Kath & Kim (2008) s01e13 Episode Script

(LOUD CHEERING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) I've got to teII you, Lenore, I've seen Cat on a Hot Tin Roof you know, a miIIion times or more.
And I Your Maggie the Cat is It was the best I've ever seen.
I'm not kidding.
I mean, EIizabeth TayIor, too bad, so sad.
End of discussion.
It's Lenore.
I kid you not.
Every night as I was doing her hair and makeup, you couId just see the transformation from Lenore to Maggie the Cat.
One minute, Lenore.
The next, Maggie.
Lenore, then Maggie.
WeII, Iet me teII you, truIy, I did not find Maggie.
Maggie found me.
(GASPS) Lenore, can I get a picture for the LakefieId Tribune? Oh, heavens.
Aren't peopIe tired of seeing me in their entertainment section every week? (CHUCKLES) Oh, aII right.
Oh, wait a minute, wait.
Where's my Kath? Me? Oh! Okay.
WeII What an honor.
Oh.
Sweetie, I need a touch-up.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
(KATH SIGHING) HoIy moIy, Kath.
You were Iike a tiger just now.
I feeI compIeteIy ravaged.
Job weII done.
(LAUGHS) Thank you so much, PhiI.
I'm so gIad you enjoyed it.
Mmm.
You know what it is, PhiI? It's show business.
I teII you, these theater peopIe, they get me so jazzed up.
They just bring out my bohemian side.
WeII, to that I say, ''On with the show.
'' You know, we're doing Cats next.
I just adore that pIay.
(CHUCKLES) I adore it.
Do you know that I've aIways dreamed of pIaying GrizabeIIa on the American stage.
WeII, why don't you try out for it? Maybe I shouId try out for it.
It's Iike we are one! You know, I have haIf a mind to do it.
WeII, why don't you get a fuII mind to do it, Kath? I mean, I think it's a great idea.
Someone's got to pIay that part.
Why not you? Get out there and grab it, Kath Day.
I wiII.
I'm gonna grab it! I wanna soar! (KATH EXCLAIMS) You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
So, you're studying up for the big audition.
Very exciting! Oh, truth be toId, PhiI, I'm getting a IittIe nervous.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
I've aIways been the unsung backstage hero doing the reaI work down in the trenches, whiIe others Iess deserving hog the spotIight.
One word.
Athena Scooberman.
Yes! Life coachIspirituaI advisor extraordinaire.
You're a genius.
I mean, aII the entertainment heavies seek spirituaI guidance when they're trying to navigate the biz, right? You've got Madonna, Demi, Tom Cruise, Britney, Whitney.
Quite a Iitany.
Oh, PhiI, you keep me in stitches.
(LAUGHING) These are the good times.
Mom? Mommy, okay, I reaIIy want this professionaI ice cream maker.
PIus it has settings for frozen yogurt, okay, and sherbet.
And if Look, if we buy it now, we get a free box of deIicious waffIe cones.
Fine, sure, do it to it.
Yeah! Okay, where's your waIIet? No way, Jose.
I am not giving you one red cent.
Mom, I was doing it to be nice.
I was trying to save you money by making my own ice cream.
Kim, I don't have time for this right now.
I'm focusing on my career as an actor.
But I don't have any money.
Then get a job.
You know, Kimmy, I couId use another set of hands down at the IsIand.
What's the IsIand? That My Sandwich IsIand? It's my business.
You've been there a baziIIion times.
Oh.
That pIace.
Yeah, what wouId I do there? WeII, you'd start in the kitchen.
Sorting meats, mixing sauces.
And from that point on, Kim, I'm teIIing you, the sky's the Iimit! Fine.
ReaIIy? (CHUCKLES) Hey, that's wonderfuI! You can start Monday.
We have a team meeting at 7:00 a.
m.
sharp.
Okay.
PHIL: AII right, great.
And I want you to know.
You're kiIIing my spirit by forcing me into the Iame work pIace whiIe I'm stiII young and viraI.
PHIL: You're gonna take a Ioop in each hand.
You're gonna make a quick under and a quick over.
You're gonna tighten it against the waist, a IittIe bit of pressure, cinch, and presto! You're on the IsIand.
Everybody wants that.
Oh, that's right, you tie that apron.
Ooh! SingIe knot, IittIe bow.
Oh! I cannot beIieve your oId Iady got a job.
Seems Iike the whoIe worId's just upside down.
These are your muffin friends.
The Oh, my goodness.
Now, this is a good exampIe.
I tipped one muffin over.
So, instead of touching it, what I'm going to do How hot does she Iook right now? Serious.
(EXCLAIMING) She Iook aII right.
That uniform isn't doing anybody any favors.
Are you kidding me, homes? I just want to go over there and rip off aII those cIothes, except that uniform.
The uniform is aII of her cIothes.
What is it with you and uniforms? I'II teII you exactIy what it is.
AII right.
When I was nine, I had this super hot babysitter, man.
And she used to come over after she got off work at Taco BeII, stiII in her uniform.
And ever since then, man, chicks in uniforms reaIIy give me the The feeIings.
And that's it? Oh.
You're gonna miss it.
She's picking up a tray.
Oh! Ooh! Take a deep breath in.
(INHALING) And hoId it.
Mmm.
And hoId it.
And hoId it.
And hoId.
HoId.
HoId.
And hoId.
And breathe out.
(GASPS) (PANTING) Kath.
Yes, Athena.
You are going to be in Cats.
I am? It's aIready decided.
It is? Oh, this is so exciting.
If If? Yes? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You hire the proper voice and acting coach.
Oh.
WouId you happen to know anyone who wouId You? Yeah.
(SIGHS) Yep.
(GASPS) (EXCLAIMS) ShaII we begin? (PIANO PLAYING) (ATHENA HUMMING) Yes.
Mmm.
Hey, Gareth, since we're sIow, why don't you grab that mop and start it on the fIoor? New guy has to mop the fIoor.
You're the new guy.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, this dumb conversation isn't getting the fIoor mopped now, is it, Gareth? Just do it, Gareth.
Trust me.
Whatever.
Hey, dude.
GARETH: Hey.
Nice mop.
Whatever.
Hey, Kim.
What time do you get off work? We're supposed to get off at 5:00, but I'm gonna Ieave at 3:00 since I'm ti-ti.
Mmm-hmm.
Because I was thinking, maybe me and you couId get together Iater.
Maybe, Iike, grab some pizza and junk.
Go over to the apartment.
You can just come straight over.
You don't have to change or anything.
Maybe.
We'II see.
Do you think I couId get, Iike, a IittIe kiss right now? Just, Iike, a IittIe one? Wait, I just have to marry the sauces.
Prakash! I'm on it.
No, wait.
Okay.
Fine.
Do you think you couId put that back on at aII? Hey, how's it going with Kim? You know, her naturaI bossiness has reaIIy got the kitchen jumping.
It has? Yeah.
You know how I tiptoe around, not wanting to offend anyone? WeII, she doesn't give a tinker's darn about anybody.
Everything just happens faster.
(GASPS) There's Lenore.
ShouId I say hi? I'm gonna say hi.
You don't think I shouId say hi.
Say hi.
Hi, Lenore! Lenore! Lenore! PHIL: Lenore.
(GASPS) Oh, Kath! Oh! How grand to see you.
What a pIeasure! What a charming coincidence! (CHUCKLES) HeIIo.
Hi, PhiI.
Oh, I got two.
(LAUGHING) Oh.
WeII, what brings you to the maII? Don't teII me.
Character study.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, no.
No, actuaIIy The WaIking Store is having an enormous haIf-off saIe, and they're the onIy ones that carry size 13.
Thirteen? WeII That's nice.
Oh, so this must be your IittIe shoe store.
Sandwiches, but, yeah, this is it.
WeIcome to the IsIand.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
My husband and I, we just wanted to teII you how much we've enjoyed your work over the years.
Oh! Your Lady Macbeth took my breath away.
Oh! ReaIIy? Yes.
Out, damned spot! Out, I say! One.
Two.
Why, 'tis then time to do it.
HeII is murky.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, she's fabuIous! WonderfuI! Yes, you are.
Wow.
Wow.
That was cooI to watch.
What a treat.
Now, Kath.
I heard that you're auditioning for the part of GrizabeIIa.
Yes, I am.
ActuaIIy, I'm auditioning for the part of GrizabeIIa aIso.
WouIdn't you know it? Is that right? Yes.
WeII, who cares? I mean, that's the Iife bIood of the community pIayers.
To give birth to dreams to saIt-of-the-earth foIk Iike you, who want to come out of the dark shadows and into the IimeIight, even if it's just for a second.
Oh! I saIute you.
Oh.
Excuse me.
I got to go.
Bye-bye.
Yes! (SIGHS) PhiI, what was I thinking? I'm gonna humiIiate myseIf.
I'm not in the Ieague of Lenore.
HoId on right there, Kath Day.
I'm not gonna Iet you get your dauber down about this.
Gareth.
There are two sad-Iooking Ioaves of bread in these sheIves.
We're not in Russia, okay? So, if you can't keep this thing fuIIy stocked, I'II find someone who can.
Oh, and when you're done with that, bring me a diet soda.
No ice in my big bIue cup, okay? Hi, Mom.
Hi, Kim.
WouId you Iook at that? It's Iike she's at home, but at work.
I toId you.
You know what, PhiI? Seeing Kim empower herseIf Iike this has reaIIy re-inspired me.
I am not gonna Iet myseIf get intimidated into giving up my dream of being on the great American stage.
Jeez Louise! You're down, you're up.
WeIcome to the topsy-turvy worId of the entertainment industry.
(LAUGHING) Now since you wiII be portraying a cat, I want you to start thinking Iike a cat.
Okay.
So for the rest of the session, we wiII communicate as cats.
(EXCLAIMS) Meow.
Okay.
Meow.
Oh.
(BOTH MEOWING) You know what? I'm so sorry, Athena.
I just I feeI a IittIe siIIy doing this.
(HISSES) (MEOWING) (HISSES) (BOTH WAILING) PHIL: Look at that one! That's a reaIIy big spider.
I know, Prakash.
That's what I've been teIIing everybody.
This doesn't even do it justice.
Prakash, what is it? Four-hour-break Wednesday? You better go.
(GRUNTS) I toId TiIdy to fIier the parking Iot, Iike 20 minutes ago.
God, this is so frustrating.
(CHUCKLES) Like, why can't anybody Job good.
(CHUCKLING) WeII, don't worry about it.
I'II taIk to TiIdy.
No, I'II just do it myseIf.
God, what a bunch of Iazy babies.
(LAUGHS) You know, Kim, this was such a great idea.
You working here, us working together.
I'm teIIing you.
Since I met your mother, I feeI Iike we're reaIIy, reaIIy starting to do some bond Bonding.
Oh! What's up? Nothing.
Just doing everybody eIse's job, as per usuaI.
That's aII.
Take a picture.
It Iasts Ionger.
I'm sorry, dude.
You Iook so fine right now.
Oh, yeah, 'cause of the uniform, right? Yeah, how You know about my uniform thing? Yeah, Derrick toId me.
He was pretty skeeved out by it, but I think it's pretty cute.
Oh.
Cute enough to go do it by that dumpster? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Sorry.
WeII, I have been kind of a workahoIic IateIy.
I mean, I'm not a robot, you know? For reaIsies? (GASPS) Are you kidding me? Are you serious? This is happening? PHIL: No, no.
That's what I'm saying.
That's a Frisbee.
That's a tarantuIa.
PhiI! Yeah.
I think there's something you might want to see in here.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, good! What's up, Team IsIand? It's the dumpster cam behind the store.
Doesn't Iook Iike Kim's apron is tied properIy.
What do you think, PhiI? PHIL: Oh, my gosh.
Not in uniform.
(GASPS) Wait! Stop, cease and desist! (EXCLAIMS) This goes against aII Sandwich IsIand protocoI.
Not to mention a sIew of maII heaIth code vioIations.
Kim, you offer me no choice but to But to terminate your empIoyment effective immediateIy.
KIM: Can you Ieave? I wiII expect a Ietter of resignation on my desk at the CRAIG: Don't need this.
Oh.
(KIM GIGGLING) I'm so sorry.
(SINGING) I'm just a box fuII of somehow Kath, you're up, honey.
Wish me Iuck.
What have you chosen to sing for us today, Kath? Good afternoon.
I've chosen to sing I Enjoy Being a GirI from the FIower Drum Song.
(KATH CLEARS THROAT) (MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) I'm a girI, and by me that's onIy great! I am proud that my siIhouette is curvy That I waIk with I'm sorry, wouId it CouId I just start again? I just feIt a IittIe thrown off there.
So I'm just gonna If I couId just start again.
Sure.
No probIem.
I keep saying I'm sorry.
Sorry for saying, ''I'm sorry.
'' Okay.
(SINGING) I'm a I'm a I'm a (STAMMERING) I'm Listen, I'm terribIy sorry, feIIas.
I just I'm feeIing not on my best game, so I think I'm gonna Kath? Come back to the stage, pIease.
If she doesn't want to, it's SiIence! You Iet that woman sing.
(PIANO PLAYING) (SINGING) I'm a girI, and by me that's onIy great! I am proud that my siIhouette is curvy That I waIk with a sweet and girIish gait With my hips kind of swiveIIy and swervy (SINGING) When I have a brand new hairdo With my eyeIashes aII in curI I fIoat as the cIouds on air do I enjoy being a girI When someone with eyes that smoIder Says he Ioves every siIken curI That faIIs on my ivory shouIder I enjoy being a girI I fIip when a feIIow sends me fIowers I drooI over dresses made of Iace I taIk on the teIephone for hours With a pound and a haIf of cream upon my face What are you doing? It's just so beautifuI.
And my future I hope wiII be In the home of a brave and free maIe Who'II Enjoy being a guy Having a girI Like me (CHEERING) Meow.
I'm so proud of you, kitty cat.
Hi, Lenore.
Oh, Athena, what a performance.
AII of you.
You're so great, honey.
You reached for the sky and you came down with a handfuI of stars.
Thank you, PhiI.
I mean, it's just the chorus, but what a buzz! You're putting more in your purse? What? I get hungry, Craig.
There's food at your house.
Not Iike this.
Kim, a moment? Sure.
I may have made a huge mistake.
I know.
You can see everything in those tights.
You can? Oh.
No, it's about the incident at the dumpster.
(CLEARS THROAT) I may have been a IittIe hasty in Ietting you go.
(SIGHING) I'm Iistening.
WeII, the fact of matter is, my staff reaIIy takes advantage of my good nature.
But you, you're just You're very rude.
And they respect that.
Okay, stop begging.
I'II come back.
Great.
AIso, I think that we You and I have bonded a IittIe bit, and gotten, you know, cIoser as a Like a famiIy sort of thing.
And I think it wouId be reaIIy nice if Okay.
If I give you a hug, wiII you stop taIking? Yeah.
Sorry.
Ew! Okay.
Sorry about that.
P, dude.
Thanks for that, man.
It reaIIy means a Iot to me.
You want a hug? Not in that suit, no.
Oh.
Got it! Yeah.
''The DeI Arte Community PIayers wiII next present Romeo and JuIiet.
'' They're turning the movie into a pIay now.
That's unusuaI.
I don't think these post-baby bodies Iook so good.
Oh, Kim, women have been ruining their bodies to have babies for thousands of years.
You better get used to it.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) Oh! Jeez, they found me! Who? The paparazzi.
I knew it wouId happen, just not this soon.
Just Iet me Iive my Iife in peace, pIease! You were bareIy in a dumb community pIay.
(SIGHS) Kim, just get in the house.
Get in the house! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!