Kevin Can Wait (2016) s01e13 Episode Script

1 Kevin, come in here.
- I'm brushing my teeth.
- No.
Now.
What is it? There's a huge frickin' spider up there.
Well, I'm in the middle of this, so, you got it? Are you kidding me? You're gonna make me do that? Honey, the thing's massive.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Massive? Come on.
- Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
- So - Okay, well, just be careful.
- I will.
- Okay.
All right.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hands out of the cookie jar, Donna, all right? Time and a place.
Well, I'm sorry.
- I'm only human.
- Okay Whoa.
Whoa, that thing is massive.
- That's what I'm saying! - Look at that.
He's got abs.
Yeah.
- Just do it.
- Yeah.
- One good whack.
You know? - Okay.
- But really get it.
Like kapow! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Smack! No mercy! - Hey, hey.
I'll take it from here.
Okay? Here we here we - Oh! - Okay, I nailed it.
- Ooh, where'd it go? - I don't know.
- Where'd it go? - I thought you nailed it.
I don't know.
- Donna, don't move.
- What? - It's in your hair.
Don't - Oh, don't be an idiot.
Donna, it's in your hair.
- [Mocking.]
You're very funny - It flipped back it flipped back - in your hair.
- Oh! Oh! No, no, no! What are you doing?! - I don't know! - Why'd you throw it at me! - Stand still! - Where is it? Ow! - Okay! - Oh! - I got it! - Donna! Donna! What are you, a crazy woman?! I think I got it.
Oh, no.
Oh.
It ran under the bed.
- Okay.
I'm out.
That's it.
- What? Where are you going? I'm not sleeping here.
He knows what I look like.
I am not your ordinary guy Oh, hey, honey.
You want breakfast? Uh, thinking about going for a run.
Okay.
I thought about it.
I'm gonna have breakfast.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna go for a run.
You sure about that, Dad? Last time you went for a run, you passed out, and Jack had to give you a ride home on his bike.
Yeah, you sat on my handlebars.
- It still doesn't ride straight.
- Okay, all right.
Hey, don't miss the bus.
I'll clear, okay? - Love you, guys.
- Bye.
Yeah, you know what? - I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna go for a run.
- Okay.
They say if you don't do something in the first 20 seconds of thinking of it, - you'll never do it.
- There you go.
Ooh.
I'm, like, a minute and a half in.
Did you make sausage? [Exhales.]
Morning.
- Hey! - Whoa.
Look at you.
You look great.
Thank you.
It's for school.
I have a mock trial today.
Death penalty case.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
Well, go get 'em.
I hope he fries.
Actually, I'm defending him.
Oh.
Well, from what I hear, he's guilty, so Hey, um, have you guys seen Chale this morning? No.
That's weird.
He wasn't around last night either.
What? You think he moved back to England? No.
No, he's just been out a lot lately these last few weeks.
- So where's he been? - I don't know.
Well, have you talked to him? No, because our relationship is built on mutual respect.
Oh, boy.
- Kevin.
- What? I'm just sayin'.
Look, if if you want me to talk to him, I'll find out what's going on.
He might be running around on her.
You don't know.
You put the squeeze on the guy.
That's all.
Dad, no.
Chale is not out running around on me.
Of course he's not.
Oh, please, girls.
Let's not be so naive.
All right? I mean, British men may row boats and play cricket, but they're still men, all right? Okay, Dad, please stay out of this.
Chale and I do not check up or keep tabs, you know? We trust each other unconditionally.
Oh, boy.
I promise you, we're staying out of it.
Okay? Right, Kevin? - Yeah, all right.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Okay, I gotta go.
Love you guys.
- Okay.
- Love you.
- Love you.
You find out what he's up to.
Do whatever it takes.
Oh, I'm putting the squeeze on him.
I said whatever it takes.
- [Switch clicks.]
- Oh! What's up, pussycat? Mr.
Gable.
What are you doing in here? Why don't you sit down? I'm gonna ask you some questions.
I want some straight answers, you got me? Certainly.
Last Tuesday night, where were you? - Here.
- No.
Tuesday.
Here.
Remember? We had tacos.
No.
That was Thursday.
No.
Tuesday.
That's why they call it "Taco Tuesday.
" That was two weeks ago.
No, that was last week.
What what's today? Is today today the first? It's the third.
Why is the date on my phone wrong? - Have you done the new update? - No.
I hate the stupid updates.
I I don't even do it.
- I'll do it for you.
It's quite easy.
- [Groans.]
I can't stand that crap.
Anyway, Kendra says you haven't been around for the last few nights.
What's going on? Oh, I was hoping she hadn't noticed.
You've got a lot of apps on here.
- Do you need all of these? - No.
I don't know how they even got on there.
Just get rid of them all.
So what's happening? Well, every night, I've been working at the mobile phone store at the mall.
Actually, you know what? That one I do wanna keep 'cause, you know what, it shows me the closest deli in any city.
And obviously, your daughter means the world to me so, um, I have been secretly saving money to buy her an engagement ring.
[Exhales.]
Wow.
I was way off.
Well, that's Good for you, Chale.
You know? Actually, I th I thought Kendra's whole thing was she didn't wanna get a ring.
I know.
She always goes on and on about how she doesn't want a symbol of patriarchal society resting on her finger.
But I have learned that sometimes women say one thing they mean the opposite.
As a man who's been married for 22 years, I gotta tell ya, that ain't a rumor.
[Chuckles.]
Here you go.
Thank you.
You know, it's funny, I guess Kendra's just like her mother.
You know, when Donna and I got engaged, we didn't have a lot of money.
So I got her a ring as a placeholder - with a promise to upgrade.
- Ah.
I bet when that happened, she was really ecstatic.
We'll see.
It hasn't happened yet.
Oh Does me getting Kendra a ring make things slightly awkward for you? Like kind of a grisly reminder of promises not kept? A little bit.
[Announcer speaks indistinctly on TV.]
Wow.
Chale really put you on the spot, huh? No.
Actually, he inspired me.
I mean, I promised Donna I'd buy her that ring years ago, and she's just incredible.
She she never brought it up once.
Just gotta figure out a way to come up with 6 grand.
[Cheering on TV, announcer continues.]
Kyle, you been working out? - You look like you dropped some weight.
- Yeah, I don't have any money.
Mott, you been working out? You look like you dropped some weight.
I don't have any money either.
Just for the record, both of you look like you broke out of fat camp, okay? Well, don't you have any savings or something? Yeah, I got savings, but I can't touch it because she goes through every bank statement.
Well, just get the mail before she does.
Actually, you know what? That That might work because by the time she founds out, she'll she'll already have the ring.
Well, lesson here is when I get engaged, I'm gonna run out and buy my girl the biggest rock I can afford.
I'm guessing it's gonna be pretty gigantic considering you've been saving for what? 50 years? 52, and it's gonna happen.
Hey, look, I'm waiting to find Miss Right.
Wherever she is, she's got an unbelievable hiding spot.
- Hey, team.
- Hey, morning.
Ooh, wow, I'm impressed.
Going straight to breakfast? Not even gonna pretend to run today? No.
He's too sore from pretending the other day.
Boom! [Chuckles.]
- Sorry, Dad.
It was teed up.
- Yeah.
Well, payback's coming.
I don't know where and I don't know when, but she's coming.
Well, can you seek revenge on your children a little bit later? - You guys are gonna be late.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Love you.
- Love ya.
Hey, anything new with the Chale thing? - Oh, yeah.
I talked to him.
He's - Yeah? - Totally clean.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
And he fixed my phone.
- Yeah? Yeah, although he set my GPS.
Now it talks like Burgess Meredith.
Yeah.
[Imitates Burgess Meredith.]
You're gonna make a left - at the light! - [Laughs.]
You're fighting bums and you while you're making a left.
[Normal voice.]
Yeah, he did.
It's - Oh.
Ooh, whoa.
What is this? - What? Somehow $6,000 moved from our money market to our checking.
- What are you looking at there? - Our bank statement.
Don't those come in the mail? Well, not for eight years.
We do our banking online.
But somebody moved the money.
Did you do that? No.
No.
Oh, well, then I need to call the bank.
No [Stammers.]
- Uh, did you say 6 grand? - Yeah.
Oh, that that was me, then.
Yeah, I thought you said 60 grand, which - No.
- But I was like What, did somebody slip at a supermarket and I didn't know about it? What were you planning on doing with $6,000? I was gonna buy an ATV.
What? Yeah.
All-terrain vehicle.
- I know what it is.
- It's a four wheeler.
It's like a quad.
You can go up over hills, little ones, and have fun in the backyard.
Have the kids out there, just Okay, I know what it is, honey.
But have you lost your mind? We can't afford that.
Honestly, sometimes, I feel like I'm married to a giant man-baby.
I just thought it would be fun.
Well, so is living in a house and paying our bills.
Okay.
Message received.
But is it? 'Cause I feel like we have this conversation a lot.
Hmm? Now that I know we do our banking online, we won't have it again.
Unbelievable.
Mrs.
Gable, I'm sorry.
I couldn't help overhearing.
I wouldn't be too upset with Mr.
Gable.
Well, I am.
He wants to use our savings to buy, like, a quad-runner.
I don't think that's what he's buying.
What's he buying? Well, I'm not comfortable telling you that.
Mm.
Are you comfortable with me calling immigration? Actually, I have a work visa.
I am aware of the irony.
Chale, just tell me.
Okay.
What? He's madly in love with you and he wants you to know that by buying you a new engagement ring.
- [Gasps.]
- Yes.
- What? - Yes, that's what the money's for.
[Chuckles.]
Oh! And I just yelled at him.
I called him a child.
- Actually, "a giant man-baby"" - Oh, God, right.
Aww! That's the most thoughtful, romantic thing he's done for me in, like, 20 years.
And I told him not to do it.
Oh! And also, is 6 the number? 'Cause, like 10 sounds good.
- [Razor buzzing.]
- [Knock on door.]
- Hey, babe? - Yeah? I was just thinking, and I feel awful - for what I said down there.
- [Razor stops.]
And I'm really sorry.
No, look, you you were right.
We don't need a quad.
No.
No, no, no.
You were right.
You had a plan, and I think you should follow through with it.
- Really? - Yes! If you wanna take a few dollars and splurge on an ATV, then you do it.
Okay, if if I'm hearing you correctly - Mm-hmm - you would be okay with me taking a large sum of money and spending it on a quad? Yes.
Then I will.
Then it's a deal.
- Wait, a quick question.
- Yeah, yeah? Are you drunk? No, but one thing if you need a little bit more than $6,000 to get, like, a really nice quad, then you should do that, you know? I mean, go big or go home, right? [Huffs.]
I mean, I already am home, so might as well go big, right? I just love that we can talk things out like this, you know? Yeah.
Communication.
It's so important.
- Mm.
- Why are you breathing so heavy? 'Cause you take my breath away.
You still gotta get her the ring.
- It's the right thing to do.
- You're not hearing me.
Donna's exact words were, "Buy an ATV.
" You want me to go behind her back? Disobey her? To get her a ring that she may or may not even want? Shame on you, guy.
Shame on you.
Look, I thought you were just trying to do something nice for your wife.
I was.
But then she wanted to do something nice for me.
So if you think about it, I'm actually putting her needs before mine.
Yeah.
You're a real angel, guy.
It's kinda like the man upstairs is telling you forget about the ring, get yourself an ATV that I can ride, too.
Yeah, maybe, but by accepting this miracle quad, I'm actually getting closer to God.
Yeah, especially if you don't wear a helmet.
All right, you know what? You just made top of the list of people who can't ride it.
Hey, if you're gonna have a guilty conscience, - don't come running to me.
- Oh, I'm not gonna come running.
I'm gonna be riding up on my brand-new quad.
Whoo! [Music plays on TV.]
This is fun.
Date night.
We haven't done this in a while.
No, no.
We haven't.
Yeah, you know, it's just so tough because I'm always at school or Enzo's working Well, you know exactly where I am.
[Laughs.]
And lately, you're always, um, where are you? Out doing my thing.
Hmm.
Clears that up.
- Okay, actually, it doesn't.
- [Turns off TV.]
Where have you been? Whoa, uh, I thought that we weren't gonna be one of those clingy, possessive couples always checking up on each other.
Well, we weren't, but now we are.
Where have you been? All right, uh I've been at the cellphone store at the mall trying to make some extra money.
Extra money? All right, some money.
Let's do this now.
What? What are what are you doing? Okay, you you know you already proposed to me, right? I know, but not properly.
Chale, what did you do? Remember the antique setting you loved when we were in Manhattan? I went back and got it.
Now I feel like crap.
Kendra June Gable, will you marry me? Yes.
Yes.
Well, I already said yes.
So yes, I will still marry you.
[Laughs.]
[Inhales sharply.]
Oh.
I love it.
Oh, but, babe, I think the diamond fell out.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
There is no diamond.
Not yet.
Turns out, diamonds wildly expensive.
Well, it's different.
[Chuckles.]
I like to think it looks like the two of us standing there with our arms outstretched reaching for each other.
Yeah, or a catcher's mitt waiting for a fastball.
I know it is not complete, but it will be soon.
- Ow.
- Ow, what? No, it it jabbed me.
The prongs are sticking up where the stone usually goes.
Oh.
We can bend those down.
[Groans.]
Hey, kiddo.
What are you doing up? Eating a bucket of ice cream.
What are you doing? Getting a spoon.
What's the matter? Chale gave me an engagement ring.
Okay, aren't I the one supposed to be upset about that? Look.
Ooh.
Where's the stone? He hasn't gotten it yet.
Okay, do you think it looks like two people with their arms outstretched reaching for each other? No.
It looks like you punched an 8-year-old and his braces got stuck in your knuckle.
So that's why you're bummed out? No.
No, I'm bummed out because of the way I reacted.
I just stared at it.
Come on.
You reacted in the moment.
You're a Gable.
That's what we do.
You remember that Thanksgiving when I was expecting onion dip and your aunt made it with that yogurt instead of sour cream? I said some pretty harsh words.
Have you two patched things up yet? No.
She's a llama.
I can't stand her.
My point is, you know, Chale could've used that money and bought something for himself, but instead, he did something amazing because he loves me and he wanted to make me happy.
Just like if there was something you could do for Mom to make her happy, I know you'd do it in a heartbeat, right? Why are you dragging me into this? I didn't do anything.
[Spoon clinks.]
Honey, you ready? Let's go.
Yeah.
Why are you so dressed up? I just wanted to look nice.
You know, if you start out looking at quads, you never know where the afternoon might take ya.
Okay, let's do it.
Wait, uh, you're not gonna change? Once I get this thing, I'm riding it.
Okay.
I'll play your little game.
[Chuckling.]
- [Gasps.]
- Oh.
Wait.
We're at an ATV store.
Yeah, that's where you go to buy an ATV.
Hold it.
Just So just one more time We're actually here to get an ATV? Babe, I gotta say, for somebody who does their banking online, you're a little slow on the uptake.
Oh, look at the green one.
Look at this one.
Come here.
Check it out.
Stupid Chale.
British idiot.
This is it.
This is the winner right here.
And guess what? Only 8 grand.
8 grand! Oh, this is actually happening.
Oh, uh, but, honey, hey, what about this one? This used one.
Right? Honey, it's cheap.
What? Come on.
Go big or go home.
Right.
I said that.
But I don't know, I mean, look at this.
I like it.
Look, it's like vroom, vroom, vroom! I'm quaddin' now! Right? It's fun.
Stop fooling around.
Come here.
Check this one out.
I want you to see it.
Look at the storage box on this one! [Groans.]
Fine, let's just get one and go home.
What's the matter? I don't wanna cry for reasons I can't explain.
I promise you're gonna feel better in a second.
Just sit on this one and check out the storage bin.
- Check it out.
- No, Kevin, there's something - I need to tell you.
- Well, you can tell me and I will listen as soon as you sit here and open the storage box.
I don't want to! I want to go home.
- Open the storage box! - Fine! [Gasps.]
Oh.
What in the Sam Hill? Oh! Somebody left an engagement ring in an ATV! Wait, what's going on? A long time ago, I promised you a real ring.
And I'm ready to make good on that promise.
Oh, it's beautiful.
- You like it? - I love it.
- Okay.
- I love it.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I love it.
That's not your "I love it" face.
- It isn't, is it? - No.
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but, uh I think I love my old ring better.
What? It's a piece of crap.
Yeah, I was there when we had it appraised.
But it's my piece of crap.
You know, it's got baby food and birthday cake and memories in it.
That's the ring I was wearing when I had to Heimlich you at the Red Lobster.
It was Shrimp Fest.
I was tired of peeling.
It represents us and our amazing family, and there's no ring in the world that I would trade that for.
[Exhales.]
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
You do it right like you did it 22 years ago at the Jiffy Lube.
All right, that was super romantic, right? Hey, hey.
You were totally surprised.
And you remember everybody clapping? Even the guys in the little pit thing were clapping for you.
Yeah, but I think that's 'cause they could see up my dress.
Whatever, they still they clapped.
Donna Gable, you make me so happy.
Will you continue being my wife? Yes.
And will you help me up? My knee's locked.
- My knee's locked! - [Laughs.]
Aw! Did you hear that? Did you hear that? - Okay.
- No, seriously.
That is a noise a knee shouldn't make.
Sounded like someone dropped a fork.
What are you doing? Kevin Gable, will you do me the honor of returning this ring and using the money to buy an ATV? What? No.
- It's what I want.
Please.
- No, no, no.
No.
Will you make me the happiest - woman in the world - Yes, yes, yes! - A million times yes! - [Laughing.]
[Engine roaring.]
Whoo! Come on! We want a turn! - Yeah, you've been hogging it! - Come on, who's next, huh? Huh? Oh! Come on, okay.
- Oh! - Ah! Sweetheart, you don't have to wear it.
Really.
No, no.
I love it.
But just so you know, I'm not my mom, okay? These arms are reaching out for a diamond, not a quad.
- Understood.
- [Screams.]
Come on, Dad, why don't you get off that thing and go for a run like you're always talking about? Boom! Told you payback was comin'! [Engine roaring.]