InSecurity (2011) s01e13 Episode Script
Death by Birthday
- Can we take you to lunch? - No.
- Buy you a drink after work? - No.
- Buy you a drink during work? - No.
Can we sing you Happy Birthday or some non-copyrighted version of a birthday song? I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not big on birthdays.
And we have a lot of work to do.
Peter's here with CIA Special Agent Tom Bailey out of New York.
There are concerns that al-Qaeda is setting up a cell in Ottawa.
- Tom.
- Thanks, Alex.
We've been monitoring calls and it seems that al-Qaeda Plans to attack targets here and in the northern U.
S.
Have a listen.
It's a little staticky at first, But you start to make out what they're saying.
And here You can hear their cell leader say the plans have been set And it's time to get naked.
Oooo! Uh, Tom, what the hell are you-- Al-Qaeda says Death to all party-poopers! Peter, give me a call next week And we'll talk those North Korean sleeper cells.
You got it, Tom.
- Happy Birthday.
- Thank you.
Mm! God, that guy's got great glutes.
Tom's a real agent? Oh, yeah.
Rember Operation Brass Pole? Militant extremists working out of a Dubai Chippendales.
Tom headed that up.
Picked up some sweet moves, too.
Which reminds me, I've got a special birthday treat for you.
You're not gonna take off your pants, are you? What? And follow Agent Hard Buns? Let me get my guitar.
Come on, open your presents.
Cards first.
It's only polite.
Who's this one from? Mystery card? Let's just find out, then.
Oh, someone sealed this one up pretty tight.
Oh! Oh! What is that? FEMALE VOICE: Alert! Alert! Toxic levels dangerous.
Death imminent.
Death imminent.
Well, someone's turnin' I guess I'll, uh, do my song later.
InSecurity S01E13 Death by Birthday Well now the sun ain't shinin' no more I don't know why but I've seen it before Ain't got no joy No man to lean on He leaves my soul on the floor like a doll Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Thanks.
The good news is the toxin's been totally contained in your area.
- Everybody else in the building is completely safe.
- Great.
Good job, guys.
- What is this stuff? - We don't know yet.
But the Health Department's Hazmat unit is on its way.
This is a Priority 1 Call.
Alex, I'll start analyzing this.
In the meantime, I recommend everyone slow down their heart rate to 30 bpm.
I'll get right on that.
I've been through this before.
You're fine once you get over the hives and the fever and the vomiting.
- And the vomiting from the eyes.
- Thanks.
Look, there's lots to keep us busy before Hazmat gets here, So let's just get going.
It appears to be a mutated strain of anthrax.
Symptoms include-- Well, death is really the main one, But it's preceded by hives, eye redness, hair loss, Violent coughing.
Why doesn't Burt have any symptoms? It's possible he has a natural immunity.
- Are you serious? - That's awesome! - One in 10,000 do.
- Of all the people.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
- I know what you meant.
- Guys.
No, no.
I know I'm not the greatest agent.
And I'm sorry if you all think I have no place on this team.
I know you want to say something, But you're probably saving your strength.
- I'll need a sample of your blood.
- Needles make me queasy.
Noted.
Knife.
Knives are actually worse.
Ow-wa-ow! Not that this is going to help.
Could you try to be a little positive? If you die today, it means no more birthdays? There's the silver lining.
A little update.
Identical envelopes filled with the same powder Were sent to five different government offices And the Prime Minister's residence.
- Is he okay? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's actually on vacation surfing in Costa Rica.
But he doesn't want his Huskies to die, So the Hazmat unit has been sent there first.
But don't worry, they'll be here right after.
- How long will that take? - Don't know.
Try not to worry about it.
Speeds up the brain melt.
Ah, okay.
So, if Burt is immune, couldn't we use his antibodies To make an antidote? Judging by the levels of toxin, we would need All of Burt's blood just to get one dose.
- It would kill him.
- Oh.
But we could do it, right? Well, let's just keep that as backup plan.
What do you mean backup? I'm not backup.
We're brainstorming, Burt.
There's no wrong answers.
Shall I add it to the whiteboard? Hey, guys.
The Hazmat team is making real progress Over at the Prime Minister's residence.
So, this is the bullpen where you'd be spending The bulk of your time.
Now, don't worry, these glass walls usually aren't here.
Burt, which one's your desk? So, you'd be sitting over there.
What are you doing? Oh.
Uh, just a sec, guys.
I'm sorry.
It's just procedure.
I know you and your team are gonna get through this.
They're our replacements? But I'm not dying.
Exactly.
It's just standard practice.
Under the circumstances, I've gotta have a backup team in place.
Transition, never gonna happen.
And, besides, Donna, not ready.
- Donna? - Hey.
Hi.
Don't worry.
It's just for the brass upstairs.
So what would you say are your main areas of responsibility? Donna, you might wanna hear this.
Good news.
I have enough compounds here to make something that could get us out of this.
Thanks, JoJo.
You really came through in the clutch, big time.
Keep on giving 110%.
God, I have to stop falling asleep to SportsCentre.
Hello? Ah, just a sec.
It's your wife.
Allo.
Comment ça va? Yeah, everything's good.
How's your day? Oh, yeah, yeah.
She liked the cake, don't worry.
Um, Helene, um, I might be a little late, So I'll call you if it's past six, right? Yeah.
What? Oh.
Let's have the chicken.
Moi aussi.
Bye.
Love you.
I like your attitude.
Nothing to get Helene upset about - Because we're going to get through this.
- No.
"Let's have the chicken" is our code for "I'm gonna die soon.
" And what if you actually want chicken? Yeah, it's confusing.
So we mainly eat pork.
So.
What's that? Doomsday Kit.
It's filled with my favourite things.
A signed copy of The Spy Who Came in from the Cold .
A fine bottle of wine, Romanee Conti, 1983, And a cigar hand rolled by Castro.
- You met Fidel? - No.
Pepe Castro.
Works at the smoke shop on Bank.
No thumbs, but rolls a hell of a cigar.
You'll see.
Oop, a minute.
One, two-- There.
Anyway.
Well, it's to be opened only in case of imminent death.
Hello, Jeanette.
Hi.
It's Benjamin N'udu.
We had a speed-date three years ago, remember? We both love cats.
Anyways, I have a favour to ask you.
Please call me back.
- What kinda favour do you need? - Maybe I can help.
I don't think so.
Come on.
I'm here for you.
I need to impregnate someone with my frozen sperm so the N'udu name will live on after I die today.
All right, let me give it a shot.
I don't mean get pregnant.
I mean I'll help you find someone.
Alex, you got a second? She's going to be dead too.
Yeah.
Never mind.
Good point.
So, where are ya keepin' the little N'udus? The freezer in the lab, behind the ice cube tray.
What, beside the vanilla ice pops? Those aren't vanilla ice pops.
- Here.
- See? What did I tell ya? Thank God, my little ones are safe! A word to the wise, you might wanna label those.
Hello? Hey, Sis.
Heyyyyy.
Alex! About tonight-- - You're not calling to cancel, are you? - No.
Why would I do that? Because you have a habit of cancelling.
I do not.
Really? Remember the hostage taking? What hostage taking? Oh, on Mom and Dad's anniversary.
Yes, that hostage taking.
Or the time you missed Emily's school play Because your were trapped in a Russian tank.
Fortunately, you sent me the DVD.
You know, for a 6-year-old girl, Emily was a great Geppetto.
She worked so hard on that accent.
Yeah, I know.
You mentioned in the DVD extras.
And don't get me started on missing my jazz choir.
Look, I'll be there.
Cross my heart, hope to die.
Maybe more the latter, but what can ya do? Yes, hello.
I'm looking for Mary-Elizabeth.
I'm sorry.
She's living in a convent.
Oh.
It's Sister Mary-Elizabeth now.
That's correct.
Well, then, who are you? Hello? Hel-- - You okay? - Bapteme! No, just frustrated.
It's so hot in here without the ventilation.
- Where did youget that? - Hm? Uh, in the lab.
I'd get you one, but it's not very good.
It tastes nothing like vanilla.
Excuse me.
Can I have your attention? In a few hours, it's likely that you'll all be dead.
That came out less inspirational than I had hoped.
You may be gone, but you will not be forgotten, Because I'm going to create A slide show.
Hey, guys, I've done it.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
I said slide show.
I wasn't sure I could pull it off, But there was just enough for four capsules, One for each of us.
Great.
I can make it to my sister's.
I can save my Doomsday Kit.
I can impregnate a woman, myself.
And I can see a touching audio visual presentation go out the window.
Now, put the capsule in your mouth.
But before you swallow, make sure to bite down on the cap.
And if I did my job right, In about five minutes we'll all be dead.
What the hell? What are you doing? Don't waste them! What's in these? Cyanide, more or less.
And a bit of Ecstasy to cut the edge.
Are you crazy? Wait.
Where'd you get the Ecstasy? The stripper left his jacket.
This is going to be ugly, people.
Paralysis, Convulsions, Brain spasms, Liquefaction of eyeballs! Okay, I think we get it.
We're not taking these.
Atta girl, Alex.
That's the spirit.
We are going to live! We are going to come up with an antidote, somehow.
Everybody say "brain spasm.
" I'm just setting aside a little treat.
And when this is all over, I will reward myself with it.
Nice.
If you weren't going to be dead soon, You would make a great mother for my child.
Um, that's-that's sort of an off-side thing to say To your boss, but thank you.
You don't want to give it a shot just in case, do you? Further off-side.
- I feel sick.
- Blame Alex.
You'd be enjoying the peaceful sleep of death if it were up to me.
No.
I mean I can't get into that goddamn box.
Cigar looks good, bottle seems intact.
Just run an analysis on the wine.
Tannin levels are perfect.
Don't tell me that.
This is Claude's Doomsday Kit.
Claude, tell us what inspired this box of priceless treasures.
Get that out of my face.
Oh, that's our Claude, the lovable curmudgeon.
Claude, how long have you been-- Wow, are all those kids yours, or are you running a daycare? - They certainly all have your eyebrow.
- N'udu.
How goes the baby game? Is there no one who wants to be impregnated By a stranger on short notice? Ah, women.
You know what I've discovered? You don't actually need them to reproduce.
Check this out.
I made you a computer baby.
- Aww, look at him.
- Yeah, Little Burt.
- We're not calling him Burt.
- Call him whatever you want.
- N'udu.
- Okay.
- I don't want red hair.
- We can change that.
- And he should be black.
- Yeah, probably.
Hello.
Carol.
Hey.
Um, I know this is a drag, But there's a good chance I won't make it tonight.
You have to come.
I know.
It's just something's come up at work.
I knew it.
No, something has actually come up.
I'm not faking.
In fact, there's a good chance I could die.
You can just say you don't wanna come to the party.
- What party? - Oh, like you didn't know.
Mom and Dad not answering, no one around on your birthday.
You're throwing me a surprise party.
Yeah.
Except you're not coming because you're "dying.
" Look, I'm really sorry about this.
Can I talk to Mom and Dad, You know, before I bite it? They went to pick up the cake, The cake you're not going to eat because You're trapped in some volcano full of rabid scorpions.
Or on a space jet, flying into a wormhole.
Look, I will try to be there.
Maybe Uncle Bill can convince you to come.
No, don't put me on the phone with Uncle Bill.
Hey, Alex.
Aaaah.
What is this made out of? I don't know.
I bought it 20 years ago at Den for Men.
Here, I can open it.
Oh, oh, oh.
Please don't.
There's a bottle in there.
I'll be careful.
Oh, God.
You just need to know where to hit it.
Get the right angle.
No room for error.
- Maybe there's room for a little error.
- Stop! Gimme that! That's open! Okay.
Okay.
Which one of you did it? Did what? All day I have been trying to be positive.
I hate my birthday, then I get poisoned.
And I think, it's okay.
Stay positive.
Make the best of it.
Save a piece of cake for when it's all over, A little treat that says Alex on it.
And one of you ate it! Is your name Alex? No.
It's okay, Alex.
It's okay.
I think I know what could turn that frown upside down.
BURT'S VOICE: Question: What are friends? Answer: People who have your back, People who care for you, People who make you live, love, laugh.
Good friends, Good job, Good food.
I knew it.
I'm sorry, Alex.
I had to get that popsicle flavour out of my mouth.
Ssshh! You'll ruin the slide show.
Walk into the light.
Rest in peace, NISA Team.
Good luck on the ultimate mission.
Good news! The Hazmat team came through with an antidote.
An antidote, really? It's only a beta formula, So they'd like to test it out on you guys Before they give it to the Prime Minister's huskies.
We'll take our chances.
Let's do it.
Great! One other thing.
They could only produce three doses.
I hate birthdays.
Well, it's simple, One for each of you.
I don't think so.
Antidotes developed in the field are notoriously ineffective.
Okay, you, N'udu, JoJo, take these.
I've had a good life, good career.
I'll take my chances.
, I'm sorry, Claude, I can't let your wisdom And belly of experience be at risk.
I'm a warrior, unafraid of death.
Plus, I accidentally killed my computer child, So now I have nothing to live for.
- Little N'udu's dead? - I forgot to feed him.
Okay, I can't take any more of this.
Oh! Ooww! No.
Hold her down.
Okay, okay.
But let me do it myself.
You're a butcher with those things.
Aah! Sacrifice! What-what-what-what-what did you do that for? No offence, Claude, but it's hard to find good team leaders.
JoJo, do you speak French? Don't worry.
You'll do fine without me.
Any one of these people would make a great leader.
At least three out of four would be a great leader.
Listen, guys, uh, can I have a second with Alex, please? Oh.
Has your hair always looked this fuzzy? Hang in there.
You gotta get through this.
Listen to me.
Look, you're one of my best agents, Alex.
I mean you're bright, hardworking, thoughtful, beautiful.
Are you hitting on me? Now? I don't want to lose you, as an agent, But also as a, as a person.
Yeah, I really think you're great, Alex.
You know, and I know that we've never slept together, But, believe me, I-I've wanted to, Ha, lotsa times, but, well, you're just, You're too good to just have sex with.
This isn't really coming out right.
I care for you, so please don't die.
Okay? Peter, that's sweet of you to say.
And I've always wanted to say something to you, too.
I-- Ooh.
What? What? No.
No, no! What? Oh, my God.
This is the afterlife and I'm sleeping with Burt.
It's okay.
Not really.
Don't worry.
You're in the NISA infirmary.
You're going to be okay.
But how did-- We were able to give you a transfusion, from Burt.
He saved your life.
Oh.
Great.
Thanks.
So just to be clear, I have Burt's blood in me now? Yep, I'm in you.
You can probably feel me.
Hey, I wonder if we'll be able to read each other's minds.
I'm sorry.
It was our only option.
I'm concentrating on moving your left foot.
Can you feel that? You made it.
- Well, it's good to have you back.
- Thanks.
You feeling okay? Yeah.
Rest up.
You've been through a lot and there's probably A lot of things you don't even remember.
Do you remember things like, uh, What you were gonna say before you passed out? Look, it was a little crazy.
People say stuff.
Yeah.
I-I could see you were a little freaked out, So I was just trying to motivate you to push through.
Of course.
And I was responding in some way I totally don't remember.
Hm.
Okay.
Well, good job.
Alex, your sister's on the phone.
She wants to know if you're coming to dinner.
Aach, tell her I'm dead.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven
- Buy you a drink after work? - No.
- Buy you a drink during work? - No.
Can we sing you Happy Birthday or some non-copyrighted version of a birthday song? I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not big on birthdays.
And we have a lot of work to do.
Peter's here with CIA Special Agent Tom Bailey out of New York.
There are concerns that al-Qaeda is setting up a cell in Ottawa.
- Tom.
- Thanks, Alex.
We've been monitoring calls and it seems that al-Qaeda Plans to attack targets here and in the northern U.
S.
Have a listen.
It's a little staticky at first, But you start to make out what they're saying.
And here You can hear their cell leader say the plans have been set And it's time to get naked.
Oooo! Uh, Tom, what the hell are you-- Al-Qaeda says Death to all party-poopers! Peter, give me a call next week And we'll talk those North Korean sleeper cells.
You got it, Tom.
- Happy Birthday.
- Thank you.
Mm! God, that guy's got great glutes.
Tom's a real agent? Oh, yeah.
Rember Operation Brass Pole? Militant extremists working out of a Dubai Chippendales.
Tom headed that up.
Picked up some sweet moves, too.
Which reminds me, I've got a special birthday treat for you.
You're not gonna take off your pants, are you? What? And follow Agent Hard Buns? Let me get my guitar.
Come on, open your presents.
Cards first.
It's only polite.
Who's this one from? Mystery card? Let's just find out, then.
Oh, someone sealed this one up pretty tight.
Oh! Oh! What is that? FEMALE VOICE: Alert! Alert! Toxic levels dangerous.
Death imminent.
Death imminent.
Well, someone's turnin' I guess I'll, uh, do my song later.
InSecurity S01E13 Death by Birthday Well now the sun ain't shinin' no more I don't know why but I've seen it before Ain't got no joy No man to lean on He leaves my soul on the floor like a doll Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Thanks.
The good news is the toxin's been totally contained in your area.
- Everybody else in the building is completely safe.
- Great.
Good job, guys.
- What is this stuff? - We don't know yet.
But the Health Department's Hazmat unit is on its way.
This is a Priority 1 Call.
Alex, I'll start analyzing this.
In the meantime, I recommend everyone slow down their heart rate to 30 bpm.
I'll get right on that.
I've been through this before.
You're fine once you get over the hives and the fever and the vomiting.
- And the vomiting from the eyes.
- Thanks.
Look, there's lots to keep us busy before Hazmat gets here, So let's just get going.
It appears to be a mutated strain of anthrax.
Symptoms include-- Well, death is really the main one, But it's preceded by hives, eye redness, hair loss, Violent coughing.
Why doesn't Burt have any symptoms? It's possible he has a natural immunity.
- Are you serious? - That's awesome! - One in 10,000 do.
- Of all the people.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
- I know what you meant.
- Guys.
No, no.
I know I'm not the greatest agent.
And I'm sorry if you all think I have no place on this team.
I know you want to say something, But you're probably saving your strength.
- I'll need a sample of your blood.
- Needles make me queasy.
Noted.
Knife.
Knives are actually worse.
Ow-wa-ow! Not that this is going to help.
Could you try to be a little positive? If you die today, it means no more birthdays? There's the silver lining.
A little update.
Identical envelopes filled with the same powder Were sent to five different government offices And the Prime Minister's residence.
- Is he okay? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's actually on vacation surfing in Costa Rica.
But he doesn't want his Huskies to die, So the Hazmat unit has been sent there first.
But don't worry, they'll be here right after.
- How long will that take? - Don't know.
Try not to worry about it.
Speeds up the brain melt.
Ah, okay.
So, if Burt is immune, couldn't we use his antibodies To make an antidote? Judging by the levels of toxin, we would need All of Burt's blood just to get one dose.
- It would kill him.
- Oh.
But we could do it, right? Well, let's just keep that as backup plan.
What do you mean backup? I'm not backup.
We're brainstorming, Burt.
There's no wrong answers.
Shall I add it to the whiteboard? Hey, guys.
The Hazmat team is making real progress Over at the Prime Minister's residence.
So, this is the bullpen where you'd be spending The bulk of your time.
Now, don't worry, these glass walls usually aren't here.
Burt, which one's your desk? So, you'd be sitting over there.
What are you doing? Oh.
Uh, just a sec, guys.
I'm sorry.
It's just procedure.
I know you and your team are gonna get through this.
They're our replacements? But I'm not dying.
Exactly.
It's just standard practice.
Under the circumstances, I've gotta have a backup team in place.
Transition, never gonna happen.
And, besides, Donna, not ready.
- Donna? - Hey.
Hi.
Don't worry.
It's just for the brass upstairs.
So what would you say are your main areas of responsibility? Donna, you might wanna hear this.
Good news.
I have enough compounds here to make something that could get us out of this.
Thanks, JoJo.
You really came through in the clutch, big time.
Keep on giving 110%.
God, I have to stop falling asleep to SportsCentre.
Hello? Ah, just a sec.
It's your wife.
Allo.
Comment ça va? Yeah, everything's good.
How's your day? Oh, yeah, yeah.
She liked the cake, don't worry.
Um, Helene, um, I might be a little late, So I'll call you if it's past six, right? Yeah.
What? Oh.
Let's have the chicken.
Moi aussi.
Bye.
Love you.
I like your attitude.
Nothing to get Helene upset about - Because we're going to get through this.
- No.
"Let's have the chicken" is our code for "I'm gonna die soon.
" And what if you actually want chicken? Yeah, it's confusing.
So we mainly eat pork.
So.
What's that? Doomsday Kit.
It's filled with my favourite things.
A signed copy of The Spy Who Came in from the Cold .
A fine bottle of wine, Romanee Conti, 1983, And a cigar hand rolled by Castro.
- You met Fidel? - No.
Pepe Castro.
Works at the smoke shop on Bank.
No thumbs, but rolls a hell of a cigar.
You'll see.
Oop, a minute.
One, two-- There.
Anyway.
Well, it's to be opened only in case of imminent death.
Hello, Jeanette.
Hi.
It's Benjamin N'udu.
We had a speed-date three years ago, remember? We both love cats.
Anyways, I have a favour to ask you.
Please call me back.
- What kinda favour do you need? - Maybe I can help.
I don't think so.
Come on.
I'm here for you.
I need to impregnate someone with my frozen sperm so the N'udu name will live on after I die today.
All right, let me give it a shot.
I don't mean get pregnant.
I mean I'll help you find someone.
Alex, you got a second? She's going to be dead too.
Yeah.
Never mind.
Good point.
So, where are ya keepin' the little N'udus? The freezer in the lab, behind the ice cube tray.
What, beside the vanilla ice pops? Those aren't vanilla ice pops.
- Here.
- See? What did I tell ya? Thank God, my little ones are safe! A word to the wise, you might wanna label those.
Hello? Hey, Sis.
Heyyyyy.
Alex! About tonight-- - You're not calling to cancel, are you? - No.
Why would I do that? Because you have a habit of cancelling.
I do not.
Really? Remember the hostage taking? What hostage taking? Oh, on Mom and Dad's anniversary.
Yes, that hostage taking.
Or the time you missed Emily's school play Because your were trapped in a Russian tank.
Fortunately, you sent me the DVD.
You know, for a 6-year-old girl, Emily was a great Geppetto.
She worked so hard on that accent.
Yeah, I know.
You mentioned in the DVD extras.
And don't get me started on missing my jazz choir.
Look, I'll be there.
Cross my heart, hope to die.
Maybe more the latter, but what can ya do? Yes, hello.
I'm looking for Mary-Elizabeth.
I'm sorry.
She's living in a convent.
Oh.
It's Sister Mary-Elizabeth now.
That's correct.
Well, then, who are you? Hello? Hel-- - You okay? - Bapteme! No, just frustrated.
It's so hot in here without the ventilation.
- Where did youget that? - Hm? Uh, in the lab.
I'd get you one, but it's not very good.
It tastes nothing like vanilla.
Excuse me.
Can I have your attention? In a few hours, it's likely that you'll all be dead.
That came out less inspirational than I had hoped.
You may be gone, but you will not be forgotten, Because I'm going to create A slide show.
Hey, guys, I've done it.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
I said slide show.
I wasn't sure I could pull it off, But there was just enough for four capsules, One for each of us.
Great.
I can make it to my sister's.
I can save my Doomsday Kit.
I can impregnate a woman, myself.
And I can see a touching audio visual presentation go out the window.
Now, put the capsule in your mouth.
But before you swallow, make sure to bite down on the cap.
And if I did my job right, In about five minutes we'll all be dead.
What the hell? What are you doing? Don't waste them! What's in these? Cyanide, more or less.
And a bit of Ecstasy to cut the edge.
Are you crazy? Wait.
Where'd you get the Ecstasy? The stripper left his jacket.
This is going to be ugly, people.
Paralysis, Convulsions, Brain spasms, Liquefaction of eyeballs! Okay, I think we get it.
We're not taking these.
Atta girl, Alex.
That's the spirit.
We are going to live! We are going to come up with an antidote, somehow.
Everybody say "brain spasm.
" I'm just setting aside a little treat.
And when this is all over, I will reward myself with it.
Nice.
If you weren't going to be dead soon, You would make a great mother for my child.
Um, that's-that's sort of an off-side thing to say To your boss, but thank you.
You don't want to give it a shot just in case, do you? Further off-side.
- I feel sick.
- Blame Alex.
You'd be enjoying the peaceful sleep of death if it were up to me.
No.
I mean I can't get into that goddamn box.
Cigar looks good, bottle seems intact.
Just run an analysis on the wine.
Tannin levels are perfect.
Don't tell me that.
This is Claude's Doomsday Kit.
Claude, tell us what inspired this box of priceless treasures.
Get that out of my face.
Oh, that's our Claude, the lovable curmudgeon.
Claude, how long have you been-- Wow, are all those kids yours, or are you running a daycare? - They certainly all have your eyebrow.
- N'udu.
How goes the baby game? Is there no one who wants to be impregnated By a stranger on short notice? Ah, women.
You know what I've discovered? You don't actually need them to reproduce.
Check this out.
I made you a computer baby.
- Aww, look at him.
- Yeah, Little Burt.
- We're not calling him Burt.
- Call him whatever you want.
- N'udu.
- Okay.
- I don't want red hair.
- We can change that.
- And he should be black.
- Yeah, probably.
Hello.
Carol.
Hey.
Um, I know this is a drag, But there's a good chance I won't make it tonight.
You have to come.
I know.
It's just something's come up at work.
I knew it.
No, something has actually come up.
I'm not faking.
In fact, there's a good chance I could die.
You can just say you don't wanna come to the party.
- What party? - Oh, like you didn't know.
Mom and Dad not answering, no one around on your birthday.
You're throwing me a surprise party.
Yeah.
Except you're not coming because you're "dying.
" Look, I'm really sorry about this.
Can I talk to Mom and Dad, You know, before I bite it? They went to pick up the cake, The cake you're not going to eat because You're trapped in some volcano full of rabid scorpions.
Or on a space jet, flying into a wormhole.
Look, I will try to be there.
Maybe Uncle Bill can convince you to come.
No, don't put me on the phone with Uncle Bill.
Hey, Alex.
Aaaah.
What is this made out of? I don't know.
I bought it 20 years ago at Den for Men.
Here, I can open it.
Oh, oh, oh.
Please don't.
There's a bottle in there.
I'll be careful.
Oh, God.
You just need to know where to hit it.
Get the right angle.
No room for error.
- Maybe there's room for a little error.
- Stop! Gimme that! That's open! Okay.
Okay.
Which one of you did it? Did what? All day I have been trying to be positive.
I hate my birthday, then I get poisoned.
And I think, it's okay.
Stay positive.
Make the best of it.
Save a piece of cake for when it's all over, A little treat that says Alex on it.
And one of you ate it! Is your name Alex? No.
It's okay, Alex.
It's okay.
I think I know what could turn that frown upside down.
BURT'S VOICE: Question: What are friends? Answer: People who have your back, People who care for you, People who make you live, love, laugh.
Good friends, Good job, Good food.
I knew it.
I'm sorry, Alex.
I had to get that popsicle flavour out of my mouth.
Ssshh! You'll ruin the slide show.
Walk into the light.
Rest in peace, NISA Team.
Good luck on the ultimate mission.
Good news! The Hazmat team came through with an antidote.
An antidote, really? It's only a beta formula, So they'd like to test it out on you guys Before they give it to the Prime Minister's huskies.
We'll take our chances.
Let's do it.
Great! One other thing.
They could only produce three doses.
I hate birthdays.
Well, it's simple, One for each of you.
I don't think so.
Antidotes developed in the field are notoriously ineffective.
Okay, you, N'udu, JoJo, take these.
I've had a good life, good career.
I'll take my chances.
, I'm sorry, Claude, I can't let your wisdom And belly of experience be at risk.
I'm a warrior, unafraid of death.
Plus, I accidentally killed my computer child, So now I have nothing to live for.
- Little N'udu's dead? - I forgot to feed him.
Okay, I can't take any more of this.
Oh! Ooww! No.
Hold her down.
Okay, okay.
But let me do it myself.
You're a butcher with those things.
Aah! Sacrifice! What-what-what-what-what did you do that for? No offence, Claude, but it's hard to find good team leaders.
JoJo, do you speak French? Don't worry.
You'll do fine without me.
Any one of these people would make a great leader.
At least three out of four would be a great leader.
Listen, guys, uh, can I have a second with Alex, please? Oh.
Has your hair always looked this fuzzy? Hang in there.
You gotta get through this.
Listen to me.
Look, you're one of my best agents, Alex.
I mean you're bright, hardworking, thoughtful, beautiful.
Are you hitting on me? Now? I don't want to lose you, as an agent, But also as a, as a person.
Yeah, I really think you're great, Alex.
You know, and I know that we've never slept together, But, believe me, I-I've wanted to, Ha, lotsa times, but, well, you're just, You're too good to just have sex with.
This isn't really coming out right.
I care for you, so please don't die.
Okay? Peter, that's sweet of you to say.
And I've always wanted to say something to you, too.
I-- Ooh.
What? What? No.
No, no! What? Oh, my God.
This is the afterlife and I'm sleeping with Burt.
It's okay.
Not really.
Don't worry.
You're in the NISA infirmary.
You're going to be okay.
But how did-- We were able to give you a transfusion, from Burt.
He saved your life.
Oh.
Great.
Thanks.
So just to be clear, I have Burt's blood in me now? Yep, I'm in you.
You can probably feel me.
Hey, I wonder if we'll be able to read each other's minds.
I'm sorry.
It was our only option.
I'm concentrating on moving your left foot.
Can you feel that? You made it.
- Well, it's good to have you back.
- Thanks.
You feeling okay? Yeah.
Rest up.
You've been through a lot and there's probably A lot of things you don't even remember.
Do you remember things like, uh, What you were gonna say before you passed out? Look, it was a little crazy.
People say stuff.
Yeah.
I-I could see you were a little freaked out, So I was just trying to motivate you to push through.
Of course.
And I was responding in some way I totally don't remember.
Hm.
Okay.
Well, good job.
Alex, your sister's on the phone.
She wants to know if you're coming to dinner.
Aach, tell her I'm dead.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven