need a pledge to clean that up.
Spitter, hey, thanks for volunteering.
I didn't volunteer.
I'm just the only one here.
Wherefore art thou pledges? - Tell me you've come bearing gifts.
- Sorry, cap.
No gifts.
However, we did bring flowers.
From the omega chi front yard! Well, impressive feat, pledges.
- Wade, I think they're ready.
- Time to take it to the next level.
Initiation? Hey, slow down there, spitter.
You're talkin'at the speed of crazy.
We meant your pledge project.
The hot tub, the back porch, even vesuvius.
These were all built by prior pledge classes.
This is your chance to write your own chapter in the Kappa Tau history book.
Preferably one with lots of pictures for those of us who don't care to read too much text.
Can you handle this? - Yeah - I said - Can youhandle this? - Yeah! There ya go! Hands in! Kappa Tau! Yes! Season 1 - Episode 13 " Highway to the Discomfort Zone " ¤AkaZab¤ & Kasius - Transcript : Swsub-sub So please remember that showers longer than three minutes are strictly prohibited, as Lizzie has so thoughtfully reminded us.
Water's the earth's most precious gift.
And finally, Lizzie also reminded me that this week is national ZBZ big sister, little sister week.
Apparently, someone forgot to put it on the calendar.
This week is gonna be so - Tense.
- Girls, few relationships are more precious than the one between a big and her little.
It's like a delicate, fragrant orchid.
And this week, ZBZS across our great Nation will be pruning their orchids so they'll blossom forever.
So tomorrow, we'll be volunteering in pairs at the animal shelter.
Thursday is our double date dash at dobler's, and friday will end the week with a celebratory tea.
Meeting adjourned.
We're not actually going to be participating in this crap, are we? I keep my orchid pruned.
The events are mandatory.
Rebecca, listen, I know we started our relationship off on the wrong foot.
Mostly because you started out in the wrong bed.
- You really need to get over that.
- May I finish? But you did help out with the prohibition party last week.
Plus, with Evan and Frannie out of the picture, hating you seems less necessary.
And since we have to spend this week together, I was thinking we might try and be.
Friends? I was going for non-enemies.
See you at the shelter tomorrow.
Hey, Fellas.
- You need help? - No.
Go show your pledge brothers how to hack.
I don't know how to hack.
Nice.
Dude All right.
Gather around the porch.
All right, before you embark on your pledge project voyage, me and the wadester got a little, special treat.
A gift, if you will, that we think will get you pumped about your journey.
Wade? In the pantheon of kt greats, one man but stands alone.
I'm proud to call him my big brother.
That's right.
You guessed it.
Here he is.
Egyptian joe! Touching stuff, cap.
Wade, if you could turn down the music a hair.
I still wanna hear it, though.
This song slays.
So In'99, 40 years of pledge project sweat culminated in vesuvius.
A pyrotechnic marvel so sublime that it birthed this school's sweetest rager.
You know The volcano wasn't the only thing blown that night.
We blew minds.
Melted hearts.
And in the hot, hot heat of legendary accomplishment I became.
Right.
So After we made vesuvius, my pledge bros and I forged the ultimate bond.
Maybe you can enjoy a bond like that too.
But nobody expects you to equal vesuvius.
I mean, I don't.
We expect you to top it! Yeah! My answer is yes.
Was the question Wanna get naked? You asked if I'd go on a date with you.
I've given it some thought, and I'm ready.
Let's take this public.
Way public.
Like, let's go outside and make out on the ZBZ lawn.
Oddly arousing, but methinks there are ulterior motives afoot.
I want you to know that the way I feel about you has nothing to do with Casey.
Who, by the way, did something really scary today.
- What? - She was nice.
To me.
- Un-freaking-believable.
- Will you be serious? What's the big deal? If you and Casey sign a peace treaty, it will be so much easier for us to have diplomatic relations.
Maybe you're right.
I'm being stupid.
I know.
Why don't you make nice with evan chambers? Point taken.
I just didn't want people to think that I was dating you to get to her.
Now she's all nice and smiley.
Once she finds out about us, she's gonna hate me again, restoring peace and harmony to the universe.
You are such a romantic.
Trust me.
I'm so ready to walk out that door instead of climbing out the window.
Bu-bu-bu well, okay, before we.
Before we face the parazzi, I need to tell Casey.
I owe her that.
I know you wanna make her hate you, but I don't.
You're the one who suggested we stop hiding.
Casey and I have a past.
But we We have a future.
Fine.
But this is the last time I'm doing this, Rapunzel.
- Calvin? - Hey.
Two questions.
One, is Rusty here, and two You knit? Two answers.
No and yes.
Knitting increases hand-eye coordination and requires complex math.
Okay.
Just tell him I stopped by, all right? Hey, have you given any more thought to my offer? Your offer? To guide you back to the warm embrace of heterosexuality.
- Yeah no.
- I got a lot of free time on my hands.
I could read up on the latest methods of conversion therapy.
Just, just let me help you choose a better path.
- And I'm not judging you.
- So I chose to be gay.
I know that sin can be very seductive.
Thus my three pop-up blockers.
So you think because I'm gay I wanna be straight? See, with that sense of humor, you're gonna be very popular with the ladies.
Just let me fix you.
Okay, Dale.
If you think you can fix me, I'll let you.
All right.
My room, 6:00 tomorrow.
Your journey begins.
Our journey begins, my friend.
Our journey.
Don't worry.
I can cure you of that.
What about warren? He eats like a caveman.
Zach? Republican.
My phone's spent.
Isn't there anyone you're into? There is this hot foreign exchang student that winked at me today in class.
Hopefully, that's not an insult in his culture.
Where's he from? Hotmanistan.
You're way zen about the date dash.
Because I'm going solo.
I've got way too much on my plate running Zeta Beta.
The last thing I need to worry about is finding a date.
Evening, ladies.
Cappie! What timing.
Okay, I'll see you back at the house.
- Nice vest.
- Yeah, makes me feel official.
Actually, I was I just finished up with my community service, and I was hoping we could chat about dating.
I think I know where this is going.
Listen, Cap, I totally owe you for the party last week.
You were a really good friend.
Thanks.
And as friends, I just wanna let you know that I'm dating someone.
You are? S, so, who's the Lucky lady? Rebecca.
Rebecca who? Rebecca Logan.
My little sis That's.
Fantastic.
- Are you cool with this? - The coolest.
I.
I'm like a Polar ice Cap.
I mean, Rebecca, she's just so warm and Fuzzy.
Like global warming.
You know, look at the time.
I.
I gotta run.
Can't can't miss to catch a predator.
It's really good to stay informed.
- Casey, are you sure you're.
- So excited for you.
So excited.
Okay, guys, pledge class project.
Any ideas? - Got one.
- Pickle.
All right.
We could wire the tri-pi showers with web cams? And end up defending ourselves to Nancy Grace? Don't think so.
I got an idea.
We could make a Kappa Tau video game.
We can design different characters for each brother - and maybe put in a few easter eggs.
- Dude, none of us know anything about computer programming or video game design.
But But brad, I could teach you.
Gonzo's got a good point, spitter.
The project sounds a little ambitious.
Gonzo? When did you get that nickname? When we watched muppets take Manhattan in the hotel.
On our pledge trip to the mall of America.
You went on a pledge trip.
Without me? Yeah We tried calling you, but you dealing with some Jen K.
Cris by dropping singles at a strip club with the brothers.
Now, what I was thinking was what can we do, minimum amount of effort, that will produce maximum fun? Two words.
Tire swing.
Yeah, man.
I, that's.
I don't.
I don't think that's what Cappie was talking about.
Never mind.
Never mind.
Hey, Casey.
I'm having a bad day.
Could we just skip to the tender moment? - Forget it.
- Fine, fine.
We'll do the whole thing.
What's wrong? My entire pledge class hates me.
Okay, you know what? Have a seat on your throne, drama queen.
I'm serious.
It wasn't until we started working on this pledge project that I realized they have this whole life going on without me.
They pull pranks on omega chis.
- They went to the mall of America.
- Okay, so you're not mr.
Popularity.
You never were in high school.
This should feel comfortable, like putting on an old, musty sweater.
Casey, these are my pledge brothers.
Right now it's like we're a boy band And I'm the fat one.
It's pronounced"fa-tone".
If I were one of your pledges, what would you tell me to do? Well, I would encourage you to try and make a good impression Perhaps by giving a handmade gift.
People are always impressed when you take the time to personalize.
Casey, i'm in a fraternity.
You wouldn't be if you were one of my pledges.
Now, I'm crazy late.
Listen, just make a sincere effort, and I'm sure they'll give you a second chance.
Calvin, welcome to a very special purity pledge meeting.
You'll have to excuse sanjay.
He's never seen a Gay in the wild before.
I have.
My mom's in real estate.
So what are you guys doing here? Well, communication is key to the conversion process.
This is a safe room where everyone's comfortable talking about their deepest, darkest yearnings.
So let me get this straight.
You mean let us get you straight.
Funny.
You guys get together every week.
You talk about your feelings.
And you don't have sex with women.
Sign me up.
Hey, little sis.
Ready to bond? Wait a sec.
- Have you talked to Cappie? - You mean your new squeeze? I did.
Though he's not quite new.
More used.
Are you guys the Zeta Beta Zeta sorority? That's us! There's so many of you.
I'm Jonah, your canine care specialist.
I'm Casey Cartwright, Zeta Beta President.
So what do you need us to do? Feed them, play fetch? Rub their Teeny, Tiny Tummies? These kids are getting dewormed.
Not by you though.
I got something even better for you guys.
Meet Philip.
Just rescued yesterday.
He's a total softie, but he looks like he eats babies.
People don't adopt dogs that eat babies.
I bet if you could get his hair to look half as good as yours, he'd be adopted by today.
Whew.
Look at us Washing dogs.
Hey! Sorry.
Just admit it.
The fact that I'm dating Cappie's eating you up inside.
I wish you both nothing but happiness.
Thank goodness, because i'm bringing Cappie with me to the double date dash.
- I didn't want it to be awkward.
- No! No, I, it won't be.
Awkward.
Cap, Joe.
Spitter, i'm so excited, I cannot wait for the big reveal.
It's likeextreme makeover, fraternity edition.
Let's do this.
Bhrosers, our pledge class has toiled nonstop to bring you the best in backyard fun.
We're proud to present to you The swing-a-ling.
- Sweet! - Me first.
Yeah.
I'll be in my volcano.
The swing-a-ling? Yeah, catchy name for a Crappy product.
What is this, an infomercial? Start over.
Do better.
Okay, okay.
Well, that's the most action I've gotten in months.
Remind me again why I can't just hit her.
Because you're over Cappie, remember? Have to float above it, and you can't let it get to you.
I need a date, ASAP.
She's bringing Cappie to the double date dash.
- I thought weren't ready for dating.
- It's not a date.
It's a defensive maneuver.
Okay.
Well, there's the delta rho with the eight-pack.
Or the tri-nu.
Since the article, those houses treat us like we're radioactive.
Does Hhotmanistan have a roommate? I could ask.
We communicate through hand gestures.
So it might take a while.
I need someone fresh and exciting, a man so juicy that people'll forget Cappie and Rebecca are at the party.
- This sucks, man.
- Come on, guys.
We can do this.
I think I have a solution, but it all relies on Spitter.
Great.
I know this video game could rock.
Not the video game.
You have to get us out of this.
- Me? - Cappie thinks you poop pearls.
You have to talk him into letting us off the hook.
I think Cappie wants us to work together to come up with something great.
Yeah, and we did.
The swing-a-ling.
We need you to convince him it was good enough.
We're counting on you.
How you feeling? Any less gay today? Still pretty gay.
In fact, you know, last night, I had the most vivid dream of Anderson Cooper Let's just try a new technique, shall we? Macho wear? - Where'd you get this? - Somehow I got on their mailing list.
But their boxer briefs are actually quite comfortable.
They do look snug.
So what I need you to do is flip through the catalog and stop whenever you see a man you find attractive.
Sounds fun.
My, my.
He's nice.
What the Just take a deep breath.
It's aversion therapy.
We have to link the stink of this rotten bana peel to your attraction to men.
This is ridiculous.
Why does it bother you so much that I'm gay? Because you deserve to be happy.
How can you be knowing you're not going to heaven? So you know for a fact gay people aren't on the invite list.
They teach you that the first year of bible school.
It says in Leviticus "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female".
- I've read Leviticus.
- You have? - Have you? - Of course.
Then you know that it prohibits people from getting tattoos, right? And from eating shellfish, from wearing clothes with mixed fabrics.
Call me crazy, but that shirt looks like a poly/cotton blend.
I don't have time to debate the scriptures with you.
But I'm gonna leave this here for you to practice.
So how did you two meet? I strooped him.
The stroop task.
It was a psych test.
She was my proctor.
I see.
- First we played proctor, then - Could you excuse me for a moment? Save me from Frankencouple.
How's your date? - He's très romantique.
- So he's French? - He definitely kisses that way.
- Maybe he's carrying his passport in that fanny pack.
I think it's cute.
Plus, it keeps his hands free.
I'm such a horndog.
I am so, so sorry I'm late.
It was really busy at the shelter.
We rescued this litter of kittens, and I had to bottle-feed them dinner.
Saving kittens.
Isn't Jonah amazing? Amazing.
Speaking of kittens, I saw this video on Youtube where this this cat just would not stop sucking on this guy's nipple.
Internet's insane.
Thank God.
Greetings from your friendly neighborhood party patrol.
I'm gonna need to see some ids before I let you have those beers.
It's for your own protection.
Name? - Jonah Perkins.
- Eye color hazel.
And beautiful.
- And an organ donor.
- Of course.
Enjoy.
Refreshing.
You down here? You gotta knock, man.
Well, come on in.
Hang out for a bit.
Grab a bag.
"Fro-Below.
Shampoo for your privates.
" I'm an inventor.
How's that workin' out? It's a good life.
All purple mountain majesty.
A lotta guys my age are anchored to, like, family or rent payments.
I go wherever.
Tropics Deserts.
Back to Kappa Tau.
Have fun, share my wisdom.
Check in on my Vesuvius.
Speaking of Who installed the atmospheric destabilizer? Me.
Nice.
Can I make you a sandwich? That's okay.
I'm not really What are you doing down here? I'm looking for Cappie.
My pledge brothers wanted me to talk to him about the swing-a-ling Maybe sell it more.
Me and my pledge bros had a crap first effort too.
So I made Vesuvius.
You gotta step up.
That's what's wrong with the world.
But weren't your pledge brothers mad that you did it without them? Hell, no.
They loved me.
I made us legends.
A man with a big-ass brain like yours needs to take the wheel and drive 'em to the Promised Land.
- I don't know.
- Innovators walk alone.
Do your own thing.
Slap their names on it, and reap in the benefits.
And by benefits I mean women.
What about your speech? The forged bonds.
Cappie asked me to throw in some stuff about bonding or blah, blah, blah.
I love Cappie, but he's an idealist.
You gotta be a realist.
The pledges'll thank you in the end.
Now eat your salmon.
I hope to one day become a veterinarian.
People are so concerned about human health care.
Did you know that dogs and humans are the only two mammals with a prostate? Kiss me.
How 'bout another drink? I gotta drive home.
How 'bout just one for me? Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the Lord today.
- I haven't gone to sleep yet.
- Is something due? Relax.
I'm working on my pledge project.
You pulled an all-nighter for fraternity homework? I've designed a homemade video game.
It's called Kappa Tau-tris.
It's like Tetris, but the shapes are all things from the house.
Try it.
See, you just drop the keg next to the beer bong.
All right, I'm done.
- Dale, I need to beta test it.
- Rusty, I'm not satan's joystick.
Good morning, sunshine.
Mom! We talked about knocking.
I know.
I was worried you were gonna be late for school.
I didn't know you had company, or I would have brought more lucky charms.
Hi.
We haven't been introduced.
I'm Marie.
Pretty name.
Please, don't feel awkward.
I've told Jonah if he's going to have sex, - I want him to have it under my roof.
- Mother! Mother That means it's time for me to make my exit.
We're leaving for school in 20 minutes.
You live with your mother? Yeah, just until I go to college.
Wait you're not in college? But I'm taking ap calculus.
How old are you? I'll be 17 in two weeks.
Which reminds me My mom's letting me have a party in the backyard.
You should totally come.
But I gotta warn you, she's insisting I have a piñata.
Listen I have to go My mom could drop you off on the way to school.
Really, I need to walk.
- I crave my morning exercise.
- Can I call you? Yes.
In five years.
- Are we off the hook? - We're still hooked.
This sucks.
What do we do now? Now we kick ass.
Wait until they play Kappa Tau-tris.
You made the video game.
- Pay up.
- It still has a few bugs.
Go ahead and turn it in, Spitter, and you can be the hero.
And we can go get fro-yo.
I don't want to turn this in alone.
This is our pledge class project.
This is your pledge project.
Just like you won beer pong and you rebuilt Vesuvius.
And we are kinda over it.
I don't wanna be the hero.
I wanna be part of this pledge class.
But I haven't had much experience being a team player.
I was hoping maybe my brothers could tell me how to do that.
- Don't be so critical.
- Don't showboat.
- Don't call me Brad.
- And help us brainstorm another project that we can all be a part of.
Done.
So what are some things every brother in the house enjoys? - Beer! - Reruns of cops.
Chicks.
We can build chicks! What's wrong with you? Casey, over here! I was hoping my big sis could make it.
Aren't those the same clothes you were wearing last night? I'm concerned.
Me too.
About the environment.
Which is why I like to wear all of my outfits twice before washing them.
Water is the Earth's most precious gift.
Excuse us a moment.
At least one of us got our passport stamped last night.
Jonah is 16.
Isn't that illegal? You might be on to catch a predator.
I saw Cappie and Rebecca making out and I lost it.
I got drunk, and I hooked up with some random guy.
Correction.
Random boy.
The point is I let it get to me, and that's exactly what I didn't want to happen.
You're looking very straight today.
You ready for the next lesson? You can't make me straight, all right? These lessons are useless.
Listen, you can't lose faith, okay? Today's is the best of the bunch.
All about attraction.
Now just look at this parade of female flesh walking by us.
- This is absurd.
- Listen, you gotta learn to appreciate the female form, the slope of the neck, curve of the back.
The heft of the bosom.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Now, who do you find attractive? She's cute.
See? She is attractive.
I knew you'd have an instinct for this.
What is she doing with him? She must like guys with personality.
He doesn't look that hideous to me.
- You find him attractive.
- Well, he's got good bone structure.
Wait.
- It all makes sense.
- What? Have you ever thought that the reason you're trying to turn me straight is because deep down inside You might be gay? - Ridiculous.
- Let's just look at the evidence.
You don't have sex with women.
You like to knit.
You Appreciate the male form.
And I've seen you run.
It's a little bit swishy.
I don't like what you're implying.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.
Until then, you might wanna use this.
The world is full of hot senator's daughters, right? That's the attitude.
Dime a dozen, right? Come on.
Come here.
All right, I'll see you later, buddy.
You're a good friend to Beav, Cap.
I'm sorry I haven't been a very good friend to you.
More friendly fire.
Friends are supposed to warn each other when they're making mistakes.
Look, I understand why you dislike Rebecca.
- But I've seen a different side of her.
- Rebecca only has one side, and it's covered in scales.
She's just toying with you to drive me insane.
So seeing me with someone else is driving you insane? Seeing you with her is.
You and I are done.
You made that very clear last semester.
So why do you care? If you say it's because we're friends, I swear, I will vomit into your ridiculously small purse.
I still care about you, Cap.
I care about her.
Really.
Is it her winning smile or the fact that she's the one person on campus you knew would drive me crazy? What is it, exactly, you see in her? She likes me for me.
First, we gave you the swing-a-ling, which ended with a broken Beaver.
So today, we're going to heal him and this house - by giving you the thing he likes best.
- You made chicks? Better.
We made beer with our brand-new brewery.
I have not been this impressed since Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls.
You totally came through! Let's have our president taste the first batch of beer.
- We're calling it Cappie-weizen.
- Nice touch.
Let's let the love flow.
- Is it clear beer? - Just wait.
Silly me! This is not about how the beer tastes.
This is about you guys working together! Brothers, let's hear it for our pledges! I'll drink that.
- We're still working on the formula.
- Way to go, Spitter.
I just worked on the fermentation.
Pickle's uncle imports hops, and Jake made these coasters.
He's now known as - Woodchuck.
- It's good.
I mean, it's no Vesuvius, but still.
He really loves that volcano.
He's just a little Endearing.
- Sure.
- Look, I know Joe seems a bit crazy, but we've been though a lot.
If it weren't for this house, we probably never would have even talked to each other.
But that's the beautiful thing about brotherhood.
It makes you bond with different people outside of your comfort zone.
Speaking of bonding with different people - We're making a pancake run to Ihop.
- I'll be there in a second.
- I'm just gonna finish - Go celebrate.
You've earned it.
Spring cleaning? I'm removing every speck of gay from my life.
- Tim McGraw.
- His jeans are too tight.
It draws the eye downward.
You realize I was just joking, right? - You're not gay.
- I know, but that's what you gays do.
You indoctrinate.
If I don't stay vigilant, sooner or later I could end up with my own bravo tv show.
That's ridiculous.
No one can make you gay.
Just like no one can make me straight.
It's not a choice.
I can't accept that.
- Why not? - 'Cause it's not what I believe.
Well, isn't that what college is for Challenging our beliefs? Pretty sure it says that in the brochure.
What do you want from me? I want you to accept that I'm gay and happy about it.
All right.
Accepted.
Thank you.
Next time, we're gonna talk about that flag, okay? Okay, Tim.
You can stay.
Nice tail lights! That's my sister.
We'll save you seats.
Let's pretend that never happened and deal with it later in therapy.
So where are you running to? Correct question is what am I running from? - What do you mean? - Cappie didn't tell you? - He's dating Rebecca logan.
- They're dating! Maybe we could put a hit on her.
I think she regenerates like the Terminator.
You okay? I know I don't have any claim on him.
It's just Cappie's always been there for me.
Deep down, I felt better knowing that.
It's like a safety net.
I guess so.
And now he's gone, and - It's scary.
- Can I give you a piece of advice? The reason people get scared when their safety net is gone is that they begin to doubt themselves.
They think they can't do what they did before because that net's not there.
I'm just saying that I wish I was as good as you are walking the tightrope that is college.
You're really into this net analogy.
- If you fall - If you say I will catch you This conversation is over.
That's fine.
I'm late for pancakes.
Thanks.
Wait up.
Running.
Good idea.
You were looking a little puffy.
Listen, Rebecca, even though I question your motives, I'm staying out of your relationship with Cappie.
I want no part of it.
Sounds like you're moving on.
Good for you.
I mean, really It's been two years.
Just one more thing.
If you hurt him, I will hurt you.
This is what big sis, little sis week is all about.