Melissa & Joey s01e13 Episode Script

Melissa and Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hello! Who's here? I gotta tell someone about my crapfest of a day.
You! Sorry.
.
I don't have time to attend crapfests.
Just stick me with a little T-shirt.
The kids are finishing their dinner, that means I'm off the clock, so Night! Hold it! where are you running off to in your new fancy man-shirt? New, not fancy.
Keeping track of my clothes, are you? Yeah.
Your clothes are interesting.
You- not so much.
I got a date, okay? You remember those? Yeah, I date.
I dated recently.
All right? Internet chatrooms count.
It sucks I have no privacy here.
Oh hey, since you're here- am I showing off a little too much cleavage for a first date? Wow.
Who is this girl? I mean, she must be pretty special to get you all duded up and nervous.
I am not nervous.
Joe Longo never loses his cool.
Yeah, of course.
Hey, is that little spaghetti sauce on your collar? What? Where? That? That was just- no, that? I think that's just a shadow from my chin.
Is that what you saw? - No, I just- - You know, Joe, I know I can be critical about what you wear and what you say and how you load the dishwasher.
I mean, knives facing up- are you trying to kill me? But when it comes to your personal life, I will withhold judgment.
Now who is she? Fine.
Um, see, it's weird 'cause her and I- uh, well, we- it's Tiffany.
Oh, your ex-wife? Well, mmm, that's pretty cool.
Mm-hmm.
Are you insane? I mean, she's a lunatic.
Have you lost your friggin' mind? You're, like, totally spitting on my shirt right now.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
Tiffany? The same Tiffany who married you and then dumped your ass the minute the gravy train ran out of gravy? With a little distance and further reflection, she realized that she didn't miss all that stuff, all right? And what she really missed was all this stuff.
It took her four months to realize that? I missed "Sex and the City" the day it went off the air.
And those movies have not helped.
This Tiffany now is the real Tiffany, all right? This is the girl that I fell for three years ago when I spotted her across a crowded broker bar.
Aw.
And out of all the other gold-diggers, you chose her.
It's like a romance novel.
We're gonna take things slow and see where they go.
We're gonna start out as friends and go from there.
I appreciate you looking out for me, but it's just dinner, so relax.
Just dinner? That's like saying it's just murder.
All right? That woman is toxic.
I mean, when you get close to her, parts start falling off.
You had hair when you met her, right? Yeah.
Who knows what you'll lose next? I think I'll take my chances with her, all right? But not with this shirt.
I gotta change.
See if you can find a shirt made out of money.
That'll get her attention.
Hey, no computers at the dinner table unless you're doing my online traffic school.
What? Isabel Lippi is in the lead for most popular.
She's a horrible person.
Horrible works in high school.
Plus she has a pool.
You know "the great rant"- the school blog? Well, they're doing a poll for class favorites.
Aw, please don't draw me into this.
Unfair.
I hate all of these people.
This is evil.
The people getting votes for best looking and best eyes and best smile- Oh, this is nothing but a popularity contest.
Honey, usually when people are running for most popular, it's a popularity contest.
I don't know why you care what other people think about you.
I wouldn't want somebody slapping a label on me.
Oh, too late, Snotty McBooger.
I had a cold last month.
Why can't people get over this? When I was in high school the boys voted me easiest To get along with.
Wow- two fancy man-shirts.
Yeah, I have more than one shirt.
It's really crazy down there.
It's like I'm a rock star.
Who's your date with? - Uh well- - His ex, Tiffany.
- Oh my God.
- Joe, don't.
Hey, stop it, all of you.
All right? Look, I realize in haste after we broke up, I may have said some things that made her sound like a- Money-grubbing bitch.
I'm not being mean.
That's the legal term.
I am convinced that if you all met Tiffany, you would change your minds.
In fact, you know what? I am going to make that happen.
Oh my gosh, I get to meet my nanny's ex-wife? It's the moment every girl dreams of.
And you will find that she is a kind, caring, genuine human being.
Hey, with just a touch of silicone.
All right, fine, she's 98% genuine.
There she is, lookin' at it again.
Well, look who's in the lead now.
There's no way Annette Ryan is most popular anything- except maybe with the entire football team.
Why do you care? I don't care.
Uh-huh.
Those are the clenched fists of someone who doesn't care.
I could get votes if I wanted to.
You know, I could be best hair, nicest smile.
I could be sweetest, damn it.
Well, you've definitely got a shot at most delusional.
It is not that hard to win these.
It's all about getting attention and kissing up.
Oh, I could totally take them down.
I would be inclined to say you are a lot of talk.
And I'd be inclined to say shut up and watch me.
Okay okay, which one are you going for? All of 'em- smartest, best friend, most compassionate.
Oh, the school is gonna tremble at my greatness.
Or possibly shove you in a locker.
Oh, "Senior Citizen Rent Increase Exemption Proposal.
" Oh God, I'm gonna need some oxygen to get through this one.
Oh, thank you, whoever you are.
Oh my gosh, are you Mel Burke? - Tiffany? - Uh-huh.
Wow, so we finally get to meet.
I was expecting someone much less attractive- you know, helmet hair, scarf covering up a big chicken neck.
But look at you.
You're pretty.
I mean, not enough to make me worry, but a strong six.
Good for you.
Well, I am double-d-lighted to meet you.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, where's my Joejoebee? Uh, "Joejoebee"? Yeah, that's what I call Joe.
Did he tell you his pet name for me? Actually, he's called you quite a few names.
Joe is just dropping the kids off at a basketball game.
He'll be back in a few minutes.
- Can I get you a glass of wine? - No.
I mean, I shouldn't.
I can't because, well, no reason, just nothing.
Okay, I think I'm pregnant.
Oh wow, boy, okay, that was like a bullet of truth.
Um I am uncomfortable.
Please don't say anything.
It's just been a few days.
I'm late.
You know what I mean.
I have read "Our bodies, Ourselves.
" Um, so does Joe know about this? No.
And you can't tell him.
Please promise me you won't tell him.
Promise.
Pinky-swear on our friendship.
- Our friendship? - Oh, you feel it too? Oh, it's like we've known each other forever.
Yeah.
It does seem that way.
Oh, I feel so much better.
Now I can really let it all out.
Oh, you've been holding back? I've had no one to talk to about this since it's happened.
My boobs are all tender and I have gas like a truck driver.
Wow, you have been holding back.
Okay, please continue to do so.
Um, but maybe you need to talk to Joe about this.
Oh, no no no.
Joejoebee and I just reconnected.
I don't want to scare him off.
He's such a special guy.
And I've dated a lot of guys- a lot.
Like a parking lot? How could this have happened? I thought I had that rhythm method down pat.
Yeah, well, sometimes you miss a beat.
But look, if you want a future with Joe, you need to tell him about this.
Oh no! I mean, not for a few months.
I can hide it under big bulky clothes.
Oh, you'll lend me something, right? Okay, I'm just gonna chalk that up to you not thinking clearly.
Oh, where's my Joejoebee? I need my Joejoebee.
Okay, sweetie, you're gonna have to stop saying "Joejoebee," 'cause it does something to me right here.
Hey, Mel, is- oh, Tiffypop! Joejoebee.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Yeah, you're not the only one.
So what have you two ladies been doing up here, huh? Talking about boys and sharing secrets? Uh, we've been sharing and there are secrets, but not for long.
Right, Tiff? Yeah yeah.
Let's go, Joe.
She's kind of sweet, isn't she? - Come on, Joejoebee! - Coming, Tiffypop.
Yeah, Tiffy gonna pop.
Oh, good morning.
You're up early.
Yeah, I just wanted to hear how last night went with Tiffany.
Oh, it went amazing.
Really? So, you know, she didn't say anything unusual? Anything you weren't expecting? Actually she did.
She said that she was thinking about going to nursing school.
I didn't expect that.
Nursing, yeah, that- that- she could be good at that.
All right, no more eBay for you.
Thank you.
Today is the last day of voting, so I'm going for broke.
I'm gonna try to take most dramatic, most stylish, and the biggest flirt.
Throw in "most likely not to pay for dinner," and you got the typical girl.
Oh, come on, you know I'm right.
And I have a secret weapon for most dramatic.
Lennox? Fake faint.
Huh? Huh? Now that is some drama.
All right, that's gonna work itself out, I hope.
I mean, there's a school counselor, right? All right, speaking of drama, just curious- Tiffany didn't mention anything we talked about last night? As hard as this may be for you to believe, we actually didn't talk about you.
Joe, I told you I have to be at school 45 minutes early today, right? - No, you didn't.
- I wrote it down.
How could I not see that? - All right, let's move.
- Joe, I just- I can't.
I gotta get him to school.
Can it wait? Yeah, it can wait.
Mel, the anti-cruising police detail in the park was just caught cruising in the park.
The press want a statement.
You're not listening.
Do you hate me? Steph, sit.
I need some advice.
From- from- from me? Okay.
All right, girl to girl, it's about a pregnancy.
Oh my God! You're pregnant? How? I mean why? I mean yikes.
An unmarried promiscuous city official? The press is gonna crucify us.
Oh, but I think a baby is a blessing.
Wow, well, I think a calm assistant is a blessing.
I'm not pregnant.
It's about a friend.
Oh, a "friend," right.
Good.
I can spin that.
How would you be able to spin that if I were actually pregnant and I said that some- never mind.
All right, here's the deal- Joe has started seeing his ex-wife again.
My reaction exactly but with both hands.
Yeah, so she comes over when Joe's not home so I can see what a nice piece of psychotic work she is.
And then she blurts out that she's pregnant and I can't tell Joe.
But he deserves to know that he's seeing someone who's gonna have another man's baby.
What the hell am I supposed to do? I should have stopped you before you unloaded all this.
I'm really terrible at giving advice.
I thought this was gonna be about your new hair color, - because on that - Okay, dig deeper.
My mother Elaine is really good at these kinds of situations.
So I think this is what she would say- Darling, I think you got a thing for this Joe guy and that's what's really bothering you.
You need to figure out your own feelings first and then tell him what that girl told you and you don't want him getting back with that crazy hussy.
Thanks, Stephanie.
Oh, don't thank me; Thank Elaine.
Yeah, but she's not actually- Thanks, Elaine.
Great, you're home early.
No, this is not a "great, you're home early.
" This is a "you're home early.
Why? What's wrong?" - There's something I need to tell you.
- Me first.
Check out this little awesome piece of technology I just got us.
No longer will I have to read a shopping list written in your chicken scratch.
My chicken scratch? Yours looks like a two-year-old used a broken crayon on a wet napkin.
Whatever.
Watch this.
Bananas.
- "Bananas.
" - Huh? Isn't that great? It prints out everything you say.
- Go ahead, give it a try.
- No, Joe, I- - come on, give it a try.
- Joe, I need to tell you something.
Say it into the machine.
Say it into the machine, all right? Try it.
By the way, it helps if you enunciate.
Tiffany got knocked up by some guy and she's not telling you.
Uh-oh.
Why are you saying "uh-oh"? The irresponsible idiot who got her pregnant should be saying "uh-oh.
" Uh-oh.
It's you? You're the father of Tiffany's baby? But I thought you were taking it slow? I thought it was a burgeoning friendship? It burgeoned.
But your first date was just last week.
How could it possibly be you? Yeah, that was our first date, but it wasn't technically the first time we'd been together since we broke up.
None of this is making any sense.
Can we talk in private? All right, about a month ago Tiffany came by the house.
I would have remembered that.
No, it was in the middle of the day.
You were out saving Toledo and all.
Anyway, she came by and she said that she missed me and that she was ready to take our marriage vows seriously.
Oh, and what were your vows- "let's do this thang"? Sorry.
Go ahead.
Listening, not judging.
Maybe just a little.
It was actually kind of amazing.
I mean, here I am, broke and living in someone else's house and she still wanted to be with me.
I mean, that's- that's love, right? So you think it's true love because you had a quickie in the basement? - We never made it to the basement.
- Whoa, where'd you make it? That- that's not important.
What's important is- - My room? - What? No! I would never.
That's disgusting.
Plus it would have taken way too long to get up there.
- Anyway, the point is- - Where? - Do you really have to know where? - Yes.
Fine, all right.
It happened, um Oh, gross me out! Oh my God, you just let me sit there? That's not even scotchgarded.
But then again, nothing was protected around here, was it? Hey, I am sorry, all right? But I got a lot bigger problems to worry about right now than deflowering your sofa.
I thought you were building trust.
Is this how you build trust? - With her, not with you.
- Do you even give any thought to what life with a baby is gonna be like? I just found out five minutes ago! It's still sinking in.
It's definitely sinking.
Oh God, it just sunk.
How could I be so careless? How could I do this? I mean our entire marriage I never gave her a present once without wrapping it first.
All right.
I know.
I know.
You're a good person who didn't mean to slip up.
But I did.
I did, didn't I? I'm gonna have to remarry Tiffany.
I'm gonna have to move out of here and get my own place and, you know, probably get a second job.
And I'll be up all night changing diapers so I'll have no time at all to go to the gym.
So all the years that I've sunk into this body are gonna be completely wasted.
I'm gonna have to call Tiffany right now and propose.
Okay, you know what? I don't think the answer to this problem is more Tiffany.
I think this is a time to breathe and think and just keep Tiffany out of your mind.
Joejoebee? - Oh no.
- Tiffypop.
Joejoebee, I had to see you.
There's something I need to talk to you about.
Sweetie, it's okay.
Mel told me about the baby.
How could you after you pinky-swore on our friendship? Okay, what kind of legal contract is this? Tiffany, it's okay.
All right? I'm- I'm okay with this and I am up for the challenge and I will be a great great father.
Aw! How could I have ever let you go? Oh, and by the way, I got my period.
I'm not pregnant.
Oh, thank the infernal gods.
I mean, whatever.
So, okay, so you're not pregnant, which means that I'm not pregnant.
Well, this whole baby scare got me thinking about us, how great we were together and how great we could be again.
Tell me you don't think about it.
I do sometimes, yeah.
There's no problem between us that a baby couldn't solve.
Let's make a baby right here on our lucky couch.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
You're like a big carnival of crazy.
How about it, Joejoebee? Joe- But she needs me.
She needs me to go to her right now and wrap my big strong arms around her.
No no no, she needs a straitjacket with big strong straps around her.
I just don't want you to race back into this relationship for the wrong reasons.
I'm gonna give you two a minute while I go call one of those crime-scene clean-up crews.
Look, Tiffany- uh uh! Tiffypop.
Tiffany, um Although your offer is very tempting, having a baby is a really big decision.
So I think that you and I should just take a little bit of time to think about this, you know, in our own places, and just know that we'll always have the- the couch.
Oh.
Okay sure.
No hurry.
But just so you know, I'll be ovulating in two weeks.
Call me.
I will definitely consider that.
Oh, you'll call me.
Wow.
She is crazy hot.
Yeah, you're half right.
I hope you're really not seriously gonna get back into that whole thing.
I mean, you deserve a nice normal sane woman.
Know where I could find one of those? Not in my immediate circle.
Hey, Burke, thanks for looking out for me.
Yeah, well, nobody needs chaos like that in his life.
I don't know.
I sort of like a little bit of chaos in my life.
This whole thing is your fault.
Oh, except for all the parts that are your fault.
I thought that guy on top of you was a pervert.
Okay, when you say pervert, I know I can't duck it.
- What happened? - Who did that to your eye? Oh, I'll tell you.
You remember this morning when I said that I was gonna fake faint? And your aunt should have tried harder to stop you? Mm-hmm yes, go on.
Well, I did.
And then some old guy jumped on top of me to give me CPR.
Yeah, I never saw her faint.
I just saw this big dude on top of her so I jumped on top of him.
He was the P.
E.
Teacher.
Mr.
Carlson? He's enormous.
Yeah, and he doesn't like when people grab him by the whistle.
Well, you should mind your own business.
You should thank me for pulling old bald men off of you.
All right, take this to the kitchen.
All right? We need to get a steak on that eye immediately.
So is this enough chaos for you? Yeah, it'll do for now.
- So how's the steak, man? - It's good.
Joe, this isn't the same one I had on my eye for three hours, is it? Everybody's got to live on a budget.
You guys, look- I made the list.
I made the list.
Lennox Scanlon, "Most Unpredictable".
And we're happy about this? Uh yeah.
I mean, I'm on the board, not that I, you know, care about these things.
Yeah, we don't know what she thinks because she's unpredictable.
I could leave upstairs or I could leave through the door.
We just don't know.
And we don't care.
This is nice, you know? We should do labels like this in our house.
Um, for instance, I would be best hair, best aunt and best personality.
What, on opposite day? Yeah, well, you would get most mature- not! Right after you got least consistent about everything you ever say.
Eh, nah nah nah nah nah.
Ryder, do you want to go upstairs? I cannot deal with one of these right now.
Yeah, me either.
"Nah nah nah nah.
" What was that? What are you, a roadrunner or something? You would get most annoying.
- Oh, I'd get most annoying? - Yeah.
Really? Okay, well, I learned from the best.
- And most bald.