Mad About You s01e13 Episode Script

You don't have any more Sunday Times? Yeah, but it's all ripped.
I understand, but still it's all ripped.
You got a copy of Curb and Hydrant for my little friend here? - You still have the Sunday Times? - Last one right here.
- Thanks.
- Hey, what are you doing? - My parents' obituary is in here.
- Oh, go ahead.
Both of them? - It was an earthquake.
- Really? - Beams hit them.
- Beams? It was very fast.
The ground just swallowed up their house.
- What? - Nothing.
Thanks.
"J.
Stemple.
" Stemple.
Do you believe that girl? That's what I'm thinkin'.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby "Silverberg, Silverman, Silverstein, Stinson.
" I knew it.
I knew she's lying.
- There's no Stemple in the obituaries.
- Who's Stemple? I don't know.
I just met her.
- Driving Miss Daisy at Cinema One.
- Saw it.
How about She-Devil? I hear Roseanne Barr blows Meryl Streep right off the screen.
So Dana really thinks that I'm gonna like her friend? Yeah.
She says she's a blast.
I'll tell you, this whole dating thing, it's just torture.
You know? Especially first dates.
I always do better on first dates before they get to know me.
- Come on.
Dating is an adventure.
- How is it an adventure? You can tell in ten seconds if you're gonna hit it off.
That's how long a first date should be: Ten seconds.
'Cause after that, you're watchin' either other eat.
Please.
Sorry we're late.
Traffic on the East Side was gross.
Oh, you live on the East Side? Third Avenue.
Hey, you ever go to Lumberto's Dry Cleaning? I don't think so.
'Cause it's on Third Avenue.
Third Avenue and Fifty-Fourth Street.
- I go to Fourteenth Street Cleaners.
- Live near Fourteenth Street? No.
I live on Thirteenth Street.
You happy with the job they do with your clothes there? Oh, yeah.
Fourteenth Street Cleaners is great.
Al Pacino has an autographed picture in there.
- You know, Paul makes movies.
- You're kidding.
Yeah.
I do.
That's so funny.
I work at a bank.
Sometimes not even ten seconds.
Two more days till Christmas.
- I hope it snows.
- The guys in legal approved that.
Did you remember to fax that release to Newsweek? Yup.
First thing this morning.
I can't believe Ted dumped me.
It's my own fault.
All the signs were there.
Our first date, I watched him pick a caraway seed out of his teeth with an American Express card for 20 minutes.
- What time's my lunch tomorrow? - 12:30.
And he's such a little mama's boy.
He actually took her rowing with us in Central Park.
- What are those, expense vouchers? - Yes.
Want me to file them? Shred 'em.
And then he dumps me.
It was going so well.
James, just remember, it is always darkest before the dawn.
What dawn? There is no dawn.
I miss him.
- You were gonna dump him anyway.
- But not until after the holidays.
Hey, girls, have you been naughty or nice? 'Cause I can go either way.
- Go that way, Lester.
- Eggnog? - Not in the mood.
- 'Course not.
That's why I spiked it.
See, I heard Ted dropped you like a hotcake.
Thought you might need a little comforting.
So tell me, is there anything special you'd like me to put in your stocking? How about $50 worth of quarters to whack you in the head with? Oh, cool.
Ted said you were a tiger.
- Get out of my office, Lester.
- Do you have any plans for New Year's Eve? Get out of my office, Lester.
Hard to get! I like it! That's what's out there: Lesters and Teds.
Come on, James, let's have a drink and go to this party.
I'm not going to the Christmas party.
I hate the holidays.
You have to go.
Trust me.
It is a good career move.
- I don't wanna go.
I'm not with anyone.
- You'll be with me.
You'll be with Mark.
I don't want to be the third wheel.
Don't be silly.
Mark'll be the third wheel.
I don't wanna do that.
Fran Devanow's office.
What? - I don't know.
It must be a mistake.
- What? It's Cheryl.
She says there's some guy here with my dry cleaning.
- Tell him he's got the wrong office.
- Tell him to leave or we'll call security.
I'm just gonna go home and cut up pictures of men.
Come on, James.
Stay for the party.
Did you ever worry you were gonna be alone for the rest of your life? You're gonna find someone if it kills me.
To 1990.
This is gonna be your year.
Thank God the '80s are over.
See you're still grieving the loss of your parents.
What? Beams fell on her parents in an earthquake.
It was tragic.
And it happened like that.
What are you doing with my dry cleaning? You dropped the slip last night as you hijacked my newspaper.
- How did you find her? - I went to the dry cleaners.
- And they told you where I worked? - I told them I was your houseboy Coco.
And they just pointed me here to this building.
How did you find this office? I'm not listed in the lobby.
- I described you.
- To who? To receptionists on the first 33 floors.
You tracked her down just to deliver her dry cleaning? - Well, not exactly.
- How did you describe me? - Boy, I feel like I'm being grilled.
- You are.
- What's your name? - Paul.
Paul Buchman.
I don't hate it.
How did you describe me, Paul? Pushy.
Pushy and pretty.
Do you think I'm pretty? Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna go to the Christmas party.
Oh, here, let me take this.
Your fingers are turning white.
Nice to meet you, Paul.
They didn't get the stain out.
I hope you didn't pay them for this.
- Actually, I did, but that's okay.
- It's not.
They didn't get the stain out.
- What stain? - Right there.
That's a stain.
- I didn't even see it.
I'm sorry.
- Did you get a receipt? - No.
- Why didn't you get a receipt? - It never occurred to me.
- You don't know to get a receipt? It's the first time I've ever picked up a strange woman's dry cleaning.
- Well, what do I owe you? - Oh, no, that's okay.
Don't be silly.
I don't want you to pay for my dry cleaning.
It was my pleasure.
- Here's 20 bucks.
- It was 17.
- Keep it.
- I didn't come up here for a tip.
What did you come up here for then? 'Cause I figured you needed your clothes for the holidays.
- That was very considerate.
- Yeah, well, you know.
Born and raised in New York.
Why did you really come up here? - 'Cause I wanted to meet you.
- Why? I don't know.
'Cause since last night, I've been thinking about you.
How do I know you're not some ax murderer? Do these look like hands that have ever held an ax? - How do you know I'm not married? - No ring.
How do you know I'm not a married woman who's just been mugged? - Boy, you're making this very hard.
- What would you do if you were at work and some woman walked in with your dry cleaning? I'd say, "Ma, go away.
" Look, can I buy you dinner sometime? Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- I'm sorry, is that an answer? - What do you expect me to say? How about, "Sounds great.
When do you want to pick me up?" - Please don't make me do this.
- Do what? I just can't take dating anymore.
I just spent half a day trying to track you down.
- I didn't ask you to come up here.
- I know that.
- I came up 'cause I wanted to.
- And I appreciate it.
Thank you, really, for the laundry.
You know what? Next time you're crying in your daiquiri that you can't meet a nice guy just remember that you met one and you pushed him out the door.
You swear you told 33 people today that I was pretty? Yes.
Pretty and with a very sexy voice.
- You did not.
- Go down to 32.
Ask Lou Anne.
You know, I'm really tired of you not trusting me.
- I don't even know you.
- Well, I don't know you either.
- So then why should I trust you? - I could be standing on Third Avenue selling your clothes for a tidy profit.
- You wouldn't do that.
- This is what I'm saying.
Will you tell me something honestly? Do you like Christmas parties, Paul? I love Christmas parties J.
Stemple.
I don't care what the guy has got on his head.
This Gorbachev is a genius.
I guarantee you five years from now, Russia will dominate the globe.
Lester, shoo.
- It's okay.
Really.
- I'm sorry.
Christmas! - You're having a terrible time.
- No.
I'm having fun.
- No, you're not.
- Hey, you don't know me.
This is me having fun.
- Really? - Really.
I'm havin' a great time.
And you've never been with a man? - Why? What did you hear? - I'm just making sure.
Hi, Paul! This is my husband Mark.
Mark, this is Paul.
You're right.
They do look good together.
- How are ya? - You two you met at a newsstand and you tracked her down all day? - Pookie - No, this is fantastic! It's fantastic because she was so depressed.
And now this! This is fantastic! - Thank you, Mark.
- Hey, I'll tell you what, Paul.
- We love this girl.
- And I love you too, Mark.
- Fran, get him out of here.
- Oh.
Come on, honey.
They wanna be alone.
This is fantastic! - Mark can be a little festive.
- He seems very nice.
I like him.
God, you're really on first date behavior, aren't you? Well, what's wrong with first dates? They're like an adventure.
I'm just wondering when I'm gonna get to see the real you.
Oh, not for quite some time.
What am I, nuts? - Well, come on.
Help yourself.
- Nah.
I can't do that.
Why not? I'm uneasy with starting a cheese.
Excuse me? You got a nice, perfect triangle here, so who am I to ruin it? - You always this reckless? - Oh, yeah.
I come from a whole family of daredevils.
My sisters both went to school out of state.
- So you have sisters? - Two.
- Me too.
- That's funny.
Well, actually, one, but she's sort of a split personality.
I have to steal her for five minutes.
The boss is telling his Rose Bowl story.
- She's got to hear this.
- I've heard it.
If you want to get ahead in this firm, you've got to hear it a lot.
Come on.
His ass is right under the mistletoe.
Hey, Paul.
Hey, where is everybody? Oh, they just went to hear the boss tell his Rose Bowl story.
Oh, right, right.
- So.
- So.
So.
Look, I have an assignment.
I gotta get information.
- What do they wanna know? - Well, the usual.
- How much money do you make? - Like net or gross? - Ball park is fine.
- I do okay.
- Own or rent? - I'm renting.
Previous marriages? Smoker? Drinker? - You ever been with a man? - She already asked.
- I think that's it.
- All right.
Let me ask you something.
What's the story with her? Who? With Jamie? Oh, Jamie's great.
Yeah, yeah.
- Grew up in New Haven, went to Yale.
- Ever been with a man? Who? Me orJamie? - Mark, what you do, it's your business.
- Hey, come on, I'm a married man.
Although once Once l I had this dream about Pierce Brosnan.
I don't Tell me something about her.
Jamie? Well, I could tell you this.
- What? - I think she likes you.
- No! You think? - Yeah, I think she does.
- Why? - Well, you can sense these things because when you know somebody that long - you can sort of read the signs.
- What signs? Fran told me.
I can't believe we're doing this.
We'll just check his bio from the Director's Guild.
Any guy can say he's a filmmaker.
- Wow! He won an NEA grant.
- Really? That means he's got talent.
And look at this.
"1980 winner, Most Promising Filmmaker, NYU Film School.
" I knew it.
It's always something.
I never do well with creative types.
What about that poet you dated down on Jane Street? - Monroe? - Maybe the police were wrong.
I hate this.
Look at me.
What am I doing? I don't want to get my hopes again.
What do I always say? If you go into a store assuming they don't have your size you come out with nothing.
He thinks I have a sexy voice.
He's a nice guy.
And he's cute.
- He is, isn't he? - He gets that little twinkle in his eye.
- I know.
He's so cute.
- A day at Barney's wouldn't kill him.
- I know.
- But he's good raw material.
You guys ever watch Remington Steele? You two gals are doing great.
- Thanks, Manny.
- Well, thanks, Mr.
Gantz.
- Hi, Mr.
Gantz.
How are ya? - Happy holidays, Mark.
Nice to see you.
Listen, Fran tells me you once played in the Rose Bowl.
Yeah, yeah.
New Year's Day, 1950.
- It was cool in California.
- Sixty-three degrees.
Right.
We were trailing Cal by a touchdown.
Psychologically, we were beaten and just before halftime, Arthur Dworkin twisted an ankle and that's when they moved me over to first trombone.
Hey, you know, maybe we could double for New Year's.
- Yeah, well, we'll see.
- Great.
Can you get me a date? Excuse me one second.
Yes, hi.
- Sorry.
- No, it's okay.
I'm fine.
You're not having a good time.
Let's go someplace.
- Oh, I'm havin' a great time.
- Well, I'm not having a good time.
- Then let's get the hell out of here.
- Where do you want to go? - Oh, just everywhere.
- Everywhere? That's what I'm feeling.
I wanna take you everywhere.
Listen, I'm not looking for a relationship.
Yeah, but what would you do if you found one? - Ask me out right now.
- Come on.
I'll buy you dinner.
- Where do you feel like goin'? - Anyplace near me.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you don't have to spring for cab fare.
- Where do you live? - Upper West Side.
I'm on West 81 st.
Are you kidding? Me too.
I'm on one twenty-nine.
One forty-two.
You live across the street from me.
That's unbelievable.
I'm just gonna say a few quick good-byes.
It was the Rodgers and Hammerstein medley that turned it around for us.
Good night, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Have you heard my Rose Bowl story? Yes, I have.
I told it to my family.
Great.
So we'll go over to Melon's, we'll grab something to eat and I'll walk you home.
You sure you don't have a girlfriend? I have a dog.
But he knows I date.
Why do you keep looking for something wrong? 'Cause I'm smart.
Well, don't be so smart and let's just go get a hamburger.
Wait.
I need to tell you something.
Oh.
You're not gonna fire me, are you? I thought about you, too, last night.
And then when you found me here today, it's like it was too good to be true.
And now you seem to be this nice guy.
Well, I can see why you're troubled.
You realize if this doesn't work out, I'm gonna have to blow my brains out.
- So as long as there's no pressure.
- Yeah.
I just don't want to be disappointed again.
I'll do my best.
Where's your scarf? Honey, could you take this? I'm sorry.
Did you just call me "honey"? I didn't think so.
Look at that city.
That's beautiful.
That's a beautiful city.
Can you imagine how many millions of people there are out there that you're just never gonna meet? Think of the people in this building you never meet.
I can't believe you didn't know Lou Anne.
Boy, it's funny.
You know, there are people that even if you didn't Did you just kiss me? I didn't think so.
Let's go.
Oh, we forgot the dry cleaning.
Listen, you didn't you didn't by any chance have my bio faxed over here, did you? - No.
- No, I wouldn't think so.
Mad About You will be right back.
There is nothing like the Rose Bowl.
I mean, the smell of the grass, the roar of the crowd.
I had 100,000 people on the edge of their seats.
When I played a six bar solo from South Pacific it brought them to their feet.
It was halftime, we were forming the letter C and that's when Barbara Bierman blindsided me with her tuba.
Split my lip.
It was after that that I knew I could never go pro.
That's a fantastic story.
This is fantastic.
Tell it again.