Mulaney (2014) s01e13 Episode Script

I used to party a lot.
I used to drink and black out.
That surprises a lot of audiences, 'cause I don't look like someone who used to do anything.
I look like I've just been sitting in a room, in a chair, eating saltines for 30 years.
It was always weird when I would go out for the night with some money and then black out and wake up with no money.
It was even weirder when I would go out for the night with some money, black out, and wake up with more money, because that means that I earned money.
That means that I traded goods and/or services, which is scary, but sometimes I'd almost be impressed.
I'd like to give people money advice now, but I don't know how that would go.
You know, they'd be like, "John, we're looking to get rich quick.
" And I'd be like, "well, have you tried mixing daiquiris with sleeping pills?" They're like, "does that work?" I'm like, "it didn't not work.
" Mulaney - 01x13 Life is a Serie of Different Apartments Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay? Hey, Jia, it's Motif.
You came home with me after we met on the curb of stand-up New York.
My apartment has bedbugs, so you might want to get yourself checked out.
Anyway, since we spent that really fun day together, I guess you got to get checked for bedbugs, yeah.
How are you otherwise? Oh, you have other time Warner customers? Okay.
Thanks for giving us bedbugs, John.
Yeah, and I can't believe you tried to blame it on me.
Oh, come on.
I had good reason to think it was your fault.
I want to propose a toast.
To my online poker buddies, who flew here from all over the world just to play poker in person.
Now, if only somebody brought a deck of cards.
Hey, Motif, can you box up those photos? Who is this guy, lying in garbage and wearing a crown? He looks cool.
That's me in college.
Yeah, this is from finals week.
I was supposed to be studying for my "Judaism During the Jazz Age" test, but I somehow got roped into a nitrous contest that I started.
I'm happy you slowed down, but I wish I met this guy.
He seems like he gets crazy.
I still get crazy.
I mean, the other night I was up till 5:00 A.
M.
Lying in bed, panicking about that baby on the elevator who pointed at me.
What did he know? Damn! No! Jane, is this you? Give me that.
That's Jane before she was Jane.
You see, Motif, back then Mulaney, I'm allowed to talk about this, and you are not.
Freshman year of college, I was kind of nerdy, okay? I had this dry, wild hair A unibrow.
You shut your mouth! An eyebrow situation.
Okay? And I still went by my real Iranian name Gagoosh.
Gagoosh? - Gagoosh played Clarinet.
- Okay? Gagoosh dressed like an elderly child.
Gagoosh once called the cops because she saw cigarettes.
Were you two struck by lightning when you got cool and Mulaney got boring? Hey, I'm not boring, okay? In fact, I'll prove it.
I have the key to Lou Cannon's penthouse, and he's out of town for the weekend.
How about instead of staying at your parents', we crash Lou's and party there? Yeah.
And you're sure you want to crash your boss's apartment without him knowing? Yeah, I want to.
I haven't done anything irresponsible in years.
We're going to go to Lou's, and we're going to party and stay up all night and listen to Phish.
Have you listened to that music since you stopped doing drugs? No, why? Still good? - Oscar! - Hey, Oscar! Oh, hello.
I was wondering if I could stay at your apartment.
I have bedbugs.
We got bedbugs too.
We got to clear out.
Isn't it fun to be on the run? I feel like a radical from the '70s again.
You were a radical in the '70s? Oh, sure.
I was a member of the bronxdale five.
Were you guys violent? Well, the FBI classified us as pushy.
We could be very annoying.
We'd go into government buildings and futz with people, hoping to change the world.
You know, we're gonna stay at Lou Cannon's tonight.
Do you want to come with us? I'd love to.
Can I bring my plants and record player? Sure, yeah.
Bring whatever you want.
I want to party and reconnect with myself, be the wild guy I was during finals week.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, rock on, man.
Okay.
Hey, Jane.
Jane, the exterminator's coming.
We got to go.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I can't find my contacts.
I have to wear my old glasses.
All right, well, let's go party at Lou's.
Come on, Oscar, Motif, Gagoosh.
Shut up! No, Mammaan, we don't need to stay there.
Yes, I'm with boys.
Gagoosh.
Gagoosh Anymore! One more call to make about the bedbugs.
My girl, Rodeo.
Rodeo? Um, she's crazy.
I thought you had a restraining order against her.
Yeah, but she has one on me too, so they cancel each other out.
You know, it's your fault she's crazy.
You keep telling her you love her, and you don't.
But she just looks so happy when I say "I love you.
" She's like the audience, and I'm doing my Dookie Train bit.
You know, I love your Dookie Train bit.
I flat-out do not understand it.
What are you talking about? It's the Dookie Train.
Cuckoo.
Dookie Train.
Next stop, Dookie.
This train stinks.
- Don't get it.
- Oh, no.
I left my flatiron and eyebrow tweezers at home.
Get 'em tomorrow.
It's only one night.
Motif, I have to manage this every three hours.
It's a full-time job.
Come on, guys.
Relax, it's a party.
Hey, should we go up to Lou's roof? He has an amazing view.
I wouldn't go to the roof on hallucinogens.
Ha ha.
Who's on hallucinogens? You are.
That tea is filled with peyote.
So, Motif, tell me more about this Dookie Train.
Oh, whoa.
Oscar, what? I'm on peyote? When did I say I wanted peyote? You said you wanted to party and reconnect with yourself.
I said, "oh, sure.
" Then you smiled.
What more could we have said? You could have said, "John, do you want peyote?" And I would have said, "no, Oscar, I do not want peyote.
" Did anyone else take it? - No.
- No.
Oscar, what a leap.
I know I said I wanted to get wild, but I had a really bad experience with hallucinogens in college.
I had no idea how strong acid was, and I took three hits at the freshman reggae concert.
Three hits? Reggae concert? I looked for a place to hide, and there I had a vision that still haunts me.
I can't be on hallucinogens in my boss's apartment.
John, open your mind.
Oh, my God, I think it's already kicking in.
It looks like Jane has one eyebrow.
Oh, my God, my eyebrow.
It's not kicking in yet.
Here, let's put on a motown record and water plants.
You said this was like a college party.
I know you wanna leave me but I refuse to let you go You know what, Oscar? Maybe this won't be so bad.
I feel really safe being here with just you guys.
'Cause you mean that much to me ain't too proud to beg What are you doing in my apartment? I've got to get that record player repaired.
I said, "what are you doing in my apartment?" Surprise! John, how did you know it was my birthday? And how did you know Kiko and I would break up on my birthday trip due to my own issues? And how did you know I'd be alone on my birthday and to think to throw a surprise party for me? That's so nice.
What? Okay.
Yeah, because I'm a good, dependable friend.
Right? Huh? Yeah, yeah.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
You must be John's roommate.
And you're An old Greek widow? Oh, God.
What's happening to me? Hey, Oscar, why did you yell "surprise" when he walked in? I was surprised.
I was part of shout analysis in the '70s.
If you have an emotion, shout it.
Lou cannot find out that we crashed his apartment, and I cannot be on a drug trip around my boss.
Concern! How long do I have before the peyote kicks in? Well, maybe 45 minutes, and then what it does, you have to stay away from anything that might cause stress.
John, I'm on such a birthday high, but I'm still so mad at Kiko.
Should we go to a gun range or maybe watch Apocalypse Now? John has to relax.
I'm sorry, who is this? This is my neighbor, Oscar.
I like to think of myself as a neighbor and a mentor.
Ah, that's sweet, but actually I'm John's mentor.
Fine then.
We're both mentors.
Isn't everything wonderful? Not necessarily my take on life.
But, uh, we should go, right? But happy birthday, Lou.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I just got here.
Don't go.
Come on, no one's ever thrown me a surprise party before.
When I walked in, I was just so shocked and delighted.
You couldn't tell because I've had some work done, but you know.
Oh, I got a great game! I got to get this great game.
Don't move.
Motif! Lou thinks that I threw him a surprise party, so you need to make up an excuse, and we need to leave.
Okay, okay, first let me call my girl Rodeo and get her voice mail.
Okay, but do not say "I love you," and you make it quick! Rodeo, you picked up! Jane! Jane, hurry up in the bathroom.
I am not coming out looking like this.
Lou has a heated toilet seat.
I'm trying to MacGyver it into a flatiron.
It's not working.
I love you.
- I love you! - No! - Look, I just love you! - No, don't say "I love you"! Jane, Rodeo has entered the equation.
We need to go.
I am not leaving until I get my flatiron and my eyebrow tweezer.
Whom am I going to get to go into a fumigated apartment just to bring you your "I'll do it," I said, and then I grabbed the bag.
And then you gave me the address, and then I came here.
You don't have to tell someone a story if they were the other person in it.
Give me the bag.
Thank you.
Another guest.
Lou Cannon? You are my favorite comedian.
John, you hired a Garfield impersonator.
Fantastic.
Hey, gang, I got this great game on GQ's "what guys must have" list.
It's called truth or dare.
What is this? - No! - Yeah.
Yeah! This isn't my makeup bag.
It's my old clarinet.
Okay, look, we're going to get you a pillowcase for your head.
It's okay.
No, John, no.
You know, seeing this with a backup Reed, I'm realizing I have spent years fighting who I really am.
I even hid my accent.
You know, I used to be unique.
I used to be musical.
I used to be Gagoosh.
And guess what, boys.
I want to be her again.
Okay.
Ugh, that's our exit music, everybody.
Let's go.
Happy birthday.
B-b-but first, let's play truth or dare.
Trust me, John.
I'm your mentor.
Oh, it's so cool.
These are the rules, look.
You divide into no fewer than seven teams.
What, seven teams? There's only six of us, so I guess we can't play.
Oh, that's too bad.
We should go.
Bye, Lou.
Where's Motif? I feel crazy tonight.
I love you, Rodeo.
Ah, yeah! Now we're seven.
We can play Forever and ever.
Oh, my God, I'm tripping.
No, I'm doing slow-motion man.
So, like, truth Scariest thing I ever saw was when this guy angel was uncircumcised, and I was like, "no.
" You know, like, "no.
" Thank you for that story, Rodeo.
Should we start playing the game now? Oh, let me check the directions.
Hey, Oscar, how long do I have before you know what? - 18 minutes.
- Oh, okay.
Well, it says the game should last no longer than 18 minutes.
Let me set the timer.
All right.
- Lou, truth or dare? - Truth.
- How old are you? - Dare.
Left.
Left! I hit Matt Lauer.
He doesn't need that.
This is not proper.
You should not throw things from windows.
God, I forgot how annoying Gagoosh could be.
This game is for bad boys, Johnny Juun.
You've been hiding this accent? I need to go practice my clarinet.
Okay, Motif.
You ready to play the game? Truth or dare? I love when you take charge, baby.
Truth.
Who or what is the great love of your life? I think I know the answer to this one.
I would lie on this one if I were you, buddy.
No, I respect the game.
Rodeo, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and also, I don't love you.
What? I'ma tear this place up! Half this stuff is mine! This award is mine! This wind instrument is mine! This stupid clock is mine! This painting for sure is mine! Hey, John, it's your turn.
Okay, truth.
Who's your true mentor, me or the hippie? You're both mentors to me, okay? You both have wonderful stories.
Like when ed koch and I played Chinese handball on Manhattan Beach.
John loves New York History.
You know, you have been riding me all night with your aggro energy.
Do you want to have an anecdote off? Like I once said to Truman Capote, "if you want to do that, okay!" Like I once said to the Truman Show casting director, "you're making a big mistake!" Okay, okay.
Do you want to step outside? I may look like I'm all sugar, but I'm still a Brooklyn boy.
- Let's go.
- Oh, let's go.
- Come on, let's get it on.
- Oh, I'm real scared.
What's the combination to the safe behind the chagall painting? One, one, one, and there's a gun in there.
This party is all danger and boys.
I'm calling the police.
You can't call the cops.
Rodeo has two strikes.
You can't call the cops.
I'm still wanted for futzing with spiro agnew.
Do not call the cops! I'm on peyote.
Wow.
You did peyote for my birthday party? He took it before he knew you were coming home.
We didn't even know it was your birthday.
Oscar.
You were lying? You didn't throw me a surprise party? I guess that's why there are zero decorations and no sign of a party.
And here I thought you were just being a good friend.
But you were just using me, huh? Just like Kiko.
Pity! I guess we should go.
Gagoosh, since I'm on drugs, we shouldn't stay at your parents'.
- We can stay at my place.
- So what should we do? Should we sleep in the park or something? Happy birthday to me.
The big Four-five.
Okay, we're not leaving.
You know what, Oscar, I don't care if the peyote kicks in.
No one should be alone on their birthday.
It's my birthday.
Anyway, Lou, we'd like to stay.
Wait a second.
Was this part of the surprise? Saying "surprise" and then revealing you didn't know it was my birthday? You didn't fool me a bit, buddy.
How high is his self-esteem? Everybody! I have an announcement to make.
I've treated this woman terribly.
I've strung her along, and I've hurt her heart.
And also I've been calling her "Ro-dee-oh.
" It's pronounced "Ro-day-oh.
" She has a gun to his back.
You forgot the other thing.
Say it.
Also, Rodeo and I are getting married.
We should have that rabbi do it.
Let's finish the game.
You want to okay, Jane, it's your turn.
Yeah.
Okay, truth or dare? I have to do truth.
I cannot lie.
Okay, truth.
Ooh, how did you lose your virginity? Oh.
Oh, it was my freshman year at university.
I was leaving the library to study at home.
I could not focus there because of the sounds of the reggae concert.
Just then, I saw a scared preppy boy.
He was not danger like the other boys, but soft and baby white, like so much cottage cheese.
He looked like, as they say, "an easy lay.
" I knew this was my chance to shed my flower, so I tackled him.
Werewolf.
Oh, my God, you were the werewolf? And you were my first.
I lost my virginity and became Jane.
You know, even though I don't remember it, I'm glad I was able to lie there and be good at it? And help you become the person you are today.
Wait, you're right.
I did that to become Jane.
That sweet little weirdo, Gagoosh, went through so much in those four minutes so that Jane could have a better life.
You guys, I really need to honor that sacrifice.
Bye-bye, Gagoosh.
I'm back to being Jane.
Wait! You're Jane? The timer went off, but the peyote didn't kick in.
Maybe my body rejected the drugs because, you know, I set out to be the wild guy I used to be, when really I should just be the dependable friend that I am.
Jane, Lou, Andre, Oscar, Lou, Dracula The floor's so far away from me.
He's tripping his face off.
Poor kid.
He needs the both of us.
Let's freak him out! You're going to die very, very soon! What a crazy night.
Could you believe the look on her face when we hit her with water balloons? She was so upset, wasn't she? And from everything I hear, Anna wintour has a great sense of humor.
What happened? When What happened? You made a fool of yourself in ways that we will slowly tell you over the years.
Hey! Turns out Lou has a lot of women's hair-care products.
Uh, famous men are women.
Hey, Rodeo is asleep.
She looks like an angel.
Jane, call the cops.
This wedding cannot happen.
Hey, I know we had sex last night, but we don't ever have to talk about it.
What? No, I spent all of last night de-Gagooshing myself.
We didn't have sex.
But the monster there was a There was a monster on top of me, and it had a clarinet.
John, you were on peyote.
Oh, right.
I guess it was just a bad trip.
Good morning, Mulaney.
Best birthday ever.