M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e13 Episode Script

- Heading this way.
- Okay, everybody, this is it.
Ten seconds.
Nine, eight, Light it.
seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
Zero! - Surprise! - Happy birthday! [ Voices Overlapping .]
- [ Gasps .]
- Happy birthday, Eddie.
Surprised? Oh! Wow! We arranged that double ward duty just so you'd be kept busy.
We even hid all the bedpans just to make sure.
Blow out the candles.
[ All Laughing .]
Oh, I- I'm so sorry.
- It's no problem.
- Did you make a wish? - Oh, yes, I- - No, don't tell us what it is, or it won't come true.
Uh, may I make a toast? No.
But how about a farewell address? Actually, I have a wish to propose- - a wish that very soon we'll all be united with our loved ones.
- Beautiful thought, Major.
Let's just hope nobody's wife or husband finds out about it.
Come on.
Get to the loot.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That one's ours.
- We're first.
We're first.
- The pink one.
"To Eddie.
Keep an eye on your brass.
Everyone else does.
" - Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, thank you.
[ Hawkeye .]
That's brass polish, so drink it slowly.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Here, here.
Uh, please.
Allow me.
Thank you, Major.
The Ten Commandments! Autographed? "To Eddie.
For your own protection.
From the girls.
" - It's a bulletproof girdle.
- [ All Laughing .]
[ Clearing Throat .]
Did you wanna say something, Henry, or are you just hoping for a free tonsillectomy? As commanding officer, I believe it falls to me to say a few words.
- # For she's a jolly good fellow # - Little did I dream - # For she's a jolly good fellow # - when I was a medical student - # For she's a jolly good fellow # - that one day, - I would be in command- - #Which nobody can deny # Which nobody can deny - # For she's a jolly good fellow # - I'm- I'm sorry.
- # For she's a jolly good- # - I'm sorry! - Eddie! - [ Radar .]
What's the matter? I knew you shouldn't have made that speech, Henry.
I'm okay, Margie, really.
It's just that song.
" For She's AJolly Good Fellow.
" Well, I'm not jolly and I'm not a fellow.
Margie, I am 28 years old, and I have never had someone to care for me.
It takes time for the right guy to come along.
Oh, he's come and gone.
- He's very handsome.
- Mmm.
It's not a good picture.
Seymour Chomkey.
- Nice name.
- Oh, it's a terrible name, but " Mrs.
" sounds so nice in front of it.
Well, it would have, that is.
We were engaged for almost two years.
And then Seymour was drafted.
I will never forgive North Korea for starting up.
I wrote to him every day, and he answered promptly once a month for the first month.
And then, nothing.
So I joined up too.
I thought maybe if I became a nurse, well, I might meet someone like Seymour, save his life, and he would be so grateful that- I'm getting shipped home in a couple of weeks, and no Seymour and no nobody else.
- You can't give up.
- Who wants me to give in? Lieutenant, I've been very concerned about you lately.
You look down in the dumps.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I had the dumps as a child.
Now, based on my three classes in psychology, two of which I cut, I can tell you that your problem is all mental.
You think too much.
It's very bad.
You should forget about your mind and pay more attention to your body.
Or if you don't have the time, let me do it for you.
- I'm very concerned about Eddie.
- Me too.
Did you know you've got sexy knuckles? I didn't think that was possible.
There are ten guys for every girl in this base.
You'd think there would be one for Eddie.
My dear, Eddie is a lovely girl, but she has a gift for calamity.
- She's a land mine in bloomers.
- Hawkeye! Why don't we patent your ears? We could sell a million of them! I knew it was an alkaloid, but I forgot about its association with other amoebocytes.
- I've had the same problem.
- Uh, excuse me, sir.
- Can you help me please? - What's wrong? - I just got something in my eye.
- Dirt? - A finger.
- How'd you get a finger in your eye? - It came through the hole in the tent.
- What tent? The one I had my eye up against.
I told you to stop peeking in the nurses' shower.
- Well, everyone needs a hobby.
- You're gonna be fine.
You put a heat compress on it, and you start lookin' in the mens' shower for a few days.
Don't you wanna know what I heard while I was peeking? Frankly, I'd rather know what you saw while you were peeking.
Nurse Cutler's got 'em all organized.
She said unless someone gets very friendly with Nurse Eddie, things are going to get very cool around here.
- "Very cool"? - And very lonely.
They wouldn't dare.
[ Hawkeye's Voice .]
An attitude like that could destroy morale.
Weaken the fiber of our brave men in white.
These boys depend on their relaxation to renew and refresh their flagging spirits.
They must be allowed a moment's respite from the trials of war.
Mmm! You smell divine.
I just washed my hair.
Listen, I've just given myself the rest of the day off.
Why don't we lock the door and study a few old medical journals? - I have to wash my hair.
- You just did- What's going on, Leslie? All week long, every time I've wanted to be alone with you, you have to wash your hair.
You're gonna wind up with a head that looks like a cue ball.
Excuse me.
[ Hawkeye's Voice .]
The whole thing is inhuman, unfair and un-American.
Besides, it's bad for the health.
Could you pass the salt, please? [ Hawkeye's Voice .]
Edwina Ferguson.
The face that launched a thousand longer faces.
Henry, you're the commanding officer.
Command the girls to cut this out.
It's drivin' us nuts.
- Right, Hawk? - Right.
You know, you've got awfully pretty legs, Henry.
Let's not get carried away, huh? - I mean, we're not boys.
We're men.
- Thanks for the reminder.
And doctors, besides.
I mean, let's see a little fortitude, a little perseverance.
I've been hit by this thing too, you know, and you don't see me falling apart.
- Shower's ready, sir.
- Is it cold? - Icy, sir.
- Excuse me.
[ Hawkeye .]
Now, I don't have to tell you why we're all here tonight.
The time has come to end the siege.
Someone, at whatever risk to his life or limb, someone must make Lieutenant Edwina Ferguson his own.
May I say that I find this whole proposition highly- - Colonic? - Irregular.
- I was close.
- And I refuse to be part of this unholy confluence.
Uh, Frank, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that if you don't lend your full cooperation to our little enterprise, you will be stripped naked, painted purple and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines.
You wouldn't dare.
Radar, the straws, please.
Yo.
[ Hawkeye's Voice .]
There comes a time in every soldier's life, from the lowliest private to the lowliest offiicer, when he must put his own well-being second to the greater good of his fellow fellows, his comrades in arms, his war buddies.
Let us each in his very own quiet heart say to that courageous man whoever he may turn out to be: "And there but for the fiickle pick of fate go I.
And que sera, sera.
No hard feelings.
May the best man, uh, well, whatever.
" Shall we make it two out of three? [ Chattering .]
All right, now that we all know the procedure, let's go for keeps.
[ Laughing .]
Congratulations, pal.
We really appreciate this.
- I need a drink.
- Double? Yeah, about a size 11, triple-A.
Knock-knock.
Hope we're not interrupting anything.
Hey, what are they? They're wearing our kind of uniforms, but they're not built like us.
They're all, uh, soft and bumpy.
You don't suppose they're, uh- - Girls? - That's it! I couldn't think of the word.
Now if I could only remember what they're for.
We just popped in to see what was happening.
I'm still hoping for a recount.
You? [ Laughing .]
Well, I want you women to know that I was fully opposed to this degenerate, depraved, immoral, perverted and indecent proposal.
But if it must occur- What do army regulations say about strangling a man with his own tongue? - Get out of my way.
- Ah! Don't worry, Frank.
I'd do the same thing for my own mother.
I almost envy Eddie.
It's too late for that now.
I'm spoken for.
Now we'll all get to see how the great lover operates.
- Retractor.
- Retractor.
- Give me some suction here.
- Suction.
Clamp.
Oh, they're forceps.
I'm-I'm sorry.
Perfectly all right.
I like forceps too.
In fact, I actually prefer them.
They're one of my favorite instruments.
May I join you? Well, sure.
This job really makes me look forward to food.
- This is why this stuff is such a disappointment.
- Oh, it's not too bad.
Oh, you're too tolerant.
What I can't figure out is how they can make food taste like it's been drafted.
Here, let me, um, let me serve you.
Oh.
Thanks.
Well, what have we today? Perhaps you'd like to start with some cream of leftover soup? - No.
- Hmm? Well, for an entree, you can have pork chops or our cook's award-winning beef stew.
- Pork chops.
- A very wise choice.
The award was presented by the North Koreans.
And you can have some vegetables or some gravy that won't hurt you if you don't swallow it.
- Huh? - No gravy.
- Some coffee? - Please.
You're very brave.
The coffee is made of gravy that didn't make it.
Where shall we sit? You want to sit together? I've tried sitting apart.
It's very painful.
Oh, thank you.
Margie tells me you'll be leaving us in a couple of weeks.
You're really lucky to be, uh, to be going home.
I have this- I have this recurring fantasy that I'll go home and my family will have left without any forwarding address.
You know, I could get 20 years for talking to myself.
Well, I'm just trying to figure out why you're sitting here.
You usually eat with Margie or one of the other girls.
- Well, you're one of the other girls.
- Why don't I believe you? That's because you believe in the popular notion of me as a glib, insincere operator.
- That's right.
- Those are only some of my qualities.
Underneath, there's another me.
Shy, sensitive, uncertain- - Conniving.
- Right.
But underneath that, there's another me.
Underneath there, of course, there's public parking.
Nonetheless, I still don't understand - why you're sitting here.
- Because I find you an interesting person and I'd like to get to know you better in the short time we have left.
- You're not just saying that? - On my Hippocratic Oath.
No, on second thought, make that my golfer's oath, which is more binding.
You know, I wonder what makes people attracted to each other? Well, the first girl I really fell for was- it was just chemistry.
You mean, an electrical excitement? Uh, no, no.
She wrote all my chemistry papers.
Without her, I wouldn't have gotten into med school.
- Disgusting.
- Vile.
- Meet you in back of the kitchen.
- Right behind the swill.
Hawkeye.
You're terrific.
- Oh, thanks, Coach.
- Really.
We appreciate it.
Yeah, well, I hope the Friends of Edwina Club appreciate the fact - that she and I are having a date tonight.
- Oh, great! Great? She just stepped on my ankle.
I have a run in my leg.
- You'll be fine.
- Mmm.
You wouldn't wanna give me one last kiss, would you, just in case she breaks my lips tonight? Oh, I love the way you have your place fixed up.
Trapper took a correspondence course in interior decorating.
He failed it, of course.
Excuse me.
Japanese custom.
Fix you a martini? Oh, I'm-I'm not a very good drinker.
Well, I'll give you a crash course.
I've never been in a man's tent before.
It's just like a woman's.
You just button it on the other side.
Thank you.
What shall we drink to? - How about to dry clothes? - Oh, I'm sorry.
No, not at all, not at all.
I-I don't mind a wet T-shirt.
Saves me the trouble of sweating.
- Eddie? - It's all right, Hawkeye.
I mean, you're nice to try, but why don't we not pretend anymore, huh? I mean, I heard people talking.
I can figure things out.
So why don't we just pretend we pretended, and-and everyone will be off the hook? - Wait a second.
- Oh, don't worry.
- I'll tell everyone I had a wonderful time.
- Aah! [ Groaning .]
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
I- I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
It's okay.
Don't help me.
Aah! Don't press the ice in my eye! Look what I'm doing to a doctor! It's all right.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Oh, let's drop it, Hawkeye.
Please? Huh? The game's over.
Okay.
Okay, it's over.
We're just two people waiting for a bus.
Or in my case, an ambulance.
Come here.
Sit down.
You don't have to hurt somebody just to make sure they don't hurt you first.
- Is-Is that what it is? - I think so.
[Jazz .]
Dance with me? Carefully? - [ Sizzling .]
- [ Screaming .]
I can't stand it! I'm hopeless! Cheap glass.
That's all.
Who cares about that? That doesn't matter.
What matters is you.
-[ Glass Crunching .]
- [ Groaning .]
- Wh-What is it? - I'm not wearing any shoes! Your feet! They must be cut to ribbons! - Here, lie down.
- Wait! Aah! - I killed you.
- I don't have that kind of luck.
Just give me a minute.
Oh, I've- I've never seen anyone try so hard to be considerate.
Edwina, may I kiss you? - Is your mouth insured? - Shh.
That was nice.
- I didn't hurt anything? - No.
- Oh, I will never forget this evening.
- Me neither.
- Oh, thank you, Hawkeye.
I- I'm so grateful.
- That's not necessary.
To know I can be myself with a man- To know I- Well, I don't have to beat him to the hurt.
Oh, wow! Good-bye, Margie.
Thank you, Doctor.
- Good-bye, Edwina.
- Good-bye.
If civilian life gets boring, we're always here.
Why are you still smiling? - No reason.
- Buy me a cup of coffee? Sort of missed you chasing after me these past two weeks.
Well, a guy can find smoothness and grace and aptitude attractive for just so long, you know.
Oh.
This better? Ow! That's it.
Much better.
You're my kind of girl!