New Girl s01e13 Episode Script

NlCK: Oh, it's classic Nick Miller.
Look, I'm holding your hand.
WlNSTON: Ha, ha.
Yeah, I wanna go out tonight.
Ugh, couples.
Ew.
Hiss.
Every time you have sex with the same person you die just a little bit.
It's like a copy of a copy.
Lucky us, we get to go out looking for some strange.
Happy V-Day, player.
Holla.
Truth is I don't go out on Valentine's Day.
- What? - There's no thrill.
All these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women.
Like a Dominican teenager playing Little League.
It's not fair for everybody else.
It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years and I need to go out, okay? We need to go out.
Because I'm feeling pretty twirly.
- Twirly? - Twirly.
- ls that like horny? - I got the dirty twirls, Schmidty.
Watch out because you're about to get laid, world.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess So we're doing this, full-on Valentine's.
- What'd you do last year? - Uh, I was fighting with Caroline.
- What about? - You know, the usual.
About how I make too much money, I dress too fancy I'm too good at communicating my feelings.
- Right.
- This year we're gonna make up for it.
You and me are gonna do a real Valentine's Day date.
I know.
God, what's the plan? - You're gonna need a map of Arizona.
- I can get that.
A container you're comfortable getting urine in.
- Oh, I have one in my purse.
- You do? No.
Bad idea.
You can't go on a first date on Valentine's Day.
I'm telling you, it's not a first date.
We used to hook up all the time.
For two years, I had her number in my phone as "Shretty.
" I was too drunk to type "Shelby.
" She just wants a relaxed night in.
It actually sounds kind of sexy.
- We're trying to figure each other out.
- Know where that puts you in six months? Watching It's Complicated on DVD while you cradle your newborn baby.
And guess what.
It's not complicated.
It's about rich white people remodeling their kitchen.
- You sure you're really ready for that? - It's gonna be great.
- What are you doing? - Packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex.
- I've got T-shirt, socks-- - ls this a sewing kit? Yeah, it's a sewing kit.
Stain remover.
Hello? You don't have one-night stands.
You get way too attached.
You could have a connection with a shoe on the side of the road.
Oh, one shoe? I hate that.
- ls this Schmidt's idea? - It's my idea.
I wanna try a one-night stand.
Tonight is all about what Little Jess wants.
Little Jess.
All right.
I am gonna text Kyle and tell him to meet us at the bar because I'm not leaving you alone like this with all of that.
I'm sorry, I don't know who's smelling what tonight.
Excuse me, know where Julia Cleary's office is? Uh, she need to sign for something? Little late for a package.
Let me guess, your bike broke down.
Fixed-gear, single-speed.
- Been rocking a three-speed.
- I'm not a messenger.
CLlFF: Follow me.
- Okay.
CLlFF: She can get pretty cranky when she gets interrupted.
But I'll tell you what, I would still hit that.
I mean, despite the age difference, I would just take that to Pound Town.
You know what I mean? Just take her on a visit to the boneyard.
You know what I'm saying? Hey, Nick.
That's my boyfriend, Nick.
Hi.
That's my little intern, Cliff.
- Excuse me.
- What? Could you get him a water? Thank you.
Hey, Cliff.
Thanks, Cliff.
Sorry it's such a mess in here.
But I went full out with the cheesy Valentine's Day stuff.
Are you ready for it? - What did you do? - Ha, ha! - Heart boxers.
The best.
- Right? Putting them on right now.
You can't stop me.
I don't wanna stop you because I am gonna be rocking this action.
You were born to wear that thing.
- Never talk about any of this to anybody.
- Can we go? I have a little bit more work to do.
Just like an hour.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
WlNSTON: Hey, babe.
- Ooh, you brought wine.
- Yeah.
- We're almost out.
It's not the food.
Come on in.
Pick out a polish.
He looks like a player.
Ah, never mind.
I thought we said no guys.
WlNSTON: Ugh.
TlA: I am not touching his feet.
- I'm not kidding you.
- Amazing.
SCHMlDT: Where's what's-his-name? We are actually gonna meet up later because he's got a little surprise for me.
- Spoiler.
It's his penis.
- Okay, stop.
Enough.
Pay attention.
- You're from Oregon? - Yeah.
JESS: I'm from Oregon.
- Oh, no.
What? - How often do you meet Oregonians? MAN: I don't know.
- Oh, could you hold on one second? - Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, my God, he's from Oregon.
I'm from Oregon.
- Bad idea.
- Can't do this.
- Horrible.
You bonded emotionally.
CECE: Sorry.
Having sex with him, it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact.
- That is not one-night-stand material.
CECE: Listen to him.
He's right on this one.
Sorry.
I know what I'm talking about.
I have my 10,000 hours.
Hmm? Outliers.
You should read it.
Malcolm Gladwell.
It's one of my desert island books.
Along with Machiavelli's The Prince Freak by John Leguizamo, any scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries.
- A little Phantom T.
- I love Phantom Tollbooth.
Of course you do, you're a human being.
- So no connection.
- Zero.
Sorry, babe, no.
[TAG TEAM'S "LET'S GET THlS PARTY STARTED RlGHT" PLAYlNG.]
Let's get this party started right Good girl.
[ON SPEAKERS.]
Hit the top I'm sorry to say that love is only lies You need to do somethin' If you wanna rise Hey.
Could I have your cherry? - Sure.
- Cool.
Ladies wanna roll with my haters So who'll you be? Sorry.
[MOANS THEN GAGS.]
[COUGHlNG.]
You okay? Lady? [GlGGLES.]
Schwing.
Hey, guys.
Um, this is Oliver.
Um, Oliver is a-- - Web creator.
- Web creator.
SCHMlDT: Mm-hm.
- Uh, also, we both love lunch.
- Lunch.
Love lunch.
- You're kidding.
- Wow.
What a coincidence.
When people talk about breakfast being the most important meal - I'm like, "What?" - What is that? What about lunch, man? You want another drink? [lMlTATES MAE WEST.]
If I didn't know better, I'd think you're trying to liquor me up.
Why are you talking like that? [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Oh, Oliver, we have nothing in common.
[JESS LAUGHS.]
Yes.
I have no emotional connection to him at all.
But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt.
CECE: So, what about you? That redhead? I thought you totally had that.
SCHMlDT: Oh, that's in process.
This is where I do this look thing where my confusion makes her confused and also kind of hot.
Let me help you.
I'm gonna make her jealous.
All right, can you stop? Cece, you are way too beautiful.
She'll think she doesn't have a shot with me.
- Stop looking at me like that.
- What look? I'm not even looking at you.
The pouty one, the naughty baby lndian.
[lN lNDlAN ACCENT.]
"l ate something spicy.
Now my lip is swollen.
" Baby.
Hi.
CECE: Hey.
All right, just get in there, man.
Clean it all out.
Like a dentist.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Ha, ha.
Oh.
Look, look.
Surprise.
'Shrooms.
- Oh, Kyle, you really shouldn't have.
- I ate three.
I ate three.
Three, on a pizza.
Look at you, man.
You're a champion.
Um, we're gonna go.
He's about to get real handsy and a little racist.
So you'll watch Jess? - Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
Let's go, Kyle.
Schmidty, Schmidty, Schmidty.
Hey, um, so I'm gonna go home with Oliver.
Great.
I'm so happy.
Hey, three words: Double-bag it.
JESS: I got that covered.
Um These guys.
- Hundy pack, so-- SCHMlDT: A hundred condoms? - Are you gonna have sex with an army? [SlNGSONG.]
I'm gonna get up in it.
That's the biggest box of condoms I've ever seen.
Does it have a roller? Like, you go through the airport with it? - I'm gonna rip him a new one.
- Very intimidating.
A normal man can go maybe three times in a night depending on how much salmon he's had.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
He's literally the most boring person I've ever met.
Described every lunch he's had this week and three of them were tacos.
- My work here is done.
- Not really.
Little favor.
He doesn't have a car, I don't have a car - because I came with you, so l-- - Oh.
No, no.
No.
No.
One of the tacos had extra cheese, and the other one had avocados.
And cheese.
And cheese, actually.
[OLlVER CHUCKLES.]
Well, I guess it's time to take that Chinese head out of that Chinese ass, Ming.
[WHlSPERlNG.]
That's so sweet.
I love that.
Thank you.
- Pushed the reservation to 8:30.
- I need 40 to 50 more minutes.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.
JULlA [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
: Hey, Confucius say, "You work for me.
" [CELL PHONE RlNGS.]
What, Winston? Sorry to call you.
I know you're at dinner.
No, I'm not.
I'm hanging out with a guy named Cliff.
Are we hanging out? That's awesome.
I'm at Shelby's, and there's two other girls here.
They're drinking juice, talking about Michelle Obama's workout.
- I got a nose strip on my face.
- Leave.
It's just that I really enjoy being around this girl.
- All right, so stay.
- You know what? I'm gonna stay.
Can I ask you something? With her, the-- Is it gentle or is it not so gentle? You know what I mean? I'm gonna act like you didn't just say that, Cliff.
Fair enough.
JULlA: Yeah, Ming, I got your text.
What part of that did you not understand? You want some champagne, Cliff? [CAR ALARM BLARlNG.]
[MAN 1 GASPlNG ON TV.]
OLlVER: Oh.
MAN 1: What? Is he injured? MAN 2: No, I think that's, uh-- - Pause.
Pause.
- Why are you pausing now? Bathroom break.
In the middle of the movie.
What's wrong with him? - Why are you here? - You don't have a car, he doesn't.
- How you gonna get home? - I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt.
It's a horrible neighborhood, okay? - There are youths everywhere.
- Youths? Are you Officer Krupke? [CELL PHONE RlNGS.]
Would you st-- ? Damn it.
It's Cece.
Hello? Why are you crashing Jess' one-night stand? He wanted to watch Planet of the Apes.
I didn't know he meant now.
- Ugh.
- What's wrong? - Tell him to leave.
- Get out of there, Schmidt.
Leave your car there and I'll come get you, okay? What is going on? Where are you? Where's Kyle? I'm at a playground.
Kyle's 'shrooming.
- Whoo, whoo.
- I'll see you guys later.
- I love brown people! CECE: That's racist, Kyle.
OLlVER: Excuse me.
Back to the movie.
Ready? SCHMlDT & JESS: Yeah.
These monkeys look so real.
Apes.
They're apes.
Oh, you're one of those? - Get out.
- Like there's a real difference? JESS: Now.
- All right.
[SlGHS.]
Youths.
You know what, Cliff? I'm sorry, I'm just feeling very romantic and I have nowhere else to put it, so happy Valentine's Day, good-looking.
- You know what? NlCK: What? Put it right here.
Because I like it.
So how did you get that far into law school and then drop out? Well, I got my heart broken.
- Yeah.
NlCK: Then everything got weird.
I started playing guitar - in an alt-country-ska band.
- Sure.
- Gambling a lot.
CLlFF: Yeah.
There was a weird week where I wore a long blond wig.
I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson.
I have never loved anyone that much.
I drove to Mexico and I tried to enter a cockfight.
- As a person? - Yes, Cliff, as a person.
Come on.
Get me out of here.
Help.
Help.
I've had a tough couple of days, Freddie.
Point is, I looked around at my life and I realized that I didn't wanna work for somebody else my whole life.
That is exactly how I feel, man.
Yeah, but the second half of that story is how I went broke and started working for somebody else my whole life.
- Okay.
What was that? - I don't wanna be a lawyer.
- I don't wanna do this.
- Don't.
Not tonight.
- I'm leaving tonight.
- Oh, Cliff.
[SlNGSONG.]
Look what I found under a pile of depositions.
- I'm quitting.
- [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
What? - Nick convinced me I can't waste life stapling.
- I never said anything like that, Julia.
JULlA: Don't-- CLlFF: Not anymore.
Not working all night on Valentine's Day.
I'm just gonna get in my car, and I'm just gonna drive until I see the sun.
Because it's gotta be shining somewhere.
And for once in my life, I'm gonna spend some time with my birds.
- With your birds? - Whoo! No, Cliff.
We're gonna start paying you so soon.
Julia, I am so sorry.
I just told him a story about when I got arrested in Mexico.
- Arrested in Mexico? - I wasn't gonna tell you until after you got knocked up and were stuck with me.
- Now I gotta do all this stuff.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
Just go home, Nick.
- Sorry.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
MAN [ON TV.]
: No! [DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES.]
What? Are you kidding me? Hey, Amy.
Uh, this is my ex, Amy.
We broke up last week.
She can't afford to move out.
She doesn't work.
What? Hey, so how was your night? Are you serious right now, Oliver? - Yeah.
- Um, hey.
I'm Jess.
Uh Hey.
Who is she? - What are you doing here, Cece? - Sorry, I just came to get Schmidt.
Schmidt left like an hour ago.
- No, no, I didn't.
- Are you kidding me? - My tires were stolen by street youths.
- Ugh! [GRUNTS.]
Did I pee my pants? Friends, did I pee in my pants? - No, Kyle, you're just on drugs.
KYLE: Guys? - He definitely peed, I can see.
- See? See? Who's the idiot now? Okay, all of you, get out of here.
- I peed my pants.
- We got to get out of-- Oh.
[AMY & KYLE MOAN.]
- This guy is like a magician.
- How does it feel, Oliver? Okay.
Uh, Kyle, I'm the one you're gonna sleep with tonight, so we gotta-- [GRUNTS.]
AMY: What are you gonna do now? - Ha, ha.
You're cute.
Here, I got you.
SCHMlDT: Okay.
- My man! AMY: Get out of my house.
CECE: Yeah, we're going.
- I will murder you! - Bye.
AMY: Yes.
CECE: Heck, yeah! I'll get you! AMY: What? JESS: Hey, Kyle.
Hey.
It's a stick.
Go get it.
KYLE: Oh, shiny.
Whew.
What does a girl gotta do to get a one-night stand around here? Sorry.
This sangria is amazing, Winston.
My grandmother's recipe, so I can't take credit for that.
But seriously, Tia, you don't want a man who has fancier underpants than you.
- I keep trying to tell her.
- True.
You wanna have the fanciest drawers in the relationship.
Boom.
TlA: Wow.
[TACO CRUNCHlNG.]
OLlVER: Huh? [TACO CRUNCHlNG.]
Hey, are you gonna be done soon? Maybe.
She can't keep eating tacos all night.
- Yeah.
- I ate most of the tacos.
You know what? I can't do this.
You're a really great guy and, um, l-- I mean, I don't know that, um but honestly, I was just gonna use you as a giant meat puppet.
AMY: I'm looking pretty good right now.
- It's just so hard, you know? I feel so alone sometimes.
And I lied to you.
I'm not a web creator.
I'm not a player.
[OLlVER CRYlNG.]
- I miss her so much.
- Oh.
She's in-- She's just in the kitchen.
[BLENDER WHlRRlNG.]
Baby, can you make me a smoothie? [PHOTOCOPlER WHlRRlNG.]
NlCK: Just making copies.
- Did you do all of this? - I did.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Really? I just want you to know that there's a photocopy of my butt - somewhere in your recycling bin.
- Okay.
I had a weird moment, Julia, and I went for it, okay? And if anyone finds it I want them to know I moved during the copy - and I don't actually have two butt cracks.
- I know.
What? I've never ever cared about Valentine's Day before.
Neither have l.
But it's nice.
- Yeah.
- Right? You did all the work wrong, though.
- Yeah, I know I did.
- That's okay.
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG.]
[CELL PHONE CONTlNUES RlNGlNG.]
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Do what you gotta do.
Hi, Ming.
Yeah, I got your text.
And yeah, it was wrong just like every single other text you've sent me tonight.
- [WHlSPERlNG.]
Can I call you tomorrow? - Yeah, it's fine, go.
I'm sorry.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Are you really-- ? Are you arguing with me about that? Are you actually arguing with me about that? WOMAN: Bye.
- Aw.
Bye, girl, thank you.
- Bye.
TlA: Ha, ha.
Bye, Shel.
[CHUCKLES.]
SHELBY: That was fun.
- Anytime.
So you weren't expecting a girls' night, were you? Ha, ha.
Not really.
You know, Tia needed some tough love.
[LAUGHS.]
You keep doing it.
What? Making up for how you used to be.
You don't remember? Valentine's Day 2008? You said you'd call.
You didn't.
Um I waited all night.
Okay, I don't deserve a second chance with you, do l? But here you are, getting one.
[WlNSTON CHUCKLES.]
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hey.
What are you doing home so soon? I helped him get back together with his ex.
He made me video-chat with his mom in Hawaii for a couple minutes and then I came home, so You don't want your first one-night stand to be with some stranger.
You gotta pick someone who's not gonna make a big deal out of the thing.
You have an urge, you act on it.
And, whatever you do, leave immediately afterwards.
God help you if you get sucked into a brunch.
- Thanks, Schmidt.
- Come here.
You smell good.
It's probably the oil of the ylang-ylang tree.
[JESS LAUGHS.]
- Don't over-think it.
- Okay.
Don't over-think it.
Don't over-think it.
Don't over-think it.
- Schmidt? NlCK: Hey, Jess, what are you doing? [LAUGHS.]
- I was asking Schmidt a question.
- Whoa, whoa.
JESS: What? - Were you-- ? - What? No.
- With Schmidt? - No.
No.
I was holding those, but l-- Oh, my God.
- What has gotten into you? - No.
- And why do you have so many condoms? - Shh.
Don't ever speak of this again.
You need one.
Tops, two.
Let's go.
- We'll get these later.
- I was twirly.
- Nick, Nick.
NlCK: No.
You're not having sex with Schmidt.
This is a danger zone for you.
- What is happening out there? - [WHlSPERlNG.]
Stop, do not move, okay? If somebody catches us, I'm gonna say you drugged me - and it's my word against yours, okay? - Okay, yeah.
That's fine, that makes sense.
You smell so good right now.
[BOTH MOAN.]
You are not gonna believe the stupid thing I almost did last night.
CECE [OVER PHONE.]
: Tell me.
Okay, but you have to promise never to tell anyone, ever.
Of course.
Out with it.
Tell me.
Okay, I almost tried to hook up with Schmidt last night.
That would have been crazy.
I know.
Can you imagine? Ugh.
I cannot.
I gotta go, okay? Bye.