Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s01e13 Episode Script

A good harvest this year.
Our fields have flourished.
- Ah, greetings.
- Hello.
Bathsheba! Bathsheba! You're not getting any dinner if you don't move right now.
Move! Move! Instead of all that vinegar, why don't you try a little honey? And if you don't have any honey, well, a carrot usually does the trick.
Works every time, my friend.
Take them to Elysia.
Except that one.
No! No, please don't kill me.
Only if you obey my commands.
Now, find Hercules.
Tell him that Darphus rides again.
If he doesn't believe you, say you saw this.
The scar that the traitorous bitch Xena left me with.
What are you waiting for? Go.
It'll be the first celebrity biography in history and it'll be about you - Hercules.
- Come on.
The public's begging for it.
- Sorry.
I don't think I'm a celebrity.
Trust me.
We'll get rich.
"We"? Of course.
Salmoneus has to write.
All you have to do is take risks.
I'll make you the same 60-40 deal when I write your bio.
So.
60-40.
Sound good? - Hercules! - Excuse me.
We're conducting business.
- You gotta go to Elysia.
- What's wrong? Invaders.
Led by a warrior called Darphus.
Darphus? - Can't be.
He's dead.
- By your hand, if you're Xena.
- He showed me his scar.
- What scar? A gaping hole right in the middle of his chest! He should've been dead! Only the gods have the power to bring Darphus back.
I can bet which one it is.
That means nothing to me.
I'm still going to Elysia to stop Darphus.
- I won't fail this time.
- No.
We're going to stop him.
And I'm gonna come watch - for strictly literary reasons.
You gonna join us? Absolutely not.
You don't know what you're up against.
Hey! No problem.
Huh! Is there? It's Darphus! He's back! Darphus returns! Another victory! Lock the others up.
Take that one to the temple.
- Why? - I want you to get religion.
You know nothing of religion! You're going to sacrifice me! Don't jump to conclusions.
- Throw him in.
- Oh! Oh, please! Oh! No! Enjoy yourself! Get in there! Come and get it, Hercules.
This is the story of a time long ago.
A time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power-Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hey! Wait for me! Wait.
Oh! This ground's a little tricky.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Well doesn't really have an outdoorsy motif, but it'll do.
I was afraid these had got broken.
- Can I ask you some questions? - At your service.
- One: do you think we're on a picnic? - A picnic? No.
But one shouldn't deny oneself creature comforts just cos you're Two: what do you think you're goona put on those plates? Roast quail? If you want quail, you'll have to catch it yourself.
- Fine.
I'll do it.
You will? My family are quail catchers.
But somebody else will have to cook it.
Great hunters don't cook.
Don't look at me.
- Fine.
I'll do the cooking.
- I guess that leaves the scouting to me.
No, wait.
I think I should do the scouting.
Oh, no.
You're cooking.
Cooking.
Oh, you made a big mistake, buster! I happen to be Hercules' best friend! If you don't get What's so funny? You.
I'm a lot funnier if you stop using my back as a couch! - Get off me or I'm gonna call Hercules! - Oh, like you actually know him? Know him? I happen to be his official biographer! Well, I don't think of Hercules as the kind of hero who wants to sound his own horn.
I think I know him a little better than you.
In fact, he's right back there.
If you get off me, I'll take you to him! Sure.
Why not? When you meet him, don't say "You're Hercules?" like it's a big surprise.
cos he's not much different than other men.
He's bigger, with more muscles.
But otherwise he's about the same.
All right? You'll see.
Now, there he is.
- You're Hercules? - You said that! I told you not to! Yes, I am.
And you are? They call me lolaus.
- You're lolaus.
- Yeah.
- Last time I checked.
- That's good enough for me.
- I don't believe this! - lolaus is my best friend.
- You never mentioned him to me! - Holdin' out on your official biographer? It's a long story.
- What brings you to these parts? - Xena.
She's on the loose again.
Xena? No, actually, she Don't you have quail to catch? It's not Xena we have to worry about.
Our problem is with a warrior named Darphus.
He's slaughtering everyone in sight for the greater good of Ares.
Why don't we get 'em both? - It's good to be with you again, Hercules.
- Yeah.
It is, isn't it? Um I hear tummies rumbling.
I better catch some Xena uh, quail.
Who is that guy? My biographer.
Oh.
Tear down that house! Look at this bracelet.
That'll be worth a few dinars.
Vultures.
- There's a necklace too! Nothing under here! It's Xena! Tell Darphus I'm coming for him! Your message pleases me so much that I may spare your life, Quintas.
- Why would you think of killing me? - You abandoned your comrades.
I had no choice.
You needed to know Xena was near.
Yes.
Probably Hercules as well.
But there is still the matter of loyalty.
I was always loyal to you.
You know that.
All I know is that you ran once in battle.
You could run again.
- Feed him to Graegus.
- Yeah! No! You can't do this! You know, Salmoneus, to look at you, you'd never think you were a quail hunter.
Life's full of surprises.
Isn't it? Yeah.
It is.
- There's something I have to tell you.
- Oh, no.
We gotta play "rock, parchment, dagger" for the last quail.
Uh, no.
It's, um It's about - It's about - What? It's about Xena.
- What about her? - Well Hello, lolaus.
- Wait.
Hold on.
Hold on.
- What's she doing here? - We're on the same side.
- Look, Darphus knows we're coming.
I ran into his warriors, but one of them got away.
Are you crazy? She tried to kill us! - You don't understand - I understand all right.
You're falling into the same trap I fell into.
And I will burn in Hades before I stick around here to see you do it.
lolaus, would you Great.
lolaus, wait! Would you wait? - Just let me get outta here.
- Not until I tell you how Xena's changed.
You're talking about a woman who wanted to make history by killing you! That part of her life is over! Is that what she told you when you were rolling around in bed? I do not roll around in bed with her! Now, would you just hear me out? Darphus was Xena's chief lieutenant.
She wouldn't let him kill women and children.
She saved a baby.
For that, he tried to kill her.
- So you took pity on her, huh? - Xena doesn't accept pity.
She's a warrior in the truest sense.
That's why she's going after Darphus again.
I'm going too.
And I want you with us.
I can't change your mind, can I? No.
It's the right thing to do.
OK.
Count me in.
But let me tell you something, Hercules.
Both of us better watch our backs.
To get a message to lolaus you need a carrier pigeon.
It's not me, is it? It can't be you.
All I smell on you is hyacinth and cinnamon.
Are you a biographer or a bad comedian? Or have you got another get-rich-quick scheme? - How about love slave? I'm versatile.
- You're deluded.
Hold on.
Is something wrong? Let's wait for lolaus to catch up.
Well, I didn't tell him to stay back there.
What's the problem? This canyon looks like a perfect place for an ambush.
So let's stay close together and keep quiet.
Why'd you look at me? I can keep quiet.
I know discretion's the better part of valour.
Hey.
Shush.
Look out! Get down! Get down! Aaargh! Can you go any faster? What's the matter? Aren't you enjoying yourself? Well my back hurts a little bit.
lolaus, your head is bleeding.
- Yeah.
Salmoneus, you comin' along? - Salmoneus give them a hand.
It'll take your mind off things.
Salmoneus! Drink deeply.
Drink well.
Hercules is dead! Do you hear that? Soon he'll be too big to stop.
And we will join with him to fulfil the mighty Ares' destiny.
The god of war will rule the world! - To Ares! - To Ares! - This isn't getting any lighter.
- We're almost through.
Hang on, Salmoneus.
How much longer? - We're there! - Get out of here! - What about you? - Just go! OK.
Come on.
We're going.
Go! Go, Salmoneus! Go.
Go.
Take it easy.
You'll be all right.
- lolaus, give him some water.
- Sure.
That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen.
Everybody helped.
Everybody except me.
All I did is prove what a coward I am.
You are nothing of the sort, Salmoneus.
You stuck be me when I has to battle the centaurs without my sight.
Save your breath.
Why should they believe you? No.
Let him go.
He'll be all right.
What about you? Want me to bandage that head? No.
Should be a lot of laughs around the campfire tonight.
I'm gonna check the perimeterm see if everything's all right.
Every time lolaus looks at me, I feel his hate.
He acts as if I'm trying to drive a wedge between you again.
When the time comes, the only thing he'll worry about is Darphus.
And what about you? Could you go back to hating me? To thinking of me as the enemy? No.
I don't think that's possible.
I have done terrible things.
I've killed so many men I'll never wash their blood from my hands.
You've already started.
You saved that baby.
But when you help people, you honour the wife and children Hera stole from you.
There is nothing in my whole life that moves me that way.
You're wrong.
There's the goodness in your heart.
The diamond mine is waiting to be pillaged.
We'll use the stones to pay tribute to Ares, and feed the miners' bodies to Graegus.
When Graegus is finished, he'll be at full size - an enormity to guarantee that Ares' will is fulfilled.
Death to all who stand before us! Who do you think you are, tellin' us we gotta leave? He's Hercules.
That's a fancy name you're throwing around.
But you still can't make me forget the diamonds.
So save your breath.
I ought to pound some sense into your thick skull! Take it easy, lolaus.
If Darphus' name doesn't scare you, maybe Ares' will.
Ares? There's not one man in this camp hasn't paid tribute to him by fighting in a war.
He bears us no ill will.
- You were saying? - Look, Hercules, it is Darphus.
Thanks, Herc Don't you know you can't kill me? Ares is on my side.
Retreat! We're coming after you, Darphus! I'll be waiting for you.
If a knife in the heart won't kill Darphus, what will? We'll find something.
- Is everyone all right? - Yeah.
But there's a problem.
Salmoneus is missing.
As warriors, Hercules and Xena are a perfect match.
I find myself wondering about them falling in love, getting married, having children, hiring me to handle their finances.
My friend, I hope your imagination is the only thing that ran away with you.
There you go.
That should do it.
Anyone else? I think everybody who didn't die has been taken care of.
Good.
Guess we should get going.
I hope Hercules finds Salmoneus soon.
You know, the only person who's ever saved my life before was Hercules.
- Why did you do it? - We're on the same side.
- That's it? - According to the code I live by, it is.
Because it wasn't so long ago that you wanted to kill me to get to Hercules.
I'll go to my grave regretting that.
I was all twisted up by hate - probably the same feeling you have towards me.
Not any more.
Thank you.
Now, there's an encouraging sign.
Did you find Salmoneus? - Afraid not.
- Nothing? Well, just just some foodprints that might have been his.
- Where were they headed? - To Elysia.
The rage you hear in Graegus is a measure of how bably you have failed Ares.
Graegus needs flesh and blood that my 12 best warriors didn't get him because they ran from Hercules and Xena like craven cowards! But you fled with us.
I never flee.
I only live to fight another day.
Feed him to Graegus.
The rest of you, prepare for the arrival of Hercules and Xena.
Kill them, and you regain your honour.
Fail, and Graegus awaits you.
The only people around her with wagons are pedlars.
They're everywhere.
Whoever made these tracks is heading for big trouble.
The wagon was going west towards the ocean, and then it veered north, to Elysia.
Maybe Darphus is bringing in reinforcements.
Either that, or somebody made a terrible mistake.
Ow! - I'm glad I don't have haemorrhoids.
- Don't be so sensitive, sonny boy! - Cut that out.
- You need ocean air.
That's what you need - improve your sense of humour.
Enos, there's no ocean around here.
There's not? Of course there is! You can't see past your reins, can you? I knew it! I'm being driven straight to Hades.
Oh, don't be such a worrywart! My eyes may not be so hot, but my animal's eyes are just fine.
It's the price I pay for my cowardice, isn't it? Well, maybe you're not cut out for hitchhiking in the middle of nowhere.
Giddap! Very perceptive.
Not much father now.
I'll go scout ahead.
No, I think it's my turn.
- Wait a minute.
I know this territory.
- I'm full of old hunters' tricks.
- That's not all you're full of.
- Hey.
Flattery will get you nowhere.
Make a camp, and, uh keep a light burning in the window.
You heard the man.
I'll go get some wood, but I'm still not going to cook.
Whoa! Oh, smell that ocean.
That'll cure your blues for ya.
Since when does the ocean smell of goats? Goats? What goats? There are no goats here.
Fish! That's what you have in a fishing village! This isn't a fishing village.
It's Elysia.
- Is not.
- Is.
Is not! Is.
Is not! Sorry, old man.
It is.
Darphus'll be happy to see you.
I've been in a hundred other battles, and the only thing that's ever come over me before them is a cold rage.
But now Is this what it feels like to be you, Hercules? You're finding out how good it feels to challenge the forces of evil.
I wouldn't be doing it if you hadn't given me the chance.
Whatever I did doesn't count.
You made the decision on your own.
- There's another decision I've made.
- What's that? To let you know how I feel about you in case I die fighting Darphus.
Eat up.
Go on.
Try some of these steaks.
They're delicious.
Eat up! Have some more.
Yes.
Thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
Traitor.
Oh, no.
Now we've really got trouble.
Hello, lolaus.
Did I get back too soon? I mean, uh I, uh didn't think I'd get back so soon.
What did you find? Salmoneus.
But it's not what you think.
He and Darphus were eating together, having a great time.
Salmoneus is a lot of things, but I find it hard to believe a traitor is one of them.
Hercules Graegus is there.
- Who's Graegus? - Ares' pet.
He'll feed on Darphus' victims until he's the biggest creature ever.
And if that happends Ares will rule the world.
So what are we gonna do to stop them? Sometimes you can only defeat evil with evil.
You've lost weight since we last met.
Huh? - Come on, open up.
Eat.
- Mm-mm.
I want you nice and plump so Graegus will have lots to chew on.
- Mm-mm.
- Eat! Please! Don't make me kill you before I feed you to Graegus.
I want you screaming, so Hercules and Xena can watch.
- It'd be better to attack from the front.
- If we attack from Stop right there! Uh-oh.
The mighty Hercules.
How does it feel to be fi? How does it feel to be unconscious? Look out.
Show-off.
Any closer and my ear would be stuck to his chest.
- You didn't give me a good angle.
- I knew you could handle it.
Come on.
We need to move fast.
lolaus you know what to do.
Yeah.
Burning wagon coming up.
- Time to teach you some manners.
- Don't get me wrong! Your food is great.
If you get me a nice sorbet, I could work through six or seven more courses.
Graegus is hungry.
There's plenty of roast left! Let me get him some! After he's finished with you, he'll be big enough to obliterate anyone in Ares' path! He smells your fear.
- Take him inside.
- That's not fear! It's gas! Wait! Oh! I've got land Ow! in Macedonia! Ow! You could be landowners.
I got Argh! southern exposure.
You could get away from the hubbub.
Don't do this to me.
My ankles swell.
Come on.
Stop! Oh! No! Please! Don't leave me! Hey! Don't leave me! So the son of Zeus has finally arrived.
Get him! - The wagon was supposed to be on fire! - Old hunters' tricks don't always work! Stay.
That was great! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- We're not out of this yet.
- Thank you! I wonder if he knows how to play fetch.
I'll make sure you stay dead this time, Darphus! It's you who dies this time! Come on.
Don't you ever get full? Nice cut! Salmoneus! Get out of here! Come on, get out! Go! Run! - Thanks.
- My pleasure! Xena! Let's put evil in its place.
Now! I've never seen anything like that.
What happened? Bad diet.
But Darphus has Ares on his side.
Didn't matter.
Evil defeated itself.
Boom! You should've seen those soldiers fall when I conked them.
I dropped those turkeys like a bad habit.
I'd write about it if if only I had my You looking for this? You found it! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You never can tell how Salmoneus feels about anything.
- Yeah, he'll have to work on that.
- Yeah.
Go ahead and laugh.
- You two are gonna miss me.
- Where are you going? I'm going to Athens to work on your celebrity biography.
If it doesn't work out, I can always sell obedience training for dogs.
Goodbye, my friends.
Take care, Salmoneus.
Well guess I'm on the way home.
Wanna come along? There's someone I need to talk to first.
You're leaving.
You're going to make this tougher on me than it already is, aren't you? It doesn't have to be that way.
Please don't.
You're gonna make me cry.
I haven't done that since I was a child.
Xena.
Let me go.
There's so much in my life I have to make amends for.
I've got to get started.
I wish you'd let me help.
You already have.
You've unchained my heart.
Goodbye, Hercules.
- You all right? - Yeah.
I think so.
At least the good guys won.