Happy Endings s01e13 Episode Script

How hard do you guys think it would be to throw a press conference? About what? Yeah, you're right.
l just got an e-mail from Shershow.
He's getting married.
Who would marry Shershow? This is crazy.
''Though Melinda and l met but two short months ago, our bond is as inseparable as the Na'vi people's hair penetration.
'' DAVE & MAX: Ha-ha-ha.
That guy's such an idiot.
Shershow's getting married.
This Saturday.
On our anniversary.
No, our anniversary is this Saturday.
This is classic Shershow to get married on our day.
You're gonna have to change all the plans you made.
Damn it! They were such good plans too.
lt's All the-- The chocolate and Trips and-- Chocolate trips? Candles, silk sheets, and oil.
Hmm? Gotta have oil.
Okay.
Seriously.
l can't believe Shershow is getting married before me.
He was my safety.
l mean, we made a pact.
lf we didn't marry anyone by 40, then we'd marry each other.
You'd actually marry Shershow? lt's like the gun in my grandma's purse.
She hopes she doesn't have to use it, but likes knowing it's there.
Hmm.
l mean, l thought Shershow was the safest safety possible.
The guy's a maniac.
How many times have we bailed him out? Once out of jail and once out of an actual boat.
Remember that summer he stayed with us? Whoa! Where's my Bulls game? And why do we have 1 5 hours of Maury Povich? Because l'm in a fantasy Povich league.
Excuse me.
Let me just nestle through here.
Oh.
Golly.
Ugh.
Such a deep belly button.
Ugh.
lt wasn't as bad as the time he made smoothies at my apartment.
Ooh.
Shershow has issues.
Says the guy who wears the pajama top to the bar.
- Ha-ha.
- lt's true.
You know what? Actually, now that Shershow's getting his life together, that kind of makes you the new Shershow, man.
Yes! Yes, you are.
Can l get a beer, please? Your life is in shambles.
The joke is on all of you, because l'm wearing bathing suit bottoms.
Brad, pay for my beer.
BRAD Oh, he has his bathing suit on! He is gonna die soon.
l can't.
l can't.
- Shershow! - Shershow! So, Al, did you have fun on your date last night? Uh, l wouldn't go that far.
l had a great time.
Me, too.
So should l get a condom? What? No.
Sweet! l hate condoms, too.
Who does that? They all do that.
l forgot how much dating sucks, and l just wish l could find a normal guy.
Because to be honest, it's been a while since l did the old lay down, move around.
l'm sorry.
What was that? Oh, the old downtown parade.
l don't follow.
Mm.
Still not getting it.
- Sex! l'm talking about sex! - Oh! - The lay down.
- Okay, and then you Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hi, guys.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Thought l'd bring you some sandwiches.
What is going on here? Just some girl talk.
Wait.
You guys are talking about Alex and a dude, right? No.
Guys, l'm cool.
l mean, we are friends.
We gotta be open about this kind of stuff.
You're right.
All right, so basically l go out on a date with Connor.
One kiss and he's pulling out-- Okay, that's a good start.
Should we exchange anniversary gifts today since we won't be here on Saturday? No, let's wait five to eight more business days.
Couldn't have overnighted it? Hmm? Hey, guys.
What are you guys doing here? Shershow over here got in a fight with our cable guy.
lt was raining shin kicks.
Needless to say, no mas ESPN deportes.
Well, riddle me this.
lf l'm so Shershow, how come the real Shershow just asked me to officiate his wedding? Boom.
Stink it.
Now if you'll excuse me, l have to apply for my minister's license.
You mean renew your license, because you officiated our wedding.
You did have your license when you married us, right? Funny story.
No? What's happening with her face? Ah, she's ''Beautiful Minding'' it.
Just gotta let it play itself out.
Brad! You know what this means, right? We get to have honeymoon sex again, and l get to put my car keys in your attic? We get to get married again.
Technically, you guys are still married.
Yeah, but now we get to have the perfect wedding that l always wanted.
Babe, our wedding was perfect.
To everyone but us.
We didn't get the prime rib we wanted because your lesbian vegan aunt adopts cows.
And what about your two-year-old niece that your sister begged to be our flower girl and swore was potty-trained? Rose petals were not the only thing she dropped in that aisle.
lt wasn't that bad.
Poops, Brad.
Madison pooped on our wedding.
But now we get to do it right.
This is gonna be so great! Ow! Thanks, a lot, Max.
Classic Shershow.
Hello, Wisconsin.
Oh, my God.
Would you stop saying that? Wow.
This is so nice.
l always thought if Shershow ever got married it'd be in a women's prison.
Jane, that was the lawyer.
Oh.
All we gotta do is sign some papers and we're 1 00 percent married.
No re-wedding necessary.
Too late.
Brain wheels are already turning.
You know what that gesture actually means, right? What's up, nerds? Going with the grocery bag luggage thing now, Shershow? Uh, it's called living a green lifestyle.
You might wanna look into it, big oil.
And l'll show you how un-Shershow l am when l officiate the crap out of his wedding ceremony tomorrow.
l bet you all 20 bucks l make you cry.
You don't have 20 bucks.
l will find 20 bucks and use it as dental floss, because l won't need it so bad.
And besides, Penny is the one that is Shershow.
l mean, her safety's getting married.
How depressing is that? Ha-ha.
Okay, come on, Max.
l was never gonna marry that guy.
And anybody who would must be busted in la fa-ce.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
More like awesome in la fa-ce.
Damn.
l'm so glad you guys made it.
Hi.
Hi.
You look great.
And you My God, you smell good.
Yeah, l realized that aluminum is a really important component of deodorant.
- Everybody, how are you? - Hi.
Hey.
Let me introduce you to my love.
This is Melinda.
l am so happy that you guys were all able to make it on such short notice.
l'm leaving next week to deliver solar ovens to Honduras.
Wow.
Shershow, you hit it out of the park.
She's both beautiful and says ''Honduras'' the fancy way.
She's really pretty.
Pretty? l mean, she's a living doll.
l'm attracted to you.
Calm down.
Very much so and l am a gay man.
Okay.
Yeah.
Can you believe l got a girl like this? Pen, l was kinda counting on our safety pact.
l was afraid l was gonna end up like one of those sad lonelies, you know? The kind that cry at intersections.
Good thing l dodged that bullet.
So what's been going on with you? How are you? l'm engaged! What? Hmm.
Yeah.
So, Penny, that's great.
You got engaged.
To who? Uh Uh, my fianc#.
Hmm.
So where's your fianc#? Why isn't he here with you now? There is a storm.
Storm's a-coming.
Hmm.
Up the coast and the channels.
Big storm.
So he really couldn't make it, but you know what? Uh, why are you calling me? He's obsessed with me.
He calls me constantly.
Excuse me.
Anyways, you guys, Jason told me so much about you.
Who's Jason? That's Shershow's first name.
lt's so Shershow that you don't know that.
Max, Brad, Jane, Dave, Alex.
Hi.
l'm sorry, you guys.
l actually have to get going.
l have to tell my Aunt Cathy that this isn't her wedding.
Yeah, totally.
l hate pushy relatives.
lt's like, ''This is my day!'' Right? No, not right.
She has advanced Alzheimer's.
And it's been a really trying time for my family.
She thinks it's 1 952.
Ooh.
She's gonna freak out when she sees Brad in the hotel.
Yeah.
Sorry.
lt's okay.
Wow.
Did it seem like she was cold to me, or Yeah, she thinks that you're a wedding jinx, so she's really worried that you're gonna ruin the weekend.
What? A wedding jinx? l've only ruined one wedding.
Yeah, and Yoko only ruined one Beatles.
l'm gonna check in.
Hello, room.
Hope you're ready for some sex to be had in you.
You don't have to say that to every hotel room we stay in.
lt's just a courtesy.
Ooh.
Ha-ha-ha.
Mm.
Aw.
''Shershow-Rogers wedding, October 1 9th.
'' l love our anniversary date.
Oh, my God.
lf we got married tomorrow, we could still have the same anniversary.
But tomorrow's Shershow's wedding.
So we'll just do it right after, up here with all our friends.
l mean, it does-- Great.
Perfect, perfect.
l am gonna order the cake and the-- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can you please not get too crazy with this whole fake wedding thing? l made a big mistake.
Ooh.
You think? l panicked.
l'm an independent woman and everything but no matter how hard you sing along to Liz Phair or how many women's surf camps you go to, when the chips are down, you're going fake fianc#.
No big deal.
Just tell Shershow that your fianc# couldn't make it.
Might be too late for that.
What's up, skanks? Whee! Ugh.
l'm fat.
Ha-ha.
Hi! Hey, you guys remember Derek.
You guys so remember me, and l don't remember you.
Just kidding.
lt's Max, Brad and some blonde lady.
Penny Pasta, seriously, l need to go to the little girl's room.
l've had so many half-caf skim lattes on the drive up, okay? This right here, it's happened, okay? Get into it.
Drama.
He's all l could get last minute.
Guys, he can totally pull off straight.
ln college, he minored in theater.
Yeah, but he majored in dudes.
Whoa, girl.
Damn.
Hey, so you agree.
Melinda's being crazy.
There's no such thing as a wedding jinx, right? No, no, our wedding went off without a hitch.
Literally nobody got hitched.
Kidding! We are here, we're friends, and we are gonna do it up at this rehearsal dinner.
Hey, maybe you'll meet a guy.
Maybe l'll meet a girl.
Yeah, well, l haven't had much luck in the guy department lately.
Hey.
You know, um, maybe we could be each other's wingmen.
l mean, we could do that, right? We're buds.
Totally.
Yeah.
So you wanna be my wingman? l do.
Where was that six months ago? Kidding! l'm kidding.
Ha-ha-ha.
Here we go.
Hey, Penny, you look stunning.
So introduce me to the lucky guy.
Shershow, this is Derek.
That's my name, so don't wear it out.
What's happening? This hors d'oeuvre is like, heh-heh-heh, really weird, right? Yeah, l guess it is weird, baby quiche.
lt's like a tiny egg pie.
Great.
Well, uh, l'm gonna go mingle.
Have some hot tea with lemon.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
Penny, Penny, Ty Pennington, we are so doing it.
l'm gonna win a Tony this weekend.
Really? Your idea of playing straight is Danny Zuko from Grease? You don't like it.
lt's not a problem.
l've got plenty in the kitty.
Niles from Frasier.
''Oh, Frasier, don't you think it's--'' That's not gonna work.
That's all l've got.
Oh, my God.
l'm not seeing a very deep talent pool here.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Now this guy's got some-- Braces.
Ugh.
Ooh.
Hello.
Target acquired.
Ha-ha.
All right, l'm on it.
Ooh! Jeez.
Oh, God.
Can you please just leave it? Yeah.
She's the wedding jinx.
Mm, these are good.
Not as good as shrimp.
Shrimp? l love shrimp.
There's shrimp here? No, no shrimp.
Just like there wasn't any shrimp at our wedding.
Remember? Because your cousin Erin was so allergic.
But things could be different this time.
Two words for you, Shrimp fountain.
Mm.
Four words, l like shrimp fountain.
Then you shall have one.
And l can get my cake because there's a local bakery that makes a ganache that'll make you cry.
Ahem.
Woman totally played me.
Go on, scoop it up.
Ha-ha.
lt's true.
Oh, l forgot to tell you that Dave owns his own food truck.
OMG.
You have a truck made out of food? Give us a sec? Yeah.
We need to keep looking.
l've never felt so smart.
Have you guys seen Derek? Oh, yeah, he mentioned something about meeting up with Kenickie to race the scorpions.
That was good.
Thanks.
Ooh.
That didn't look good.
Ooh.
Yikes.
Mel and l have been best friends since we were ten.
l would do that again and again.
And now l have two best friends.
Love you, Melinda and Jason.
Okay, would anyone from the groom's side like to say anything? Mm.
Oh, don't go.
- No.
No, no, no.
- Don't, Pen.
Pen.
Boop.
Boop.
l want to say something.
l do.
You're cute, but l'm cuter.
Hey, everybody.
Hmm.
My name is Penny Hartz.
Ding.
Yup.
And l'm one of Shershow's oldest friends.
And how amazing is it that we both fell in love at the same time? You found Melinda and l l found Derek.
Sing it, bitch! Whoo! Ha-ha.
Magical night.
Ahem.
So congratulations, Melinda and Shershow.
You have found each other, and now you will never have to pretend to be something that you're not.
So let's raise our glasses-- Going down.
Classic Shershow.
That's a nipple.
Oh.
Oh, rough night for Pen.
Oh, poor girl.
She rode that thing like a bobsled.
Ooh.
Yeah.
l'd invite you in, but Brad made a promise to our hotel room that l gotta help him keep.
That's all right.
Go on.
l'm fine on my own.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, boy.
Hello? Housekeeping? Can you come back later? l'm about to have sex.
Yeah.
Gracias.
How'd the rest of your night go? Oh, didn't do much.
Just went to bed.
Oh, yeah? Yep.
And Tiffani was in that bed, and we had sex.
Busted.
Well, you know how l love great public speakers.
And you, you were a fantastic wingman.
Thank you.
This me-and-you-friends thing is kinda nice.
Yeah, it is nice.
You know what else was nice? Tiffani was doing this thing-- All right.
Tell Max and Brad.
- Ugh.
- Then you grabbed the mic and did 1 5 minutes of stand-up about the difference between men and women.
Oh.
At least l didn't bust out my Korean Grandma! Hee-hee.
Hee-hee-hee.
Grandma Geisha? She came out.
Hey, guys, did you get our paperless post invitation? Oh, you mean to your weird re-wedding after Shershow's real wedding? Yeah.
Yeah.
Just make sure you RSVP.
So l can get an exact head count.
There's only six of us.
Yep.
Just RSVP.
Don't see what the big problem is.
Okay? At least you only act crazy when you're drunk.
Oh, my God.
Shershow is runaway grooming it.
l wouldn't call that running away.
He's kinda more sauntering.
He's the sauntering-away groom.
Shershow, where are you going? Um, l was just trying to see if all the luggage fit in the car.
Oh, nice try.
Yeah, but what you said last night really freaked me out.
l am, l'm pretending to be someone l'm not.
l'm not this guy.
l'm Shershow.
But you're not.
You've got a job now and a car with a hatchback.
Yeah, it's pretty sweet, huh? lt makes loading and unloading a breeze.
But we both know that l'm just gonna end up screwing all this up.
l'm gonna oversleep some morning where we have a really big meeting, or they're gonna send me out to get a party sub, and l'm just gonna come back with a python.
Why would you do that? Because l'm Shershow.
l'm the type of guy who-- Who gets mustard on his shirt when l'm not even eating mustard.
l'm Shershow.
That's who l am.
Not anymore you're not.
You are Jason now.
And you deserve an amazing girl like Melinda.
Really? Yeah.
Now let's go get you married.
Okay.
Okay.
Ooh, that's a heavy one.
Okay.
Yeah.
l can't believe they made me sit back here.
There's no such thing as a wedding jinx.
Ooh.
That can't be good.
Oh, come on.
Don't go, don't go.
This feels familiar.
Ahh.
Oh.
l gotta go talk to Melinda.
l have to.
No, you don't wanna do that.
And she's doing it.
ln my experience, this is not gonna turn out well.
Really? Yeah.
Should l go after her? lt doesn't matter.
l'll stay.
Melinda, look, don't do this.
Okay, l know you're scared.
You probably looked down the aisle and saw your whole future and it wasn't perfect, but that doesn't mean it can't be great.
Okay, don't do what l did.
Or you'll wind up pretending to be best friends with the guy who could've been the love of your life.
No, l wasn't running away.
My bustier broke and my boobies were just all over the place.
Oh.
Well Well, they look hot now.
So l'm going to go.
Hey.
l just wanted to make sure everything was okay.
Yeah, fine.
l'll go now.
l'm gonna need that.
Yeah.
Thank you.
''ln your embrace, my heart retreats.
Love, a force of beating time.
Love, a war l cannot fight.
'' Damn, man.
That son of a bitch.
Lost 20 bucks but it's worth it.
''Because to sleep is not to dream.
To sleep is just to leave your touch.
For a few hours and days, l would rather stay awake.
'' Jason, Melinda, l now pronounce you husband and wife.
At last My love has come along So pretty intense convo between you and Melinda.
What? No.
That? l was just-- l was saying anything l could to get her to come back out to the wedding.
l was this close to knocking her over the head and walking her out like Weekend At Bernie's style.
And life is like a song Right, totally.
That's what l thought.
Yeah.
Well, congrats on not being the wedding jinx anymore.
Thanks.
At last Wanna dance? Yeah.
The skies above are blue Mm.
You okay? Yeah.
l'm not-- l'm not emotional about Shershow.
l'm emotional because of your ceremony.
lt was genius to go Neruda after Sade after quotes from dead grandparents.
You nailed it.
Penny, my job as a man of the cloth is to create a bridge between the congregation and the couple built on honesty and mutual respect.
Now give me that money, bitch! That I could speak to What's wrong? You gonna make me talk about feelings? Fine.
Blah, blah, blah, you're a great girl.
Blah, blah, blah, you're gonna meet a great guy.
Blah, blah, blah.
Until then, you got me.
Let's dance.
Aw.
You're my gay-fty.
My gay safety.
l got it.
Okay.
l wasn't sure.
Yeah.
Thanks.
And you smile Babe, l thought about it, and l canceled the cake and shrimp fountain.
You were so close to having a perfect wedding.
Why'd you give it up? The fact that you were willing to go along with me on this insane idea made me realize l don't need the perfect wedding.
l have the perfect husband.
Aw.
And here we are In heaven Foryou are mine At last