Guys With Kids (2012) s01e13 Episode Script

"Guys with Kids" is taped in front of a live studio audience.
- Mom's home! - Mom's home! Ow, hey! Welcome to my life.
These guys today.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Take 'em.
Look, and I'm not talking to this one for the rest of the night.
- Oh.
- Mom, did you know there's a-- Boys, boys.
Back up, back up.
Come on, give your mom some space.
- Oh, thank you, Gary.
- Oh, you're welcome, baby.
So how was your day? What'd you do? Tell me about it.
Come on, come on, come on.
What did you have for lunch? Uh, turkey sandwich? Oh, a turkey sandwich? All right.
On what type of bread? Come on, don't leave me hanging, woman! Gary, I just got home.
I'm tired.
Baby, I'm tired too.
And I've been trapped in here all day.
I need to know what's going on out in the real world.
Give me details.
- You want details? - Yes.
I spent five hours in a windowless conference room debating whether to put the title of a PowerPoint presentation in all caps or initial caps.
Oh, so what did you decide? Oh, baby, please, can I just get a minute? No, baby, I need adult conversation.
The only thing I talked to today was this thing.
You're special.
The positive reinforcement is great, but the conversation doesn't go anywhere.
I like you.
Say it less and mean it more, Teddy bear.
Life is how you live it h ooh ooh waup where you wanna be hey h- you and - Ooh ooh ooh we're happy - Ooh ooh ooh weed our friends e the sun why would you walk n yoan run? everybody sing it loud â™hy wd you walk when you can run™ª So what's the big news, Chris? Cagney's starting a trivia night.
Apparently all those cards we stuffed in the suggestion box paid off.
The system works.
Let's do it.
Finally, some real competition.
I think we should pull Violet out of school so she can quiz us during the day.
There's the overly competitive guy who got into a butterfly drawing competition with my niece.
She thinks she's so good.
- Hi.
- What are you guys doing? Oh, nobody move.
If we hold perfectly still, she might not spray us.
Oh, my God.
Your dog can talk.
Hmm.
Sheila, we are forming a bar trivia team.
Do you wanna join? Does kamusta mean "yes" in tagalog? No, it means "hello.
" That was a trick question.
You need me.
Sheila, I know that Emily just asked you to join our team, but I am asking you to take the temperature of the room, read between the lines, and pick up on the general vibe that I am sending out right now.
Got itI'm in.
And I've already figured out our team name.
"Let's Get Quizzical," huh? It's a pun on the song by Oli-- Olivia Newton-John, Bang.
Winner.
I beat you.
Nick, you're on the same team.
Yeah, I know, but I won.
Hold the elevator! - Whoa.
Oh.
Oh.
- Hey.
- You two.
- Hey.
Yes, we'll ride the elevator with you.
Jeez, Marny, you're so needy.
It's nothing personal, guys.
This one-minute elevator ride is the only alone time in my day.
I love my kids.
I love my husband.
But sometimes I see someone in a coma on a medical show, and I say, "I could use some of that.
" Mm-hmm.
I totally get it.
I totally get it.
The stay-at-home spouses, they do not understand.
We go straight from working at work to working at home.
It's like, hey, I need some alone time.
But if I ask Gary for alone time, it's gonna hurt his feelings.
Yeah, right, but that's why you don't ask for alone time.
You have to sneak it.
Dirty little secret about divorce, guys: Filled with wonderful alone time.
Like, lots of alone time, you know? Sometimes too much alone time.
Now I'm sad.
Nick, I don't think I could ever deceive Gary that way.
Sure you can.
Do it.
Maybe I'm just over-tired and blowing things out of proportion.
Hey, baby, the suspense is killing me.
Did you go with all caps or initial caps, huh? How long have you been waiting here? We watched you get off the subway from the window.
We always watch you.
Welcome to Cagney's inaugural Trivia Night.
All right, first question.
Who is the current prime minister of Canada? Stephen Harper! Correct.
I'm outside counsel for a pharmaceutical company based in Toronto.
I watch hockey.
Oh! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? Incorrect.
That's a point lost for team "Let's Get Quizzical.
" Good guess, Chris.
Good job! I know.
No, the thing is, you don't know.
You made a baby with that.
Colors of the German flag? Oh, uh, uh, I'm not positive, but I think it's-- - Black, red, and gold! - Correct.
Final question of the night.
Name the 1990s pop duo who lip-synched their way to the top of the charts.
Ding! Vanilla Ice! - No! - How is that a duo? Milli Vanilli.
- Correct! - Oh! Ugh, that's what I was thinking.
And the winning team: "No Quizness Like Show Quizness.
" This was so fun.
- We did so well.
- I know.
Oh, hey, let's go buy the winning team a drink.
- Oh, good idea.
- Right? Yeah.
Their enthusiasm is sickening.
I never should have married a camp counselor.
Gary, are you sure you can't join our team? I can't do it, man.
Marny's boss has been making her stay late recently.
She's working hard.
- Yeah, I'm really proud of her.
- Mom! Yes, son, that's who we're talking about, your mom.
Now stay out of adult conversations.
No, Mom's right there.
What is she doing here? She told me she was working.
She is working.
Working on those calves.
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
I can't believe Marny lied to me about working late, then went to the gym.
Doesn't sound like Marny.
I wonder where she'd get an idea like that.
Women's magazines, obviously.
Hey, baby.
How was, uh, work? - Oh, brutal.
- Oh? Oh, I can see that they're working you hard.
So hard that you have sweat on your brow.
Oh.
Well, you know, they were really cranking the heat at work.
Hmm, I bet.
And I wanted to get home, baby.
But, you know, it's 6:00 here, and they're just waking up in Tokyo.
- Mm-hmm.
- Then Kashegawa calls and start asking for materials and, you know-- it actually was through a translator, Terry-- He knows.
And then I stopped by the gym to get a run in.
Okay, so we're gonna go.
Yeah, okay.
So Let me get this straight.
Instead of coming home You went to the gym.
Yes.
Yes, I did.
- Huh.
- But I did it because You know, because, uh Because I want to look good for my husband.
Huh.
So why didn't you, uh, tell your husband? - Because - Hmm.
I knew that You'd want to go with me.
And I know how much you hate the gym.
And I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you.
Because you are a beautiful man.
What are you talking about? I love the gym.
In fact, why don't we get a sitter? And we can go together.
- Together? - Mm-hmm.
But--but you would do your thing, and I would do my thing.
Exactly.
Well, great.
Why wouldn't that work? Rising up back on my feet joggingre next to Mar Did you tell Chrand Emily they're off the trivieam? No, but I did learn that Chris thinks true love is one of the seven wonders of the world.
We're never going to win with them on the team, so sack up and cut 'em loose.
I guess I could tell them that I'm working late, and we can't do trivia this week.
I don't care how the sausage is made.
Just get it done.
And you said this would be awkward.
See? We can hold hands.
Gary, I'm feeling a little dehydrated.
Can you get me some of that cucumber water? - Oh, sure thing, baby.
- Thank you.
Getting cucumber water it's the thrill of the fig hey there's a climg wall over here Nick.
- Hey, Marny.
- You got me into this.
Now how do I get out? Gary's with me at the gym, talking through all my alone time.
He got on the back of my treadmill and acted like he was trying to catch me.
Okay, you can go one of two ways with this.
You can divorce Gary.
Nah.
It would take too long to train somebody new.
Or-- ah! Fake an injury.
Don't you think that's going a little far? No.
Do it.
Hey, Marny.
Marny.
Marny.
Marny.
Marny! - Marny! Marny! - Yes? We should come here three times a week.
- Three? - Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Baby, what's going on? Baby, you all right? - My hamstring! Oh! - Oh! Ow, ow, I think I pulled it.
- Oh, my God.
What--what can I do to help? Uh, I'm just gonna go to the women's locker room and ice it down.
- Oh, okay.
- Quietly.
- Mm-hmm.
- For, like, half an hour.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, baby, that's a good idea.
Come here.
I got you.
I got you.
Come on.
Oh! Gary, you're not allowed in there.
The hell I'm not! Get out of my way! My wife is hurt! Oh, wow.
This is way nicer than the guys' locker room.
Hey, come look at ours.
All right baby, time to change your ice pack.
Oh, no, Gary, it's okay.
I think two hours of icing is good.
And I really don't need the walker.
You know what? You're right.
I'm gonna get you one of those motorized old person scooters.
Honey, I feel really guilty taking all of your time like this.
Baby, nothing is more important than your health.
All I need to do is go to physical therapy twice a week at night.
By myself.
- Okay.
- I'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.
All right? I got it under control.
You won't even have to leave the house.
Ah.
Hey, come on in, Doc.
Who is this? This is Dr.
Wallace Yee.
I hired him to acupuncture you.
This is all your fault.
Oh, we are gonna crush trivia now that we no longer have those albatrosses around our neck.
What poem is that from? Rime Of The Ancient Mariner.
Oh, we are so ready.
Knowledge.
Hey, Quizzicals.
You guys ready to lose again? Ah.
We're not gonna lose this time.
In fact, let's make it more interesting.
How about the losing team can never show their face in this bar again? Bup bup bup bup, bup bup bup, bup bup bup bup bup-- hey.
Um, maybe not that interesting.
I come here all the time.
If you think we're gonna lose to these guys, why am I working with you? Okay.
Yes.
You're right.
Yes.
Okay, losing team can't show their face in here anymore.
Deal.
Prepare to go down like the Lusitania.
That's a-- - British ocean liner, yeah.
The sinking of which precipitated U.
S.
involvement in World War I.
Duh.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
Glad you guys are here.
Thanks for coming to look after Marny while I use the bathroom.
Oh.
I'm not really hurt.
This whole sneaking alone time thing has just gotten out of control.
That's what you get for listening to Nick.
"Oh, don't worry, Chris.
Bears are more afraid of us than we are of them.
" They are not.
I'm worried Gary might be on to me.
He's being so nice.
I think he's trying to guilt me into confessing.
- Hmm.
- All right.
Okay, Marny.
I'm running your bath, and it's almost time for your ibuprofen and chocolate milk.
Uh--oh.
Hi, Sheila.
Oh.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Nick.
Okay.
I'll see you when you get home.
Love you too.
Nick's stuck at work.
Said he's gonna be another 35 minutes.
Huh.
That was Sheila, just calling to say she was gonna be late to pick up Ernie-- Was there music playing in the background? Yeah.
Did it sound like they were at a bar? Oh, come on! They're playing trivia without us! The team was my idea, and they got rid of us? We're like that guy who was originally in the Beatles but got kicked out.
- You know who I'm talking about.
- Yeah, uh-- - Uh-- - Uh, what was his name? Uh, um, something with the word "fish" in it.
- Yeah, um-- - Pete Best.
God, we're bad at trivia.
You know what, though? That's no excuse.
Nick still lied to both of us.
Hey, never lie to your spouse.
You always get caught.
Isn't that right, Marny? So you figured it out.
That is why you've been doting on me.
What are you talking about? Figured what out? And what happened to your limp? Oh.
It's still here.
Now you're limping with the other leg! Ma--Marny, what's going on? Uh, w- -I, uh-- Now I'm all mixed up.
You've been faking this whole time? Why? Please don't take this personally.
I just wanted a little time to myself.
What? I put handicap bars in the shower! Okay, I think we're gonna-- we're gonna take off.
Yep.
We gotta yell at our people too.
Gary, I'm really sorry.
I know that I was wrong.
It's just that I thought if I asked you for some alone time, you would say no.
You're right.
I would've said no.
I work hard here, and I need you.
But mostly because the best part of my day is when you come through that door.
Gary, it was never that I didn't want to be with you, sweetheart.
I love being with you.
I just wanted a little alone time to clear my head.
Baby, I want some alone time too.
And we'll both get it.
When those two jokers are in college.
September 3, 2029.
I already have it circled on the calendar.
I'm really sorry.
Mm.
Oh, I don't know why I let Nick get in my head like that.
Nick? Yeah.
He's the one that told me to lie.
Huh.
He did, huh? Yes, he did.
- Hmm.
- It's all his fault! - Mm-hmm.
- Go get him.
What did I tell you? There is no way the other team can catch us.
One more correct answer and we win.
This is the third largest mountain range in Europe.
The Carpathians! - Incorrect.
- Nick, I got this.
For the victory, it is-- - Spice Girls.
- No! Hey! Incorrect.
Next question.
What element-- - Spice Girls! - No! - Incorrect.
Next question-- - I'm sorry--hey! Can we just have a second here, please? Guys, I'm s-- I see you guys are all here, and I understand that you're all mad at me.
Okay, fine, but you have to know, if we don't get this next question right, we will lose, and I will not be able to come here ever again.
Okay? Okay, which rebellion was defeated at the Battle of Sedgemoor in 1685? I don't know this one.
I don't know this either.
Neither does anyone else.
- I think we're still good.
- Okay.
- I know the answer.
- Oh! - History major.
- Oh! - Quick, what is it? - Okay! - Quick, please, tell us! - Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Gary! Hey, where are you going, man? Oh, to these nice people and give them the answer.
Hey, Gary, what-- Oh, my God.
If I lose, I can never come back here.
You should've never encouraged my wife to lie to me.
Gary, Gary, this is very serious.
All right? Chris, Emily, please? I'm sorry, honey.
I warned you not to be so competitive.
Yeah, and you kicked me out of my own group like Pete fish.
Gary, I am begging you right now.
Okay? I love this place.
Please.
I don't know why I do the things I do, okay? I'm a flawed person.
I'm working on it.
But I admit it, okay? Today I lied to my best friend.
I lied to my wife.
Guys, I'm so, so sorry.
I think there's probably something wrong with me.
And it's worth looking into.
I will search for it on WebMD when I get home.
But right now Gary, please, can you find it in your heart to forgive me? I'll forgive you.
After I get even with you.
The Monmouth Rebellion.
We have a winner.
Second place, "Let's Get Quizzical," you get a Cagney's shot glass.
And he's banned for life.
And you are banned from this bar for life.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, then.
I guess--I guess I'm leaving.
All right.
But you guys are gonna miss me.
You're gonna say, "hey," "hey, what happened to that guy Nick Thayer, huh? "Where's that guy that used to-- that used to order one beer at the bar and then hang out with his kid for three hours?" Oh, right, honey, that is quite a legacy.
Let's go.
Well, I don't mind being banned.
I'm tired of having to throw away all my clothes after I leave this place anyway.
Hey.
Oh, hey, baby.
Boys, your mom's home! Mom, Mom! Clark didn't change his underpants today! I wanted to tell her that.
Baby, how was your day? - Yeah! - Oh, long.
Oh? What'd you have for lunch? Turkey sandwich.
With a side of potato chips.
And a pickle spear.
Oh, see? Baby, that's all I want.
Oh, I took some pictures of it to show you.
Wow, marble rye.
You gone crazy.
You see? Mama went crazy.