My Name is Earl s01e13 Episode Script

My name is Earl.
It's nice when the old gang puts their differences aside and gets back together for something important like Earl Jr.
's birthday party.
I'm five.
There's only four candles.
I know how old you are, honey.
Look.
One, two, three, four, five.
Huh.
- Was this your card? - No.
- Was this your card? - No.
- Was this your card? - I think you told me to pick a color.
- Was it green? - I forget.
Man, this sucks.
I thought you said when the gang was gettin' back together that meant we were gonna steal somethin' not watch a bunch of snot-nosed little kids eatin' cake.
- Man, this sucks.
- Sorry, Ralph.
- Since Dudley Do-Right here broke up the gang, this is it.
- I didn't break up the gang.
- Yeah, you did.
- We're still a gang.
You call this a gang? How many other gangs you know have a damn magician? - We used to have fun, Earl.
- We're havin' fun.
This is fun.
You have to admit, Earl, our gang was a lot funner before you discovered karma.
The craziest thing any of us has done lately is when you were in the bathroom and Ralph stuck that kazoo down his crack.
You're it, stinky lips.
I guess Randy was right.
Workin'a scam with a top-notch crew was a bit more thrillin'than a kazoo.
I don't like to complain about free food but this hot dog tastes like zoo.
Well, Earl Jr.
only eats long things that he can dip in ketchup and Winky Dinky Dogs is the only thing around since Pop's Old-Fashioned Wieners closed.
- Pop's Old-Fashioned Wieners didn't close.
- Yes, it did.
- No, it didn't.
- Yes, it did.
A sinkhole swallowed up him and his cart.
A- A-And there was a solar eclipse that night.
Tell him, Earl.
Uh, yeah.
Th-That's what I heard.
Oh, really? I heard you and I stole it for $200 and you spent your half at Club Chubby tryin' to get that girl to break the rules.
Which she did! Yeah.
A few years ago, the Winky Dinky Dog hot dog chain opened a new store in Camden County.
Unfortunately, their grand opening wasn't as grand as they had hoped.
People werejust creatures ofhabit, and they werejust used to going to Pop's.
That's because Pop's Wieners was an institution.
Everybody loved Pop's.
Almost everybody.
Later that day, Ralph and I were offered an opportunity.
All right, I won.
I get a free shot.
All right.
Give it to me.
No, no, no, no.
I won three in row, buddy.
You can't cover.
Fastball.
Yeah, money! Yeah, money! Hey.
You geniuses wanna make $200? Yeah, buddy.
The only thing is if it involves math or spelling or anything like that, we might need a little extra time 'cause we're not really, like, the geniuses you think we are.
Luckily, he didn't need geniuses to knock his competition out ofbusiness.
- Hejust needed a couple of drunk crooks.
- Yeah, big daddy! It may have been smarter to take the back roads but how often do you get to surf a giant wiener down Main Street? - Life's too short.
- Come on, big daddy! Whoo! Yeah! Ride that wiener, big daddy! - I can't believe you did that.
- Yeah.
Takin' away Pop's hot dogs from Camden County is like takin' chicken wings out of Syracuse.
- I think it's Buffalo, buddy.
- Buffalo? - Yeah.
- No, no, I think it's chicken.
It is.
It's chicken.
Spicy chicken.
Look, I've done a lot of bad things.
That's why I made a list.
- I hope "stole Pop's hot dog cart" is on there.
- He is.
I wrote it down in code so no one would know what I did.
Number 159- stole P.
's H.
D.
cart.
I'm gonna do it.
Andjust like that, I knew what I needed to do next on my list.
After we found his cart where we hid it in the woods - we headed over to Pop's to give it back.
- Yes? - Pops? - That's me.
Uh, a while ago, me and a friend, we- That's- That's my cart.
You found my cart? You found my cart! - You found it.
- You know, I-I'm here too.
Oh, you.
You found my cart.
Fortunately, Pops was a very forgiving man but puttin'the cart back in its original location wasn't enough to get things started.
People were used to going to Winky Dinky Dogs because like I said, they're creatures ofhabit.
Luckily, every creature I know loves a two-for-one coupon.
So, I recruited Kenny, my homosexual friend at the Copy Hut to design some discount flyers to bring people back to Pop's.
Thanks.
What do I owe you? Oh, it's no charge.
I used some paper we had leftover from a school job.
Yeah, she lost.
I guess Camden High wasn't ready for a lesbian treasurer.
Pop's is back.
! Two for one.
! So, I spent a day spreading the news that Pop's was back in business.
Who's Ellen Downs? Just some high-school girl who came out of the closet too soon.
Other side.
- Two for one.
- Yep.
Go get yourself a hot dog.
Ellen Downs for treasurer! Other side, Randy.
The flyers worked.
In just a few days, Pop's was as busy as ever.
I felt good.
I had righted a wrong and given a broken man back his dream.
Here.
- Thank you, Pops.
- No.
Thank you, Earl.
Thank you.
My cart! Yeah, baby! Whoo! Yeah, baby.
! Whoo.
! Yeah.
! Ralph, what the hell are you doin'? Hey, I knew you'd be mad, buddy, but I couldn't cut you in.
Winky Dinky only paid me and I couldn't figure out how to evenly divide that between two people.
- Winky Dinky Dog.
Of course.
- Yeah.
Damn it.
Pops, don't worry.
I'll make sure the guy pays for a new cart.
Hey, you wanna go get a lap dance at Club Chubby? I got some money.
I know you hired my buddy to burn down Pop's cart and you're gonna pay the $10,000 to replace it, or I'm goin' to the police.
When you go to the police, are you gonna tell 'em you stole his cart the first time? No, I'm not.
Actually, I'd rather the whole thing didn't come up.
- Then I suggest you don't go to the police.
- Then give me $10,000.
- No.
- Then I'm gonna go to the- Damn it! Since I couldn't reason with the fellow at the store I figured I'd go over his head.
After a little research, I found out that Winky Dinky Dog was owned by a giant corporation all the way in the city.
Look at this.
Life in the city.
You can do anything and be anything.
You think they'd mind if I slid across the shiny floor in my socks? I wouldn't start it, but I guess if you saw someone else doin' it, you could join in.
Hello.
Uh, my name is Earl Hickey, and I'm here to speak with the head honcho of this company, Mr.
Winky Dinky.
You mean Mr.
Covington.
And this is concerning? It's very concerning.
There was a fire and everything.
I can't let you inside without an appointment.
- How do I get an appointment? - You need to talk to someone inside.
- That's what I'm tryin' to do.
- Then you need an appointment.
Look at all those people in suits, Earl.
It's like when Ted from Bill and Ted's put on his magic sunglasses and went into the Matrix.
That's when I realized the only way I was gonna speak to Mr.
Winky Dinky was to get one of those employee ID's and that meant becomin'an employee.
I called human resources and found out they were in desperate need for secretaries.
All I needed to do was take a typin'test.
That's where Kenny came in.
Hey, I typed a real word.
"Flurp.
" That's a word, isn't it? After we finished, Kenny and I exchanged our work before we turned it in.
Thanks to Kenny, and his impeccable "type-man-ship,"I was hired on the spot.
As for Kenny, he got a "better luck next time.
" That very next day, I started my new pretend career in business.
I just had to fake my way through the day and keep my eye open for Mr.
Winky Dinky.
Here's your new work space, Hickey.
Well, thank you, sir.
I'm, uh, happy to be on board.
I have to say, office life took a little gettin'used to.
Oh, hey, Hill-Hillary, uh, do you have a key for this top one? Oh, that's how you do it.
I- I didn't get the memo.
You bring up the middle section in Excel then you'll bring up the Word document for pages four through six.
Part will be network, so leave the Web links embedded.
And put them on a disk for me.
- Thanks.
- Will do.
Since I had no idea what the hell an Excel was I decided to hide out in the elevator for a while, hoping to spot Mr.
Covington.
- Mr.
Covington? - Mr.
Covington is my father's name.
You can call me "sir.
" Well, I- I know you're a very busy man uh, now that you're doing potatoes three ways and everything but I thought you should know that one of your franchise owners paid a criminal to burn down someone else's hot dog stand.
Have the police been informed? Well, the, uh, witness doesn't really like to interact with the police because, uh, they don't like me- him.
But I just thought, uh, this was the type of thing you'd wanna know about.
Actually, it's something I wouldn't want to know about.
- Excuse me? - Business is tough, son.
You try to play by the rules, but sometimes you can't.
And when you can't, it's better if I can stand up in court and say I didn't know about it.
This conversation didn't happen.
- B-But it did happen.
- No, it didn't.
But, uh, Mr.
Covington.
- Where'd you get all that neat stuff? - Oh, I stole it from work and I'm gonna keep stealing until I get $10,000 to pay Pops back.
Those executives are criminals like we used to be, only worse 'cause they don't admit it.
It's "hypochronical.
" I mean, "hypoconjugal.
" Hypothetical? But, Earl, I thought you stopped stealing.
What about your list? This is a special circumstance, Catalina.
I'm stealin' for a good reason.
Just like, uh, Robin Hood.
Yeah, I like him.
The guy with the green panty hose, right? I like his little hummingbird girlfriend, Tinker Bell.
She gets so jealous.
You're never gonna make $10,000 selling rubber bands unless you have some syringes and arm candy to go with them.
Catalina was right.
It was clear that I was gonna need to steal more stuff.
But to do that, I needed help.
I needed to get the gang back together for one last heist.
Guys, I'm gonna need a favor.
With Randy and Catalina on board- I needed to convince the rest of the gang.
Joy and Darnell were easy.
Mostly becauseJoy hates her life, and Darnell's up for anything.
And Ralph- Well, say what you want about Ralph but he's a professional.
There's nothin' he won't do for $200.
Now that the gang was back together the first step of the plan was to get everyone hired.
That's where Kenny came in again.
Look, Kenny, I'm sleepin', and the TV screen is doin' "Z" like I'm sleepin'.
At the end of the day, everyone got hired.
That-That took me about Very impressive, sir.
Welcome aboard.
- Whoo! Yeah.
- Everyone except for Kenny.
This appears to be just a list of all the swear words you know.
I have a lot of anger.
The next day, the gang was geared up and back in the scam business.
And although we were doin'somethin'bad, I knew it was for good.
Like Robin Hood and his gang but with us, only the women wore stockings.
Randy even brought four beers because it makes him a better liar.
And now that everyone was in place the plan was to try not to get fired before 5:00.
Then, at closing time, we'd all hide and wait for everyone to leave.
That way, we'd have the place to ourselves and we'd be free to steal as many things as we could carry without gettin'detected.
Okay, goodjob, everybody.
Let's take what we can and do it fast.
We don't have much time.
Earl, forget about stealing all that chintzy crap, baby, I just found the mother lode.
Wait, that's what you want us to steal? A copy machine? - Yeah, buddy.
- It must weigh a ton, Ralph.
No way.
I am not gonna bust my ass to steal this big-ass copy machine.
Look, it's gonna be worth it.
I got a guy in Koreatown wants to rig it to counterfeit money.
He said he's gonna pay us ten grand in 20-dollar bills for it.
Ra- I don't know Ralph.
Let's just stick to our plan.
Yeah.
I found a box of pencils.
They look like pens, but they're pencils.
See? Looks like a pen.
It's a pencil.
You're all thinkin'small time on me here, man.
Look, it's got wheels.
It's just, you know, one, two, three, puppy dog.
- Ralph, may- Let's just try- - Look, there ain't no time to think about this, buddy.
This is what I do for a living, all right? I got this worked out on a level that you wouldn't even begin to understand, baby.
This whole thing's a chess game.
And this here Xerox machine's the pope, all right? Now, come on.
Let's push it.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Come on.
Oh.
Yeah, there we go.
- Oop, over to the right.
- To the right.
Push.
See, I knew this wasn't gonna work.
Let's just push it up on its end and shove it through.
- Are you nuts? - Look, we're wastin' time.
Let's just do it.
All right.
Come on.
Come on.
Lift it up.
Lift it up.
Yeah! Yeah! Wait.
Hold on.
I think it's stuck.
- The thing is jammed in the doorway, Ralph.
- Look, look- Ralph, I'm gonna kick your little bony ass.
After a long night of struggling to unsuccessfully free ourselves we were finally rescued the next morning.
What the hell is going on? Fred.
Uh, you're never gonna believe this but when I got here this morning, uh that copier was already wedged in the doorway, so I called these people to help me with it.
How'd you get in the room in the first place if the door was already blocked off? Well, actually, that happened while we were sleepin Yeah, asleep.
And that bottle of pee-pee on the table was already there too.
- Ralph never was very good under pressure- - Get him! but he did know when to make an exit.
After making our not-so-clean getaway we headed to the Crab Shack to calm our nerves and blow off some steam.
Ralph is not a good criminal.
Julio Enrique González de Marco la Bamboza also known as la Puma del Diablo- now that was a good criminal.
He once stole all the hats from my village.
Forced us to buy them back at ridiculous prices.
We should have just stuck with the original plan.
I mean, look at how many pencil pens I got.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Ralph.
I wanna apologize for running out like that and screwin' up the plan.
It was very unprofessional of me.
Well, we all ran eventually, Ralph.
Yeah, but I was paid to do the job, and so, here's the thing.
I figured out a way to get Pop's cart back.
All right, here's the plan.
What if I cut off my pinky toe, put it in that there cooler stick it in a Winky Dinky Dog, and sue 'em for $10,000? Ralph, I appreciate your offer, but you're not cuttin' off your pinky toe.
- We can find another way to do it.
- Yeah.
Well, here's the thing, Earl.
- What, your pinky toe's already in there, isn't it? - Yeah, it's in there.
Look, Earl, it looks like a little peanut.
A little peanut with a toenail.
Later that day, thanks to Ralph's professionalism plan "B"was in full swing.
Turns out, Joy didn't let Darnell and the kids in on the plan for fear that their reactions wouldn't look authentic.
Lucky for us, the going rate for a pinky toe in a hot dog was $ 10,000 which was the same amount Pops needed for a brand-new cart.
And toJoy's credit, she never thought to keep the money for herself.
She was just happy the gang was back together and that Pop's was back in business.
Made me feel good to cross this one off my list.
But it was especially nice, because it gave the old gang a place to hang out together again.
- Yeah.
! - Woo! Yeah.
Just like prison.
Hey, you want a bite? You're it, stinky lips! Ew!