Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e13 Episode Script
Intermission
1 (Chopin's "Funeral March" plays) (hinge squeaks) IT'S Man: THERE WILL NOW BE A SHORT INTERMISSION.
(theme from A Summer Place plays) (tires screeching) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with squawk) (theme from A Summer Place plays) Man: THERE WILL NOW BE A MEDIUM-SIZED INTERMISSION.
(suction cup pops) (quacking) (burps) NOT BAD FOR A STARTER BUT NOW PERHAPS SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE SAVORY.
OOH, I DON'T LIKE THIS, OOH, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
OH, I DON'T THINK MUCH TO ALL THIS.
OH, FANCY USING THAT WALLPAPER.
FANCY USING MUSTARD.
OOH, IS THAT A PROPER ONE? OOH, IT'S NOT REAL.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER RESTAURAN UNLESS THEY GIVE YOU FINGER BOWLS.
OOH, I DON'T LIKE HIM.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY IN A FEW YEARS.
(audience laughs) UH, PLEASE EXCUSE MY WIFE.
SHE MAY APPEAR TO BE RATHER NASTY BUT UNDERNEATH SHE HAS A HEART OF FORMICA.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE GE ALL SORTS OF LINES IN HERE.
THE HEADWAITER WILL BE ALONG TO ABUSE YOU IN A FEW MOMENTS AND NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO AND COMMIT SUICIDE.
OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING SERIOUS.
OH, GOOD.
(bullet fires, man screams) QUITE FRANKLY, I'M AGAINS PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE.
I DON'T LIKE THAT SORT OF PERSON AT ALL.
I'M PLAIN PEOPLE AND I'M PROUD OF IT.
MY MOTHER'S THE SAL OF THE EARTH AND I DON'T TAKE THE PILL 'CAUSE IT'S NASTY.
PLEASE EXCUSE MY WIFE SHE MAY NOT BE VERY BEAUTIFUL AND SHE MAY HAVE NO MONEY AND SHE MAY BE A LITTLE TALENTLESS BORING AND DULL, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND SORRY, I CAN' THINK OF ANYTHING.
(laughter) FINE I'M THE HEADWAITER.
THIS IS A VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT ONLY.
WE SERVE NO ANIMAL FLESH OF ANY KIND.
WE'RE NOT ONLY PROUD OF THA WE'RE SMUG ABOUT IT.
SO, IF YOU WERE TO COME IN HERE ASKING ME TO RIP OPEN A SMALL, DEFENSELESS CHICKEN SO YOU COULD CHEW ITS SKIN AND EAT ITS INTESTINES I'M AFRAID I WOULD HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
LIKEWISE IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME TO SLICE THE SIDES OFF A COW AND SERVE I WITH SMALL PIECES OF ITS LIVER OR, INDEED, DRAIN THE LIFEBLOOD FROM A PIG BEFORE CUTTING OFF ONE OF ITS LEGS (shouting): OR CARVE THE LIVING GIBLETS FROM A SHEEP AND SERVE THEM WITH THE FRESH BRAINS, BOWELS GUTS AND SPLEEN OF A SMALL RABBI WE WOULDN'T DO IT! (calmly): NOT FOR FOOD, ANYWAY.
QUITE FRANKLY, I'M AGAINST PEOPLE WHO GIVE VEN TO THEIR LOQUACITY BY EXTRANEOUS BOMBASTIC CIRCUMLOCUTION.
OH, I DON' LIKE THAT.
SOMETIMES, SHIRLEY, I THINK YOU'RE ALMOST HUMAN.
DO YOU KNOW I STILL WET MY BED.
(laughter) ONCE, I MARRIED SOMEONE WHO WAS BEAUTIFUL AND YOUNG AND GAY AND FREE.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HER? YOU DIVORCED HER AND MARRIED ME.
(fan whirs) I MET MY SECOND WIFE AT A SECOND-WIFE- SWAPPING PARTY.
TRUST ME TO ARRIVE LATE.
ALWAYS WERE LATE, WEREN'T YOU, THOMPSON? HELLO, HEADMASTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? FINE, FINE, FINE, THANK YOU.
FINE, THANK YOU.
NO MORE SHERRY FOR ME, DON'T YOU KNOW.
WARNER HOUSE BEA BADGER HOUSE FOR THE SECOND CUPPA, REMARKABLE.
WE HAD TO PUT MOST OF THE SECOND FORM TO SLEEP.
NO PADRE BAD BUSINESS.
THEY WERE BEGINNING TO PLAY WITH THEMSELVES.
STILL YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY WIFE ANYWHERE, HAVE YOU? NO.
OH, THANK Woman: OH, I DON'T LIKE HIM.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ALL MEN ARE THE SAME.
IMAGINE NO THAT THESE FOUR WALLS CONTAIN THE MIGHTY OWL OF THEBES FOR, GENTLES ALL, BEAUTY SITS MOST CLOSELY TO THEM IT CAN CONSTRUE.
NO, I DOESN'T.
SORRY.
(laughter) FINE WOULD YOU CARE FOR A GLASS OF BLOOD? OH, WHAT A GIVEAWAY.
NO, WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE MENU PLEASE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER RESTAURAN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROPER MENU AND ANYWAY, I MIGHT BE PREGNANT.
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE FOR A DRINK? EVER SINCE YOU'VE MARRIED ME, DOUGLAS YOU'VE TREATED ME LIKE AN ALBATROSS.
EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.
I HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO EN JOY ME THIS EVENING.
I'M THE SPECIAL.
TRY ME WITH SOME RICE.
Man: I BEG YOUR PARDON? A HOPKINS AU GRATIN A LA CHEF.
AH, HOW DO YOU? DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD.
I DON'T LIKE THAT.
THERE'S DUST ON HERE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER MEAL WITHOUT PUDDING.
MY HUSBAND'S AN ARCHITECT.
OH, ONE WORD OF WARNING, SIR, A LITTLE TIP.
DON'T HAVE ANY OF THE VICAR OVER THERE.
HE'S BEEN HERE TWO WEEKS AND NOBODY'S TOUCHED HIM ENOUGH SAID? YES, THANK YOU.
WELL, I MUST GET ON OR I'LL SPOIL.
JANET, TO THE KITCHEN.
(tinny music plays with canned applause) THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP IN THE LOBBY, SIR.
I DON'T KNOW WHO KEEPS BRINGING THEM IN HERE.
OH, I DON' LIKE THAT.
I THINK IT'S SILLY.
IT'S NO A PROPER SKETCH WITHOUT A PROPER PUNCH LINE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ANYTHING, I'M STUPID.
I'M MUGGINS, NOBODY CARES WHAT I THINK.
I'M ALWAYS THE ONE THA HAS TO DO EVERYTHING.
NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME.
I'LL HAVE BLOODY BABIES AND THEY CAN BLOODY WELL CARE ABOUT ME.
IT MAKES YOU SICK, HALF THIS TELEVISION.
THEY NEVER STOP TALKING.
HE'LL BE THE RUINATION OF HER.
RHYTHM METHOD! (theme from A Summer Place plays) Man: THERE WILL NOW BE A WHOPPING GREAT INTERMISSION DURING WHICH SMALL ICE CREAMS IN VERY LARGE BOXES WILL BE SOLD.
ANOTHER WAY WE CAN DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY FROM THE CINEMA IS BY SHOWING YOU ADVERTISEMENTS.
(upbeat music plays) (laughter) Man: DO YOU LIKE THIS? OR HOW ABOUT THIS? OR PERHAPS YOU PREFER THIS LATEST MODEL? THEN WHY NOT COME TO US? WE SUPPLY ONLY THE VERY BEST MODELS.
AFTER THE SHOW, WHY NOT VISI THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURANT JUST TWO MINUTES FROM THIS PERFORMANCE.
THE MANAGER, MR.
LUIGI VERCOTTI, WILL BE PLEASED TO WELCOME YOU AND INTRODUCE YOU TO A WIDE VARIETY OF FAMOUS SICILIAN DELICACIES.
HERE YOU CAN RELAX IN COMFOR IN FRIENDLY SURROUNDINGS.
OR IF YOU WISH, YOU MAY DRINK AND DANCE TILL MIDNIGHT.
AT THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURAN YOU CAN SAMPLE ALL THE SPICY PLEASURES OF THE MEDITERRANEAN.
THE HEADWAITER WILL BE PLEASED TO SHOW YOU HIS SPECIALITIES.
OR WHY NOT ASK THE COOK FOR SOMETHING REALLY HOT? YES, FOR AN EVENING YOU'LL NEVER FORGE IT'S THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURAN CHELSEA, PARKHURST, DARTMOOR AND THE SCRUBS.
(upbeat music plays) ALBATROSS! (laughter) (shouts): ALBATROSS! ALBATROSS? TWO CHOC ICES, PLEASE.
I HAVEN'T GO CHOC ICES.
I'VE ONLY GO THE ALBATROSS.
ALBATROSS! WHAT FLAVOR IS IT? IT'S A BIRD, ISN'T IT? IT'S A BLOODY SEABIRD.
IT'S NO ANY BLOODY FLAVOR.
ALBATROSS! DO YOU GE WAFERS WITH IT? (angrily): OF COURSE YOU DON' GET BLOODY WAFERS WITH IT! ALBATROSS! HOW MUCH IS IT? NINE PENCE.
I'LL HAVE TWO PLEASE.
(shouts): GANNET ON A STICK.
Man: THERE WILL NOW BE A VERY SHORT (explosion) ("God Save the Queen" plays) WELL, THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT.
AND NOW A POLICEMAN NEAR ROTTINGDEANS.
(shakily): ALBATROSS! Man: INSPECTOR, INSPECTOR.
MM-HMM.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY BUT I WAS SITTING ON A PARK BENCH OVER THERE TOOK MY COAT OFF FOR A MINUTE AND THEN I FOUND MY WALLET HAD BEEN STOLEN AND £15 TAKEN FROM IT.
WELL, DID YOU, UH DID YOU SEE ANYONE TAKE I ANYONE HANGING AROUND OR NO, NO, THERE WAS NO ONE THERE AT ALL.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE.
WELL, THERE'S NOT VERY MUCH WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT, SIR.
(faintly): OH.
DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE? YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
(laughter) (feebly): ALBATROSS.
MR.
BURTENSHAW? ME, DOCTOR? NO, ME DOCTOR, YOU MR.
BURTENSHAW.
MY WIFE, DOCTOR? NO, YOUR WIFE PATIENT ME DOCTOR.
COME THIS WAY, PLEASE.
ME, SISTER? NO, SHE SISTER, ME DOCTOR YOU MR.
BURTENSHAW.
Woman: DR.
WALTERS? ME NURSE.
YOU MR.
BURTENSHAW.
SHE SISTER, YOU DOCTOR.
NO, DOCTOR.
NO DOCTOR, CALL AMBULANCE, KEEP WARM.
DRINK, DOCTOR? DRINK DOCTOR, EAT SISTER COOK MR.
BURTENSHAW, NURSE ME.
YOU, DOCTOR? ME DOCTOR.
YOU MR.
BURTENSHAW.
SHE NURSE.
BUT MY WIFE, NURSE.
YOUR WIFE NOT NURSE.
SHE NURSE, YOUR WIFE PATIENT.
BE PATIENT, SHE NURSE YOUR WIFE.
ME DOCTOR, YEW TREE.
UTRECHT, UTRILLO U THANT, EUPHEMISM.
ME DOCTOR.
ALBATROSS! (slurring): I'D LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE OF SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE.
(slurring): I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE SOUND OF TWO BRICKS BEING BASHED TOGETHER.
(slurring): I'D LIKE TO SEE JOHN THE BAPTIST'S IMPERSONATION OF GRAHAM HILL.
Announcer: YES, IT'S HISTORICAL IMPERSONATIONS WHEN YOU IN THE PRESENT CAN MAKE THOSE IN THE PAS STARS OF THE FUTURE.
(canned applause playing) AND HERE IS YOUR HOS FOR TONIGHT, WALLY WIGGIN.
(canned applause ends) HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO HISTORICAL IMPERSONATIONS.
AND WE KICK OFF TONIGH WITH CARDINAL RICHELIEU AND HIS IMPERSONATION OF PETULA CLARK.
Clark: OH, DON'T SLEEP IN THE SUBWAY, DARLING DON'T STAND IN THE POURING RAIN (loud canned applause) CARDINAL RICHELIEU SIXTEEN STONE OF PURE MAN.
AND NOW YOUR FAVORITE ROMAN EMPEROR, JULIUS CAESAR AS EDDIE WARING.
TOTA GALLIA DIVISA ES IN TRES PARTES WIGAN, HUNSLET AND HULL KINGSTON ROVERS.
WELL DONE INDEED, JULIUS CAESAR A SMILE, A CONQUES AND A DAGGER UP YOUR STRAP.
OUR NEXT CHALLENGER COMES ALL THE WAY FROM THE CRIMEA.
IT'S THE VERY LOVELY FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE AS BRIAN LONDON.
(bell dings) (groans) AND NOW FOR OUR MOS AMBITIOUS ATTEMPT TONIGHT.
ALL THE WAY FROM MOSCOW IN THE U.
S.
S.
OF R.
, IVAN THE TERRIBLE AS A SALES ASSISTAN IN FREEMAN, HARDY AND WILLIS.
(screams) AND NOW W.
G.
GRACE AS A MUSIC BOX.
(knob clicks) (music box melody plays) Wiggin: AND NOW IT'S FRANCE'S TURN.
ONE OF THEIR TOP STATESMEN, NAPOLEON, AS THE R-101 DISASTER.
("Marseillaise" playing) (applause) (explosion) (wind blows) AND NOW IT'S REQUEST TIME.
(slurring): I WOULD LIKE TO SEE JOHN THE BAPTIST'S IMPERSONATION OF GRAHAM HILL.
(engine starts then accelerates) AND NOW A SHORT INTERMISSION DURING WHICH MARCEL MARCEAU WILL IMPERSONATE A MAN WALKING AGAINST THE WIND.
Wiggin: AND NOW MARCEL WILL MIME A MAN BEING STRUCK ABOUT THE HEAD BY A 16-TON WEIGHT.
(loud cheering) (gently): WHAT'S YOUR NAME? (shyly): ERIC.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A 16-TON WEIGH DROPPED ON TOP OF YOU, ERIC? DON'T KNOW.
HOW ABOUT YOU? I WAN TO HAVE WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAVE? I WAN TO HAVE WHAT? I WANT TO HAVE RACQUEL WELCH DROPPED ON TOP OF ME.
DROPPED ON TOP OF YOU? OH, YES, NO CLIMBING.
SHE'S GO A BIG BOTTOM.
(applause and laughter) AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME? TREVOR ATKINSON.
AND HOW OLD ARE YOU, TREVOR? I'M 42.
ARE YOU A FRIEND OF TREVOR'S? YES, WE'RE ALL COLLEAGUES FROM THE EMPIRE AND GENERAL INSURANCE COMPANY.
AND WHA DO YOU DO? WELL, I DEAL MAINLY WITH MORTGAGE- PROTECTION POLICIES BUT I ALSO DO CERTAIN TYPES OF LIFE ASSURANCE.
NOW, IF YOU AND YOUR PAL HAD ONE BIG WISH, TREVOR WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ON TELEVISION? I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE FAIRY STORIES ABOUT THE POLICE.
AND SO YOU SHALL.
(laughter) (whistling) (clears throat) (humming) (whistling) (laughter) (whistles) (laughter) (lively classical theme plays) (pop) YES, WE IN THE SPECIAL CRIMES SQUAD HAVE BEEN USING WANDS FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW.
YOU FIND IT'S EASY TO MAKE YOURSELF INVISIBLE.
YOU CAN DEFY TIME AND SPACE AND YOU CAN TURN VIOLEN CRIMINALS INTO FROGS SOMETHING WHICH YOU COULD NEVER DO WITH THE OLD TRUNCHEONS.
YES, TONIGHT PROBEAROUND TAKES A LOOK AT CRIME.
(gunshot) (laughter) I'M SORRY ABOUT THA BUT I ALWAYS INTRODUCE THIS PROGRAM, NOT HIM.
YES, TONIGHT PROBEAROUND TAKES A LOOK AT CRIME.
IS IT TRUE THAT THE POLICE ARE USING DACHSHUNDS TO COMBAT THE CRIME WAVE? CAN THE HEAD OF THE VICE SQUAD TURN HIMSELF INTO AN ALBATROSS WHENEVER HE WANTS TO? JUST WHAT ARE THE POLICE UP TO? OH, I'M UP TO PAGE 39 WHERE PETER PAN FIRS MANIFESTS HIMSELF.
WITH ME NOW IS INSPECTOR HARRY H.
"SNAPPER" ORGANS OF "H" DIVISION.
GOOD EVENING.
INSPECTOR, I BELIEVE YOU ARE ENCOURAGING MAGIC IN THE POLICE FORCE.
THAT IS CORRECT.
THE CRIMINAL MIND'S A STRANGE, CONTORTED ONE GOOD EVENING.
THE MIND IS SUBJECT TO SEVERE MENTAL STRESSES GOOD EVENING.
GUILT FEARS ABOUND GOOD EVENING IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS.
IN THIS STATE, ONE OF OUR LADS WITH A FAIR TRAINING IN THE BLACK ARTS CAN SCARE THE FERTILIZER OUT OF THEM.
JUST HOW ARE THE POLICE COMBATING THE INCREASE WITH THE USE OF THE OCCULT? EX-KING ZOG OF ALBANIA REPORTS.
(bell rings) WELL, WE SEEM TO HAVE LOST EX-KING ZOG THERE BUT WHO CARES? JUST WHAT KINDS OF MAGIC ARE THE POLICE INTRODUCING INTO THEIR CRIME-PREVENTION TECHNIQUES? Policemen: U-P Y O U R S.
"UP YOURS"!? WHAT A RUDE OUIJA BOARD! (siren wails) (laughter) (policemen moaning) (yelling wildly) Man: NOW, THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT GIVES THE POLICE A BAD NAME, SERGEANT.
I KNOW, SIR.
(buzzer sounds) YES, BERYL? Man: Attila the Hun to see you, sir.
WHO? Attila the Hun, sir.
OH, BOTHERKINS! CONSTABLE, GO AND SEE TO HIM, WILL YOU? WHAT? IN THIS DRESS? OH, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
OH, I'VE GOT A LITTLE GREEN PINNY I COULD WEAR.
NO, NO, NO, I'LL GO.
YOU STAY HERE.
OH, GOODY! I CAN GE ON WITH THE IRONING.
RIGHT WHERE IS HE? Beryl: OVER THERE, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT, LEAVE THIS TO ME.
NOW, THEN, SIR, YOU ARE ATTILA THE HUN.
THAT'S RIGHT, YES, A.
T.
HUN.
MY PARENTS WERE MR.
AND MRS.
NORMAN HUN BUT THEY HAD A LITTLE JOKE WHEN I WAS BORN.
(titters) YES WELL, MR.
HUN OH, CALL ME "THE," FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! OH WELL, THE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE US ABOUT? I'VE COME TO GIVE MYSELF UP.
WHAT FOR? LOOTING, PILLAGING AND SACKING A MAJOR CITY.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? LOOTING, PILLAGING, SACKING A MAJOR CITY AND I'D LIKE 9,000 OTHER CHARGES TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION, PLEASE.
I SAY, EXCUSE ME, MR.
HUN.
(laughter) HAVE YOU ANY OBJECTION TO TAKING A BREATH TEST? OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
RIGHT SERGEANT, WILL YOU BRING THE ANALYZER, PLEASE? HERE WE ARE, SIR.
HOW'S IT WORK? WELL, IF HE BREATHES INTO IT, SIR AND THE WHITE CRYSTALS TURN LIME GREEN THEN HE IS ATTILA THE HUN, SIR.
I SEE WELL, WOULD YOU MIND BREATHING INTO THIS, MR.
HUN? RIGHT.
(laughter) WHAT IF NOTHING HAPPENS, SERGEANT? HE'S ALEXANDER THE GREAT, SIR! AHA! CAUGHT YOU, MR.
A.
T.
GREAT! OH, CURSES, CURSES! I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE, DISGUISED AS ATTILA THE HUN.
O-HO, PERHAPS SO, BUT YOU MADE ONE FATAL MISTAKE.
YOU SEE, THIS WASN' A HUNALYZER.
IT WAS AN ALEXANDER- THE-GREATALYZER.
TAKE HIM AWAY, BERYL! Man (reading): "DEAR SIR, I OBJEC VERY STRONGLY TO THAT LAST SCENE AND TO THE NEXT LETTER.
" Man 2 (reading): "DEAR SIR, I OBJECT TO BEING OBJECTED TO "BY THE LAST LETTER "BEFORE MY DRIFT HAS BECOME APPARENT.
"I SPENT MANY YEARS IN INDIA DURING THE LAST WAR "AND AM NOW A PART-TIME NOTICE BOARD "IN A PROMINENT PUBLIC SCHOOL.
"YOURS ETC.
, BRIGADIER ZOE LA RUE (DECEASED).
P.
S.
AGHHH!" Man 3 (reading): "DEAR SIR, WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL "I WAS BEATEN REGULARLY EVERY 30 MINUTES "AND IT NEVER DID ME ANY HARM "EXCEPT FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL MALADJUSTMEN "AND BLURRED VISION.
YOURS TRULY, FLIGHT LIEUTENAN KEN FRANKENSTEIN (MRS.
).
" (siren wails) HUH? (laughter) (door opens, closes) (hurried footsteps) (door opens, closes) (hurried footsteps continue) (woman screams) (door closes, footsteps continue) (heavy panting) Man: I WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR.
(light laughter) DR.
LARCH, THERE'S A MR.
PHELPS TO SEE YOU.
UH, NURSE? YES? YOU DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I'M A PSYCHIATRIST? WHAT? WELL, I COULD BE ANY TYPE OF DOCTOR.
WELL, I CAN'T COME IN AND SAY "PSYCHIATRIST LARCH" OR "DR.
LARCH, WHO IS A PSYCHIATRIST.
" OH, ANYWAY, LOOK, IT'S WRITTEN ON THE DOOR.
(whispering): THAT'S OUTSIDE.
WELL, I DON'T CARE.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF.
(imitates phone ringing) HELLO? NO, WRONG NUMBER, I'M AFRAID.
THIS IS A PSYCHIATRIST SPEAKING.
NEXT, PLEASE.
(knock at door) COME IN.
(laughter) BOW WOW WOW.
AH, MR.
PHELPS COME ON IN, TAKE A SEAT.
NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M SORRY? OH, CAN'T YOU DO BETTER THAN THAT? I MEAN, IT'S SO PREDICTABLE.
I'VE SEEN I A MILLION TIMES.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK; "COME IN; AH, MR.
PHELPS, TAKE A SEAT.
" I'VE SEEN I AND SEEN IT.
WELL, LOOK, WILL YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN AND DO YOUR FIRST LINE? NO, NO, I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
(door closes) (light laughter) I CAN'T EVEN GET IT STARTED.
Phelps (distantly): ALBATROSS! SHUT UP! OH, IT DRIVES ME MAD.
A MAD PSYCHIATRIST, THAT'D BE NEW HUH! NEXT, PLEASE.
(knock at door) C OH.
(clears throat) (mumbles) CROSS THE THRESHOLD, ARRIVE, INGRESS GAIN ADMITTANCE, INFILTRATE.
AH, MR.
NOTLOB, UH, PARK YOUR HIPS ON THE SITTING DEVICE.
IT IS A MAD PSYCHIATRIST.
I'M NOT, I'M NOT! COME ON IN, TAKE A SEAT.
WHAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER? (blows raspberry) NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER? WELL, I KEEP HEARING GUITARS PLAYING AND PEOPLE SINGING WHEN THERE'S NO ONE AROUND.
YES, WELL, THIS IS NOT AT ALL UNCOMMON.
IN CERTAIN MENTAL STATES WE FIND THAT AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS OCCUR WHICH ARE OF A MOST WE CAN STAY ALL DAY WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO IS THAT "WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE ZOO TOMORROW"? YES, YES.
IS IT ALWAYS THAT? NO.
WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING.
BUT IT'S MAINLY FOLK SONGS.
LAST NIGHT I HAD "WE'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN"FOR SIX HOURS! WELL, LOOK, I THINK I'D BETTER HAVE A SECOND OPINION ON THIS.
I WANT YOU TO SEE A COLLEAGUE OF MINE A SPECIALIST IN THESE SORT OF THINGS WHO HAS AN OFFICE VERY MUCH LIKE THIS ONE AS A MATTER OF FACT.
OOH (clears throat) (light laughter) (imitates phone ringing) UM, NO, NO, WRONG NUMBER.
I'M A COLLEAGUE OF HIS A SURGEON WHO SPECIALIZES IN THESE KIND OF THINGS.
YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NEXT, PLEASE.
(knock at door) COME IN.
AH, COME IN, PLEASE TAKE A SEAT.
MY COLLEAGUE, WHO HAS A SIMILAR OFFICE HAS EXPLAINED YOUR CASE TO ME.
("We're All Going to the Zoo" plays faintly) MR.
NOTLOB, AS YOU KNOW I AM A LEADING HARLEY STREET SURGEON (Dr.
Kildare theme plays) AS SEEN ON TELEVISION.
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO OPERATE.
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ALTHOUGH IT IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
(laughter) I SHALL BE JUGGLING WITH YOUR LIFE.
I SHALL BE PLAYING DUCKS AND DRAKES WITH YOUR VERY EXISTENCE.
I SHALL BE RUNNING ME MITTS OVER THE PITH OF YOUR MARROW YES, THESE HANDS THESE FINGERS THESE SOPHISTICATED ORGANS OF TOUCH, THESE BUNCHES OF FIVE THESE MAULERS, THESE GERMAN BANDS THAT HAVE PULLED MANY A MORIBUND UNFORTUNATE BACK FROM THE VERY BRINK OF LAZARUS'S BOX.
NO, IT WAS PANDORA'S BOX, WASN'T IT? WELL, ANYWAY, THESE MITTS HAVE EARNED YOURS TRULY A LOT OF BREAD, SO IF YOU'LL JUST STEP THROUGH HERE I'LL SLIT YOU UP A TREAT.
WHAT? MR.
NOTLOB, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU THAT AN EXPENSIVE OPERATION CAN'T PROLONG.
(laughter) ("We're All Going to the Zoo" plays faintly)
(theme from A Summer Place plays) (tires screeching) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with squawk) (theme from A Summer Place plays) Man: THERE WILL NOW BE A MEDIUM-SIZED INTERMISSION.
(suction cup pops) (quacking) (burps) NOT BAD FOR A STARTER BUT NOW PERHAPS SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE SAVORY.
OOH, I DON'T LIKE THIS, OOH, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
OH, I DON'T THINK MUCH TO ALL THIS.
OH, FANCY USING THAT WALLPAPER.
FANCY USING MUSTARD.
OOH, IS THAT A PROPER ONE? OOH, IT'S NOT REAL.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER RESTAURAN UNLESS THEY GIVE YOU FINGER BOWLS.
OOH, I DON'T LIKE HIM.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY IN A FEW YEARS.
(audience laughs) UH, PLEASE EXCUSE MY WIFE.
SHE MAY APPEAR TO BE RATHER NASTY BUT UNDERNEATH SHE HAS A HEART OF FORMICA.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE GE ALL SORTS OF LINES IN HERE.
THE HEADWAITER WILL BE ALONG TO ABUSE YOU IN A FEW MOMENTS AND NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO AND COMMIT SUICIDE.
OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING SERIOUS.
OH, GOOD.
(bullet fires, man screams) QUITE FRANKLY, I'M AGAINS PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE.
I DON'T LIKE THAT SORT OF PERSON AT ALL.
I'M PLAIN PEOPLE AND I'M PROUD OF IT.
MY MOTHER'S THE SAL OF THE EARTH AND I DON'T TAKE THE PILL 'CAUSE IT'S NASTY.
PLEASE EXCUSE MY WIFE SHE MAY NOT BE VERY BEAUTIFUL AND SHE MAY HAVE NO MONEY AND SHE MAY BE A LITTLE TALENTLESS BORING AND DULL, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND SORRY, I CAN' THINK OF ANYTHING.
(laughter) FINE I'M THE HEADWAITER.
THIS IS A VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT ONLY.
WE SERVE NO ANIMAL FLESH OF ANY KIND.
WE'RE NOT ONLY PROUD OF THA WE'RE SMUG ABOUT IT.
SO, IF YOU WERE TO COME IN HERE ASKING ME TO RIP OPEN A SMALL, DEFENSELESS CHICKEN SO YOU COULD CHEW ITS SKIN AND EAT ITS INTESTINES I'M AFRAID I WOULD HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
LIKEWISE IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME TO SLICE THE SIDES OFF A COW AND SERVE I WITH SMALL PIECES OF ITS LIVER OR, INDEED, DRAIN THE LIFEBLOOD FROM A PIG BEFORE CUTTING OFF ONE OF ITS LEGS (shouting): OR CARVE THE LIVING GIBLETS FROM A SHEEP AND SERVE THEM WITH THE FRESH BRAINS, BOWELS GUTS AND SPLEEN OF A SMALL RABBI WE WOULDN'T DO IT! (calmly): NOT FOR FOOD, ANYWAY.
QUITE FRANKLY, I'M AGAINST PEOPLE WHO GIVE VEN TO THEIR LOQUACITY BY EXTRANEOUS BOMBASTIC CIRCUMLOCUTION.
OH, I DON' LIKE THAT.
SOMETIMES, SHIRLEY, I THINK YOU'RE ALMOST HUMAN.
DO YOU KNOW I STILL WET MY BED.
(laughter) ONCE, I MARRIED SOMEONE WHO WAS BEAUTIFUL AND YOUNG AND GAY AND FREE.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HER? YOU DIVORCED HER AND MARRIED ME.
(fan whirs) I MET MY SECOND WIFE AT A SECOND-WIFE- SWAPPING PARTY.
TRUST ME TO ARRIVE LATE.
ALWAYS WERE LATE, WEREN'T YOU, THOMPSON? HELLO, HEADMASTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? FINE, FINE, FINE, THANK YOU.
FINE, THANK YOU.
NO MORE SHERRY FOR ME, DON'T YOU KNOW.
WARNER HOUSE BEA BADGER HOUSE FOR THE SECOND CUPPA, REMARKABLE.
WE HAD TO PUT MOST OF THE SECOND FORM TO SLEEP.
NO PADRE BAD BUSINESS.
THEY WERE BEGINNING TO PLAY WITH THEMSELVES.
STILL YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY WIFE ANYWHERE, HAVE YOU? NO.
OH, THANK Woman: OH, I DON'T LIKE HIM.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ALL MEN ARE THE SAME.
IMAGINE NO THAT THESE FOUR WALLS CONTAIN THE MIGHTY OWL OF THEBES FOR, GENTLES ALL, BEAUTY SITS MOST CLOSELY TO THEM IT CAN CONSTRUE.
NO, I DOESN'T.
SORRY.
(laughter) FINE WOULD YOU CARE FOR A GLASS OF BLOOD? OH, WHAT A GIVEAWAY.
NO, WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE MENU PLEASE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER RESTAURAN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROPER MENU AND ANYWAY, I MIGHT BE PREGNANT.
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE FOR A DRINK? EVER SINCE YOU'VE MARRIED ME, DOUGLAS YOU'VE TREATED ME LIKE AN ALBATROSS.
EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.
I HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO EN JOY ME THIS EVENING.
I'M THE SPECIAL.
TRY ME WITH SOME RICE.
Man: I BEG YOUR PARDON? A HOPKINS AU GRATIN A LA CHEF.
AH, HOW DO YOU? DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD.
I DON'T LIKE THAT.
THERE'S DUST ON HERE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER MEAL WITHOUT PUDDING.
MY HUSBAND'S AN ARCHITECT.
OH, ONE WORD OF WARNING, SIR, A LITTLE TIP.
DON'T HAVE ANY OF THE VICAR OVER THERE.
HE'S BEEN HERE TWO WEEKS AND NOBODY'S TOUCHED HIM ENOUGH SAID? YES, THANK YOU.
WELL, I MUST GET ON OR I'LL SPOIL.
JANET, TO THE KITCHEN.
(tinny music plays with canned applause) THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP IN THE LOBBY, SIR.
I DON'T KNOW WHO KEEPS BRINGING THEM IN HERE.
OH, I DON' LIKE THAT.
I THINK IT'S SILLY.
IT'S NO A PROPER SKETCH WITHOUT A PROPER PUNCH LINE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ANYTHING, I'M STUPID.
I'M MUGGINS, NOBODY CARES WHAT I THINK.
I'M ALWAYS THE ONE THA HAS TO DO EVERYTHING.
NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME.
I'LL HAVE BLOODY BABIES AND THEY CAN BLOODY WELL CARE ABOUT ME.
IT MAKES YOU SICK, HALF THIS TELEVISION.
THEY NEVER STOP TALKING.
HE'LL BE THE RUINATION OF HER.
RHYTHM METHOD! (theme from A Summer Place plays) Man: THERE WILL NOW BE A WHOPPING GREAT INTERMISSION DURING WHICH SMALL ICE CREAMS IN VERY LARGE BOXES WILL BE SOLD.
ANOTHER WAY WE CAN DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY FROM THE CINEMA IS BY SHOWING YOU ADVERTISEMENTS.
(upbeat music plays) (laughter) Man: DO YOU LIKE THIS? OR HOW ABOUT THIS? OR PERHAPS YOU PREFER THIS LATEST MODEL? THEN WHY NOT COME TO US? WE SUPPLY ONLY THE VERY BEST MODELS.
AFTER THE SHOW, WHY NOT VISI THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURANT JUST TWO MINUTES FROM THIS PERFORMANCE.
THE MANAGER, MR.
LUIGI VERCOTTI, WILL BE PLEASED TO WELCOME YOU AND INTRODUCE YOU TO A WIDE VARIETY OF FAMOUS SICILIAN DELICACIES.
HERE YOU CAN RELAX IN COMFOR IN FRIENDLY SURROUNDINGS.
OR IF YOU WISH, YOU MAY DRINK AND DANCE TILL MIDNIGHT.
AT THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURAN YOU CAN SAMPLE ALL THE SPICY PLEASURES OF THE MEDITERRANEAN.
THE HEADWAITER WILL BE PLEASED TO SHOW YOU HIS SPECIALITIES.
OR WHY NOT ASK THE COOK FOR SOMETHING REALLY HOT? YES, FOR AN EVENING YOU'LL NEVER FORGE IT'S THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURAN CHELSEA, PARKHURST, DARTMOOR AND THE SCRUBS.
(upbeat music plays) ALBATROSS! (laughter) (shouts): ALBATROSS! ALBATROSS? TWO CHOC ICES, PLEASE.
I HAVEN'T GO CHOC ICES.
I'VE ONLY GO THE ALBATROSS.
ALBATROSS! WHAT FLAVOR IS IT? IT'S A BIRD, ISN'T IT? IT'S A BLOODY SEABIRD.
IT'S NO ANY BLOODY FLAVOR.
ALBATROSS! DO YOU GE WAFERS WITH IT? (angrily): OF COURSE YOU DON' GET BLOODY WAFERS WITH IT! ALBATROSS! HOW MUCH IS IT? NINE PENCE.
I'LL HAVE TWO PLEASE.
(shouts): GANNET ON A STICK.
Man: THERE WILL NOW BE A VERY SHORT (explosion) ("God Save the Queen" plays) WELL, THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT.
AND NOW A POLICEMAN NEAR ROTTINGDEANS.
(shakily): ALBATROSS! Man: INSPECTOR, INSPECTOR.
MM-HMM.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY BUT I WAS SITTING ON A PARK BENCH OVER THERE TOOK MY COAT OFF FOR A MINUTE AND THEN I FOUND MY WALLET HAD BEEN STOLEN AND £15 TAKEN FROM IT.
WELL, DID YOU, UH DID YOU SEE ANYONE TAKE I ANYONE HANGING AROUND OR NO, NO, THERE WAS NO ONE THERE AT ALL.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE.
WELL, THERE'S NOT VERY MUCH WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT, SIR.
(faintly): OH.
DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE? YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
(laughter) (feebly): ALBATROSS.
MR.
BURTENSHAW? ME, DOCTOR? NO, ME DOCTOR, YOU MR.
BURTENSHAW.
MY WIFE, DOCTOR? NO, YOUR WIFE PATIENT ME DOCTOR.
COME THIS WAY, PLEASE.
ME, SISTER? NO, SHE SISTER, ME DOCTOR YOU MR.
BURTENSHAW.
Woman: DR.
WALTERS? ME NURSE.
YOU MR.
BURTENSHAW.
SHE SISTER, YOU DOCTOR.
NO, DOCTOR.
NO DOCTOR, CALL AMBULANCE, KEEP WARM.
DRINK, DOCTOR? DRINK DOCTOR, EAT SISTER COOK MR.
BURTENSHAW, NURSE ME.
YOU, DOCTOR? ME DOCTOR.
YOU MR.
BURTENSHAW.
SHE NURSE.
BUT MY WIFE, NURSE.
YOUR WIFE NOT NURSE.
SHE NURSE, YOUR WIFE PATIENT.
BE PATIENT, SHE NURSE YOUR WIFE.
ME DOCTOR, YEW TREE.
UTRECHT, UTRILLO U THANT, EUPHEMISM.
ME DOCTOR.
ALBATROSS! (slurring): I'D LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE OF SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE.
(slurring): I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE SOUND OF TWO BRICKS BEING BASHED TOGETHER.
(slurring): I'D LIKE TO SEE JOHN THE BAPTIST'S IMPERSONATION OF GRAHAM HILL.
Announcer: YES, IT'S HISTORICAL IMPERSONATIONS WHEN YOU IN THE PRESENT CAN MAKE THOSE IN THE PAS STARS OF THE FUTURE.
(canned applause playing) AND HERE IS YOUR HOS FOR TONIGHT, WALLY WIGGIN.
(canned applause ends) HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO HISTORICAL IMPERSONATIONS.
AND WE KICK OFF TONIGH WITH CARDINAL RICHELIEU AND HIS IMPERSONATION OF PETULA CLARK.
Clark: OH, DON'T SLEEP IN THE SUBWAY, DARLING DON'T STAND IN THE POURING RAIN (loud canned applause) CARDINAL RICHELIEU SIXTEEN STONE OF PURE MAN.
AND NOW YOUR FAVORITE ROMAN EMPEROR, JULIUS CAESAR AS EDDIE WARING.
TOTA GALLIA DIVISA ES IN TRES PARTES WIGAN, HUNSLET AND HULL KINGSTON ROVERS.
WELL DONE INDEED, JULIUS CAESAR A SMILE, A CONQUES AND A DAGGER UP YOUR STRAP.
OUR NEXT CHALLENGER COMES ALL THE WAY FROM THE CRIMEA.
IT'S THE VERY LOVELY FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE AS BRIAN LONDON.
(bell dings) (groans) AND NOW FOR OUR MOS AMBITIOUS ATTEMPT TONIGHT.
ALL THE WAY FROM MOSCOW IN THE U.
S.
S.
OF R.
, IVAN THE TERRIBLE AS A SALES ASSISTAN IN FREEMAN, HARDY AND WILLIS.
(screams) AND NOW W.
G.
GRACE AS A MUSIC BOX.
(knob clicks) (music box melody plays) Wiggin: AND NOW IT'S FRANCE'S TURN.
ONE OF THEIR TOP STATESMEN, NAPOLEON, AS THE R-101 DISASTER.
("Marseillaise" playing) (applause) (explosion) (wind blows) AND NOW IT'S REQUEST TIME.
(slurring): I WOULD LIKE TO SEE JOHN THE BAPTIST'S IMPERSONATION OF GRAHAM HILL.
(engine starts then accelerates) AND NOW A SHORT INTERMISSION DURING WHICH MARCEL MARCEAU WILL IMPERSONATE A MAN WALKING AGAINST THE WIND.
Wiggin: AND NOW MARCEL WILL MIME A MAN BEING STRUCK ABOUT THE HEAD BY A 16-TON WEIGHT.
(loud cheering) (gently): WHAT'S YOUR NAME? (shyly): ERIC.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A 16-TON WEIGH DROPPED ON TOP OF YOU, ERIC? DON'T KNOW.
HOW ABOUT YOU? I WAN TO HAVE WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAVE? I WAN TO HAVE WHAT? I WANT TO HAVE RACQUEL WELCH DROPPED ON TOP OF ME.
DROPPED ON TOP OF YOU? OH, YES, NO CLIMBING.
SHE'S GO A BIG BOTTOM.
(applause and laughter) AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME? TREVOR ATKINSON.
AND HOW OLD ARE YOU, TREVOR? I'M 42.
ARE YOU A FRIEND OF TREVOR'S? YES, WE'RE ALL COLLEAGUES FROM THE EMPIRE AND GENERAL INSURANCE COMPANY.
AND WHA DO YOU DO? WELL, I DEAL MAINLY WITH MORTGAGE- PROTECTION POLICIES BUT I ALSO DO CERTAIN TYPES OF LIFE ASSURANCE.
NOW, IF YOU AND YOUR PAL HAD ONE BIG WISH, TREVOR WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ON TELEVISION? I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE FAIRY STORIES ABOUT THE POLICE.
AND SO YOU SHALL.
(laughter) (whistling) (clears throat) (humming) (whistling) (laughter) (whistles) (laughter) (lively classical theme plays) (pop) YES, WE IN THE SPECIAL CRIMES SQUAD HAVE BEEN USING WANDS FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW.
YOU FIND IT'S EASY TO MAKE YOURSELF INVISIBLE.
YOU CAN DEFY TIME AND SPACE AND YOU CAN TURN VIOLEN CRIMINALS INTO FROGS SOMETHING WHICH YOU COULD NEVER DO WITH THE OLD TRUNCHEONS.
YES, TONIGHT PROBEAROUND TAKES A LOOK AT CRIME.
(gunshot) (laughter) I'M SORRY ABOUT THA BUT I ALWAYS INTRODUCE THIS PROGRAM, NOT HIM.
YES, TONIGHT PROBEAROUND TAKES A LOOK AT CRIME.
IS IT TRUE THAT THE POLICE ARE USING DACHSHUNDS TO COMBAT THE CRIME WAVE? CAN THE HEAD OF THE VICE SQUAD TURN HIMSELF INTO AN ALBATROSS WHENEVER HE WANTS TO? JUST WHAT ARE THE POLICE UP TO? OH, I'M UP TO PAGE 39 WHERE PETER PAN FIRS MANIFESTS HIMSELF.
WITH ME NOW IS INSPECTOR HARRY H.
"SNAPPER" ORGANS OF "H" DIVISION.
GOOD EVENING.
INSPECTOR, I BELIEVE YOU ARE ENCOURAGING MAGIC IN THE POLICE FORCE.
THAT IS CORRECT.
THE CRIMINAL MIND'S A STRANGE, CONTORTED ONE GOOD EVENING.
THE MIND IS SUBJECT TO SEVERE MENTAL STRESSES GOOD EVENING.
GUILT FEARS ABOUND GOOD EVENING IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS.
IN THIS STATE, ONE OF OUR LADS WITH A FAIR TRAINING IN THE BLACK ARTS CAN SCARE THE FERTILIZER OUT OF THEM.
JUST HOW ARE THE POLICE COMBATING THE INCREASE WITH THE USE OF THE OCCULT? EX-KING ZOG OF ALBANIA REPORTS.
(bell rings) WELL, WE SEEM TO HAVE LOST EX-KING ZOG THERE BUT WHO CARES? JUST WHAT KINDS OF MAGIC ARE THE POLICE INTRODUCING INTO THEIR CRIME-PREVENTION TECHNIQUES? Policemen: U-P Y O U R S.
"UP YOURS"!? WHAT A RUDE OUIJA BOARD! (siren wails) (laughter) (policemen moaning) (yelling wildly) Man: NOW, THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT GIVES THE POLICE A BAD NAME, SERGEANT.
I KNOW, SIR.
(buzzer sounds) YES, BERYL? Man: Attila the Hun to see you, sir.
WHO? Attila the Hun, sir.
OH, BOTHERKINS! CONSTABLE, GO AND SEE TO HIM, WILL YOU? WHAT? IN THIS DRESS? OH, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
OH, I'VE GOT A LITTLE GREEN PINNY I COULD WEAR.
NO, NO, NO, I'LL GO.
YOU STAY HERE.
OH, GOODY! I CAN GE ON WITH THE IRONING.
RIGHT WHERE IS HE? Beryl: OVER THERE, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT, LEAVE THIS TO ME.
NOW, THEN, SIR, YOU ARE ATTILA THE HUN.
THAT'S RIGHT, YES, A.
T.
HUN.
MY PARENTS WERE MR.
AND MRS.
NORMAN HUN BUT THEY HAD A LITTLE JOKE WHEN I WAS BORN.
(titters) YES WELL, MR.
HUN OH, CALL ME "THE," FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! OH WELL, THE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE US ABOUT? I'VE COME TO GIVE MYSELF UP.
WHAT FOR? LOOTING, PILLAGING AND SACKING A MAJOR CITY.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? LOOTING, PILLAGING, SACKING A MAJOR CITY AND I'D LIKE 9,000 OTHER CHARGES TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION, PLEASE.
I SAY, EXCUSE ME, MR.
HUN.
(laughter) HAVE YOU ANY OBJECTION TO TAKING A BREATH TEST? OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
RIGHT SERGEANT, WILL YOU BRING THE ANALYZER, PLEASE? HERE WE ARE, SIR.
HOW'S IT WORK? WELL, IF HE BREATHES INTO IT, SIR AND THE WHITE CRYSTALS TURN LIME GREEN THEN HE IS ATTILA THE HUN, SIR.
I SEE WELL, WOULD YOU MIND BREATHING INTO THIS, MR.
HUN? RIGHT.
(laughter) WHAT IF NOTHING HAPPENS, SERGEANT? HE'S ALEXANDER THE GREAT, SIR! AHA! CAUGHT YOU, MR.
A.
T.
GREAT! OH, CURSES, CURSES! I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE, DISGUISED AS ATTILA THE HUN.
O-HO, PERHAPS SO, BUT YOU MADE ONE FATAL MISTAKE.
YOU SEE, THIS WASN' A HUNALYZER.
IT WAS AN ALEXANDER- THE-GREATALYZER.
TAKE HIM AWAY, BERYL! Man (reading): "DEAR SIR, I OBJEC VERY STRONGLY TO THAT LAST SCENE AND TO THE NEXT LETTER.
" Man 2 (reading): "DEAR SIR, I OBJECT TO BEING OBJECTED TO "BY THE LAST LETTER "BEFORE MY DRIFT HAS BECOME APPARENT.
"I SPENT MANY YEARS IN INDIA DURING THE LAST WAR "AND AM NOW A PART-TIME NOTICE BOARD "IN A PROMINENT PUBLIC SCHOOL.
"YOURS ETC.
, BRIGADIER ZOE LA RUE (DECEASED).
P.
S.
AGHHH!" Man 3 (reading): "DEAR SIR, WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL "I WAS BEATEN REGULARLY EVERY 30 MINUTES "AND IT NEVER DID ME ANY HARM "EXCEPT FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL MALADJUSTMEN "AND BLURRED VISION.
YOURS TRULY, FLIGHT LIEUTENAN KEN FRANKENSTEIN (MRS.
).
" (siren wails) HUH? (laughter) (door opens, closes) (hurried footsteps) (door opens, closes) (hurried footsteps continue) (woman screams) (door closes, footsteps continue) (heavy panting) Man: I WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR.
(light laughter) DR.
LARCH, THERE'S A MR.
PHELPS TO SEE YOU.
UH, NURSE? YES? YOU DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I'M A PSYCHIATRIST? WHAT? WELL, I COULD BE ANY TYPE OF DOCTOR.
WELL, I CAN'T COME IN AND SAY "PSYCHIATRIST LARCH" OR "DR.
LARCH, WHO IS A PSYCHIATRIST.
" OH, ANYWAY, LOOK, IT'S WRITTEN ON THE DOOR.
(whispering): THAT'S OUTSIDE.
WELL, I DON'T CARE.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF.
(imitates phone ringing) HELLO? NO, WRONG NUMBER, I'M AFRAID.
THIS IS A PSYCHIATRIST SPEAKING.
NEXT, PLEASE.
(knock at door) COME IN.
(laughter) BOW WOW WOW.
AH, MR.
PHELPS COME ON IN, TAKE A SEAT.
NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M SORRY? OH, CAN'T YOU DO BETTER THAN THAT? I MEAN, IT'S SO PREDICTABLE.
I'VE SEEN I A MILLION TIMES.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK; "COME IN; AH, MR.
PHELPS, TAKE A SEAT.
" I'VE SEEN I AND SEEN IT.
WELL, LOOK, WILL YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN AND DO YOUR FIRST LINE? NO, NO, I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
(door closes) (light laughter) I CAN'T EVEN GET IT STARTED.
Phelps (distantly): ALBATROSS! SHUT UP! OH, IT DRIVES ME MAD.
A MAD PSYCHIATRIST, THAT'D BE NEW HUH! NEXT, PLEASE.
(knock at door) C OH.
(clears throat) (mumbles) CROSS THE THRESHOLD, ARRIVE, INGRESS GAIN ADMITTANCE, INFILTRATE.
AH, MR.
NOTLOB, UH, PARK YOUR HIPS ON THE SITTING DEVICE.
IT IS A MAD PSYCHIATRIST.
I'M NOT, I'M NOT! COME ON IN, TAKE A SEAT.
WHAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER? (blows raspberry) NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER? WELL, I KEEP HEARING GUITARS PLAYING AND PEOPLE SINGING WHEN THERE'S NO ONE AROUND.
YES, WELL, THIS IS NOT AT ALL UNCOMMON.
IN CERTAIN MENTAL STATES WE FIND THAT AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS OCCUR WHICH ARE OF A MOST WE CAN STAY ALL DAY WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO IS THAT "WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE ZOO TOMORROW"? YES, YES.
IS IT ALWAYS THAT? NO.
WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING.
BUT IT'S MAINLY FOLK SONGS.
LAST NIGHT I HAD "WE'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN"FOR SIX HOURS! WELL, LOOK, I THINK I'D BETTER HAVE A SECOND OPINION ON THIS.
I WANT YOU TO SEE A COLLEAGUE OF MINE A SPECIALIST IN THESE SORT OF THINGS WHO HAS AN OFFICE VERY MUCH LIKE THIS ONE AS A MATTER OF FACT.
OOH (clears throat) (light laughter) (imitates phone ringing) UM, NO, NO, WRONG NUMBER.
I'M A COLLEAGUE OF HIS A SURGEON WHO SPECIALIZES IN THESE KIND OF THINGS.
YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NEXT, PLEASE.
(knock at door) COME IN.
AH, COME IN, PLEASE TAKE A SEAT.
MY COLLEAGUE, WHO HAS A SIMILAR OFFICE HAS EXPLAINED YOUR CASE TO ME.
("We're All Going to the Zoo" plays faintly) MR.
NOTLOB, AS YOU KNOW I AM A LEADING HARLEY STREET SURGEON (Dr.
Kildare theme plays) AS SEEN ON TELEVISION.
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO OPERATE.
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ALTHOUGH IT IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
(laughter) I SHALL BE JUGGLING WITH YOUR LIFE.
I SHALL BE PLAYING DUCKS AND DRAKES WITH YOUR VERY EXISTENCE.
I SHALL BE RUNNING ME MITTS OVER THE PITH OF YOUR MARROW YES, THESE HANDS THESE FINGERS THESE SOPHISTICATED ORGANS OF TOUCH, THESE BUNCHES OF FIVE THESE MAULERS, THESE GERMAN BANDS THAT HAVE PULLED MANY A MORIBUND UNFORTUNATE BACK FROM THE VERY BRINK OF LAZARUS'S BOX.
NO, IT WAS PANDORA'S BOX, WASN'T IT? WELL, ANYWAY, THESE MITTS HAVE EARNED YOURS TRULY A LOT OF BREAD, SO IF YOU'LL JUST STEP THROUGH HERE I'LL SLIT YOU UP A TREAT.
WHAT? MR.
NOTLOB, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU THAT AN EXPENSIVE OPERATION CAN'T PROLONG.
(laughter) ("We're All Going to the Zoo" plays faintly)