Joan of Arcadia s01e13 Episode Script

Ah, eureka! How'd you do that? It's a chemical equation.
It's all about conducting heat.
Joan, you're not going to get any molecular movement with Teflon.
You learned how to cook in AP Chem.
? Since when? The whole flame on the flask idea? That's cooking.
All I learned in there is how to make soap.
Looks like what you're doing right now.
Ok, who wrecked a car, flunked a class? Mom! Dad! Jeez, why are you up? You guys always sleep in late on Saturday.
We smelled smells, and since I'm usually the smell maker in the kitchen, we got suspicious.
Are those flowers? Weeds.
Have a seat.
We're preparing a surprise.
Coffee, anyone? I'd love some.
Does anyone know how to make coffee? I'll do it.
No, no, no, no.
Sit down.
Luke, how many cakes you got going there? One, but it's perfect.
Why don't we skip right over the meal part and get to the point? Um we've been thinking-- oh, that's a dangerous proposition.
Will.
I was having a flying dream.
The point is, you guys used to go away for a married weekend once a year-- whatever that means.
Please don't tell me.
We noticed you haven't done that in a while, and given dad's had a hard time at his job lately, and almost dying and all and getting fired-- - He wasn't fired.
- I wasn't fired.
Uh, right.
Ok.
Well, the point is, we think you should do that again-- that is, go away and do whatever it is you do, and again, please don't elaborate.
"This certificate entitles you to a weekend of full-service treatment at the willow hills spa and well-being center.
" A spa? It's a nice idea, but we can't.
Why not? I'm starting my new position.
Who'll watch the kids? I don't spa.
Will, think of it as sleeping in.
Would I have to get a facial? No, you can sit at the pool and read books all day long.
Oh, come on.
Let's do it.
The kids are right.
We haven't had the married weekend for a long time.
Strip scrabble.
Over sharing! Take it or leave it.
We'll take it.
Eew.
Hey! Hi.
Uh, what's up with your mom? She signed my late slip no questions asked.
It's too creepy to discuss.
Your parents are getting divorced? Worse.
They're going on a married weekend, something the siblings and I devised thinking we were helping the universe.
They've been goofy about it for days, smiling.
Note to self-- do not encourage parental unity.
That was a nice thing to do.
Adam, they've been packing and saying things like, should we even bother to bring real clothes?" "Are we even going to leave the room?" Well, you're promoting true intimacy, yo.
It's my parents.
Well, what about us? What about us? What about us? What about us? What about us? Is it just me, or is this going nowhere? Good news for AP Modern man.
Anti-drug lecture in multi-purpose room trumps homeroom.
Drugs? Who even cares? It's getting us out of homeroom.
Price's idea? Mrs.
Girardi's, apparently.
Why do they let her have ideas? Your brain is an elaborate network of chemicals, all firing and misfiring, working it out in perfect unison, like a dance.
To introduce illegal pharmaceuticals, whether it be Pot or Crystal Meth.
or Ecstasy, is to interfere with a perfect system.
And if you interfere with it long enough, the whole system ceases to work.
Your brain, as it occurs in this moment, is perfect.
Try not to interfere with your body's most intricate system.
Romantic love, for example, relies on a healthy breeding ground.
Romantic love is a kind of mental illness.
You all probably know something about that.
Should any of you be so fortunate as to experience a good kiss this year, you would know what I mean when I say the pineal gland opens up and releases valuable hormones.
Your loins-- uh, let us say our thanks to Dr.
Halliwell for his insight into human behaviour.
Dennis, the lights, please.
Thank you.
Did you like my speech, Joan? Drugs are bad? That's not a new message.
And since you're here, you invented drugs, didn't you? I invented rattlesnakes.
Doesn't mean I want you playing around with them.
Well, I don't do drugs, so what's your assignment? You want me to keep not doing drugs? Not a bad assignment, but here's the thing.
You've done a lot of hard jobs for me lately, so don't be surprised if I ask you to do something fun.
But see, nobody thinks of you as fun.
And that's the problem.
Bye.
Oh, and you're fun-ny.
I don't have to go.
My wife would understand.
Will, I've been married.
They understand until they don't.
Then they pack.
I hate spas.
I think you should go.
We don't have anything we can't put on the back burner, do we, Sergeant Williams? No, sir.
The meth lab.
There's a meth lab? There's always a meth lab.
Sergeant Williams and I have been stalking one in particular.
Where are we on it? About to move in, but, um, it can wait.
Can the meth lab wait? This is a good one.
We've had some trouble nailing it down, but we've come up with some goods on it.
We're ready to raid it.
Tell me, can it wait? They exist on wheels.
They are always prepared to move.
I don't like strangers touching me.
My wife will understand.
Ok, I'm making a judgment call here.
Will, go away with your wife.
Toni, keep an eye on the lab, and we'll move if we have to.
I don't think you should try it without me.
I've brought a few of these down.
So we'll keep an eye out, and if we decide to move, we can call you.
They do allow cell phones at this spa? One can only hope.
You're too good for this.
Excuse me? This research that you wrote up on shoes and how they define a person? It made me laugh.
Glad to be of service.
You should be writing essays.
I should be playing ball for Arizona.
What's your point? Kevin, you have a real talent for writing.
I know this because judging writing's what I do for a living.
You're wasted here.
Are you firing me? I'm asking you to reach.
Well, I don't feel like reaching.
Whatever you and I have going on is a matter for the universe to handle.
You're a born writer.
Well, isn't that a nice way out.
Do you have any idea how many able-bodied people would kill for your skill as a writer? No.
Tell me.
Tell me.
I'm attracted to you.
You're attracted to me.
Big deal.
Isn't there a larger question to answer? Be who you are, Kevin.
I'll support it.
But what if I just want to kiss you? You'll have to catch me first.
I'm in good shape.
I've been playing basketball.
Errrgh.
Hey.
Dude, what did you do to Rove? Nothing.
Why? He's always been about you, ok, but now he thinks you're like a couple.
Oh, yeah.
I don't advocate for teenage love, but I've known the dude since preschool.
He's stupid about you.
I didn't do anything.
Well, you kissed him.
He kissed me, technically speaking.
Good luck with that.
Dude, your parents are out of town? Go away.
Listen, your parents are going away this weekend? Don't make me beat you.
You know what you do when your folks are out of town? Have a party, girlfriend.
Who are you? Have a party.
Right.
You're you.
Just have a party.
That's what kids do.
Oh, this is the fun part.
The dead sea mud wrap.
Your body will be gently dry brushed to eliminate surface toxins and to exfoliate dead skin cells.
Then you are wrapped in a warm mixture of mud, essential oils, and seaweed.
" This sounds like something I would pay to avoid.
You don't have to spa.
But I have to go.
That wasn't a question.
I'mlooking forward to it.
It's just that I'm concerned about being away from work right now.
You're afraid they'll replace you? Roebuck needs my guidance.
It's a weekend, will, and I'm starting to get hurt that you don't value some alone time with me.
Right now it's hurt, but it's one gripe away from being pissed.
I'm sorry.
I really need to get away, and the kids did this for us.
They want it.
They want us to be in love again, no matter how much they complain.
In love again? I mean in an obvious way.
Well, we couldn't be obviously in love at a golf resort? That's all I'm saying.
Next time.
And you promise I won't have to get wrapped up in anything? Nothing you don't like.
I still say what you gain in the convenience factor is lost in the crispiness factor.
You realize no one's listening to you.
No one ever listens to me, and yet I talk.
Whatever, Shakespeare.
Listen we need to make a plan.
I have a plan-- tolerate high school, get into MIT No.
We need a plan for this weekend.
The parentals are out of town, right? So what do the kids do when the parentals go away? Stay up late, play video games, leave dishes in the sink.
Don't worry.
I'm all over this.
Luke, I need you to be a little more ambitious here.
I'm thinkinga party.
A party? Like with kids our age? No, like with a bouncy castle.
Yes, dawg boy.
A party with actual people of the opposite sex likeGrace Polk.
I admit I'm intrigued, but who'd come? I don't know.
Don't these things just kind of happen? All I need you to do is take care of the music.
Did mom and dad approve this? Of course not.
It's clandestine.
Well, what about Kevin? I mean, isn't he supposed to be in charge? It's Saturday night.
His basketball night.
He goes out with the guys after and never gets home before midnight.
We'll kick everyone out by then.
Ok, what about food and stuff? Huge bag of chips.
Beverages I need to think about.
Hey.
Do I detect bacon? Uh, yeah, sure.
It's yours.
What's up? Nothing.
Uh, we were discussing chemistry.
Forget it.
What? You're not having a party.
Ha ha! A party.
That's a good one.
You think I haven't been your age? Kevin, look at us.
Rocket boy and the sub-defective.
Like we even have anyone to invite.
That's true.
I'm reassured.
Well, hey, it's not that unthinkable.
You have all our numbers, including dad's cell and pager.
Do your homework, get to school on time, and I think this goes without saying-- no parties.
I've already covered this.
They are very unpopular.
Oh, good.
Really? Let's go.
There's going to be traffic.
Kevin's in charge.
Is that clear? Enjoy your body treatments.
No one's getting wrapped.
I might.
They'll never make it the whole weekend.
Sure they will.
I have an idea.
Mm-hmm.
We take the research piece that you did, and turn it into an essay.
And why would we do that? So I can run it in the arts and entertainment section next Sunday.
I want you to lead with the idea that a teenage boy's sneakers are the equivalent to his first car.
Whoa.
You're talking about me writing a piece with a byline and everything? I'm not a writer.
Sure you are.
But essay writing? That's, like, the best job.
You have staffers elbowing for that.
Right.
I'm a fact checker.
Kevin, I am offering you an opportunity here.
My advice is to take it.
Let me handle the infighting.
I'll help you with it.
How aboutSaturday night? I can't.
It's basketball night.
I could cancel basketball? Thank you.
We'll start around 6:00 when the day shift clocks out.
Maybe we should pass out fliers.
Right, right.
Then Price finds out and shuts us down.
I don't think we can rely on word of mouth.
In case you haven't noticed, we're not cool.
I thought you were cool.
No, I'm not.
Oh, we're in big trouble then.
Are you guys having a party? What? It's all over school-- big party at Girardi's house tomorrow night.
I told Friedman, and nobody listens to him.
So am I invited, or what? Well, of course.
I hate parties.
It's a different kind of party.
Latest head count's 75.
Were you expecting zoo animals? Whoa, w-w-wait a minute.
We haven't even talked about this.
What are we gonna serve? I heard there was gonna be a keg.
Possibly 2.
Every party needs a keg.
Gerardi, you do know what you're getting into? Of course I do.
Yo, Jane you're having a party? Ha ha.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Am I invited? Sure.
I want you to come.
Am I coming as a guy who knows the girl who's throwing the party? or maybe we should talk about this later.
Talk about what? Chemistry, yo.
I wonder if the sound of ringing up our credit card will be too much for them.
Shh.
Hello.
Allow me to welcome you to the willow hills spa and well-being center.
Do you have luggage? Yeah, we have some bags in the car.
No need to shout, sir.
Reservation for 2.
Oh, yes.
I see you here.
If I can just make an imprint of your credit card.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you carrying a firearm? Yes.
I'm a police officer.
This is a peaceful atmosphere.
We don't allow guns.
It's an aspect of my profession.
Be that as it may, we don't allow weapons.
I'm a police officer.
Be that as it may, sir.
Why does he keep saying that? You can leave it in the car.
No, I can't.
This is a spa, sir.
The last time I surrendered my weapon, I nearly died.
Be that as it may.
I'm a police officer, for god's sake.
We have to ask you to lock your weapon in our safe, and even in doing that, we will be violating certain agreements.
I'm not surrendering my weapon again.
Violence offends us.
It offends me, too, which is why I won't give up my weapon.
Take us or leave us.
I hear they have really good food here.
Every day, cheese, butter, milk, and cream.
Finally, I said enough.
I thought this was a quiet place.
Will.
My sinuses are as open as a church on Christmas.
Just listen to me breathe.
You hear how the air moves in and out? I'd like to move his air in and out.
I think I'll sign us both up for the Native American treatment.
What's that? They gently drag us through the sand by our hair until our skin is flayed? And then later, we're gently reassigned to gambling casinos in Arizona.
Helen, I don't spa well.
This you know.
Ok, I will sign you up for a basic aromatherapy massage.
Aromatherapy? And all that red meat you were feeding me? That's what caused my colon crisis.
I'm lucky I'm not dead because of the red meat.
Colon crisis? Keep it together.
Here's your chai tea.
Do I really need to hear about his colon crisis? Will! He's talking about his ass in public, and you're my wife.
Hey! Hey, roscoe! Yeah, talk Loud.
I'm in the healing waters here.
Load me up on the pharmaco.
Yeah, and don't short me.
Right, I know it's a risk.
What the hell's another condo in Florida? You know what I'm saying? Excuse me, sir? This is a quiet place.
Will! Hold on, roscoe.
What was that? Nothing.
It's just that when they asked me to check my gun, they explained it was because this is a quiet, peace-loving place.
So why do I have to hear about your stock portfolios, let alone your colon crisis? You had to check your gun? Who are you? Here, honey.
Chai tea.
Never mind him.
That's right.
Never mind me.
Hey, listen, buddy, I have a right to talk.
I'm conducting business here.
Maybe you're free to lounge around, but some of us, we have to work for a living.
Oh, I don't work for a living? No, no, no, no.
I'm still here, roscoe.
There's some girly man here in the spa who's in my face, like I need this.
Helen.
Will.
Go on.
Have a seat.
Have a seat.
This is a bad idea.
We're having a party, dude.
You can't have a party without beverages.
Joan, we're underage.
Oh, like this whole thing was my idea? If it wasn't your idea, then whose-- look, just go to the snack section, ok? Hi.
I need a kegor 2.
Uh, you sell those, right? Yep.
It's for an office party, at the place where I work with people my age.
Older people.
Um, so how much for a keg, and do you deliver? I need to see some I.
D.
Oh come on I'm 23.
I'll pay you in cash.
There's something in it for you? Fraud and bribery.
Not bad for a 16-year-old.
God smokes? I don't inhale.
What makes you think you need beer for a party? The kids at school-- What do you think about bean dip? It's a cliche, but, you know, it's a crowd-pleaser.
Let's go.
We're not buying anything from here.
We aren't? No.
The master of the universe here carded me.
I told you that office party scheme wouldn't fly.
Joan? You did invite Adam? Sure.
And he realizes you're inviting him? As in a date? Figure it out.
- I'm sorry.
He's approving the guest list? - One foot in front of the other.
It is a split infinitive! It's what I wanted to say! Well, I'm all for that, but can't you say what you want without violating the English language? Well, I don't know.
I don't have a big honkin' education like you do.
Oh, please.
You're gonna have to try harder than that.
She'll call back.
Stay focused.
What she? I'm in charge of my siblings this weekend.
My parents are out of town.
Your siblings? I'm in charge.
Do you really care if they have a party? I'm supposed to.
Here's what you're in charge of-- your career.
That is what I am trying to give you, but if you don't want it, I can't help you.
Who says I don't want it? Don't make trouble.
Are we even talking about the article anymore? Yes, we are.
You, uh, here for a treatment? Yes.
Me, too.
Are we supposed to ring a bell or anything? This is the quiet room.
Right.
So if we just stay quiet, somebody will come and get us? That's the idea.
What are you having? Shutup.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
Who are these people? I have no idea.
They must be popular.
Did you pay them? No.
I considered it.
Looks like they're actually dancing and having fun.
Isn't this what you expected? Hey, I just do what I'm told, dude.
Look, grace is here.
Hi.
Uh, Luke will take your coats.
What am I? Fascinating.
It's like A druid solstice ritual without the viscera.
Stick around.
The night is young.
I need salt.
Hey.
Hi.
I have to host, so sure.
Ok.
Hey! There are plenty of chips in the living room, ok? This is like people food.
Dude, check out my bratwurst.
Hey, hey, that is my dad's Italian salami that he has flown in from, like, new jersey.
Um, if you order a pizza, everyone will calm down.
Pizza? That works? Somehow, it soothes the savage breast.
Yeah.
Hold that thought.
Grace, can you-- can you help here? Apparently not.
Hello? Hey, dude.
Kevin, hey.
What's goin' on? Oh, you know, man.
Just, um, raiding the fridge.
With who? Uh, Grace.
Grace is here, and Adam's here somewhere.
Sounds loud.
You guys aren't doing anything stupid, are you? No, definitely not.
Good, because I'd hate to have to come and check on you.
And I'd hate to find a party in the house.
And Id hate to have to tell mom and dad.
Everything's fine.
God, Kevin, you know me.
I'm more responsible than Margaret Thatcher.
Yeah, well, keep it that way, or else I'm coming home.
Don't worry.
Dude, champagne! Will? Is this a bad time? Uh, well, it's a quiet time.
I won't keep you.
I just wanted to let you know, we're moving on this meth lab.
What?! Roebuck made the call.
They got tipped off, and they're packing up.
We have to go in tonight.
I'm uncomfortable with this.
Let me talk to roebuck.
He's at the station.
I'm here with Carlisle.
Will, he left it up to me.
Are you telling me to back off? Dammit! I'm s-- I'm saying wait.
Wait at least an hour until I can get to a real phone or a real place.
Ok, buddy! Off, now! Please, I'm a cop.
I'm an investment banker, and you shut me down.
And this is the quiet room.
I know it's the quiet room.
That's why I'm being quiet.
I'll take care of this.
I know the manager, all right? Fine.
Just get out of my face.
I'd just walk away if I were you.
Give me that-- Ordinarily, we would ask you to leave.
Such is our policy for anyone who participates in acts even remotely related to violence here at willow hills spa and well-being center.
But because of the hour and the fact that you're paid in full, we will grant a dispensation.
He started it.
I don't care who started it, sir! You participated.
And I've had my eye on you from the beginning.
Oh, yes, Mr.
Gun-in-your-armpit.
It was on my belt.
He is a cop.
Yes.
Everyone is painfully aware.
Now, I'm respectfully requesting that you remain in your room for the rest of the evening and that you leave first thing tomorrow morning.
He's grounding us? If that's how you choose to see it.
Why don't we just leave? And give him the satisfaction? I was thinking of my satisfaction, but apparently I'm the only one.
I'm sorry, honey.
There was a situation.
Be that as it may-- oh, shut up! Look, you hate being here.
You didn't wanna come.
Obviously, spending some quiet time with me is not top of your list-- Helen, you're wrong about that.
And please don't use the word quiet.
Let's just forget it and get outta here.
It's late.
You're tired.
I'm tired.
Let's stay.
Can we order room service? We do not offer room service.
There's a delicious vegan restaurant on the premises, but--oops.
I forgot.
You're forbidden to go there.
If you're hungry, I suggest you just chew on the consequences of your actions.
Chew on the consequences of your actions? I'm still mad at you.
Oh, man.
Here's Luke in a little Dalmatian outfit.
Oh! Look at his little ears! It was Halloween.
I was 3! Put that away-- hey--let me see.
The colour palette suits you.
Dude, your sister's, like, naked.
She's a baby! Hey! What are you doing? No, no, no! Gimme those! Get out! Get out! Luke, people are raiding the liquor cabinet.
Yeah, I know.
Why didn't you stop them? Like I can.
Look at the legs on her.
Are those my baby pictures? Impressive use of fat.
This is a nightmare! Hey.
Do you wanna dance? What?! Uhdance.
With me.
Adam, I can't! I'm at a party here, ok? Just thought I'd ask.
Sure are makin' a lot of marks.
It's just editorial.
It's really good, Kevin.
Really? Yeah.
Make these changes and file it.
You're not just cutting me a break? No, of course not, because you're the, uhperson who doesn't cut me a break.
Thank you for trusting me.
Uh, don't make me get up out of this chair.
I'm handicapped, not stupid.
I know better than to let a beautiful woman walk away.
We work together.
So? So it would be professionally unsound.
I've done stupider things.
It doesn't matter how much you weigh.
I can't feel it.
Thanks forthis.
For everything.
I mean it.
You're welcome.
I mean it.
So we goin' in? I'm still waiting for the call.
He's not the chief anymore.
Williams.
I'm on a stakeout.
Are you really calling me on a noise complaint? That's Will Girardi's address.
I don't know.
I'll take care of it.
Are we really leaving this on a noise complaint? It's our boss' house.
It could be noise.
It could be something else.
And that's a "q," and that's 24 points, and if I understand the rules, you should be removing something right now.
I'm still mad at you.
No, you're not.
You don't understand.
You weren't there.
You punched out a guy in a robe! Hey, I was in a robe, too.
That is just not like you, will.
Nothing since you were taken hostage has been like you.
Oh, really? Is this what they call post-traumatic stress? Like I care what they call it the man held a gun to my head.
He was about to pull the trigger.
I knew I was gonna die.
So I did the whole life review.
I saw you and the kids.
I said good-bye to you.
I said I'm sorry.
I pictured you all carrying on without me because knew you'd be ok.
What kind of man am I? I was willing to leave my family.
My god.
Will but what could I do? Lets go, Lets Go.
No upstairs.
It's not that kind of party.
Do these things ever end? Eventually people pass out.
Do you wanna dance? No.
I want all these people to go home! Do you want a drink? Love some water.
Done.
Wanna dance? Can I say no? Of course you can.
Come on.
So how did you like your party? I don't.
What's the big idea? The big idea is recreation.
You know what that means? Whatever.
Well, let's break the word down, shall we? Re-create.
To createagain.
Begin again.
To start over.
People need to do that.
Work is fine, but every now and then, you've gotta take a break and re-create.
Adam is confused.
Adam is always confused.
Ok.
Well, you're introducing new levels of confusion.
I'm not ready to couple.
So tell him.
Remember, recreation isn't about relaxing.
It's about re-defining.
Redefining what? Whatever's become undefined.
Shouldn't you be a better dancer? Excuse me.
your almightiness.
I'm sergeant Williams.
We received a noise complaint.
Think it's about time to break things up.
Thank god.
Everybody, the police are here! Time to get out! Come on! Clear out! Thank you for that.
I work with your father.
Uh, you're not gonna you're not gonna tell him, are you? He has enough on his mind.
Thank you.
A big explosion in arcadia tonight.
An abandoned house literally went up in a mushroom cloud.
Reports just in from Arcadia say that the police were about to move in on this location, which they long suspected to be a Methamphetamine lab Sergeant Williams.
No, will, I'm fine.
Everyone's fine.
Hey.
What are you doing out here? Waiting for my father to pick me up.
Uhare you ok? Yeah, Joan, I'm fine.
I liked it better when you called me Jane.
Those days are over.
Why are you mad at me? I don't know.
Maybe maybe I'm bad at stuff like this.
But we kissed.
It's not exactly like I've kissed a lot of girls.
Maybe I've only kissed one.
Right.
Well, maybe it meant something to me.
Maybe it meant something to me, too.
I don't I don't know what to do with it now.
Me, neither.
You know, maybe it was like that, uh anti-drug guy says.
Romantic love, it's like a mental illness.
It just happens, you know? And then what are you gonna do? Maybe we just aren't ready.
Yeah.
Ok, I accept that.
But were you ready for that other guy? That's different.
Hey you want to dance?