I Hate My Teenage Daughter s01e13 Episode Script

My God, this fight has lasted a long time.
It's like watching one of those Japanese monster movies.
Annie versus Spawn of Annie.
- Oh, I know what they're saying.
"I did everything for you.
You are so ungrateful.
" "I hate you.
It's unfair.
It's unfair.
I hate you.
" "Don't you take that tone with me, young lady.
I am your mother, and this is my finger.
" Okay.
I got one.
"My name is Sophie and I'm in trouble with my mom.
" Why won't you let me be a part of your group? How much longer is this going to take? I need more coffee to balance out my apple fritter.
Oh, it's going to take a while.
Sophie snuck out to a concert last night after Annie told her she couldn't go.
- Oh my God.
- And she didn't get home until 3:00 am.
I kind of feel like this is my influence.
I've never been more proud.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Matt.
He's going to be so mad at Sophie I don't think so.
He told her she could go.
Oh God.
Annie's going to kill him.
Run away, man! It's a trap! Quiet, Gary.
We're not at the Magic Johnson Theatre.
I don't care if your dad said it was okay, Sophie.
I told you you couldn't go.
You never let me do anything fun.
I wish I lived with dad.
You say that every time you don't get your way.
You know, I mean it this time.
I'm moving in with dad.
- Good.
Move in with your dad.
- I will.
- Great! - I'm going home to pack right now.
I'll help you.
I find if you roll things they fit better.
- Hey, Annie? - What? Sorry.
I just can't finish this apple fritter without a little more coffee.
Problem solved! - Hi, daddy.
- Hey, Soph! What's with the suitcase? Are you selling stuff? No, dad.
I'm moving in.
What? No! Great! Does your mom know about this? Yeah.
She just dropped me off.
Oh, and she wrote you this note.
"Dear jackass" It only gets worse.
Going to let me in? Oh.
Uh Of course.
It's just my cleaning lady is taking a shower in your bathroom.
That's not weird, if that's what you're thinking.
It's just standard cleaning lady procedure.
Yeah.
Come on.
Dad, this is going to be so much fun! Hey, Soph.
Uh I'm not sure that you living here is such a great idea.
I mean, I wish you could.
It just my lifestyle is a little Hey, Matt? I can't find my underwear.
She does the laundry here too.
You know how after our weekends together you say "Oh, I wish you could stay forever"? Well, now you get your wish.
Yay! Hey.
How are you doing? I am actually doing great.
You know what I did this morning for the first time in years? Took a long soak in the tub without Sophie coming in and accusing me of using all the hot water then pretending to vomit when she sees my naked body.
Good.
I was worried you'd be upset.
Please.
After three days of living at Matt's, she'll learn her lesson.
She'll be begging to come back.
And that leaves me plenty of time to do a lot of fun stuff.
- I made a list.
- I want to do fun stuff.
Let me see.
"Clean up kitchen drawers.
" "Line dancing class.
" "Visit Alpaca Farm.
" Sometimes I wonder, if we didn't have our girls, would we still be friends? Sorry.
What would be on your list? Well, I've always wanted to eat my way out of a cake coffin.
You're right.
The girls are the glue.
Hey.
Mackenzie is going to be with Sophie tonight.
We should go out.
We could go to a karaoke bar or rock and roll bowling.
Oh! Cirque du Soleil! - Sweetie, calm down.
- I can't calm down! After a 15-year sentence, I'm on parole, baby! I brought 12-pack and wings just in time for tipoff.
Uh Slight change of plans.
Instead of watching the game, we are all going to watch Glee together.
I don't know what the hell Glee is, but something tells me I should take a Tylenol PM and go home.
Did they study for their math test? Not yet, but they promised me they were going to get to it later.
Later? Dude, do you know what "later" means in teenager talk? "Go to hell, old man.
" Let me yell at her.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm a better dad than you.
No.
That's not how I'm doing it here.
This is my house.
It's my rules.
All right.
So, what are your rules? Open communication.
Compromise.
Seeing things through each other's eyes.
Those aren't rules.
That's crap you say at couples therapy.
At least let me threaten to throw the TV out the window.
Gary, I know what I'm doing.
I see what Annie does.
Always yelling at Sophie and making her do stuff she doesn't want to do.
If that worked, would Sophie be here? Okay, man.
You seem like you got it under control.
I'm just going to kick back and watch this place change into a post-apocalyptic Forever 21.
Dude, it's cool.
It's just you, me and the girls.
Oh, and they invited a couple of friends.
- Oh, a school night? - I got this, Gary.
Hey, girls? Whatever happened to studying for the math test? Huh? Hello? Gary, a little help here.
Go to hell, old man.
That was so much fun.
I haven't bowled in years.
And think of that 10 year old's party in the next lane.
Unlimited free root beer and cake.
And I'm pretty sure I'm in all their pictures.
Yeah.
Sorry about the Alpaca Farm.
I didn't know those things spit.
That's okay.
I hit it with my purse when no one was looking.
Hey.
You know, it's still early.
You want to learn how to play backgammon or find out where Sandra Bullock lives? Oh, hon, I can't.
Gary's bringing Mackenzie back, and I want to make sure she's done her homework.
Oh.
I do not miss the homework battle.
Good luck.
I am going to experiment with handheld shower.
I guess I should have read that one silently.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
Sucks to be you.
I'm going to check on nobody because I got nobody to check on.
Wait.
That sounds sad.
Hello, Sophie.
Back on Day 3, I see.
Don't want to say I called it, so I'll just sing it.
"Called it.
" Mom, I'm not moving back in.
I just came to get the rest of my stuff.
Honey, you can't seriously want to live with your dad.
Why? It's so much fun over there.
Honestly, I don't know why you ever left him.
Well, if he brought over other daughters to play with, I think you'd get it.
I don't understand.
I thought this was going to be a disaster.
Look, it's an adjustment.
I'm not going to lie.
I just can't believe she doesn't want to come back.
I know it's hard for you.
It's hard for me too.
I mean, do I miss my social life? Yes.
Am I exhausted at the end of the day? Yes.
But is it worth it? We'll see.
- Bye.
- All right.
You've made your point, Sophie.
You're clearly trying to get back at me.
Now, just go put your stuff away.
Mom, I'm not trying to get back at you.
I'm just making a life change.
It's the best thing for everybody.
Let's go home, dad.
Well It's not on the list, but I think I am am going to have a good cry.
Check! Hey.
I just got off the phone with Matt.
Apparently, Sophie has really moved in with him.
Annie must be a wreck.
Oh, no.
She's fine.
She's handling it really well.
We should not be concerned at all.
Hey, Jack.
I can't find the cap to my tooth anywhere.
Probably fell on somebody's latte, but who cares? Teeth are stupid.
Why don't you get Jack a coffee, honey? Oh.
No.
Thank you.
I don't want to risk drinking a tooth.
You know, Sophie's been gone three days.
Good thing I've got work, or I would be going crazy.
Honey, why don't we just concentrate on your fun to-do list? Oh.
I already did everything on it.
I even found Sandra Bullock's house.
I tried to wave at her, but she just looked scared.
Then her dog tore my pajamas.
Well, let's start a new list then.
Number one: Buy a mirror.
Look in it.
Number two: Give yourself a good hard scrub.
You know what? Maybe move that to number one.
Guys, I'm fine.
Oh, look.
There's the cap to my tooth.
Gotten into the olives.
I'm just going to run to the bathroom and glue it back in.
- We have to do something.
- Absolutely.
We have the civic obligation to turn her into the health department.
Jack, Annie needs our help.
I've never seen her like this.
I went over to her house last night.
She was watching TV with a doll on her lap.
I tried to act normal, but it scared the crap out of me.
There we go.
Good as new.
I just saved myself a hundred dollars.
- There's no cap there.
- What? Oh.
There it is.
Glued it to my finger.
Oh, well.
Not "Oh, well"! You're in the food service industry.
Never "Oh, well".
Oh my God! This is worse than that disgusting Alpaca Farm.
Sophie, this has gone on long enough.
What's it going to take to get you to move back in with your mother? Nothing, because I'm not going back.
All right.
We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
The easy way involves a gift certificate to the store of your choice.
The hard way - you die.
She always says that to me.
But here I am, all alive and stuff.
Come on, Mackenzie.
Don't you want Sophie to move back? Mom, she likes it here, okay? She's getting some independence and really growing into an impressive young woman.
I'm thinking about doing the same thing.
- You're going to move in with your dad? - No! I'm going to move in with Matt.
The apocalypse has begun.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? Well, you looked a little down, so I thought I'd come - over and cook you dinner.
- I'm having dinner.
Come on, Annie.
I'm going to make you some pasta and some asparagus.
Oh, what's this? Soap.
How did that get in there? You know what? Well, we don't want it to go to waste, so why don't you go use that while I get this started? Jack, you don't have to do this.
I got the three things I need.
I got my chips.
I got my sweats.
I got my chips.
I'm fine.
Is that a doll sitting at your kitchen table? I'm going to go take a shower.
Oh my God, Jack.
This is beautiful.
Wow.
Table cloth.
Linens.
I had all this stuff? Oh, no.
I brought those myself.
They're from my hope chest.
Wow.
Nothing? I thought for sure you'd make fun of that.
Why? I think it's sweet to have hope.
I made a mistake, Jack.
I should have never let Sophie go.
I just feel like the worst mother ever.
Annie.
You are a great mom.
And I know it seems like Sophie doesn't know that right now, but when she grows up to be an amazing woman, she's going to thank you.
You really think she's going to be an amazing woman? Just like her mom.
Thanks, Jack.
That really makes me feel better.
My mind's already coming up with zingers for your hope chest.
You make fun if you want, but when I get married, I won't even have to register.
What are we going to do? We have got to get Sophie back to her mom.
Thank you.
I appreciate you trying to help me.
I'm not doing this for you.
You deserve everything you get.
She's not wrong.
I've never seen Annie like this.
And I've seen her down a lot.
This is worse than when Clay Aiken lost American Idol.
I'm not kidding, guys.
I'm really worried.
It's like her heart is broken.
And her shower.
It's so hard to be the mother of a teenage girl.
You take a lot of hits, and you just have to bounce back.
But Sophie moving out says to Annie that her daughter doesn't care about her.
That she doesn't need her mother anymore.
I'm not sure Annie's going to be able to bounce back from that.
That's about the saddest thing I ever heard.
This is my fault for being such a cool dad.
Let's see.
My worst date? That would have to be Bette Stewart.
Bette Stewart? The girl you took to Sophie's dance recital? She's beautiful.
Very beautiful.
Also, a big fan of farting, apparently.
When I went to kiss her good night, she let one go.
- She did not.
- Oh yes.
And she was not appropriately horrified.
Asked me in to have a drink.
- I would have killed myself.
- Which is the correct response.
Thank you.
It's good to see you smiling again.
What was your worst date? Oh.
This guy that Nikki set me up with.
You know how there's crazy cat ladies? Well, he was like that, but with raccoons.
I don't know.
I mean, they were all pretty bad.
- Maybe it's me.
- No way.
I bet you're a great date.
- I mean, that's what Matt always said.
- Really? We didn't really date.
I mean, I met him at that party and then he just kind of moved in to my dorm room.
God, I remember that party.
I met you that night too.
That's right.
- Hi! - Oh.
Hello.
Um Listen.
I know I wasn't really invited to this party, so if you want me to leave, it's Don't worry about it.
I wasn't invited either.
I'm just here visiting my brother.
I'm Jack Cooper.
- Oh.
I'm Karen Ceiling Fan.
- What? I'm sorry.
My mother told me to never give my real name to a boy.
Because then he could look me up in the phone book and find out where I live and kill me.
But you seem nice.
My real name is Annie.
Annie Doorknob.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not a murderer.
I'm in law school.
Top of my class.
But I'm really just doing that for my parents.
I'm actually a writer.
Oh, that's so cool.
What do you write? Adventure novels mainly.
Right now I'm working on something kind of a Hardy Boys for adults.
Very Hemingway.
Hey, do you know where everybody's getting soft drinks from? - God, you are so beautiful.
- What? - Nothing.
I'll go get you a drink.
- Oh.
Okay.
Thanks.
That's so nice.
Listen.
My last name is not Doorknob.
I just made that up.
It's Watson.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Annie Watson.
I'll be right back.
- Hey, Annie, I brought your drink.
- Oh.
Thanks, Jack.
Hey, this is Matt.
He just told me about his band.
Yeah.
I know who he is.
He's my brother.
- What's up, man? - No way.
You two are brothers, and both artists.
How cool is that? - Jack's not an artist.
- Yes, I am, you tool.
I'm a writer.
Oh.
Are you talking about those lame stories where two grown men travel around in a raft catching jewel thieves? Don't give it away.
She might want to read them.
So, what do you say? You want to get out of here and come with me to my gig? - Oh.
I don't know.
- Yeah.
She doesn't know, so Because you'll probably just stay here, right? That's too bad.
It would have been really great to have the most beautiful girl at the party come see me play.
You think I'm beautiful? Nobody has ever said that to me before.
I actually did.
Earlier.
You just didn't hear it, but I did say it first.
Hey, do you mind? I want to look at your eyes.
I'm writing a song in my head about you.
Well, I think I'm going to take off.
Unless there's a reason for me to stay.
No? Nothing? Good party.
Good, good party.
Wait a minute.
You were trying to pick me up - that night? - Hello? I didn't tell just anybody about my adult Hardy Boys books.
Then why didn't you ask me out? Yeah.
Like I'm going to compete with "You have such pretty eyes.
I'm writing a song about you in my head.
" You really do have pretty eyes.
- I would have said yes, you know.
- What? If you were to ask me out first.
I guess I should have been more assertive.
I won't make that mistake again.
- What are we doing? - I don't know.
Guess who's come home! Oh my God.
- Mom! - Hallelujah! What? What'd I miss? Finally, it's clean.
This is nice.
This is so nice.
This is so lonely.
- Matt? Are you coming back? - I guess I'll survive.