In Living Color (1990) s01e13 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody hereis equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Everybody made it.
All right.
- How you doing? - [Audience Cheering.]
Good.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
This is In Living Color.
This is our last show of our first season.
We made it through the first one.
We want to thank y'all for all the support you gave us.
And we'll be back next time.
[Audience Cheering.]
I gotta say hello to the guys from Orange Drive.
[Men.]
Aw, yeah.
! Give them a hand.
Give it up for 'em.
[Applause.]
America, you have no idea who the guys from Orange Drive are.
But they're a group of obnoxious, little kids.
.
.
that kept banging on my door bugging me for tickets.
So I hooked them up.
So now they're here.
We're gonna have fun tonight.
This is our last one.
We're gonna try to go out with a bang.
Before we do that, say hello to S.
W.
One, my D.
J.
[Audience Cheering.]
And to the Fly Girls, who promised they won't wear any of these outfits next year.
Starting over here.
Carrie Ann, Deidre.
.
.
- Lisa, Michelle.
- [Man.]
Lisa.
! Sit for a minute.
We'll be right back.
You can do what you wanna do In living color One dollar.
Try and dunk the clown.
Only one dollar.
Try your luck for just a buck.
Try your luck.
One dollar.
Dunk the clown.
One.
.
.
- [Dings.]
- Try again.
One dollar.
Dunk the clown.
- [Dings.]
- Try again.
One dollar.
Hey, wait a minute.
I just hit the target.
Why didn't you fall in? Oh, fall in, huh? And drink up all this water and suffocate, huh? Float on my back like a dead man.
That would be pretty funny, huh? - [Giggling.]
Yeah.
- I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
- [Horn Honking.]
- Homey's One-stop Carnival.
Step right up.
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.
Step right up.
- [Horn Honks.]
- Are you a real clown? No, I'm your daddy.
That's the clown.
What can I do for you, little girl? Can you make me a balloon animal? Sure.
How about a little doggy? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Homey once had a little doggy just like this.
His name was Pal-o-mine.
Pet him.
Pal-o-mine.
P-A-L-O, mine.
Used to love to play fetch the stick.
Yeah.
Till one day a cop car came by and ran over his back legs.
He ain't no pal o' mine no more.
- Here you go.
- You're a stupid clown.
Yeah? - One-stop Carnival.
One-stop Carnival.
- [Horn Honking.]
Step right up.
Step right up.
Hey, clown.
Can you guess my wife's weight? Sure.
One dollar.
Okay, she's about.
.
.
I'd say.
.
.
one fat bitch.
Hey, he's pretty good.
[Horn Honking.]
- Homey's One-stop Carnival.
Step right up.
- [Horn Honking.]
- Hey, Homey, what's this? - That's the Homey Whirl-Twirl.
- Want a ride? - Yeah.
One dollar.
Have a seat.
All right.
Round and round you go.
Round and round you go.
Where you stop, only Homey knows.
- Round and round I spin your dumb ass.
- Okay, Homey.
- You better hang on tight, because you might not last.
- Homey, now I am sick.
- You said you want to go faster, huh? - No, Homey! Round and round you still must go to pay for your sins that kept Homey down so low.
So how do you feel about yourself now? I feel dizzy and nauseous, Homey.
Good.
That's the same way I felt after eight years in prison.
Puppet time.
Puppet time.
- [Horn Honking.]
- Gather round.
Pay careful attention, ladies and gentlemen.
.
.
'cause this puppet show has a certain message to it.
I want you to meet Mr.
Establishment.
Say hello to the nice people.
[High-pitched Voice.]
Hello, nice people.
Now.
.
.
tell the nice people how you've tried to keep Homey down.
Well, I've structured society in such a way.
.
.
that men like Homey face nearly impossible odds.
.
.
of ever achieving any sort of educational opportunity.
Therefore, they're unable to obtain gainful employment.
.
.
thus forcing them to turn to an alternate source of income.
Sooner or later, they just end up in jail, just like Homey.
That's right.
Now let's show them how Homey gets back at Mr.
Establishment.
Shall we? [High-pitched Voice.]
Sure.
Very good.
So, what have we learned, if nothing else? Homey.
.
.
don't play that.
Very good.
Now take your bow.
The end.
One dollar.
[Horn Honking.]
Uh, me and my wife, we've been having some.
.
.
uh, sexual problems.
I guess it's 'cause I have been under a lot of stress and.
.
.
maybe I do harbor some misplaced anger, but.
.
.
you know, I think most guys do go through this.
- Am I right, fellas? - [Laughter.]
This ain't The Oprah Winfrey Show? Excuse me.
Hey! So they finally rented that place, huh? Been about two years.
Sure hope that slumlord changed the carpet.
It was so stink over there, I could taste it over here.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, by the way.
.
.
I love what you did with those little milk crates.
.
.
that little table you made.
What's that, art deco? Yeah.
Look at me rattling on and on like you know who I am.
Hi, girl.
I'm Bonita Batrell.
I've been here all my life.
I know everybody in this neighborhood.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, girl, there's some fine people in this neighborhood.
There's a lot of trash too.
But I ain't one to gossip.
Hey, there goes Mavis and her kids.
Mavis! Hey, I see you got the whole gang out there today, huh? Them kids look like a pack of rag muffins.
Gotta wrap them up in newspaper to take them to Sunday school.
Mmm, mm-mmm.
You see that little one down there? That little one.
No, the one down there with the snot in his nose.
Mm-hmm.
That's my little godson, Chuckie.
Hey, Chuckie.
Hey, Chuckster.
Hey, Chuckie wucky doodle.
You gonna give your godmother a kiss? [Kissing Sound.]
That's a little crack addict in the making there.
Honey, I'm telling you.
All them kids do is beg.
"Give me," "Loan me," "Can you spare?" Every time you turn around.
Neither one of them would ever say, "Here, dog.
Here's a bone.
" Now, the mama, every time I open my door, she's hanging out there with a cup.
She needs some flour.
She needs some bread.
She needs some eggs.
She need to take her ass to the supermarket.
That's what she needs to do.
Girl, I just don't understand people like that.
'Cause I'm trying to better myself.
That's right.
I'm enrolled in the Robert Feon School of Beauty.
.
.
and the Ace Truck Driving School.
So I'm gonna have something, you see? Hey! There go my home girl, Gretchen.
Hey, Gretchen.
Hey, girl.
I'm scared of you.
You look good.
Love what you did with your hair.
Shake it, but don't break it.
But if you do, save Chuck a piece.
That fool went and spent the baby's diaper money to get her weave tightened.
Girl, the baby was hollering like a banshee all night.
I'm telling you, I'm glad I ain't got to worry about that.
.
.
'cause I got me some Cherokee on my mama's side.
So hair ain't no luxury item in my family.
Matter of fact, when I was a girl.
.
.
my hair was long and straight and black and thick.
They used to call me Pocahontas.
Then one day I was heating up some ham hocks, and my ponytail caught on fire.
Ain't never come back.
Just don't understan.
.
.
Huh? Oh, oh, oh, him.
That's Mr.
Washington down there.
Yeah, he's like a father to me.
Hey, Daddy Washington.
It's me, your little fuzzy-wuzzy.
You lookin' mighty spry today.
Got some spring in your step.
Mm-hmm.
You'd have some spring in your step too if you were sleeping with.
.
.
the preacher's Poor Mrs.
Washington.
She don't know what to do with herself.
All she do is sit around eating the government cheese and passing gas all day.
Girl's stomach done blown up so big, look like she got food poisoning or something.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, it's a trip.
But I ain't one to gossip.
If anyone asks you, you ain't heard it from me.
No, you haven't.
Oh, oh, you gotta.
.
.
Look at.
There goes Miss Jenkins right there.
Mm-hmm.
That's good old Mrs.
Jenkins, honey.
I dare somebody say something bad about Mrs.
Jenkins.
Don't nobody better say nothing bad about Miss Jenkins, 'cause I'll go crazy.
That's when I'll lose it.
Miss Jenkins is a sterling example of a human being.
Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
Hey, Miss Jenkins! She is something else, honey.
Just don't let her take her shoes off in your apartment.
Feet smell like a dill pickle.
Yeah, there's some nice people in this neighborhood.
There's some fine folks.
You gonna like it just fine.
You just do me a favor.
You stay away from nosy, gossiping hens, and you be okay.
All right.
I got to go now.
The Home Shopping Club's coming on.
See you later.
- [Woman Rapping.]
- [Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Rapping Continues.]
[Man.]
You loved him in Police Academy One.
.
.
Two, Three, Four.
.
.
Five, Six and Seven.
Now you can see him live on stage ina special evening of performance entitled.
.
.
Michael Winslow: A One Man Show.
[Applause.]
[Mimicking Rotary Phone Dialing.]
[Mimicking Line Ringing.]
[Applause.]
[Mimicking Engine Cranking, Sputtering.]
[Sputtering Continues.]
[Mimicking Engine Starting.]
David Ansen of Newsweek Magazine calls it "Spellbinding.
" [Mimicking Machine Gun Firing.]
Clive Barnes ofthe New York Post says.
.
.
"Winslow makes us listenultimately to ourselves.
.
.
and what we hear is quite ugly.
" [Mimicking Turkey Gobbling.]
[Recording OfCrowd Cheering.]
- ["Charge"On Organ.]
- [Bat Hits Baseball.]
[Man.]
It's a home run.
! [Crowd Cheering.]
Don't miss Michael Winslowthis June at the Winter Garden Theater.
The experience issound-sational.
[Man.]
This month on HBO.
She's loud, she's ugly,she wears an overcoat.
.
.
and she's a screaming success.
She's Samantha Kinison.
Yeah, it's great to be here tonight.
I guess you can tell it's my anniversary.
That's right.
I've been married for five years.
.
.
to a [Bleep.]
man.
[Screaming.]
I try not to be bitter about it though.
I guess I just pictured marriage as being somewhat different, you know.
I guess I just pictured something other than.
.
.
some lazy slob laying around reading Playboys and drinking Black Label.
"Morning, honey.
Sure wish I could stick around waiting on you hand and foot.
.
.
[Bleep.]
your [Bleep.]
all day, but one of us has gotta earn a living!" [Screaming.]
I tell you.
Maybe next time I'll consider marrying a little higher up on the food chain.
Like maybe an amoeba or something.
[Chuckling.]
I'm not bitter though.
I love [Bleep.]
men.
I have always loved [Bleep.]
men.
I'll never forget the first time I fell in love.
I was about 18 years old, you know.
I'll never forget it.
I was just waiting for the right man to come and sweep me right off my feet.
Just sweep me off my feet.
Not use me like a [Bleep.]
Ride at Disney World! [Screaming.]
But I still remember the first one.
That's right.
Wrote a little song about him.
He looked something like you.
Mr.
Smooth there in the front row.
How you doin'? I bet you've been in love, sir.
I bet you've taken some young lady under your arm, sir.
I bet you told her you loved her, and she believed you.
I'd like to sing a song that I wrote for my honey lamb.
It goes something like this.
You [Bleep.]
bastard! You broke my heart! You said you loved me, you lying son of a bitch! You lame-ass [Bleep.]
! I never felt your [Bleep.]
! I never felt your [Bleep.]
! [Man.]
You'll laugh, you'll gas, you'll burn in hell.
Samantha Kinison.
This month on HBO.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Man.]
And now it's time for anothervisit with The Buttmans.
Ooh, it's cold out there.
Buff? Honey, are you home? [Woman.]
Hi, dear.
I'm just finishing up in the kitchen.
- How was your day? - Oh, terrible.
I've got a splitting headache.
Oh, whoo.
Whoo! I just feel like my head's about to crack wide open.
Oh, that's awful.
- Here.
- Oh, thanks, hon.
Let me massage your temples.
Aw.
- Was there anything in particular that bothered you today? - [Can Opens.]
I don't know.
It's just that since I started losing my hair.
.
.
it seems like the guys around the loading dock are laughing behind my back.
Oh.
And besides that, I split this pair of pants today.
.
.
bending down to pick up a crate.
- Look at that.
- Oh, that's awful.
It must be a faulty pair.
We should complain to the manufacturer.
- You're darn right.
- Is there a label in there? Well, let's see.
They usually keep one around the, uh.
.
.
[Muffled.]
Oh, what the hell.
Another 20 bucks down the hole.
- How was your day? - You know, the oddest thing happened.
Remember that time we took the kids on the roller coaster ride.
.
.
and we couldn't figure out what that whistling sound was? Yeah.
It sounded like a hillbilly jug band or something.
Well, on the way to school today.
.
.
Jimmy stuck his head out the window, and I heard it again.
- Weird.
- [Knocking On Door.]
Must be the kids.
Must have forgot their keys again.
Aw, how's my little buddies? Whew.
It's cold out there.
Talk about freezing your face off.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, muffin.
- I brought the mail in.
- Oh, thank you.
How was school today? It was fine, exceptJimmy got in trouble 'cause he kept giving Miss Jenkins raspberries.
- Did not! - You did too.
- Not! Not! - You did too! - [Raspberries.]
- [Raspberries.]
- Stop that.
I'll have none of that in my house.
- [Raspberry.]
- And you, young man.
What's this on the back of your head? - What, Dad? - This.
- Aw, they did it again? "Planet Uranus.
" - What does that mean? - I don't know, Son.
Probably just some more of that asinine humor.
You're gonna have to learn just to turn the other cheek.
Daddy? - Yes, pumpkin? - Daddy, can I get some, um, hair extensions? Oh, pumpkin, you need thatlike you need another hole in your head.
Daddy, but the boys seem to like 'em.
Well, those boys are just packing your head full of nonsense.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- I'll get it.
- Mrs.
Buttman? - Yes.
- Gas man.
- We didn't call the gas man.
Good God! It smells like foot and ass in this house.
Whoo! Man! Uh, there's been a report of a gas leak in the neighborhood.
.
.
and, uh, judging from the smell of things, I think it's coming from this house.
- I don't smell anything.
Do you smell anything? - No, Ma.
Not at all.
You might want to check next door at the Dickens house.
Thanks a lot, Mr.
Buttman.
Look here, man, if y'all ain't gonna light a match.
.
.
invest in some incense.
Whoo! [Jimmy Laughing.]
- Everybody, come here.
You've gotta see this.
- [Dad.]
What? Oh, just come on.
You'll see.
- [All.]
Ooh! - Wow! - It's a full moon.
- A full moon.
You know, sometimes I thinkthe moon was madejust for us.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Man.]
Join us again next week.
.
.
for more ass-backward anticswith The Buttmans.
Thank you very much.
We had a lot of fun this season.
We want everybody to have a fun and safe summer.
.
.
- and we'll see you in the fall.
- [Tommy.]
Later.
You can do what you wanna do In living color