Kiff (2021) s01e13 Episode Script

Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Yeah! ♪
Kiff! ♪
(chuckles)
(both laughing)
ANNOUNCER: Brought to you
by Thelma's Thumbtacks.
Get to the point!
-Well, yeah.
-(overlapping chatter)
All right, hello, yes.
Uh, thank you. Qu-- Quiet!
-(chatter stops)
-(short fart)
I am thrilled to announce
that this morning,
after suffering a flat tire,
I was blackmailed
uh convinced by a Good Samaritan
that we have room in the
budget for an original musical
directed by our own drama teacher.
Just had to cut the pencil budget.
Wait, we don't have
to use pencils anymore?
We get to put on a real musical?
I love musicals!
(sighs, grunts)
This is gonna be the best thing
you've ever seen in your life!
-(cheering, applause)
-(whistles)
Barry, If this goes well,
we'll get to do a musical every year!
(light feedback)
(sighs)
When is she going to post the cast list?
Aah!
Oh, no. Oh, gosh.
Hm.
(all exclaiming, grunting)
(gasps, grunts)
I got a part! I'm Helen!
-(grunts)
-Me, too!
I'm Helen, age four?
I'm High School Helen?
RENEE: Wait a minute, are we all Helen?
What is this show, anyway?
(both groan)
BARRY: "The Sound of Helen"?
"The epic musical tale of a lifetime
of continuous perfection"?
HELEN: I hope you're all ready!
Don't be late for rehearsal!
La, la, la! ♪
If this show is great,
then we can do a better musical next year.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
Plant the seed now,
enjoy the crop next year, get it.
Scene one, the birth of Helen.
Wow me. And action!
We've come to bear witness
to the child ♪
So beautiful ♪
So meek and mild ♪
-Waaah!
-HELEN: Cut!
That was terrible!
(grunting)
Candle, your wail is too shrill!
Trevor, enunciate.
Barry, you think that's
how a doctor stands?
Oh, I'm sorry, more like this?
-No. No.
-Uh, like this?
-No? This foot?
-No. No.
-Sorry. I, uh--
-Nuh-uh. Wrong.
-Hips? Is it hips?
-No. Wrong!
-Oh, it's hips.
-No. Wrong!
(whimpers)
(growls)
Let's take a loose ten,
I need to take a walk
and hope this stench goes away.
Jeez, can you spell "diva"?
-D, E--
-Okay, we've got a bigger problem, people.
Look at the next scene.
"Helen, age six, becomes
the youngest Nobel laureate
in history"? Uh
That's the whole show.
Baby Helen, magnetic charm.
Child Helen, a prodigy.
College Helen, continues to be lovely.
"Helen enters. All swoon in awe
of her incandescent charisma."
There's no plot. Nada, nothing!
Should we all resign?
-Well, that's one option.
-I mean, yeah, maybe.
(scoffs) I'm over it.
Hold your horses, people!
Kiff you have the floor.
This is our one shot.
We can't give up now.
We just need a second opinion from someone
with a passing knowledge
of musical theater.
SWEEPY STEVE: Meet me in St. Louis ♪
(vocalizing)
Mm, public domain ♪
(sighs)
All right team, let's give it our all.
We've got a professional in the back
who's gonna give us the straight dope.
Stop conspiring up there!
Scene five, teen Helen,
queen of high school. Action!
Too many friends to count! ♪
Charm? Just the right amount! ♪
Okay, Sweepy, give it to us straight.
This is going to be the worst
musical ever produced.
And I was at the premiere of Legs Diamond.
What?! (sighs) We can't let that happen.
If the play goes belly-up, we'll never get
to do another musical again.
What do we do?
Convince Helen to make
changes to the play.
We can fix it. I think.
Mm. That's what they said
about Legs Diamond.
(piano playing)
(grunts)
(sighs)
(groans)
Hey, uh, Director Helen.
What do you want, Kiff?
I-- Listen, you know we all love
that we get to be in a musical, right?
But, uh, this script,
it-- it has some issues.
How about we give it a little punch up?
How dare you.
I just think this story
could be more interesting.
Name one thing in the script
that's not interesting.
Well, there's no conflict.
There is, too! The conflict is,
which Helen is your favorite?
There's nothing to overcome.
You overcome your awe
at the genius of this show!
The third act resolution
doesn't feel earned.
I earned it by being the best!
(both scream)
Are you trying to tell me that
The Sound of Helen is bad?
(hesitant murmuring)
-Not exactly
-You know
-Yeah
-Yes?
Okay. I appreciate you
telling me the truth.
-Really?
-The truth that none of you
are good enough for my art!
I quit! (huffing)
Now, what do we--
Oh, wait, she's coming back.
Do you know how hard it's been
getting this production off the ground?
This script is my life's work.
I have spent years
trying to squeeze money
out of that principal bird,
only to have it all ruined by you!
Do you know how much
I spent on thumbtacks?
I took a four-day course
on how to change a tire!
This show's too good
for you plebs, anyway.
(crying)
Are we thinking Helen
put tacks in the street
to give PS a flat?
(slow clapping)
Now that's a Helen I can root for!
She's passionate, she's willing
to do whatever it takes.
That's what the show should be about!
Helen yelling at us?
Helen trying to get
this musical off the ground.
We'll do a rewrite.
We can still save this show!
-Right?!
-ALL: Yeah!
(upbeat music playing)
Mm.
Do you think Helen will come?
I don't know. We sent her a ticket
Chop, chop people!
Five minutes to showtime!
Oh, this is so exciting!
I heard the director quit
over creative differences
and that this show
is going to be terrible.
Oh. Why are you here, then?
I love watching terrible things.
(clears throat) Hello,
may I have your attention?
(whispering indistinctly)
I was told to read this card.
"Tonight's performance,
The Sound of Helen,
-will not go on."
-(all gasp)
"Instead, Table Town School Drama Society
proudly presents, My Fair Helen."
Hm. Okay.
What did he say? My fair what?
(knuckles cracking)
I think a thought I have a need ♪
Something growing like a weed ♪
There's something I wish I could be ♪
And that something's somebody ♪
-(all gasp)
-Give up o your dreams!
You live in the real world,
not dream land!
-(all gasp)
-Oh
Why can't you see my pain? ♪
TREVOR: You're asking for nuts ♪
That we just don't have ♪
Every night I weep in vain! ♪
These kinds of spreadsheets
must be planned! ♪
Budgets! ♪
Please, please ♪
-Please, please ♪
-Please ♪
Please ♪
-(heavy metal playing)
-TREVOR: Noooooo ♪
Well, that's a bit much.
Exactly.
-(rock music playing)
-(all laughing theatrically)
People called me a fool-sical ♪
To put on a musical ♪
I don't know if I can do it.
-(all gasp)
-But I won't stop trying!
Hid in a bush And threw down the tacks ♪
BOTH: What?! ♪
He got a flat ♪
-(loud pop)
-And stopped in his tracks ♪
BOTH: No way! ♪
But I don't have a spare ♪
And I gotta get to school urgently ♪
All right, I'll help you ♪
You just gotta do something for me ♪
Wink!
Wait, what?
All right, Helen. You win.
You get to put on a musical.
We'll just have to cut the pencil budget.
That's exactly what happened!
-She really did it ♪
-She got her way ♪
He approved the budget ♪
-She really did it ♪
-She got her way ♪
He approved the budget ♪
She really did it ♪
-She really did it ♪
-She got her way ♪
She got her way ♪
And then she quit ♪
(all cheering)
I stand corrected!
(cheering continues)
All this applause is for me?
My story? They love me!
They really love me!
(panting, grunting)
(grunting continues)
Kiff, that was wonderful.
I've never felt so close
to an employee before.
Not your employee, ha-ha.
(all cheering)
Ooh, I can't wait for next year's musical!
(cheering continues)
And we're all just fine
that she put tacks in the road
and took out my car? Hm?
That's-- That's cool with all you people?
Very hurtful.
WOMAN: Brought to you by
Foldman's Funky Beet juice!
It's supposed to taste like that!
Ahh, Sunday.
Table Town's busiest grocery shopping day.
It's gonna be a good day at Slim Pickins,
I can feel it in the air!
(breathes deeply)
Gordon, my guy! First day working
the sample station,
think ya can handle it?
Well, I take my duties very seriously.
It's time. Open the doors!
KIFF: Do the weekly shop, shop, shop ♪
Buy some soda pop, pop, pop! ♪
Do the grocery twist, twist, twist! ♪
And don't forget your list, list, list ♪
(laughing)
Did you remember the list, Martin?
-Uhh
-Oh, no.
You didn't forget it again, did you, hon?
Are we gonna have to drive
all the way back home?
-No.
-So you have it?
-Yes.
-Good.
'Cause I need you to do the weekly shop
on your own today.
They're doing this incredible
coupon-based promotion.
If you collect all 20 coupons
around the store, you can win a token
to their antique crane game!
I heard there's
a 50-year-old kazoo in there.
Heh, you crazy, Mom. You go have your fun.
I've got my weekly date with
ye olde free sample station.
What is it with the sample station?
It's the number one hot spot in the store!
Unlimited free samples of--
of cheese, fruit, pasta.
You dream it, they've got it-- free!
Whee!
KIFF: Don't like spanakopita?
Th-There's new stuff coming out
every 10 minutes!
And best is, the woman
who makes it all possible: Diane.
She always slips extra treats
to us hungry kids.
(kids cheering)
Uh-huh, yeah. Well, um,
you two go have fun.
I'll handle the list.
Which I totally have.
-(muzak playing)
-Slimmy P! My man!
(angelic music)
Oh Ooh! Oh, sorry about that.
Oh, hi! You're a teacher at
my daughter's school, right?
She's in your drama class,
Kiff Chatterley?
I think you get into hijinks
together sometimes?
Around town?
I have a lot of students.
I don't know
Okay, well, nice to see you!
Okay
Yee-ikes-eeola. Glad that's over with.
(gasps) The first coupon!
Samples. Samples. Samples.
Uh, hello! Where's Diane?
She went to Ottoman Flats
for Sample Con. I'm new.
Aw, good for Diane.
She's been talking about going for years!
Well hey, it's always nice to meet
a fellow sample enthusiast!
What do we got today, Gordo? Mini quiche?
My samples are for paying customers only.
No kids.
(laughs) Gee, I-- I--
I thought Diane was funny!
I, guh-- guh--
(clears throat)
Well, I-- I'm not just a kid.
I came here with my parents.
My "paying customer" parents!
A-And you know, my opinion
counts a lot to them
in terms of, uh, product,
you know, consideration.
Of-- Of things.
Oh, hello, sir! Mini quiche?
(scoffing)
Okay, bread, yes!
We always buy bread. I know that.
Don't need a list
to tell me we need bread!
(gasps) Oh, my.
What brand do we usually get?
Is it the one with the baby wheat
popping out of the sun?
The hot bun catching on fire?
I like the one with the country lady
bench-pressing the butter dumbbells.
I got the last one.
(both scoffing)
Barry? What are you doing
huffing over here?
Sample guy wouldn't give me sample.
-Same!
-(Reggie scoffing)
Oh, hi, guys.
Sample guy?
You guys talking about
the new free sample guy?
ALL: Yes!
I never thought someone named Gordon
could have power over me.
Hey, let's team up!
Between the four of us,
we gotta be able to outsmart him, right?
ALL: One, two, three, four, samples!
Ahem. Hello! Me again.
What's that supposed to mean?
I Remember? Kiff Chatterley's mom.
We bumped into each other
five minutes ago and chatted?
Okay?
Uh guh
So yeah. Anyway
(gasps)
Sorry. Excuse me.
Heh-heh. Doesn't seem
to wanna go that way,
-heh-heh, with the wheel.
-(grumbles)
-There we go, heh.
-(groans)
Oopsie! Dropped my list.
Can't do my weekly shop without the list!
-(gasps)
-Sorry!
I was trying to read your list.
I-- I'm having a little trouble
figuring out what to buy.
Oh, poor thing. Would you like
to follow along and shop with me?
Really? That would be amazing!
First thing's first, a gallon
of Foldman's Funky Beet Juice!
You're the boss!
Look at him over there.
Thinks he's a big man.
(scoffs) I could get a hot plate.
Psst! Kiff! We found one!
All right, Secretary Prince!
Kinda weird to see you here
in your weekend, uh, jorts.
You need me to get free samples?
Four free samples.
Uh, but say they're for
your other grown-up friends.
Then bring them back here!
Okay, this is good,
they're smiling, smiling.
He's asking for extra samples. Yes!
Now, just come back to us.
Wait, what's he doing?
He's getting a whiff of the samples.
Now he's closing his eyes and drooling
like he likes what he smells. Oh, no.
Ugh, now he's trying
one of the mini quiches.
Oh, no! He loves it!
He's Yep. He's eating them all.
Those samples are unbelievable!
You gotta taste 'em!
We're. Trying. To.
(gasps) This is it, the twentieth coupon!
No. I'm not doing this again!
I can't stand any more small talk!
Small talk? We've barely
exchanged ten words.
(shushing) So help me,
if I see you one more time,
and I have to do small talk,
I'm turning you into a mushroom!
But I hate mushrooms!
Really? Even chanterelles?
I mean, mushrooms generally
are very versatile
in any recipe-- Wait, no! No! Wait!
This is small talk. Don't try me, lady!
Fine, I don't want to talk to you, either.
Jeez, what a drip!
Eighteen, 19
W-What-- What happened to the last one?
Oh, no. How am I gonna get that coupon
without talking to Helen?
Okay, so we know what doesn't work.
Asking an adult to get samples for us,
tunneling under the store,
calling Gordon from a pay phone
and pretending to be his granny
That's it! We've tried everything!
Ugh, let's give up. I'll just get Daddy
to buy all the actual products.
Then we can go to my house and try them.
No, Candle! That's not what this is about!
It's about free samples!
It's about the one glimmer of hope
in the mindless, unending void
of accompanying your parents
to the grocery store!
If only someone could get Gordon
to step away from the samples
for a few minutes.
But who?
That's it! I have an idea.
(Kiff, deep voice) Time to go
on your lunch break, Gordon.
I will watch the samples.
All right
And 13 over-ripe, mushy avocados!
(chuckles) That's it, you're all done.
I'm so proud of you, Martin.
Ah, thank you! I would have never
come up with these items. I was way off!
Oh, I'm on the Freaky Deaky diet.
I probably should've mentioned that
before I let you shop
all the same stuff as me, ha!
Well, gotta dash! Keep it freaky!
Wait, what? Hu-- Wha-- C-Come back!
You! You work here!
You gotta tell me what to buy!
I-- I left my list at home!
My family can never know!
Hello?
(screams)
KIFF: Dad?
Well, I can explain! This was the only way
we could get free samples!
Is that so? I'll be taking these!
Kiff, listen, I don't think
your mother needs to know--
Too late, I heard everything!
Honey? What're you doing?
You! That's it, mushroom time!
Run!
Pitted date, take the form
of the thing you hate!
Hey!
Whoa. I'm a kid!
Why was I being such a jerk?
Kids are people, too!
Free samples for everyone! Bababooey!
-Hooray!
-(all cheer)
Look at that! Turned into
the thing he hated most.
Bravo, Helen.
Oh, you're Kiff's mother!
(clears throat)
Let's get outta here!
(playing kazoo)
(sighs)
Horrible.
(playing kazoo)
(sighs) Never a dull day in retail, huh?
MANNEQUIN: You could say that again.
(both scream)
Slimmy P, you're on your own ♪
Hittin' the road
for the very first time ♪
Slimmy P, you're finally free ♪
The world to see,
it's gonna blow your mind ♪
(vocalizing)
Yeah ♪