S#*! My Dad Says s01e13 Episode Script

- Dad, can you pass the sports section? - No.
- You're not reading it.
- I will.
A paper's like a woman.
If you have to share it, be sure you go first.
Good morning.
Oh.
Did you get the mail? Yes, it's one of the many perks of my job getting to fish the mail off the roof.
Would you please end the feud with the mail carrier? I have no problem with that man.
I tell him that every morning.
It's a woman, and you know that.
That's the problem.
Bonnie, this came for you.
Oh.
Why the hell are you getting your mail delivered here? Because we live here now, Ed.
I'm family.
No.
We share the same last name, but, if you were family, you'd have a crescent-shaped patch of hair above your ass.
That's true.
This is a letter from Reverend Olson.
What, the guy who married us? Yeah, he's making amends for all the bad things he did while he was drinking.
Like what? Like pretending to be a reverend and marrying people.
Do you realize what this means? Yes, it means he's probably not a real doctor either.
Let me tell you something.
That pre-wedding physical was thorough.
Oh, my God.
You guys aren't married.
Mazel tov.
Now this is a tv show.
Guy comes out, he dances, he tells a few jokes.
Yeah, that's Ellen Degeneres.
I should introduce him to my mail carrier.
We have some very exciting news.
Bonnie, do you want to tell it? - No, no, you go ahead.
- I think we should both tell it.
One, two Vince and Bonnie are getting married, and I'm planning their wedding.
- Oh, come on.
- Tim, screw you.
I'm sorry.
I was excited.
If you don't like my enthusiasm, you can get someone else.
Please don't get someone else.
I really want to do this.
Anyway, we were just gonna hop over to City Hall, but we thought, I don't know, why don't we just have a little ceremony? I mean, you only get married once.
Well, twice.
Three times.
Anyway, it's gonna be this Saturday.
It'll be like the royal wedding.
Not so much blue blood.
More white trash.
It's just gonna be a little gathering.
Well, then, what kind of budget am I gonna have to work with? I'm giving you $80.
Surprise me.
Last time I said that, I woke up naked In a wheelbarrow.
Come on, Bonnie.
We have a really fancy $80 wedding to plan.
- So, listen, dad, can we - No.
You didn't even hear what I had to say.
Your voice went up.
Sounds like you were gonna ask me for something.
Oh, come on, I was gonna make a statement.
Um, vince wants to know if he can have the wedding here.
Ed says no.
Why not? It's only gonna be a few people Me, Bonnie, Henry, Tim, Bonnie's dad, you know, a couple friends.
Wait, Bonnie's dad - is coming here? Why? - It's important to Bonnie.
Honestly, the only reason she even wants to have a ceremony is 'cause her dad wasn't there to walk her down the aisle the first time.
- And you know why he wasn't there? - Yes, I do.
I'll tell you why.
He was gambling.
In an illegal card game.
In the basement of Mr.
Foo's Chinese restaurant.
And do you know who had to drag him out of there? Yes, I do.
I'll tell you who had to drag him out of there.
I did.
Dad, that was five years ago.
Terry has changed since then.
He's not gambling anymore, and he has a steady job.
Oh, really? What job is that? He's a lawyer farmer industry type who dabbles in vending machines or pharmaceuticals.
I don't There are two people in this world that you don't trust a man who can't tell you what he does for a living and anybody who wears an umbrella hat.
Well, Bonnie trusts him, okay? He's the only dad she has, and she wants him to walk her down the aisle.
See, I don't get that.
He's a dirt bag.
Why can't she see that? Maybe you don't understand 'cause you don't have a daughter.
Besides, people love their fathers, no matter how terrible they are to them.
You're dumber than you look.
Even if he says horrible things to you.
And you look pretty dumb.
Maybe it's your size.
Your eyes are very close together.
Oh, you know, you just got to love you got to love you have to love your father.
Firm grip.
Can't be Henry.
It's me.
I just I wanted to thank you for letting us have the wedding at your house.
Consider it my gift.
'cause I'm not getting you anything else.
That's okay.
We still have the mechanical singing fish you gave us for our first wedding.
It's a fish, and it sings.
It's funny.
Look, my dad's gonna be here any minute.
I know you have a huge problem with him, but, for me, if you could just try and be nice to him.
What the hell are you talking about? I'm nice.
I don't know.
Maybe putting a smile on your face.
What the hell are you talking about? I'm smiling.
Oh, my God, that's him.
Okay, he's here.
Big, big smile, Ed.
See big.
There there you go.
- Daddy.
- Baby doll.
Oh.
Hey-hey, Terry.
Vince, you look great.
Did you lose weight? No.
You just you just got to love your dad.
You just love your dad.
- There he is.
- Hide the silverware.
Ed.
Hide the silverware.
So, daddy, what have you been up to? Well, you know, this and that.
Oh, which is it, Terry? This or that? Why can't it be this and that? Why do you answer a question with a question? Didn't you just answer a question with a question? - Did I? - Didn't you? - Why would I? - Why wouldn't you? Okay.
Okay.
Wow, it's like being at a dinner party at Dr.
Seuss's house.
- Is it? - Isn't it? Oh, Ed! Ed, stop it, please.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
- So how's business? - Fantastic.
And what business would that be again? The kind of business that I'm in.
- And that business is? - Fantastic.
You know, you're talking in circles, Ed.
- Ed, be nice.
- I am! I'm just trying to get a straight answer out of my friend Terry.
But I suppose some people never change.
Okay, Ed, I know what you're getting at, and, yes, I've made some mistakes.
Haven't you ever made any mistakes? Yes, two.
They're both upstairs.
Well, I'm taking accountability for mine and went through a wonderful recovery program.
It's run by reverend Olson, who also happens to be a doctor.
I had to go through a very thorough physical just to get in.
And what's your point, Terry? My point is that I've changed.
And, as a gesture, I would like to pay for this wedding.
Thank you, dad, but you don't have to do that.
No, no, I insist.
I don't have a lot of money, but I'd like to chip in, say $500 for some food and some liquor.
Really, really, I can't take your money.
I'll take it.
I'm sorry to eavesdrop, but, at $80, this wedding was going to blow.
Come on out.
I want to see how you look in your tux.
I'm not coming out.
I hate myself.
I'm not getting married.
You're getting married, Vince.
Just come out.
I want to see how you look.
I hate myself so much! Vince, it's the same tux you wore for your last wedding.
I mean, how much could you have changed? Okay, fine, I'll come out, but no judging me.
Holy smokes, I forgot how big you were.
You look like a slim fast ad for penguins.
I yo-yo, Henry.
Skinny bitches like you wouldn't understand that.
You don't have to work hard for your figure like I do.
Your tiny hips, your perfect breasts, they come naturally.
Okay, calm down.
Why are you freaking out? Because my last wedding pictures were terrible.
This wedding was my chance for a redo, and now it's ruined.
It's all ruined.
- Vince.
- Go away.
I'm ugly.
I'm disgusting.
I'm too thin.
Okay, look, I know a great tailor downtown.
I'll take him your suit.
We'll have it back in a couple hours.
And you will look beautiful on your big day.
You really think so? You're not joking? No joke.
Okay.
Thanks, Henry.
You're a good man.
Can I get one joke? All right, fine, so long as it's not too mean.
We can use the rest of the material to make a burka for the Statue of Liberty.
That's good.
That's not too mean.
And cover Yankee stadium.
That that is too mean.
So my original vision was to have you walk down a silk carpet through a garland of roses and have vince ride in on a white stallion to the sounds of a string quartet.
Unfortunately The stallion got wind of it and shot himself.
I'm sorry.
Isn't there some mannish woman somewhere out there you can be mocking right now? Go ahead, Tim.
Anyway, since I only had $80 to work with, you'll walk down on butcher paper while I throw the neighbor's tulips at you.
The music will be provided by Vlacek, who I found playing in front of the rite aid and is willing to work for peanuts.
Literally peanuts.
He's insane.
And the ceremony will be presided over by yours truly, an ordained minister from our lady of quickhitch.
org.
Okay, Baby doll, I'm gonna go pick up the booze and the food.
- So you got the money? - Oh, yeah, we're all good.
- I'll be back in about an hour.
- Great.
Wait a minute.
You gave him money? Why'd you give him money? He's just picking up a few things.
He said he was gonna pay for the wedding.
Yes, he is.
It's just the caterer wouldn't accept his out-of-state checks, so I had to loan him some cash.
Don't worry.
He already wrote me a check to cover it.
That check will bounce like the groom's boobs.
You know what, Ed, this has nothing to do with you.
It has everything to do with me.
I don't want that guy ripping you off.
He's not going to.
And, by the way, that guy happens to be my father.
Well, he's a terrible father.
Fathers are supposed to be reliable, consistent, concerned when he has to be, and there with a smile.
Really, Ed, you're telling me about being a good father.
The man who told his two sons that only girls wear bike helmets? Their skulls are harder.
I have to go get ready for my wedding, okay? And, trust me, my father will be here.
I just don't want to see you ripped off.
What do you care, Ed? I'm not family.
You made that perfectly clear.
We just share the same last name.
- That's not what I meant.
- Well, I don't care, Ed.
My father is going to walk me down the aisle.
If you don't like him, you don't have to be here.
Not now, Jackass! - Dealer has 21.
- Siegfried and Roy! That's six hands in a row.
Damn it, mort, if you're gonna do that to me again, can I at least have a cigarette afterwards? I don't smoke.
- You said you wanted a cigarette.
- I was joking.
You know how people have cigarettes after sex? You get it, right? Never mind.
Nobody here speaks English.
Everybody speaks English.
Your jokes are not funny.
This is a tough crowd.
Well, look who's here.
What a surprise.
How did you find me? Are you kidding? Look at you.
It's like trying to find larry bird in a beijing starbucks.
That's a great crowd.
- What are you doing here? - It's not what you think.
I think you're gambling away the money Bonnie gave you for the wedding.
Okay, it's very close to what you think.
Look, I only came here because I feel bad that I can only contribute with $500.
But if I could take that $500 and turn it into $5,000, I could really make up for me being a gambling addict.
It didn't sound nearly as noble when I said it out loud.
Let's get out of here.
Your daughter's getting married, and, for some reason, she wants you to walk her down the aisle.
I can't do that.
I'm down several thousand.
Mr.
Foo said if I leave now, he'll cut off my tau faat.
I'm not sure what my tau faat is, but I have a feeling I'll miss it when it's gone.
- You're gonna be playing? - No.
No.
If you're gonna be there, you're gonna have to play.
Oh, all right.
Give me the gun.
This is a blackjack game.
Boring.
- How does it look? - Terrible.
Doesn't fit.
I'm sure it fits fine.
My guy's the best.
He's got all your measurements.
I'm sure you look amazing.
I look like a sausage going to prom.
I thought you said this guy was good.
He's the best.
I gave him your measurements, Vince.
Here.
These are the measurements you gave him? Yes.
Why? - Read what it says at the top.
- Bonnie's measurements.
I get married in two hours, and you got me a tux that fits the bride, which would be great if I were marrying Ellen Degeneres.
This is a nightmare.
I you've ruined everything, Henry.
Okay, I'll tell you what you're gonna do.
- You're gonna sit down and relax.
- I can't.
- You can't relax? - I can't sit down.
Hey.
Vince.
It doesn't matter what you wear.
What matters is who you marry.
And you get the chance to marry the woman you've been married to for five years.
There's a good shot it's gonna work out.
- You think so? - Yes, absolutely.
Oh, yeah.
So I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go to your closet, I'm gonna get you something else, and you you're gonna look great.
- Okay.
You're the best.
- All right.
What was that? What's going on back there? Yeap.
You are definitely a Goodson.
- 19.
- I'll stay.
Hit me.
- Ed, you never hit on 18.
- No, you never hit on 17.
I learned that the hard way, senior year, spring break.
Luckily, hawaii wasn't a state yet and the laws were a little sketchy.
21.
Dealer has 20.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! I can't catch a break.
No wonder you love this game.
It's impossible to lose.
- Let's get out of here.
- I don't think I can.
- I'm $2,300 in the hole.
- $2,500.
That's right.
I had some shirts made.
- You sell food and shirts? - And pet chickens for children.
- That's sweet.
- For fighting.
So this is how you spend the day of your daughter's wedding? Gambling in a shirt-making, cockfighting Chinese restaurant? Ed, I don't know what to say.
Look, I've got enough here to cover your debt and to buy food for the wedding, So why don't you head on back to the house? And we'll pretend this never happened.
Why would you do that? Terry, there's a lot of things you're not.
You're not honest, you're not dependable - You're not a good gambler - You're not funny.
But there's one thing you are.
Bonnie's father.
If she wants you to walk her down the aisle, I'm gonna do everything I can to make that happen.
- Thank you.
- Not for you.
It's for your daughter.
I forgot my shirts.
See you back at the house.
I'll see you there.
Do you make fishing vests? Deep sea, freshwater, and fly.
I'll be back.
Just one more hand.
Where is he? We're almost out of chips, the guacamole is turning brown, and we're gonna lose the violinist in an hour.
Well, just pay him to play a little longer.
No, no, I think he's going to die.
Don't worry.
He'll be here.
What the hell is this? It's the ice sculpture.
It's a plate of ice cubes.
It's an ice castle.
You gave me a dollar.
Holy cow.
The sky is falling.
This is the only thing I had that fit.
I wore this to my sixth grade graduation.
It is divine.
Where did you say my father was again? Out and about.
- Where exactly? - Here and there.
- What's he doing? - This and that.
Sounds like your dad.
- I don't think he's coming.
- Oh, relax, will you? Have some faith.
He's coming.
He's your father.
He's not gonna miss your wedding.
Again.
- Ed.
- He'll be here.
- Ed.
- What? - He's not coming.
- I don't think he's coming.
Okay.
We can go ahead and get started.
Places! Honey, how about we just wait five more minutes? It's okay.
Look, I know how important it was for you to have Your dad walk you down the aisle.
My dad is gonna walk me down the aisle.
Me? You.
If if you're willing.
Of course I'm willing.
You're family.
That's not what you said the other day.
Oh, for God's sakes, Bonnie.
A man can change.
Have faith in people.
Thank you, Ed.
Can you try to smile? It's the happiest day of my life.
What the hell are you talking about? I am smiling.